One of my favorite pictures — me, Rick, and Gus fishing in Vermont.
When your kid marries, you not only gain another family member, you gain a new role: father-in-law.
It’s not a role that gets much celebration or attention. If we culturally mention in-laws at all, it tends to be in terms of unwanted meddling.
But a father-in-law can play a positive, supportive role in the life of his son- or daughter-in-law, which enriches their connected families.
I’ve had a great example of this in my own father-in-law, Kate’s dad, Rick Surwilo.
Here are some things I’ve picked up from him in the twenty years we’ve had a father-in-law/son-in-law relationship that I hope to carry forward when I become a FIL someday.
Be an Ally, Not an Adversary
When I asked a friend who recently became a father-in-law what he thinks makes for a good one, the first thing he told me was, “Drop that ‘you’re taking my kid away, and I’m polishing my shotgun sh*t. It’s dumb. D-U-M-B. Dumb. You should see this person as an ally.”
While the trope my friend mentioned is typically focused on the dads of daughters, it’s also applicable to the fathers of boys. Instead of seeing your child’s spouse as a rival or threat, consider them an ally in nurturing your family’s growth and legacy. This perspective shift can dramatically improve your relationship with your child’s husband or wife and contribute to a healthy family dynamic.
I felt nothing but welcome in Kate’s family. I never felt like I was an outsider or intruder. I still remember when I asked Rick for Kate’s hand in marriage; he didn’t make me feel like I was some dubious dude trying to steal his dear daughter away by giving me the third degree. Instead, he warmly made me feel like I was becoming a part of his family.
Offer Wisdom (When Solicited)
What’s nice about getting married is that you gain an additional set of parents from which to get counsel. Even though your child and their spouse are all grown up, they’ll still face times when they’re unsure of what to do and are in need of some guidance. You likely possess knowledge on various aspects of life – from financial management to household maintenance to raising kids — that your son- or daughter-in-law may sometimes want to draw upon.
The key to sharing this wisdom is to only do so when asked. Don’t offer unsolicited advice! Your kid and their spouse have to live their own lives.
And when your advice is asked for, be judicious with it. Don’t tell your child and their spouse that they have to do things a certain way. Just offer your insights and then let them make their own decisions. The goal is to be helpful, not overbearing.
Respect Boundaries
Relatedly, while a good father-in-law is involved with his adult child’s family in a healthy way, he also respects their boundaries and autonomy. Don’t be too enmeshed in their lives. You’ve got to let your kid go and let them live their own life. Allow the couple to establish their own traditions and household dynamics without interfering. I’ve appreciated the way Rick has been supportive of our family without ever being intrusive.
Forge Your Own Bond With Your Child-In-Law
One often overlooked aspect of being a father-in-law is the opportunity to build a unique relationship with your daughter-in-law and especially your son-in-law. Your connection with them doesn’t have to be exclusively mediated through your child. Take initiative in fostering an independent relationship. Suggest activities you can do together – trying out a new restaurant, attending a sporting event, or sharing a hobby.
Over the years, Rick and I have gone to sporting events and restaurants where it’s just me, him, and my brother-in-law. I enjoy chatting with him even when Kate’s not around. We’ve developed our own friendship.
Lend a Helping Hand
One thing I appreciate about Rick is how he’s willing to help me with DIY home maintenance stuff around the house. The guy is super handy! Whenever I’ve had an issue with my home, I go to Rick first since he usually knows how to fix it or who I need to call to fix it. He’s fixed blinds, done paint jobs, and even helped me organize my garage.
Rick picked up the tradition of helping his sons-in-law with home maintenance from his own father-in-law, Kate’s grandfather, George Novak. George would help Rick with jobs around the house when he was newly married. He appreciated it and wanted to do the same for his sons-in-law. He not only enjoys helping out, he likes that it keeps him spry.
I’ve learned a lot from Rick and really appreciate the help. Now I just need to get handier around the house so I can do the same for my future children-in-law. I sometimes wonder if Rick-level handiness will die out with my generation; I hope not.
Be Involved With Your Grandchildren’s Lives
If and when grandchildren enter the picture, be the best darned grandpa you can be.
Rick and my mother-in-law, Sandy, have been deeply engaged in their grandchildren’s lives since the time they entered the world. We actually live in the same neighborhood as them, and Gus and Scout go over their house every day after school to have a snack and watch Jeopardy. Gus will sometimes walk over on a Saturday to watch a football game with Rick, and they’ve built birdhouses and model airplanes together. Sandy and Rick come to our kids’ sports games and have even taken Gus and Scout on trips with them. And while grandmothers are often more at the interactive forefront with their grandkids, while grandfathers reticently retreat to the background, Rick is just as likely to get in the mix and spearhead the fun. It’s been really touching to see how over the moon he is about our kids.
Because of dispositional differences, not every father-in-law is going to desire to have the same level of interactions with his grandkids, but strive to be as involved as you’re comfortable with.
Instead of thinking that becoming a father-in-law means you’re losing a child, think of it as gaining a new family member. That stance towards the relationship and some of the actionable advice above will help you smoothly step into what can be a richly rewarding role.
