There was an interesting article in The New York Times this week on the fact that research has shown that men grieve differently than women, and that because of this, some men are seeking out all-male bereavement groups in which to find solace after the loss of a loved one.
The loss of a loved one, especially a spouse, can hit a man hard:
“The loss of a spouse often is crushing for men physically as well as psychologically. In a 2001 paper published in The Review of General Psychology, psychologists at the University of Utrecht in the Netherlands confirmed earlier data showing widowers have a higher incidence of mental and physical illness, disabilities, death and suicide than widows do. While women who lose their husbands often speak of feeling abandoned or deserted, widowers tend to experience the loss “as one of dismemberment, as if they had lost something that kept them organized and whole,” Michael Caserta, chairman of the Center for Healthy Aging at the University of Utah, said by e-mail.
The Harvard Bereavement Study, a landmark late 1960s investigation of spousal loss, found that widowers experienced the death of a wife as a multifaceted tragedy, a loss of protection, support and comfort that left many at sea. The men in the study relied heavily on their wives to manage their domestic lives, from household chores to raising their children, the researchers noted.”
Men may also have trouble dealing with their grief because until recently, men were expected to follow the cultural expectation of stoically bearing up under pain and not expressing sorrow openly. And they can have trouble with the fact that grief comes and goes in waves; it cannot be fixed and forgotten.
Men generally don’t like to join groups, but some men are trying to get their brethren into bereavement networks so that they can have the support of other men who are dealing with the loss of a loved one.
The article focuses on aging Baby Boomers–it will be interesting to see how men’s grief changes as our culture changes, since the difficulties mentioned above–having wives that manage their lives and not being able to express emotions are seemingly becoming less prevalent- men these days are encouraged to be more emotional and familial responsibilities have become more equal.
Read the whole article: Men in Grief Seek Others Who Mourn as They Do
For more reading on grief, check out these two AoM articles by Brian Burnham:
Loss, Grief, and Manliness: What Every Man Should Know About Losing a Loved One
Losing Dad: How a Man Responds to the Loss of His Father
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“While women who lose their husbands often speak of feeling abandoned or deserted, widowers tend to experience the loss ‘as one of dismemberment, as if they had lost something that kept them organized and whole,’ …”
I found this surprising, because this is exactly how I felt. It seemed melodramatic to say, and so I never have, but it felt like someone had taken my leg. The widowers in the room who have been married years and years are welcome to tell me that I have no room to talk. I am in my late 20s, and had not been married even a year when my wife made the decision to walk out of my life. When you give your heart so completely and especially when you seek to love as Christ loves, separation and divorce are akin to the death of a loved one; perhaps even more grievous as this is an indication of spiritual death and therefore death eternal.
I’ll stop here as I just don’t know what else to say. Those are my two cents for whatever they are worth.
Its easier for women to find another man to latch on to than counterwise. I dealt far better with my last breakup better indulging in plenty of drink and drugs far better than my previous one where i remained sober and tried to work through it the “right way”
I suppose the benefit of being sober is I am still employable and in better shape to go in a new direction. Which is what i feel like doing. Selling up and going into new territory.
Interesting how so many think that the New York Times and the so-called researchers have come up with a ” new ” concept of how men and women deal with loss differently. How moronic of anyone to think that this is something ” new “. The differences between men and women are unquestionably much more vast than the physical and have been since the beginning of creation. NOT in all cases but women have a tendency to deal with lifes’ situations on more of an emotional level whereas men on more of a logical level. This is not to say that either gender is more right or wrong, it’s just the way we are wired. If more men would come to realize that there is MUCH more to this life than the gun racks in their 4×4′s, the latest sporting scores, a cutting edge physique or the number of drinks that can be consumed to bury their problems; then perhaps a more honest and transparent friendship would take place with other men whose lives aren’t centered on just themselves. Also, since alcohol is a depressant and has NEVER positvely contributed to a societies well being and has no redeeming value, the indulgence of this dispicable practice only increases the bank accounts of the distillers, the judicial system, the medical community, the mortuary business and all others who have to clean up after someones idiotic
choices from the night before. This obviously not only affects both genders but countless others like a tidal wave. Turning off the TV, video games, computer etc., etc. and opening up positive affirming books to educate oneself about what really matters in life should be a priority on every mans list. Unfortunately we men have almost been castrated in our hearts and minds from a society who exonerates the role of women as being more superior to men rather than being in an equal partnership. A number of us men have not stood up to take a stand as the proper leaders that we were created to be, therefore; we’ve not allowed ourselves the priviledge of coming along side another man who may be facing some very traumatic issues that make him question his self-worth and very purpose. The young boys of this nation who are on a path of alcohol & drug abuse, crime and thoughts of suicide should be indication enough of our failure to ” man-up ” and stop being so self obsorbed. These young boys/men are starving for the healthy attention of a man who is willing to humble himself, shutup and be a listening ear to help enhance their productivity and be men of integrity.
Having only lost my wife through divorce, I wonder how that changes the grieving process. Where in if the loss was from a death, the out of sight out of mind can begin to take effect. But when one has to see the lost loved one daily, the grieving never seemed to stop. I have lost numerious jobs and only begun to heal from the devistation of having to go through that shortly after the effectc of finding her with a younger man. At the time, I believed that is why Smith met Wesson.