This is the 13th post on living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin.

Our popular image of manliness usually consists of a man with a cocky swagger, a rebel who blazes his own path and stands confident and ready to take on the world. “Humility” doesn’t seem to fit into this image. Humility oftentimes conjures up images of weakness, submissiveness, and fear. But this is a false idea of humility. Real humility is a sign of strength, authentic confidence, and courage. It is the mark of a true man.

The Hubris of Achilles

The ancient Greeks often wrote about the importance of humility. A reoccurring theme throughout their literature was the shameful, often fatal effects of hubris-excessive, arrogant pride. For the Greeks, hubris meant thinking you were wise when you were not. One story that drives home the importance of manly humility is Homer’s The Iliad.

Throughout The Iliad, we find young Achilles, the invincible Greek soldier, sitting in his tent pouting because King Agamemnon took his slave woman. All the while, Achilles’ countrymen are dying at the hands of the Trojans. Even when Agamemnon apologizes and gives back the woman in hopes that Achilles will start fighting, Achilles still acts like a little bitch and refuses to do so. In fact, he starts to pack up to head back to Greece. He demonstrates a complete lack of humility. While his comrades perish, he seeks to save his own skin because of an inflated sense of self-importance and his arrogant pride.

This pride then results in the great Trojan, Hector, killing Achilles’ friend. It is only then, after it has become too late, that Achilles decides to fight. Even so, it isn’t even for his country; he is motivated by the pull of revenge. After Achilles kills Hector in battle, in an act of complete dishonor, Achilles ties up Hector’s body to a chariot and drags it around the walls of Troy for nine days.

While many today think of Achilles as a hero, to the ancient Greeks he embodied the shameful consequence of hubris. While they admired his legendary fighting ability, the real lesson they took from his story was the need to be humble.

What is humility?

The definition of humility need not include timidity or becoming a wallflower. Instead, humility simply requires a man to think of his abilities and his actions as no greater, and no lesser, than they really are. Real humility then mandates that a man knows and is completely honest with himself. He honestly assesses what are, and to what magnitude he possess talents and gifts, struggles and weaknesses.

Humility is the absence of pride. We are taught to think pride is a good thing. But pride functions only when comparing others to yourself. Don’t base your self-worth on how you stack up to others. Instead, focus on yourself and how you can improve. C.S. Lewis said the following about pride:

The point is that each person’s pride is in competition with everyone else’s pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise. Two of a trade never agree. Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive-is competitive by its very nature-while the other vices are competitive only, so to speak, by accident. Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking, there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.

What humility is not

In their quest to be humble, people often confuse humility with false modesty. I think we’ve all been guilty of this at one time or another. When we are recognized for a great accomplishment, we act as though what we did really wasn’t that important or that big of a deal. For example, we spend many hours meticulously putting together an excellent presentation for work, and when people praise us we say, “Oh, it was just something I threw together.” We have a tendency to devalue what we’ve done under the pretense of humility. In fact, people often take on the guise of false humility for the sake of receiving more praise and adulation from others. You want people to think “Wow, he said he just threw that together! Imagine what he could do if he had spent hours on it.” When you do something well, don’t toot your own horn excessively, but truthfully acknowledge what you accomplished.

How to practice humility

Give credit where credit is due. The prideful man will take as much credit for a success as he possibly can. The humble man seeks to shine the light on all the other people and strokes of luck that came together to make that success happen. No man rises on the strength of his bootstraps alone. Innate talent, a supportive family member, friend, teacher or coach, and lucky breaks always contribute somewhere down the line.

Don’t name/experience drop. Have you ever been in a conversation with a man who felt it necessary to interject how he’s been to Europe twice, got a 4.0 in college, dines frequently at pricey restaurants, or knows a famous author, at points in the conversation where such tidbits of information didn’t belong? These people are completely annoying and are basically trying let others know how great they are. Their exaggerated sense of self-importance leads them to demand the lion’s share of attention. These men are clearly insecure; they do not think they can win the interest of others without frontloading all of their attention grabbers. A humble man can hold back on sharing his strengths. He understands that others have equally important and interesting stories to share, and his turn will come.

Do what’s expected, but don’t make a big deal about it. My grandparent’s generation understood the idea of fulfilling your duty. In his book, The Greatest Generation, Tom Brokaw made this observation:

The World War II generation did what was expected of them. But they never talked about it. It was part of the Code. There’s no more telling metaphor than a guy in a football game who does what’s expected of him — makes an open-field tackle — then gets up and dances around. When Jerry Kramer threw the block that won the Ice Bowl in ‘67, he just got up and walked off the field.

Why don’t we take a lesson from our grandfathers? Do something because you’re supposed to do it, have a little humility, and shut the hell up about it.

Perform service and charity anonymously. Prideful men want everyone to know when they do a charitable act. They drop the amount of money they donated to a cause into conversation, they post pictures of their service to Facebook, and they never miss a chance to remind someone they served of their generosity towards them. They are obviously doing service for the wrong reason: to stoke their ego and gain acclamation. Real charity is not self-seeking and is done solely for the benefit of others. Next time you do something nice, try keeping it completely to yourself. It’s a tough test of your manly humility.

Stop one-upping people. Few things are more annoying than a man who must constantly one-up others during conversation. You say, “I once went to a Rolling Stones concert.” He says, “I once had backstage passes to a Rolling Stones concert.” Whatever someone says, the one-upper must do him one better. Resist the urge to take part in these pissing contests. You usually end up with pee on your shoe anyway. If you notice someone who wants to engage in this show of one-upmanship, be the better man and let him have his moment of glory. People may talk about that guy’s exciting story the next day, but they’ll remember how much of a gentleman you are years later. Or if that doesn’t work, become an astronaut and walk on the moon:

• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• So You Want To Become a Man
• 7 Lessons in Manliness From the Greatest Generation
• The Virtuous Life: Silence
• The Virtuous Life: Frugality

This is the twelfth post in a series about living Ben Franklin’s 13 virtues.

CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.

Editor’s Note: Before we get to the post, allow me to head off the would be commenter, who, thinking himself beyond clever, posts something akin to “Benjamin Franklin wasn’t chaste! He was a womanizer!” In truth, this bit of popular knowledge has been greatly exaggerated. Please see here and here.

Also, as we have mentioned time and time again, Franklin openly admitted that he did not live the virtues perfectly. But he felt he was a far better man for having made the attempt to do so. Living the virtuous life doesn’t not mean attaining perfection, but striving to improve oneself.

Ahhh, chastity. A word that can make teenagers blush and grown men cringe. A word that conjures up thoughts of medieval belts, “true love waits” pledge cards, and ranting preachers. Many believe the concept of chastity has no place in a modern, enlightened society. Indeed, in many ways the virtue of chastity is the most difficult to write about. Unlike the other virtues, it is hard to define chastity apart from its relationship to religious beliefs. Yet, while the precise definition of chastity will vary from man to man, there are aspects of this virtue that all men, regardless of belief system, should aspire to.

In today’s sexualized society, promoting chastity is seen as prudish and old fashioned. In the eyes of many, promoting chastity on a men’s site will be seen as almost contradictory. Isn’t manliness all about the notches on your bedpost of the women you have conquered? We propose that manly sexuality shouldn’t be about the number of women a man beds; rather, it should be about focusing one’s sexuality in meaningful relationships.

Sex as a Consumer Good

Sex, it seems, is everywhere. It pops up in every nook and cranny of our day to day lives. We see sex on our television, in our magazines, and on our computers. It is used to sell everything from shampoo to jeans. While once viewed as a sacred mystery, today it has become just another consumer product that can be bought or sold. Sure, people have sold sex since the beginning of history (they don’t call prostitution the oldest profession for nothing). What’s different now is that the very idea of sex has been commercialized and in the process cheapened.

People today approach sex just as they would approach buying a widget. The focus is on YOUR satisfaction and YOUR pleasure. A man thus fantasizes about his next “purchase.” After that hook-up gives him the pleasure he was seeking, he shops around until he finds another person that can satisfy the urge. When he gets tired of that woman or he sees a better and higher end model, he trades-in that person and goes after the upgrade. The problem is that people aren’t things; they’re, well, people. They have hopes, dreams, feelings, and aspirations just like you do.

The Problem with the Hook-Up Culture

On college campuses hooking-up has replaced dating. Guys seldom ask girls on out real dates: outings they have planned ahead of time and which involve just the two of them. And they even less frequently ask that girl to be their girlfriend and enter into monogamous relationships. Instead women and men hook up at bars, Greek houses, and parties. They have their way with each other and then hope never to have a run-in around campus. College is seen as the time to sow one’s wild oats before settling down at some yet to be determined, but definitively far off time.

While many (maybe most?) men see all this as harmless fun, the reality is that there are negative consequences to these hit and run sexual encounters. In truth, “casual sex” is an oxymoron; there is no such thing.

While for some men, sex is just another recreational activity like going to a baseball game, in reality sex is a powerful part of the human experience. Whether you are religious or not, it is wrong to strip sex of any kind of sacredness. The reason sex feels so fantastic is biological propagation insurance; after shooting wooly mammoths and pulling up roots all day, the human race needed a push to overcome the tiredness, get jiggy with it, and perpetuate the human race. Sex is not just erotic and hot, it’s the way in which human life is created. Regardless of how you think the human race came to be, the creation of life is surely imbued with power and mystery. Whether you want it to be or not, sex forms a union between you and the woman you are with. It’s the joining of two bodies together. Powerful hormones and feelings are released when you have sex. Evolution set up these feelings with the intention of bringing two people together to care for a new human life. It’s ridiculous to unite with a woman in this powerful coupling and then change partners like you’re changing a shirt.

Even if you wouldn’t use the word “sacred” with “sex,” it should at least be seen as “special.” Keeping it special means placing some boundaries around it. The extent of these boundaries will vary from man to man. But there are real reasons for not diluting it beyond measure:

Cheap Sex is Crap Sex. Sex is pretty much the most vulnerable thing you can do. You’re totally naked, worried about your performance, and not to be crude, but sticking your body part into another person. Good sex therefore involves a lot of trust. A trust born of real love and intimacy. The kind of intimacy born of late night conversations, dinner dates, fights, and reconciliations. If you’re having sex with someone you don’t love, you’re simply using them as tool for your pleasure. You might as well be doing it with an inflatable doll. The more you are in love with someone, the more fantastic sex is. The more commonplace sex becomes, the less spectacular it will be. This is the “dullness” Ben was referring to.

Casual Sex Disrespects Women. Even if you can get your jollies from a one night stand, no strings attached, that doesn’t mean your partner feels the same way. While you may be in it for the good time, the woman you hook-up with may develop feelings for you. I know there are woman who have no problem with random flings. But I also know more women who want to believe they’re down with hooking-up but feel hurt afterwards. I knew a lot of women in college who had random hook-ups, after which the guys didn’t call, and who suffered from bouts of depression and angst. They never connected the dots, but I have no doubt there was a correlation. And yes, this goes for guys too. You might hook-up with a girl who’s just leading you on, and get your heart crushed when you realize you’ve been played. Wait until your relationship is committed before being intimate.

Casual Sex Doesn’t Prepare You for Sex in a Real Relationship. Those who encourage men to have multiple sexual partners, argue that if you only have sex with a few, or heaven forbid, just one, sexual partner, you won’t know what kind of stuff you like and how to please the partner you finally do settle down with. On VH1’s recent documentary on sex, Woody Allen compares this to getting your driver’s license without having a learner’s permit. But casual sex is ill preparation for the monogamous variety. Good sex requires communication and a willingness to sometimes delay one’s pleasure for your partner’s benefit. But casual sex involves little communication and little incentive to maximize your partner’s pleasure. Sure, you want to show her a good time. But you’re mostly focused on getting off yourself, and hey, you’re never going to see this woman again, so if it’s so-so for her, who cares?

Related to this, is the argument people make for not saving sex for marriage. Now I know this definition of chastity is not embraced by many men. But those who do embrace it are often berated for choosing a life partner without knowing if the two of you are sexually compatible. I think this argument is total bunk. While it makes sense theoretically, how would it play out practically? Does this mean that if a man is totally in love with a woman, and then they have sex and it’s awkward, he would kick her to the curb and scrap the whole relationship? I have honestly never seen this actually happen. Hey, here’s a novel idea: How about if two people are sexually incompatible they work on their communication, maybe even go to therapy together? Pretty mind blowing, huh?

Furthermore, as my friend Dave is fond of saying, “Sex is like ice cream. The more flavors you sample, the harder it becomes to settle on one flavor for the rest of your life.”

• Being the Rock
• 8 Tools That Will Change Your Life: The Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Book Giveaway
• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• Cracking The Valentine’s Day Code
• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father

This week’s Manival is being hosted at Schaefer’s Blog. Make sure to go by and check it out. If you have a chance, give it a quick Stumble and a review.

Here are a few of my favorites:

The Manly Art of Giving a Toast (@ mitch ross)

Marriage Is Not 50/50 (@ i am husband)

Do’s and Don’ts of Complimenting Your Wife On Mother’s Day (@ discovering dad)

Make sure to tune in to next week’s Manival at The Care and Feeding of Man. If you’d like to submit a post to next week’s Manival, use the submission form. Contributing to the Manival is an easy way to introduce your blog to new readers and generate new traffic, so contribute today!

• Check out the Manival #5 at the Care and Feeding of Man
• Check out The Manival #6 At Building Camelot
• Check Out The Manival #11 at iamhusband
• Check Out the Manival #2 at A Good Husband
• Check out The Manival #7 at The Simple Marriage Project

This is the eleventh post in a series about living Ben Franklin’s 13 virtues.

“TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.”

Every day we encounter a thousand little annoyances. Some jerk cuts us off on the way to work, we get a flat tire, someone takes our lunch out of the fridge, and so on. While each incident is seemingly small, they burrow under our skin and fester there. The mundane indignities of life threaten to snuff the very life out of us. We can soon find ourselves exploding at the smallest irritations. We become angry all the time.

In Western society, anger has sometimes been associated with toughness and manliness. We secretly applaud the hothead who finally loses it on the nincompoop who screwed him over. But anger is often a blustery cover for a man who is insecure and weak and has no other recourse to solve his problems and make his point. Truly manliness means being as coolheaded and unflappable as possible no matter what the situation.

Many men use two equally detrimental methods to deal with their anger. Some seek cantharis by giving their anger free reign. But this only magnifies the anger and can have negative consequences for both the angry man and those around him. Other men try to stuff their anger deep down inside. This buried anger eats at their insides and transforms them into bitter and cynical men.

Why seek tranquility?

Anger is one of the key primal passions that you must learn who how to harness. Harnessing your anger will give you strength to reign in your other carnal tendencies. It will also help you make decisions rationally. When you’re angry, you’re not thinking clearly. You may make rash decisions that you will later regret.

Not all anger is without merit. When you learn to harness your anger, you can begin to use anger as a tool. Righteous anger, properly channeled and employed, can drive a man to fight personal, societal, and global wrongs. But when faced with “trifles and accidents common or unavoidable,” the virtue of tranquility must prevail.

Frequent anger is bad for your health. We may think of anger as an emotion, but it affects your physical body as much as your mind. No matter what triggers your anger, whether something truly threatening like a push from an angry drunk, or something small like a billing error from your cell phone provider, your nervous system reacts the same way:

Levels of hormones, like cortisol, increase.
Your breathing gets faster.
Your pulse gets faster.
Your blood pressure rises.
As you heat up, you begin to sweat.
Your pupils dilate.
You may notice sudden headaches.

In prehistoric times this “fight or flight” reaction was enormously helpful. It put you on hyper-alert so that you were ready to take action, whether that was putting up your dukes or high tailing it out there. These days, your body gets all hyped up but then has no outlet to channel this energy into.
Frequently triggering anger’s hormones hurts your heart. Studies have found that men who have normal blood pressure, but high levels of anger are more likely to develop coronary artery disease or have a heart attack. Men who lose their temper the most are three times as likely to have a heart attack as the least angry. Young men, even without a family history of heart disease, who quickly react to stress with anger, are at three times the normal risk of developing premature heart disease and five times more likely to have an early heart attack than their more tranquil peers. Angry men are also more prone to depression and other negative behaviors.

Anger hurts those around you. If you want others to respect and trust you, you must learn how to control your temper. If you explode at every little thing, your co-workers, friends, and family will start to walk on egg shells around you. They’ll constantly fear setting off your temper and feel insecure in your presence. The harm your anger can cause is well-illustrated by the following story:

A BAG OF NAILS

Once upon a time there was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he should hammer a nail in the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. But gradually, the number of daily nails dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the first day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He proudly told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.

“You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out, it won’t matter how many times you say ‘I’m sorry’, the wound is still there.”

Harnessing Your Anger and Practicing Tranquility

A lot of “anger management” gurus recommend that when you get angry, you should count to 100 or take deep breaths before reacting. I don’t think these methods are effective; once anger takes a hold of you, there’s no way you’re going to sit there and twiddle your thumbs before taking action. Instead, you must train your mind to deal with anger before you are confronted with it. You must change your whole mindset, so when irritations beset you, you are ready and prepared to meet them calmly.

Change your perspective on life. Although you may not be conscious of it, the reason you get angry at life’s little annoyances, is that you believe life is supposed to go smoothly. Therefore, when things don’t go your way, you experience this as an irritating deviation from the norm. You must settle in your mind the fact that the nature of life is frustrating and chaotic. When things fall into place, that is the true deviation. Dispense with your unrealistic expectations for life and you will find it far easier to roll with the punches.

Change your perspective on yourself. While some say the root of anger is fear, I believe the heart of anger is selfishness. The angriest of men not only believe life should go smoothly for them, they DEMAND that it does. Angry men feel morally superior to others and thus believe that people should consistently agree, respect, and appreciate them, always kowtowing to their wishes. When this fails to happen, the angry man is hurt and channels this disappointment into anger. The angry man believes that it is okay for others to suffer life’s indignities, but not him. To alleviate anger, you must get off your high horse.

Change Your Perspective on Others. When you mess up or treat someone badly, you often feel bad and find the reason for your offensive behavior. You think things like, “Man, I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately and I really feel ragged.” Or “I shouldn’t have cut off that guy, but I have to get to that appointment on time or I might get fired.” Yet, when others do similar things to us, we bubble over with anger, never thinking that they might have done those things for the same reasons we did them. People make mistakes just like you do. Give others the same amount of leniency you lavish on yourself. People aren’t out to get you. They’re having a bad day or they weren’t raised with the right manners. Stop taking it personally.

Kill Your Anger with Logic

Anger, even when justified, often becomes highly irrational. Therefore, the antidote to anger is logic. You must train your mind to rationally think through the things that happen to you before choosing the proper reaction.
Be conscious of your anger and what is causing it. Anger often blinds our minds to the real root of what is bothering us. We often flip out at the closest target or the most recent trigger of our anger, when the underlying cause of the anger is deeper or lies somewhere else. You must develop the strength to be able to sit with your anger and sort through it. Once you can rationally examine your anger, you can find the root cause and address it. Part of what makes us so angry is not truly understanding what is pissing us off. Think about when a plane is delayed. When no reason is given for the delay, people get more angry than if a legitimate reason is cited. Understanding the reasons for your anger will help you defuse it. You can then rationally, but assertively rectify the situation.

Be willing to admit that you are the cause of your anger. The reason that traffic makes you so angry, is that you left home 10 minutes to late. The reason you’re mad that you wife keeps nagging you about mowing the lawn, is that you keep putting it off.

Learn to ask yourself this question: is this situation something I can change or something I cannot change? If the situation or person which is angering you is something you can change, then there is no reason to be angry. Channel your energy into coming up with a plan to solve the problem. If the situation or person is something you cannot change, again, there is no reason to be angry. There’s nothing you can do about it, so there is no reason to get all bent out of shape. Men are natural problem solvers; we want to come up with a solution for everything. But manliness also means learning to accept and come to a peace with that which we cannot change.

Sources:

WebMD

APA

Menweb

Anger and Aversion

A

• 8 Tools That Will Change Your Life: The Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Book Giveaway
• How to Apologize Like a Man
• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father
• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 18: Find Your N.U.T.s
• The Awesome Dad Cheat Sheet: 18 Fatherhood Tips They Should’ve Handed Out at the Delivery Room

This a 10th post in a series about the Benjamin Franklin’s 13 virtues.

CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.

A common stereotype that society places on males is that of the sloppy and unkempt man. We see it all the time on television. A man sitting in his man chair with potato chip crumbs all over himself.

Beer cans and old pizza cartons are stacked throughout the room. The fellow is usually wearing a crummy t-shirt with food stains all over it. This sad image is what some would say represents manliness.

They couldn’t be more wrong.

While many think that only effeminate men would take the time to care about cleanliness; manly men understand that taking pride in cleanliness develops one’s attention to detail, work ethic, and self confidence. Moreover, cleanliness facilitates the orderly development of one’s life.

The History of Cleanliness

While the meaning of all the virtues has changed overtime, the application of the virtue of cleanliness has perhaps fluctuated the most. We would probably be grossed out by Franklin’s standard of cleanliness, and today’s standard would likely have disturbed him. Historically and up through the present day, ideas of what constitutes “cleanliness” has varied greatly.

For an ancient Egyptian or Babylonian, cleanliness meant showering with water from aqueducts or simply from servants pouring water on you. A soap made from ashes and animal fat was used. The Greeks created the first plumbed-in showers, and citizens showered outside at various spigots scattered throughout their cities.

For an ancient Roman cleanliness meant rubbing his body with oil and dust and then adding a layer of perspiration from a day of work or play. After he had built up a sufficient patina of bodily soil, he’d have someone scrape it off with a rake-like instrument. Next he would take a series of baths-first lukewarm, then hot, then cold. This would all occur in public at a local bathhouse, a swinging place where he’d hang out for several hours. Soap was not typically involved in any part of the process.

For early Christians, cleanliness was not next to godliness. In fact, the dirtier you were, the more virtuous you were assumed to be. Cleanliness was considered a sinful luxury and thus monks and nuns who cared more for God than their earthly tabernacles avoided bathing to show their dedication to a holy life.

For Europeans in the centuries after the coming of the Black Death, cleanliness meant anything but a bath. To observers during the plague, it seemed that people often became stricken with the disease after using the bathhouse. The theory was advanced that bathing opened your pores and thus let in disease. A layer of dirt and odor was thought to stave off infection. Bathing became avoided like, well, the plague. It would not be until the 17th century when bathing would slowly come back into vogue.

Even then, for a gentlemen in 17th century France, cleanliness meant the frequent changing of his linen shirt. It was believed that linen had a special wicking power that pulled dirt and impurities from the body like a magnet. Changing one’s shirt was thought to be as effective as a good scrubbing in the bath.

Frequent bathing and showering would not become popular until the mid-1800’s when the discovery of germs was coupled with advancements in indoor plumbing and shower technology.

But it would really be the purveyors of hygienic products that would continually up the ante of what cleanliness truly meant. As advertising became more prevalent in the early 1900’s, the producers of soap, deodorant, and toothpaste set out to convince a new generation of Americans of problems they never knew existed. For example, it was Listerine’s advertising team, not dentists, who came up with the term “chronic halitosis” to describe bad breath. Whereas as bad breath had previously been thought of as a part of life, it then became a dangerous disease to be cured and eradicated. Likewise, toothpaste manufacturers made the frightening discovery of “film on teeth,” a phenomenon that had once gone completely unnoticed. The cure of course was daily and religious tooth brushing. Advertisements warned potential customers that any kind of bodily odor could spell a premature social death.

Why is Cleanliness a Virtue?

Can such a changing, and sometimes advertiser driven concept really be a virtue? Yes. While the standard of cleanliness may vary from time period to time period, and from culture to culture, meeting the standard of your time and place is not without merit.

Cleanliness makes your feel good. Regardless of whether the feeling is inherent, or created by social conditioning, keeping your body, clothes, and home clean feels undeniably great. A hot shower, your favorite clean shirt, and a well organized house make you feel ready to take on the world.

Cleanliness keeps your mind clear and your life organized. If your house is a total disaster, your thinking is going to feel similarly disorganized. There is something to be said for the concept of Feng Shui. There is an natural connection between the order of your environment and the state of your mind. Clutter will weigh you down and stress you out. A clean, well-organized environment will lift your spirits.

Cleanliness gives you a good image. How you present yourself in life is paramount. If you, your clothes, or your house looks like a disheveled mess, people are inevitably going to judge part of your character and personality on such evidence. Perhaps that is unfair, but it is how the world works. When you present a neat and clean appearance to others, they will respect and think highly of you.

Cleanliness leads to beauty. That which is neat, well-proportioned, and symmetrical creates beauty and appeals to the eye. As we transform our lives to be orderly and clean, we increase the amount of beauty in our lives.

Finding Balance in Cleanliness

The key to the virtue of cleanliness, as with all the virtues, is moderation. Don’t be a clean freak. Don’t be a germ phobe. It is amazing how many new ways companies have come up with to enable us to kill germs. We can now spray the air to rid it of scary particles and zap our toothbrush with UV rays to keep it hyper-hygienic. Every news show cannot resist doing a program revealing the many creepy crawly bacteria lurking on telephones and toilets. Most of these scaremonger attempts, designed to frighten you into hygienic overdrive, can be disregarded. Our great grandparents worked up a far greater sweat than we do, and yet didn’t tote around hand sanitizer, shower twice a day, or Lysol the hell out of every touchable surface.

In fact, modern society’s unhealthy obsession with cleanliness is actually making us sicker. Our immune system is like a muscle. It needs to come into contact with dirt and germs so it can develop the strength it needs to fight the sicknesses that come along with dirt and germs. If your immune system lacks experience in taking on bacteria, when it finally encounters some, the bacteria will triumph.

Also remember, there’s nothing wrong with smelling like a human being, like a man. Seneca, Roman orator and writer, rebuked bathe lovers for not smelling “of the army, of farm work, and of manliness.” While the purveyors of Axe body spray and the like attempt to sell the idea that coating your body with an artificial aerosol scent is the way to attract the ladies, my personal anecdotal experience doesn’t bear this out. My wife loves to smell my armpits’ mixture of deodorant and man scent. And she likes my man scent in general. Other women have told me the same thing about the men in their lives. Women like the natural scent of a man.

Cleanliness in Practice

Don’t Live like a Slob. Our society, a vacuum of true manliness, pushes the idea that all men are slobs. Yet there is nothing inherently manly about slovenly living. Everyone, men and women alike, have a natural tendency to take the the path of least resistance when it comes to cleanliness. Cleanliness takes work. But our culture often gives men a pass to revel in their sloppy tendencies. Don’t drop things on the floor, don’t leave dishes in the sink, don’t leave your clutter all around the house. You’ll not only create a more pleasant environment, you’ll stop creating extra work for your wife.

Establish a Daily Cleaning Regimen. The problem many men have with keeping their home clean is that they let the clutter and dirt build up until cleaning seems like an insurmountable task. Instead of waiting for this to happen, establish a 10 minute cleaning routine and resolve to perform it daily. Here’s my recommended regimen:

• When you get out of the shower, spray it down with a mold and mildew prevention spray. This will keep your shower clean and increase the time between deep cleanings.

• Keep disposable cleaning wipes on the sink. When you are done brushing your teeth and shaving, wipe down the sink and mirror with one of the wipes.

• Spend 5 minutes before you go to bed picking up any clutter than has arisen during the day.

Don’t Dress Like a Slob. Take some pride in your appearance. Don’t be a metrosexual, but don’t be slovenly mess either. The other day I was out to eat and I was amazed at how slobby everyone was dressed. Men and boys were in mesh basketball shorts, wind pants, and sleeveless shirts, wearing their baseball cap backwards. Don’t get me wrong. The I’m not saying that a place like Chili’s is the paragon of fancy dining and thus necessitates formal attire. But would it hurt to put on at least a pair nice khaki pants and t-shirt that covers your arms?

• If your shirt needs ironing, iron it. And don’t try to convince yourself that by not ironing it, you’re capturing a sort of rugged New England-I-spent-the-day-sailing look. No, you look like a tool who didn’t iron their shirt.

• Don’t use your dirty clothes basket or the floor as your closet. If it’s still clean, put it back in your dresser or on a hanger. If you put something in the hamper, it means it needs to be washed. Wash your clothes frequently enough that you don’t have to rummage through your dirty clothes to find something to wear. Whatever you pick out of your hamper is going to be wrinkly and smell bad.

Basic Grooming. To present a neat and clean appearance (and to please the woman in your life) here are the hygiene basics every man should adhere to. You’d think this stuff would be common sense, but I’m constantly surprised by the number of men who seem clueless about the basics of cleanliness.

• Use a Q-tip in your ears every now and then. Nothing grosses out the ladies like orange waxy ear build up.

• Trim any excessive nose and ear hair. Nobody wants to see daddy long legs coming out of your nostrils. Keep them neat.

• Trim your unibrow. While men should NOT pluck or wax their eyebrows, there should be a clear separation between each one.

• Trim your toenails and fingernails. Some men let their toenails grow to sloth size. Nothing will kill passion in the bedroom like a your gross sloth toenail scraping your wife’s leg. First, you could cut her leg. Second, it’s just going to gross her out. Unless you’re a guitar player, keep your nails short.
• Shower regularly. You would think it wouldn’t have to be said, but I know plenty of women who complain about the frequency, or lack thereof of their man’s showering. It doesn’t have to be every day, but don’t think people don’t notice when you’re greasy and stinky. Always shower after working out.

The Best Personal Cleanliness Tip That You’re Not Doing. Men are somewhat notorious for having bad breath. It grosses out your wife and your co-workers. If you are taking women on dates, it can ruin your first kiss, and all the kisses thereafter. A lot of men try to cure their bad breath with toothbrushing, flossing, and mints. While these all have their place, the best way to clean your mouth us by using a tongue scraper.

The majority of bad breath is not caused by the food that you eat, but rather originates from the back of your tongue. There, bacteria, decaying food particles, and even discharge from your nasal cavities, breeds and emits a foul odor. Brushing your teeth won’t get rid of it. Even brushing your tongue with your tooth brush won’t get it all. And breath mints and gum don’t remove it either. Your tongue is like a lush carpet and the germs hide in the nooks and crannies. You need a tongue scraper to sweep them out. A mouth post-tongue scrape is remarkably clean, and the results are instantaneous. You can tell the difference right after you scrape.

If you are afraid of waking up to your significant other with monstrous morning breath, just make sure you scrape your tongue before bed. Your morning breath will be significantly tamed. And you won’t have to employ the old back of the hand sniff test.

• Keeping It Fresh: Avoiding Bad Breath, Body Odor, and Cheap Cologne
• Battling Bacne
• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• The Virtuous Life: Order-Become a Master of the Universe
• Lessons In Manliness: Benjamin Franklin’s Pursuit of the Virtuous Life

This is the ninth post in a series about living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin.

Avoid extremes. Forebear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

Have you been in a relationship that started out with amazing passion? You got butterflies every time you saw the person and wanted to be with them every moment of every day. The connection was electric. But after a few month things started to fizzle. You began to get bored and restless. The fire has faded to a spark.

Or have you ever moved to a new and breathtakingly beautiful place? The first few months you lived there you were awed each day by the scenery. Just going out to get the mail was an opportunity to gaze with wonder into the distance. But as the years go by those once breathtaking surroundings become just the ordinary background of your day to day life.

Remember the last time you bought a CD that you were completely blown away by? You listened to the songs over and over again; they stirred something inside you. But after a few months you could listen without really even noticing it was on. And eventually you got a bit tired of it and put a new CD in rotation.

What is the common thread in all of these situations? They all show the way in which our brains quickly become accustomed to stimulation. While at first our senses are acutely tuned in to the input they are receiving, they fast become acclimated to the stimuli. The stimuli lose the ability to wow us and give us pleasure. We become numb to it. At this point most people reach for something new to experience those fresh feelings anew.

This is certainly the answer society gives us for our restlessness, our boredom, our anxiousness, and unhappiness. The answer is always MORE. More stimulation. More sex, more movies, more music, more drinking, more money, more freedom, more food. More of anything is sold as the cure for everything. Yet paradoxically, the more stimulation we receive, the less joy and enjoyment we get out of it. The key to experiencing greater fulfillment and pleasure is actually moderation.

Moderation doesn’t seem to get a lot of play these days. Everything is presented in extremes. We have extreme sports, extreme deodorant, extreme energy drinks, even an Extreme Teen Bible. We seek extremes because we erroneously believe that the more intense an experience is, the more pleasurable it will be

Our Insatiable Appetite for Stimulation

Never go to excess, but let moderation be your guide. ~ Marcus Tillius Cicero

Humans have always sought greater and greater stimulation. An illuminating example can be found in ancient Rome. The great battles of the Coliseum, made famous in movies like the Gladiator, began on a much smaller scale. The tradition started as a way to celebrate the funerals of important men. Two prisoners would fight to the death. Whoever killed his opponent first was freed.

These battles grew in number and intensity as military officials and politicians competed to put on the grandest show. The contest also grew in popularity as the central source of entertainment for ordinary Romans. Sensing the people’s fervent interest, in the year 40 BC Julius Caesar held the first games that were unconnected to a funeral.

The games quickly grew in size, scope, and barbarity. The Romans’ appetite for the games was insatiable and eventually warranted building the famous Coliseum to hold the rabid fans. These fans constantly demanded a ratcheting up of the experience’s intensity. In the same way that sleazy reality shows of today find new and degrading ways to bring in viewers, the gladiator games sought new twists to keep the audience interested. The games were thus meticulously planned to meet the spectators’ expectations. What had started as a contest between gladiators became a bizarre and bloody circus where humans were fed to animals, animals were slaughtered for fun, and women, children, blind men, and dwarves were made to fight to the death.

Even brief pauses in the action bored the crowd, necessitating the building of elaborate tunnels facilitating the entrance and removal of warriors and animals with minimal interruption. People expected each show to be better and bloodier than the last. Yet the games’ ever escalating intensity could never keep pace with the crowd’s insatiable appetite for blood. It became impossible for Rome’s rulers to keep up with the pace and costs of these elaborate spectacles and the games eventually died out in the 6^th century.

The story of the Roman games showcases a very important paradox: greater stimulation will not appease your desires, it will actually increase your appetite for them.

As we increase our stimulation, our appetite consequently rises to meet it. We then need even more stimulation to achieve the same pleasure the old level of stimulation gave us.

Yet the ratcheting up of stimulation will eventually reach the point of diminishing returns. As you seek higher and higher levels of stimulation, you eventually damage the delicate mechanisms your body and mind have for receiving and enjoying pleasure. We can overload our pleasure circuits, and become numb to future enjoyments.

How Moderation Can Increase Our Pleasure

When we feel unhappy and bored there are two ways to revive our feelings of enjoyment and pleasure. One is to seek new things and more stimulation. You can start going out more, having sex more, and buying more new things and experiences. But the pleasure you get from ratcheting up the intensity of these experiences will eventually end in a plateau. The alternative is to cultivate the virtue of moderation by seeking greater enjoyment and pleasure in things you are already doing now.

Reconnect with Your Senses. We live in a society saturated by stimulation. We have become numbed to nuance. You don’t need new stimulation, you need to rediscover the hidden layers of ordinary experiences. Stop wolfing down your food. Start tasting the unique flavors and textures of each mouthful. Instead of doing a keg stand and chugging cheap beer, learn to savor and appreciate the craftsmanship that goes into a quality brew. Start allowing yourself to feel some awe when you look at the night sky. Start actually thinking about how touching your girlfriend’s skin feels. We’re usually walking through life like zombies. Wake up and start delving into the wonder of the world.

Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance. ~Epicurus

Get Reacquainted with Your Attention Span. Whenever I rent movies from several decades ago, I am struck by how much slower the pacing of the action is. Things seem to happen in real time. I can feel myself get slightly antsy during these parts. But the problem is my attention span, not the movie. Similarly, sometimes when my computer is going a little slowly, I get very frustrated. But then I think, “man, it was only a few years ago that I had dial-up.” Our expectations for speed and stimuli have gotten unreasonable. Start stretching your attention span by watching old movies, reading the newspaper, and reading a good, long book. And when you get restless, try to put things in perspective.

Stop multitasking and be present in the moment. If you’re like me, you’re always doing two things at once: talking on the phone and surfing the net, surfing the net and watching TV, watching TV and reading a magazine, ect. Even when I fold laundry, I have to turn on the TV. I crave stimulation every moment. But this craving only begets the need for more stimulation. Try to do one task at a time. Quit mindlessly distracting yourself every moment. Concentrate your senses and focus on whatever it is you are doing.

Our moral theorists seem never content with the normal. Why must it always be a contest between fornication, obesity and laziness, and celibacy, fasting and hard labor? ~Martin H. Fischer

Take a fast from stimulation. Too much stimulation overloads our sensory circuits. It is thus essential to unplug and get away. The best thing to do is to periodically tear out into the outdoors. Leave your phone and computer behind. If you don’t have the opportunity to do this, at least try a phone and/or internet “fast.” Pick one day a week where you don’t check either.

Delay your Gratification. The more you hold out for something, the greater the pleasure you’ll experience when you finally attain it. If you eat ice cream everyday, it’s not going to taste as good as it would if you ate it only once a month. The more you hold out for that new car, the more pleasure you will feel when you finally get it. Have you ever noticed that the anticipation of a holiday can be just as good and sometimes better than the actual holiday itself? Hold out for things and enjoy the exquisite pleasure of anticipation.

Source: Wanting More: Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction

• The Problem With Porn
• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• Weekly Link Round-Up
• The Virtuous Life: Silence
• The Virtuous Life: Humility

This is the eighth post in a series on living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin.

“JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.”

Man is a social animal. Everyday we interact with people in different capacities and relationships. In order to ensure that these interactions go smoothly, human beings have developed rights and obligations that each individual and community must recognize. The virtue of justice guides men in their quest to respect these boundaries and responsibilities.

What is justice?

For millennia philosophers have debated this question. Justice, like beauty or goodness, is an ethereal and hard to define concept. Catholic theologian and philosopher St. Thomas Aquinas put it quite succinctly when he defined justice as the constant and perpetual will to render to everyone his due. I think it’s the same idea of justice that Franklin had. Those who uphold the laws, rules, and standards are rewarded. Those who do not are punished. Injustice occurs when a man denies an individual or group either the punishment or reward due them.

How to develop the virtue of justice

Develop knowledge. To be a just man you must develop knowledge of the rights and responsibilities that govern your family, community, and nation. Much of this knowledge is developed simply by interacting with others and begins at a very early age. We learn that if you break something or injury someone, you should seek to restore that which you damaged by paying for what you broke or apologizing to who you hurt. We learn that when you make a promise, you keep it, and if you can’t keep it, you must make restitution for the negative results of your failure to keep your word.

Justice denied anywhere diminishes justice everywhere. ~ Dr. Martin Luther King

While such knowledge comes to us intuitively, there are often issues of justice that may be out of our realm of experience or happen on a larger scale. Such issues often fail to garner the attention they deserve because they take effort to delve into. Apathy is perhaps the greatest impediment to justice. There are many unjust things happening in your community, state, nation, and world that fail to produce righteous indignation because men do not care to educate themselves about what is happening.

True men seek not only for justice in the events that intimately affect them, but for the fair treatment of all, even strangers. They confront injustice whenever and wherever it appears. To do this, men must have a firm grasp of culture and ideas, keep abreast of current events, and take time to travel outside of their usual sphere of life. You can develop the knowledge necessary to exercise justice with wisdom by doing the following things:

Reading good and noble books. Make it a goal to read as many of the classic works of literature that you can during your lifetime. All great books struggle with complex issues that require characters to exercise justice. By reading great literature, you develop and aggregate the knowledge that you need to exercise justice. For a list of The Great Books of Western Civilization, check out this site. You can find most of these books at the library or you can even find them online at Project Guttenberg.

Nothing is to be preferred before justice. ~ Socrates

Reading/watching reputable news sources. Whether online or in print form, every man should read at least one newspaper a day. Read sources with both a liberal and conservative slant in order to get a balanced viewpoint. Watching “The Daily Show” is not without merit, but supplement it by reading a news source that delves deeply into the issues. Having too little time is no excuse. Simply turn on NPR during your daily commute to get tuned in to what is happening around the country and the world. By keeping abreast of current events, you will begin to see the amount of injustice in the world, develop the ability to make judgments on how to solve these injustices, and be inspired to take action.

Travel and leave you comfort zone. While I don’t believe the need to travel is a legitimate excuse for putting off commitment, it is undoubtedly a singular way to educate yourself. When the opportunity arises, visit a foreign country and seek out places and people not found in the travel guides. Leaving your comfort zone does not have to mean leaving the country; for many men, a different part of town can be just as foreign. Make an attempt to see places even in your own city that you usually never venture. You’d be surprised at the amount of injustice that happens in your own town.

Areas in our personal life where we can exercise justice

For too many men, justice never goes beyond words and into deeds. Men in my generation tend to bitch and moan about the problems in society, politics, and the world, but fail to take any action to rectify those injustices beyond slapping a witty bumper sticker on the back of their Honda. To be fair, these men are understandably disillusioned with the power systems of the day, and the growing sense that there is nothing we can do to change them. But the deeper into apathy they sink, the truer that will become. Apathy is like a contagious disease that spreads from person to person as each individual gives up the passion to fight the good fight. The truth is that each man has the responsibility to fight for justice in any capacity he can. Here are some ways to do that:

Justice in our communications. Last week, we talked about the virtue of sincerity. When we are insincere with others, we deny that person the right to truth. This is an injustice. When we gossip about another person, we blacken the name of that person without allowing them a chance to defend themselves. This is also injustice.

All virtue is summed up in dealing justly. ~Aristotle

Justice in the workplace. A just employer will pay their employees what they deserve. A just CEO won’t take a pay raise when his company loses money and when the company does make money, he will spread some of that wealth down to the workers who helped make that profit possible. Just employers also don’t cut corners, and don’t try to get their employees to work overtime without pay. They don’t try to cheat their employees out of benefits they have earned. In turn, just employees don’t cheat their employer by goofing off when they are being paid to work. They don’t call in sick when they are really nursing a hangover or simply playing hooky.

Justice in the public arena. Nowhere is the aforementioned disillusionment more pronounced than in the area of politics. Men today have grown completely cynical as scandal after scandal erupts and another political leader who made hopeful promises during their campaign, abandons those ideals once in office. The problem is not just corrupt politicians; however, it is the apathy of voters who voice no outcry as the ship of our democracy slowly sinks.

But it is not sunk yet. There are still a few good politicians out there and if men get more involved in the political process, more of the good apples will get in and more of the corrupt bastards will be kicked out. This can only happen if people start taking an active role in politics. Read up on the issues. Ignore the fluff that big media creates in their cotton candy machine of news. Get involved in campaigns. Donate to your candidate of choice, go door to door spreading their message, put a sign in your yard, form activist groups, distribute leaflets at school, ect. Nothing will ever change unless men start caring. Need some motivation? Watch Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

It is in justice that the ordering of society is centered. ~Aristotle

Justice in your community. Even if many men have trouble believing they can change politics, no one can deny that change is possible when undertaken on a one to one basis. Many people in your community didn’t receive a fair start in life. We can serve the cause of justice by helping them rise to a level playing field. Find a way to volunteer and perform service for others. Become a Big Brother and mentor a young man who has gotten a short shrift in life and help him see how he can make a man of himself.

Another way you can exercise justice in your community is to stand up for individuals who you think are being abused physically, mentally, or emotionally by others. ABC News set up a situation in which a man verbally assaulted a woman in a park in order to see how many people would step in to stop it. Surprisingly, not many people did. The ones who did intervene were mostly women. What’s wrong with men? I know in America we take pride in our rugged individualism and we try to avoid getting involved in other people’s lives, but if you see an act of abuse going on, don’t stand idly by. Do something damn it!

Justice in the world. Once you start paying attention to current events, you will be struck by the amount of injustice in the world. Lots of attention is given to causes such as AIDS or world poverty. These are noble and worthy causes, but I feel that we often go about solving them in the wrong way. Throwing huge concerts to “raise awareness” about global poverty or just throwing money at poor countries is a good start but won’t solve the problem. There’s an awful lot of smug back patting that goes on at such events. The awareness wears off after a few weeks and corrupt governments in poor countries waste the money that we give them. If you’d like to fight injustice in the world, join the Peace Corps or work for UNICEF. If all you can do is donate money, make sure to donate it to a reputable non-governmental agency that will use most of your dough to help people, not pay for administrative costs. Another great way to help alleviate poverty is by funding micro-loans to enable people in developing countries to start small businesses.

If you are feeling really ambitious, start tithing. Tithing is often associated with giving to a religious organization, but it doesn’t have to be. If you don’t belong to a church, if you’re not religious, or don’t even believe in God, you can still tithe. Find a cause you’re passionate about and donate a percentage of your income to it. It can be anything! The environment, a political organization, or a charity. Donating your money to a cause or an organization is a reflection of your values. It’s your chance to put your money where your mouth is.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it.

Subscribe to Art of Manliness by RSS or email to get your FREE guide to being a gentleman in 2008.

• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• The Virtuous Life: Frugality
• Lessons In Manliness: Benjamin Franklin’s Pursuit of the Virtuous Life
• 3 Lame Excuses For Not Saving Money
• The Art of Manliness Weekly Roundup: Tulsa State Fair Edition

This is the seventh in a series of posts on Ben Franklin’s 13 virtues.

Photo by klbndc

SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

These days, “sincerity” has come to be narrowly defined and almost entirely associated with “earnestness” and the state of being truly interested in what you profess to be interested in. But Ben’s definition is a bit broader. The dictionary adds clarification as it defines “sincerity” as: “freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; honesty in intention or in communicating; earnestness.” At the heart of sincerity is honesty in all your conduct and especially your communications. Honesty and integrity are the marks of true men. Seek sincerity in all your communications by becoming a man who keeps confidences, curbs his sarcasm, and avoids dishonesty.

Gossip and Keeping Confidences

Most men would never dream of robbing a bank or stealing their friends’ possessions. But many men are far less careful with an equally valuable piece of property: private information. No matter how the information came to you, the sacredness of information in your possession should be closely guarded. You should consider the confidential information given you as money in a trust; you are the guardian, but you are not allowed to spend it. It is rare today to meet a man with whom you can share your private thoughts and know absolutely that that information will never leave the room. Be that man. Be a man of honor. Be a vault.

Gossip can hurt both you and the person you choose to talk about in several ways:

If you are someone who talks behind people’s backs, even those who like you will come to mistrust you. When you hear a man slandering someone else when that person is not present, you are forced to wonder what that man says about you, when you are not around.

Gossip is inherently unfair. Men should always seek to be just in their dealings with others. But when you gossip, you sully a person’s name without that person being present and allowed to defend themselves. Your reputation is important to you; show that same respect for the reputation of others by refusing to tear them down when they can’t fight back.

Gossip can ruin people’s reputations. Sometimes even information you are sure at the time is true, turns out to be faulty. Nevertheless, the damage is done and people’s perceptions of a person may be forever altered.

How to Keep Confidences

Determine whether or not a piece of information can be passed on or not. Gossip does not have to be false to be gossip. Gossip can be true, yet still no one’s damn business. If you are not sure if something can be shared or not, ask yourself these questions:

• Is it true?
• Is it kind?
• Is it necessary?

If you can answer yes to all three, then go ahead. If not? Shut you pie hole.

But what if others press you to reveal something secret that you know? I recommend the following as an excellent retort: Draw the information seeker close to you and whisper, “Can you keep a secret?” Your friend will then answer, “Certainly!” At this point put your hand on his shoulder and say, “Well, so can I.” End of conversation.

Tone Down Your Sarcasm

I’ll admit it-I’m a sarcastic person. A well-timed zinger can sometimes produce comedic gold. But it’s a tool that’s more effective in moderation. Yet for some men, everything out of their mouth is dripping with sarcasm. It becomes their conversational crutch. When sarcasm becomes excessive it can hurt you and others around you for the following reasons:

Sarcasm is often the refuge of the weak and is employed by men who are too much of a pansy to say what is really on their minds. According to Psychology Today:

“Though they may not be aware of it, sarcasm is their means of indirectly expressing aggression toward others and insecurity about themselves. Wrapping their thoughts in a joke shields them from the vulnerability that comes with directly putting one’s opinions out there. “Sarcastic people protect themselves by only letting the world see a superficial part of who they are,” says Steven Stosny, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist and anger specialist. “They’re very into impression management.”

Sarcasm can hurt people’s feelings. It’s often a fine line between good natured ribbing and a really stinging comment. While you know you are only joking, others might take what you say to heart.

Sarcasm is too easy. Sarcasm is often used as a cop-out when a man cannot formulate a well-reasoned opinion. It is far easier to throw out a zinger than to make a thoughtful counterargument.

Lying

In the area of lying, most men do alright when it comes to blatantly fabricating pieces of information. But it is the more insidious lying that is harder to master. In our looks, in our tone, in what parts of a story we leave in and what parts we leave out, we may still be being dishonest. I often hear someone say, “No I didn’t lie to him. I just didn’t tell him everything that happened.” This is still a lie.

Lying is easy to rationalize, especially when telling the truth will bring upon us negative consequences. But we must strive for complete honesty. If you start telling small lies, it becomes easier to rationalize the bigger ones. And if you are almost always honest, and yet are caught but once in a lie, people will question both your past actions and your future remarks. You integrity and trustworthiness will have been effectively shot.

But what about lies to preserve people’s feelings?

This is the age old question. What do you say when your wife asks you if she looks fat in something, and she does? How about if she gets a horrendous haircut and she wants to know if you like it? If you are breaking up with a woman and it’s because she is annoying or shallow, should you tell her the truth?

Telling these “white lies” present sticky judgment calls. The right answer varies from situation to situation. A certain amount of white lying is necessary to maneuver at home, in society, and in the workplace. But in general I recommend erring on the side of honesty. I personally tend to be honest to a fault. Sometimes it gets me trouble, but generally it has won me the respect of my peers. The problem with telling white lies is that while they may flatter a person in the short term, they hurt the person in the long term. Take the example of the bad haircut. If everyone tells a woman that it looks fantastic, she will keep on getting the same horrendous haircut. If you tell a woman you are breaking up with that “its not you, its me,” when it really is her, you deprive that woman of a chance for evaluating how she might change that flaw. But I can say unequivocally that if you wife asks you if she looks fat, you should always answer no. Even if she begs you to be honest. It is a trap.

Finally, it should be noted that some people use the cloak of honesty as an excuse to deliver callous and cutting remarks. When questioned they say, “Well, I am just being honest!” That may be true, but there is often no need to pipe in if your opinion is not expressly solicited. Use sound judgment and be a gentleman.

• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• How to Give Praise Like a Man
• The Virtuous Life: Justice
• Manvotional: Thomas Carlyle’s Advice to Young Men
• The Virtuous Life: Order-Become a Master of the Universe

This is the sixth in a series of posts on Ben Franklin’s 13 virtues.

Photo by Lewis Hine

Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.

If you spend any time on the web, you probably have heard of Tim Ferris‘ book “The Four Hour Work Week.” In the book, Mr. Ferris sets out to show people how they can spend far less time working and thus have the freedom to design the lifestyle of their dreams.

Basically, what this entails is outsourcing as many menial tasks as you can to some person in India so you can have time to travel the world pursuing your passion. While I think Mr. Ferris makes some good points about being more effective during your time at work, his premise that people should seek to avoid work completely through lifestyle design never sat well with me. Here are five of my beefs with “The Four Hour Work Week:”

1. How can leisure have any meaning in the absence of work? Oftentimes I crave a break from work, and when it finally comes, the first week of relaxation is fantastic. The second week is also enjoyable, but after that it gets a bit old and boring; I start to feel antsy and once more want to be engaged in doing something useful. By being industrious, when you actually get a break, it feels fantastic. You can’t have the sweet without the bitter.

2. Who will do the work when everyone wants to live the “Four Hour Work Week?” The idea of avoiding work just isn’t tenable. Sure, right now it’s possible to outsource work to some worker in India, but what happens when that guy in India wants to outsource his work so he can “lifestyle design?” Perhaps he will outsource his work to someone in Vietnam. But what happens when that person in Vietnam reaches a level of prosperity that allows him to live the dream? And meanwhile here at home, who will be our teachers, doctors, and lawyers? Who will fly the plane when we want to go gallivanting around the world? Oh yes, those poor souls who never bought the book.

The whole idea of shifting all your work to someone else is elitist and undemocratic. The implication is that the only people who will work are those who are not clever enough to have escaped from it. Why is work beneath you, but okay for other people?

3. Hard, and sometimes unpleasant work refines your character. If you outsource every unpleasant job to someone else, how will you develop the virtues of persistence, endurance, and self-discipline? Every arduous task that you complete strengthens your ability to deal with hardships in the future. If someone close to you dies, you won’t be able to outsource your grieving, and if you become sick, you can’t outsource the will to get better. If you have spent your life avoiding hard work, will you have the mental and emotional strength to deal with a crisis you can’t pawn off on someone else?

4. Work encourages personal responsibility. When you choose to do things yourself, you take ownership of the task at hand and thus the results of that effort. If you outsource your work to someone else, you may avoid having to take the blame if something goes wrong, but you also rob yourself of the joy and pride of success when things go well.

5. “The Four Hour Work Week” sets a bad example for your children. What does it teach your kids if they see that every time dad has an unpleasant job to do, he makes someone else do it? Outsourcing your work sends the message to them that every time you are faced with an arduous task, you should give up and let someone else do it for you. If you’re running for class president, why bother coming up with a campaign and making posters? You can just get someone else to do it. Being harassed by a bully? Don’t face him down….just hire someone to kick his ass for you.

The Case for Industriousness

Develops self-respect. Putting in an honest days work lets you look at yourself in the mirror without feeling ashamed. Think back to the last time you wasted an entire day playing video games. Sure, it was fun while you were kicking ass at Halo, but when you finally turned off the machine at 4 AM, how did you feel? If you’re like me, you probably felt like a useless bum. You realize that you spent an entire day doing something that didn’t contribute to making you or the world around you better. You have certain gifts and talents that should be shared with others. But when you waste the gift of time, you show that you are content to dwell in selfish mediocrity. Fulfill your true potential and make every hour of your existence count.

Do not live useless and die contemptible. ~ John Witherspoon

Fights Depression. Idleness may not be the devil’s playground, but it is quite possibly depression’s romper room. Have you ever known a man who was unemployed for a long period of time? Chances are he sank into a depressed funk. Men are wired to want to feel useful, to make and provide things for others. Deprived of work, men often feel lost because it robs of them of a sense of identity and purpose. Work provides a reason to get up each day and a sense of accomplishment.

The last time I went camping, I took a hike along a beautiful stream. I noticed that the parts of the stream where the water moved the fastest ran pure and clean. The parts of the stream where the current slowed and stalled were stagnant and cloudy. It is the same with life; to keep ourselves happy and motivated, we must always keep moving. Otherwise we will languish and become depressed.

More time for family and civic engagement. I have a friend at law school who has three kids. He’s always working and makes use of every minute he’s at school. I asked him once how he does it and he told me, “Every minute I waste here at school is one minute less that I’ll have time to spend with my kids when I get home.” By getting his work done at school, my friend is able to focus himself completely on his family when he gets home.

In addition to having more time for family, by being industrious you’ll have time to devote to your community. Developing the virtue of industriousness not only frees more time for civic involvement, but it also helps develop the work ethic needed to contribute to the public welfare. Community projects don’t get done by a bunch of lazy bums. It requires people who are proactive and on the move.

How to be Industrious

Plan. Before you go to bed, sit down and plan the next day. One reason people flounder around and waste time during the day is because they don’t know what they should be doing. You can avoid this by scheduling your day out. Find a system that works for you. Some people like to schedule every minute of the day, while others just like to have a list of tasks that need to be completed. Some people like online or digital planners, while others like paper based planning systems. Personally, I use a paper based planner that I designed myself using Excel. I like to plan exactly what I’ll be doing at each hour of the day. It helps keep me focused and on task.

It’s amazing how much you can get done if you’re always doing. ~ Thomas Jefferson

Eliminate distractions. While I don’t agree with Tim Ferris’s call to outsource every unpleasant chore in your life, I do like his suggestions on eliminating needless distractions. One suggestion of his that I like in particular is batching your email. Instead of incessantly checking your email hundreds of times throughout the day, pick two times during the day to check and respond to email.

If surfing the web is a major time sucker for you, turn off your Wi-Fi or disconnect your Ethernet cable while you’re working. If you have Firefox, you can block certain websites for a set period of time with Leech Block.

Have a worthy goal. You will always naturally spend your time focused on what your goals are at the time. Think about it. Why do some men spend hours a day playing video games? Their goal is to either beat the game or beat other players. They play nonstop until they accomplish their goal.

Imagine if these men had more lofty goals. Instead of wasting their time trying rack up more kills on a video game, they could be out improving their fitness through exercise or learning a new skill that will help advance their career.

Set worthy goals for yourself. A worthy goal is one that will make you or the world around you better. After you have written your goals down, carry them with you at all times. I have a section on my daily planning pages where I write down my goals each day. You don’t need a planner to do this. Just write your goals down on a 3×5 index card.

Every time you make a decision on how you’re going to spend your time, stop and ask yourself, “Will this action bring me closer to my goal?” If not, don’t do it. This will take some work and discipline in the beginning, but after a while it will become natural. Instead of wasting your precious time in frivolous pursuits, you’ll be focused on the things that will make you more productive and industrious.

Implement the 48/12 rule. Being industrious is good, but if you’re a human being, you’re going to need breaks to avoid a mental breakdown. One way to ensure that you get the breaks your mind and body needs is to implement the 48/12 rule in your life. Under the 48/12 rule, you work nonstop for 48 minutes. All your focus is on the task at hand for those 48 minutes. When the 48 minutes is up, take a break for 12. Surf the web or get up and go for quick stroll outside. As soon as the 12 minutes are up, get back to work. You’ll be surprised how much you can get done in a day by implementing this rule.

Find ways to be industrious, even in leisure. When you have time away from the work that earns you a living, make use of your leisure time by pursuing activities that will make you a better man. True recreation is an activity that leaves you energized and ready to take on the coming week. Instead of spending time sacked out in front of the TV watching the VH1 “I Love the 90s” marathon, find activities during your leisure time that will rejuvenate you.

The idea is to stay busy, but at much more relaxed pace. Remember that the longer you sit around and do nothing, the harder it is to get yourself motivated when you actually have to work. Avoid the rut by staying busy with relaxing, yet constructive recreational activities.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I�d appreciate it.

Subscribe to Art of Manliness by RSS or email to get your FREE guide to being a gentleman in 2008.

• Shift Out of Neutral: 4 Easy Steps To Get Motivated and Get Moving In Life
• Announcing the 30 Days to a Better Man Project
• Becoming a Better Man in 2009
• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• Increase Your Manly Confidence Overnight

This is the fourth in a series of posts about living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin.

Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

If you are to succeed in life, you must develop the virtue of resolution. Resolution is the firm determination to accomplish what you set out to do. Ben included resolution as his fourth virtue, because attaining it would ensure he would work through the other nine.

I’ve seen countless people set out with the best intentions, only to fail because their resolution was weak. But I’ve also seen many others succeed despite the odds because their resolve to achieve consumed them. A supreme example of resolution comes from the Macedonian military leader, Alexander the Great and his siege at Tyre.

Alexander’s Resolution to Conquer Tyre

Alexander the Great, one of the greatest men who ever lived, set out in his early 20’s to conquer the Persian Empire. In his quest to fulfill this seemingly impossible task, he conquered city after city. Among these was the Phoenician city of Tyre which served as a Persian naval base. A win at Tyre was a strategic necessity for Alexander. The problem was that Tyre was practically impregnable. The city sat on an island one mile off the coast Lebanon. Moreover, the city was protected by walls that reached 200 feet high at places and were 150 feet thick.

Conquering such a fortress seemed impossible to everyone but Alexander. Brilliant, confident, and courageous, Alexander never backed down from any challenge. He ordered his men to begin building a bridge or mole to the island so that they could bring the siege towers near the walls of the city. Construction began in January of 332.

The Tyrian navy shot flaming arrows at the work crews. The attacks made construction nearly impossible. Alexander was undeterred. He placed two towers equipped with catapults on the land bridge in order to defend his workers from the attacking ships. The Tyrians countered by filling their ships with a highly flammable substance, setting them afire, and running them into the bridge and towers.

Months of hard work went down in flames. Instead of giving up, Alexander ordered his troops to begin again, this time making the bridge even wider. Progress on the new bridge went according to plan and it steadily inched closer to the island.

While construction on the mole moved ahead, Alexander began planning a naval attack on the city. He summoned ships from his newly conquered territories and began to blockade Tyre’s ports. By utilizing battering rams on his ships, Alexander then started to test the walls of the city for weaknesses. But the Tyrians had placed stone blocks underwater to impede these triremes. This of course did not stop Alexander. He brought in ships with huge cranes to painstakingly lift the boulders out of the way.

On a dawn morning during July 332, Alexander readied his troops and weapons for a well-orchestrated siege. His soldiers attacked from the causeway and shot swarms of arrows. Ships’ rams smashed the walls. Catapults flung stones. A small breach was created on the south side of the island and the troops rushed in. Once the Macedonian army entered the city, they easily overtook the garrison and conquered unconquerable Tyre. It had taken Alexander nine months to accomplish what he set out to do. He never once doubted he would succeed.

Develop your resolution

Becoming a more resolute person will require you to dig deep and find the will to overcome any obstacles in your path to achieve your goal. Nobody can do that for you except you. But here are few suggestions that may help as you seek to become a man of unwavering fortitude.

1. Resolve how you will act when faced with a challenge, before you are faced with it. There are certain moral and ethical questions you assuredly will face during your life. Do not leave these decisions to be made in the heat of a moment. If you do, chances are weakness will take over and you will choose the easier and sometimes wrong choice. Resolve now what things you will and will not do, and you never have to make those decisions again.

2. Be supremely confident. Right before Alexander’s siege of Tyre, Darius the III, King of Persia, offered Alexander a truce, land, and his daughter’s hand in marriage. Alexander refused the offer and instructed Darius to henceforth refer to Alexander as “Lord of Asia,” and not as an equal. He added, “I shall pursue you, wherever you may be.” Never doubt you can accomplish what you set out to do and do not compromise.

3. Write down your goals everyday. By writing down your goals every day, you focus yourself on the task you wish to accomplish. Knowing exactly what you want to accomplish will keep you motivated to maintain your resolve even when times get hard.

4. Change your strategy. People often lose their resolve because they don’t have success. But oftentimes failure doesn’t come because the task is impossible, but because the wrong strategy is being used. Albert Einstein famously said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If you see something in your life isn’t working, change it up. You must be flexible in your quest to succeed. That’s what Alexander did. He started with the idea of the mole, but when that alone didn’t work, he added catapults and naval ships.

5. Reward yourself. If the task you set out to accomplish is great, break it down into smaller steps and reward yourself after you accomplish each one. Alexander’s men were famously and supremely loyal to him. He bred this loyalty and kept his men’s resolution strong by recognizing and rewarding them individually for the brave deeds in battle. Apply this same principle in your own life. After you fulfill one step, go out and treat yourself to something. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Buying your favorite magazine or a meal at your favorite burger joint rewards yourself for a job well done and will keep you motivated to push on.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it.

Subscribe to Art of Manliness by RSS or email to get your FREE guide to being a gentleman in 2008.

• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• Manvotional: Difficulties
• Becoming a Better Man in 2009
• Lessons In Manliness: Benjamin Franklin’s Pursuit of the Virtuous Life
• Announcing the 30 Days to a Better Man Project

This is the third in a series of posts about living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin.

Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

Franklin chose Order as his third virtue because it “would allow [him] more time for attending to [his] projects and [his] studies.” Franklin understood that if he wanted to get important things done in his life, he had to make sure the little things wouldn’t get in the way.

Almost three centuries have passed since old Ben set out to perfectly live the virtue of Order. The lives of Americans today are far busier and distraction-filled than Ben could ever have imagined. People strive to order their lives so that they can have peace and tranquility. An entire industry has sprung up around helping them to do that. Books, blogs, magazines, and consultants offer advice on how you can clean up your clutter. Yet despite the information out there, people still have trouble living up to this virtue. Why?

Why it’s so hard to make your bed everyday

It’s a common story. A man wakes up and realizes his life is a complete mess. His bed is never made, papers and magazines are stacked all over the place, and dirty clothes lie on the floor.

So, this man decides he’s going to put his life in order. He resolves to make his bed every morning, buys an inbox for all his papers, and makes it a goal to put his clothes in the hamper. Things go swimmingly for about a week, but he soon falls off the wagon. His house begins to look just as messy as it was before he began his new regimen.

It almost seems as if making your bed everyday and keeping your life in order is futile. In a sense it is. Every time you try to organize, you’re battling a natural force that drives the entire universe: entropy.

In order to understand what we’re up against, it’s necessary to understand a bit of thermodynamics. I think this scientific approach to understanding order would be appreciated by Franklin.

(This is a very cursory explanation, so please all you scientists out there, don’t tell me that I failed to mention something. I know I did.)

The first law of thermodynamics tells us there is a fixed amount of energy in the universe. Energy can be changed from one form to another, but never created or destroyed.

Although energy cannot be destroyed, it is of little use to anyone if it cannot make things happen. Unfortunately, the second law of thermodynamics tells us all energy changes decrease the amount of useful energy in the universe.

Consider a box of small magnets. If the small magnets are lined up in the same direction, as a group they can attract other metal objects. If they are not lined up in the same direction, individual magnets cancel each other’s effect and cannot do useful work. The same is true of energy – it is useful when it is ordered, but when it is disordered, its effects cancel each other out.

Entropy is a measure of the lack of order in the energy.

In other words, entropy is a measure of randomness or “disorganization.” And unfortunately, when left to itself every system tends to a low energy, high entropy existence. Everything moves to the path of least resistance. This includes the entire universe. Since its creation, the energy of the universe has become more disorganized and will continue to do so until there is no order left at all.

Now you can better understand why keeping your life organized is such a challenge. Have you ever dropped something on the floor and thought to pick it up, but felt an almost tangible force pulling at you not to do so? This is the pull of entropy.

Become a Master of the Universe

By understanding the laws of thermodynamics you can harness them for your benefit and become a master of the universe.

Some might throw in the towel to putting their lives in order knowing that the universe will eventually disintegrate into complete randomness. But before you give up, consider that there are two possible ways to overcome entropy. The first is chance, but an ordered arrangement appearing by chance is practically impossible (have you ever woken up to a magically clean room?).

The other possible way to overcome entropy is to increase the order in the system. The problem with this solution is that as a person tries to order the system, he is doing work – and so the system’s entropy decrease would be balanced by a hefty increase in that person’s entropy. Thus entropy would increase on the whole.

Herein lies the answer to why most people’s organizational regimens never stick. Hundreds of books and blogs exist that will tell you how to beat clutter and get you life in order. Many suggest setting up an elaborate system in order to keep you on track. These systems can do a wonderful job reducing the entropy in your personal organization, but you have to expend a large amount of energy setting them up and maintaining them. Thus, while you decrease the amount of entropy in one area of your life, you increase it within yourself. This is why a lot people have such a hard time sticking with complex organization systems. The total amount of entropy and disorganization actually increases and the person throws in the towel.

Fortunately there is a small loophole. Let’s return to the example of the magnets:

Imagine you must move them to a different box in order to use them. As you are moving them, you may put some into the new box the wrong way round – the useful energy will then have decreased. Of course, the slower and more carefully you make the exchange, the fewer mistakes you will make. The same is true of energy – the entropy in the system always increases, unless the rate of change is infinitesimally small.

Thus, to avoid the energy imbalance caused by trying to organize your life using an elaborate system, you must employ the smallest changes possible. That way you don’t increase the amount of entropy in other areas of your life.

The secret of mastering the universe

But can such small changes truly make a difference? Yes they can.

The secret to bringing order to your life and overcoming entropy while only minimally increasing it in other areas of your life is simple: DO IT NOW. No system, no in-boxes, no index cards. Just do it now. After you get out of bed, turn around and make it. After you receive a piece of mail, take action on it immediately. As soon as you’re done eating, wipe down the kitchen. If you drop a sock on the floor, pick it up without hesitation. It’s not as easy as it sounds because whenever a bit of disorder appears in your life, you will feel entropy pulling you to ignore it. You must train yourself to repeat the mantra “do it now!” and push through this force.

If you find that you can’t do something now, write it down in a simple notebook. There’s no need to develop an elaborate capturing and filing system. Just write it down so you don’t forget.

But what about tasks that require multiple steps, ones you can’t take action on immediately? You will get to them eventually. They’re big; you won’t forget to do them, and you don’t need a system to get them done. Meanwhile, by creating an organized home, car, and workplace, you create an environment out of which the bigger tasks will flow far more easily.

Long before the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and “Getting Things Done,” men like Theodore Roosevelt accomplished amazing things without an elaborate system. You don’t need to set up some crazy regimen either. All you need to know to become a Master of the Universe are three little words: do it now, dammit. Okay four words.

Source:

http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/~sbleas/creative/entropy/

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I�d appreciate it.

Subscribe to Art of Manliness by RSS or email to get your FREE guide to being a gentleman in 2008.

• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• Lessons In Manliness: Benjamin Franklin’s Pursuit of the Virtuous Life
• The Virtuous Life: Moderation
• The Virtuous Life: Silence
• Becoming a Better Man in 2009

Photo by Millie Motts

This is the second in a series of posts about living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin.

Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; Avoid trifling Conversation.

Clearly, Ben was not referring to monastic solitude when he presented silence as a virtue. Instead, he had in mind the ability of knowing the appropriate time and words to speak. A gentlemen has always been judged by his manner of speech, yet our modern age presents a host of difficulties in this area that Franklin never faced.

Whether because of selfishness or simple ignorance, many men are drowning as they attempt to navigate the waters of proper communication. Here are four areas in life where men can apply the virtue of silence and make the world a bit more enjoyable for everyone.

The Cell Phone

Applying the virtue of silence with your cell phone

Much of our conversations now take place over the ever ubiquitous cell phone. Just as World War I was especially bloody because the technology in artillery had progressed faster than the development of new military tactics, so too cell phone usage is an unmannered minefield because cell phone etiquette has not kept pace with growth. But cell phone etiquette is an excellent way to show you are a well-mannered gent. Here are some rules to obey:

1. Don’t talk on your cell phone when you have a captive audience.

Remember in high school when you and your friends drove around yelling and laughing and blasting your music? You thought you were the coolest people to ever exist. Then when you reached your 20’s, you saw those same high schoolers and thought “what a bunch of jackasses.” Things always seem far more acceptable when you are the one doing it. This must be why people have loud and obnoxious conversations despite the fact that other people are trapped in proximity to them. Just remember when you are tempted to do this: you’ve seen that guy; don’t be that guy.

2. Don’t talk or answer your cell phone while talking to ANYONE in person.

Don’t answer your phone while holding a conversation with an actual human being. There are no exceptions to this rule. Think about it: if you were at a party conversing with a friend, and someone else walked up, would you immediately cut off the conversation with the first friend and abruptly turn your attention to the new person? Well maybe you would, but you’re probably a tool.

3. Don’t use your phone in any place in which people expect a certain atmosphere.

There are certain situations in which people expect a respectful quiet to prevail. A cell phone should not burst this bubble of ambience. Thus, you should never use your cell phone at funerals, weddings, classes, church services, movies, plays, museums, ect. By even allowing your cell phone to ring, never mind speaking into it, you announce to the world that your conversation is more important that the ruminations of everyone else in the room. It is the height of arrogance. People will protest that their calls are very important. To which I say, what did people do in the 90’s?? For that matter, what did people do for almost the entirety of human existence? Somehow our ancestors kept on living. You will too.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. ~ Mark Twain

Customer Service

Today men are often pressed for time, stressed, and subject to daily annoyances. These frustrations are then frequently taken out on those in the service industry. Often made to feel like peons in their normal lives, these men see their interactions with people in the service industry as an opportunity to finally be treated like a king and boss someone around.

Applying the virtue of silence with customer service

1. Don’t unload your anger on those who are not at fault for your problem.

Uncouth is the man who takes out his frustrations on whoever is in closest proximity whether it is their fault or not. This guy will yell at the waiter if there is a hair in is food. He will yell at the computer support representative because his computer crashed. He will yell at the person at the airline ticket counter because he was late and the plane didn’t wait for him. Save your indignation for the the real cause of your problem, especially if that person is you.

2. Don’t talk on your cell phone while simultaneously talking to someone serving you.

Some people will talk on their cell phone while they place their order and pay for it. These people believe that the person running the register is just an automaton designed to do their bidding, and thus they need only devote � of their attention to addressing this robot. They also believe the person they are talking to on the phone doesn’t mind being ignored periodically. They are wrong on both counts.

3. Have a little patience

In Italy, people linger over their dinner for hours as several courses are slowly brought out. In America, men blow their top when their blooming onion appetizer comes out 5 minutes too late. And they act like their grandma died if their burger has been topped with the wrong cheese. These men believe that paying $8.00 for a meal entitles them to be king for a day. They are in serious need of some perspective.

4. Err on the side of understanding

Before you berate someone for what you believe is sub par service, take a moment to put yourself in their shoes. Is your waiter slow in bringing out your order? His section probably just got slammed, some kid knocked over his soda on the floor, and one of the cooks called in sick. He may well be doing the best he can. We never fully know what happens behind the scenes of people’s lives. The cranky woman making your coffee was just served with divorce papers. The scatter brained woman checking out your groceries is having trouble concentrating because her child is sick in the hospital. You never know the whole story. So cut these people some slack.

Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.

The Internet

The beauty of the internet is that it allows free flowing communication in an unprecedented way. Yet this also means that communication on the internet is not subject to the same rules of etiquette that apply to public life. Extreme crassness and incivility plague forums and blogs. It’s as if there is a competition on who can come up with the most shocking and caustic thing to say. This severe form of incivility creates an environment of hostility that hinders productive dialogue and debate.

Applying the virtue of silence on the internet

1. Never say something to a stranger on the internet that you would not say to a stranger in person.

The internet provides a cloak of anonymity behind which people feel free to say whatever they want. Yet the words which we both write and speak are our creations. We must take ownership for them. Never write something you would not be proud to have attached with your real name. Before you hit “Send” in an email or a blog comment, stop and ask yourself: “Would I use these words if this person was standing right in front of me?” If not, reword your communication. Just taking the time to think before you publish something on the web can help increase the amount of civility on the net.

2. Don’t attack people personally

Certainly here at AoM, and on the internet in general, you are free to disagree with the ideas of others. But do not personally attack the people behind those ideas. Many a blog user will make a valid comment only to end with “You’re an idiot!” And some will dispense with the valid argument part altogether. Using personal attacks adds nothing to the conversation and only shows that you do not have anything insightful or intelligent to offer.

3. Don’t just debunk things

Here on the internet postmodern deconstruction is alive and well. Many an internet user’s energy is devoted to poking holes in every idea that crosses their path. But cynicism is easy. Chronic debunkers don’t do any of the hard work it takes to create something, and then they barely lift a finger to tear things down. Digg users are notorious for this. There could be a post about a man saving a bus load of lavender smelling babies from a river and some digg user would find a way to make a snide, caustic comment about it. There’s nothing wrong with criticism, but be constructive with your criticism. If you have nothing substantive to add to the conversation, it is better to be silent.

4. Stop the excessive vulgarity

Nothing shows a juvenile mentality and a lack of class like excessive vulgarity. While salty language has been on the rise in normal conversation as well, the proliferation of profanity on the internet is excessive. Because of the information glut on the internet, men feel they must pepper their comments with over the top language to keep them from being lost in the shuffle. But if such additions are needed to get attention, you clearly did not have anything meaningful to say in the first place. Before you publish a comment with the F-bomb used as every other word, try to find another, more respectful way to say it.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I�d appreciate it.

Subscribe to Art of Manliness by RSS or email to get your FREE guide to being a gentleman in 2008.

• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• Make Yourself Stick With These First Impression Tips
• Lessons In Manliness: Benjamin Franklin’s Pursuit of the Virtuous Life
• Ask Wayne: Man Apologizes to Wife In Text Message; Wife Responds With Snark
• How to Leave the Perfect Voicemail

This is the first in a series of posts about living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin.

Is there a less sexy idea today than temperance? Yet when Benjamin Franklin began his pursuit of the virtuous life, it was this virtue he chose to concentrate on first. The way in which Ben ordered his 13 virtues was deliberate. He selected temperance to kick off his self-improvement program because:

…it tends to procure that coolness and clearness of head, which is so necessary where constant vigilance was to be kept up, and guard maintained against the unremitting attraction of ancient habits, and the force of perpetual temptations.

In other words, first attaining self-discipline in the area of food and drink would make adherence to all of the other virtues easier.

Why is this? Hunger and thirst are some of the most primal of urges, and thus are some of the hardest to control. Therefore, when seeking to gain self-discipline, one must start with the most basic appetites and work up from there. A man must first harness his inward urges, before tackling the more external virtues. A clear mind and a healthy body are prerequisites to the pursuit of the virtuous life.

Eat Not to Dullness

The glutton is much more than an animal and much less than a man. ~ Honore de Balzac

Have you ever noticed that the first few bites of a delicious food are the best? After chowing down on something for awhile, the vibrant tastes become significantly dulled.

Today many people shovel food into their mouths so fast that their palate never has a chance to register this transition. Yet the shift is one of the ways your stomach tries to tell you that it is full and to stop eating. Unfortunately, people ignore this signal and continue to eat far past it. The consequence is not only a far less enjoyable eating experience, but an ever expanding gut.

Many people have noticed the paradox that gourmet cooks who spend their whole day around food are often in good shape. But it is really no mystery at all. These chefs eat only the best, most delicious foods, and when they dine, they really savor each bite.

There are a million diet books out there, but the only thing a person needs to know to maintain a decent waistline is this: eat when hungry, stop when full. Don’t eat in front of the TV or on the go. Sit down for a proper meal. Savor each mouthful, and think about the flavors you are experiencing. Put your fork down in between bites. When the flavors become less vibrant, and your stomach starts to feel full, stop eating.

Drink Not to Elevation

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony. ~ Robert Benchley

Many a manly man in history has enjoyed a drink or two. Yet somewhere along the way men began to think it was manly to guzzle their spirits through a funnel attached to their mouth. Yet there are truly few things less virtuous than getting tanked and passing out.

Does this guy look manly? No. He looks like a douchebag.

Men should not seek to numb themselves in the pursuit of a good time. For surely there is something to be said about being fully present in every moment. At the heart of manliness is the belief in personal responsibility. But excess drinking and personal responsibility are at odds. When drunk, a person cannot be said to be 100% in control of their choices. So if something goes wrong, they often blame the alcohol. A true man is in control of himself in every situation

Men should also seek to rid themselves of any kind of dependencies. Alcohol can cause several, the most obvious one being outright alcoholism. But frequent boozing can also make a man dependent on liquor for confidence and for a good time. It becomes a crutch. True men will be confident enough to not need liquid courage and dynamic enough to create their own good time through their personality and charm.

Temperance in the life of Robert E. Lee

I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it. ~ Robert E. Lee

The Robert E. Lee, general of the Confederate army during the American Civil War, lived the virtue of temperance. Lee was a masterful military tactician. He graduated second in his class at West Point and received no demerits while there. He led a rag tag Confederate army in outmatched battles against the Union and won several of them.

Part of Lee’s success as a military leader can be attributed to the clear thinking that came with abstaining from alcohol. Speaking to man about the need to avoid alcohol, Lee said:

Did it ever occur to you that when you reach middle life, you may need a stimulant, and if you have accustomed yourself to taking stimulants in your early life it will require so much more to have the desired effect at a time when you may need it? How much better it would be if the young man would leave intoxicants in his student days.

Conclusion

Men often try to numb themselves with food and alcohol to avoid dealing with their real problems. But manning up involves facing one’s issues head on. Gaining the self-discipline to moderate your intake of food and alcohol will give you the confidence to start making other improvements in your life.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I�d appreciate it.

Subscribe to Art of Manliness by RSS or email to get your FREE guide to being a gentleman in 2008.

• Lessons In Manliness: Benjamin Franklin’s Pursuit of the Virtuous Life
• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• Best of Art of Manliness, March 2008
• Your Grandpa’s Diet Plan
• The Virtuous Life: Frugality

When most people today hear the word “virtue,” they usually don’t think “manliness.” Having virtue or being virtuous is looked at as being sissy or effeminate. In fact, we sometimes use the word in today’s vernacular to describe a woman’s sexual conduct.

However, virtue is far from being sissy or effeminate. The word “virtue” is actually rooted in “manliness.” “Virtue” comes from the Latin virtus, which in turn is derived from vir, Latin for “manliness.” Cicero, a famous Roman statesman and writer, enumerated the cardinal virtues that every man should try to live up to. They included justice, prudence, courage, and temperance. In order to have honor, a Roman man had to live each of the four virtues. When Aristotle encouraged men in the ancient world to live “the virtuous life,” it was really a call to man up.

One man took up Aristotle’s challenge to live the virtuous or manly life with particular fervor: Benjamin Franklin.

Franklin’s Quest for Moral Perfection

Benjamin Franklin is an American legend. He single handily invented the idea of the “self-made man.” Despite being born into a poor family and only receiving two years of formal schooling, Franklin became a successful printer, scientist, musician, and author. Oh, and in his spare time he helped found a country, and then serve as its diplomat.

The key to Franklin’s success was his drive to constantly improve himself and accomplish his ambitions. In 1726, at the age of 20, Ben Franklin set his loftiest goal: the attainment of moral perfection.

I conceiv’d the bold and arduous project of arriving at moral perfection. I wish’d to live without committing any fault at any time; I would conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into.

In order to accomplish his goal, Franklin developed and committed himself to a personal improvement program that consisted of living 13 virtues. The 13 virtues were:

1. “TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.”
2. “SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.”
3. “ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.”
4. “RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.”
5. “FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.”
6. “INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.”
7. “SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.”
8. “JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.”
9. “MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.”
10. “CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.”
11. “TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.”
12. “CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.”
13. “HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.”

In order to keep track of his adherence to these virtues, Franklin carried around a small book of 13 charts. The charts consisted of a column for each day of the week and 13 rows marked with the first letter of his 13 virtues. Franklin evaluated himself at the end of each day. He placed a dot next to each virtue each had violated. The goal was to minimize the number of marks, thus indicating a “clean” life free of vice.

Franklin would especially focus on one virtue each week by placing that virtue at the top that week’s chart and including a “short precept” to explain its meaning. Thus, after 13 weeks he had moved through all 13 virtues and would then start the process over again.

When Franklin first started out on his program he found himself putting marks in the book more than he wanted to. But as time went by, he saw the marks diminish.

While Franklin never accomplished his goal of moral perfection, and had some notable flaws (womanizing and his love of beer probably gave him problems with chastity and temperance), he felt he benefited from the attempt at it.

Tho’ I never arrived at the perfection I had been so ambitious of obtaining, but fell far short of it, yet I was, by the endeavour, a better and a happier man than I otherwise should have been if I had not attempted it.

Applying Franklin’s pursuit of “the virtuous life” in your life

Here are The Art of Manliness we want to resurrect the idea that being many means being virtuous. We think old Ben Franklin can show us a thing or two on how best to live a virtuous (or manly) life.

In order to help you live the virtuous life, starting next Monday and continuing each week, we’re going to highlight one of Ben’s virtues that you can focus on throughout the week. We’ll find a great man from history that exemplified that virtue and extract practical lessons from them that can help us live that virtue more fully. When we get done with Franklin’s virtues, we’ll add some more.

Until then, why not get started on living the virtuous life by downloading this nifty replica of Franklin’s virtue chart from DIY Planner? See if you can go a whole day without having to give yourself a mark for not living the virtues. If you want to carry around a little book like Franklin did, get your hands on a pocket Moleskine and paste the chart from DIY planner in there. Carry it around just as Franklin did, as a constant reminder at your quest to live a virtuous life.

Sources

• Flamebright
  
• DIY Planner
• Wikipedia

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I�d appreciate it.

Subscribe to Art of Manliness by RSS or email to get your FREE guide to being a gentleman in 2008.

• The Virtuous Life: Wrap Up
• Becoming a Better Man in 2009
• The Virtuous Life: Temperance
• Best of Art of Manliness, March 2008
• The Virtuous Life: Chastity