Image from Discordiacorner

While much in the way of traditional gender roles has shifted in modern times, most women I know still want a man who can be the rock in the relationship. But just what does being the rock entail? I asked this question in the Community, and this is what a few of the men had to say:

Jamie said: “To me, that means being mature, guided by reason and my family’s best interest, rather than being given to emotional upsets. My wife wants to know that if she gives me her cares and concerns, she can rest assured that I’ll take care of them responsibly.”

Jeffre said: “To me, being the rock means I need to be the calm when life starts getting stormy. Not that I can control the events that happen in life, but I can control how our family responds to the events. . . Does it mean I’m always “the rock?” No, there are times when I have had to lean on my wife for support, but as a general rule my job is to be there for her and the kids. If there is a crisis and I’m not doing well, I have to put aside my fear and anxieties to step up for them. You feel like you want to crawl into a hole and disappear, but you can’t because others depend on you. Those are the times of real testing. When those times arrive I think of a quote I read somewhere (I don’t know who originally said it) but here it is: “Ask not for a lighter burden, but ask for broader shoulders.”

Robert said: “My dad was always the “rock” in the family. He’s the go to guy. The person you can always rely on. The person that you know will be strong when everyone else isn’t…Being the “rock” means always doing what you say you will do. Being calm when the situation seems to be chaotic and panic the order of the day. My dad is the rock because he is reason when emotion prevails, compassion when hearts are hardened, and humorous when you least expect it.”

What else does it mean to be the rock? Let’s take a look.

Be a haven of safety. Sometimes a woman wants to cry on your shoulder. When she does, you don’t look at her strangely and say, “Geez, what’s the matter with you?” You don’t tell her you’ll cuddle after you’re done with that level on the video game. You’re immediately available to hold her and comfort her. You should be a bastion of calmness, strength, and understanding. When she’s in your arms, she should feel totally safe, like nothing in the world can harm or hurt her. Let your woman know that letting out her feelings is okay and give her your undivided attention. The same goes for your kids; when they’re hurt and they need you, you’re immediately available.

Unravel the problem. Oftentimes a woman feels overwhelmed because of a problem she’s having. Her feelings are knotted up in a great ball. Your job is to slowly take the problem apart. Don’t give an off the cuff solution at first. Instead, ask her questions about exactly why she’s feeling down or overwhelmed. Be interested and attentive to what she has to say. She really wants someone to talk through the problem with and vent to. Ask follow-up questions and have her explain her concerns.

Formulate a plan….or not.It’s become a popular cliché to say that when a woman vents her problems to you, you shouldn’t offer a solution. And sometimes that assumption is correct, but certainly not always.

It’s true that you shouldn’t offer a solution right off the bat; as I mentioned, you want to unravel the problem first and allow your wife or girlfriend to talk through everything that is bothering her. At that point you should ask her directly, “Is this is a problem that you want help solving? Or do you just want to vent?”

If it’s the former, then here is where you as a man can really shine. Come up with a specific action plan to help your wife tackle the problem. When appropriate, put her mind at ease and take on some of the responsibility for making things right. For example, let’s say your girlfriend comes to you in tears because she has a big research paper due but a hundred other things she needs to take care of as well. You would say, “Okay, here’s what we’ll do. I’ll take your dog to the vet, take those packages to the post office, and change your oil. All you need to worry about it working on that paper. You focus on that; I’ll take care of the rest.”

When your wife is suffering some kind of ailment, research all about it online and come up with some remedies she can try. If she’s having trouble making a decision, sit with her and come up with a pro and con chart.

Never say: “Don’t worry about it.” She’s already worried about it, and so to her it is something worth worrying about. Telling her not to worry only dismisses her feelings as invalid and thus is prone to make her angry. Instead, always say, “I’ll take care of it.”

Delay your grief. When something tragic happens that affects your family, be a pillar of strength during the crisis. Take care of the business that needs taking care of. If your wife or girlfriend doesn’t feel like getting out of bed and cooking or cleaning or talking to people and returning phone calls, you do it for her.

Now, I know that some are going to say that keeping your feelings in is unhealthy. But the idea is not to suppress them indefinitely. Instead, you follow the ancient code of manhood: women and children first. You let them do their grieving during the initial shock of things. Then, when they’re feeling better, it is your turn to grieve.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t grieve initially too. You should take time to be by yourself and vent to other family members and friends. And it’s good to grieve and cry with your partner sometimes as well. She wants to know that the loss has affected you too. But in situations where she needs you to be strong, then you man up and face the world while she heals.

Express your emotions in a mature and healthy way. Being the rock doesn’t mean being stoic and suppressing your emotions. Keeping your feelings bottled up might seem to make you more of ”the rock,” but instead of adding stability to a relationship, it will create subtle cracks that will eventually open into real rifts.

A woman has many fears about having a relationship with a man. Will he be abusive? Will he be faithful? Will he provide for the family? Will he regress into a boy-man who spurns responsibility? Instead of placating these fears, keeping your feelings from your wife or girlfriend will only exacerbate them. So being the rock really means expressing your emotions and concerns in a healthy and mature way. Doing so will actually solidfy and strengthen your relationship.

This is especially important to remember when you and your partner are dealing with problems in the relationship. At such times it’s tempting to shut down and engage in  stonewalling (not the right kind of rock to be). But an argument is the most vulnerable time in a relationship, and therefore it’s the best time to show her that she has nothing to fear from you. You can take whatever she throws out you without losing control or threatening to leave her. You can let her know your feelings like a man, not a boy.

Take care of business. Being the rock is not just something we should do when a woman is venting to us; you should be working to solidfy your partner’s confidence in you each and every day. I often find it much easier to rise to the occasion when a big crisis hits then when following through on the mundane, everyday tasks that my wife expects of me. But a woman wants to know she can count on you in the big things and the small things. It’s by doing the small things that she knows she can trust you when the big things come around.

Taking care of business means doing all the things that help inspire confidence in your partner. Being ambitious at work, keeping a budget, staying on top of appointments and “honey-do’s,” staying physically healthy, and so on. It means being absolutely reliable; if you say you will do it, you do it. You can always be counted on to follow-through.

I’d like to end with another comment from Robert, who summed things up perfectly:

“In ancient societies men were the watchmen to protect their families from being eaten, taken by competing tribes, and other dangers. They provided a realm of safety where their family could let down their guard knowing that the man would not let his down and they would be safe. Being the rock means being the protector, the watchman, the provider. Today our loved ones rely on us to provide a safe realm where they can allow themselves to let their guard down emotionally and physically. They know they can break down emotionally and we’ll still be there standing strong. They know we will get up in the middle of the night with a baseball bat and check that noise they heard downstairs. They know that you will not belittle them like their peers at school, work, church, etc. Being the rock means providing a place where they can find love, understanding, emotional safety, physical safety, and acceptance. Be the man. Be the rock.”

• How Do You Know When She’s the One?
• 8 Tools That Will Change Your Life: The Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Book Giveaway
• Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage
• Ask Wayne: Man Wants to Be Friends with Her After the Breakup
• Ask Wayne: Man Fears Wife Will Leave Him

Source: Life

Editor’s note: This is a guest post by A.J Rippo. Mr. Rippo is the author of Retribing. For a chance to win his book, see the details below.

Accomplished men are often heard attributing their success in part to the impact of mentors on their lives, and much has been written about the many benefits this special class of teacher can bestow. But the quest to find good mentors can be daunting, disheartening, and even dangerous. Here are four commonly encountered barriers to finding good mentors and suggestions for avoiding or overcoming them.

Lack of Motivation

No one finishes a marathon without a great deal of motivation, and unless you’re very lucky, the same holds true for finding mentors. Would you like to achieve success in your career faster? A professional mentor will help you. Are you interested in exploring the great mysteries of the universe and your purpose within it? A spiritual mentor will assist you. Do you want to sharpen and expand your mind beyond your academic education? An intellectual mentor will challenge you. Could you use some guidance in making big life decisions? An older mentor will offer valuable insight and help you to avoid costly and embarrassing mistakes. In order to squeeze the most out of your life, you will need to have mentors; to find them, you will need to stay motivated.

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

Perhaps we are most vulnerable when we seek to fulfill a need, and the younger we are, the easier prey we make for predators. There are three rules that everyone, especially children, should follow when recruiting mentors:

Before you seriously consider someone as a potential mentor, get the opinion of someone you trust. If you are a teenager or pre-teen, get permission from your parents, grandparents, aunts, or uncles. Although they are in the minority, some predators hold jobs as teachers, police officers, clergymen, and coaches. Do not seek out strangers in person or on the Internet.

Do not trust a mentor who asks you to keep secrets. Anyone who encourages you to keep secrets, especially regarding their mentorship, should not be trusted. Run away as fast as you can. (This does not apply to a mentor’s request that you respect his privacy if he shares personal stories to make a point, etc.)

Avoid gangs. Not having a mentor at all is better than having a bad one. While gang affiliation may seem to provide some of the many benefits of mentorship, it is ultimately a dead end at best.

The Horse That Doesn’t Drink

Listening is a skill, and its practice will improve all of your relationships. The more skilled you are at listening, the more you will hear. The more you hear, the more of your mentors’ wisdom you will have available to apply to your life. But, what if you don’t like what you hear?

To reap the benefits of being mentored, you must be ready to handle criticism and disapproval. A mentor’s job is not merely to offer praise for worthy efforts and achievements, but also to point out weaknesses and failures, and to offer insight on how to surmount them. If you have recruited good mentors, pay special attention to their criticisms and disapprovals as these often offer the best opportunities for personal growth. Good mentors challenge you to stretch from and leave your comfort zone. Remember the old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Don’t be the horse that doesn’t drink!

Rejection

Dealing gracefully with rejection is a skill that every man needs to develop as it’s a natural part of a full, healthy life. We face rejection when we apply for jobs, when we ask women for dates, and also when we seek mentorship. Learning from these experiences helps us refine how we present ourselves during future opportunities and increases our chances for eventual success.

Like potential employers and dates, mentors differ greatly from one to another. Volunteers of organizations such as Big Brothers usually welcome direct requests for mentorship while busy professionals often run the other way. Tailor your approach for each prospective mentor. When seeking a businessman who keeps a busy schedule, consider whether you share any common interests such as a sport or charity organization; building a friendship in this context may lead to a better result. When you’re turned down, get over your reasonable disappointment and treat rejection as an opportunity for improvement.

The Retribing Giveaway

Want to learn more about overcoming these and other barriers to mentorship? Read RETRIBING: The Unpaved Road to Manhood, by A. J. Rippo, an inspiring tale of an ordinary boy stranded on the path to becoming a man.

Retribing is a story about a boy who wants to be a man but has no male role-models at home. In the hills near his school, he encounters a mysterious warrior chief (real or imagined) who shows him the way. The warrior chief’s feathers represent the fundamental building-block virtues of manhood (perseverance, responsibility, boldness, physical prowess, perspective, independence, etc.). The book is perfect for males of any age, and for the mothers, fathers, and mentors who raise them to be men.

To enter to win a copy of Retribing by A.J Rippo leave a comment about:

• A barrier you’ve encountered in finding a mentor, or
• A barrier you’ve encountered in learning from a mentor, or
• What has worked for you in successfully finding and learning from a mentor

Contest ends Sunday, August 30, 2009 at 11PM CST.

As usual, I’ll randomly pick two people from the entries.

• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 3: Find a Mentor
• Every Man Needs a Man Mentor
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Source: Life

“I’m sorry.” Two simple words and yet two of the hardest to say. We easily utter them in response to trivial matters like accidentally jostling a stranger on the subway or giving the cashier the wrong change. Yet in important matters and to those who mean the most to us, we can find ourselves practically choking on the words. But the inability to apologize can critically wound all of our relationships, from home to work. Learning how to properly apologize is a necessary step in moving from boy to man.

Why We Don’t Apologize

Pride. Apologizing can be particularly hard for men because it involves the admittance of fault. It’s hard to say that we messed up. That we were wrong. Our pride gets in the way.

Embarrassment. If we messed up royally, doing something truly boneheaded even though we knew better, it can be difficult to talk about it to the person we hurt or let down. We feel stupid and would rather pretend like it didn’t happen.

Anger. Things that need apologizing for are rarely a one way street (more on this later). We probably did something wrong, but the other person probably did too. And sometimes our anger over how they offended us is so great that we justify what we did and can’t get past it to apologize.

The antidote to all 3 obstacles? Humility. The reason we put up these walls is that we have an overinflated view of our true selves. We’re always right; we always have it together. But it ain’t true. We’re human. We mess up sometimes. You have to accept your imperfection as a part of life. Suppressing it will cut you off from others. Embracing it will allow you to grow as a man.

When to Apologize

Even when it’s not fully your fault. There is a breed of man who will not apologize unless he feels 100% at fault for something. “But it’s not my fault!” is his battle cry. He’s not at fault for throwing away an important document at work because no one specifically told him to hold onto it. He’s not at fault for hurting his girlfriend’s feelings because she shouldn’t have been listening to his conversation with his friends.

But almost no situation is 100% one person’s fault. If your wife flew off the handle and called you some cutting things for seemingly no reason, it’s not because she’s just an ice princess; she’s hurt because you’ve been working 80 hour weeks and not spending enough time with her.

Even if the fault split is something like 1%/99%, you still need to work hard to humble yourself and come to an understanding of what that 1% is rooted in. Don’t live your life as though every day you’re pleading your case before an imaginary court, presenting evidence for why you are not at fault and are innocent as charged. It’s not as important to be right as it is to have healthy relationships with others. Would you rather be right than give up your relationship with someone? Would you rather be right than lift the hurt feelings from another? Being self-satisfied in your justice offers little benefit but the feeling of smugness. And smugness won’t keep you warm at night.

You don’t have to apologize for what truly wasn’t your fault, but you can find the things, no matter how small, that you could have handled better. Once you apologize for those things, that will get the ball rolling for the other person to own up to their mistakes. Don’t let pride stop you from being the bigger person and taking the initiative.

Even when you haven’t been caught. As a boy, did you ever break something and then run away, hoping that no one would notice, and that if they did, they wouldn’t connect the crime back to you? This is how a child handles his mistakes. A man owns up to his mistakes and offenses whether or not he thinks he will be held accountable.

Quickly. Apologize as soon as you can after making a mistake or committing an offense. The longer you wait, the more resentment is going to build up on both sides, the harder it will be to make the first move, and the more awkward the situation will become. Be a man and nip it in the bud.

When Not to Apologize

For your beliefs. If you offend someone by standing up for your beliefs because you failed to debate like a gentleman and ended up being snarky, attacking the person personally, or generally acting like an ass, then you should apologize for your boorish behavior. However, if you’ve made a completely respectful argument in favor of your position and a person is simply offended because of the nature of your beliefs, then you should never apologize for that. Don’t be sorry for what you hold near and dear to your heart.

For not meeting unreasonable expectations. You know this guy. His girlfriend expects him to kowtow to her every wish and treat her like a princess 24/7. When he fails to do this, she expects him to grovel in repentance. This isn’t being sensitive, it’s being a whipped weenie.

For everything. This man apologizes for his appearance, for things that aren’t his fault that no one is saying are his fault, and for perceived shortcomings that no one notices until he brings them up. And he keeps on apologizing. Over and over again when everyone else has moved on. Being a compulsive apologizer is highly emasculating and instead of getting you into people’s good graces as you might assume, will simply erode their respect for you.

How to Apologize

Write it if you can’t say it. Sometimes our embarrassment or pride prevents us from going in person to apologize to someone. While a face to face apology is always ideal, if you absolutely can’t do it, then it’s better to get it out then not do it at all. And sometimes a letter or note is actually a superior medium to talking because it allows you to express all of your feelings without forgetting what you want to say or running the risk of setting off another argument.

Use humor when appropriate. Some self-deprecating humor can break the tension and cause you both to laugh. I’ve found that drawing little cartoons of me and my mishap can instantly dissipate my wife’s anger. Note that I said, when appropriate. If you cheated on your girlfriend, don’t crack jokes or make cartoons about it. “And see in this panel, that’s me making out with your best friend.”

Be sincere. This is the cardinal rule of apologies. An insincere apology is in some ways worse than no apology at all. The person’s hurt over your offense will merely be compounded by their anger at your hypocrisy. An insincere apology may take the form of saying you’re sorry but saying it in such a way that your lack of contrition is patently manifest. Another form is the famous “I’m sorry you’re sorry” apology. This apology admits no fault but pretends like saying you’re sorry that the person was hurt or is angry is still pretty big of you. Don’t bother; it will make the person want to stab with you a trident.

Take complete responsibility. Never, ever make any excuses while you’re apologizing. They instantly ruin the weight and sincerity of your confession. Don’t use any “buts.” As in “I’m really sorry that happened, but….” A man takes full responsibility for his mistakes.

Express your understanding of why you were wrong and the weight of your mistake. A person wants to know that you fully understand the seriousness of the situation, that you have thought through exactly why what you did was wrong and the full consequences of your actions. Nobody wants to hear an apology from someone who clearly doesn’t know why they’re in the wrong but feels like apologizing is what they’re “supposed” to do.

Offer to make restitution. This is a key part of the apology process. You should almost always offer to try in any way you can to make up for your misdeed. This obviously isn’t always possible. If you break your wife’s 5th generation family heirloom vase, you can’t go to Target and buy a replacement. But if a situation can be fixed and rectified, that you should pledge to do whatever it takes to do so.

Pledge better behavior in the future. Notice that I said pledge and not promise. While some would argue that if you’re really sorry, you’ll never make the same mistake again, our failings as human beings dictates otherwise. I might be truly sorry for losing my temper on someone, but I’m pretty sure that no matter how hard I try, it’s probably going to happen again somewhere down the line. When you promise someone that something is never going to happen again, you’re setting yourself up for a huge rift to develop if it does. The person will be justifiably doubly hurt, because after all, “You promised!” There are of course some things that you can be almost 100% sure you’ll never do again, and if you feel absolutely confident in that, then make a promise. But generally you should simply pledge that you’re going to be working hard on fixing whatever personality or behavioral faults led to your current offense. You can promise that you’re going to be making an effort to change and turn things around.

Prove your contrition with your actions. In the end, words will matter very little if your actions don’t match them. After you’ve apologized, stop dwelling on it. Simply start acting in a way that demonstrates the sincerity of your apology.

Move on. Once you’ve given your sincere apology, don’t apologize again. Having you continually apologize may be what the offended party thinks they want from you and it may make them feel better in the short term. But in the long term, it’s going to ruin the relationship. If you continue to grovel then you’ll always be in the inferior position instead of having the person treat you like an equal. Deep down they won’t be respecting you as a man. Either the person accepts your apology or they don’t. If they do, then there’s no need to keep groveling. If they don’t, then the person doesn’t trust you and the relationship has other problems that need to be fixed.

• Ask Wayne: Man Apologizes to Wife In Text Message; Wife Responds With Snark
• How to Give and Take Criticism like a Man
• The Virtuous Life: Sincerity
• The Virtuous Life: Tranquility
• The Unclassified Laws of Etiquette

Image from JOnny_t

For many people, hearing the word “godfather” brings up images of Italian mob bosses calling in hits on rival mob families or snitches within their own ranks. But there’s actually more to being il padrino than granting favors and running a criminal organization. The reality is that taking on the role of godfather to a child is very big honor that comes with important responsibilities. Unfortunately, many men have no clue what exactly they’re supposed to do as a godfather. To help remedy that, we’ve developed this short guide to being a great godfather. Read it or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.

History of Godfathers

The first step to understanding your duties as a godfather is to become familiar with the history of the position. The origin of godparents is distinctly religious. As infant baptism took hold in early Christianity, there was a need for someone to step in as a sponsor and provide the required confession of faith before baptism. In the beginning, biological parents often took on this role, but the Council of Munich in 813 required natural parents to pick other people to be godparents. In addition to sponsoring the child’s christening, the godfather was charged with the duty of overseeing the child’s spiritual instruction.

As with many Christian traditions, the role of godfathers went through some upheaval during the Reformation. Many Protestant sects continued with the practice but loosened up a bit on the pre-Reformation requirements.  The Roman Catholic church has pretty much maintained the status quo on godfathers up until the present day. In order to be godfather in Catholicism, a man must be a confirmed Catholic in good standing and not be the natural parent of the child.

The concept of godfatherhood isn’t exclusively Christian. In Judiasm, parents often pick a man to be the sandek at their child’s briss. The sandek holds the baby boy on a pillow while he is circumcised by the mohel. According to Jewish custom, the role of sandek is given to a single Jewish male, usually a close family member or some other man who is a good example of the faith. Also tradition dictates that a man can not serve as a sandek more than once. Like the Christian godfather, sandeks also have a responsibility to help guide the child’s spiritual upbringing.

Godfathers Today

For many people today, the spiritual aspect of being a godfather is still very important. But as Western society has become more secular, many families have held on to the tradition of naming godparents for their children, but have expanded the responsibilities beyond taking part in religious ceremonies or in the child’s spiritual development. For example, some parents ask that the godfather be a special mentor for their child or to foster their kids if they die. Most parents pick a sibling or close cousin to be the godfather. But it’s now not uncommon for a good friend to be selected.

Whether your role as a godfather is the traditional religious one or a more secular one, being asked to be a godfather is a big honor. By asking you to be a godfather, the parents are showing that you’re a man they can trust to help raise their child. Let’s take a look at a few tips on how to be the kind of godfather a kid will feel lucky to have.

How to Be an Awesome Godfather

Ask what’s expected of you. After you thank the parents for honoring you with their request, ask them what they expect from you as the child’s godfather. Do you need to be at the christening? Are you going to be the child’s spiritual guide or just more of an all around mentor? Are you expected to foster the kid if they should pass on before the child becomes an adult?

What should you do if the parents ask you to take on a  religious role but you no longer believe or aren’t very active in their respective faith? It’s a tough situation. On the one hand, you don’t want to seem like a hypocrite by making confessions of faith you don’t really believe, and on the other hand, you don’t want to offend your brother/friend by saying no.

There’s really no cut and dry answer on what one should do. My suggestion would be to thank the parents for the honor, but tactfully explain that you might not be the best person for the job because of your beliefs. Make the suggestion that while you might not/can’t participate in the religious aspect of being a godfather, that you’d be more than willing to take an active role in the child’s life and do all that you can to support the parents in raising him or her. Most parents will appreciate your candor and be grateful for your respect of a religious ceremony that means a lot to them.

Show up to the ceremony (if there is one). If the child is taking part in a briss or christening ceremony and the godfather has a role, be there. It’s always a good idea to be a familiar with your role in the ceremony before you show up. Talk to the parents or the respective religious leader to get the skinny on what you’ll do and say during the ceremony. If the parents aren’t the religious type, but are having some sort of welcoming celebration for their newborn, make an appearance. Make sure you’re dressed appropriately to show your respect for the occasion.

Parents usually have some sort of party after the child’s christening ceremony, and non-religious parents will sometimes have parties to celebrate their child’s birth. It’s customary for the godfather to give a small speech congratulating the couple on the child’s birth, thanking them for the honor of being the child’s godfather, and publicly announcing his support in helping raise the child. It’s sort of like giving a best man speech. So before you go to the party, make sure to have a few words prepared.

Remember important events in your godchild’s life. Mark your godchild’s birthday on your calendar and be sure to send them a card every year. Godfathers usually give a little more money to their godchild at birthdays and Christmas than they do to their other nieces and nephews. It’s not necessary, but that’s been my experience. When your godchild has some sort of success in school or sports, send them a congratulatory card.

Be willing to take on parenting responsibilities if your godchild’s parents die. Traditionally, godparents are the individuals who have the responsibility of fostering a child if both the parents die. In the United States and the United Kingdom this is NOT a legal obligation. If the parents are really serious about you stepping in as the child’s guardian if they die, they’ll need to indicate so in a properly executed will.

Be a mentor.The best thing you can do to be a great godfather is to be a mentor for your godchild. For some men this will mean taking on the traditional role of being a spiritual guide for your godchild. For other men, it may mean being a mentor in other aspects of the child’s life. Either way, do your best to provide a good example to your godchild.

The mentoring relationship you have with your godchild will depend a lot on your geographic proximity to each other. If they’re near by, take them fishing, show them how to work with tools, or visit cultural events in the area. You’ll find moments while taking part in these sorts of activities to pass on some advice and wisdom.

If your godchild lives far away, keep in contact by writing letters, calling them on the phone, or sending an email every now and then. If you’re looking for inspiration on what sort of advice to impart in a letter, read some of Lord Chesterfield’s letters to his son or Teddy Roosevelt’s letters to his sons.

One good idea that was shared by Nic in the Community, is to give or send your godchildren great books to read. Don’t underestimate the power good literature can have on a child.

Refer to yourself as “The Don.” You’re a godfather. You’ve earned it.

Are you a godfather? Do you have a godfather? Share your experience with us in the comments.

• The Awesome Dad Cheat Sheet: 18 Fatherhood Tips They Should’ve Handed Out at the Delivery Room
• Every Man Needs a Man Mentor
• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 3: Find a Mentor
• Quit Coddling Your Kids
• Overcoming the Barriers to Mentorship: The Retribing Giveaway

Source: Life

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Brian Burnham. Mr. Burhham holds a Masters of Education in Counseling from the College of William and Mary and is an In-Home Therapist for the Hampton-Newport News CSB.

In the beginning of February 2009, I was just entering my last semester in my Masters program for counseling when after a brief illness, my father died.  I had thought of myself as a well put together guy: at the top of my class, with a fiancée and strong prospects for the future, but this put me into a complete tailspin.  I swung from fits of intense rage, to depths of deep depression, to cold and distant numbness.  What made matters even worse was that I had no clue what was happening to me, and my classmates and mentors, despite being in the counseling field, seemed just as bewildered.  What was happening to me was grief, and like many men in our society, I was woefully unprepared for it.

Unfortunately, the death of a loved one is something that everyone will experience at some point in their life.  Modern American society, however, does little to prepare us for the inevitable loss of a loved one.  We need only look at our TV commercials with their emphasis on staying young and healthy in the hope of living forever to see that we live in a culture that prefers not to think about or even acknowledge the existence of death.¹ This is why when the death of a loved one does occur, many men do not understand the experiences they are having and how grief is affecting them.  So in an effort to better understand my own experience and to help my fellow men, I’ve put together some research on the way men experience and cope with grief.

Symptoms of Grief in Men

Research shows that after a loss men experience greater changes in mood than do women and experience more consequences for their physical health.² However, we tend not to associate typical grief symptoms such as sadness and crying, depressed mood, and a sense of hopelessness with men or manliness. While men do experience these “typical” symptoms of grief, they may display less of them. This is due at least in part to the fact that there are a number of symptoms that are common in men but relatively rare in women, giving the male experience of grief a unique character.³ These symptoms include:

• Anger: often directed at someone or something seen as responsible for the loss, but sometimes directed at the self or at nothing in particular.

• Irritability: grieving men may be easily irritated and annoyed and may overreact to small annoyances.

• Withdrawal: grieving men may withdraw from social contact as well as withdraw emotionally, experiencing an emotional numbness.

• Rumination: persistent thinking about the deceased or death in general.

• Substance Abuse: grieving men may attempt to cope by abusing alcohol or other drugs.

It’s possible for a grieving man to display any and all of the gender specific symptoms described above and relatively few of the typical symptoms.  This can cause anxiety in some men because they feel like they’re “not grieving enough” or “not grieving the right way” and confusion in those around them who don’t understand why the grieving man is reacting the way that he is. However, the way men grieve will vary widely from man to man and what they are experiencing is normal.

The length of the grieving process will also vary widely from man to man.  While most HR departments only grant 3 days bereavement leave, if they give it at all, grieving typically takes much longer.  Two months is considered the “standard” length of symptoms after which a person should be evaluated for more serious problems.⁴ However, recent research suggests that the process may be much longer and that even well adjusted men may still have some mild symptoms, such as sadness on the anniversary of the deceased’s passing, as much as twenty years later.⁵ The important fact to remember is that every man will grieve at his own pace and should not worry about “being over it by now.”

The degree of symptoms men experience will also vary widely.  Research has shown that some men experience resiliency and experience only mild symptoms of grief for a short period, while others experience much stronger symptoms for a longer period.⁶ Surprisingly, research shows that the intensity of symptoms is not related to the quality of relationship the grieving person had with the deceased.  Men who had a difficult relationship with their wives⁷and fathers⁸ were just as likely to experience prolonged and intense grief at their deaths as those that had good relationships with them.

How Men Cope

Now that we have a sense of what grief is like for men, the inevitable question is “What do we do about it?”  Most men deal with grief using the same strategies that they use to deal with everything else, by controlling their emotions and relying on their own internal strengths. Men therefore do not respond well when asked to do “grief work” which typically involves talking about the emotions associated with the loss.⁹ Research supports this, showing that emotional expression does not lead to reduced grief symptoms in either men or women.¹⁰  However, simply avoiding thinking about the loss is not helpful either.¹¹ According to research, those who coped with a loss most effectively were those that alternated between “loss oriented coping” which involves thinking about the loss and what it means for the person and “restoration oriented coping” which includes planning for the future and problem solving.¹²

Since men tend to be planers and problem solvers, restoration oriented coping often comes naturally to the grieving man. But a grieving man also needs to address issues and emotions associated with the loss itself.  Often these issues will challenge the grieving man’s identity and sense of masculinity. Coming to terms with these challenges,¹³ as well as resolving regrets related to the deceased¹⁴ are all part of a man’s long term coping with loss.

While every man’s experience of grief and coping style will vary, there are some things that all men who are grieving have in common and so the following tips are presented for those men who are grieving and those that are trying to help them.

Tips for the Grieving Man

Experience your grief in your own way. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, there is no wrong way to grieve.  Grief is a unique experience for every man and the way you grieve may not be what others expect or what you expected for yourself.  Permitting yourself to honestly experience grief is an important step towards healing.

Give yourself time to grieve. After the passing of a loved one, there are often many arrangements to be made and others mourners to be supported and cared for.  While no man wants to shirk his duty, it is important to allow time for yourself to grieve as well.

Watch out for harmful behaviors. While experiencing anger is normal, it is important to manage that anger so that it doesn’t harm others.  Also, grieving men are much more likely to develop problems with alcohol or other substances.  Their use should be carefully monitored.

Call on your man friends. Other men, especially other men who have had a similar loss, can be some of your strongest sources of support.

Know when to seek help. For most grieving men, psychological counseling may be helpful but is not necessary. However, if you experience serious thoughts of suicide or self-harm or develop an alcohol or other drug problem, seek psychological care immediately.

Tips for Helping a Grieving Man

Be there. Simply knowing that you are available to support him has a positive impact on a grieving man.  Even if you think it goes without saying, make it a point to tell him that you are available and willing to help.

Listen. A grieving man may or may not want to talk about his experiences.  If he does, listen openly.  Generally, the less you talk the better.  Avoid giving advice or problem solving unless asked.

Allow him to experience his grief his way. Don’t set timetables for his grief or expect him to grieve in a certain way.  Follow his lead in how you can help.

Take care of yourself. Seeing a friend in the depths of grief is difficult and takes its toll mentally.  Make sure to provide for your own care so that you have the energy required to help your friend.

Know when to seek help. Most men will proceed through the grieving process without need for psychological counseling, however, if your friend threatens or attempts suicide, harms or threatens to harm themselves or others, or develops an alcohol or drug problem, advise them to seek psychological care immediately.

1. Santrock, J. (2008). A Topical Approach to Lifespan Development, New York, NY.: McGraw-Hill Higher Education.
2. Stroebe, M., Stroebe, W., & Schut, H. (2001). Gender differences in adjustment to bereavement: An empirical and theoretical review. Review of General Psychology, 5(1), 62-83.
3. Cochran, S., & Rabinowitz, F. (2003). Gender-sensitive recommendations for assessment and treatment of depression in men. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 34(2),132-140.
4. American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed. Text Revesion). Arlington, VA.
5. Carnelley, K., Wortman, C., Bolger, N., & Burke, C. (2006). The time course of grief reactions to spousal loss: Evidence from a national probability sample. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 476-492.
6. Bonnan, G., Wortman, C., Lehman, D., Tweed, R., Haring, M., Sonnega, J., Carr, D., & Nesse, R. (2002). Reselience to loss and chronic grief: A prospective study from preloss to 18-months postloss. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 1150-1164.
7. Bonnan, G., Wortman, C., Lehman, D., Tweed, R., Haring, M., Sonnega, J., Carr, D., & Nesse, R. (2002). Reselience to loss and chronic grief: A prospective study from preloss to 18-months postloss. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 1150-1164.
8. Veerman, D., & Barton, B. (2003). When Your Father Dies: How a Man Deals with the Loss of His Father. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishing
9. Mahalik, J. (1999). Incorporating a gender role strain perspective in assessing and treating men’s cognitive distortions. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30, 333-340.
10. Stroebe, M., Stroebe, W., Schut, H. Zech, E., & van den Bout, J. (2002). Does disclosure of emotions facilitate recovery from bereavement? Evidence from two prospective studies. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 70(1), 169-178.
11. Bonanno, G., Papa, A., Lalande, K., Zhang, N., & Noll, J. (2005) Grief processing and deliberate grief avoidance: A prospective comparison of bereaved spouses and parents in the United States and the People’s Republic of China. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 86-98.
12. Stroebe, M., Stroebe, W., & Schut, H. (2001). Gender differences in adjustment to bereavement: An empirical and theoretical review. Review of General Psychology, 5(1), 62-83.
13. Mahalik, J. (1999). Incorporating a gender role strain perspective in assessing and treating men’s cognitive distortions. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30, 333-340.
14. Torges, C., Stewart, A., & Nolen-Hoecksema, S. (2008). Regret resolution, aging, and adapting to loss. Psychology and Aging, 23(1), 169-180.

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Source: Life

We’ve probably all seen those men who can enter any room and instantly command it. I’m not talking about the loud and boisterous dolt who makes a scene with obnoxious alpha-male jackassery. I’m talking about the man who exudes a silent magnetic charisma that electrifies the entire room just by his presence. People feel better when this type of man is around and they want to be near him.

The benefits of being able to walk into any social situation and completely own it are innumerable. The man who can command a room is more persuasive in his business presentations, easily meets and makes friends, and attracts more women. While many men are born with the ability to charismatically command a room, it can also be learned. Below we’ve provided a few tips to get you started on being El Capitan of any social or professional situation.

Walk in boldly. Many men walk into a room timidly because they don’t want to appear presumptions or self-important. While you shouldn’t barge into people’s home, once you’re invited in, walk in with a bit of pep in your step. You’re supposed to be there, so act like it.

Theodore Roosevelt was a master at walking into a room boldly. In 1881, Roosevelt was elected to the New York Assembly at the age of 23. Accounts from fellow assemblymen on Roosevelt’s first day in office all describe the impressive entrance of the young man. They recall him bursting through the doors and pausing just for a moment so people could soak him in. According to historian Edmund Morris, this became a lifelong habit of Roosevelt’s; he would literally bound from room to room in the White House. Take a lesson from TR: save the walking softly business for your rhetoric.

Hold your breath when you walk in. Win the Crowd author and Magician to the Millionaires Steve Cohen has a trick that he does before we walks onto a stage or into room to perform. Before he makes his appearance, he takes a deep breath, filling all of his lungs. He then holds his breath and walks into the room. As he talks, the air is naturally exhaled. This simple action increases blood to your face and makes you look “more radiant and lively,” and consequently more confident.  In addition, taking a deep breath and holding it also makes you taller, which brings us to our next point….

Stand up straight! Numerous studies have proven that people are attracted to taller men. Taller men get paid more and they get more women. Unfortunately, not all of us were born with Shaq-like height. Don’t sweat it. Just work with what you got. Work on improving your posture. When you enter a room, don’t walk in with shoulders slouched and your head facing down like a whipped puppy. Show your confidence by walking in with your back straight and your chin up. Try not to stick your chest out too much or else it will look like you’re posturing like a silverback gorilla. Just maintain your natural and correct posture. By doing this, you’ll add inches to your frame and increase your presence in the room.

Take control of your surroundings. We feel most self-assured and at ease when we’re familiar with our surroundings. Familiarity gives us a sense of control, which makes us feel confident. How can you be familiar with a room if it’s your first time entering it? Steve Cohen suggests doing small things to instantly take control of your surroundings. For example, when you sit down at a table in a restaurant, rearrange things on the table. Move a saltshaker or your water glass. It sounds silly, but by doing this you tell your subconscious that you have control (even if it’s nominal) of your surroundings, which in turns makes you more confident and magnetic. Look for small but polite ways in which you can take control of your surroundings in your everyday activities. You might be amazed by the results.

Make eye contact. Every book on self-confidence or assertiveness will tell you that a simple way to increase your presence in a room and your connection with other people is to look them in the eye. The reason it’s repeated ad nauseam is because it works. Eye contact is key to creating a connection with people. History’s most magnetic men all had the ability of making a person feel like they were the only person there. Bill Clinton is a perfect example of this. Adroit use of eye contact is an essential part of this ability.

Eye contact should be engaging, but not overbearing. Don’t stare a person down non-stop. You’ll just creep them out. Look into their eyes, while occasionally flitting yours to the sides of their head and then back. If you have trouble looking people in the eye, try this tip. Take notice of what color eyes the person you’re talking with has. Are they green? Blue? Brown? Or do they have a unique mix? Not only does this help maintain eye contact with people, it’s also a great way to remember people’s names.  After taking note of a person’s eye color, start associating that color with their name. You’ll gain bonus charisma points for being able to recall their name during the conversation.

Eliminate filler words. A nervous tick that plagues many men is filling the space between their words with needless “ummms,” “yeah’s” and “like’s.” Using filler words is not only distracting, it shows that you’re not confident in what you’re saying. If you’re going to say something, say it with ganas, hombre! Don’t muddle up the conversation with needless filler.

But what should you do in those moments when you’re still collecting your thoughts as you speak? Our natural tendency is to fill the air with an “uuumm” or a quick blast of several “likes.”  But fight the urge to do this. Instead embrace the silence. As you come to moments in the conversation where you have to collect your thoughts, just keep your mouth shut. This does two things. First, you eliminate the distraction of the annoying filler words. Second, and more importantly, you draw people in closer to you by creating anticipation in what you’re about to say. By remaining silent, you pique the curiosity of your listener and subtly take control of the situation. Of course, avoid too many long pauses; that will only make you seem awkward.

Focus on other people. If there’s anything you take away from this article, let it be this. If you really want to be the man in the room that people are drawn to, focus your interest on them. Many men have the false idea that if you want to command the room, you have to make everything about you. These misguided souls wear flashy jewelry or skin tight clothing that shows off their well-chiseled body. Their conversation focuses on them- their cars, their bench press, their sexual exploits, etc. While a few pinheads will be impressed with this sort of thing, the vast majority of the population will think it’s a bunch crap.

The reality is that the magnetic gentleman-the man who can walk into any room and own it- is others focused. People want to feel loved, appreciated, and important. Sadly, many people these days aren’t feeling much of that. Perhaps their boss never compliments them or their wife never voices any appreciation for all that they do. If you can fill that void in people’s lives by focusing on them and acknowledging their importance, you’ll instantly bring them under your magnetic influence.

Think back to a time when someone genuinely complimented you. How did you feel? Pretty damn good, probably. How did you feel about the person giving the compliment? Admit it. You most likely thought, “Wow, I really like this guy!” It’s only human nature. We’re drawn to people who show an interest in us. People are like mirrors. When we shine a light on a person, they reflect that light back on us. If we shine a light on every person in the room, we end up being the brightest man there.

So, next time you enter a room, forget being charming. Hell, forget about commanding the room. Just focus on how you can make others feel important. The charm and the room will follow naturally.

Have any other ideas on commanding a room like a man? Drop a line in the comment box.

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Meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time is a big step in a relationship. You’re taking it up a notch from casual dating;  you’re saying that you’re ready to start to solidifying your couplehood by placing yourself inside of her social and familial circle and allowing them to put a face to the name. You won’t be able to slink away later as an anonymous dude. You’re ready to announce your interest in a lady to the most important people in her life.

Thus, the experience can be a tad nerve racking. Parents are pretty protective of their daughters. They want to feel comfortable with the idea of you as a boyfriend, as possibly the future man in her life. A boyfriend can make a woman completely happy or totally wreck her life, and they want to know that it’s the former. And on the flip side, your girlfriend really wants her family to like you. She wants you to shine so she can get their approval. And if she’s hoping for a long-term relationship with you, she’s got her fingers crossed that you’ll get along with them.

So that’s a lot of pressure. But you’re a man and you’re cool under pressure. But to have that kind of confidence you have to prepare. Follow the tips below, and your girlfriend’s mom will be raving about you to all her friends.

Make a Great First Impression

It’s cliché, but it’s the truth; you never have a second chance to make a first impression. Your girlfriend’s parents are going to be sizing you up and making assumptions about you the minute you walk through the door.

Dress sharp. Nothing telegraphs more about your personality than your clothes. Besides your face, it’s the first thing your girlfriend’s parents are going to be taking in when they open the door. Even if you’re just having a casual dinner at their house, look presentable and put together. It’s hard to go wrong with khakis and a nice polo shirt. Don’t wear anything too outlandish. If your clothes need ironing, iron them.

Bring flowers for mom. We instantly like people who come bearing gifts. So present mom with a classy bouquet. If you purchased the flowers from the grocery store, take a moment to remove the price tag before you get out of the car.

Give a friendly greeting. As soon as you meet the parents, look them in the eye, smile and offer a firm handshake to both parents. Give a manly handshake, not a dead fish. Address them as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Do not call them by their first names until they ask you to. Even after you have met your girlfriend’s parents several times, address them as Mr. and Mrs. Smith until they ask you to call them by their first names.

Build Rapport

Be engaged in conversations. One of the best ways to be charming is to act genuinely interested in people. People like others who seem interested in their lives, and they love to talk about themselves. So ask your girlfriend’s parents questions and listen attentively when they talk to you. When they tell you things, ask follow-up questions to get more details. And follow the basic rules of polite conversation: avoid controversial topics, don’t interrupt, don’t swear ect.

Give compliments. It’s almost always a good idea to say how nice their house is. If the place is clearly a dump, then skip it, of course. Giving praise will backfire if it’s not sincere. If they cook for you, always compliment the grub. And ask for seconds, even if you’re not hungry. Say something nice about your girlfriend too. Her parents raised her, so you’re really complimenting them at the same time. Naturally, you should never overdo it with the praise. There’s a big difference between being a kiss-up and being polite.

Don’t act nervous. Even if you are. Much of how we judge a man is related to his confidence and bearing. Even if her dad intimidates you, and is clearly sizing you up, don’t act intimidated. Look him right back in the eye. Speak clearly and articulately. You’ll never gain his manly respect by staring at your shoes and breaking out in a sweat. And if you appear shifty, the parents may assume you have something to hide.

Be a Good Houseguest

If you’re spending the night with your girlfriend’s parents, be sure to follow the rules of being a polite houseguest. In addition, remember to follow some additional guidelines:

Be prepared to sleep in separate rooms. Even if you and your girlfriend currently live together, if her parents want you to sleep in separate rooms, then do so without complaint or comment. You’re in their house and should follow their rules. If you are given a sleeping bag and asked to sleep on the sofa, do so happily.

Don’t walk around in your skivvies. Don’t come to breakfast in your BVD’s. Always bring a t-shirt and pajamas pants with you so that if you’re woken in the night or they walk in on you in the morning, mom’s not going to get an eyeful of your man junk.

Leave a Good Impression

How you leave your girlfriend’s parent’s house is just as important as how you enter. Leave them thinking happy thoughts about you.

Give them a nice goodbye. When you’re leaving, thank your girlfriend’s parents for your visit. Tell them what a pleasure it was to meet them. Shake hands again. If mom goes in for the hug, give her a good one.

Write a thank you note. If it was a brief meeting, this is not necessary. But if they made you dinner or you stayed at their house, write them a thank you note. If you were an overnight guest, you can do this while still in their home; leave the note on your bed or the kitchen counter. So you might want to bring some stationery with you.

Any other advice for meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time? Leave a comment.

Many thanks to AoM reader and mother of two daughters, Leslie Tincher for the idea for this post and much of the material for it.

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When marriages start going sour, couples are often urged to go see a therapist or to attend a workshop or seminar to help smooth out their difficulties. But these options are often quite expensive and outside a couple’s budget. If there’s already tension in your marriage, it’s probably not a wise idea to add financial stress to the problem by ponying up $100 an hour for professional counseling. And a lot of men aren’t keen on talking about their feelings to a stranger or a room full of strangers. We like to tackle problems ourselves.

As it turns out, this bootstrapping mentality is not such a bad idea. A recent study found that reading research-based articles together as a couple, and applying the advice from those articles to your relationship was just as effective as attending a workshop or seminar.¹ If you’re having serious problems in your marriage, you may need to see a therapist, but if you’re marriage simply needs some tuning up, here are some diy basics to read over with your spouse and start applying to your relationship.

Banish the Four Horsemen of Divorce

Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D. has been studying marriages in a lab at the University of Washington for 20 years. While many people think that what makes a happy or unhappy marriage is somewhat mysterious and divorce is hard to predict, he can watch a couple interact for only a few hours and then forecast with 91% accuracy whether or not they’ll end up divorcing. He’s not a fortune teller; he simply looks for  telltale signs in the way the couple interacts and handles their disagreements. Those that display what he calls the “four horseman of the apocalypse” have a high likelihood for divorce. If a couple can identify and rectify these behaviors, the marriage can often be saved. So let’s take a look at what the four horsemen are.

Criticism

Criticism is not the same as complaining. Complaints center on specific actions and behaviors disliked by one’s partner, while criticism goes further and attacks the person himself. Here are examples from Gottman to illustrate the difference:

Complaint: “I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we’d take turns doing it.”

Criticism: “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care.”

Complaint. There’s no gas in the car. Why didn’t you fill it up like you said you would?

Criticism. Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t. (Criticism. She’s implying the problem is his fault. Even if it is, blaming him will only make it worse.)

Criticism throws in blame and general character assassination. To turn a complaint into a criticism, add the line: “What is wrong with you?”

Complaints are okay when each person is committed to addressing them respectfully. And criticism is something every couple deals with. It only becomes lethal to the marriage when allowed to fester into the next three horsemen.

Contempt

The intimacy of marriage can bring people healing and acceptance. But the flip side of intimacy is the ability it gives people to know how to hurt their partner the most. Contempt goes beyond criticism in that it is a purposeful attempt to wound and demean someone at their core. It’s manifested in biting sarcasm,  hostile humor, name-calling, and insults. It can be seen in a partner’s eye-rolling, sneering, or lip curling. According to Gottman, contempt is the most deadly of the horsemen because “it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her.” Contempt rears its ugly head when couples lose respect for each other and cease trying to see things from their spouse’s perspective. They dwell on their partner’s faults, and this built up bile comes out in their arguments.

Defensiveness

Even if there is truth to someone’s criticism, if it is delivered in a contemptuous manner, the person is apt to react defensively. They will go on the defensive by denying responsibility, making up excuses, leveling counter accusations, and disagreeing angrily. This only ramps up the conflict, as “you’re effectively saying, “‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’” This only compounds the negativity and distance between the couple. Instead, one partner must be the bigger person and try to respond calmly and openly.

Stonewalling

After enough negative interactions of contempt and criticism, a spouse may simply shut down. They withdraw from the other person and stop listening to and engaging with them. During an argument they stop responding and give their partner the silent treatment. This often frustrates and infuriates their partner even more. In 85% of marriages, the stonewaller is the man, and it is by far the most serious symptom of a broken relationship.  If it’s occurring in yours, the relationship is critical and you need to act soon to right the ship.

The four horseman may rear their heads in every marriage, no matter how happy or stable. It’s when they find a permanent and regular place in your relationship that you may be headed down the road to divorce. But every marriage, no matter how plagued it is by the horsemen, can be saved. Here are a few tips on how to turn things around:

Avoid a Harsh Start-up

The best way to short circuit the four horsemen is to nip them in the bud before they entrench themselves in your relationship. One way to do that is to actively attempt to begin your arguments in such a way as to minimize negativity. 96% of arguments that begin with what Gottman calls a “harsh star-up” end badly, even if the couple tries to make nice during the discussion. What begins badly, ends badly. So when you disagree with a spouse, never start out the discussion with criticism or contempt. Try to stay calm, civil, and respectful.

Build Your Friendship

In addition to the presence of the four horsemen, when Gottman is evaluating a marriage, he looks at whether the couple makes what he calls successful “repair attempts.” Repair attempts are attempts by the couple to deescalate the tension and resolve their differences. Unhappy couples often are so steeped in their negative feelings that they don’t even notice when their partner is waving the white flag. While a therapist might concentrate on having a couple negotiate their differences or work on their communication, Gottman says this is actually the wrong approach. He argues that, “The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you’re not fighting.” Whether a couple makes successful repair-attempts is not contingent on how they communicate, but on the store of positive feelings and friendship they have built up. Gottman says that happy marriages have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. When you have this, you’ll still argue from time to time, but the repair-attempts will flow naturally from “positive sentiment override.” How do you build up these postive sentiments and soldify your friendship? Read on.

Spend 5 Magic Hours a Week

During his studies in the lab, Dr. Gottman sought to figure out the things that happy couples do that unhappy couples do not. He found that those in strong marriages spent only 5 extra hours a week doing things to strengthen their marriage. But those hours, which he calls the “five magic hours,” were enough to make a huge difference in the quality of  their marriage. Here are the five hours you should be investing in your relationship each week:

Connect before you leave. Before you and your wife part ways at the beginning of the day, take the time to learn about one thing each of you have planned for the day. Estimated time: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 10 minutes per week.

Connect when you reunite. At the end of the day, spend at least 20 minutes talking about the things that went on during your day. Chatting at the dinner table or in bed helps you de-stress and reconnect with your partner. Estimated time: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 1 hour, 40 minutes per week

Admire and appreciate. Every day, find ways to tell your wife that you love her and appreciate all that she does for you. Be specific. Don’t just say that she’s wonderful; tell her how beautiful she is, how she lights up a room, how her meatloaf is a little slice of heaven on earth, ect. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week.

Initiate affection. When you were dating, you were all over each other. If you want to bring back some of that magic, that you need to start being more intimate with one another. Cuddle, kiss, hold hands, spoon, and so on. The more time you spend touching, the happier your marriage will be. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week.

Go on a weekly date. Establish that you will go out on one date a week, and make this a non-negotiable commitment. If you have kids, get a babysitter. This is time for just you and your wife. The date doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. But it needs to provide time for you two to talk, so a movie alone won’t cut it. Discuss what happened that week and your plans, hopes, and dreams for your future together.

Studies have shown that doing unfamiliar things together as a couple will bring back the butterflies you experienced together at the beginning of the relationship.² So while I know how hard it is to break from the Chili’s and TV watching routine, it’s important to make an effort to get out and do something different. Seek out little hole in the wall restaurants, explore a museum you’ve never been to before, take a hike on a new trail, etc.

Further Reading: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver.

1. http://magazine.byu.edu/?act=view&a=2437
2. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/12/health/12well.html

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Find the girl who is the “one.” Check.   Ask her father for her hand in marriage. Check.  Plan the perfect proposal. Check. Buy engagement ring. Hmmmm…..  Buying an engagement ring can be an overwhelming task. There’s a lot of pressure on this purchase. It’s a symbol of your love for your girlfriend, and it’s a token of your willingness to take the relationship to the next level. Plus, it doesn’t help that your fiance will be showing off the ring to her friends and family.

For many men, the purchase of their lady’s engagement ring will be their first experience in the the wild world of jewelry. When they walk into a jewelry store they’re inundated with terms and concepts that they’ve never heard before. Tiffany setting? Inclusions? Eternity band? What the wha?

Never fear. We’ve put together the ultimate guide to help you purchase an engagement ring that your girlfriend will flip over. Let’s get started.

Establish Your Budget

First thing you’ll need to do before you step into a jewelry store is establish a budget. It will help the jeweler show you options that are in your price range. Keep in mind that like buying a car, the price of an engagement ring can often be negotiated.

You may have heard that a man is supposed to spend 2 months salary on an engagement ring. This is crap. Hoping to cash in on retuning GI’s itch to get hitched, this “rule” was invented whole cloth as part of a crafty ad campaign by the DeBeers company during the 1940’s. But there’s nothing romantic about going into major debt. Buy the nicest ring that you can afford. In the end, it’s not the amount of money you spend on an engagement ring that matters, but rather the thought that goes into purchasing it. Many women would rather start your life together debt-free or use the money for a sweet honeymoon than have you blow all your savings on some rock.

If you want to propose, don’t delay because you can’t afford a better ring. The ring is supposed to be a symbol of your love, and what does it say about your love that you’re willing to postpone your marriage to buy a better rock? A humble ring will be a memory of that hard-scrabble time when you two were young. You can always get her a nicer ring  for an anniversary present somewhere down the line.

Make It a Surprise

The jeweler I talked to noted that he’s been seeing more and more men coming in with their girlfriends to pick out a ring. While letting your wife-to-be pick out the ring she wants will ensure that the ring fits and that she likes it, you’re denying yourself a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to show how  thoughtful and romantic you are. Imagine the look of surprise your girlfriend will have when 1) you propose to her, 2) the ring fits, and 3) the ring you picked is exactly what she wanted.

If you can successfully pull off this trifecta of surprises, you will be the subject of envious conversations among your girlfriend’s social circle, your future mother-in-law will say you’re a catch, and men around you will silently acknowledge your achievement. Making the engagement ring a surprise will take some work, but it’s well worth the investment.

This is not to say that surprising her is the only way to go. Some women will insist that they go along with you to pick out the ring. If you’re like me, your wife will already have the engagement ring she wants in her possession. It was an heirloom from her great-grandmother. I just had to pick the ring up from her mom’s house. Just do what you and your girlfriend think is best.

Find Out Her Ring Size

This where a lot of men screw up in the purchasing process. They’ll have the perfect ring picked out, but they get the wrong size ring for their girlfriend’s finger. When they get down on one knee and attempt to slide the ring on their lady’s finger, it doesn’t fit and awkwardness ensues.

If you get the wrong size ring, all isn’t lost. You’ll just have to take the ring back to the jeweler and fork over some more money to get it properly fitted. But it’s best to avoid the cost and the potential embarrassment at proposing time by making sure the ring you pick is the right size.

The best way to get your girlfriend’s ring size is to get a ring that she isn’t wearing and bring it to the jeweler to be measured. If you want to maintain the surprise factor, you’ll have to be sneaky about this. Swipe a ring from her jewelry box while she’s getting ready in the bathroom or recruit one of her friends to pocket a ring while she’s over her house. Try to swipe a ring that you don’t see her wearing very much; she’ll be less likely to notice its absence.

Research Her Style

You want to pick a ring that fits your woman’s unique style and preferences. Getting a ring that she’s over the moon for will score you romance points that will last a lifetime.

Again, because of the clandestine nature of the engagement proposal, you’re going to have to harness your inner James Bond for this style reconnaissance. When you’re with your girlfriend, take note of the type of jewelry she wears. Does she wear a lot of gold? Maybe she’s a silver or platinum woman. Perhaps there’s a particular stone she wears a lot, like her birthstone, that she’d like more than a diamond. Does she like simple, understated pieces? Or does she favor the big, glitzy variety? Think about her personality; is she an outgoing girl who you know is going to want to show off her ring to everyone she meets? Then go for something big and sparkly. Is she an earthy woman, who doesn’t wear much jewelry at all? Look for rings that are simple, yet beautiful.

Another way to get a feel for her engagement ring preferences is to take her right into a jewelry store. The key to this is to go under another pretext. Tell her you need to go to the mall to look for some new shoes and that you’d like her to come along. When you’re walking to the department store, go past a Helzberg Jewelry store and say, “Hey, I want to stop and look at some watches.” While you’re busy pretending to be interested in the Omegas, dimes to donuts your gal will be looking at the rings. Look at what she’s gazing at. Make a mental note of it. Say something casual like, “That’s a nice one,” and gage her reaction. Go back to looking at watches. Leave. Mission accomplished.

Pick The Engagement Ring Band

You have a variety of metals to choose from for the engagement ring’s band. The most common include yellow gold, rose gold, white gold, platinum, and silver. You can even do a mix of different types of metals.

Each metal has their advantage and disadvantages. For example, platinum is an extremely durable metal and will last a long time. However, it dulls much more quickly than gold, and it’s harder to bring back the initial luster it once had.

Gold, on the other hand, is  shinier than platinum, and because it’s a soft metal, it’s easier to buff and polish it to get back the ring’s original luster. Gold’s advantage over platinum is also its weakness. Because it’s a soft metal, gold wears down faster. In about 15 to 20 years, the engagement ring may have to be reshanked because it’s worn too thin.

While you may be interested in the durability of the engagement ring band, your future wife  is probably more interested in the way it looks. Right now, silver-looking engagement rings are the most popular. If your lady is a woman who stays on top of the latest fashion trends, go with a platinum or white gold band.

If she’s more of a classic type of gal, go with the traditional yellow gold band.

Selecting a Quality Diamond: The Four C’s

So you’ve selected a band. We now move to the focal point of most engagement rings: the diamond. For many men, purchasing a diamond can seem like a daunting task, but with a bit of knowledge, you can walk  out of a jewelry store with a stone your fiancee will be dying to show off to her friends.

When selecting a diamond, you’ll want to take into account the “4 C’s:” cut, color, clarity, and carat weight. All four of these factors determine the quality and cost of the diamond.

Cut. Cut doesn’t refer to the shape of the diamond, but rather the angles and proportions of the stone. While nature determines the other three C’s, the diamond’s cut is determined by a cutter. A well cut diamond reflects light from one facet to another and projects the light through the top of the stone. This is what gives a diamond its sparkle. Diamonds that are cut too deep or too shallow leak light through the bottom or the side of the stone, resulting in a lackluster appearance.

Out of all the four C’s, cut is the most important. Even if you have the perfect color, clarity, and carat, if the cut isn’t right, the diamond won’t have that fiery brilliance that your fiancé will show off to her friends.

Color. To many men’s surprise, diamonds come in a variety of colors. Diamond color is graded on a scale that ranges from D (colorless) to Z (light yellow). Truly colorless diamonds are the most rare and most expensive. White color diamonds are the most popular. But when it gets down to it, diamond color is all about preference. Look back at your notes from your ring reconnaissance to see what your lady prefers.

Clarity. The fewer imperfections a diamond has, the more clear, and consequently, more expensive it is. When the jeweler starts discussing the clarity of the diamond, he or she will probably mention the diamond’s “inclusions.” Inclusions are other minerals or tiny fractures in the diamond. The fewer inclusions the better.

Like color, clarity is measured on a scale. SI1 and SI2 are slightly included but you won’t be able to see the imperfection with the naked eye. Try to find a diamond in this range.

When looking at a diamond, avoid stones with inclusions on the top and in the middle, as this can impact the dispersion of light, making it less brilliant.

Carat Weight. Carat refers to the weight of a diamond. The heavier the stone, the more you’re going to pay. However, there’s no need to get to caught up on the carat weight. Through proper mounting and shaping, a master jeweler can make a diamond appear larger than its carat weight might suggest.

Selecting the Diamond Shape

In addition to the four C’s, you’ll also want to take into consideration a diamond’s shape. The shape of the diamond is all a matter of your girlfriend’s preference.  Below, we list a few of the possible shapes you can get a diamond in:

Round

A round diamond is the classic and timeless diamond shape.

Princess

The Princess is a square diamond and is the most popular shape for engagement rings right now.

Pear

Oval

Heart

Choose the Setting

A ring’s “setting” refers to the way in which the diamond is placed on the the ring. Like everything else with an engagement ring, which setting you pick depends a lot on your girlfriend’s preferences. You can actually create combinations of different settings if you want. Here’s a quick primer on the different types of settings, so you’re not completely clueless when you walk into the jewelry store.

Tiffany setting

Introduced by the jewelry company that bears the name. It’s a timeless and classic look.

Eternity band

Instead of a single diamond, an eternity band has diamonds that go all around the ring.

Bezel setting

A metal rim that encircles the sides of the stone and extends slightly above it. The rim can stretch around the diamond’s entire circumference or around only a portion of it. A bezel setting holds a diamond securely, and the low, protective profile it creates makes a bezel setting a good choice for women with active lifestyles.

Channel setting

In a channel setting, the diamond or diamonds are placed into a metal channel. It can be used as an accent to a main diamond that’s set on a prong.

Pave’ (pronounced Pa Vay)

This setting consists of lots of diamonds placed close together.

Alternatives to Buying a Diamond Ring

Most women want a traditional diamond ring. But not all do. After all, the idea that engagement rings must be diamond rings is a modern invention, a marketing ploy by the DeBeers company. Diamonds are not in fact rare or special. They are expensive merely because the DeBeers cartel has succeeded in controlling both supply and demand. Not wanting the diamonds to ever be resold, and needing people to buy the heaps of diamonds they were sitting on, they sought to  imbue the jewels with romantic meaning and social status. Launching a full-press campaign in 1938, the company sought to convince Americans that “A diamond is forever” and the only acceptable way to express your love. In reviewing their advertising strategy in 1951, the DeBeers ad agency noted:

“The millions of brides and brides-to-be are subjected to at least two important pressures that work against the diamond engagement ring. Among the more prosperous, there is the sophisticated urge to be different as a means of being smart…. the lower-income groups would like to show more for the money than they can find in the diamond they can afford… It is essential that these pressures be met by the constant publicity to show that only the diamond is everywhere accepted and recognized as the symbol of betrothal.”

And so it was that DeBeers succeeded beyond their wildest dreams in convincing  both men and women that the size of the diamond was directly proportional to the intensity of their love. Rather crass when you take  step back, isn’t it? Today a man may sometimes postpone his proposal until he can afford a proper diamond ring. All because of an ad campaign.

So why not break the mold and buy something else? How about her birthstone or some other colored gem that reminds you of her? Of course, if you are going to bust out something other than a diamond when you propose, you better be damn sure that your girl is okay with it. A lot of women have been dreaming of a diamond ring, and their heart will sink when you open the jewelry box to reveal a ruby. So check with her first.

If you’re just generally not keen on blowing a big wad of cash on a ring, ask both sides of the family if there is an heirloom that could be passed on. As I mentioned above, Kate’s mother-in-law gave me her great-grandmother’s ring. It fit like a charm, Kate loves that it has some history, and we were both giddy that we got it for free.

Insuring the Engagement Ring

An engagement ring is both a financial and sentimental investment. Because of this huge investment of money and emotion, it might be a good idea to insure your girlfriend’s engagement ring in case it’s ever lost, stolen, or damaged. Even if you and your wife decide not to replace the ring, you can at least take the cash and go on a romantic getaway. You have a few options when you insure an engagement ring:

Homeowner’s/Renter’s Insurance. Many homeowner’s/renter’s insurance policies allow you to add the value of expensive items, like jewelry, to your coverage. However, make sure to check the policy to see what is actually covered. Often homeowner’s/renter’s insurance will only cover an engagement ring if it was stolen or damaged by tornado or fires. If your wife loses her ring while cleaning the toilet, you’ll probably be out of luck with this option.

Actual Value Policies. An actual value insurance policy will pay you the value of the ring minus its depreciation from use.  So, say if the ring you bought cost $2,000 and your wife loses it five years after you tied the knot, the insurance company may only pay you $1,500, taking into account the five years of wear and tear on the ring. Because actual value insurance policies don’t pay back the full value of the ring, they’re the least expensive option.

Replacement Insurance Policies. This policy will refund to you the market value of the ring you bought. So if you bought an engagement ring with a gold band and a diamond that was cut perfectly and had impeccable clarity, the insurance company will pay you the current going price for a ring like that.  This could mean you’ll get more money than what you originally paid on the ring due to the appreciation of gold and diamond prices.

Your jeweler should be able to lead you to some reputable insurance companies. The Chubb Group and Jewelers Mutual are two such companies.

The Engagement’s Off. Can I Get My Ring Back?

Sadly, not all engagements work out. Perhaps it was the stress of picking out dishes for your new home, or maybe your fiancee gives you the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. However it ends, there will be one issue that you’ll have to resolve before you and your former true love go your separate ways: ownership of the ring.

United States contract and property law states that an engagement ring is a “conditional gift,” meaning the ring becomes the irrevocable property of your girlfriend on the condition that she actually marries you. If the engagement is called off and you don’t get married, you have a legal right to demand the ring back. In most states it doesn’t matter who broke off the engagement. It could be her or even you. As long as the engagement is broken off, you have a legal right to the ring. But some states will look to who actually called off the engagement to determine who gets the ring. If it was you, and you live in an “at fault” state, you could be out a couple thousand dollars.

Be careful about proposing around Christmas or her birthday, though. A vindictive ex-fiancee could argue that the ring wasn’t actually a “conditional gift,” but rather a normal holiday gift that becomes irrevocable once you delivered it to her. I’m not sure how successful she’d be with this argument, but it never hurts to be too careful.

Thanks to the folks at Vincent Anthony Jewelry in Tulsa, OK for taking the time to answer some of my engagement ring questions.

Have any other engagement ring advice? Drop a line in the comment box!

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Editor’s note: Today we finish up our run of father-themed posts with an article from a different perspective. While having an awesome dad can help you become an awesome man, growing up fatherless can also motivate you to become better than your dad was. Andrew Galasetti used his less then perfect childhood as a springboard into honorable manliness.

Mr. Galasetti is an entrepreneur and the main writer of Lyved.com a blog focusing on various aspects of life and living it to the fullest. Lyved has published a number of popular articles which you may view here. Andrew invites you to keep in touch with him on Twitter.

Like millions of people, I grew up in a single parent household. My mother divorced my father before I was in kindergarten. My father was a drug user and drinker, beat my mom often, and generally made her life a living hell. After they divorced, my older sister and I would still visit with our father on weekends. But as we grew older, he slowly drifted away from us, until one day, he packed up all his belongings and moved to another state without even a “goodbye.” I was about 10 years old at the time.

From then on we never heard from him, not even with a simple birthday card. It’s been over a decade since he left, so for the majority of the crucial developmental times of my youth, I had no father.

As we all know, growing up in a single-parent household means that the children are more likely to live close or at the poverty line while the parent tries to make ends meet. This is very difficult for everyone, and growing up fatherless brings its own set of difficulties for boys.

The statistics about single-parent households make you believe that every boy who grows up with one parent ends up on drugs, unsuccessful, and in prison, but that’s simply not true. Because of growing up fatherless, I have stayed away from destructive activity and crime and have instead moved into being a successful entrepreneur and towards a mission of changing millions of lives in a positive way.

I was taught a lot of things about being a man from growing up fatherless. Here are 6 lessons that I learned:

#1 Having a child makes you a father but not a “dad”

“What’s the difference?” you might be asking. Well, a father is a proper term for a male that produces a child. But in the eyes of a kid, a father is a “dad” or “daddy.” It’s a name that has to be earned; earned by being supportive of your child both financially and mentally. You don’t become a “dad” without working hard for it or without being there whenever your kids need you.

#2: A man needs to be self-sufficient

Don’t depend on someone else or a trust fund for your well-being and livelihood. At any moment, either could disappear from your life. I was fortunate to realize at an early age that no one is going to hand me my dreams or what I need in life, and that I need to go out there and capture it myself.

Since we live in modern times we aren’t required to farm and hunt to survive on our own. Self-sufficiency is different; it’s now more about thriving as a man than just surviving. These days we can gain self-suficency by doing things like:

• Gaining a varied education
  

Be open-minded to various cultures, subjects, views, and people. The more things you experience and the more subjects you are knowledgeable about, the more situations you can handle. Seek valuable skills that will make you an asset to employers and communities.

• Not letting fear stop you

Fear is probably the biggest obstacle for most people. It keeps us from success, keeps us from getting what we need, and it keeps us dependent on other people.

#3: Becoming a man doesn’t come with age

Though the law considers any male 18 and over as a “man,” a boy becomes a true man through experiences and by learning from those experiences. Sometimes this can take years past the age of 18 to happen.

Through experience a boy becomes a man by:

• Taking ownerships of failure

• Letting go of stubbornness and accepting lessons

• Knowing how to handle challenging situations and fixing their incorrect reactions and attitudes

• Learning more about themselves

#4: Blaze your own path instead of following someone’s footsteps

I can’t understand why so many young men decide to do exactly what their fathers did with their lives. You may be thinking that it’s easy for me to say this because all I had to aspire to was becoming a drinker, drug user, and abusive deadbeat. But besides that, my father did work; he did construction and odd jobs. That’s a common career that sons decide to pursue because their fathers did.

Any work is worthy work and if  what your dad does or did really is your passion too, then that’s great. But for me, I wanted something different, something more exciting and something that had never been done before. Here’s a great quote that  makes you rethink following so closely in someone’s footsteps:

We are not here to do what has already been done. – Robert Henri

Men go down the path less-traveled and never traveled.

#5: Mental strength is often more necessary than physical

No matter how strong my father is physically, mentally he is weak. He didn’t have the conviction to be a dad. If you want to be a man of great courage and accomplishment, it isn’t going to happen just by hitting the gym and lifting weights. A courageous man stands up for the weak, stands up for what he believes in, faces fear, failure, and criticism. He’s not afraid of responsibility and seeing things through to the end.

#6: Your father doesn’t need to be your father figure

If you have a father who’s incarcerated, or who left you, or who didn’t have much success in life, look for a father figure in someone else. Every man needs a father figure, even far into adulthood. You don’t even need to know him personally, and he doesn’t even need to be alive. Most successful men leave a legacy and lessons behind, whether in a book or video. You can then read, watch, and practice their advice; just like any other father figure. My four most influential father-like figures are Chris Gardner, Andrew Carnegie, Richard Branson, and Randy Pausch.

In addition to studying the lives of great men, seek the companionship and camaraderie of male friends. As Wayne has said, as you open up to these men, they can become “father figures” to you as well.

What a man is and what a man isn’t

So growing up in a fatherless home is something that I’m now proud of experiencing. It has made the line between a boy and a man much clearer for me.

For a quick synopsis and a few more lessons, here is a list of what I learned a man isn’t and what a man is from growing up fatherless:

A man isn’t:

• Someone who runs from his responsibilities

• A person who makes excuses

• A person who strikes a woman

• Selfish

• A man through age – a boy grows into a man through experience

A man is:

• Someone who stands up for something they believe in, even when they’re fearful

• A person who creates a new path

• Open-minded

• A “dad” when he earns it

Were you brought up in a fatherless home? Or do you know someone who was? Please feel free to share your story and any lessons you learned in the comments below.

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Editor’s note: Father’s Day is this weekend and you may have noticed that here on AoM we’ve been running some father-themed posts. We have a couple more for you, including today’s essay by Joel Schwartzberg. Mr. Schwartzberg is an award-winning essayist whose new book is “The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad.” This essay is excerpted from that book.

For a micromoment, my eight year-old son Charlie and I just stared blankly at the hot dog resting beside our feet as if we expected it to suddenly anthropomorphize, brush itself off, and hop agreeably back onto the grill.

We had just spent an hour putting the grill together, screw by tiny screw. Charlie helped me lug it to the small patch of grass outside our apartment, and together we arranged the charcoal into a nice, tight pyramid. Once the coals were coated white, Charlie asked if he could use the heavy tongs to move the hot dogs. I wasn’t sure he was strong enough to keep the long tongs pinched, and these three were all we had. But Charlie was excited about extending his term of responsibility, so I let him try.

“Use two hands,” I said.

He carefully grabbed a frankfurter with the tongs, but as soon as he shifted his feet toward the grill, the pinchers sprung open, and the hot dog dropped onto the damp dirt. No five-minute, five-hour, or five day rule would save this dog. It was history.

There’s a TV commercial for a brand of paper towel in which a Dad and his young son are lounging on a couch behind a coffee table. On the table are two glasses of juice. The father stretches and places his feet on the table. The adorable son mimics his father, placing his own feet on the table. Naturally, the kid knocks over his juice, which spills everywhere.

The kid looks at his Dad with a fearful look so exaggerated it’d make a mime blush. Will he get sent to his room? Yelled at? Viciously beaten?

No. The Dad just smiles and knocks over his own drink. Son is relieved. Cue Mommy, who looks sharply at Dad.

Will Dad be sent to his room? Yelled at? Viciously beaten? We’ll never know. But I have yet to meet a father who’d handle such a moment this way. Certainly not me, having been raised in a home were childish mistakes and other immaturities were the behavior of “retards,” “dummies,” and “shmegeggies.”

I’m above calling my son names – even Yiddish ones – but not always able to resist doling out disappointment, even for tiny mistakes like dropping a hot dog. I felt the words stepping up to the batter’s box in my head.

“Come on!”

“What’s the matter with you?”

“I KNEW that would happen.”

“Charlie…” I started, but my son took my lines and rewrote them.

“I’m sorry.  I’m so stupid!” he said, slamming his tiny fists into his thighs. “I’m an idiot! An idiot!”

I painfully recognized both the tone and the words, like a song from my childhood.

When I was 10, my parents bought me an expensive, life-sized ventriloquist’s dummy. I coveted the thing dearly, but once while I was playing with it, the jaw stopped responding to my tugs. It hung perfectly still while I frantically pulled the string. Then, the string broke.

I cried until my eyes were dry. ”Idiot,” I said to myself. “Stupid, stupid idiot!”

Desperate to avoid my parents’ disappointment, I rolled up the doll, wrapped it in a plastic bag, and secretly buried it in a dumpster behind the apartment. It was a very undignified way to die, even for a dummy. The doll’s sudden disappearance was a major family mystery for 20 years.

Watching Charlie psychologically pummel himself was like looking through a one-way mirror; I saw him clearly, but also my own ghostly reflection staring back. My mother tells stories of how I used to throw terrible tantrums in my room, tossing clothes, tearing books, and breaking toys in a tearful tsunami that ended only when I exhausted myself. My parents saw it as outward anger. In truth, I was punishing myself; I felt undeserving of all I had.

I so wanted to do for my son what wasn’t done for me – to hug him, to console him, to insert myself between him and his hate. But even that impulse felt unnatural, as if I were trying to control an involuntary organ. I wanted to say something healing, but it’s futile to tell a kid to stop feeling what he’s feeling, no matter how much my own mother tried.

So I impulsively picked up the hot dog and chucked it deep into a neighboring yard.

My son looked at me.

“That should make Luna happy,” I said, in reference to the feathery white cat who routinely patrols the back alley of my apartment.

Charlie nodded.

I offered him the tongs. ”Another try?”

After a moment, he took them from my hands.

I don’t remember if Charlie’s next hot dog survived its short journey or not. It didn’t matter. We simply comforted each other as best we knew how, and moved past what had fallen between us.

If you enjoyed this essay, be sure to check out Joel’s new book, The 40 Year Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad

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We all know about the importance of fathers spending time with their sons. The relationship a boy has with his father greatly shapes the man he will become in the future. You can help mold your boy into a man you’ll be proud of by taking him on special father/son activities. These kinds of activities allow you to spend some needed one on one time with your boy. And they’re particularly conducive to bonding. Men don’t like to sit face to face and talk about their feelings. It’s much easier to open up when we’re doing something side by side, and we can just let the talk flow naturally as we cast a fishing line or tinker with tools.

Below we’ve come up with a list of 11 awesomely manly activities that you can do with your son to strengthen the paternal bond with him. You can even do these with your own father to re-connect with him as well.

Fishing

A father and son fishing is an iconic image of paternal bonding. Andy Griffith took Opie fishing all the time and look at the relationship they had.  This fishing stuff really works. But seriously, I’m sure we all remember the time when our dad’s taught us how to rig a line or make our first cast or how he beamed with pride when we caught our first fish. Make sure to bring your camera so you can document the big one your son catches.

Playing Catch

America’s pastime has brought fathers and sons together for over a century. Sure, it’s a bit cliche, but there’s something about playing catch with a baseball that can really bond a father and son. What’s nice about a playing catch with your son is that it can provide opportunities to really open up and have deep conversations with him about life. Even if you don’t get all philosophical, the time you spend in the front yard showing your son how to throw a split seam will be a memory he’ll keep for the rest of his life.

The father/son bonding power of playing catch is so real, it even lasts beyond the grave!

Building a Pinewood Derby Car

If your son is in Scouts, he’ll most likely take part in the pinewood derby. Working with your son to build the fastest car at the race can definitely bring a father and son together. However, fight the temptation to high-jack the project from your son and do it all yourself. First, it’s bad form. The pinewood derby is supposed to be a competition between the boys, not between over-competitive fathers. Second, when you make the car all by yourself, you’re missing out on an opportunity to show your son how to cut and sand wood or how to paint. These are skills that your son will call upon the rest of his life. Moreover, your son is more likely to remember the time spent building the car with you than whether his car won. I know that’s what I remember when I think back to my pinewood derby days. So instead of being the chief, just be a guide.

Camping

What better place to re-connect  with your son (and your masculinity) than in the great outdoors? The teaching opportunities on a camping trip are endless. For starters, you can show your son how to start a fire, how to navigate with a compass, how to use a pocket knife, how to identify plants and animals, and how to tie basic knots. Besides all the practical knowledge you can pass down, sitting around a campfire give you a chance to to pass on some manly wisdom on life.

Building a Model Rocket

Building a model rocket is sort of like building a pinewood derby car with your son, except a model rocket involves fuses and combustion; two things that are bound to excite any boy. While you’re building the rocket, you can inspire your son with stories of daring test pilots and brave astronauts. Who knows? Maybe your time building and shooting off a rocket will lead to a career in space engineering.

Going to a Sporting Event

There’s nothing like watching sports to bring men together. Instead of rooting for your favorite team from the living room couch, pack up the car and take your son to watch them live and in person. You can teach your son how to snag a foul ball or  show him how to score a baseball game by hand. Buy the kid a hot dog and a team jersey and he’ll be on cloud 9 for weeks. Whatever sport you go watch, your son will definitely remember that day for the rest of his life.

Working on a Car

When your son graduates from pinewood derby races, it’s time to start working on a real life car with him. Sadly, many men today (myself included) are utterly clueless when it comes to basic car maintenance. You can ensure that your son is one of those few self-reliant men by teaching him how to change the oil or brakes on his car. If you’re one of those men who doesn’t know how to do basic car maintenance, make it a project to learn together with your son. If you and your son have oil changes down pat, take on the challenge of restoring an old beater into pristine condition. The satisfaction you’ll get as your son puts the key into the ignition and she roars to life will be unmatchable.

Hunting

Hunting is a perfect time to bond with your son. Why? Well, if you’ve never been hunting, you pretty much sit around in a blind all day. That gives you plenty of time to talk shop with your son. Talk sports, talk politics, or talk about how you’re freezing your asses off. Just talk. Also, it gives you another chance to pass on some man skills like how to track an animal or how to handle a gun. Even if you don’t bring home a trophy, you’ll both come back with plenty of memories

Road Trip

Road trips can definitely be conducive to father/son bonding. Being in a car for hours on end provides ample time to talk and connect with your son. A father/son road trip can be as simple as a day drive to watch a baseball game or a complex cross-country journey that takes you to new and interesting places. Just make sure he leaves his gadgets at home or else you’ll never talk to him.

Go to the Barber Shop

Initiate your son into the temple of manliness known as the barber shop. Visiting the barber shop with your son is a great way to spend a Saturday morning together. You can chew the fat with other men, get a sharp hair cut, and if your son is lucky, he’ll get a piece of gum from the barber after he’s done.

Service Project

Teach your son the importance of giving back by taking him to do a service project with you. There are few qualities as important to exemplify to your son than that of  being service-oriented. Opportunities to serve are all around us. Sign up for Habitat for Humanity, and show your son how to hammer and paint correctly. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. It will give your son a chance to rub shoulders with different kinds of people, and he’ll hopefully walk away with a better appreciation for what he has and a bit more compassion for his fellow man.

Have any other ideas for father/son activities? Share them with us in the comments.

• How to Build a 1st Place Pinewood Derby Car
• The Art of Manliness Weekend Roundup: Vacation Edition
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• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 30: Get a Straight Razor Shave
• Throw a Classy Bachelor Party

Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Mike Arnot, the founder of GroomGroove.com, the leading wedding-related website for grooms, the best man and groomsmen. Recently featured in The New York Times and now on AoM, Mike and the guys at GroomGroove.com are finding the manly stuff in weddings, all from a guy’s perspective.

***
“Mike, these wedding invitations are cut all crooked,” my then-fiancée (now awesome wife) said, with a healthy dose of disgust directed my way.

I immediately got that cold sweat one gets when they realize they’ve screwed something up, royally -  something to which they should’ve been paying closer attention.

As you undoubtedly have no idea, ordinarily when things like wedding invitations are found to be defective, the prospective bride simply returns the offending items to the quaint paperie from whence they came, like she’d return a pair of high heels to a shoe store. No muss, no fuss.  Except here, there was no store. No owner to chastise.

Only me, and I was guilty as charged.

You see, as part of my wedding duties back in the day, I was tasked with cutting our homemade wedding invitations with a tabletop paper cutter – literally hewing perfection out of pink, purple and silver sheets of (expensive) paper. Our wedding invitations were cut “all crooked” because of my lack of attention to detail with the cutter. Because “you didn’t hold the cardboard square with the blade,” as my fiancée put it.

Like most men, I was not particularly interested in wedding planning, let alone invitation making. And I let it show. I now know that my wife saw my lack of interest in wedding planning as a lack of interest in the marriage. In many ways, because of my approach to the whole thing, I almost missed my own wedding. I’ve been seeking redemption for the crooked invitations and my general lack of interest in the events leading up to my wedding for several years now.

I offer the following advice in hopes that you can avoid my fate!

The Bride’s Big Day

It’s pretty easy for men to blame our lack of interest in weddings on the fact that weddings are typically frilly, overly pink, and bride-focused. After all, it’s the bride’s “Big Day.” It’s even called the “bridal” industry. My own wedding photographer referred to my groomsmen and I as “props” to showcase the bride. (We were well-dressed props!) However, bride-centrism is really no excuse. After all, if you’re diving in head-first with someone that you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with, and that person is really interested in throwing a great wedding to celebrate your…you know...commitment, get interested. (My dad recently told me that he couldn’t stand watching Family Ties with my mom, but did it precisely because she loved it. All those years, and he manned-up, just for her.)

A Rite of Passage

Despite bride-centrism, weddings are a rite of passage for men – they are one of the defining elements of manhood. (Indeed, some guys love weddings so much they have more than one in their lifetimes!) In some religions, marriage is one of the sacraments, and the wedding is the public manifestation of that sacrament. The wedding is the capstone on the culmination of trying to find a compatible mate. We’ve rejected some ladies in favor of others, and been on the receiving end of rejection. Once you’ve found The One, the wedding is meant to publicly declare to your friends and family that you’ve committed to this person. If you’re going to be spending all that money anyway (the average wedding comes in at $38,000) you may as well go out with a bang, and not a whimper.

So here are some tips that will help you avoid some of the painful parts of wedding planning, and quite possibly eek some fun out of your part of this rite of passage.

First, figure out your duties

As a prospective groom, there are plenty of things that you’re expected to take care of, many of which will be familiar to you if you’ve ever attended a wedding. This means relatively easy tasks like picking a best man and groomsmen and choosing a venue for your wedding reception. In fact, there’s a whole grocery list of groom’s duties that are on your plate, and many of them are time consuming. Familiarize yourself with the list by clicking on the link. (We’ve found that nothing snaps a guy to attention like the prospect of making a wedding speech in front of a couple of hundred friends and family.)

Make sure you handle your best man and groomsmen

The easiest way to make sure you’re doing your part is to handle your best man and groomsmen. That means making sure they know what they’re expected to do, and when. Above all, make sure your wingman knows his best man duties. (Turns out he has a lot on his plate, too.) That includes getting fitted for a suit or tux, springing to attend the wedding and possibly even making a wedding toast. All too often, grooms will delegate these tasks to their bride, as if she doesn’t have enough things on her to-do list already. “Hello, dog house! It’s nice to be here.”

Take charge of some of the things that are fun to plan

Other than your typical duties, you can also take on wedding planning duties that will actually be of interest to you. Here are some examples:

Handle the Wedding Transportation

My favorite wedding to attend as a groomsman was when the groom arranged for each groomsman to have matching BMWs. Now that was a fun weekend, particularly the parts involving small stretches of blacktop. Antique cars? Benzes? Horse and Carriage? Vintage Trans-Am? If you’re a groom and take charge of the wedding cars, you’ll have free reign.

Figure out what to wear

What’s the point of reading Esquire, GQ or the Art of Manliness if, on your own wedding day, you’re wearing whatever your fiancée thought would look good? If you think you and the boys would look awesome in new midnight blue suits a la JFK, do you really want to be relegated to a cheap, poly-blend rental? We suggest that you learn about the options when it comes to wedding tuxedos and attire. You might not really understand the distinctions between white-tie and black-tie, or the point of a cummerbund, but you’ll be happy to have figured out what makes you look like James Bond, rather than a medium-sized, black and white penguin wearing ill-fitting drapes.

Plan the Honeymoon

I don’t know about you, but I work for the weekend and for vacations. And nothing gets me more pumped than planning a killer vacation – be it with the boys or with my wife. I planned our honeymoon – soup to nuts – and made sure we combined a tropical beach with some classic golf courses nearby. Sure, I made sure to plan some spa treatments, but my wife and I played leisurely rounds of golf every day. (To add some excitement, I didn’t let my wife in on any of the details until our wedding day). Take charge of the honeymoon. It’s the least stressful part of wedding planning, and it gives you an opportunity to bust out some romance and really shine.

Plan the Floral Arrangements

Just kidding. Don’t do that.

***
There are plenty of interesting things to make the wedding planning process painless. The guys at GroomGroove.com know that wedding flowers, invitations and dresses don’t hold our interest. Indeed, if you’re asked to cut wedding invitations or tie some bows, it may not seem manly.

But as I learned the hard way, cutting pink, purple and silver paper, and getting involved with wedding planning really is manning-up. Follow these tips, and you won’t miss your own wedding.

• Throw a Classy Bachelor Party
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Q:

My wife and I got into an argument the other night about how many hours she has been working at her job. I would like her home more. I let things cool down a bit and did not speak with her again that night. The next day, I thought I would apologize to her for getting into an argument. But when I texted her, she responded with a snide remark. As hard as I tried to make things right, it just turned into another argument. It seems like no matter how hard I try, she is not willing to make up. Should we go to counseling?

A:

Hold on, let me get my police issue bullhorn. Testing one two. Okay. “PUT DOWN THE PHONE. REPEAT, PUT DOWN THE PHONE. IF YOU VALUE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, STEP SLOWLY AWAY FROM YOUR TEXTING DEVICE.”

Let’s talk about texting. I’ll get back to your marriage in a moment.

Call me old-fashioned (believe me, it won’t be the worse thing I’ve been called) but I just don’t believe that all of our problems can be solved with technology…or pharmaceuticals (something I’ve mentioned here in a previous column). Some things should be handled old school. In this case, we’re talking about…well, talking.

If you care about her, AND you’re dealing with a touchy topic, do not text, do not email, do not Twitter. Really, don’t you think your relationship deserves more than 140 characters?

If everything is just peachy, then sending an I love you is swell. But if you’re wanting to apologize, explain, plan, express feelings, offer support, debate or disagree, DO NOT do it electronically. If you must, pick up the phone. But this old guy’s advice is to do it face-to-face.

Relationships are complicated. Most men don’t do complicated very well. That’s why we need to keep it simple. Now-let me know if I’m going too fast for you-when we…talk…face-to-beautiful-face with our women, we can see them and they can see us. If they seem to be misunderstanding us, we can change our words, or adjust our eyebrows, to alter our message. When we talk in-person to those we care about, all of the complicated nuances of interpersonal communication happen naturally.

When we go electronic, all bets are off. Only the very talented can maintain any sense of nuance. And even then, both sides have to either still be in their honeymoon period, or know each other ridiculously well to avoid all possibility of confusion.

Let me give you a real-life example of how texting can foul up your intended meaning. For this column, I texted my 18-year-old son and asked him how he abbreviates a few phrases when he texts. He sent me a short message. I responded with great. He then responded with was that ok? I knew immediately that he thought my great was sarcastic, as if I was disappointed with what he gave me. But that was inaccurate. I thought it was awesome. I called him to verify my suspicion. And yes, he had inferred sarcasm when none had been implied. Now, that was between two men discussing nothing of any significance at all!

Cut to…you and your wife in the middle of an argument and your need to apologize, for being a jerk, via text.

One of the BetterMen Tools is “Don’t Argue,” (get a copy of my book to find out why I’m so adamant about not arguing) so I can see why you’d want to apologize. Now that you know to wait until you see her at home, let’s switch gears to the nature of your argument.

You’d like her home more. I don’t know what your financial situation is, but I assume you’d survive if she worked less. My suspicion is that you value what she does for you at home more than you value how her work makes her feel. I say this because the only reason you got into an argument with her was because you weren’t listening to her. What you wanted to communicate was more important to you than your wife.

Go back home, apologize for trying to apologize via text (oy, this is getting complicated) and then gently let her know that you miss her and wondered whether the two of you could discuss a new balance between work and home. You don’t need counseling to turn this around. You just need to care. Hope this helps. g2g c u l8r

Got a relationship question for Wayne? Email him @: askwayne@bettermen.org

Wayne M. Levine, M.A., mentors men to be better men, husbands and fathers. See how you can become a better man at www.BetterMen.org.

©2009 BetterMen®

• The Art of Manliness Podcast Episode #9: An Interview with Wayne Levine from BetterMen.org
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I’m not going to lie, when I first heard that we were having a girl, a small tinge of disappointment hit me; I’d really been hoping for a boy.  I know, turn me in for the jerk-of-the-year award.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want a girl, it was just that I didn’t know how I would relate to, or help raise a sex that preferred tea parties to a rugby match.

It was easy to imagine how I would bring up a boy.  Strict discipline mixed with love and honor, lessons of wilderness survival, famous battles, endless wrestling matches and instruction in being a gentleman.  A girl on the other hand?  The idea terrified me.  Pictures of puberty, boy band concerts, awkward dad moments and an embarrassed/annoyed daughter helped convince me that I wasn’t cut out for the task of raising a daughter.

Part of my misunderstanding came from being raised as an only child, growing up around boys via various sports teams, then attending a military academy with a 6:1 guy to girl ratio.  Let’s just say, while I appreciated the opposite sex, I knew very little about them other than they confused me and smelled nice.

Then my daughter was born and my theories were immediately tossed out the hospital window.  She was beautiful, and I quickly took to being her father.  She was mine and I was hers.  My heart melted inside me the first time I held her and later, when she said “Dada!” and held out her arms to hug me.  The fears I once had about not being able to love a girl as much evaporated as I became the ridiculously proud parent I’d always mocked.

Now, my daughter is still just a toddler, so I know that I have many, many lessons still to learn (a fact that nearly kept me from writing this post in the first place).  The teenage years still loom ahead like a storm on the horizon taunting me…with tongue piercings and glittery lip gloss.  But, even with only a short time under my belt, my daughter has taught me some incredibly important lessons that I never would have picked up had she not blessed my wife and me with her presence.

1) Men are born to protect. Regardless of whether it has gone out of fashion in today’s society, deep in the heart of every man is a desire to protect his loved ones.  To make sure that they feel safe when you’re around, like the calming presence of a strong lion protecting the rest of the pride.  Though I’m sure that this instinct is there with boys as well, the strong conviction I have to protect my daughter is greater than nearly anything I’ve felt in my life.  It isn’t a feeling that has to be worked up, it’s just there, like cement, daring someone to move it.

Taking on the protector role means carrying yourself a bit differently.  Rather than wandering aimlessly down any dark alley, I now am more aware of my surroundings and where I am taking my baby.  I also find myself a bit less sympathetic when other people’s reckless actions invade my daughter’s life.  I used to work out mostly for vanity; I wanted to look good.  Now, I work out knowing that I could be the sole person standing between an intruder and my wife and child.  And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the time I’ve spent developing intimidation tactics for future boyfriends.  Good luck Johnny brace-face.

2) Girls keep a man’s heart from growing too hard. Perhaps it’s because I went to a military academy, or spent too much time watching “Gladiator,” but I realized after the birth of my daughter that my heart had grown a bit hard.  My compassion, patience and grace were all lacking.  I firmly believed that “second place was the first loser,”  “Pain was just weakness leaving the body,” etc.  I had great pride in the discipline and efficiency through which I ran my life and home.  These tough-guy attitudes suddenly seemed a bit ridiculous as I would look into the eyes of an innocent little girl content with blowing bubbles, chasing butterflies and eating copious amounts of cheese.

It’s not that I have now become a bumbling mess of emotion and softness since the birth of my daughter, but I have allowed myself to accept that not everything in life is simply a resource that must be dedicated to some ultimate victory.  If we don’t get all of our chores done it’s not the end of the world.  My car used to be spotless, now it has crushed cheerios and toys strewn about the back seat…who cares!  With a child in one’s life, schedules and plans become much more flimsy.  When my daughter cries I don’t try to numb the pain with a motivational talk, I just hug her.  She’s kept my heart clean.

3) Every girl is some man’s daughter - There is no doubt that certain levels of sexism still remain alive in our culture today.  Until I had a daughter I gave the idea very little thought.  It had no direct impact on me, and I tried my best to be respectful to women, so why should I care?  Raising a daughter and beginning to think about her future has caused me to reconsider my views on sexism, the glass ceiling, even the role of women in the advertising and entertainment industries.  I’m sure most guys are like I was, giving a sigh and roll of the eyes when HR begins their annual training on sexual harassment, but things are a little different when the victim could someday be your daughter.

I once heard a lecture concerning America’s sex-saturated society.  The gentleman discussed pornography, sexual addiction and abuse, but one comment caused the whole audience to go startlingly silent.  “Every time you choose to view pornography, attend a strip club, solicit a prostitute, or in any other way, treat a woman like a piece of flesh rather than a person, remember one thing:  That girl is some man’s daughter.”  Men sat silently, the ones with daughters trembled at the idea of some man treating their daughter with such disrespect.  Women aren’t just peers, co-workers, friends…they’re daughters.

4) Slow Down – The other day my friend and I were walking to the library with my girl.  She just learned to walk a few months ago so she was a bit sporadic.  Speeding up, giggling, slowing down, stopping to pick up a stray leaf.  As we watched her take in the world around her, my friend commented, “Wouldn’t it be awesome if a walk to the library was this much fun?”  I chuckled for a moment, but realized this was one of the true blessings having a small child in my life brought to the table.  The reminder to slow down and enjoy the small, seemingly insignificant moments of life.  The ones that I had previously tried to fast forward or multi-task my way through.

I once heard a friend’s mom tell her kids before leaving on a long trip overseas, “Wherever you are, there you are.“  The sage words have stuck with me for years as they reveal a life philosophy which refuses to take a moment for granted.  How often do we talk to our friends while trying to check our e-mail on our iPhone, or let our minds think about the rest of the day’s errands as a loved one tries to connect with us?  Children live life much differently; they take their time, fully engaging one task at a time, not too concerned with what lies ahead or behind.  Maybe we could learn a thing or two from them.

5) Living for someone else -

“No man has ever risen to the real stature of spiritual manhood until he has found that it is finer to serve somebody else than it is to serve himself.” – Woodrow Wilson

Marriage is the first lesson most of us receive in learning to live for someone other than ourselves.  And just when we start to think we might have that lesson down, children shatter all our notions of self-righteousness.  Waking up at all hours of the night, changing diapers, feeding, cleaning…all these things are necessary parts of raising a healthy child, and they have been pivotal in forcing me to abandon some of my selfish habits.  My daughter could care less about my well-thought-out schedule or whether or not I have a flight early the next morning.  She continually challenges me to love her regardless of convenience.

I wrote previously that one of the greatest tests of manhood is whether or not one has learned to abandon their life in the service of another.  This idea makes some people’s skin crawl, but thus far it’s been one of the truest indicators of real manhood I’ve been able to find.  It doesn’t take much effort to be selfish.  In fact, it’s one of the most natural ways for us to live.  Children plop into our lives as miniature insurgents, waging war with our lifestyle of “me first.”  My daughter has opened my eyes to the beautiful struggle parents face in giving their lives to their children.  It isn’t comfortable, and often times it flat out hurts, but it builds a depth of character that can only be understood by others who have traveled a similar path.

For years men have been raising daughters into young women.  It used to scare me, it still scares me, but I’ll give my life away in pursuit of it any day.

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