Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Tony Valdes.

As this series on listening comes to a close (see part 1 and part 2), we should consider a few things in terms of the transition from listener to speaker.  When the time comes for the roles to shift, our responses to the messages of others will most often be one of the following: asking questions, agreeing, disagreeing, or qualifying.  It is the first and last items on that list that we will examine here.

Asking Questions

When we ask questions, we are not only showing that we are listening, but we are also helping the speaker to communicate effectively with us.  The ability to ask good questions also helps us to learn and can even have social rewards.

Questions can come in many forms.  Some are basic, others are quite demanding of both the questioner and the questioned.  As we consider how to ask thoughtful, productive questions, Bloom’s Taxonomy will be a helpful framework with which to view things.  It establishes six levels of thinking, starting with the most basic and building up to what is known as “higher order thinking.”  The levels, starting with the base, are as follows:

• Knowledge (building awareness of a topic)
• Comprehension (understanding a topic)
• Application (knowledge and comprehension put to practical use)
• Analysis (how the topic “works” and/or affects other topics)
• Synthesis (combining knowledge, comprehension, application, and analysis of multiple topics together)
• Evaluation (judging the value of a topic)

Higher order questions such as analysis, synthesis, and evaluation are not only more difficult to develop, but also more difficult to answer.  Familiarity with these levels allows us to identify where any particular question lands within the scale of complexity.  Don’t feel compelled to operate solely out of the higher level questions.  There is nothing wrong with basic questions; they form the backbone of critical thinking and daily life.  As is true of most things, a healthy balance is the key.

On that note, don’t feel the need to ask questions about everything, either.  We could think of it like we think about food: we need to eat, but we do not need to eat all the time.  We choose when to eat and when to refrain.  The same thing applies to questions.  Use your discretion.  When is it a genuine question and when are you just using a question as some sort of filler (or as a way to make yourself seem smart)?

Question Templates

When teaching my students the finer points of discourse, I provide them with a series of templates that they can use (or modify) as they continually work to improve their style and voice in writing.  The templates act sort of like training wheels on a bicycle: once you understand how it’s done, you don’t need them anymore, but while you’re learning it’s nice to have them there.

The same principle can apply for us here as we learn to ask better questions.  The templates below give us a clear framework for how to develop questions with a variety of goals, ranging from simple clarification to asking questions about questions.  Reading over the templates a time or two can prod your mind into thinking of good questions to ponder when someone is speaking, keeping you more engaged as you listen, and provide fodder for questions to pose aloud when appropriate. You’ll notice that these question templates apply much of what we just discussed about Bloom’s Taxonomy in a practical way.

I should note that I cannot take credit for developing the following templates, nor do I have the foggiest idea as to who first developed this particular set; I assume it was something I wrote down or photocopied during graduate school, but the original author has been lost to time.

Questions of Clarification

These are “basic” questions that help us comprehend meaning

• What does he/she mean by _____?
• What is the main point of _____?
• How does _____ relate to _____?
• Does he/she mean _____ or _____?
• Could you give me an example of _____?
• Would _____ be an example of _____?
• Why does he/she say that?

Questions that Examine Reasons and Evidence

These are more complex questions that target why certain things are said or done.

• How do you know _____?
• Why do you think _____ is true?
• Is there any evidence for _____?
• Is there any evidence that _____?
• What difference does _____ make?
• What are his/her reasons for saying _____?
• Are the reasons for _____ adequate?
• What led him/her to believe _____?
• How does _____ apply to _____?
• Is there a reason to doubt _____?
• Who could confirm that _____ is true?
• Can someone else give evidence to support the view that _____?

Questions that Examine Assumptions

These are more complex questions that target what is being implied (things not being said directly).

• What is he/she assuming?
• All of his/her reasoning depends on the idea that _____.  Why is his/her reasoning based on _____ instead of _____?
• He/she seems to assume that _____.  What is the reasoning for that assumption?
• Why would someone make that assumption?

Questions about Viewpoints and Perspectives

These are more complex questions that target worldviews and beliefs. 

• What does _____ imply?
• When he/she says _____, is he/she implying _____?
• If _____ happened, what else would happen as a result?  Why?
• What effect would _____ have on _____?
• If _____ and _____ are true, then what might also be true?
• If we say that _____ is right, then would _____ be right too?
• How might _____ respond to this issue?
• How would you answer the objection that _____ would make?
• How are _____’s and _____’s ideas alike?  How are they different?
• How does _____ compare to Scripture?

Questions that Examine Implications and Consequences

These are more complex questions that target cause and effect relationships.

• What effect would _____ have?
• Could _____ really happen?
• Is there an alternative to _____?
• If _____ happened, what else would happen as a result?  Why?
• When is _____ too much?

Questions about Questions

These are questions that allow us to evaluate the questions that we ask.

• Can we break this question down at all?
• Is this question clear?  Do we understand it?
• Does this question ask us to evaluate something?  What?
• Do we all agree that _____ is the heart of the question?
• To answer this question, what other questions must be answered first?
• Is this question easy or hard to answer?  Why?
• Why is this question important?
• Does this question lead to other important issues and questions?

Keep in mind that these may be modified to fit various situations as well as your particular style, of course, which is the beauty of templates.

The Social Benefits of Questions

Questions do not have to be used exclusively for clarity.  There is much to be said for the aphorism that a person’s favorite subject is himself.  Asking questions can be a way to clarify, a way to learn, or simply a good social tool.  People love to talk about themselves, and asking questions is a great way to show interest and develop new relationships with people.  I find that when you ask questions, eventually most people (unless they are a sufferer of conversational narcissism) will start to feel the one-sided nature of things and naturally extend the speaker role to you so you can have a turn. Since you have played the part of the gentleman, they have a desire to (and a good model of how to) show the same courtesy to you.  They will listen more attentively and will most likely ask questions in the same manner that you did.

What Is Qualifying?

Asking questions will be a very fluid, interactive time in which the role of speaker and listener will bounce back and forth quickly.  However, in the course of the conversation you will eventually be called upon to agree, disagree, or qualify on the issue at hand, whether it be as heady as philosophy or as simple as where to eat lunch.  Agreeing and disagreeing are straightforward, but qualification gives us room for a more complicated response to a speaker.

When we qualify, we are agreeing with a difference.  For example, you could agree that the public school system needs radical change, but you may disagree with the current solutions that are being implemented to achieve that goal.  It’s nice to know we have the option to qualify available to us, especially when we are concerned that listening equals complete agreement.

Qualification is also the essence of the Rogerian Method of argumentation, which I had mentioned briefly in the first installment in this series.  It will be helpful to elaborate on that now.  The Rogerian Method asks us to look at the person with whom we are arguing (or communicating) as a “colleague” rather than as an “opponent.”  Plainly stated, begin by giving the other person and their viewpoints respect.  The Rogerian Method then requires us to thoughtfully listen to what the other is saying, which, as we have been discussing, requires quite a bit of effort on our part.  The next step in the process begins our transition from listener to speaker.  We need to confirm that we have accurately understood what the other person has said, perhaps through restating the central idea(s) or asking questions to clarify.  Then, if at all possible, we want to find common ground with this “colleague” (remember, this is assuming that you have differing viewpoints and wish to persuade the other person towards your way of thinking).  Finding this common ground is a crucial step; it is a point of the topic being discussed upon which you can both agree. This can then be used as the springboard into the persuasive aspect of your response.  Starting at the point where all parties agree will make your colleague feel less defensive, and will makes your qualification–the point(s) on which you differ–seem slightly less foreign and the advantages of your perspective easier to see and (hopefully) accept.

The Golden Rule of Responding

The importance of respectfulness and tact in our responses cannot be overstated, regardless of whether we are asking questions, agreeing, disagreeing, or qualifying.  As gentlemen, we need not stoop to rude or abrasive responses.  Even the best listening can be nullified and the interaction ruined by boorish behavior.  You invest much as a listener; invest equally as much in your thoughtful responses to others.  And although most interactions call for some sort of verbal or non-verbal response, we can always choose not to respond (or to respond minimally) as common sense and discretion dictate; if we cannot show respect, it is better to step aside and maintain a dignified silence.

Concluding Thoughts

Listening can change our lives.  Learning to do it well is a significant step towards our goal to become better men.  The techniques we have examined in this series are fairly self-explanatory, but that does not mean they are easy.  Consider the sort of verbs involved with effective listening: hearing, attending, concentrating, comprehending, remembering, interpreting, re-creating, retaining, thinking, and responding (or choosing to not respond).  That’s a lot of work.  Another way to think of it is to assume that as a listener you will need to put forth 51% of the effort in the conversation.

Easier said than done, right?  It’s a long list of active steps we can take to overcome our old habits and establish new ones.  But, as the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day.  We have been practicing bad habits for most of our lives; good habits will not emerge overnight.  It will take time and practice, and like learning any new skill, there will be times when we will catch ourselves falling back into bad habits.  Choose a few of these areas to focus on in the next couple of weeks, and once you’ve gotten the hang of those, add a few more, and so on.  Before you know it, a whole new world will be opened to you.  And, let’s be honest, there will be people that we simply find impossible to tolerate listening to.  In spite of this, however, we can improve and reap the benefits if we’re willing to commit ourselves to genuinely paying attention to those around us.

Related posts:

1. Frequently Asked Questions: Part I
2. Listen Up! Part I: Learning the Manly Skill of Paying Attention
3. Listen Up! Part II: 15 Techniques to Improve Our Listening
4. The Art of Manliness Podcast Episode #32: Is There Anything Good About Men with Dr. Roy Baumeister (Part I)
5. Crafting the Life You Want: Gathering Your Tools

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Tony Valdes.

Welcome back to our three-part series on becoming better listeners.  In the previous installment, we established that listening is a desirable ability to have as men.  But how can we practically begin to exercise this ability and develop it in ourselves?  There are active steps we can take to overcome obstacles and establish new listening habits.  That is what we’ll tackle today.

Sharpening our listening skills is relatively easy to begin practicing since most of it is based on knowing what constitutes good listening and what doesn’t.  Remember: listening is not a passive process, so all of the techniques below are active, including the ones that are not visible to the speaker.

1. Listen with an open mind

Be ready to hear and consider all sides of an issue.  This does not mean that we have to agree with what is being said, but rather that we must avoid defensiveness.  Another way to think of it is to go into an interaction ready to consider new viewpoints and ideas.  If it helps, equate this with the scientific process we were taught ad nauseam during grade school.  Every opinion and perspective we encounter while listening can be viewed as the hypothesis that we, as diligent pseudo-scientist listeners, can examine and experiment upon.  And just as third grade science debunked my lack of faith that wet paper towels could actually cause a lima bean to sprout, our willingness to listen to a different perspective will sometimes yield surprising new insights for us.     

2. Listen to the entire message without judging or refuting

Suppress the urge to let biases and prejudices prevent you from listening fully.  We can only do one thing effectively at a time: listen, judge, or respond.  Go in that order.  You have to begin with listening to the entire message, then you can weigh your thoughts against what has been said, and finally respond.  Allow each role to run its course in turn.  When you are the listener, you cannot simultaneously be the judge.  Our minds do not work in categories quite so neatly, but when we make this effort to suppress or postpone our desire to make premature judgments we become better listeners.

A great way to prepare for this in advance is to be aware of what your biases are and then try to reason out why you feel this way.  What “buzz words” or topics generate a strong emotional reaction–either positive or negative–in you?  If you judge and then speak too soon, you’ve opened the possibility of having missed a critical part of the message and thus embarrassing yourself by jumping to conclusions.

3. Determine the concepts and central ideas of the message

The best gauge to know whether you are listening or just hearing is whether or not you are actively looking for the central idea(s) of what is being said.  This could easily morph into a whole other issue about the structure of a message, but that is not our focus here.  Here, we are the listener, and if the message is well-constructed then our role will be easier, but we will not always have that luxury.  A great technique, regardless of the speaker’s ability to construct a message, is to listen in such a way that you can summarize what you gleaned to be the central idea(s).  What are the common threads–the ideas that seem to weave their way into everything being said?  If the situation allows, you can then share your summary with the speaker and confirm (or revise) your understanding.  Doing this builds your confidence as a listener, plus it proves to the speaker that you were listening.

4. Learn to adapt to the speaker’s appearance, personality, and delivery

Don’t allow a stereotype–either negative or positive–to influence your listening.  Despite conventional wisdom against judging a book by its cover, we do so consciously and unconsciously every day.  Appearance can be a major factor, and not everyone is blessed with dashing good looks or the sartorial wisdom we find here at The Art of Manliness.  We’re just going to have to deal with it.  After all, Abraham Lincoln was no George Clooney.  The sixteenth president of the United States was a homely-looking fella, but his words changed the course of history.

Beyond appearance, we should also spend some time coming to peace with the fact that there are different personalities, styles, and levels of ability.  As an English teacher, I have to weigh these elements with every paper I grade, so I understand how tedious it is to cope with things that run against your grain even if they aren’t necessarily “wrong.” Although it is far from a quick fix, it can be helpful to study rhetoric so that you can recognize what the speaker does well, thereby giving you something positive to focus on and making it easier to listen.  Likewise, studying rhetoric allows you to understand where exactly a speaker falls short, thus eliminating phantom annoyances and allowing you to recognize and accept the stylistic and delivery shortcomings for what they are as you listen.

5. Curb and overcome distractions

It takes very little to jerk our attention away from the work of listening.  We start out in life as good listeners.  Think about how much a baby learns within the first few years of his or her life.  Yet babies don’t attend classes, read textbooks, or go to seminars.  They simply listen, and they do it so well that eventually they start behaving like little adults.  Over time, however, a series of bad habits begins to sprout up.  Dr. Paine shared the following statistics with us: when a teacher suddenly stopped in the middle of a lesson and asked students to explain the content of the lesson thus far, 90% of first grade students could do so successfully.  That number drops to 80% in second graders, then plummets to 44% in middle school students, and a gut-wrenching 28% in high school.  In other words, despite how well we start, our bad habits develop rather quickly.

If we are to become better listeners, we must learn to recognize the obstacles we face.  Listening can be hard work and we are fickle–you might be surprised at how little it takes to derail us, especially when most of us were already at 28% recall as teenagers.  Examples of obstacles we must overcome include:

• External noises (beeping, humming, etc.)
• Psychological activity (worry, self-consciousness, preoccupation, etc.)
• Physical conditions (temperature, odors, lighting, visual distractions, etc.)
• Physiological conditions (pain, hunger, fatigue, etc.)
• Semantic distractions (dialects, accents, unfamiliar vocabulary, etc.)
• Technological distractions (the urge to check your phone, surf the net, etc.)

Being aware of what is distracting us at any given moment is half the battle.  However, when we find ourselves in a situation where we cannot overcome the obstacle, there is nothing wrong with letting the speaker know and suggesting a solution, such as a change of setting or having the discussion at another time.  Doing so communicates that we want to give our full attention.  Being aware of those times when we simply cannot muster the ability to do it is important too.  Listening requires effort, and we cannot always exert effort in listening any more than we can always lift weights or solve crossword puzzles.  It is okay to recognize limitations and the need for rest.  It is also okay to admit when we have zoned-out or potentially misunderstood/misheard something.  Everyone suffers from poor listening, and the speaker would be hard-pressed to condemn you for recognizing your lapse and making amends for it.

6. Attempt to find a connection to or personal interest in the speaker’s topic

Develop an attitude that there is always something potentially interesting or valuable to be gleaned, even if that means confirmation that you don’t find something interesting or valuable.  After all, if you’re exerting the effort, you might as well take something away from it.  If you’ve already predetermined that you are uninterested, it would be a Herculean effort for even the best speaker to make the topic interesting.  But if we only did the things that were immediately interesting to us, think how much we would miss out on.  Also consider how often seemingly useless information has served you well.  Finding connections and personal interest requires self-discipline, but maintaining a positive attitude is essential to being a good listener, especially in those situations where we would rather not listen.

7. Remember that listening does not equal agreement

I’ll admit that, even after Dr. Paine’s lessons, one of my greatest obstacles to listening is the irrational fear that the speaker (or others) will perceive my listening as agreement.  We should remember, however, that listening does not equal agreement.  Listening does not force us to silence our own opinions, it just asks us to show respect to others.  All that listening actually communicates is a willingness to communicate–and nothing more.  I think Dr. Paine said it best in these two statements: “Listening demands neither surrender nor agreement; instead, listening demands an open mind” and “Listening actually provides a powerful way to bring about change because listening is thinking, because listening is action.”

8. Stop trying to jump in and talk

Pay attention for the “turn taking” signals that are normally a part of the ebb and flow of conversation.  Suppressing the urge to voice our thoughts and opinions the moment they form makes us better listeners.  At the root of this struggle we’ll often find our ego: we believe what we have to say is more important than what they have to say.  However, whether we intend it to or not these interruptions devalue their message, and it is often rude and offensive.  It’s not that we can’t share what we have to say, but we must train ourselves to wait until the appropriate time to do so.  It is simply part of the social contract we have with others and honoring it is important–let the other person talk, and you can expect that they extend the same courtesy to you.  Of course there is a time and a place for interruption, but there is no formula for it.  It is at the mercy of your discretion, but when it becomes necessary to do so–or when the old habit rears its head–it is good to be apologetic and acknowledge that you are interrupting; that sort of awareness goes a long way towards mending your deliberate violation of the other person’s right to speak.

9. Show the speaker you’re listening

It is possible to listen without showing any external signs of it, but a stone-faced audience is rarely what anybody wants.  Visibly and audibly demonstrating that we are listening–that we are engaged with and/or interested in what is being said–is just as important as the listening itself. The key is to provide appropriate feedback.  As an added bonus, it helps the speaker to adjust his/her message to make it clearer and more interesting.  Here are some of the things we can do to confirm to others that we are listening:

• Head nods
• Leaning forward
• Maintaining eye contact
• Taking notes when appropriate
• Verbal affirmation (asking questions of clarification, answering questions posed by the speaker when appropriate, and brief affirmations like “mrm-hrm”)

By contrast, here are many of the things we do, deliberately or not, which imply to others that we are not listening:

• Crossing our arms
• Fidgeting
• Multitasking
• Leaning away from the speaker
• Failing to make steady eye contact
• Failing to answer questions posed by the speaker

10. Pay attention to both verbal and non-verbal messages

Paying attention to body language is just as important as paying attention to the words.  If you need proof of the importance of body language, just think about how much more difficult it is to detect something like sarcasm during a phone conversation or in a text message without the benefit of seeing the person’s face and body. Without the ability to see another person’s facial expression, hand gestures, and other movements, we lose tremendous portions of the communication.  Don’t ignore it when you have the benefit of its presence!

11. Listen to silence

Like body language, an absence of words can be just as pregnant with meaning as the words themselves.  The tricky thing is that silence can imply almost anything.  It could signal anger (which of us has not been on the receiving end of the “silent treatment”?), anxiety, fear, shyness, or contentment, to name a few.  It could be something as simple as the need to think.  Not to complicate the matter, but silence can also mean nothing–literally.  And sometimes silence is just a pause; it is a moment of rest, and that’s okay.  In the film O Brother Where Art Thou?, Big Dan T the Bible salesman claims that the last thing you want is “air in the conversation,” which may be true if you are a fast-talking door-to-door salesman trying to push a product, but for the rest of us this couldn’t be further from the truth.  Silence gives everyone a chance to rest and think.  In fact, I find that the people I can have comfortable periods of silence with are those with whom I have the strongest relationships.   Try not to surrender to the urge to break silence–a little air in the conversation doesn’t hurt.  All of this should remind us of the importance of body language–listening is done with the eyes as much as it is with the ears.  A person’s body language will often give us the clues we need to interpret both words and the absence of words.

12. Plan to respond in some fashion

The situation will dictate what is appropriate and what is not (don’t blurt out questions in the middle of a eulogy, guys) but you should plan to find some way to respond to a speaker.  It might be simple non-verbal signals as the other person speaks.  It might be sharing your opinions, insights, or questions when the speaker has finished, perhaps in an email or handwritten letter, but do something to respond, even if it is small.

13. Ask questions to clarify the message

This is a positive way to show someone that you are listening.  I’m a high school teacher, so I know that makes me biased in this regard, but I believe the ability to ask questions is so important that we’ll be looking at it in great detail in the third part of this series. Sometimes asking a good question is more important than knowing the answer.

14. Take time to listen to yourself

We’ve already addressed the value of silence in a conversation and the pitfalls of the poor habits we so easily adopt.  But sometimes our worst habits and the least amount of silence are directed at ourselves.  Listening to yourself is a practice arena where you have unlimited opportunities to practice and the speaker (you) will be very forgiving when you stumble.  By listening to yourself, you are also better able to cope with obstacles such as prejudices and internal “noise.”  If your thoughts are in order, it will be much easier to attend to the thoughts of others.

Dr. Paine had entire assignments based wholly on listening to ourselves.  He would make a point to emphasize that the phones, televisions, and music should be off and that we find a comfortable place to be alone.  Eliminating the external distractions is only half the battle, though.  When listening to yourself, the internal racket is sometimes the greatest enemy.  Take time to sit in silence every so often–daily if you can–and listen to yourself without judgment or interruption.  Give the whirlwind of your thoughts however much time it needs to settle down.  What do you have to say to you?  For those of us who find even our emotions (let alone the emotions of others) to be an enigma most of the time–a veritable swamp of foggy confusion–silence is an invaluable way to untangle the knots.

15. Avoid faking attention and pretending to listen

The unique challenge that comes with learning to listen well is that we now know how to fake it.  But when someone thinks you were paying attention but in reality you weren’t, you are inviting trouble.  If the speaker notices, you are insulting him/her. If you are asked to respond in some way, then you will be caught unawares and will most likely suffer embarrassment.  And even if you can get away with it, you are gaining nothing except the reinforcement of bad habits.

No related posts.

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Tony Valdes.

As part of earning my bachelor’s degree in rhetoric and communications I elected to take SPC 3350, a college course titled “Listening,” taught by the forebodingly named Dr. Paine.  I’ll admit that I was skeptical when I sat down on the first day of class.  After all, is listening really something we have to learn to do?  According to Dr. Paine, yes, listening is a learned skill.  He made a distinction that has never left me: there is a significant difference between hearing and listening, and under no circumstances can those two words be considered synonymous.  Hearing is a biological function, and like breathing or blinking it happens whether you are consciously telling yourself to do it or not.  Listening, on the other hand, is a mental process.  It requires thought, effort, and practice.  As Dr. Paine described it, “Listening is the process of receiving, attending to, and assigning meaning to aural and visual stimuli.”

And learning to do it well can make all the difference for a man.

Let’s compare it to something we’re more likely to notice. We’ve all had that moment where, after turning through several pages of a novel, we suddenly realize we haven’t the faintest idea of what we just supposedly read.  We saw the words on the pages, but we didn’t actually take the time to process them mentally.  In other words, there is a difference between seeing and reading.  Seeing happens as long as your eyes are open.  It is a passive biological process.  But reading requires you to exert some brainpower.  It is an active process of making meaning.

When it comes to listening, we have a tendency to look at the words but never really “read” what our family, friends, and co-workers are saying.  But poor listening habits can be overcome.  As we press on towards becoming better men, the stereotype of the tuned-out male does not need to apply to us.

In this first installment of a three-part series, we’ll look at the overlooked emphasis of listening within our daily interactions, the three available levels of listening, and the benefits that are to be had by developing this skill at its highest level.

Listening in Perspective

You might be surprised how much we are required to listen in the course of an average day.  Yet, unlike many of the other essential skills in our lives that we have learned through some combination of schooling and experience, very little time has been devoted to training us as listeners.  The irony is that listening is the most frequently used and invaluable skill we could possibly have for our personal and professional lives.

Let’s put it in perspective with some of the emphasized aspects of communication.  Most of us probably received a minimum of twelve years of instruction on how to write well, yet it is a skill that is only used in approximately 9% of the average person’s daily communication.  Reading often receives between six and eight years of formal instruction, yet it only accounts for 16% of our communication.  Speaking receives a paltry one year of attention, perhaps two years if we’re lucky, and it is only 30% of our communication.  Listening, however, often receives less than a half-year of formal training, yet it makes up 45% of our daily communication.

It would seem that the myth of hearing and listening being equal has deeply permeated our culture.  Those statistics aren’t meant to rob the other aspects of our communication of their importance, but rather to highlight a grave oversight in our education that, with a little effort, can be improved and yield tremendous and immediate results for us.

Levels of Listening

There are three levels of listening we have to choose from during any given interaction.  Defining each level is the first step in understanding how to improve our habits.

Level 1: Hearing Words

This is the level that many of us default to under the misconception that we are listening.  It often puts us in the uncomfortable position of misunderstanding a message, jumping to conclusions, or simply not being able to recall the message within moments of it being said.  Sometimes we are vaguely aware that we are to blame, yet other times we try to pass the blame on to the speaker, claiming that he or she was not interesting or engaging.  The most alarming thing about this level of listening is that we are emotionally and mentally detached from the speaker.  We may be able to get away with this most of the time, but when the speaker is a loved one, our poor listening is communicating–whether we intend it to or not–that we place minimal value on that person.

Level 2: Listening in Spurts

During those times when we are aware to some degree that we are listening poorly, or we are in a situation where we know that concentration on the message is important, we may be able to tune in temporarily, but with so little formal training in listening the task can be difficult, resulting in “spurts” of listening.  Another major contributor to this level is our tendency to search for the next opportunity to jump in and speak rather than actually attending to the message of the other person.  That, on top of many other obstacles that we will address in the second part of this series, can cause listening in spurts.

Level 3: Empathetic Listening

This is the ideal.  We are able to set aside internal and external distractions so as to listen without judgment or interruption.  We are emotionally and mentally invested and provide verbal and nonverbal feedback to the speaker.  Empathetic communication is like a partnership, and both individuals must play their role.  There is much focus in our culture on the speaker’s role and how to fulfill that role in an interesting, engaging, effective, and efficient way; however, I would argue that when we are in the role of the listener, we should consider it our job to invest 51% of the effort in the interaction.  In other words, the listener should be the one doing the heavy lifting.

The Benefits of Becoming a Good Listener

As I have practiced empathetic listening in my own life, the rewards have been immediate.  Here are some of the more noteworthy benefits that resulted from Dr. Paine’s lessons:

Mutual Respect. I teach argumentation in my AP English Language and Composition class, and one of the concepts I cover is the Rogerian Method.  This style of argumentation puts a premium on first listening to your opponent’s views, then confirming that you have accurately understood what has been said prior to expressing your own views.  Theoretically, it is an unspoken appeal to “The Golden Rule”: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  More often than not, when you respect others enough to listen to them and actively demonstrate that you have done so, they will be willing to extend the same respect and courtesy to you in return.  This applies both at work and in your personal life.

Conflict Resolution. In most cases, frustrated people just want to know that somebody listened to their issue, whatever it may be.  Even the most volatile people will be diffused to some degree if they believe you actually internalized what they had to say.  And if they want more than just to air out their grievances, by listening to them you are putting yourself in a position to handle the situation to the best of your ability.

Learning. Listening as you move throughout your daily life is one of the most effective ways to continue learning.  It allows you to pick up on details and opportunities you might otherwise have missed, not to mention setting you up to ask better questions when appropriate.  And the ability to ask good questions is valuable–as I have told my students, sometimes asking the question is more important than knowing the answer.  We’ll be exploring asking good questions in the third part of this series.

Career Success. The most frequent complaint made by Fortune 500 companies is that many employees have poor listening skills.  These corporate heavyweights have learned that good listeners are more open to new ideas, more innovative, and provide better customer service.  Good listening has also been shown to reduce stress and allow for better management of difficult people.  What more could a thriving business want from an employee?  This is especially true when a promotion is in consideration.  As we saw earlier, most careers require 45% of our time to be spent in listening; this jumps to 55% as we move to positions of higher authority further up the career ladder.  And for the final connection between listening and career success: when the 15 richest Americans were asked what advice they would give to an average American aspiring to wealth, one of the responses was to become a good listener.

The Ladies Love It. What more can I say about this one?  Chicks dig a man who knows how to listen.  But remember, listening does not mean that you need to rush in and “fix” whatever she might be telling you.  She wants you to connect with her–not give her a to-do list or rush out of the room to save the day.

That seems like more than enough for us to chew on for today.  In the next part of this series, we’ll look at some practical ways to begin sharpening our listening.

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