Happy 4th of July 2009!
July 3, 2009
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Tomorrow is Independence Day here in the United States and we’re going to take a break so we can celebrate with friends and family. We hope you have a wonderful and safe 4th of July weekend. Here are some patriotic themed posts from AoM that you can read while taking a break from chowing down on burgers and dogs.
The Ultimate Man’s Guide to Fireworks
How to Fly Old Glory With Respect
How to Grill the Perfect Steak
How to Give Praise Like a Man
July 1, 2009
Editor’s note: We previously covered how to give criticism like a man. But it’s equally to know how to render effective praise. So today Tom Cox is going to gives us a primer on how to do so.
Tom Cox is a consultant, author and speaker based in Beaverton, Oregon. He has worked in nearly every private sector industry as well as the public sector, improving any process that involves people. His weekly radio program “Tom on Leadership” is here and his blog is here.
One of the most powerful forms of human communications is praise. We are surrounded by opportunities to use it — in teamwork, in the workplace, in family life, in volunteering, even in dog training — and when we do it well, it works wonders.
Effective praise can permanently raise someone’s performance. It can dramatically alter someone’s self-image, or even the trajectory of their life. At the very least, it can make their day better.
At the same time, wrong praise at the wrong time, in the wrong manner, can be worse than useless — it can be devastating.
Master a few basic concepts, and you can give truly effective praise every time — you can praise like a man.
The Best of Art of Manliness: June 2009
July 1, 2009
June was a fantastic month for The Art of Manliness. The 30 Days to a Better Man Challenge was a big success. We had over 600 people sign up for the official Community group. Thanks to everyone who participated! Keep your eyes open for the 30 Days to a Better Man eBook. Also, traffic reached an all time high of 600,000 visits and our subscriber count reached 39,000. Thanks to everyone who has helped spread the word about AoM. We don’t have an advertising budget, so any growth we have is because readers like you are telling your friends about us.
July is going to be an exciting month for AoM. We’ve got some killer content lined up, we’ll be launching a kick-a line of new AoM t-shirts designed by the good folks at TankFarm, and we’ll be giving the site a face lift so it loads faster and is more user friendly. Stay tuned!
Let’s take a look at June’s most popular posts.
5 Classic Cocktails Every Man Should Know
The Essential Man’s Adventure Library: Fiction Edition
7 Basic Knots Every Man Should Know
The Gentleman’s Guide to Umbrellas
The Community
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The Ultimate Guide to Buying the Perfect Engagement Ring
July 1, 2009
Find the girl who is the “one.” Check. Ask her father for her hand in marriage. Check. Plan the perfect proposal. Check. Buy engagement ring. Hmmmm….. Buying an engagement ring can be an overwhelming task. There’s a lot of pressure on this purchase. It’s a symbol of your love for your girlfriend, and it’s a token of your willingness to take the relationship to the next level. Plus, it doesn’t help that your fiance will be showing off the ring to her friends and family.
For many men, the purchase of their lady’s engagement ring will be their first experience in the the wild world of jewelry. When they walk into a jewelry store they’re inundated with terms and concepts that they’ve never heard before. Tiffany setting? Inclusions? Eternity band? What the wha?
Never fear. We’ve put toghether the ultimate guide to help you purchase an engagement ring that your girlfriend will flip over. Let’s get started.
Read more
30 Days to a Better Man Wrap-Up
June 30, 2009
During the month of June 2009, The Art of Manliness ran a series of posts called “30 Days to a Better Man.” Each day we created a task for Art of Manliness readers to complete that would help them improve in different facets of their lives such as relationships, fitness and health, career, and personal finances.
We also had a very active Better Man Community Group where participants reported in how they did on the task and gave suggestions and encouragement to other members. Over all, I was very happy with the project and feel that lots of men got something out of it.
Below, we’ve created a summary of the entire month’s tasks, with links to each individual day. If you started the challenge late or you’re a new reader, this list will help you navigate through each day’s tasks.
Also, at the recommendation of several readers, I’m working on putting this series into a well polished PDF eBook. That way you can have the tasks all in one place that’s formatted for easy reading. You can even print it off so you can read it on the John.
Thanks to everyone who participated!
Day 1: Define Your Core Values
Day 4: Increase Your Testosterone
Day 5: Cultivate Your Gratitude
Day 7: Reconnect with an Old Friend
Day 11: Give Yourself a Testicular Exam
Day 12: Create Your Bucket List
Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father
Day 19: Schedule a Physical Exam
Day 25: Start a Debt Reduction Plan
Day 26: Take the Marine Corps Fitness Test
Day 30: Get a Straight Razor Shave
How to Build Sturdy Basement Shelves
June 30, 2009
Editor’s Note: Every now and then, we feature an excellent blog post that was originally posted in The Art of Manliness Community by a community member. Today we’re featuring an article from one of our most prolific community members, Will. Thanks for the great write up, Will!
If you’re thinking about learning a handy skill, making bookshelves as one of the most practical and satisfying to tackle. Every man has a desire to make some furniture that will be used in his home day after day. And bookshelves are a great introduction to this craft.
I recently undertook a project to build cheap, sturdy bookshelves that would not fall over, and decided to write-up the results. I am not an expert; don’t sue me if yours do fall over. But I’m not worried about mine. (I did take the precaution of putting very heavy stuff on the bottom shelf. Nothing will save a top-heavy structure from falling over — nothing but an L-bracket, anyway, and I don’t think I need one.)
These instructions show you how to make a 5-shelf set, 8 feet wide and 2 feet deep.
30 Days to a Better Man Day 30: Get a Straight Razor Shave
June 29, 2009
Image from the Wisconsin Historical Society
At last! We’ve finally made it to the last day of the 30 Days to a Better Man Challenge. It’s been a tough 30 days. Hopefully, the tasks we came up with helped you stretch, grow, and become a better man. Today’s final task will both complete this process and reward your efforts during the past month. Today’s challenge is to get an old fashioned straight razor shave from a barber.
Why Get a Straight Razor Shave
It’s relaxing. The straight razor shave is the facial for manly men. The experience is definitely a treat. There’s nothing like a hot towel on your face or the manly fragrance of shaving cream to sap the stress right out of your body. The few times I’ve gotten a straight razor shave, I’ve fallen asleep because it’s so darn relaxing.
It’s manly. When you get a straight razor shave, you can almost feel the testosterone increasing in your body. It feels cool to be taking part in a ritual that thousands of men from history experienced. Plus, in a world where women are pretty much doing everything men are, a straight razor shave is one of the few activities that is still completely and exclusively male.
It’s dangerous. At least it feels that way. There’s nothing like letting another man hold a razor sharp piece of metal to your neck to remind you that you’re alive.
What to Expect from a Straight Razor Shave
Cost. The barbershops that I’ve been to charge $20 for a straight razor shave. Some places will be more and some places may be less. But $20 seems to be the going rate.
The process. The two places I’ve gotten a straight razor shave had a pretty similar process. Here’s how it typically goes. You’ll sit in a cool barber chair, and the barber will tilt it back. He’ll start off putting a nice hot towel around your face to soften up your whiskers. After the first hot towel, some barbers rub cleanser on your face to open up the pores and to make sure your face is nice and clean for a good shave. After that, another hot towel.
Next, they might put some conditioner on your whiskers to soften them up, followed by another hot towel.
Now it’s on to the shaving cream. Most barbers have their own secret recipe for shaving cream that has been passed down for generations. The shaving cream will come from a heated dispenser. It feels really nice on your face.
They’ll then take the razor to your face. Because of health codes, most barbers use disposable straight edge razors as opposed to traditional straight razors. Some men would argue that you’ll notice the difference. Honestly, I haven’t.
After a first pass with the razor, you’ll get another hot towel. Shaving cream is reapplied, and another pass is made.
When the barber is done removing your beard, he’ll give you a cold damp towel to close your pores and then splash on some manly smelling aftershave.
Bada bing! You just got a straight razor shave. You’ll walk out of the barbershop feeling rejuvenated, relaxed, and uber-manly.
Today’s Task: Get a Straight Razor Shave
Today’s task is to get a straight razor shave. Not all barbers do them. So you’ll have to call around to find one that does.
For our bearded brethren, have a professional trim and clean your beard up. I hear some barbers have some nice shampoos designed specifically for beards that smell particularly manly.
Tell us all about your straight razor shave experience in the Community. And if you dug the barber, be sure to add his establishment and your review to our handy Barbershop Locator.
The Essential Adventure Library: 50 Non-fiction Adventure Books
June 29, 2009
Following up on our recent look into the world of fictional adventure literature, we now turn to the true life tales of exploration, adventure, and survival against all odds that have inspired countless readers for generations. Unlike their fictional counterparts, these riveting tales of conquests and ill fated journeys are completely true, and stand as a testament to man’s unquenchable desire to seek out the unknown, often against all odds and in the face of unbelievable hardship.
This is not considered a complete list of all the great tales of true life adventure, so please take advantage of the comments section to share what other true life tales of adventure you recommend to your fellow men.
And now, to continue on in the world of high adventure…
30 Days to a Better Man Day 29: Conquer a Fear
June 28, 2009
Fear can be a good thing. It’s a biological instinct that prevents us from doing stupid things that might kill us. For example, fear kicks in with good reason when we see a slithering snake or look over the edge of a cliff.
Unfortunately, fear is not always rational and not always healthy. Thus, our heart races when we’re getting on a plane but not when we’re driving, even though we have a far greater chance of dying while behind the wheel. And while fear works to prevent us from physical pain, it can also hold us back from the chance at both the pain of a crushed ego and the exhilaration of victory and success.
The Manliness of Overcoming Your Fears
Fear is irrational. No one can ever be fully rational in their choices and behavior. But every man should strive to live with reason and ration as his guide. Fear is a primal instinct, not a function of higher brain faculties. When we logically think through our fears, we often find that they have no real rational basis.
Fear is cowardly. We often try to frame our fears in ways that soothe our egos. We say that we’re being prudent or cautious. We say that we haven’t tried simply because it’s not important to us. We say that we’re just a little nervous. But if you want to start overcoming your fears, it’s helpful to call a spade a spade. Don’t say, “I’m not doing this because I’m nervous,” say, “I’m not doing this because I’m a coward.” This is not meant to be harsh; I actually find it quite helpful to frame my internal debate this way. Because who wants to be a coward? A man seeks to be brave and courageous.
Fear robs you of your integrity. Integrity means behaving in a way wholly congruous with your beliefs and values. But when we want to do something and we believe it’s the right thing to do, but we fail to do it because of fear, we violate our core values. Living true to your principles will always involve a healthy measure of overcoming your fears.
Fear pushes you from the driver’s seat. A man is a captain of his own destiny. He makes the choices and chooses the roads that lead him to his goals. A man ruled by fear abdicates his captainship to his fear. He gives his fear the steering wheel. Who is the master of your life, you or your fears?
Fear leaves regrets. A man does not dwell on the past. He learns from it, but never lets it hinder him. Yet if you allow fear to keep you from seizing opportunities that come your way, you will inevitably look back, kick yourself, and wonder why the heck you let fear have its way with you.
Fear slows our personal growth. A man should always be striving to improve himself, to be a little better than he was the day before. But there is no growth without risk.
How to Overcome Our Fears
“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” ~ Brendan Francis
We need not live our lives captive to our fears and insecurities. You can, through your will, become the master of your fears.
Change your perspective on fear. Is the pain you experience while working out a negative thing? Or is it just the feeling of your body getting stronger? Fear is only a negative thing if you believe that it is. You can choose to think about it simply as the “pain” your body experiences as your character develops and expands. There is very little growth where there is no pain and work.
Instead of seeing the tackling of our fears as nerve-racking, see it as an adventure. An adventure is anything that takes you out of your comfort zone and into unexplored territory. It can be as grand as an African safari or as basic as talking to a stranger. Conquering a fear, big or small, can be downright thrilling. Every man should try to scare himself a little every day.
Change your perspective on risk. The root of our fear is our fear of trying something and crashing and burning. What if I get rejected? What if I fail? These are short-term risk assessments. Yes, there is a chance that you will fall on your face. And if you don’t take the risk, you’re guaranteed not to face failure.
But in making such a calculation, you are leaving out the long-term risk, a risk that’s far riskier than any short term blow to your ego. The long term risk is this: The risk of never amounting to anything. The risk of living a completely mediocre life. The risk of looking back in 10, 20, or 30 years and feeling your stomach turn with regret.
When I was a kid and was afraid to do something, whether it was slide down the water slide backwards or ride a huge roller coaster, I would ask myself this question: “Which choice are you going to regret more? Doing this thing and being scared for a few minutes or not doing it and missing out on the experience and always wondering what it would have been like?” Even my ten year old brain knew the answer.
Remember, when you skip an opportunity because you’re afraid, you’ll never get that moment back. Never.
Finally, we often fear failure and rejection because it hurts to think that we’re not as suave or talented as we had supposed. This is a blow to the ego. But when we don’t act on our fears, we send a message to ourselves that we are in fact cowardly, and this subconsciously wears away our sense of self and will stick with us far after the sting of any failed enterprise has passed.
Maybe it’s time you updated your criteria for risk assessment.
Act courageous. Teddy Roosevelt overcame his fears by acting as if he were not afraid. Do the same.
“There were all kinds of things of which I was afraid of at first, ranging from grizzly bears to “mean” horses and gun-fighters; but by acting as if I was not afraid I gradually ceased to afraid.”
Think about the great men of history. Our own personal fears and challenges can seem overwhelming and insurmountable. But with the proper perspective, they can seem rightfully manageable. The next time you you feel paralyzed by a fear, think of the courageous men of the past. Think of Edmund Hillary ascending Mt. Everest, the Freedom Riders meeting a crowd of angry Klansmen, the astronauts sitting in Apollo 13. You’ll soon think, “Dammit! And here I am unable to make this flippin’ phone call!”
Kill the fear with logic. As we mentioned above, fear is not a rational thing. The solution is thus to kill it with logic. The best way to do this is to ask yourself this question: “If I do this, what is the worst that can happen?”
What’s the worst that could happen if you asked someone out and they said no? You didn’t have a date then, you don’t have a date now. Nothing has changed.
What’s the worst that could happen if you apply for a job and don’t get it? You didn’t have the job before, you don’t have the job now. Nothing has changed.
What’s the worst that can happen if I give a speech at the conference and bomb? No one will ever tell you, and you’ll never know you were bad.
And so on and so on. With almost any scenario the worst that could happen might be temporarily unpleasant, but is infinitely manageable.
Memorize this quote. We’ve already talked about the power of having memorized quotes at your ready disposable. One of the best passages to memorize and recite to yourself when you’re afraid is this one from Theodore Roosevelt:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
There’s no need to feel the fear, just do it. A lot of self-help gurus recommend that you fully feel the fear and go ahead and tackle it anyway. I disagree. Giving the fear wholesale residency in your body is just going to make you get all tense and freaked out. What I find works is acknowledging the fear, but then immediately going for it, even before your brain has time to dwell on what you’re about to do. Just put your brain on cruise control. Check out a little bit and start down a path you can’t return from. Dial that number. Walk into that office. Once you’re in the mix, you’re forced to carry on, and you’ll find that you do indeed have the strength to pull it off.
The men of Easy Company signed up to be paratroopers with only the faintest idea of what jumping out of an airplane entailed. As they donned their packs and climbed into the hull of the plan on their first training flight, some of the men were feeling the fear big time. Others chose not to think about it. When the green light went off, they lined up, stepped to the door and jumped.
Just do it.
Today’s Task: Conquer a Fear
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.” -Helen Keller
Pick a fear you’ve had for some time. Something you need to do, something you want to do, but you’ve been continually putting off. We think we stay safe by playing it small, but our unconquered fears sit like a weight on our shoulders. They’re there when you wake up and when you go to bed. They keep whispering in your ear that today is the day to go for it, and you keep ignoring the call. The weight of your unconquered fears builds slowly, almost imperceptibly, but it grows each and every day, slowing down your progress and cluttering your mind.
Ask that girl out that you’ve liked for a very long time. Tell your best friend how you really feel about her. Break-up with your girlfriend that you stopped having feelings for months ago. Ask for that raise you deserve. Confess your mistake to your friend or boss. Ask your brother for forgiveness.
Perhaps there are some 30 Days tasks that you haven’t done yet because you’ve been afraid to. Today is the day that the excuses and procrastination absolutely must end. Talk to 3 strangers. Write your dad a letter. Take a woman on a date. Just do it.
Tell us what your fear was and how you conquered it in the Community.
Manvotional: “A Nation’s Strength” by Ralph Waldo Emerson
June 28, 2009
Independence Day is this Saturday here in the United States. In honor of it, we present “A Nation’s Strength” by Ralph Waldo Emerson. The strength of any nation or community is found in the men (and women) who make it up, so be the best man you can be.
“A Nation’s Strength” by Ralph Waldo Emerson
What makes a nation’s pillars high
And its foundations strong?
What makes it mighty to defy
The foes that round it throng?
It is not gold. Its kingdoms grand
Go down in battle shock;
Its shafts are laid on sinking sand,
Not on abiding rock.
Is it the sword? Ask the red dust
Of empires passed away;
The blood has turned their stones to rust,
Their glory to decay.
And is it pride? Ah, that bright crown
Has seemed to nations sweet;
But God has struck its luster down
In ashes at his feet.
Not gold but only men can make
A people great and strong;
Men who for truth and honor’s sake
Stand fast and suffer long.
Brave men who work while others sleep,
Who dare while others fly…
They build a nation’s pillars deep
And lift them to the sky.
Hat tip to Bryce for this selection.
30 Days to a Better Man Day 28: Write a Love Letter
June 27, 2009
We previously discussed the idea that every man should strive to be a romantic lover, and how the date is one of a man’s best tools for wooing a lady. A man’s other major tool in the romance department is the love letter. As long as love (and writing utensils) has existed, so has the love letter. It has been the go to way for millions of men throughout history to confess or reiterate their feelings of love for another.
Plenty of women, of course, have and will continue to write love letters. But as the sex that has historically been the “pursuer” in the relationship and often has trouble vocally expressing their feelings, writing love letters has traditionally been the purview of men.
It’s not always easy to express our feelings to our significant others. We’d rather show our love through actions. We feel that our love for someone is manifestly obvious, because after all, don’t we vacuum the house, and mow the lawn, and make them their favorite pancakes every Sunday morning? Our actions show that we’re faithful and true, and to us it feels like this should be enough.
But it’s not quite that way for a woman. Women definitely appreciate our acts of love, but their brains are also quite a bit more language oriented than ours. They want to hear the words behind the actions. They want to know exactly what’s in our hearts.
But it’s hard to not only find the right words to express how we feel about someone, but to also make it flow and sound real purty. It’s especially difficult when you’re sitting down with someone and trying to remember exactly what you wanted to say. Enter the love the letter.
Writing a fantastically romantic love letter can be a challenge, but that’s what you signed up for with this 30 Days project. So let’s get started.
Why Write a Love Letter
Love letters were definitely more popular in the past when soldiers were off fighting the Big One and men left on trips that took them away from their love for months or even years at a time. With the rise of modern means of communication, love letters, and letters generally, have fallen into disfavor.
But as we talked about in our letter writing post, letters have special properties that no modern form of communication can duplicate. It’s something tangible that we touch and hold and then pass to another to touch and hold. And they are preserved and cherished in a way that text messages or email never will be.
The love letters you give your wife or girlfriend are testaments in the history of your love. They constitute a record of your relationship that she’ll hold onto for the rest of her life (unless of course you break her heart and then the letters will give her the satisfaction of having something to burn or line the bird cage with).
Your love doesn’t have to be far away for you to write a letter to her. A love letter is appropriate even when you’re sleeping alongside your special someone every night. It’s a chance to express your feelings in a more ardent way than you do on a day to day basis.
A woman cannot hear too many times that’s she beautiful and that you love her. They’ll never get sick of it. They want to know that you still feel the same way as you did when you first met, heck, the same way you felt last Monday. When the John Edwardses and Mark Sanfords of the world dominate the news, a lady can be forgiven for wanting regular reassurance that you’re not about to go traipsing off to Argentina to cavort with your Latin lover.
How to Write a Love Letter
If you’re particularly in touch with your feelings and a great writer, then love letters may come easily to you. In that case, just sit down with pen and paper and let it rip. If you’re someone who has problems formulating a romantic love letter, we offer the following tips to guide the process.
1. Start off by stating the purpose of your letter. You want your love to know right away that this is a love letter and not a note to give her the brush off or to voice some kind of displeasure with the relationship. Begin with something like, “I was thinking today about how very much I love you, and how I really don’t tell you that enough. So I wanted to sit down and let you know how totally in love with you I really am.”
2. Recall a romantic memory. What’s special about couplehood is that the two of you have a shared history, a history that is unique to you and your love. Thus the best way to start a love letter is to refer to a shared memory; this conjures up feelings of your history together and scores you points for remembering details of your past. For example, begin by saying, “I still remember clearly the moment when you walked into Rob’s party, wearing that stunning red dress. You were smiling ear to ear and absolutely lit up the room. I knew immediately that I had to meet you. I went to the bathroom to try to summon up my courage and think of what to say. But it was no use; I was totally tongue tied when I approached you. I was smitten from the very start.”
3. Now transition to a section about the things you love about her. Move from your memory to the present with a line like, “And here we are more than a decade later, and you still leave me weak in the knees.”
4. Tell her all the things you love about her. Before you write this section, make a list on a separate sheet of paper of all the things you that you love about your significant other. Think about her physical characteristics, her personality, her character, and all the wonderful things she does for you. Then, turn the things you listed into sentences. “I truly think you are the most beautiful women in the world. I love the feeling of your legs intertwined with mine and the smell of your hair and skin. Your smile lifts my spirits on even my worst days. I love your laugh and your ability to find humor in every situation. I’m so grateful for everything you do for me, from your delicious dinners to your magnificent backrubs.”
5. Tell her how your life has changed since meeting her. “You truly complete me. These last few years have been the happiest of my life. I can’t tell you how lucky I feel to always have my best friend by my side.”
6. Reaffirm your love and commitment. “I will always love you, no matter what happens, through thick and thin. I will be absolutely true and faithful to you forever.”
7. End with a line that sums up your love. “I can’t wait to grow old with you.” “My love for you will never end.” “You are my best friend and soul mate and I will love you until the end of our lives.”
It’s okay to err on the side of cheesiness. The most important rule is to be completely authentic. Write only those things that you truly feel. This will prevent the letter from seeming over the top or incongruous with your personality and relationship.
If you need some inspiration before you start writing, read this letter and watch this video that we originally posted in our article about “How to Write a Love Letter Like a Soldier.” The letter was written in 1861 by Sullivan Ballou to his wife Sarah, a week before the Battle of Bull Run:
July the 14th, 1861
Washington D.C.
My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days-perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.
Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure-and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine O God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing-perfectly willing-to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.
But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows-when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children-is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?
I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death-and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.
I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and “the name of honor that I love more than I fear death” have called upon me, and I have obeyed.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me-perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar-that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.
But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night-amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours-always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.
As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father’s love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God’s blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.
Sullivan
After you read the letter listen to a shortened version in this clip from Ken Burn’s Civil War documentary. It is set to the achingly beautiful “Ashokan Farewell.” The letter begins around 40 second mark:
Hopefully, you are now fully inspired to write your lady a romantic love letter. One need not wait until they are nigh unto death to make their feelings known. Each day could be your last; tell her how you feel right now.
And if you are single, write a love poem to hone your romantic writing skills.
Whatever you do, report back to the Community that you completed the task and how your love reacted to the letter.
Weekly Link Round-up: Week 4 of the 30 Days to a Better Man Challenge
June 27, 2009
Art of Manliness Contests
The first thing I’d like to bring to your attention is the fact that we have a couple of contests that have been running during this month that are ending June 30. So if you’ve been meaning to enter them, don’t delay!
- Do you have a great photo of you as a dad or someone else being a dad? Submit it to the Father-themed photo contest that the Communiuty PhotoGroup is running. The winner gets a Hawaiiabera shirt.
- Sign up for the Toilet Paper’s daily newsletter and you could win an Amazon Kindle.
The 30 Days to a Better Man Challenge
We’re now in the final stretch of the 30 Days to a Better Man Project! There are but 3 tasks left to complete. Don’t give up now; finish strong. Remember, what really counts is how we play in the fourth quarter when we’re all tuckered out.
Here’s a rundown of what we worked on this week:
Day 21: Write Your Own Eulogy. It’s always good to confront your mortality from time to time. The realization that you will one day be six feet under should motivate you to seize the day! What do you hope people say about you at your funeral? Let us know in the Community.
Day 22: Improve Your Posture. Parents and teachers didn’t tell you to stand up straight just to bug you. Proper posture nets you several real benefits, including improved focus, health, and confidence. So stop slouching and tell us about how great it feels to sit up straight in the Community.
Day 23: Learn a Manual Skill. Being handy and learning a craft gives you a sense of satisfaction that cannot be duplicated or imitated. So pick a manual skill you’ve always wanted to learn and go to it. Let us know what you’ve chosen to learn in the Community.
Day 24: Play! All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and a dull man. Play is essential part of a healthy and satisfying life. Tell us how you played this week in the Community.
Day 25: Start a Debt Reduction Plan. Debt is enslaving and keeps a man from becoming totally independent and self-reliant. Don’t just ignore it and pretend like it’s not there; start attacking that ugly debt today. Tell us how you’re going to go about slaying your debt in the Community.
Day 26: Take the Marine Corps Fitness Challenge. It’s one thing to gauge our fitness in our minds, and another entirely to put your bodies to the test. By taking the Marines Corps Fitness Challenge, you’ll get a needed gut check and some solid motivation to get in better shape. Take the test and post your results in the Community.
Day 27: Start a Book. It’s DEAR time! Drop Everything and Read. It’s time to turn off the tube, step away from the computer, and dive into a good book. Let us know what you’re reading in the Community.
Around the Community This Week
Padraic started a discussion about the most recent politician to be caught having an affair, Mark Sanford. Padraic is annoyed with the number of prominent men who have lately fallen from grace, but Joseph says that what happens in the bedroom isn’t as important as the kind of job a man does. What say ye?
Todd started a discussion of what constitutes a manly work ethic and how to develop one.
Christopher, who makes hand-bound moleskine-esque notebooks, has posted a picture of a sample of his work.
Brian posed this question, “What’s your favorite cologne?”
Well, Stephen Farrar needed some advice about what to expect from West Point, and this week, kpeckham is seeking some tips from those who attended the Air Force Academy.
Cristatos posted a blog post about his adventures in India and his quest to track down a masterful hunter of man-eating tigers.
Rich Kauffman posted a great essay about why he performs service.
In the Philosophers Group, Shaun Daws posed his usual interesting questions, like:
Is hunting for sport an ethical pursuit?
Weigh in on a discussion Jacob started in the Beer Appreciation Society: What is your favorite of the cheap stuff?
Speaking of beer, Adam asked his fellow home brewers what they’ve been brewing lately.
30 Days to a Better Man Day 27: Start a Book
June 26, 2009
1 in 4 American adults did not read a single book last year. Those who did read books were usually women and older folk. This doesn’t bode well for younger men. It’s not that younger men aren’t reading. They’re probably reading plenty on blogs or on their Tweetdeck. But reading snippets from blogs and websites is a completely different experience than reading a good old fashioned book. With a book you can get completely immersed in a story and suck out the marrow of good ideas. With the internet, you tend to just get blips of information at a time. It’s never enough to gain the kind of immersive experience and broad picture that a whole book gives you.
Today, we’re going to turn the page (so to speak) on the dearth of men not reading books. But before we begin, let’s just quickly review some of the benefits of reading.
The Benefits of Reading
Of course, the greatest benefit of reading is simply the pleasure that it gives you. Reading is an unmatchable pastime for relaxing and wiling away some time. Besides being thoroughly enjoyable, it has even more benefits:
Improves your writing. The ability to write well is a skill that will set you apart from your peers. Of course, if you want to become a skilled writer, you must practice writing. But in addition to writing, reading the words of great authors can also help you improve. As you read, you’ll begin to notice patterns and sentence formations that work well. If you’re constantly reading quality writing, it’s hard for some of it not to rub off on your own writing.
Provides fodder for conversation. Some of the best conversations begin with the simple question, “Read any good books lately?”You don’t want your answer to be, “Uhhhhh, no. But dude, have you checked out Keyboard Cat?” By reading good books, you build yourself a storehouse of conversation topics that are engaging and interesting.
Improves concentration and focus. With the internet and its millions of mindless distractions, concentrating and focusing on a single task has become more and more difficult. If you feel like you’ve become particularly distraction prone, reading a book could be just the prescription you need. Unlike blog posts and magazine articles that can be read in a matter of minutes, reading a book requires extended periods of concentration and focus. You’re not surfing around, feeding your brain an endless supply of new stimulation. It’s just you and the text. If you set aside time to read a book every day, you’ll start to notice a strengthening of your attention span.
Increases creativity. A creative person doesn’t just create new ideas out of thin air. He takes already existing ideas and cross pollinates them to create something entirely new. By exposing yourself to different ideas in the pages of books, you create a breeding ground in your mind for new ideas to grow.
Makes you a better man. Do you want to be a better man? Then read the biographies of great men. The lives of great men contain numerous lessons that are just as applicable to us today. I feel I’ve gotten more out of reading a biography of a hero of mine than I have with any so-called self-improvement book. With a biography, you can see concrete principles of manliness in action instead of just reading abstract advice. If you’re looking for a biography that will really inspire, I suggest The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt. (Big surprise, huh?)
Broadens your perspective. No matter how far and wide you travel and how many interesting people you meet, you can never have the breadth of experiences contained within the world’s great books. Through reading, you can experience what’s it’s like to grow up fatherless, sail along with barbarous pirates, fly a plane in World War II, and climb Mt. Everest, all without leaving your armchair. Books help you gain greater insight and empathy than could be mined from your personal life alone.
Today’s Task: Start a Book
Start a book. Any book. Pick one of your favorite novels from high school or college. Choose a book that you’ve been forever meaning to read and have been continually putting off. Pick a book from the Essential Men’s Library or our list of great fictional adventure books and go to the library to check it out. Once you’ve selected your book, we’re going harness our inner third grader and D.E.A.R it up. You know. Drop Everything And Read. Read for at least 30 minutes today. Your brain and soul will thank you later.
Once you’ve picked your book, tell us what you’ll be reading in the Community. Then slowly step away from the keyboard, sink into a nice man chair, and get lost in your book.
A Bodyweight Workout for Busy Men
June 26, 2009
“Get Yo Abs Right Mayo’nnaise!”
Editor’s note: If today’s challenge to take the Marines Corps Fitness test humbles you into wanting to get into better shape, starting out with a bodyweight workout is an excellent way to go. Here, Jim Smith from Diesel Crew lays out a great plan for one.
Many men don’t realize that serious muscle and strength can be built with just bodyweight exercises. Not only that, bodyweight only workouts can be high intensity and done in quick training sessions throughout the week.
Many men don’t have time to spend hours in the gym because they have families, they work long hours or they are just too busy going out on dates. Yet they still want to stay in fighting shape. For them, a short, intense bodyweight workout is just what the doctor ordered.
Read more
30 Days to a Better Man Day 26: Take the Marine Corps Fitness Test
June 25, 2009
During the 30 Days to a Better Man project, we’ve been doing a lot exercises for our mind and character, but it’s equally important to exercise our bodies. A man’s health is his most important asset. If you suffer from chronic health problems, it can take a toll on your job, on your bank account, on your family, and on your psyche. And being out of shape and unhealthy saps one’s manly confidence and spirit. Unfortunately, for the past few decades, the fitness level of men, particularly American men, has been going down hill. With cars replacing walking as the primary mode of transportation and desk jobs replacing manual labor, men have become more and more sedentary.
There may have been a time when you were in pretty good shape. Maybe it was in high school or college. But since then, you’ve gotten a job, a mortgage, a wife, and 2.5 kids. But in your mind’s eye, you still think you’re the guy who could bench press 300 lbs and run the 40 yard dash in 4.5 seconds. You might be a bit softer, but overall you feel good. But the mind can play tricks on you. Slowly through the years the body adjusts itself to a less active lifestyle. The change happens so gradually, that you don’t even notice it. That is until you try to lift a big bag of dirt for your garden or play a pick-up game of basketball. And you’re hit with the realization that you’re not the strapping lad you once were.
While humbling moments like the ones mentioned above can give you somewhat of an idea of your fitness level, an actual fitness test can do a better job because numbers don’t lie. So today we’re going to give ourselves a gut check by taking a physical fitness test. And not just any physical fitness test. We’re taking the U.S. Marine Corps Fitness Test.
