The largest portion of our life passes while we are doing ill, a goodly share while we are doing nothing, and the whole while we are doing that which is not to the purpose. What man can you show me who places any value on his time, who reckons the worth of each day, who understands that he is dying daily? For we are mistaken when we look forward to death; the major portion of death has already passed. Whatever years be behind us are in death’s hands. –Seneca
When I was a kid and looked at pictures of my dad like the one above, he seemed so old to me. He seemed to exist in a place so far distant that it inhabited a completely different universe than mine. He was assuredly an adult. He had begun life, and he knew it.
A few weeks ago as I was holding Gus, I thought about those old photos, and the thought struck me like a thunderbolt: This is your life. I’m sure this revelation seems quite obvious, what else would it be? But what I mean is that I realized that my life had come full circle. Those old pictures of my parents? Now that was me. That time that had seemed so far away had arrived. This was my life.
There’s nothing like having a kid to make you acutely aware of your own mortality. As Jerry Seinfeld observed when he had kids, “Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.” It’s amazing to look at a baby and realize he is a completely new person, a new person who literally has his whole life ahead of him. This little creature hasn’t even gone to kindergarten yet. And that’s when you realize that a third of your life is over, a whole dang third of it.
I realized I had always expected that at a certain point some signal would be given, some change would come over me, and then I would know that my “real” life had started. After all, if people always ask what you want to be when you grow-up, you figure one day you’ll simply know you’ve grown-up, that you’ve hit that milestone and are officially an adult, and that all adults get initiated into this special knowledge. I thought this moment would come when I went off to college or graduated from it, or when I got married, and surely when I had kids. But that transformative moment never came. Each day was just like the rest. I had been living my life all along. This was my life.
The shortness of life, the fact that one must enjoy the journey instead of focusing on a destination, is surely one of the most popular themes of books, songs, and movies. And so I was almost hesitant to tread where many have trod before with this article. But the fact of the matter is that all those calls to seize the day just go in one ear and out the other, they exist as a cloud of white noise until you have your own, personal “this is your life” moment. A moment when the brevity of life hits you like a ton of bricks and knocks the wind out of you. When you finally understand, deep down in your soul, that the clock’s been running since your were born and keeps on ticking away. So perhaps for some man, somewhere, this post will serve as that wake up call.
Food for Worms
That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once:
how the knave jowls it to the ground, as if it were
Cain’s jaw-bone, that did the first murder! It
might be the pate of a politician, which this ass
now o’er-reaches; one that would circumvent God,
might it not? …There’s another: why may not that be the skull of a
lawyer? Where be his quiddities now, his quillets,
his cases, his tenures, and his tricks?
In Act V, Scene 1, of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Hamlet and Horatio converse with a pair of gravediggers in a cemetery. When Hamlet looks upon the skulls of the dead, he imagines the life they had once enjoyed in the flesh. This leads him to picture the bones of Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar, once mighty men, now moldering in the dust like any other mortal. The reality of death hits Hamlet right in the gut, and he has a “this is your life” moment.
In looking for old photographs to use on AoM, I’ll often find a picture particularly arresting; the vividness of the man’s life at the time the camera flashed upon it jumps out and holds my gaze. And I’ll take a minute to look at his face, to think about the way his day to day life felt no less real than mine does, that his present, his world, felt no less important, that his feelings and aspirations felt no less vital. And how his body is now lying six feet underground somewhere. His life felt just as endless as ours does and yet he has vanished from the earth. 100 years down the road someone might look at our face in an old wrinkled photograph and wonder about the life we lived. Hold that image in your mind for a second…
It’s a moment captured very well in the famous carpe diem scene in the film, The Dead Poets Society:
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up this year. I was thinking about this, and thinking about how astoundingly quickly the 10 years had gone by. And then I thought about how I might only get 5 more of those ten year periods. I thought about 5 apples lined up on a counter. Not very many. 5 apples before I’m food for worms.
No Time Like the Present
Why do we always put off doing what we dream about until some point in the future? Researchers have found that humans are very bad at predicting “resource slack.” When asked to guess how much money and time they’ll have in the future, they accurately predict that their financial situation will remain relatively the same, but they think that their free time will expand. This creates what is a termed the “Yes…Damn!” moment….which happens when you say yes to a commitment that’s a few months away, thinking you’ll have plenty of time to do it when it finally comes around, only to realize when it arrives that you’re just as busy as you ever were. Yes…Damn!
This blind spot in our perception is why we confidently tell ourselves that we’ll start that business, lose the weight, repair our relationship, get organized…in a few weeks or a few months, because then we’ll have more time. It’s an illusion. It’s a self-deception that allows us to soothe the pangs of our unfulfilled desires with the panacea that now is not the right time. The mirage of the time-filled future can string a man along until he’s 80, has one foot in the grave, and realizes that the expanse of time he imagined would open never appeared.
When I was in a college, I remember a mentor told me that I’d never have as much time in my life as I had right then. I didn’t believe him at the time; with a heavy course load and a job I felt incredibly busy. And then I got married and got a job. And then I had a baby. Looking back I cannot believe how much time I had back in college. Buckets of time have not opened up as I’ve gotten older–quite the opposite. And I’ve come to realize that the time I think I need to accomplish what I want to do will never magically materialize. It’s now or never.
All Aboard!
“The fool, with all his other faults, has this also, he is always getting ready to live.” Reflect, my esteemed Lucilius, what this saying means, and you will see how revolting is the fickleness of men who lay down every day new foundations of life, and begin to build up fresh hopes even at the brink of the grave. Look within your own mind for individual instances; you will think of old men who are preparing themselves at that very hour for a political career, or for travel, or for business. And what is baser than getting ready to live when you are already old? -Seneca
We live in a culture that prizes and seeks “once-in-a-lifetime” moments. But in reality every moment is a once-in-a-lifetime moment. You’ll never be 25 years old on March 21, 2011 at 8:00 am ever again. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime moment; once it’s gone, it’s gone.
Time goes so slowly, we age so slowly that it’s almost impossible to understand and to realize that time is a finite commodity. It feels as though we are standing still, when in reality we are all traveling on a train that is ever hurtling onward. Look out the “window:” you will never see the scene you glimpse in that instant ever again; it fades immediately into the distance, gone forever. Breathe in, breathe out. Life just moved on a bit and you’re a little bit older.
It at once becomes starkly clear the great tragedy in always waiting for your life to begin. If you wait for your life to start, it never will. This is your life, right now. Whether you’re in a college dorm room, or your first apartment, or a brand new house in the burbs. Whether you’re single, dating, or married. This is your life. Whatever it is you want to do, whatever it is you want to change about yourself, whatever it is you want to see and feel and experience in this lifetime, you can’t put it off until your life begins or it will never happen. Get started now. And start savoring these every day, once-in-a-lifetime moments.
Related Posts
-
Manvotional: A Psalm of Life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
-
What Man Hasn’t Squandered a Life Changing Event?
-
Plateau Busting: How to Take Your Life to the Next Level
-
Staying Sharp: Straight Razor Shaving as Life
-
Share:
- Tweet
-
Email Story to a Friend
-
-
Print
Next Comments →
Great article. Yep, as we move along, the obligations keep layering up on each other – and it’s a good and subtle point that we consistently overestimate our free time in the future. (Fortunately, if we’ve been living well, our capabilities are increasing at a pace to keep up with our responsibilities. Even so.)
Thank you for being the one to finally tell me what I should have told myself years ago.
This is not the first post here that has served as a “wake up call”. Brett, you have had but a series of posts that make a man get up and look at himself in the mirror, and ask the question “Am I being the best I can be?”
Many times the answer is no. But we have to realize that today is a new day again, and we must chase it, because time is finite, as you stated.
I’ve just turned 48, and I know that although I may have plenty of time left, I should not waste any of it. A precious resource it is. I’m in a hurry more than ever to squeeze more friends and family experiences into my life. I don’t want to regret.
Thanks for another inspiring and thoughtful post. They certainly are piling up.
Excellent post. Its amazing even now, at 27 to see all the time I had. Its so easy to lapse into a demotivated lull, a kind of shock. Rather than sink into a ‘melancholy’ as they say- shake it off, use what you have left! Carpe Diem!
All too true. And wait until you’re my age, if you think life is going by too fast at 26 or 27. I’m 57 and I can vouch for how quickly it all goes by. I don’t think I really appreciated all the time I had when I was in my 20s or 30s…and all the time I could have spent with loved ones who are now gone. Carpe Diem indeed.
All we have, is now. And yet somehow we’re never really “here”. We’re yesterday fighting old fights and finding new words to win old arguments. Or we’re tomorrow, making decisions and enjoying triumphs we will most likely never see. How sweet would life be if we were totally here, now. I wonder…
It might be 11pm but I am 25 today. Maybe everything on AOM should start with the phrase “do something” and be followed by a boot kicking us in the behind. Thanks Brett.
Guess I need to start canoeing the KY river soon. Always wanted to go from one end to the Ohio in sections until I did it all.
I don’t own a canoe. Never had a lesson. Been in a canoe once.
Thinking about it for 4 years.
I’ve been having many of those ‘moments’ you speak of lately. It took me 3 kids to realize what you have, but we’re about the same age.
Thanks for the article! I really needed that right now… I got off the bandwagon and needed to jump back on… this article is definitely the kick in the butt i needed. I’m setting it as my home page to remind me
Inspiration begets inspiration. In the past year, I got a job, lost 60 lbs. and counting, wrote my first novel, quit smoking after 18 years, and completed a year long photo project.
This year, I’m writing my second novel and taking that improv comedy class I’ve been meaning to take for a decade. Once I accomplished one thing, the next was easier to tackle.
Now is the only time that exists. Make the most of it.
Great post. I recently installed a widget on my computer desktop. It is a retirement count down calculator that ticks off the years, months, days and minutes based on a date you set. I determined what my average life expectancy is and put in my estimated final day as my retirement date. I now know that I have 629.4 months to go and my progress is 38.35% of the way there.
I like the idea of it showing the percent I’ve lived as “progress”, it leaves me with the idea that if I live life well enough that my final years will be without regret and everything I do every day is progress towards my end result, a well lived, regret free life.
The widget was my eye opening moment but I still had to set goals and objectives to reach what I want to accomplish, otherwise it can just be depressing.
Thank you for this article Brett and Kate. This was just the kick in the butt I needed. I’ll have to make sure to take some time to reread this in the morning. It’s so easy to get bogged down in the daily grind and wait for the illusion of something better in the day that never comes.
EErie. I was reading/scrolling and thinking about the scene when Robin William’s character was whispering to the boys and talking about fertilizing dandelions. Then you referenced it…shared free-associations:).
I’m also finishing a post that quotes Hamlet and Walt Whitman…No copywright infringement. I swear!
Well said….”What dreams may come when we have shuffled off these mortal coils must give us pause…”
M
This is, hands down, one of the best articles I’ve read on AOM so far. Thanks.
This is something everyone needs to hear…once you’re dead you’re dead. Don’t waste the most precious thing you ever get, which by the way…is FREE!
Growing up without a present father, getting married, and planning to have children have lead me to want to become stronger in all aspects of manliness. I just wanted to say that this article put into words what I’ve been feeling since I married 5 months ago. Thank you for the knowledge. I’m a more confident man because of your work.
This article resonates with me. I made the decision long ago that time was more important than anything else. It’s a choice that continues to serve me very well. But it’s a commitment I could never make were I to stay in the rat-race of modern American culture. Joe’s comment about “chasing” it and Steve’s about accomplishing one thing only to move immediately on to some other goal, strike me as the antithesis of the time-first mentality.
Our society teaches us to be planning the “Next Great Thing” before we’ve even finished the one we’re currently working on. Personally when I find myself getting caught up in that cycle I find myself doing nothing at all for all the worrying about what to do next. I think Shawn hit the nail on the head in this regards.
We’re not allowed to learn the terms “enough” or contentment. I recently applied for a job and was asked “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I replied that “I see myself exactly where I am now.” I saw right then I’d failed the interview. And I’m glad of it. I have enough and I am content. I do not want or lack for any thing, and I do not want to waste the majority of my life seeking after the things advertising says I “need.”
Quit chasing, quit spinning your wheels. Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.
So, you have finally figured it out. I was lucky, I knew this when I was in High School. That is why History is so interesting to me. They were as I am. I will be as they are. And the next generation will follow. Their choices interests me. And that is history. It’s all about Choices. And like the poem “The moving finger writes; and, having writ,. Moves on: nor all thy piety nor wit. Shall lure it back to cancel half a line” The difference is, they knew this. Today we do not. We are trying to live forever instead of living for this moment. There may very well be no next one. As you said you will never be you again at this moment. Even if there is reincarnation, you will NEVER be who you are now again. Perhaps it is time we all acted like it instead of distracting ourselves from reality.
Wow, really puts things into perspective. Thanks Brett.
I had that “hits you like a ton of bricks” moment last year the day I hit 30. It scared the living crap out of me and 6 months later it is still in the back of my mind and I doubt it will ever really go away. That moment, along with reading Atlas Shrugged, changed my life in a more profound way than I could have ever imagined. Very insightful article.
Great post Brett. Another way of saying :Life is what happens to you while you’re making other plans”. Seize the day men.
That was well worth saying and well said!
Bravo, Brett. Bravo!
Great article, thoroughly enjoyed it. The problem is it didn’t feel like it sank in even though I read it slowly (Which is very frustrating). I’ve been trying to flip a mental switch to get myself in gear, and hell I’m struggling so badly. *goes to re-read*
Such a resonant post — and a great reminder that we can change our lives for the better at any point in the journey. Made me think of when BIlly Crystal’s character says (in City Slickers) —
“Did you ever reach a point in your life where you say to yourself, ‘This is the best I’m ever going to look, the best I’m ever going to feel, the best I’m ever going to do,’ and it ain’t that great?”
But his life *does* get much better after that — because he finally starts living it. And so can we.
Great article. But I feel compelled to disagree, if only to prove that not everyone lives life that easily and doesn’t try to live it to the fullest. Cease the day was never intended to become a ‘cloud of white noise’… It was to prove just that point that you are traveling fast (towards death) and you have to achieve your goals now. Not only is it contradictory to say this coincides with putting things off ‘until you have more time’, this can actually work if you manage it correctly. Because of the line of work I choose, I have been relocated a lot, and I notice that every time this happens, I put on a few pounds, eat unhealthy and become unhappy. I then say, in a few months when I have more time I will go to the gym and do whatever it takes to get back on track. And it happens. Now you can say this is just one person, however I see this a lot in the environment I am in. The only difference between people who do have the ‘yes.. Damn!’ moments, and I do agree that there are many of them, are the ones that don’t do anything to create that time. A man does not have time, he makes time. I, and I’m only 26 and have only just gotten married, honestly believe that if you set yourself a goal and work towards that, no matter what it is that the path towards that goal will make you happy. It also doesn’t mean that you cannot change your goal and subsequently your path, as a thinking man changes his mind, but that this focus in life lets you enjoy the ride. To make the comparison with the trainride and the scenery; if you know where you are going and getting off, you can enjoy the scenery and the journey without worrying about the destination as you know you are on your way.
Like the old hippies used to say-”Be here now”.
Great post. Reminds me of a Chinese proverb that my Dad randomly texted me recently: “The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”
Brett, you’ve done it again. The subject of making time to “live” in the moment is soo true in our society. I’m writing this from a desert deployment, once again. For the last nine years my wife and kids have watched me pack bags and leave. Sometimes I am able to know when I’ll be returning home other times it has been “open ended”.
It seems as only yesterday I was holding my babies, now my son is finishing his freshman college year and my daughter her frosh year of highschool. Where has the time gone?
I’ve done the “Dad” stuff, coached both of them in soccer, been and still am a Boy Scout leader (Jake completed his Eagle), as well as worked on and acted in high school drama productions with both of them.
My question is, have I done enough, I look back, what could I have done better? How could I have been a better husband to my wife of 25 years?
The only answer I can find is to constantly re-evaluate my priorities…I like the mention of the “yes…damn” syndrome above…been there and done that too many times!!!
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the “Thousand Marbles” I’m including a link if that’s okay…it will make you really think and consider what is trully important.
http://llerrah.com/thousandmarbles.htm
Thanks for the article brett. Got me thinking a lot. Keep up the good work. Jared- australia
The image with your dad just inspired me to go to a beautiful beach and ponder at the clouds. Thank you
Nuclear launch detected…
well written Mr. McKay.
I had my moment about 2 years back (I’m 41), but not sure if it was a blessing or a curse! It bums me out when I think how fast the week went by or the month! Everybody is always so excited for the weekend to come, but I see it as those dates between monday and friday are never coming back! Never the less,we need to enjoy and make productive, this given time.
Well, Brett. It appears as if you have gotten me off of my rear and gotten me to ask a gal on a date. (That being I’ve never gone on a date before, which explains the terror)
I have always said to myself every day of school: “You’re going to ask her today, whether you like it or not”, but I’ve never stuck to it.
But dangit, once spring break is over I’m gonna do it!
Brett, I would like to thank you for writing this. In your website I’ve found a lot of knowledge, it has certainly challenged me to be better than myself in many areas of my life, some of which I’ve never even think of before. However, this article is the one that was struck me the most.
Thank you for having this website, and again thank you for writing this.
Fantastic. IMHO, your best article yet.
A great reminder indeed and all the more powerful when one reads it. I am guilty of all the things Jo mentions in that always deferring something I want to do untill a later time. There needs to be a balance as our multiple repsonsibilities creates also a surrounding where others are continually vying for our time.
I found a great article and video here, which reminds us not just of our time, but a perspective on its purpose.
http://ourpurposeoflife.blogspot.com/2011/03/10-elements-of-success.html
Great article, thanks for sharing. Most of it is something we know but when you STOP and think about it you know time is running out. I read interesting points here about success in life:
http://ourpurposeoflife.blogspot.com/2011/03/10-elements-of-success.html
I know I am dying and I am fine with that.
I keep reminding my wife that will outlive me so she can stop bitching at me now because after I am dead she will have plenty of time to have it her way.
Bravo, Donald. I live that way, too. Enjoying the scenery.
Sorry, Ronald.
Apples never looked so scary in all my life!
Thanks for the heads-up, Brett.
I was actually dealing with this feeling that life passes so quick and all I do is watch it pass by.
What I wish is that, even if we don’t get to do great or special things every day, we live every moment and do every little thing with 100% dediccation and passion, so that we won’t look back with sorrow upon the past times.
Thank you for the great article
Titus, as Walt Disney said: All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.
If you wish to do what you say, than pursue it with passion and it will become yours.
Brett- This is easily your best writing here.
I’ll have these same dawning realizations every so often. At a funeral. Looking at my grandparents old Halloween pictures. Lying in bed at night after reading a book. Each time, the most palpable emotion is fear. I just can’t seem to comprehend nonexistence.
But we can’t ponder these things for too long. At some point, you just need to push it away, and get down to the business of living. Of course, that’s the hard part.
Great feature Brett.
Thanks for the great post.
Working in an ER I am constantly reminded of how people try to deny the reality of death in our lives. Living in our modern culture we are divorced from this as well because our meals are cleanly delivered to us (without seeing animals die), messy bodies are cleaned off the highway quickly, and people rarely die at home any more.
Good food for thought on a Monday
Well done piece Brett! I agree that it is vital for every man to have a “wake-up” moment in life. Buddha and Jesus both taught about the need to be “awake” in order to see and hear. While these teachings undoubtedly had to do with becoming awake in a spiritual sense, these teachings can also be used by those who are not religious or spiritual. Like you, I was always waiting to be an adult, or always looking forward to conquering the next mountain (college, law school, career, etc.) then I would be truly happy. Finally one day I realized that I needed to be happy where I was right now, and stop thinking that I will be happy in the future, after I do X. At the same time I also realized that I needed to move on form my past, and stop dwelling on past mistakes.
I have been thinking about this for awhile, being a father to a two year old and turning 27 myself. My son gets older and older every day, as do I… and I have been making the effort to shut the computer, turn off the TV and just play with him – get to know him. Its the best feeling, knowing that your son wants to be friends with you. This is my living in the moment. No amount of travel, or dollars gained will ever replace that. Good work. I am becoming addicted to this site.
Phenomenal. Thanks Brett.
Thanks Brett. This is great.
“There’s nothing like having a kid to make you acutely aware of your own mortality”
…magnified by wondering if you’ll ever see your 3-month-old daughter again while you’re being wheeled into the operating room for open heart surgery.
I am reading this whilst enjoying a quiet lunch in the Madrid sun. I enjoyed a good game of tennis this morning and have some paperwork to do this afternoon before picking the kids up from school but right now I am enjoying the fact that I can just sit here in the sun, the calm and drink a nice glass of wine.
To me carpe diem doesn’t mean we have to constantly be filling our days but that we also take the time to appreciate where we are. I guess I am actively doing nothing rather than passively doing nothing.
That was great.
Excellent!
My ‘this is life’ moment came on a gloomy thanksgiving night in 2008. I was standing guard over 3 dead Iraqi bodies; one was shot in the head with 7.62 round, back of the skull blown wide open so that you can clearly see they dark red mess within. I thought to myself, “These guys were probably full of vigor the other day, ready to carry out their mission in the name of their purpose”. I stood there as the gut wrenching reality began to sink in. This is it. I don’t get a second chance. “Don’t waste it” I thought.
Don’t waste it
Don’t waste it
DO NOT WASTE IT
Having a child certainly spins the world upside down. As you said, Brett, you are no longer the smiling child in those old photos, where your parents are skinny and have outdated hairstyles and clothes. Not everyone has kids, so each person’s moment is their own, but I know that I finally had to face down mortality, change, and the flow of life when I saw my son growing. Getting teeth, learning to crawl, learning to grasp, to eat solid food. As we become adults our appearance really doesn’t change so much anymore, so it’s easy to be lulled into a sense of eternity, though the days on the calendar change and our birthdays start to seem awfully high (Am I really approaching 30? Wasn’t this my “fun” decade of life?). With a child, you start to see that the world continues to spin, we continue to grow older, and there is proof, becuase now my kid barrels down the slide, he says “please” and “thank you”, he is developing his own taste in everything from books to food to clothing.
I am not a man of great ambitions. I do not plan on changing the world in broad strokes. I just want to be a good citizen, a good father, and a good husband. I take the time to cherish holding my child, holding my wife, revelling in the impermanence of each moment. We build things we hope are permanent in life, but nothing is. Nothing can be. It is up to us to embrace this, to consciously decide what we want to do in life, and to make it happen.
As others have said, it is time that is most important. I will never be a high-powered executive. My family, and my time with them, and my own pursuits, are so much more important than an endless quest for money, power, and recognition.
Hello all;
That’s what it means to be a Buddhist. That’s how we strive to live our lives every day, with the understanding that not just our lives but everything is transitory and changing. It’s not that we have are whole lives ahead of us but that we only have today, right now; you may very well get hit by a bus during lunch. So, tell your spouse you love her, hug your kids, teach your son how to cast and your daughter how to bend the ball for a goal. You may have an appointment with worms or a furnace tomorrow.
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley
Cheers…
Wait til that little man turns into a 16 year old with his own ideas on how to wear his hair and a fascination with skinny jeans.
I recall when my step dad was 36 years old. At that time, me being in grade school, I thought that age 36 was somehow the epitome of omnipotence and omni-presence. The age at which one communed with the gods. Now I am 8 years older than he was at that time, and I can see both his faults and weaknesses, and mine.
My grandfather turned 89 years old just yesterday. He said, when he blew out the candle, “I am looking for 90 now.”. He is at the point in his life where he is very happily objective that he is on borrowed time. A good portion of his social life is now attending funerals of friends. A few birthdays back for him, I asked him if he ever felt like he looked in a picture of him when he left Army Basic Training in 1942 (essentially cocksure and handsome). He looked at me and said “son, I don’t know where the hell these wrinkles came from”.
These days, for me, I look at many things I do as being potentially fatal. I work as a correctional officer. I ride a motorcycle. I am getting of the age when the prostate, the colon, and the rest tend to get the better of men. So, I regularly weight train, as I have for more than 20 years now. I strive for the PR, and I eat my vitamins. When I do kick off, early or late, I want to kick off healthy. I watched my dad die in pain in an ICU bed, due to his smoking and poor habits. No need to go like that if you don’t have to.
In any case, as an “older man”, I still enjoy making love to my wife, smoking my pipe, and throwing a leg over my Harley. Not all of it is with the intensity I did it at 25, but the mellowness of it more than makes up for it.
As someone said above, it isn’t about filling your days with events and activities. It is merely not losing sight that each moment has the potential to be your last, and that some moment will be. There will be the last time you make love, the last beer you ever drink, the last time you see your kids, the last time you listen to your favorite Pink Floyd song. So don’t regret that there will be a last time for everything. Just savor it in its due time, and let go of it all without fear.
Be thankful, be joyous, feel lucky. D-Day June 6th, 1944 a young man from anywhere USA hits the beach under heavy fire then stands up to advance, then it happens, he gets hit and its bad but he lays there and he knows he done for. He never “knew” a woman, he never got to see his baby son or baby daughter born, he never got to truly LIVE. This we have been given, rejoice in it.
Let me recommend a couple titles for the deep dive into your own finitude:
Ernest Becker: The Denial of Death (1974 Pulitzer Prize)
Ernest Becker: Escape from Evil (completed at the end of his short life)
Ben
Great article! This topic has been burned into my mind as my twenties have begun to fade. I’ve spent them carelessly and as 30 approaches (I’m 28), I’ve begun to realize that all those “points” in the future where you could begin building wealth, success, etc. have passed. I don’t “have time.” I only have now.
There is a scene in the movie “The Last Samurai” that I think sums it up. The two main characters are conversing and the Samurai tells the American, that like the flower blossom we are all dying and that “to know life in every breath, every cup of tea, every life we take…” is the way of the warrior. That phrase “to know life in every breath” has been a mantra for me lately. We will all end up in the grave and my greatest fear is looking back with regret as death embraces me. So my goal is “to know life in every breath.” And thats not just about achieving goals and hitting milestones, it’s about enjoying the trip.
The “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” is a great book and the main character is taught by the master to ask himself two questions. What time is it? and Where am I? The answers are always: Here and Now. The past is gone and the future is a dream, right now is all you ever have.
Again, great post!
I think some folks have grossly misunderstood my previous comment. It’s not about trying to accomplish some goal, simply for the sake of boasting of an accomplishment.
It stems from decades of saying “I want to… I plan to…” etc…
I had been “wanting to” write a novel for over a decade. The only thing that got in the way of actually doing it was all of the “wanting to.”
I’ve had several “this is your life” moments. The strongest of which came in a bar in a small, Midwestern town. I had been living there, and I was miserable. I was talking to a guy in the bar, who was telling me how he really wanted to make a living as a musician. “That won’t happen here. Why don’t you go somewhere where you can?” I asked him. “Nah,” he said.
I realized then that it was exactly what I did. I talked a lot about the things I wanted to do, so much that I never did any of them. A few days later, I gave my notice at work. Two weeks later, I moved across the country, and started living the life I’d been talking about living my entire life.
great article, very inspiring.
keep up on the good work!
Cheers from France.
In August of 2008 my wife and I found out we were pregnant. Two months later we found out that the cancer I had beat almost five years previous had come back. Ever since then I have been fighting it, with various degrees of success, but I am coming to place now where there are few, if any, options left for treatment. My son just turned two years old a couple of weeks ago, and I try every day to engage him, teach him, and show him my love for him, as I know that every day I am moving closer to death.
Having a child really does change everything. There are times that my son is the only thing that keeps me hanging on. I told my wife the other night that I knew she would be okay when I was gone, but that our son deserved to grow up with his father around, and for that reason I was continuing to fight for my life.
I’d write more, but my boy just asked me if I “want to play game” with him, which is basically “catch” but with a tennis ball and two-year-old body control. I can’t pass that up.
I remember having those moments when I started my family too. Im about to turn 40 and they are hitting me again.
I try very hard to really live each day. The motto i’ve adopted is “These ARE the good ol days” and try to enjoy every moment of every one instead of talking in “somedays”. Of course i often fail, as many of us do, but we keep on.
I have had numerous “this is your life” moments since becoming a parent, after being forced to look for another job, attending the funeral of a youthful friend, etc. Those moments abound when you aware of your mortality.
I’m not sure how or when I stumbled upon this site, but articles like this one are helping me to stay focused on the right things through troubled times and enjoy life. Keep ‘em coming Brett and Kate.
In response to Nick Wright, just to make sure I am clear here: when I use the term “chase it”, “it” is time with friends and family and enjoyment, not necessarily the pursuit of professional accolades. I’ve gone down that slope before, and it is slippery.
You might want to link this article to the delayed gratification article. While it is important to take joy in the daily routine, to chase your dreams while you still can and stop the forever planning that many get caught up in, we have to remember that we do not control our moments or days nor the days we have left. And it is the fool who for love of the road misses the destination. It is only because I know where I’ll spend eternity that I’m happy to enjoy the moments I have here. I have learned the secret to contentment in all circumstances.
Its crazy, I just hit this point in my life and now I see pictures of myself with my child. A little bit older and a little less hair and it reminds me of what I thought of my father when I saw pictures of him with me when i was young.
Yes yes yes!
What finally made the shortness of life thing concrete for me was an exercise where you look up your life expectancy on an actuarial table and calculate your expected number of days remaining. For me, it was 17,011. Then, 17,010, 17,009, 17,008… It really wakes you up! (That was the inspiration for my blog, 17000 Days.)
It’s really hard to get our minds around the fact that someday we’ll be dead, because we’ve had so many days where it hasn’t happened. We don’t really believe it will happen to us. Anything we can do to remind ourselves and make it concrete is good, I think. I’d hate to get to the end and realize I’d wasted it all.
The secret to contentment in all circumstances. That seems illusive. I don’t think that is possible. But, it is true that we can’t control our moment or days. So, i guess we are supposed to enjoy it but, i’ve been planning since i was a kid. i could never enjoy the moment. Therefore I was always jumping from one thing to the next trying to find ‘it’ what ‘it’ was or is. Or trying to find the next big thing. I’m still doing that. I went to college and that didn’t do it. For some reason i’m too busy and don’t have time to enjoy the moment or friends and family. What gives??
Hopeless and frustrated.
But do you really know what you want? What is really worth devoting your life to?
Our desires are tricky things. Many times our desires are not our own. They are so influenced by our surrounding communities and cultures that it seems foolish to attempt to change ourselves by mere will power.
Excellent article – it really hits home.
I think I’m going to record myself reading this and play it every morning as a pep-talk!
It’s so easy to get into the rut of life–to let your life become a train ride, where you have no control and can’t see where you’re going. I find I have to re-learn, every day, how to get off that train and set out across the undiscovered country around me.
Cheers for this. I needed a kick up the arse. About to be made redundant from work, so the time to live is here!
Great article, Brett…and great examples to support it.
This was an excellent article. I literally tell my friends that “there will never be another (month) (day) (year) (time) again” line all the time. To me, that is the most powerful reminder of it all. We are given a chance to do something… it amazes me how little we do with it. At the end of the book that is your life, you can have a redundant mess or an astounding tale. Everyone — choose the later.
I have never been more moved than by this article. I am only 18 and I feel like I already wasted a good chunk of my life, but reading this… I still have my whole life ahead of me. All I need to do now is break out of my habits of uselessness. Thank you, Brett McKay.
I don’t have kids yet. My wife and I have actually struggled with infertility and are in the process of becoming foster/adoptive parents. I have a “good” job but I feel I’m mostly stagnating there. I’ve always wanted to run my own business, and for several years, I’ve been working part-time at a side gig. I’ve started getting up earlier. Some days go by and I feel guilty about how little of value I’ve actually accomplished. I know it sounds cliche but some days I can actually feel sands sliding through my hour glass. I’m 35 and in good shape. But, we live across the street from my wife’s parents and my father-in-law is fighting cancer. It just serves to remind me that time is slipping away for us all.
The following was sent to my wife Suzy and our two children, Mandy and Todd.
**************************************************************************************
I’m at the computer. Cozy is on my lap purring and kneading. I stopped and put my arm around her holding her close and gently stroked her head. Cozy’s purring increased.
Cozy is ten years old. She is slowing down.
I was surprised when the vet mentioned that Cozy was ten years old. It seems like only yesterday Mom and I rescued her.
My 50 year high school reunion is scheduled for next September. As requested by the organizing committee I wrote a brief summary over the preceding 25 years to include work, marriage, kids, interests, etc.
Upon reflection I thought: Life goes poof. Life is precarious. Life is an adventure.
I’ve been fortunate with my marriage, my kids, my choices, even my bad decisions. Alot of it was luck, timing, mental outlook, preparedness, stubbornness, ignorance, happenstance, serendipity or even fate. Whatever.
We’re all at interesting times in our lives. Exciting. Challenging. Apprehensive.
So as the speed of life accelerates, we want to try and cherish these moments. It’s not easy. But I’m trying even more so.
Cozy is now asleep on my lap.
Dad
The death clock (http://www.findyourfate.com/deathmeter/deathmtr.html) says that I’ll live to 85. It is, of course, wrong, but it estimates that I have 22167 days, 17 hours, 59 minutes, 2 seconds left to live.
I turn 25 this week, so I have used roughly 30% of my life. I have made it a habit to start whatever I intend to immediately. I have the wife, home, and job of my dreams.
However, now is not the time to stop. It is the time to dream bigger. Within the next 60 years I intend to obtain a doctorate (50% complete), create my first million (undisclosed% complete), and raise at least 2 successful children (0% complete).
22167 days, 17 hours, 50 minutes, 21 seconds.
This really hits home, as I was thinking similar thoughts earlier today. And the moral of the story is right on: Carpe Diem, seize the day, live in the NOW.
I was thinking that not only are we almost definitely not going to have more time down the road to accomplish are dreams, but we just don’t know how long we have on this earth, period. We may not have decades upon decades that just fly by too fast without us getting around to whatever it is we always told ourselves we’d do in our lifetime. It’s just a fact of life that we don’t know how long we have of it. But while that idea carries a lot of weight, we have to look at it not as a downer, but hopefully as a lightning bolt of inspiration to live a great and fulfilling life RIGHT NOW. GO AFTER IT!
Well done, Brett. A solid Truth. Struck a chord I happened to be focusing on lately myself.
I think of all the AOM Articles I’ve read in the last year and a half, this one has hit me the hardest. Maybe it is merely chance that i am turning 25 this summer. Maybe it was watching a coworker get his head bashed in at work a month ago. Regardless, never before have I regarded my life and mortality more than the last couple months. Thank you for this one.
The Italians have a saying: “il bel far niente” which means, in essence, to actively do nothing. Gotta love ‘em.
Ciao Amici,
Kento Bravo
Long time reader of the site; your articles have always been extraordinarily illuminating and insightful Brett, but this one hits way too close to home. I’m in my mid-20s and since it’s happened, I’ve always had the thought that it could all be over far too soon. This particular one is wonderfully well-timed and inspiring. Thank you. I assure you if all goes to plan, I’ll make sure people know about this website.
Awesome article. It didn’t give me a “this is your life” moment but it sure as hell inspired me to do something I’ve always wanted to do.
As I prepare to turn 50 in 5 months, this article really woke me up. Just the other day I was wondering what the heck happened to all my ideals and dreams. Thanks for posting this and all the great work you do on this website.
How we view mortality depends on what we perceive to be our own telos, our own goal (or end) which defines who we are and what we do. If one believes in the Christian God, for example, then he knows that God will complete what he has failed to do through his own intervention or the action of his other children. I think that this allowed St. Francis of Assisi to live his life to completion better than Seneca, Cicero, or the other virtuous pagans. The poet Cowley sang thus about our passing lives:
This wretched inn, where we scarce stay to bait,
We call our ‘Dwelling Case:
We call one ‘Step’ a ‘Race”:
But Angels in their full enlightened state,
Angels, who Live, and know what ’tis to Be,…
When we , by a foolish figure say,
‘Behold an old man dead!’ then they
speak properly, and cry, ‘Behold a man child born!’
My girlfriend finds it a bit morose that I enjoy talking about death. I find it reassuring and uplifting to remind myself of my mortality as often as possible. This is a nice reminder to, well, keep reminding myself that death is imminent and to seize the day.
Also, thanks for bringing The Dead Poet’s Society into the mix again.
This was a great, very meaningful post. These are things we all think about at one time or another, and it takes someone writing it out every 500 years or so (Seneca, Shakespeare, McKay) to remind us that the time to live our lives is now.
Thanks Brett
“Much may be done in those little shreds and patches of time, which every day produces, and which most men throw away, but which nevertheless will make at the end of it no small deduction for the life of man.”
Source: Robert Burton, Anatomy of Melancholy (pt. I, sec. II, memb. 2, subsect. 6)
I certainly have career goals, and I aim to do the very best I can each day at work. However, if any of my career goals were to clash with the time I spend with my daughter they simply aren’t worth it. Spending as much time as I possibly can with my young family is the most important thing in my life.
What helps me is to imagine my deathbed – would I be sorry I hadn’t put an extra day of work in at the office? Or would I rather say to my family “I made sure you were always first priority”?
Many people I know are wasting their 20s looking at a beer glass each night. I am a young dad and I couldn’t be happier at home. I will finish with a quote from that wonderful Canadian folk singer Stan Rogers from his song ‘Lock-Keeper’:
“Each day you tend this lock, you’re one day older,
While your blood runs colder.
But that anchor chain’s a fetter
And with it you are tethered to the foam,
And I wouldn’t trade your life for one hour of home.”
Sorry – forgot about old friend Seneca:
“The final hour when we cease to exist does not itself bring death; it merely of itself completes the death-process. We reach death at that moment, but
we have been a long time on the way.”
— Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I have been thinking about these very same themes over the last couple of weeks. Your post gave me a new direction in which to direct my own thoughts. Thank you.
Reminds me of a song:
“You’re older than you’ve ever been
And now you’re even older
And now you’re older still.”
-They Might Be Giants (video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ltJ8kK4G90)
Fantastic article, Brett & Kate. Thanks.
“By (the Token of) Time (through the ages),
Verily Man is in loss,
Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy.” [Quran 103:1-3]
Well writen. I often think about my moment of transformation from merely existing to actually living. It was the moment I saw the heartbeat on the sonogram of my first child. I call it “The Awakening”. Everything I had ever done good, bad or ugly became instantly insignificant. It was if I had never been truly alive until that moment. It became clear that this journey was without question the most important I”d ever embark upon.The definitions may be different depending on who’s talking, but for me being a father is truly the apogee of this life.
A revelation that I’ve had many times in life, usually when I did something stupid and came dangerously close killing myself (more times that I care to admit). The thing about it is, as profound as it may seem now, the vagaries of day to day life tend to erode its impact. Fortunately, you will have plenty of opportunities to have that revelation, and unlike heavy petting or foreplay, the feeling you get from it never diminishes.
Next Comments →
Comments on this entry are closed.