So, you’ve decided to stop hanging out with women and start dating them? Bully for you! Now you must take on that ever-intimidating first date. While a first date can be a road fraught with obstacles and snafus, when you have the proper guide, you can make it go off without a hitch. To help you not only get through your first date with a woman, but also enjoy it, we provide the following road map.
Prelude
Plan. Women are suckers for a man with a plan because it shows you have initiative, can think ahead, and aren’t shy about taking the lead. Don’t punt and ask her what she wants to do. Be a man! You’re the one doing the asking, so it’s your duty to come up with something that she’ll enjoy. When a woman is with a man that has a plan, they feel they can relax and really enjoy themselves.
Clean the car. If you’re picking her up in your car, give it a nice cleaning before the date. First impressions matter big time on the first date, and women will check you like a drill sergeant at bunk inspection. Many women will use the cleanliness of your car to gauge how you carry yourself in the rest of your life. If you have empty 32 oz Big Gulp cups, old clothes strewn out in the back, and food crumbs everywhere, your date will assume your house is even messier and that you’re generally a slob during the rest of the week. Not a good first impression.
Also, you might not notice, but your car probably smells. Leaving sweaty gym bags or Saturday morning’s fish catch in a car causes odor to build up in the upholstery. Spare your date the olfactory torture by airing out your car and spraying it down with Febreeze.
Just give the car a quick wash, vacuum it out, and wipe down the vinyl. It will probably take an hour or so, but you’ll be left with a car that will impress your date, even if it’s a 89′ Honda Civic.
Get some cash. Stop by the ATM and pick up some cash. It’s good for greasing palms during the evening, but you’ll also need it to pay for parking and other incidentals.
Dress up to show respect. Dressing up not only leaves a good first impression, it’s just plain respectful. It shows your date you thought enough about them to put your best foot forward. When you show up in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, it’s like telling your date, “Eh… I had nothing better do so I just came over in what I was wearing.” Even if you’ve planned a casual date, put on something dressy casual. No need to bust out a tie. Go for something like a pair of jeans, a button down shirt, a corduroy blazer and a nice pair of boots (shined, of course).
Call her and tell her exactly what you’re going to do on the date. While you might not think about getting ready for your date until a few hours before you pick her up, a lady likes to plan ahead and think about what she’ll wear and how she’ll do her nails.
Show your date that you have some gentlemanly forethought by calling a few days in advance and telling her exactly what you plan on doing with her. This will help her decide how she should dress and make herself up. Women really dislike being dressed inappropriately for the occasion.
Moreover, by knowing what you two will be doing together, your date will feel more comfortable and relaxed which results in her having a good time. Wait for the surprises after you get to know each other better.
The Pickup
Be on time. As my grandpa says, “A gentleman never keeps a lady waiting.” Arriving late shows disrespect and only creates unneeded anxiety in a woman. If you’re running late because of unforeseen circumstances, call your date and let her know your estimated time of arrival.
Also, don’t show up too early. In my experience, women will use every available minute they have to get ready. Don’t piss your date off by showing up 15 minutes early while she’s still in her bathrobe. You’ll only embarrass her because you caught her without her best face on and now she’ll feel pressured to rush getting ready because you’re sitting on the couch. Trust me. That’s not a good way to start off the date.
Come to the door. Only a jackass would honk.
Immediately compliment the way she looks. Most women spend a lot of time and dough prepping for a first date. Let her know that you appreciate it by complimenting her. Don’t hesitate to do it, either. It should be the first thing you do when you walk into the house. Suggested compliments: “You look stunning!” or “That dress looks marvelous on you.”
Open the car door for her. Show your date some old-fashioned chivalry by opening the car door for her. Offer her your hand for support as she slides into the car. Ensure all arms and hemlines are safely inside the car before you shut the door.
The Drive
Instead of music, try talking. Remember: first dates are for getting to know a woman. There’s no better way to do get to know someone than by talking with them. The radio can act as a crutch to avoid awkward moments of silence. If you have music on, both you and your date will probably do more listening than talking. Force yourself to converse with your date by leaving the music off.
If you play music, play it softly and keep the list classy. AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” or Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” are not appropriate. Stick with some classic jazz or crooners like Frank Sinatra or Bobby Darrin. The music is pleasant, warm, and doesn’t distract from conversation. Remember to keep the volume down so you can hear each other talk.
Oh, and don’t play NPR either. Sure, it will make you look “smart” and “enlightened,” but talk radio will kill the conversation between you two. Make a date with Terry Gross when you’re alone in the car and stuck in traffic.
If you’re taking a cab… you should open the door for her, give the cabbie the directions, and pay.
The Date
No movies. We said before and we’ll say it again: the point of a first date is to get to know the person. You can’t do this while you’re both staring at a movie screen.
Keep it simple. You’re not proposing to her, so there’s no need to go overboard on the first date. Keep the first date light, fun, and romantic. You can’t go wrong with dinner and an evening at an art museum. Both activities allow you ample opportunities to talk and get to know each other.
You Pay. No questions. If she offers, just smile, say, “It’s my pleasure,” and hand the waiter your card.
The Door
Walk her to the door. You want to see that she gets safely into her place, and it’s just plain chivalrous. As you walk to the door, offer her your arm. It’s a non-threatening way to initiate body contact without seeming like a perve.
Make your move? There’s no hard or fast rule on whether you should kiss on the first date. Just remember that women put a lot of meaning into a kiss, so don’t go for it if you don’t plan on pursuing a relationship. You just risk confusing and hurting your date.
But if you feel like a kiss is in order, go for it. She might give you her cheek, but that’s alright. Just roll with it and play it like it twern’t nothing. There’s always next time.
You can never go wrong with a hug. Unless it’s a side hug.
Don’t go into her house. First, don’t ask if you can come in. It’s just sleazy.
If she asks, decline. Why? It shows you’re a gentleman, and she’ll respect you even more. More importantly, it’s anticipation that creates romantic sparks (this is why chicks are nuts about those Twilight books). Leave her wanting more.
Follow-up
Call her the next day. We’ve all probably heard those dumb rules about waiting a day and then a day before calling a woman you took out on a first date. Forget them. Just call the next day. Thank her for a lovely evening and if things clicked for you two, ask for a second date.
If she’s not there, leave a message thanking her and ask her to call back. If she doesn’t call back within 48 hours, give another call. If she still doesn’t call back, learn to take a hint and pursue other options.
And absolutely under no circumstances does a man text, Facebook or Twitter their date to follow up with them. Be a man, pick up the phone, and give her a call.
Any other first date tips? Share them with us in the comments!
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This is fabulous!!
I do have two, related, suggestions. First, the thing about how cars can smell funny — this is true, but please be careful with the Febreeze, air fresheners, etc. As a woman with migraines, I can tell you that I ban all such stuff from my house, and dousing your car in it will end a date early because I will come down with a migraine. Which brings me to point number two: go easy on the cologne! Same problem. I personally would prefer the slightest hint of french fries from your lunch in the car yesterday to having to ask you to take me home early!
These are pretty solid words,
but it does not include such situations as when she insists on driving herself / both of us.
Which is fine I suppose, but how / what rules are changed if at all?
My date was rather proud of her 07 Jag ( and should be it’s amazing ) and wanted to drive us,
couldn’t see anything wrong with that though it put me a little off balance.
Every man in the country should read this. Preferably several times over.
A decent article, all things considered, but a disagree on one point. The choice of music should feel natural and appropriate. I would never play anything I wouldn’t enjoy by myself because it smacks of trying too hard to impress. This doesn’t mean I’m going to roll up to her house blaring gangsta rap or death metal, but playing the Rat Pack or Miles Davis if my tastes and personal style doesn’t match the music comes across as phony. Don’t play argentinian tango if you don’t even know who Astor Piazolla is.
The principles are solid, but some of the specific recommendations are a little outdated.
Michael,
I thought musical taste would make or break a relationship too. However, I ended up marrying a man who listens to country, but I listen to classic rock. You can’t let such a small thing stand between you and another person.
And on a first date, you’re probably not going to know what particular songs a person might like, so if I were you, I would shy away from making your date a cd.
I agree with the majority of this advice with a couple possible exceptions.
About opening car doors, I used to think I should always open them but have had many women tell methey think it’s cheesy and out-dated. That they would rather do it themselves. Plus things could get a bit awkward considering everybody has keyless entry these days.
As for music, I’m a musician who takes music very seriously and I listen to everything from Elvis Pressley to Slayer. For obvious reasons you don’t want to go with anything to fast or heavy but I think some alt-country, most Ryan Adams for instance, played at a moderate volume would work really well.
My two cents. Great article.
I would also add to this the suggestion that men leave their cell phones and beepers at home or work. Nothing tells a woman that you are not attentive as the ringing of a phone or beeper that has to be answered. Also, leave your business at home or at the office and give her your full attention.
Consider that once shes done with this polite guy, she will be chasing some jerk who only wants to get into her pants, and he will get some.
Scratch the pleasing her frame. Hopefully you picked a girl who can dig and like what you like, it being hard rock or whatever you love. When on a date, pick anything you love and share it. Have a wonderul time that is fun for YOU, and share it with her. If she doesnt seem to enjoy it, you casted her wrong. Next.
Great article! There are some excellent pointers here for any man trying to plan a first date. I notice some of you are scoffing and cricitizing, pointing out how you’d rather play whatever music you like, or how you don’t want to open the car door and so on. To you, I say: read this article again, then read it again. This isn’t about you trying to show off like a peacock. You’ve got to have some finesse; show restraint and let her do some of the talking and tell you what she likes. Based on her input, you can decide if another date may be in the future. You see what I mean? You keep it simple and understated, and she’ll probably be much more likely to open up and give her opinions on whatever it is you choose to talk about. Then you’re really getting to know her, and not just waiting for her to shut up so you can play this awesome song you downloaded the other day.
You might feel like a dork at first because you’ve never had to be considerate on that level before, but believe me, there aren’t many women in the world who are revolted by an attentive, chivalrous and mature-acting man. Such easygoing authority is usually quite appealing to women. If she is repulsed by these attributes, then it sounds like you’re about to spend the evening with a little girl, and you may want to forget about a second outing with her.
Arguing that this article is no good or is outdated is fine if you don’t want to change how you already are. But if you’re thinking of changing the league you socialize in, this little guide is a fine place to start.
I find it interesting that the women who’ve commented on this article seem, one and all, to be possessed of perfect confidence and aplomb, deigning to advise us lesser creatures as to ways not only to succeed with them but to succeed with all women everywhere. This condescension may or may not be an affectation. If it’s not, it brims with conceit. You’d never dream that many women, like many men, are ordinary and unremarkable persons.
I don’t disagree with the advice given here. I’m sure it’s quite good. Indeed, of the twenty-nine dating rules with which I’m familiar, I violated one of them on my most recent date, rule #27, and quickly paid the price. Yet run of the mill men and women somehow manage to find one another and some even stay together, I don’t know how they do it.. Perhaps their secret lies in that they’ve somehow managed to get over themselves.
Well, I’ve been following this site for several months now. Haven’t dated for several months either. Met a woman recently that has greatly sparked my interest.
I decided to get on here and see what I could find about “first date” advice. I tend to strongly lean toward “old-fashioned” ideals, so this was very harmonious for me. Of course, if these ideas never went out of fashion to begin with, it wouldn’t be considered just “old fashioned”…
So, I loved it. All of it. A lot of it I already adhere to, and a few things I’ll add to my knightly satchel. Very grateful for that. After reading all the comments though, one of the great bonuses has been all the women that commented in great favor to it also. I think they ALL did!
This makes it quite simple now! Thanks for your input ladies.
Great article! Now- to get that date! :-)
This article is absolutely, positively spot on–about everything!!
I don’t know a girl who wouldn’t be happily captivated by a man who comports himself this way.
I wish all men would read this one!
I love this article and AOM, please keep on writing to teach me and the newer generations! The situation is, I want to date this girl I went to my senior Prom with, my question is what type of first date should it be for a girl you know pretty well?
Please and thank you.
One question about flowers is this. We always use the word “flowers” but what if you just take one flower? A single rose, or carnation. Would that make any difference in the “your trying too hard” vs the” it’s a romantic thing to do” debate?
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