Source: Life
Editor’s note: This is a guest post by A.J Rippo. Mr. Rippo is the author of Retribing. For a chance to win his book, see the details below.
Accomplished men are often heard attributing their success in part to the impact of mentors on their lives, and much has been written about the many benefits this special class of teacher can bestow. But the quest to find good mentors can be daunting, disheartening, and even dangerous. Here are four commonly encountered barriers to finding good mentors and suggestions for avoiding or overcoming them.
Lack of Motivation
No one finishes a marathon without a great deal of motivation, and unless you’re very lucky, the same holds true for finding mentors. Would you like to achieve success in your career faster? A professional mentor will help you. Are you interested in exploring the great mysteries of the universe and your purpose within it? A spiritual mentor will assist you. Do you want to sharpen and expand your mind beyond your academic education? An intellectual mentor will challenge you. Could you use some guidance in making big life decisions? An older mentor will offer valuable insight and help you to avoid costly and embarrassing mistakes. In order to squeeze the most out of your life, you will need to have mentors; to find them, you will need to stay motivated.
Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing
Perhaps we are most vulnerable when we seek to fulfill a need, and the younger we are, the easier prey we make for predators. There are three rules that everyone, especially children, should follow when recruiting mentors:
Before you seriously consider someone as a potential mentor, get the opinion of someone you trust. If you are a teenager or pre-teen, get permission from your parents, grandparents, aunts, or uncles. Although they are in the minority, some predators hold jobs as teachers, police officers, clergymen, and coaches. Do not seek out strangers in person or on the Internet.
Do not trust a mentor who asks you to keep secrets. Anyone who encourages you to keep secrets, especially regarding their mentorship, should not be trusted. Run away as fast as you can. (This does not apply to a mentor’s request that you respect his privacy if he shares personal stories to make a point, etc.)
Avoid gangs. Not having a mentor at all is better than having a bad one. While gang affiliation may seem to provide some of the many benefits of mentorship, it is ultimately a dead end at best.
The Horse That Doesn’t Drink
Listening is a skill, and its practice will improve all of your relationships. The more skilled you are at listening, the more you will hear. The more you hear, the more of your mentors’ wisdom you will have available to apply to your life. But, what if you don’t like what you hear?
To reap the benefits of being mentored, you must be ready to handle criticism and disapproval. A mentor’s job is not merely to offer praise for worthy efforts and achievements, but also to point out weaknesses and failures, and to offer insight on how to surmount them. If you have recruited good mentors, pay special attention to their criticisms and disapprovals as these often offer the best opportunities for personal growth. Good mentors challenge you to stretch from and leave your comfort zone. Remember the old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Don’t be the horse that doesn’t drink!
Rejection
Dealing gracefully with rejection is a skill that every man needs to develop as it’s a natural part of a full, healthy life. We face rejection when we apply for jobs, when we ask women for dates, and also when we seek mentorship. Learning from these experiences helps us refine how we present ourselves during future opportunities and increases our chances for eventual success.
Like potential employers and dates, mentors differ greatly from one to another. Volunteers of organizations such as Big Brothers usually welcome direct requests for mentorship while busy professionals often run the other way. Tailor your approach for each prospective mentor. When seeking a businessman who keeps a busy schedule, consider whether you share any common interests such as a sport or charity organization; building a friendship in this context may lead to a better result. When you’re turned down, get over your reasonable disappointment and treat rejection as an opportunity for improvement.
The Retribing Giveaway
Want to learn more about overcoming these and other barriers to mentorship? Read RETRIBING: The Unpaved Road to Manhood, by A. J. Rippo, an inspiring tale of an ordinary boy stranded on the path to becoming a man.
Retribing is a story about a boy who wants to be a man but has no male role-models at home. In the hills near his school, he encounters a mysterious warrior chief (real or imagined) who shows him the way. The warrior chief’s feathers represent the fundamental building-block virtues of manhood (perseverance, responsibility, boldness, physical prowess, perspective, independence, etc.). The book is perfect for males of any age, and for the mothers, fathers, and mentors who raise them to be men.
To enter to win a copy of Retribing by A.J Rippo leave a comment about:
- A barrier you’ve encountered in finding a mentor, or
- A barrier you’ve encountered in learning from a mentor, or
- What has worked for you in successfully finding and learning from a mentor
Contest ends Sunday, August 30, 2009 at 11PM CST.
As usual, I’ll randomly pick two people from the entries.
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There are always barriers to finding a quality mentor… from time restrictions to really finding the guy who can put up with you and your junk and still love you enough to push you along the course of life. My main barrier to finding the right mentor was finding an older man who was truly committed and knew how to mentor. Two of the men who “wanted to mentor” me didn’t really realize that they would have to commit time to meeting and “doing life together.” In that, though, it has taught me how to mentor other men and teenagers better, in my role within the Church.
3 things I have found helpful in finding a mentor:
1) be vulnerable – it takes humility and vulnerability to admit that we don’t have it together and actually need advice. Simply put… mentorship doesn’t work without vulnerability.
2) bring something to the table – every mentor wants to find somebody “good” and help them acheive “greatness”, so show him that you have the potential of greatness by bringing something of substance to the relationship.
3) be bold enough to ask – when you see somebody you fully respect and want to be your mentor, be bold enough to ask (in a classy way)… tell him exactly what you see in him and why you think he’d be a great person to learn from.
The person I would like to have as a mentor is a great distance away, and is also a busy man. I don’t know how to ask him, and what value I could get out of phone conversations.
Finding out who your mentor or role model is a big step, as it requires a great deal of humility. Once you have decided who your mentor will be, get out a pen and list the qualities you admire most about them
Barrier: Making the time amid both our busy lives to meet and really talk.
Where do you find a worthy mentor?
The problem that many may have with finding a mentor is commonality. I have found many men through out my life that I respected their opinion, but after I got to know them it was not what I would consider a mentor. Most were good men but due to contrasts in our personality or core beliefs it is not what I imagine a mentor to be. Unfortunately I have not found that great sage or shaman to help guide me through this difficult world in which we live. So I have tried to take bits and pieces of admirable qualities that I have found in men past and present. Though this doesn’t help in the day to day situations I hold out hope that it will help in being a mentor for my son as he grows in to a man. So if you are discouraged in your quest to find a mentor, don’t worry the goal is what is worth your effort not the trials you face in getting there.
I’d like to share something that I routinely use in being a mentor to struggling boys. I’ve had wonderful results; and the boys (even their mothers and sisters) are interested immediately and want one of their own. If brief description, here is what I have done:
1.) I have read and put to use the book, “Raising a Modern Day Knight” by Robert Lewis. In it he points out these essential points to being a man.
A.) Reject passivity
B.) Accept respsonsibilities and duties
C.) Lead with courage
D.) Anticipate joy or expect the greater reward
2.) I had these principles stamped on official military dogtags; completed with a chain.
3.) I hand these out to the boys (and family members) that I work with as an ever present reminder of a code of conduct to follow when difficult decisions arise or old habits sneak back in. One only needs to pull the dogtag out from their collar and ask themselves these questions: Am I rejecting passivity, am I accepting my duties, am I leading with courage or giving in to peer pressure, am I anticipating joy and will things get better if I can just hold on?
A dogtag can be a manly object to possess. I often will display and share with those I mentor my own Army issued tags from 20 years ago while relaying lessons of diligence, determination, and discipline.
Among the hundreds of boys that I have worked with over the years, not even one has had a “strong” male figure consistently present in his life. Where have all the “MEN” gone? Chances are if you are reading this, you might BE an authentic man; or would LIKE to be one. In that case; please find just one struggling boy to mentor. Your efforts will not go unnoticed.
The best mentor I ever had was purely accidental. I found myself working for a person from whom I learned a great deal. Sometimes, the key is to be observant, and accept unscheduled, un-arranged, natural mentoring when it presents itself.
Interesting post – I understand the desire/need from people, but in a way I admire the guys that want to find it out by themselves – maybe tougher and slower route, but then, learning the hard way is usually the best way…
Are you going to publish the winners? Personally I like Beau’s post best – thanks for sharing!
At my last job I had a mentor when I started my apprenticeship and he was sort of an ornery fellow. He had a wealth of knowledge and was real good. He was accused of being slow but when the job was finished it was done right and completel. He didn’t tolerate bad work habits and he wasn’t politcally correct about informing others if they did. I took it upon myself to learn beyond my course of study and there were several times I saved his rear. After that he took me under his wing and passed on alot of info and treated me very well. I guess I just had to prove I was worthy.
It kind of came full circle years later when I worked an apprentice and he was struggling. He was on loan to our area from another part of the state. I had to sit down with him and simply explain what was expected of him and why he was given certain duties. Along with his work ethics, knowledge and skills his attitude was being formed and tested at the same time. He made it through his apprenticeship when he got home. Knowing the expectations of everyone involved makes the mentorship so much better.
A comment on Jay’s post:
“I understand the desire/need from people, but in a way I admire the guys that want to find it out by themselves – maybe tougher and slower route, but then, learning the hard way is usually the best way…”
Becoming and being a man is very much an individual journey that we undertake on our own. In this regard, I agree with Jay. However, being mentored does not mean that we don’t “find it out by [our]selves.” Mentors are like tools that help each of us individually build ourselves into men (or to improve the men we are).
If a man desires to build himself a house, I recommend he use a hammer, saw, drill, and wide variety of other tools. Such use does not diminish the value of the lessons learned, nor his contribution to the finished product. A man could certainly build himself a house without using any tools, but as Jay points out the process will be “tougher and slower.” Life is short – there is so much to enjoy, experience, accomplish, share, etc… I believe a man should use tools. A mentor is a tool that helps an individual build upon himself.
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