Comments on: Loss, Grief, and Manliness: What Every Man Should Know about Losing a Loved One

By: mark

mark — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 00:35:24 +0000

i’ve never been on this site before, but finding it very helpful, and very informative. i too have lost, get this, my mother, father and my sister within a two year period. on top of leaving a 10 yr. relationship under the not so best of circumstances. i’ve had to deal with all of this my own my own, which at times probably is not the best way. their are times i blame myself, their are times i’am mad at myself, everything seems so unfair.. i miss all of them so much. especially the fellow who wrote everytime i look at a mirror, i see my father, i can relate.i mostly regret not telling them i love them, as much as i should of. it’s been two years now, and i still have moments, where i totally break down and cry, which according to my father,is not very manly.it just overcomes me.their has been times when a bottle of booze has been my best friend. i don’t the grieving to ever leave, cus that’s what keeps me remembering them, but i just wish it would get easier.i do think, like the gentleman said, your not a man untill your father passes away is so true, i lost my way thru life. i have no footsteps to follow.

By: Alexander

Alexander — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 02:59:02 +0000

Hi,

Pete:
My Dad died in 04. I was 16 and I’m now 22. I find it hard (well, more like really hard) to focus on anything. I’m lucky enough to have Mum living with me. I don’t know what I’d do if I were alone. For a while, we didn’t do anything that needed doing around the place, and no tidying. The place is a mess, and so I know how hard it is to tidy a room.

I’ve been trying to focus, and I don’t have any answers. I’m barely scraping through at uni. I’m failing a good few papers. I got a warning letter at the end of last year, so I’m going to have to lift my game.

If it were possible, I wouldn’t be selling the house right away.

It must be really difficult without a will. It wasn’t that easy for us, even though my Dad had a will. Dad has some adult “kids” from a previous marriage as well as me. Even though we get along ok, I do recall some minor difficulties.

About Christians: I went to a Christian school. My friends are all Christian. I feel like there’s no-one to talk to about it, as I think they’ll try and get me to go to church and accept God. Really, I want to say to them (but don’t want to end up no friends, so don’t): “why should I believe all this? Give me some reason to think this is real.”

Maybe you should try to talk to those 60+ people you mentioned. Also try to keep in contact with your Dad’s friends. I know that’s really hard. I feel quite shy talking to them, since I don’t know them all that well.

I’m sorry to hear about your brother, Faith. I don’t know what to say.

Kate: It’s hard to contain your pain and avoid lashing out at people. He may have seemed like he meant what he said, but I don’t think he did. I think he’ll regret what he did – maybe not now, but I think he will. I’ve lashed out at Mum (not physically, thank goodness) a bit and pushed her away at times. I regret doing that.

By: Kate

Kate — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 20:06:12 +0000

My boyfriend recently lost his mom unexpectedly. His response was to lash out at me. He did not want me at the wake or funeral saying that he needed to be strong for his dad. He said many hurtful things and broke up with me. I do not blame him as I know it was the grief, but he has left me confused. Did he really mean all those things he said? Or was it truly the grief? All I want to do is be there for him, but he has completely pushed me away. Is there any hope that he will come around and realize what he has done? Prior to his mom’s death he also lost his dog. I happened to be with him at the time. He had a similare response, and I gave him his time and speace and eventually he came back around, but this grief goes much deeper, and I am just not sure what to do.

By: Dan

Dan — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 22:11:08 +0000

I know this is late in the mix, but in case anyone’s reading these comments down the road, a great book on how a man can observe grief in a mature and beneficial way is “A Grief Observed,” by C.S. Lewis. Admittedly, this is a Christian perspective, and may not appeal to all, but it’s a helpful book.

Interesting note: He wrote it after his wife passed away, and he released it under a pen-name, and his friends started mailing copies to him to help him cope with the loss of his wife.

By: Faith

Faith — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:18:37 +0000

Neither of my brothers really like me, but I’m worried about my eldest, Joe. Our dad died 7 years back, and he still has problems, Which would be ok, except that He has been treating said problems with alcohol. Which has managed to screw with his life on several occasions except he still sees alcohol as his friend. Is there anything I can do to help him? I don’t know about psychological help, none of us could afford to get it for him… But maybe I don’t know enough about that. Any suggestions?

By: Pete

Pete — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:52:13 +0000

I turned 21 in early October, and lost my dad in August. So far, just trying to do the practical stuff (estate, selling the house, paying bills) has kept me from doing much grieving. Are there any men on here who lost their fathers at a young age? (even though I don’t feel like it, I DO realize that 21 is young) Is it normal to not have focus, even on everyday things like cleaning, moving from room to room leaving clean spots in the middle of a trashed room? I’m doing my best to cope, and I don’t know how else I can keep focus. As the oldest kid, I’m the personal rep for my dad’s estate, and without a will, that makes for a difficult situation. My parents divorced and my mom can’t be around every day to help.

Needless to say, I think that I may be able to call on some of my ‘man friends’ on here, because I have no friends near me younger than 60 who’ve lost their dads.

By: library_goon

library_goon — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 19:33:59 +0000

I’m glad I found this post. My father died recently, and I’ve experienced all the above symptoms, except substance abuse. I’m coping in my own way. I’m sure I’ve made some ‘mistakes’ (if that’s the right word – not sure if there’s a right or wrong way to deal with it), but there are two things that I’m proud of: 1) Being at my Father’s bedside when he passed away in the hospital & 2) Taking good care of my Mom. At least I won’t have those regrets.

By: David Fajgenbaum

David Fajgenbaum — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:35:08 +0000

I read this story with interested and wanted to share an organization you may be interested in with the readers:

I am the Co-Founder and Executive Director of the National Students of AMF (deceased or “Ailing, Mothers, Fathers” or loved ones) Support Network. “AMF” is also my mom’s initials who died almost 5 years ago from a brain tumor while I was a sophomore in college. I promised her two weeks before she passed away that I would do something to help other students at Georgetown grieving the illness or death of a loved one like myself in her memory. I started the group at Georgetown and students from other schools wanted to start groups too, so my best friend and I began a national, nonprofit organization to help students coping with the illness or death of a loved one, mainly by helping them start chapters of Students of AMF.

We are the only organization dedicated to supporting college students coping with the illness or death of a loved one and empowering all college students to fight back against terminal illness.

We accomplish our mission by helping students to start chapters of Students of AMF on college campuses nationwide (currently 26; Students of AMF chapters connect students to other peers who “understand” through a Support Group, provide opportunities for all students to fight back against terminal illness through the Service Group, and opportunities for faculty mentors to provide support to members of the Support Group), providing information and support through http://www.studentsofamf.org, raising awareness about the needs of grieving college students by annually hosting a National Conference on College Student Grief and National College Student Grief Awareness Week, and holding fundraising events, including the annual Boot Camp 2 Beat Cancer & Family Fun Walk and AMF Banquet.

Our website is http://www.studentsofamf.org to learn more or you can check out a Today Show feature story about National Students of AMF at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxgnQUIyMow

If you have any questions, I would love to speak with you at any time.

By: Mike Slinskey

Mike Slinskey — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 20:11:00 +0000

Firstly, I want to send my condolences for the loss of your father. The grieving process can be pretty tough enough without the added emphasis of how an individuals self-medicating nature is interrupting their day to day lives. Males who feel vulnerable often go through periods or phases to where they either surround themselves with people who do not know there particular situation (so as not to be interrogated about there emotional state).

Or in most cases of denial, resign themselves to a life of solitude. The later can more so render them susceptible to substance abuse like alcoholism or other types of depressants. I too believe that guys who can’t coup with reality subjectively find solace in taking out there emotional angst through fits of anger. Its a type of physiological repression that so happens to be more prominent in men, well more so than women.

By: Rick

Rick — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 01:56:56 +0000

Wow, thanks for the great article with the advice. Like Danny above, I too have just lost my Dad. I haven’t checked the site in a couple of weeks and I’m glad I did. I think the hardest part for me has been the realization that I’ll never great chance to go another ballgame or spend another day fishing with him. I’m lucky to have the support of my wife and extended family as well as my best friend who has been through the same thing.

By: Danny

Danny — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 12:04:37 +0000

This is… timely.

The day before this was written, my father passed away.

Thank you.

By: Mike Wright

Mike Wright — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:06:53 +0000

PBates – I am very sorry at the passing of your father. Having gone through it with my mother, there’s not much anyone can say or do to make you feel much better at this point. Know though that you will feel better eventually.

I can’t defend the actions of your Christian family members because I don’t agree with them. In a not-so-Christian way, let me just say that “death sucks.” Quoting churchy phrases at a time like this in your life is insulting and I don’t blame you for the way you feel.

I will stand up for their good intentions however. They obviously love and care for you and were reaching out to you in the best way they know. You might cut them some slack.

Here’s one thing about people of faith though; we don’t check our faith at the door for some issues then pull it out of our pockets for others. It isn’t a Sunday morning only thing, at least it shouldn’t be. Christianity, or any faith for that matter, isn’t meant to be situational. It’s a life…a 24/7 thing permeates every part of our lives. (I’ll grant you that on Sunday mornings churches are full of people that turn into a-holes on Mondays. It’s been said that the biggest thing going against Christianity is Christians!)

Finally, the shortest verse in the Bible is when Jesus heard about the death of his friend. The verse is “Jesus wept.” Like I said, death sucks. Jesus knew that and he grieved, he cried.

Blessings buddy.

By: Matt

Matt — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 22:34:12 +0000

I’m 22, I experienced loss and grief when i was 8 yrs old, my oldest brother was killed in an RTA (road traffic accident), i dont know when I eventually came out of my grief but I do know that it has helped me help others to cope with there grief and or loss

By: Josh

Josh — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:19:44 +0000

Great post. A good related resource http://www.loveandforgive.org/

By: PBates

PBates — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:36:01 +0000

I lost my father last month. I defended my masters in April and I am currently working on my Ph.D. in physics, so I think I am going through something very similar to what Mr. Brian Burnham went through. My life was going great before my father died, I had just earned a masters from one of the top ranked universities in the world, I finished a summer traveling all over the world and came back to the U.S. in time to celebrate the 4th of July. Three days later, my dad was gone. I have experienced all the symptoms mentioned here, but lucky for me I seem to cope exactly how researchers have found is the most effective. The hardest thing is looking in the mirror. I look so much like my father that I am reminded of him every time I see myself.

As for Mike Wright and other theists who wish to know how to deal with grieving non-theists. The most important thing is to not inject your religious beliefs into the issue. You have to understand that telling me “God does everything for a purpose” or “God will guide you” is insulting. Imagine if I replaced God with Daffy Duck and told you those things while you were grieving. After being inundated with these platitudes from many Christian family members, I was driven to respond harshly. “I am a grown man, stop telling me fairy tales.”