Meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time is a big step in a relationship. You’re taking it up a notch from casual dating; you’re saying that you’re ready to start to solidifying your couplehood by placing yourself inside of her social and familial circle and allowing them to put a face to the name. You won’t be able to slink away later as an anonymous dude. You’re ready to announce your interest in a lady to the most important people in her life.
Thus, the experience can be a tad nerve racking. Parents are pretty protective of their daughters. They want to feel comfortable with the idea of you as a boyfriend, as possibly the future man in her life. A boyfriend can make a woman completely happy or totally wreck her life, and they want to know that it’s the former. And on the flip side, your girlfriend really wants her family to like you. She wants you to shine so she can get their approval. And if she’s hoping for a long-term relationship with you, she’s got her fingers crossed that you’ll get along with them.
So that’s a lot of pressure. But you’re a man and you’re cool under pressure. But to have that kind of confidence you have to prepare. Follow the tips below, and your girlfriend’s mom will be raving about you to all her friends.
Make a Great First Impression
It’s cliché, but it’s the truth; you never have a second chance to make a first impression. Your girlfriend’s parents are going to be sizing you up and making assumptions about you the minute you walk through the door.
Dress sharp. Nothing telegraphs more about your personality than your clothes. Besides your face, it’s the first thing your girlfriend’s parents are going to be taking in when they open the door. Even if you’re just having a casual dinner at their house, look presentable and put together. It’s hard to go wrong with khakis and a nice polo shirt. Don’t wear anything too outlandish. If your clothes need ironing, iron them.
Bring flowers for mom. We instantly like people who come bearing gifts. So present mom with a classy bouquet. If you purchased the flowers from the grocery store, take a moment to remove the price tag before you get out of the car.
Give a friendly greeting. As soon as you meet the parents, look them in the eye, smile and offer a firm handshake to both parents. Give a manly handshake, not a dead fish. Address them as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Do not call them by their first names until they ask you to. Even after you have met your girlfriend’s parents several times, address them as Mr. and Mrs. Smith until they ask you to call them by their first names.
Build Rapport
Be engaged in conversations. One of the best ways to be charming is to act genuinely interested in people. People like others who seem interested in their lives, and they love to talk about themselves. So ask your girlfriend’s parents questions and listen attentively when they talk to you. When they tell you things, ask follow-up questions to get more details. And follow the basic rules of polite conversation: avoid controversial topics, don’t interrupt, don’t swear ect.
Give compliments. It’s almost always a good idea to say how nice their house is. If the place is clearly a dump, then skip it, of course. Giving praise will backfire if it’s not sincere. If they cook for you, always compliment the grub. And ask for seconds, even if you’re not hungry. Say something nice about your girlfriend too. Her parents raised her, so you’re really complimenting them at the same time. Naturally, you should never overdo it with the praise. There’s a big difference between being a kiss-up and being polite.
Don’t act nervous. Even if you are. Much of how we judge a man is related to his confidence and bearing. Even if her dad intimidates you, and is clearly sizing you up, don’t act intimidated. Look him right back in the eye. Speak clearly and articulately. You’ll never gain his manly respect by staring at your shoes and breaking out in a sweat. And if you appear shifty, the parents may assume you have something to hide.
Be a Good Houseguest
If you’re spending the night with your girlfriend’s parents, be sure to follow the rules of being a polite houseguest. In addition, remember to follow some additional guidelines:
Be prepared to sleep in separate rooms. Even if you and your girlfriend currently live together, if her parents want you to sleep in separate rooms, then do so without complaint or comment. You’re in their house and should follow their rules. If you are given a sleeping bag and asked to sleep on the sofa, do so happily.
Don’t walk around in your skivvies. Don’t come to breakfast in your BVD’s. Always bring a t-shirt and pajamas pants with you so that if you’re woken in the night or they walk in on you in the morning, mom’s not going to get an eyeful of your man junk.
Leave a Good Impression
How you leave your girlfriend’s parent’s house is just as important as how you enter. Leave them thinking happy thoughts about you.
Give them a nice goodbye. When you’re leaving, thank your girlfriend’s parents for your visit. Tell them what a pleasure it was to meet them. Shake hands again. If mom goes in for the hug, give her a good one.
Write a thank you note. If it was a brief meeting, this is not necessary. But if they made you dinner or you stayed at their house, write them a thank you note. If you were an overnight guest, you can do this while still in their home; leave the note on your bed or the kitchen counter. So you might want to bring some stationery with you.
Any other advice for meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time? Leave a comment.
Many thanks to AoM reader and mother of two daughters, Leslie Tincher for the idea for this post and much of the material for it.
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
…even if you are living together… ? seems like a boyish riding of the fence. You either are married or you are not. Why would you complicate and risk your independence when you are independent and not married. “The guy that is living with your daughter”, is not a good way to make a first impression. Don’t be that guy.
I haven’t met any of my gf’s parents yet. It feels like such a milestone. Maybe I’m just over thinking it’s importance.
Man up! Sure it is your girlfriend/boyfriends parents, and there can be some trepidation, but you meet people all the time. It will be just two more people to meet. Don’t over think it.
Also you may learn something that will help you decide if the person is “the one” you want to marry, or dissolve the relationship and look for someone new.
While I think the spirit of this post is right on, I would have to note that there is such a thing as “trying too hard.” If your potential future father-in-law (because, frankly, there is no reason to date if you’re not ultimately headed toward marriage) gets a “trying too hard” vibe from you, it may be as effective as “appearing shifty”; you’ll look like you’ve got something to hide.
How can you avoid the “trying too hard” scenario? Here’s my thoughts:
1) Be natural. If something on this list is not natural for you, it’s probably best left off. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stretch yourself to make a good impression, but it should come across as sincere, not play-acting. You don’t want your future in-laws to think you’re good at acting polite; you want them to see that your *are* polite.
How can you achieve this? It shouldn’t be an act. Learn politeness. Learn manners. We should all be working on this daily, not just in preparation for meeting the parents. Practice makes permanent.
2) Get to know your audience. Your girl should understand that you’re a little nervous and want to make a good impression, and she knows her parents about as well as anyone can, so get her advice. Would getting flowers for mom be impressive, or would it come across as “trying too hard”?
Finally, a note about referring to the future in-laws as “Mr.” and “Mrs.”: I dated my wife for about 3 years before getting married, and we’ve been married for a year and a half now, and I still refer to her parents as “Mr.” and “Mrs.”. I’m pretty sure they’re fine with first names (that’s how they refer to each other’s parents), but somehow I’m just stuck on the Mr. and Mrs.
couple of quick things to add:
-Conversation:
Never bring up politics or religion when meeting parents for the first time, ever. (If you’re rather liberal and the parents have a book by Glenn Beck laying on the counter, probably not a good idea to bring politics into the picture since it’s going to turn into an argument rather than any interesting, worthwhile conversation)
The most important things to remember when meeting someone’s parents is that you want to get to know them, have them get to know a bit about you, and to not come off as a huge tool, seem self centered, or seem distant. Moderation on all fronts is the key to success here, always.
I also think that the flowers are a bit much. If you’re going over to meet the ‘rents, especially for dinner, a good strategy is to bring a dish to add to the meal. It shows that you want to be part of the action, and you get to showcase any cooking skills you may have. You may want to double check with your lady to make sure no one has any allergies though just so it doesn’t end in disaster.
As an aside, if you know they’ve got strong feelings about religion/politics and you happen to agree with their views, then I wouldn’t forbid myself from talking about it.
My wife and I take our Catholic faith very seriously, as does her family. Sharing that bond of Catholicism and being able to talk about it freely and intelligently probably did more to impress my future father-in-law than my stunning good looks.
Another good idea: If it’s a longer visit, like if they live in another city, and they put you up in a guest room, be sure to leave the room cleaner than it was when you got there.
I like these comments, especially the one about not trying too hard.
I get along with my in-laws, and although we’re probably more polite than warm, that’s a lot better than impolite!
One unusual thing: I’m a Southerner and absolutely cannot call them by their first names; it feels like I’m insulting them. They’re from the North and find “Mr. and Mrs. X” offensive. I thought about it, and . . . developed pet names for them. Mrs. didn’t like hers, so she’s Grandma now. Mr. thinks his is funny, so we go with that. Compromise.
Spot on!
I called (and was expected to call) my in-laws Mr. and Mrs. until we were engaged. Once the engagement was a done deal, it was ok to call them Mom and Dad. I’ve never called them by their first names, oddly enough.
Not enough guys make the effort, in my opinion. If you respect your girlfriend, and respect her parents, then put in the effort to make a great impression.
My current girlfriends parents had me over for dinner the first time that I met them and her younger brother. I was very nervous. I had purchased a bottle of Duvel (expensive Belgian beer) for her father and flowers for her mother. Her mother made a huge, wonderful meal. Pork chops, home made saurkraut, mashed potatoes….it was great. Things were going very well. The conversation was flowing, I had them laughing, and we were all getting along. The nervousness I had felt moved into confidence and comfort and I was in my element.
It was then that my girlfriends brother (and now one of my good buddies) decided to try and eat half of a pork chop in one bite, as it would seem. He began to choke. At the time, I was working as an EMT and had seen all manner of horrible gore and such. A choking person was not a big deal. I stood up calmly, walked over to the other side of the table, gave him the heimlich maneuver, out came the chop, and just as calmly, I went back to my chair to continue eating and carry on the conversation. Needless to say, everyone at the table was silent, save for the coughing brother. Quiet, shocked thanks were given and desert was served.
It’s 4 years later and her parents still treat me like a second son. So for all the guys out there, all you have to do to get in her parents good book is bring her father expensive beer and her mother a nice bouquet, be yourself, and save her kid brothers life at the dinner table.
@CoffeeZombie-Good comments. I guess it’s hard for me to imagine that being polite wouldn’t come naturally to a man, but some gents probably do need practice so it comes off smoothly.
@Michael-Did calling your in-laws “mom” and “dad” come naturally? My mother-in-law told me I could call her mom, but it seems strange to me. What do all of you out there call your in-laws: first names? Mr. and Mrs?
@Tyler-Awesome, awesome story. 1500 man points right there.
@Brett If it’s hard for you to imagine politeness not coming naturally to a man, you must not know very many men. Or you keep very good company.
Then again, I’m a Southerner in transplant country (i.e., I live in an area of the South where a large portion of the population is made up of Yanks and others who have
invadedmoved in from elsewhere), so perhaps I see more rudeness where everyone else might see politeness.@CoffeeZombie-
I guess what I meant is that it’s hard for me to imagine that doing stuff like shaking hands well, looking people in the eye, and saying “You have a nice house!” could come off as artificial and weird. I think those kinds of things are somewhat easy to turn on when you need to. But I’m obviously taking a very narrow view as a guy raised to be polite. And people who have never done it might well come off badly if they suddenly tried.
I do not think men realize how important it is to meet a girlfriend’s parents! First impressions are so key because it is so difficult to date a guy who’s parents do not like him.
@Brett – Thank you, sir. I believe any good man would have done the same.
Great post. I would also recommend doing some research on your girlfriend’s parents by asking your girlfriend appropriate questions that will give you an idea of what you’re getting into. I’ve walked into good homes and crazy homes and it always helps to have even a vague idea of the people you are meeting. As an alternate to flowers, a small gift may be appropriate for a weekend stay. If so, wrap the gift. And make an effort to get some one on one time with her father, regardless of whether you are considering marriage at this point or not.
This is only half of the purpose of meeting the parents. Of course you want to leave a good impression, BUT just as important as that, you want to find out what kind of folks her parents are. They too must leave a good impression on you, if they are to be in your life in the future (as in-laws). Most significantly, how they behave, how they treat each other, how they manage their marriage etc. are great indicators of how your girlfriend will be like as a wife. Don’t get too caught up in trying to impress them and forget to take notes. If there’s any pressure on you to be at the top of your game, there is just as much pressure on them.
@John: I can at least one situation where a couple would be living together before meeting the woman’s parents. They might be in another city (or even another continent) and fairly far along in their relationship, but for whatever reason haven’t been able to go back to her hometown.
As a general rule, I strongly believe in living together before marriage. There’s simply no other way of knowing whether your living habits are compatible. Why find that out AFTER you get married and it’s so much harder to separate if you realize things aren’t working out because you like staying up until 4 am while she wants to wake up at 7 am? Or because one of you is a neat freak and the other’s a slob?
This autumn, I will be moving in with my boyfriend of two years, with both my parents’ blessing. They are both firmly in the “live together before marriage” camp. Just food for thought.
Julie,
Good for ya, but manliness correlates to responsibility. I hope that no one gets pregnant before you find out that your morning routines are incompatible. For my daughter, I will be firmly in the “why would you be living with my daughter and not committed to her camp”. But you can rationalize your desires in any way that suits you. My comment was directed to men that may see the convenience of shacking up without having the adult realization that playing house has consequences. Modern feminism has done a wonderful job of convincing a woman that giving a man exactly what a teenage boy has always dreamed of would empower her.
I really enjoyed the section on building rapport. I think your view works anywhere but especially if the girl’s parents are from a different country, have a different background or come from a very different culture than you.
What you said about being engaged in conversations, really does go along way to presenting you in the best light and building a relationship with your in-laws or in-laws-to-be.
This really is a must read for any man setting out to meet his girlfriend or wife’s parents for the first time.
@john
Not everyone, especially those who are not particularly religious, equated commitment with marriage. My girlfriend and I live together, and are fully committed to each other. We are responsible when “playing house” (what a vulgar euphemism for two people expressing their love) and use birth control (in fact, she was my “first). We plan on marrying before we have children. I agree that no couple should live together without committing to each other, but, if they do not view marriage as a religious obligation, why should the state be require to approve of their commitment?
P.S. Manliness also correlates with respect, especially for women. Your rude and dismissive reply to Julie does you no favors if improving your manliness is your goal.
You should avoid meeting a woman’s parents at all costs. Eventually the relationship will probably end and no matter how hard you try, they probably won’t like you after that. Why waste the energy on something that likely won’t end well?
@M. Steve
Well said, in regards to Manliness correlating with respect.
@john
I didn’t quite get the relationship between “living together” and “lack of responsibility”, as determining that level of compatibility before marriage seems QUITE responsible.
I am divorced and am currently in a very strong relationship and will be meeting the parents next weekend. It has been a LONG time since I had to do anything of the sort and this article was a good refresher on what i think are the basic tenets (or should be) of any social interaction: Be nice, Be sincere. Be confident. Don’t be a jackass.
As i said though, I am divorced, my girlfriend has never been married. Any suggestions on how to handle it if the matter of my old marriage is brought up without appearing defensive or insulted?
I believe the reference to living together and lacking in responsibility referred to people who are living together mostly for the sex rather than commitment. Certainly this doesn’t apply to everyone. I, personally, believe that people should live together first. That’s not irresponsible if done for the right reason.
I knew my girlfriends parents before her. I thought seeing them for the first time after we started dating would be odd. I followed the rules in the article anyways and I am glad I did because they appreciated the formal politeness.
People would live together for a number of reasons before getting married. If you are committed to each other and do not want to get married yet (want to finish grad school, want to wait until after another friends wedding, a family member is ill), it still might make more sense to live together rather then paying for two appartments or to be able to spend more time together if you are both very busy.