Comments on: 30 Days to a Better Man Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father

By: Carl Golden

Carl Golden — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 23:20:32 +0000

Much like Kate did, for our father’s 75th birthday, the five of us kids came up with 75 memories that we had of Dad, and we put them all in a letter and sent it to him. We know that he really appreciated all that he wrote…..but better yet, each of us got a copy of that letter, and the memories that it brought back for all of us was great! All of us had forgotten some those incidents or stories, and to have all those memories come back to life was awesome.

By: Kevin

Kevin — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 23:40:53 +0000

Let me briefly share my experience with my father and writing him a letter. I was in my mid-30’s and my parents were going thru a very rough time in their marriage and were seperated. Since I was any early teen, my father and I had always had a very strained relationship. So I wrote a letter to each of my parents telling them how much I loved them and how I wanted to have a relationship with them individually (rather than the mother/father unit). I mailed my letters out to my parents. My mother called me the minute she got hers, but my father – he never responded. I was heartbroken.

I was upset, hurt and angry at my father for a long time. After a while I came to the conclusion that his non-response (not even a f*#k you) wasn’t about me. Although he would never be the ideal father, that should not prevent me from being the best son that I know how to be. So I call him on his birthday because that is what a good son does. I send him a birthday card and gift because that is what a good son does. I send him a father’s day card because that is what a good son does. When I talk to him on the phone I talk about subjects that interests him, because that is what a good son does.

It is not about me having the father that I want or the kind of relationship that I would like to have with my father – it is about me being the kind I man that I can live with and that includes me striving to be the best son that I can be regardless of whether my father deserves it or not. After my father passes away, I don’t want any regrets on my behalf of what I could have done differently. I guess I should look at all of my relationships this way and be the best that I can be.

By: Joe Proctor

Joe Proctor — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:30:37 +0000

I started the 30 days program about 45 days ago. I got stuck on this one.
*scratch that*
I avoided this one for weeks.

Hopefully I can finish it tonight. Thanks, ‘Knock Knock’ video.

By: jeremy

jeremy — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 22:32:53 +0000

Thank you for this. Reading this has helped me to think about my relationships with my fathers in a way that I usually avoid at all costs.

By: Tony

Tony — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 02:34:44 +0000

Here is a poem that profoundly changed my life the first time i heard it in spoken word. It was used in the movie Smoke Signals, which speaks volumes about Father/Son relationships. I hope you enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QutfN2wb1wc

forgiving our fathers
by dick lourie

maybe in a dream: he’s in your power
you twist his arm but you’re not sure it was
he that stole your money you feel calmer
and you decide to let him go free

or he’s the one (as in a dream of mine)
I must pull from the water but I never
knew it or wouldn’t have done it until
I saw the street-theater play so close up
I was moved to actions I’d never before taken

maybe for leaving us too often or
forever when we were little maybe
for scaring us with unexpected rage
or making us nervous because there seemed
never to be any rage there at all

for marrying or not marrying our mothers
for divorcing or not divorcing our mothers
and shall we forgive them for their excesses
of warmth or coldness shall we forgive them

for pushing or leaning for shutting doors
for speaking only through layers of cloth
or never speaking or never being silent

in our age or in theirs or in their deaths
saying it to them or not saying it -
if we forgive our fathers what is left

By: Alejandro

Alejandro — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:30:32 +0000

I’m still close to my father, so no formal letter is necessary. Like most men, though, we communicate more through actions than spoken or even written words. But, this is a great idea for those men who’ve had strained relationships with their fathers. If no communication exists, or for those men who don’t even know who their fathers are, they can try to be the type of father they never had. I don’t give a damn what these ultra liberal feminist types (including some “enlightened” men) say! Men always have and always will serve a role in the lives of their children.

By: Johnathon

Johnathon — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 16:49:41 +0000

I can personally say that my father aren’t necessarily as far as not speaking to each other, but he disagrees strongly with my engagement and it has put a huge damper on our communication. I try to talk to him and patch things up, every once in awhile I try to talk about the wedding to no avail, but with his blatant disregard of my fiancé and her family its very hard to speak to him anymore, especially since her side has been so accepting to me. Different religions, really different types of the same religion, if you’re curious.

I want to think that a letter could help, but I’m not completely sold. Any other suggestions?

By: Mark

Mark — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 16:05:12 +0000

This is a good one. My relationship with my own dad has been strained since I was a kid. He was never a horrible person, just… not a good example. Not that he didn’t try – and that’s always the big difference I like to bring up when people start assuming he was just some jerk. It’s funny that this pops up today, because for a little while, now, I’ve been forming the idea for a book about how I learned to become a man in SPITE of my dad. Like you said, I saw what I didn’t want to be (as well as 1-2 things I did, I have to be honest), and I’ve fought for most of my life to change those things in myself. Instead of the letter… maybe it’s about time I start writing that book

I like that this one is in the middle, too. I realized years ago that a guy’s relationship with his dad really is one of the central factors that alters who he is and how he looks at the world, so I’m glad to see it here.

By: Bob Iger

Bob Iger — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 09:53:28 +0000

I’m not on speaking terms with my father. I certainly don’t fancy meeting him in the foreseeable future. I guess the “If You Don’t Have a Good Relationship with Your Father….” header applies to me.

Then again, that paragraph says that I shouldn’t let the feelings about my father fester inside. I never allowed that to happen on the first place. I think my father used to be the most talked-about figure in my family, even though my parents were seperated. I don’t have issues right now stemming from the relationship with my father. I guess I could write a letter to my mother instead.

By: Matt @ Rational Imperative

Matt @ Rational Imperative — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 04:59:21 +0000

Speaking personally, I know what a profound effect having a father can have on what kind of man you are. Even though my father was certainly not ideal, he still was definitely a pivotal figure in my life. This series has been great so far, keep up the good work.