When I look at photos of men from my grandfather’s and even my dad’s generation, I can see a sense of purpose in the eyes of those men. Yet when I look at men today, I often don’t sense that kind of steely focus. Instead, I see dudes who are just sort of drifting along whichever way life pulls them.
I’ve heard a lot of men my age complain of a sense of shiftless. They don’t have the drive, purpose, and ambition that our forbearers had, and they feel adrift.
And this isn’t some sort of cranky old man observation about “kids these days.” Several books and articles by sociologists back up these observations.
There are numerous factors why men are just sort of drifting by today. Changes in the economy and societal shifts in regards to gender are definitely two major factors. But, let’s be honest. There’s not much a man, let alone a man stuck in neutral, can do about these things. So, today we’re going to focus on something that we all have the power to control: our core values.
The Importance of Clearly Defining Your Core Values
Defining our values gives us purpose. When you don’t know or you haven’t clearly defined your values, you end up drifting along in life. Instead of basing your decisions on an internal compass, you make choices based on circumstances and social pressures. You end up trying to fulfill other people’s expectations instead of your own. And before you know it, life has passed you by and you haven’t even started to live. Trying to be someone else and living without core values is down right exhausting and leaves you feeling empty and shiftless. Conversely, living a life in line with your core values brings purpose, direction, happiness, and wholeness.
Defining our values prevents us from making bad choices. Perhaps you have a vague idea about what you value. But if you haven’t clearly defined your values, you can end up making choices that conflict with them. And when your actions conflict with your values, the result is unhappiness and frustration.
Defining our values gives us confidence. I’ve noticed that when I take the time to really think and meditate upon what I value as a man and then write those things down, I’m more likely to have the courage and confidence to make choices based on those values. There’s something about actually writing down your values that makes you more committed to living them.
Defining our values makes life simpler. When you’re sure of your core values, decision making becomes much much simpler. When faced with a choice, you simply ask yourself: “Does this action align with my values?” If it does, you do it. If it doesn’t, you don’t. Instead of fretting over what’s the best thing do to, and standing shilly-shally in times of crisis, you simply let your internal compass guide you.
How to Discover Your Values
Your task for Day 1 of our 30 Days to a Better Man Project is to discover, clearly define, and write down your core values. Before we begin, let’s be clear that we’re not trying to define goals here. Goals are specific actions, like “becoming financially independent by age 30″ or “asking my girlfriend to marry me this June.” What we are looking for are values: the ideas that you esteem to be of great worth and that give structure to your life.
1. Get nice and relaxed. Go to a quiet room and sit in a big comfy chair (maybe even sit in your closet; something about small spaces helps you think), grab the fishing pole and spend an hour or two casting your line into the ol’ fishing hole, or take a walk on a nature trail or around your neighborhood. Just do whatever works for you.
2. Have the proper tools. Have a pen and paper handy so you can write down your values as they come to you. I don’t recommend using a computer to do this as it’s pretty easy to get distracted from the task at hand. Write on something you won’t accidentally throw away and that will last for many years to come.
3. Ask yourself this question: “What’s truly important to me as man?” Once you’re nice and relaxed, simply ask yourself what’s truly important to you. Think about those moments in your life when you felt completely whole and fulfilled as a man. Think about the times when you’ve been the happiest. If nothing comes to you at first, don’t worry. Just keep thinking.
4. Write down whatever comes to you. When you have a moment of insight about what’s important to you, write it down. Don’t self-censor yourself. Be completely honest during this process. No one else is going to see this, so don’t list the values that you think “should” be on your list. If it comes to you, write it. You’ll be able to go back and edit the list in the next step. For now, just do a total brain dump.
Also, don’t worry about prioritizing them yet. We’ll do that later. Our goal right now is to just get down whatever comes to you.
5. If you have more than five values, eliminate some. Think hard about what you truly value in life. Put a star by the values you’re sure about. Then take the ones that you feel are important, but aren’t sure if they’re top 5 material, and put them in pairs. Think about two of those values side by side, and ask yourself which of the two is more important. Then eliminate the other. Keep pitting the survivors against each other until you’re down to 5. If some of the values you listed are just two words describing the same idea. Combine them.
6. Prioritize. Once you whittle your list to five core values, prioritize them in order from most important to least important. Ideally, your core values compliment each other, but there might be times when two or more conflict. When that happens, which value will trump? If you know this before that choice presents itself, you’ll know how to proceed. And even if your values conflict in the future, look for creative ways to combine them. For example, family might be your top priority, but so is volunteering. When you have the choice of spending time with your kids or signing up to help at a charity event, do both by bringing the kiddos along with you.
If you’re having trouble getting started, I’ve provided a list of values that you might consider. The list isn’t exhaustive; there are literally hundreds of values you could have.
Adventure
Balance
Confidence
Control
Creativity
Discipline
Education
Faith
Family
Financial Security
Friends
Freedom
Fulfillment
Forgiveness
Fun
God
Growth
Happiness
Health
Hope
Honesty
Humor
Independence
Integrity
Kindness
Knowledge
Marriage
Peace of mind
Power
Progress
Reason
Security
Self-reliance
Service
Spirituality
Strength
Success
Truth
Wisdom
Remember, these posts aren’t for passive entertainment! The 30 Days to a Better Man Project is about action! You have 24 hours to complete this task. Once you’ve done it, check in with the DBM accountability group to let everyone know. This is the first day of you journey to becoming a better man! Good luck!
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
“Several books and articles by sociologists back up these observations.”
When you make a claim like this, please, please please cite your sources!!
Not only will it lend credibility to your argument and open the option for your readers to educate themselves to a deeper level, but it also keeps other readers (like me) from ignoring your claims altogether on the basis that your claims are broad and unsubstantiated.
Hopefully this will motivate me to get some goals in my life finally! I know what you mean – a sense of meandering.
I do not think men of our parents and grandparents generation had all the answers. I think looking back in hindsight gives a perspective that they knew what they were doing the whole time, when that was not necessarily the case!
@Notorious-
Here you go:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1582863/Modern-men-feel-emasculated-study-claims.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/09/education/09college.html
http://www.boysadrift.com/
-Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men by Michael Kimmel
-The Trouble with Boys: A Surprising Report Card on Our Sons, Their Problems at School, and What Parents and Educators Must Do by Peg Tyre
-Men to Boys: The Making of Modern Immaturity by Professor Gary Cross
is this not a copy of
http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/01/01/31-days-to-fix-your-finances/
???
That’s like saying every top-ten list is a copy of another.
It does not matter if the idea got from somewhere else, the fact is if it works, moreover, if we will work for it. It’s a good idea to get skills improved step by step, not all at once. Besides, I think it is similar to recollections at the monasteries – one month in a year dedicated to overthink myself and get back to what I really am. I got very interesting and motivating answers after doing this day exercise. Good luck for everyone, following this project in life!
There have been so many times I’ve set myself goals without having accountability to anyone except myself. Kinda weird that that isn’t enough.
I’m in…
@Antonio – I can’t imagine this well be an exact replica of Trents list. Instead, this will reach into the AoM archives, and pull up a list of things that make you a man. =)
Anyway, I think any such list has to start with you defining what you’re all about, right?
I guess we’ll see…
Some of these initial comments really crack me up. What difference does it make where the list came from, or how authentic it is. Who really cares if you’ve seen it (or something like it) before?
This is a great exercise and a good place to begin. I had forgotten I once did this when I was at a low point in life (broke, homeless, and pretty much alone/friendless in a strange city) and determining my values kept me directed and helped me set basic goals for the near future that got me living again. I should make one suggestion: if you find remembering when you were at your best difficult, or does not quickly reveal a worthy value, try visualizing what you would want to hear your friends and family say about you at your own funeral. Knowing what kind of man you want to end up being by hearing what they say about you will point to where you truly believe you should focus your energy. For the sake of example, my values in order of importance were: God, Country, Family/True Friends, Profession, Self Development. Thank you for reminding me of this, and keep fighting the good fight!
@ antonio- Yes, The Simple Dollar was part of my inspiration for this post, but so were a ton of other people and websites, including:
Stephen Covey
Debra Moorehead
Anthony Robins
Brian Tracy
Religion
And they all say pretty much the same thing that Trent and I said. Why? Determining your values is a pretty basic. It’s usually the first thing you read in a self help book.
Of course, I tried to take this idea and explain why it’s particularly important to men.
I should also mention that some of the values listed above are technically virtues, and if you have trouble paring down the list to five things, you might try having your values be areas of your life to focus your energies toward in prioritized order because a value often necessitates a virtue. For example, in my last comment I said my values were God, Country, Family/True Friends, Profession, Self Development. Devotion to God/Faith requires me (if I am to practice my faith maturely) to be honest, courageous, generous, kind, hopeful, faithful, forgiving, and spiritual. Devotion to Family and True Friends requires integrity, fun, adventure, etc. The virtues that each value suggests would be a more detailed definition of what the value requires of the man. This should help shorten the list to true values.
Brett:
I don’t understand the haters. It was good to see the sources but I understand that a blog post is not a master’s thesis.
This was an excellent post and one of the most concise yet informative versions of this exercise that I’ve seen.
I don’t know why people can’t just be grateful someone is putting themselves out there to help others be the men they ought to be. I, for one, appreciate it.
My son (age 11) and I regularly read your posts together and I often print them out for him to read later. He likes to read them multiple times and jot down his own thoughts. He also brings them to school to share with his friends.
Thanks for all your hard work.
@Brett – I was definitely picking up hints of Covey in this post, except he would call this exercise writing your “Mission Statement.” They’ve got a nifty, online Mission Statement generator at http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/
Thanks, it’s a great post.
You may want to check out http://www.GoalsOnTrack.com, a very nicely built web app designed for tracking goals and todo lists, and has time tracking. It’s clear, focused, easy to navigate, worth a try.
Great article. I believe core values are important to have and to live by. It can really define yourself and the world around you. In fact, all of the Armed Services have a set of core values that defines that branch, and by which all members can look to in order to model behavior. In the Air Force, the branch I serve under, it is: Integrity, Service Before Self, and Excellence in All We Do. When I went to officer school, these values really made sense to me and I really practice them everyday. It made a difference in my life.
When we discussed how these core values came about, one thing I remember is that the core values were intentionally kept short and to the point because a list too long or too complicated makes it hard to internalize and follow. Just some words of advice.
@Ammon – A mission statement generator seems against the point somehow.
@Synthetic Friday – It doesn’t do the work for you. You still have to ponder who you are, what your values are, what matters most, etc. It’s just a tool to take that information (your input) and turn it into a living document that you can use and adapt.
Hey Ive completed Task 1 as part of the 30 Day program…..however for some reason I can not access the DBM Accountability Group?
I can’t help but think that the values of some of the men leaving comments here include “nitpicking,” “envy,” and “dullness.” Maybe those traits should be added to the list to broaden the options?
A delightful way to kick off a self improvement campaign. I think Benjamin Franklin gave us a good start to his own self improvement plan with his 13 virtues. I am belatedly looking forward to my next 30 days.
Coming in way late on this, but I’m starting the 30 days today.
My 5 values.
Education – Always be educating yourself, not just formal degrees & diplomas.
Love Spouse & Family – Can’t be a happy family without a loving couple at the core.
Be Financially Stable – Debt Free is key
Trustworthy – Do the right thing at all times. Make sure to deliver on promises.
Seek Adventure – Travel & find new places to go locally.
Thanks for this Day 1 exercise. I just joined AoM and am impressed with the quality I find here- quickly becoming a fan. I bought the 30day ebook and look forward to working through it.
The Values exercise was beneficial, as it has been awhile since I went through the exercise. I pulled some old books down and was looking through Covey’s First Things First where he says to base our compass not on values but the underlying principles. We generated a family mission statement 2 years ago, when the boys were younger:
Our Family: Loves God
–Follows God’s Word
–Puts others ahead of ourselves
–Helps and enjoys each other
–Is Patient
–Uses encouraging words
–Has fun & likes jokes
–Forgives & says “sorry”
It is time to dust this off, see how we’ve been doing and what needs attention. This will be a great discussion for dad and his two teenagers tonight (of course we’ll let mom join in too). Keep up the good work.
Thank you for publishing this. I do not agree with the negative feedback that’s been posted. I appreciate the time and effort put into this. I have completed the process and have determined my 5 core values to be in order, Integrity, Love and companionship, Creativity, Independence, and Strength. While I have always had the nebulous concepts in my mind and lived frequently by them, this exercise was good to define them and remind me that I need to stay the course.
Faith, Family, Integrity, Financial Independence, and Knowledge. It was difficult to cut my brain dump from 20 to 15. It was hard to eliminate another 5. It was really hard to go from ten to five. I thought about what each one ultimately meant and was able to shift some of my final ten into my final five. For example I scratched off honesty figuring that honesty is part of integrity. I eliminated marriage and put it under the umbrella of family. A good first day.
I’m starting today,
Being grateful, being compassionate, my family, having integrity, and having a good work ethic, wish me luck guys, its going to be an adventurous next 29 days.
I’ve started today.
As Zig Ziglar said: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”.
Never realized how difficult this first exercise might be.
I think this article needs to have the comments shut off. I wish no ill words against those who have comments against it, but this article isn’t about opinion.
Becoming a Gentleman and a true man is not an easy task, but it is made even more difficult because others will hate you for it. They will scream and cry that you Judge them, and say that you believe yourself to be high and mighty, when truly you are simply causing them to judge themselves. You will be a shreiking example of what they are not, and it gnaws on them, forcing them to take a look at themselves from a more honest perspective.
They say it is easier to bring a better man to your level then to rise to his. The world would be easier if no one was better then you, but it would not be a better world. We all look for the easy route, falsly accepting over and over that it will be the best, but it never is. A quote I like to force myself to repeat, the author of which I don’t recall, “What is Easy, is most often Not what is Right.”
As a Combat Veteran, I sadly admit I need this as much as any of you. Life hands you noble challenges, and when you fail them, you slowely loose your manhood trying to cover each one up. It’s not easy to admit your failiings to yourself by attempting something like this. It’s much easier to read this and find the faults with it, rather then find your own faults in trying it. What do we have to loose though? Better to attept a great thing and fail, then sit idle in our own Mediocrity. Even if I fail to become a “Gentleman”, I’d like to be remembered for attempting it relentlessly to my dying day. Like the article states, who cares what the world thinks… This is between you and God.