Wayne, your advice for the face to face aspect should not go unheeded. Texting is appropriate for things like “where are you” “at the mall” “k” and that’s about it. It is not for attempting to apologise, ever.

It’s amazing to see so many people get up at arms over his remark of the not listening thing. People are acting like its a blatant attack on all that is manly, when it could be reversed. I know a ton of women who talk more and aren’t good listeners to their mates and it is frustrating to watch. It is not a feminism issue in the least, it is just good manners! So calm down, the lot of you, you’re wasting your time getting all angry over that stuff.

I happen to be in a very loving, dedicated relationship with a wonderful woman who exhibits none of these so called “women’s traits”. Why did Wayne apologize for something that he’s (rightfully) not at fault for? Because of how upset his spouse got. A true gentleman should strive to treat his lady like gold, but at the same time be clear and confident in his own needs and desires.

In this case I see no need for feminism to enter the discussion at all, unless that’s how Wayne’s wife FEELS. Keep in mind that even during face-to-face conversation communication may get muddled. What Wayne thought was a request for his wife to stay home more (presumably so he could spend more time with her, something I can relate to), his wife may have interpreted as Wayne’s desire for her to focus less on her career, which is something I’m sure he didn’t intend. Hence why in-person discussions are so paramount in important relationships, as is clarity. Wayne needs to ask his wife WHY his request got her so upset, and clarify the reason he wants her to stay home more often. My girlfriend and I take pains to determine WHY the other feels a certain way, and it does wonders for improving communication and building a better, stronger relationship. Meanings that one person may assume are implied may often be misinterpreted.

In-person discussions are important for all kinds of relationships, be it with your wife, your brother, or your buddies. Apologies in person show that you value your personal relationship enough to focus ONLY on resolving the issue at hand, and to take the time out of your day to do so. I make it a rule that disagreements with friends MUST be resolved face-to-face. Same goes for (non-emergency) important issues. Case in point – I began dating an ex of a good friend some years ago (before my current girlfriend), and I manned up and told him about it in person, face-to-face. I wasn’t asking for his approval and would have went ahead anyway, but he really appreciated the gesture and it let him know that I didn’t want our friendship to suffer because of it. She has come and gone, but he and I remain excellent friends to this day.

If the issue is important to you – do it in person. Be honest, be direct, and explain your thought process clearly. Stick to your convictions, but be sure to imagine and entertain alternate interpretations that you may not have intended. Most importantly, acknowledge that your needs, and the needs of your friend/spouse are equally important and valid.

“1) An important something discussed in text or IM comes across as “I am too cowardly to talk to you about this in person.” Texts are fine for telling your wife you’re running 20 minutes late, or asking her to pick up another gallon of milk on the way home. They’re not really fine for apologies.”
I think the ‘tolerance’ for using text for such things is really dependent on the particular person. Certainly, there are some things that are right out (breaking up, asking out on a date, rejecting a job applicant, firing, etc.). Things such as an apology, though, can differ based on a few factors, primarily how technophilic is she (which has a strong correlation to age, background, etc.).

My wife and I have, throughout our relationship (even when dating), had entire conversations, including fights, making up, etc. all in IM chats. In fact, when we first met, most of our conversing was done in IM (for various reasons, one of which being she preferred IM to talking on the phone). Obviously, face-to-face is the ideal, but circumstances may warrant other media (as one person noted, maybe the problem is the wife spends too much time at work, and the text message was the only way the husband was able to apologize).

“2) Work and family are very loaded issues (as some of the dumber comments to this article show). The guy who wrote to Wayne may be thinking “I miss her,” but what she’s hearing is “I’m insecure about the fact that you have a career, or make more money than me, or that you’re not doing 99% of the housework.””

Very true. I think women are particularly sensitive to such things, as a result of being trained to expect men/husbands to have an issue with their career or whatnot. I recall one story where a guy in college suggested to a female classmate who was complaining about how expensive it was to eat out all the time that she might try cooking at home more. To him, it was a simple solution to the problem, and he was dumbfounded by her response; she called him a sexist pig or some such thing. Why? Because what she heard (no doubt thanks to years of training by society) was “woman, get in the kitchen!”

Regardless, in the end, we really don’t know anything of the actual situation. We do not know if the husband thinks the wife shouldn’t work at all, or if he thinks that she works too much because she doesn’t have dinner on the table when he gets home, or if, perhaps, the wife is more interested in having a career than a marriage, and the husband is lonely because she really is neglecting him.

1) An important something discussed in text or IM comes across as “I am too cowardly to talk to you about this in person.” Texts are fine for telling your wife you’re running 20 minutes late, or asking her to pick up another gallon of milk on the way home. They’re not really fine for apologies.

2) Work and family are very loaded issues (as some of the dumber comments to this article show). The guy who wrote to Wayne may be thinking “I miss her,” but what she’s hearing is “I’m insecure about the fact that you have a career, or make more money than me, or that you’re not doing 99% of the housework.”

And it actually seems that sometimes, sending emails or IMs or text messages can help communication. Why? Because you get to say all of what you’re going to say, without being interrupted. Also, the delay in time between when you say something and when you transmit it helps you stop yourself from saying something unnecessary that you’ll regret later.

So I really don’t see any issue with using any form of communication. I mean, a break up, a job firing, big deals like that should be dealt with face-to-face. An apology, IMO, can be initiated via SMS. And my wife agrees with me on this.

Then again, we first got to know each other on IM (we’d met in person first, but spent a lot of time chatting online).

What is the world coming to now a days….. so PATHETIC.

I do think that there is feminism going on here. It sounds like this guy is basically being told to “roll over and take it.” His needs are more important than how his wife feels about her job and that’s a bad thing.

Frankly, why can’t we look at it from this perspective: his wife cares more about her career than her husband. Oops, now I’m a sexist (though I’d be okay if the genders were switched in that sentence).

Look, I’ve only been married for less than a year and a half, and I took that route with my wife. I felt I had needs that weren’t being met, but I decided that how she felt about various things were more important, and I just needed to “man up” and deal with it.

Yeah, guess what happened? It didn’t work. In fact, it put a huge strain on our marriage, and nearly brought us to the breaking point. Finally, I just snapped and let her know exactly how I felt. She got it. We both had a lot to apologize for after that. And now we’re working on rebuilding our relationship.

Marriage is a two-way street. Both parties have desires and needs. Both parties need to sacrifice for the sake of the other. While this message seems unwelcome to many people in general, it seems like it is expected of men more so than of women, and, yes, I do blame feminism for the current state of affairs.

Sorry if this comment isn’t well written or cuts off or whatever, but I’ve gtg; bbl!

Jeepers, guys, give some girls some credit. If this is how “gentlemen” really think, I hope my wonderful boyfriend isn’t a gentleman. What’s the point, if women are so bad after all? I work really hard so that he doesn’t have a reason say things like this about me, and I know a lot of couples (it takes two) who work the same way.

1. Man is tired of wife spending so much time at work.

I’m familiar with this issue, as my wife was working as a nurse when I was stationed in Norfolk, VA. (Yep, I’m Navy.) She worked nights, so when I came home, she’d be there for maybe an hour or two, and then she’d leave for work, just to come back in the morning about an hour or so before I’d have to leave. Granted, this was about three days a week if she wasn’t on call or had to work a weekend shift. Add in mandatory overtime, and I was starting to feel like I had a roommate I never saw instead of a wife. Compounding the issue was that my wife didn’t really like the way I did household chores. It wasn’t an issue of whether or not laundry, dishes or the house was clean, but I didn’t do things the way she does them, so of course she’d go and do it all over again when she wasn’t at work and accuse me of not helping out. Furthermore, all of the time away from home interfered with time in the bedroom. After things came to a head, my wife got switched to a different unit in the hospital and started working days.

2. He apologized.

Who knows why he apologized? Maybe he said something hurtful. Maybe he threatened to leave. We don’t know, but he had the stones to man up and admit he’d done something wrong.

3. He did it via text.

I think most of the people here are willing to agree apologizing via text just won’t cut it. Sure, he could have just texted her and said he wanted to talk, or he might have waited up and talked to her (preferably setting up the environment to enhance her mood), but he didn’t. He shouldn’t, however, lose all style points because he chose to text. The fact is, he wanted to open a dialogue with his wife. That, at least, deserves some credit.

4. She had a ’snarky’ response.

It’s hard not to be sardonic, sarcastic, or snarky when you’re intelligent and angry. It’s even harder to get that kind of response when you’re trying to mend fences. At this point, a man can stiffen his spine and just let the snark pass him by or refuse to be treated rudely.

Sheesh, if that is how this guy communicates, his wife is probably staying at work because when she does come home, he’s probably too wrapped-up playing video games and ignores her. (a malady common to far too many young men’s “relationships” these days.)

@Roadchick – yeah my Ex wanted to do all that venting stuff … ALL the time. . Good grief, I knew more about her workplace than I did about my own. That was what she thought marriage communication was ALL about … cheap therapy And yup, that is indeed why she is my Ex. And yes, guys do want to try to fix things. Especially after hearing about them ad nauseum. The final straw was when, I politely tried to excuse myself from yet another of her regular hours-long “venting” rants, …. She had the gall to accuse me of being “abusive” for not sitting still for it all. “Abuse?” What? *TILT*

Modern women have developed a long list of men’s faults. But their list of their own contributing foibles seems but brief and blithely excused by such pretexts as “that time of the month.” For solutions, women tell us, “that’s how WE communicate, so you better suck-up to us that way.”

If any of you gentlemen have ever tried to read that “Men are From Mars …” book, you quickly find that the author’s pusillanimous prescription is for us to walk around on pins and needles while constantly framing our words to the female perspective. The women’s advice is even more conniving and manipulative. For far too many couples, communication has come to be nothing more than a verbal fencing match, informed by what the woman has seen on the latest Oprah show. Meh, maybe burying oneself in a video game ain’t such a bad idea at that.