Comments on: Ask Wayne: Man Wants to Be Friends with Her After the Breakup

By: Hess

Hess — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 16:26:11 +0000

Late to the party, but…

I agree with the commenters who argue that female friends are just as good for a man as male friends – and regarding your sexual tension argument, what about us bisexuals?

That said, I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to be friends right after a break-up. Take some time apart, process it, then when both people are emotionally done working through it, see if being friends is still something both want.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 11:31:46 +0000

Guys,
I don’t see anywhere in this article where Wayne stated that ALL friendships between men and women are sexual and/or mommy-related. What he states is: “Whether you’d admit to it without water boarding, there is a sexual component at play in most friendships between men and women.”
Read: MOST and SEXUAL COMPONENT
The way I interpret it, this doesn’t mean you must either lust after every female friend you have, or feel some emotional dependance. It means that if you two bond well enough, there would be a possibility for such a relationship as a sexual one or a deeply emotionally-supportive one in a world where such circumstances were different (i.e. different relationship statuses/obligations/ages/cultures/relations/occupations).
Personally, I agree that the dynamics in a friendship between different genders is unique. I do treat my guy friends differently than my girl friends, and I fully expect my guy friends to treat me as a lady friend, which means differently than their guy friends or their girlfriends. This can involve a mild level of innocent flirting (that’s not intended to become anything more) and/or expression of physical beauty after adequate trust is built, (such as compliments or appropriate sexual comments and conversations) although I never flirt with any of my girl friends like this. This is how a sexual component is involved in most of these friendships once they become close friendships. I don’t think Wayne meant anything along the lines of having fantasies or putting yourself in compromizing situations, nothing so extreeme as that.
I also believe that Wayne also means to indicate that this sexual component is not the case 100% of the time.

By: Steve Feder

Steve Feder — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 15:29:46 +0000

Hmmm. Not being friends with an ex is one thing; history, baggage, and so on.

But not being able to be friends with a woman because it’s necesaruily sexual on some level of a mommy thing…Wayne, I thing you missed the boat on this one. One of my best friends is a female attorney for whom I have great respect, and we talk often, both on a professional (same profession as me) and personal level.. Her husband is a great guy, but my friendship is with her, not him. Nothing sexual or mommy-related about it.

And lest you think that only a very young man free of society’s prior customs might writing this…I’m 53. She’s 43.

By: Shawn

Shawn — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 01:52:26 +0000

I’d like to thank Mr. Walt Disney for giving people unrealistic expectations of relationships. I think the ‘feminized men’ would be the ones who aren’t mature enough to stay friends with an ex, because it’s not ‘fair’ to the woman. What a bunch of sexist psycho-babble. I agree with some of the other posters in their assessment that it’s out-dated to think that two mature people can’t stay friends after a break-up, as if all women were so emotionally frail and immature that they can’t handle it. When two people ‘break up’, it’s simply a change in the status of the relationship.

Think about it in the opposite direction. You don’t just jump into being super-involved with the opposite sex. You may talk first, build trust, go on a few dates, then move forward into seeing each other more and your relationship status would go from ‘talking’, to ‘seeing someone’, to ‘dating’, to dating ‘exclusively’, and so on. These are all mutually agreed upon changes in the status of the relationship. If it were not mutual, it wouldn’t move forward. It’s the same in this case. He wants the relationship status to reverse. If she doesn’t want that, then it’s not mutually agreed upon, and it won’t happen. He has to accept the end of the relationship. If his future ex is able to, and wants to, remain friends, then they can.

If you spend a long time with someone, you build a bond of friendship, as well as those romantic feelings. You may not have the romantic feelings anymore, but you may not want to just cut off a friendship of two years. It would be sad to lose both. It may have to happen, and I’m sure this guy knows that, but there’s nothing wrong with asking. She may have seen the end coming, anyway.

Marriage is not the end-all, be-all of what a relationship is all about. It’s about two people with commonalities and attraction coming together for as long as it lasts and enjoying each others company, enjoying each others bodies, and enjoying being alive and human. It is sharing in a closer bond than any friend of the same sex could ever replace. There’s no shame in it. If it wanes, so be it, but the bond of friendship, which is simply enjoying the company of another particularly compatible human being, male or female, doesn’t have to wane. Don’t make it more complicated than it has to be. Besides, If it’s mutual, who says you can’t enjoy all those things together if you’re not married?

Just because it’s not common or you, personally, have never been in that situation, doesn’t mean people don’t do it.

***To the questioner*** : I’ve been through this same situation. Part of being a man is knowing what you want and what you don’t want, and making a decision based on these things. Don’t drag it out. THAT wouldn’t be fair to her. Get it over with. Be a man, but a gentleman. Explain it in an caring, yet honest way, that this relationship isn’t what you’re looking for right now, but that you are too good of friends to just never talk again and would like to continue that down the road if she’s willing. Hold her. Let her cry. Cry with her. It will be hard for both of you. Agree upon a time length to not call or see each other, say, a month. Check in after that time period to see how she is, because you are still friends and you do care about her, after all. She’ll let you know if she’s ready to be friends or if she never will be. Accept your own decision to break off the romance and accept her decision if she wants to break off the friendship. I’m on good terms with all my exes and am very good friends with one of them. It can be done. Follow what you know is best for you. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with being gentle, but everything to do with being a strong, decisive man.

By: CS

CS — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 02:26:13 +0000

I was with a man for three months…it was never stated we were in a relationship but we spent every evening together…not just sexually…but hanging out also. I moved away, but before that i expressed to him how strongly i felt…he told me he couldn’t be in a relationship but we remained in contact…in contact i mean emails back and forth at 3-4 times a week up to every day…some days multiple emails…hours on skype…a few phone calls at it was long distance…i was holding out for him to finally want something with me…but it never came…so i would get down and say “look, i can’t be friends with you”…and he would beg me not to fall out with him…that he was sorry that he hurt me but he didn’t want to lose me as a friend…i would go on to explain how much i cared and he would never commit but he would tell me something that would placate me enough to stay friends…well…it’s been a year since i spent my first night with him…9 long months of kidding myself into friends…in the end…he has been a great friend…we talk about everything…we share our lives from afar…we know each other inside and out…but he doesn’t love me…and i finally took a stand and said i can’t do it anymore…i “broke up” with my friend…and he couldn’t understand why i couldn’t be friends with him when we were such good friends…and this was why…i loved him…and it killed me to just not be good enough