Not true. I do act differently around women differently than men, obviously I don’t go letting ‘em rip when a lady is around, but there are women, believe it or not, who I have no interest in fucking. This is either because they are not physically attractive to me, or they have boyfriends who are friends of mine. This is such an older generation thing to say, reminds my dad is absolutely convinced i want to hook up with my female housemates. Get over it, its 2009.

otoh, i’ve found you can be friendly with your ex, but not friends in any real sense of the word. But that has more to do with your shared past than sexual politics.

Sometimes there just isn’t any sexual chemistry. Sometimes there’s only a little spark, and it’s nothing that will ever happen. Sometimes you are attracted to the other person, but you’re a grownup and you set it aside.

I agree with Wayne’s advice to *this* man, but I cringe at his comments about ‘feminized’ men and how men and women really can’t ever be friends. That runs dangerously close to the idea that women pretty much only have one purpose.

Great article and reader feedback. It’s helped me make the right decision even though I wish it weren’t so.

Then let’s see if she offers to stay friends.

typo
“Maybe he can be casual friends with her after sufficient time has past (several months or longer) but I don’t think it is realistic to remain “best friends.””

Should say unrealistic not realistic.

my bad.

Like Wayne, I think the biggest question for the writer is what would he have to give up if he committed to this women. All behavior has a pay off be it material or psychological and his desire to not commit is the same. He needs to figure out what the pay off is, if he can still get it if he commits, and if not is this pay off worth giving up the relationship.

Second I think Wayne makes a good point about making a clean break. Dragging things out is often hurtful in the long run to both parties and creates a lot of confusion about what everyone’s role should be. Maybe he can be casual friends with her after sufficient time has past (several months or longer) but I don’t think it is realistic to remain “best friends.”

Third I think Wayne’s point about seeking support from other men is very important. Men have a different perspective from women and can meet other mens needs for camaraderie in a way that is different from women. I would certainly recommend that the writer seek out advice from male friends that now him well, but be wary that they may be invested in the relationship either continuing or ending, so be aware.

These positives being said I must respectfully disagree with some elements of Wayne’s post. While, I agree that there is and will always be some sexual elements to friendships with members of the opposite sex simply because of the way our brain is wired I do not think that it is as dire as Wayne makes it seem. I believe that these sexual feelings can be largely unconscious and that a well adjusted man who has a firm set of boundaries can have friendships with women without being feminized or constantly trying to get in to their pants. I think that a well balanced man should be able to have friends of both genders and should monitor all of his friendships to ensure that they don’t become overly dependant on one another.

Overall I think we were all hampered by lack of information. We don’t know this man or his girlfriend, we don’t know what he means by “marriage material” or “best friend” and we don’t know what other issues may be lurking in the shadows. I hope that the writer will find someone who does now the answer to these questions (either a friend or a professional counselor/therapist) to help air this out so that he can do what is best for both himself and his girlfriend.

I know a guy who has stayed friends with his high school sweetheart. Even though they’re both now married to different people, they still have feelings for each other. The guy actually made his ex his “best man” at their wedding. If that isn’t unmanly and totally selfish (how do you think his bride felt??) I don’t know what is.

As for still being friends after a break-up. Doesn’t work. After awhile you may meet up again and be friendly but it cannot be planned. You need to break clean from ex-relationships or they will drag on and mess up your chances of forming a new one.

Okay, this issue really gets under my skin. Why in the world are people who are dating / romantically involved obsessed with sex??? Furthermore, whatever happened to being, in my opinion, a true gentleman, and NEVER considering getting inside the lady’s nickers until after marriage?

Yes, I know I sound like I’m a hundred years old and completely out of touch with reality, but my idea of a true gentleman would never have asked their girlfriends / fiances to compromise their morals by “giving in” before marriage.

Trust me, guys, I’ve been married for over 18 years, and the spice does and will wear off, and things do get predictable. Big deal!! What do you think your sex life is going to be like when your celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary? Guys (and ladies reading this), we’re ALL going to get old, and our libido WILL die down. What’s going to keep us married to the beautiful ladies we married will NOT be how good she is in the sack at 70 years old, but the deeper meaning of love – the “in sickness and in health, for better or worse” part that no one wants to be responsible for. It’s the hard, difficult times that build up a relationship, and not bailing out at the first sign of difficulty or when “sex has become predictable.”

In short, man up and preserve, protect and defend our the honor of our ladies, and not ask / expect / demand them to put out before the wedding. You’ll have the rest of your life to explore and cultivate that aspect of your relationship.