Porn is everywhere today. It’s impossible to pinpoint when it happened, but some time in the last couple of decades, porn went mainstream. Before you had to go to the seedy part of town to pick up a magazine or order a stag film that came in a non-suspicous brown package. Now, you can find porn pretty much anywhere you look. On TV, at your local bookstore, and especially on the internet.
This movement of porn into the mainstream is generally viewed as a healthy liberation from the suffocating sexual mores of older generations. While it’s fantastic that society has gotten past its Puritan prudishness, I do think the pendulum has swung too far when it comes to the ubiquity of pornography in our culture. Unfortunately, the ill effects that porn can have on men and women often go unnoticed by the media. Many men are left with the impression that the proliferation of pornography is an entirely healthy phenomena. But what effect is porn having on men? When I look around at guys today, I would say without equivocation that it’s sapping their manliness.
A Level-headed Approach
Pornography is such a polarizing issue, that it’s easy for people to take extreme sides when approaching it. Oftentimes, religious people, while very sincere in their beliefs, brand porn as vile filth that turns good men into sexual perverts and unclean lepers. I’ve sat through plenty of church sermons where porn is approached this way. However, such a approach hardly helps men rationally think through the issue. Rather it transforms porn into an even more desirable forbidden fruit, pushes porn consumption into a secretive underground fetish, and prevents men from being honest in their need for help.
The other extreme sees porn as just a healthy expression of sexuality. Pornography is heartily encouraged in order to help people discover what pleases them sexually, no matter how graphic or violent the material is. The people in this camp will argue that as long as consenting adults are involved and no one gets hurt, then anything goes. However, this approach fails to recognize the detrimental effects porn can have on an individual, on women, and on society.
Neither extreme is helpful. What I want to have today is a frank, rational, discussion about porn and its effects on men. I’ll lay my cards out on the table from the get-go. I don’t think porn is good in any setting. I’ve just seen too many people hurt from it. But I understand that reasonable people can disagree on this issue.
Porn Can Ruin Your Life
Some people have argued that porn use can be as addictive as drugs. Personally, I don’t like the addiction label. It’s too easy to hide behind it as the reason you can’t help yourself. When I think of addiction, I think of people who suffer physical withdrawal symptoms when they finally quit. I haven’t met anybody who’s gotten the shakes when they go a week or two not looking at porn.
There is, however, no doubt that porn can be a full-blown compulsion. It’s more like food to a compulsive over-eater. Once you make those pleasure connections in your brain they can be very hard to break. And it’s not an exaggeration to say that porn can ruin your life. I know of a couple of marriages that broke up because of the guy’s insatiable addiction to porn. And I know of long-term boyfriends and girlfriends who have split up because of it. The stories out there are real and numerous. The man who gets out of bed at night and sneaks away from his wife to watch porn in his office. The man who keeps a secret stash of magazines in his car. The man who watches porn on the job and gets canned when he’s caught. I could go on.
I won’t deny that some men can consume porn and not suffer these kind of consequences. Just like I know men who have an occasional drink and aren’t alcoholics, I know men who dabble in porn and don’t become compulsive porn users. But even if you’re one of those men who can consume porn without becoming dependent on it, I still think there’s a case to be made that porn should be avoided. It simply won’t make you a better man in the least. And it can diminish your manliness for several reasons.
The Ways in Which Porn Saps Your Manliness
1. It objectifies women.
A real man sees a woman for who she is. He respects her and her individuality. He sees her as his equal and as a person that deserves respect. It takes a lot of work and effort to interact with women, but a real man has the cajones to do it.
Porn, on the other hand, objectifies women. It turns women into “things” that are only there to gratify a man’s sexual urge. Porn eliminates any need to connect with a woman emotionally or intellectually.
If you want an idea of how insiders in the porn industry feel about women, just ask Bill Margold, a long time performer. For Margold, his “whole reason for being this industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don’t care much for women and want to see men in [the porn] industry get even with the women they couldn’t have.” One writer for porn movies (they have writers?) said that pornography creates the illusion “that women are really in their rightful place and that there is no serious challenge to authority.”
If you have to view porn so you can feel like a man, you’ve got some problems. Real men don’t have to turn women into things to feel like a man.
2. It supports a filthy industry
Almost no man I know would hire a prostitute for sex. The idea of paying a stranger for sex violates their sense of propriety. But porn is basically prostitution, just a few steps removed. No matter how you slice it or rationalize it, you are paying a stranger to have sex. It’s pretty gross when you take a step back: you’re paying people to have sex so you can watch them do it. No man would ever want his sister to be a porn star, so why is it okay for someone’s else’s sister to do it? The more porn that is consumed, the more porn that is made. Even if you’re sitting in your den in Omaha, you have a hand in making the industry grow.
3. It will mess with your expectations of sex
Porn creates unrealistic expectations in the minds of men about love and sex. In porn, the women are always hot and ready to go and have perfect airbrushed bodies. Best of all, the women don’t talk. Men don’t have to worry about nagging or having to interact with the women they view in magazines and videos. Men can just have their way them, and be done with it.
The reality is that women don’t want to have sex all the time, not all women have cantaloupe-sized tatas, and women like to talk. Sometimes a lot.
Porn-obsessed men thus have a hard time starting any type of meaningful relationship because the girls they meet don’t measure up to the women in their magazines and on their websites. And when a man does establish a loving sexual relationship, many sociologists have noted that men who have used porn view their partner through a “pornographic filter.” They’ll resort to impersonal fantasy of some porn scene when they’re having sex because the love for their partner isn’t enough to satisfy them.
The porn-brained man also pushes his woman into doing things she’s not very comfortable with, seeking to act out the exotic scenes he’s seen on film. And he’ll think women are all about it. On sites like Jezebel (the writers of which are far from prudish women) women complain that men of this generation will sometimes do things like ejaculate on their face the first time they have sex, thinking that every women thinks that’s really hot. What a sad commentary on today’s men.
If you want to have a good love life, avoid the porn.
4. It creates a cycle that diminishes your sexual pleasure
While society says that more is always key to happiness, the truth is that moderation is. The pleasure receptors of our mind are sensitive mechanisms. When you first try something new, be it travel, food, or porn, the stimuli easily activate these receptors. But after repeated exposure to the stimuli, your pleasure plateaus. At this point, people often reach for more-more food, more sex, more porn, etc. in order to recover the initial pleasure they once took in the experience. But this only begins a vicious cycle in which you must seek ever greater and more intense stimulation to return to your initial pleasure level. Eventually you overwhelm and numb your pleasure receptors. Studies have shown that when looking at porn you get used to the level of graphics-ness that is portrayed and then need to ratchet up that level to get the same thrill from it. And where will that cycle end?
While society may sell you on the idea that the more sexual images you cram into your life, the happier you’ll be, the opposite is true. To quote Naomi Wolfe:
The reason to turn off the porn might become, to thoughtful people, not a moral one but, in a way, a physical- and emotional-health one; you might want to rethink your constant access to porn in the same way that, if you want to be an athlete, you rethink your smoking. The evidence is in: Greater supply of the stimulant equals diminished capacity.
After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it. Other cultures know this. I am not advocating a return to the days of hiding female sexuality, but I am noting that the power and charge of sex are maintained when there is some sacredness to it, when it is not on tap all the time.
5. It saps your manly confidence
Porn saps a lot of confidence you have in yourself. Men usually turn to porn when they’re depressed and lonely. Instead of making the effort to get out and meet real women, many men take the easy way with porn. More often than not, after getting their fix, men feel even more depressed and lonely because the only intimacy they can get is with a magazine or a web video. It leaves them feeling empty inside. Even worse, pornography can become a crutch for a man, which in turn can sap even more of their confidence.
What do you all think? Is porn really a problem for men? Drop a line in the comment box. Again, this is a touchy issue, but I know we can have a frank discussion about this important topic with the civility and class Art of Manliness readers are known for.
Also, stay tuned for a future post on how to quit porn.
Further reading: The Number 1 Reason Why So Many Boys and Grown Men Surf Porn (and What to Do About It).
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I really enjoyed reading this article. It is true that men (not all) put themselves so far into porn that they no longer see women for who they truely are. My boyfriend is one of those men. All his life he’s been all about the porn and now I have come into his life and he is always “comparing” me to these “perfect” women. Making comments when we watch a movie and a it does make me feel like crap. Like almost as if I have to look like that for him to compliment me…Its sad. We have watched porn together and at first I was all game for it but when it turned into a all the time thing and then him saying I should get fake tits and what not thats when I was over it. Its extremely sad that men (not all) have lowered themselves to well pigs. They wont ever have good relationships. This one won’t be lasting much longer.
Thanks for the article. Its nice to see mens view points on their own issues. =D
A very good article, one point that was missed however is that by using pornography you are supporting an industry that is extremely exploitative of the people whom it employs. People who feature in porn are very often emotionally troubled, many have long histories of drug and alcohol misuse, petty crime, prostitution or sexual abuse. The porn industry heavily exploits these vulnerable people, placing them in often unpleasant or even dangerous sexual scenarios in order to make money, discarding them once they are no longer useful. A few years ago there was a high profile HIV outbreak within the industry, allegedly stemming from the fact that while shooting in Brazil the studio executives failed to check whether the hired local performers had been tested for STDs. What exactly can you do for a living once you’ve been a porn star and you have no other skill? The list of notable porn stars who have died untimely early deaths is a long one – it doesn’t seem such a glamorous life now does it?
Wow. Amazing words. I am going to bookmark this website. I absolutely agree with your words. I have always said it myself, porn breaks mens confidence, and gives them a false sense of what to expect when having a relationship. I personally think that the porn industry is one of the worst plagues upon society today. All it is, is an immoral group of money worshippers behind the scenes who are corrupting society, and like you said, a generation of cybersex slaves are emerging. What a disgrace to humanity. May our Lord hepl us. Ameen.
Well said, sir. I am proud to share a name with you.
i used to watch porn and i can tell you all what you aid was right on
As a man who has struggled with porn mainly for the last reason (I struggle with anxiety and depression and have often attempted to use it to “escape,” but nothing is worse than piling the shame and the sense of “this is the best I can get” on top of depression), this is a valuable article to read, and I agree with every point. Most of it I have heard before, there is a lot of Christian material out there that addresses the points in the same realistic manner without giving it the “forbidden fruit” appeal, but it reiterates a lot of points. I’m essentially done with it (with the occasional fall back), but ceasing to view it is the first step of a long battle, because of how powerful sex is as a motivator and reinforcer, the images stay with you. There are few feelings more awful than meeting an intelligent, God-fearing woman in church and thinking what it would be like to “do” what you saw on a video 3 years ago with her.
This was a very good and common sense approach to pornography. There have been many marriages and relationships ruined by it. Men don’t need it and anyone who says they do is just plain wrong. There are moral and religious issues involved with it but there are physical issues as well. Porn can ruin a man’s capacity to have a healthy fulfilling sexual relationship. It’s best avoided altogether.
I agree with the article. I never thought about it. It was very insightful. Thanks
What a bunch of whiners. Sure, porn is going to reduce the amount of sexual anxiety that one harbours for their significant other at a given time thus resulting in decreased willingness to tolerate or compramise with said other. That is what porn does in a relationship. Are you trying to convince me that a modern man can’t, “Man up” and force themselves to be more maluable for their special someone in times of decreased desires, post porn session? Are you trying to tell me that before porn, I will do dishes, adore my kids, compliment my wife, and feel like king Man of my domicile and after porn I am ungreatful, meekish, and unwilling? Every Man should have complete control over his A: Emotions, B: Actions, C: Behavior. If you are unable to perform and behave as a caring, generous, providing, nurturing, loving spouse because you had an early release that day to some Internet porn, then you do have a problem: You’re a pussy and need to learn about obligation, the role of a man, and choosing your attitude. Porn or no porn, you don’t get to choose the weather. Manning up and playing your role is part of the yolk my friend. This whole article sounds to me like a bunch of scared “men” saying that porn is the bad guy. A Man can have a drink (then he doesn’t drive), a Man can have a cigar (Then he brushes/washes up), a Man can do what ever the heck he wants as long as it is honorable (Never make the spouse look stupid in anyone’s eyes, especially not hers) and as long as it is in moderation. Is prohibiting something because you think that you and others can’t handle it manly? Prohibition didn’t work with the tree of knowledge and it hasn’t worked since. Men can rationalize and make educated, informed decisions. Prohibiting something without knowing the character of another Man is simply irresponsible, reckless, presumptious, and an ignorant easy-way-out. Get back to writing articles about straight razor shaving, good work boots, tools, cars, and things that aren’t out of your depth. It takes a Man’s strong mind to be able to handle something like porn in moderation and use it wisely to stimulate your relationship (Something that Men shouldn’t even discuss outside of the relationship without the wife presant and approving because it undermines her trust for you). You call yourselves Men and agree with this garbage? I don’t share your opinions. Your weakness is what prompted you to say things like “Opinions welcome” and “In my opinion”… There is a right and a wrong on all things. Porn is not wrong. There are aspects of it that are terrible like the exploitation of workers and that it isn’t controlled to those who can’t handle it (Most of you weanies). There is also the fact that Men have enjoyed porn since it was painted on the walls of Pompeii. Get ahold of yourselves (no pun intended) and start acting like MEN! -If you need a Man’s opinion on a topic with supporting arguments and lessons, you can e-mail me. My manliness is beyond the reproach of your feminist leaning screams of porn runining a Man. I believe it wasn’t long ago women were screaming the same thing about gin. Are you waffling on that one too? In the interest of time, (and that you haven’t put up a decent argument against the use of porn in moderation) I will end with that but I haven’t even cleared one barrel yet. Someone provoke me with something intelligent.
I agree with the article, and it’s good to hear somebody talking about this from a rational standpoint. I would have been happy and fine to go on without commenting if it weren’t for Casey right behind me. There’s really no need to pick an argument with someone who has the need to defend pornography so strenuously and with caustic vocabulary (“pussy” – honestly?), as well as with empty logical arguments. The point of the matter is that pornography has destroyed lives, marriages, and relationships, and will continue to do so if labeled by society as ‘liberating’ and ‘normal’.
A man who smokes destroys his lungs by just that much; a man who drinks destroys his liver by just that much; likewise, a man who views pornography destroys himself by just that much every time. A vice is still a vice, no matter how long it’s been practiced – practices from ancient Pompeii also include slavery and prostitution.
My manliness is based on honor, chivalry, and honesty. Incidentally, it’s also beyond the reproach of boyish cries defending the degradation of sex and women. Pornography robs every man of those three values and more. While some might be able to pick up and move on without nary a scratch, many cannot.
Thank you, AoM, for a frank look at a frightening aspect of our modern culture.
Excellent thoughts and thanks for posting on a controversial topic. Personally, I have a slightly different view since I’m a woman who writes pornography for a living. But as a dedicated wife, mother of 2, and homemaker, I couldn’t promote the idea of healthy moderation more. Even in my erotic novels there is a lot of character development and emotional buildup (and non-cheesy or clicheed romance) before the mind-shattering sex scenes. I think this is healthier porn because it’s more like real life (instead of video porn where strangers just jump right into sex). Erotic literature is different from ‘porn’ in that if you removed the explicit sex you’d still have a damn good story.
Also, (and I think this would be a good investigation for this blog) – since eReaders (like Kindle, Nook) have taken off, more men are now reading erotic literature because they don’t have to be embarrassed to buy books with steamy covers. Sales are going through the roof. This means some men prefer sex with context (along with that evil stigma of a word ‘romance’!). It’s possible some men only watch video porn because they think it’s all that’s available when they want ‘inspiration’. I’m glad that some are discovering the more intelligent and moderate alternatives. I’m even considering adding more male perspectives into my work now. Usually we only had women reading so we wrote from only a female perspective, but now I’d be thrilled to write what a man is thinking/feeling/orgasming in these scenarios. And I have more than a few guys who are volunteering to proofread for me ;-)
Thank you so much! When I read this article, I realized how disgusting porn really is. Also, reading some of the comments, the ways people try to justify porn are so unreasonable. Although I’ve struggled with it for years, you’ve opened my eyes, I’m deciding to quit today.Thanks again!
This is a great website. Everything you write is insightful.
A while back I surfed the net for some excitement. I found a guy masturbating, was immediately turned on and reached orgasm fast! Wow right? Well, that clip was saved for future use but I noticed after a very short period it just wasn’t doing it for me so, I surfed for the next guy… then the next. It definitely had a diluting affect for me. Soon, nothing gave me that high. Then I realized how sex with my real guy wasn’t quite as exciting as it once was. That is, until I shut down the computer and got back to real life, love and emotions.
I can’t help but think that men and women aren’t quite so different, otherwise why are SO many sites available? It gets old. Everything gets old EXCEPT that deep connection between two people. That’s what keeps sex good and exciting not these 2 minute clips that get to the point. It’s not about getting to the point, it’s about the journey. We seem to forget that. We forget about the ebb and flow of being in love and how the excitement of making love follows that same path. Porn tricks us into thinking we should expect the exact same height of excitement every time sex happens.
Right now, my guy may be experiencing problems with too much exposure. He hasn’t hit on me in a week and I’ve noticed it takes him much longer to reach orgasm than it used to when we do have sex. We’re both aware of each other’s personal sexual habits, and since I had my own experience with being diluted I can see it’s having the same affect on him.
I felt in my gut years ago that even if I was exposed to my loved one’s nakedness too often I wouldn’t be so inclined to want to rip his clothes off. A little mystery could go a long way. I hear often that foreplay for women happens throughout the day. Something tells me it could possibly be the same for men. I’d like to know what you guys think about that possibility.
I know this from my personal experience… When the relationship is new it’s all about the not knowing, the mystery of the other person and the wanting to know. The wanting period. What happens when you find all that out? It’s almost like you have to play a little game with each other to spark that wanting again, but it’s difficult to play that game when your boyfriend’s at the finish line before the game even starts!
It just seems if we get into and stay in reality and learn to enjoy the process, we won’t get lost in the search for 2 minute highs while our relationships fall to the all time low.
I think masturbation can be useful especially when your partner’s out of commission, but it’s probably better to use your own made up fantasies or your brain will become the equivalent to today’s fat and lazy kids who play video games instead of playing real games outside.
I fantasize about my boyfriend when I masturbate these days and as far as my wondering if he’s being over exposed? I’ll give him another week and see if he still has trouble reaching orgasm with me and if so, I’ll simply ask him to stop masturbating and looking at porn.
I think modern porn is worse than that from the 70′s or 80′s. The earlier porn managed to portray a fake but convincing display of passion and lust between the participants, and I wonder if there was more a market for that then as well. The porn you see today is so darn clinical and emotionless in comparison.
My husband and I have been struggling with his porn use for quite some time. We lived together for several months before I was even aware that he used porn, that was partially my fault for not asking, but it never occurred to me to ask…upon “catching” him looking at porn on numerous occasions, I realized it was a problem.
I don’t really have a problem with porn. I have a problem with my husband and porn. Do I mind that he looks at porn? No. In fact, it arouses me to think about it… Do I mind that he tries to hide it from me and if given the choice would jerk off to porn more often than make love to me? Yes. I would feel completely different about him and porn if he had just been up front and honest with me. I enjoy watching porn with him. I even dabble in some solo porn time myself. The difference is I can get off from watching porn and I still want to have sex with him afterward.
Sometimes I think I make myself too available to him. I’m one of those girls that is willing to strip down and have sex at any time of the day. I rarely make him give me foreplay, nothing a little spit/lube can’t fix..and I don’t mind only giving him oral sex and not receiving anything in return….to an extent. My husband tends to only “please” me upon my request. There have been times where he will go four months without giving me an orgasm, or even trying to turn me on. THAT is a big problem.
I only looked at porn out of curiosity as I was growing up, I never actually got off to it until I was much older, and I never got off to it on any sort of a regular basis until I started dating my husband.
I’m not a prudish woman that wont ever put out to her husband that still expects him to only get off to her. I’m pretty willing to try anything as long as it doesn’t involve the presence of a third party.
I think the big problem with porn is it’s hard to only do it in moderation. I think most people have lost the ability to have self-control these days. It’s all or nothing.
My husband is actually very religious and believes porn is “taboo,” which was why he was so quick to hide his problem. But hiding does NOT improve the quality of your relationship, ever. In most cases, if you have to hide something from your significant other, something else isn’t right. Maybe that’s our problem, but I sincerely believe it’s because porn is so wrong among a lot of Christians.
unreasonable expectations from porn? have you ever read a romance novel (porn for women) talk about unrealistic expectations.
the hero in those novels are all ripped, over 6 foot tall, wealthy and in some case’s immortal and gets a stiffy just by looking into a girls eyes.
women dont think there is anything wrong with romance novels.
I think as long as the person has some control and isnt just using porn to the exclusing of a relationship then I dont see why there is a problem and if you dont like porn or dont want to watch it, no one will force you to.
hi. im 15 yrs old and have been masturbating about 5 times a week. i got in on porn at an early age and would jerk off at pics on the web but now Ive been doing it to videos for a long time now and im a little worried. you see, i went to this chicks b-day party and we played spin the bottle and did body shots. now i kissed some chicks, but i didn’t get aroused but i didn’t really think about it. the girls were in booty shorts and had half shirt things on with a lot of cleavage, now everything was really sexy until one girl suggested playing 7 min. in heaven, then i got really worried. i wasn’t sure i could get it up so i really didn’t want to do it. thankfully (i guess) we didn’t do that but i got to thinking I’ve really been hitting the porn for a while now and have heard that if you watch too much you WONT be able to get it up. i just read the article and i’m really scared now so can someone please help me or give me advice on what to do now??? i have stopped porn completely believe me im never doin that again.
I think you stated your argument very well. I agree with everything you said, and appreciate the actual reprocussions you associated with pornography in relationships. Honeystly, it was a breath of fresh air…
I went through a period with porn and experienced much, but not all, of the problems noted. I would say the biggest issue was objectifying sex with my wife. It became more physical and less emotional and while she got off ok, it was not fullfilling for either of us. Perhaps there is something to learn about the physical aspects of sex from porn, but it can kill the emotional side and without both in balance, a couples sex life will stagnate and die.
Despite all the negative reasons that porn has. I believe it comes down to what sex was originally meant for. My view is unpopular, but I’m okay with that.
Sex was meant for marriage. Yup…that’s about it. : )
It creates a bond emotionally and spiritually that was meant for marriage. I believe porn degrades that purpose. Though some may be able to control themselves, for many it easily can become an addiction.
And yup..I’m about to quote scripture :)
Romans 13:13 (New American Standard Bible)
“Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy.”
See I don’t think God makes up rules and principals just because he makes them up. He makes them because he knows what effects it has on a people and society. I think when you begin to see as God sees, you will begin to think as God thinks. :)
There’s my sermon for the day :) It is Sunday after all!
Montel,
I understand what your saying. I think it’s like any addiction. The more you have, the more you need to satisfy. That’s what were saying here too, when you get so much of this porn, you need more and more to satisfy. And when you do get married, you will have expectations that she will never fulfill. I would suggest an awesome book entitled, “Every Young Man’s Battle.”
Men suck next time I’m getting a woman! My husband was huffing and puffing it with porn while I was pregnant and sick with morning sickness. I hate you bastards. Don’t puck me and knock me up then look at other women. He was the one to tell me he wanted another baby. I believe this was BS! I love the baby, but hate his hind end now. Think about that the next time your staring at women that wouldn’t speak to you in person because they are too beautiful for you! An angry wife is a horrible life! I have taken on the same self centered what is in it for me attitude. I stay with him to spend his money and torture him. I have no desire to live a long happy life with this lying sack of dog crap. I know that he will be a deadbeat dad when I leave so I am depositing money into my childrens accounts. Just an idea for all you other gals thinking of leaving. I also have 3 accounts of my own. The crap for brains wrecked my car 7 years ago and has kept us in ruins with money. I had to sell stocks at a loss to buy a baby bed for my baby. He kept our money from me in the beginning of the marriage. He made loans to people and paid for other peoples meals while I was pregnant and had no food at home. I had money saved from when I worked he didn’t know about and that is how I feed myself while pregnant. Revenge is mine!!!
Thanks for the article. While I’m a religious man myself, I appreciated the bit about the hell-fire-and-brimstone preaching on the subject of pornography. I think that has made many a young man think “Wow, this is terrible, I must be the only one who has an issue with this.” The shame that is often created by such treatments of this subject can just amplify the problem exponentially.
So far as I’ve been able to tell, it really is a filthy industry, and a filthy industry where a few greedy and unscrupulous people make heaps of money by taking advantage of others (mainly women) in some of the worst possible ways. I know, I know, we can argue about this study or that study that says it’s not as bad as all that and that there’s regular testing and no one gets hurts. But I find it a pretty hard pill to swallow.
I guess what it boils down to for me is that I’ve never heard anyone say to me, “Wow Josh, I am just so glad that I got into porn when I was a teenager. It’s been a great use of my time and the return on the money I invested has been phenomenal. And you know what? My wife is totally fine with me bringing home some of the guys from work so we can try what I saw in a porno flick last week!” Nor have I ever heard anyone say, “You know what Josh, I never really got into porn and I’m disappointed about that. I had really looked forward to my little daughter catching me watching some naughty movies on the computer.” What I have heard is, “Man, I wish I had just cut the internet off before it got this bad.”
I think that masturbation is completely normal, however I also believe that it can become a crutch.. A young man in a long-term relationship still feels the urge for sexual novelty (unless you have been castrated). A single man needs to relieve stress, ejaculation is definately a great way to relieve stress. Porn satisfies that need for many men, being sexually repressed is not healthy and leads to many of the crimes we see today. When a man is sexually frustrated it can spill over into other facets of his life, having a destructive influence. I do agree that for some, it can become a problem. The new generation is what I am worried about, I remember when I was lucky to score a playboy and rotate a few girls to prevent the material from getting old. Now, I do not understand how any 13+ year old boy with internet access even leaves his room. The amount of free porn on the internet is staggering, it’s simply amazing and horrifying at the same time. Excessive porn use can be an impediment to your willingness to go out and meet women.
I know that I am coming in late to the conversation, but I would like to address a common misconception that a few people above had. Not all porn actresses like their job. You would be surprised how many beautiful girls get involved in porn because they think it will be fun, or profitable. They don’t complete their education, many of them dropping out of college to join the porn industry. Once they get in they realize that it is not at all as fun as it looks like. They have to have sex with strange guys they don’t know, regardless of whether or not they feel like having sex that day, or whether they require foreplay to be turned on. Whatever the case, these actresses soon find out that they are not cut out for porn. However, they can’t quit because if they did they would have no way to earn money, so they are stuck. This problem is so big that there is actually a charity called the Pink Cross that provides supplies to former porn actresses (and actors too) that quit their job and are now struggling to earn enough money. It was started by former porn actress Shelley Lubben. Google the Pink Cross to find out more, read Shelley’s story and the stories of thousands of porn actors and actresses regarding their time in the porn industry, why they couldn’t quit, and what happened to them when they finally did quit. It is important for you all to know that just because Jenna Jameson likes her job, doesn’t mean that the rest of them do.
Great article, very down to earth w/out being preachy. Relies on application in the real-world and not on subjective morality, even though I also agree w/ the later. Glad I found this, will definitely return to this site in the future!
@Duncan Rainey Hoopes Jr.: Way off topic but regarding the Puritans I honor their legacy in the American attitude to wealth (recycle your profits into the growth of your enterprise) which has been eroding since the consumer society emerged after WWII. The Puritans’ greatest curse upon America was not IMO our neurotic attitude to sexuality, but the awful example they set with respect to the American Indians. Unlike the French Canadians and the Spanish missionaries, the Puritans treated the Natives as alien threats and kept meaningful interaction to a minimum apart from the rare native who converted and wholly abandoned his heritage. As a result the American Indian population and culture in the US was decimated and, unlike in Canada and Latin America, has left only a faint imprint on the modern American mainstream. Washington Redskins does not count.
@Susan Walsh: I clicked on the link and glanced at your blog. Interesting enough that I will be back to read what you are saying to all the single ladies.
@SpenceGould: Where the heck did you find your stuff? It must be so rare, I suppose, because to realistically depict intimacy would be too challenging for all but the most talented directors and actors. We’re talking SAG here, not AVN.
@All: First let me say that a man’s relationship with porn is different depending on his age. A 13-year old will be profoundly, if unconsciously, conditioned and influenced by explicit depictions of sex and nude women; especially because he has (one hopes) had no real experience to compare against it. As an adolescent with raging hormones and insufficient wisdom to modulate his behavior, he’ll have beaten off to T. Patrick and friends ten thousand times before he experiences sex in a relationship for the first time. By that point he’s been thoroughly conditioned to expect sex and women to be a certain way, and reforming these expectations to reality will be a long and unpleasant process.
Second, I think porn exacerbates penis envy, on top of all the body issues we inherit from magazine covers and TV shows of model men with thick hair and rock-hard abs. I mean, if I look over and over at photos and videos of “hot” women enthralled by the extreme assets (7, 8, 9…then a shot glass of shot) of male pornstars, it’s hard not to wonder if or how I measure up, pun intended, to the woman in front of me. That insecurity is a real buzz kill. The women in the videos, by the way, are likely faking it. It is said that women, aside from a few size queens, think too big is a more likely deal breaker than too small.
Third, I invite all masturbating, single men to try it without visual aids. Just conjure something you haven’t seen in a porno, and go to town! If you’ve been using porn all along, it will take longer–but at least it will challenge and develop your capacity to visualize and stay focused. You’ll likely be doing it less often as a result, which will make each instance more appreciable.
Fourth, rather than just declaring this to be wrong or that to be okay, how about teaching young men to apply the Socratic method? For example, “Hmm. Naked woman. Man putting junk into woman. What, if anything, is this image teaching me about what a sexy woman should look like or how a man and a woman should behave together?”
Fifth, the media is by far the biggest influence on our sexual attitudes and scripts, and to get attention and sell things it will always promote a fantasy. Bringing about a healthy, balanced attitude to sexuality in our society requires mentors to step up and be available and candid to the young men about what sex is really like and how women really want to be viewed and treated.
Finally, I hope I have set an example for openness and levity in discussing a weighty topic. Passions are so strong on both sides of the issue that I think we need some humor to keep things from getting too serious. Peace be upon you all.
Porn is always going to be a part of the world and both men and women can enjoy it in moderation. My concern is a little different and isn’t covered in this post.
Online porn is not longer just porn, it’s gone far beyond that into a very psychological area. It’s not longer just dirty photos and movies iwth bad plots, it’s not about enticing the man to watch live movies or talk with live girls online or even meet other horney people like you right now. My concern is that where does it go from being porn to being something far worse, falling into the realms of psychological cheating? If a man is sitting enjoying himself while watching a girl doing the same live or even worse chatting to her and getting her to do things for him, or being on the phone or webcam with another person. Where does it go from being something pretty harmless to something that rightly can destroy a relationship? Where is the boundary nowadays and what shoudl a women accept and what should she confront? When it’s so easy for men and women to overstep this boundary from porn to interaction what does the future hold for any ‘normal’ relationship with unspoken rules that you don’t flirt too much and certainly don’t cheat physically or mentally?
I just don’t get it. Don’t men only want their significant other to want them as well? Is this just a curse we women have? There is truly nothing like the feeling of finding that filth. How is it in anyway making you a better man? Isn’t that what we should be trying to do everyday? Wake up and ask ourselves, what can I do (or not do rather) to make myself a better person. This doesn’t seem to fit into that thought process. It’s sad, and those who think it’s fine, I think if you really took the time to search your heart and soul, you’d know it’s wrong as well. I know it’s affected me and my dating relationships, and creates a crazy fear that the man I marry one day will cheat on me, because he likes getting aroused by other women. I think I will become an old maid, because a good man is hard to find, but a great man doesn’t seem to exist in the 20-30 year old age group. Such a tragedy.
I have been viewing porn since I was a kid around 11 years old. I don’t know much about this site, but you are on point. I am an African American Man. I notice hip hop changed with porn, music changed with porn. TV changed with porn and you see in the Churches Porn and abuse has changed the structure of churches and temples. I suffer also. Porn was a release, I did not want to be bothered listing to a woman talk. I love women, but I don’t want to hear them all the time. I fantasize about Asian woman, because in porn and movies,the don’t talk much. Yet, that is not always true. Dew to porn I notice Black woman are really all over the porn industry doing thing I thought were impossible. Makes any man want them, but when you get them, it is a big disappointment, because of the fantasy.
it is not real. So I turn to my trusty porn to get what I want and be afraid to approach them I person. Who every you are, you are on point.
I really appreciate this article. The reason I found this article is because I’m getting married to a man who likes porn…a lot. This has caused fights over the past 5 years, many where I’m crying about how insecure his porn habit makes me. I’m really struggling with this issue in our relationship because I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Should this be a make or break of our future or should I except this unsettling habit? I understand that men look at porn but I just don’t know what is considered “in moderation”. There have been many instances where I’ve cried asking him to stop and now he’s just good at clearing his history on the computer. This is so frustrating to me and is now really making me look at my relationship and wonder…is this what I want for the rest of my life…?
Thoughts???
I will tell you like this only a loser would watch porn all day long, personally I watch a clip and keep it moving its a means of getting my rocks off so I wont feel lustful during the important times of the day. So that when I get around women I won’t be thinking about sex but actually engaging into a meaningful and understanding conversation with them.I view the porn industry as a means of expressing healthy sexual needs but I do believe deviant practices should be outlawed such as homosexual,and all of the other crazy stuff that some people are into. That is the filthy part of porn the deviant practices.
You mention good interpersonal clues like lonely: men not able to seek out women,
easy high, things like that. I agree. When I first began surfing, I surfed daily, to get exercise, and also to be part of something, more challanging, more adventurious, more socially connected, and more happier than sitting around watching TV, or waxing the car. I think all men have that inside, but porno really shuts it “off” in me.
Talking about endoriphines, well that is what surfing or swimming is all about. But check it out! A person must beable to get out into the surf; he must be skilled, and work at it! Now look at the thrill rides at the amusement parks. Same sensation…pretty much, like a 25 foot wave in Hawaii, but with out risk. So in many ways I think your article does a great job at attacking the subject-because porno, is a whole lot of pleasure but with out risk, or effort…I really agree with this article…
MEN NEED TO GET OUT, move around, inter act, then they realize, a lot of what is going on around them is totally a psych out!!! They can over come the adversity with more confidence…Thanks for your article, I will try to put some of the things I learned into practice-great job.
Thank you.. you have renewed my hope that there are men out there who get it. If you’re a man who shares the point of view in this article, find me!
So, the infamous discussion on pornography has ensued.
Firstly – No, of course it is not WRONG for men and women to masterbate, it is a way of finding out what we like, and helps us to direct our partners. But what i would like to know, is if porn is such a necessity, why did millions of men and women manage to have extremely successful masterbation sessions and sexual encounters before porn came into existance?
It is utter rubbish to say ” i can’t imagine images, situations etc, porn allows me to do that”,You CAN do that, you are simply to lazy. Porn allows people to look at others in a sexually gratifying way, and to not feel guilty about it. So if it is not morally wrong, when your girlfriend/boyfriend find’s those websites on your pc, do you lie about it? or feel guilty, or get defensive. Surely if there is nothing to be ashamed of, then you would have no issue with admitting the fact.
I have watched porn, and everything about it is physical. You wouldn’t watch a porn in which you wern’t attracted to the guy/girl. For example, if the woman was grossly overweight, the chances of you chosing that video compared to a girl with pert breasts and a fit figure are VERY slim – Because its all about attractiveness when it comes down to it.
I’m not saying that porn is wrong, and horrible, but it DOES have the ability to impair a persons morals, viewpoints, and expectations. No matter how strong-willed and opinionated that person may be.
Thankyou.
this is as heteronormative as it comes. The difference between straight and gay men:
Straight men watch porn and say “I wish my girlfriend would let me do that.” Gay men watch porn and get ideas for the next romp with their boyfriends. The gender dynamics and ‘sexual objectification’ doesn’t really work out the same way. And anyone who thinks a gay man is less than a man clearly hasn’t met any big muscle bears.
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