Editor’s Note: AoM has previously discussed how to break-up with someone like a man. But what if a woman breaks up with you? Today my good friend Michael Etzkorn gives some much-needed advice on how to deal with this unfortunate turn of events.
Breaking up is hard, whether it is mutual or one party does the dirty work. Any serious relationship that ends will leave one or both people heartbroken. My fiancé and I were together for nearly four years when we ended it; it had been a long-distance relationship for some time, and we couldn’t agree on what we both wanted and needed in our marriage. Our break-up was very civil and mature, but that is not to say that it was painless. Fortunately, heartache is bearable if you can man up. Almost all of this advice is a composite of good advice from friends and first-hand experience.
Leading Up to Breaking Up
There is always a period of time leading up to the break-up where at least one self-aware person in the relationship will notice that there is trouble in paradise. Whether it’s a short relationship or one spanning many years, there’s always a road to break-up. It can take a matter of hours or it can take months. If you’ve ever heard the term “the suspense is killing me,” then you’ll understand that this is the hardest part of any break-up. Here are some tips on handling this phase:
- Don’t behave differently, unless they ask you to. Trying to make changes without knowing exactly what the problem is will make things more awkward.
- Don’t break up with them just to avoid being dumped. It’s cowardly, and you might regret ending something you could have saved.
- Don’t pretend the relationship is over and start seeing other people. If you want to end it, end it. If they end it, it is over. Until then, you still have obligations.
- Talk to her. This might end things more quickly, but that’s a good thing. If it’s going to happen, better it happen sooner so that you can start getting better.
The Actual Break-up
This is where things get ugly. This is also when you want to ask questions. You want to ask them now, because you’ll want time away from them after the break-up. You’ll also want to find out exactly what it is they are thinking in case it really is something you can fix. Ask questions like:
- What can we do to make this work?
- What can I do to make things better?
- Why are you ending this?
- Is there someone else?
- What can I do to make future relationships work better?
The key to the break-up is dignity. Being a pathetic, sobbing wretch is not going to win her back. Neither is being a furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut. Hold your head up, have respect for her and have respect for yourself. Be reasonable when you try to find out what you can do to save the relationship; you shouldn’t give in to demands or options that you don’t want to live with. There have been several times I’ve offered to save the relationship by promising something I really wasn’t comfortable with, but it doesn’t fix the relationship; it simply shifts the awkwardness around. You might still be with her at the end of it, but at what cost? Do both of you a favor: remember your dignity.
Aftermath
People will try to give you formula like ‘a week for every month’, but the truth is that you’ll be better when you are better. This is when you might cry your eyes out or hit the gym or find a friend with a punching bag in his garage. Remember that it’s over. Here are a few things to keep in mind in the meantime.
- Be reasonable. Don’t join the army on a whim or shave your head. Do not do anything dangerous or stupid. I promise that you won’t win her back scratching obscene language into her car door. You definitely will not win her back by putting the moves on her best friend or by starting a fistfight with the fellow you think she is dating, now.
- Your friends and family are there for you. Don’t be afraid to let them know you could use a pick-me-up, like some company at a movie or a camping trip or just to hang out while you grade papers or fact-check a journal article.
- Stay busy! You don’t have to stay so busy you don’t think about it, but working out or working on a project will give you a sense of purpose that will make things more bearable. This is the time for that project you’ve been meaning to do for years.
- Avoid her. Don’t listen when people tell you that you should not be afraid to be around her. Take all the time you need to get your feet back under you. When you’re ready to see her, you will know. Until then, put her pictures and love letters away. You wouldn’t expose an open wound to the elements, would you?
- Don’t go looking for pity. You should know the difference between having a bad moment and spending eight weeks with the same depressing Facebook status. You will not feel better; you will only bring down the friends who actually care about your plight.
- Do not stalk your ex! Stay away from her Facebook or Myspace. It’s tempting, but what you need to do is build yourself up again. Trying to keep this person in your life by hanging out by her house or checking her e-mail or logging on to their social networking site is not just unhealthy, it’s an invasion of privacy.
Your life will go on. Things will get better. It will take a long time, in all likelihood, and it will take some work. Above everything else, remember your respect for the other person and your respect for yourself. Keep your head up high and roll with the punches.
Facebook
{ 9 trackbacks }
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
The biggest one for me is ignore your urge to tell that person everything that is wrong with them and definitely don’t ask them to do the same for you. I think people are most blind right around a break up. We are not thinking straight and any criticism from them or us that comes out is likely not going to be helpful.
A man realizes he has faults, and that the people around him have faults. A man never feels the need to remind others of their faults just so he feels better about his own.
hi, i just wanted to say that this is the best advice on weathering a break-up i’ve ever seen, and equally applicable to women as men (though avoidance is, among other things, sometimes not an option). i certainly could have used this advice two years ago =)
I’m honestly a little disappointed. I usually love the articles on Art of Manliness, and was actually just broken up with. Instead of a list of what not to do, I would have liked to see what to do. I feel like there are few people to talk to after a breakup, and as a man I have a hard time expressing my emotions and even just letting them out. I’d like to see more coping mechanisms than “stay busy.”
That aside, the “what not do do” items are things I like to keep in mind.
I would really appreciate something written on being rejected, from what i see here that is a much bigger problem.
This is very sound advice which would be well-considered by any despondent ex. However, one needs to experience the dubious pleasure of being a righteous, “furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut” once in their lives.
I’m learning that the most powerful thing you can do is, strangely enough, sit alone and do nothing. The key to dealing with a breakup is learning to live with joy being alone. I’m most certainly not there yet, not by a longshot, but I know that’s what it’s going to take.
If you have been in a relationship for a long time it’s hard to see yourself on your own; this is the period where you really need to learn to love just being on your own and being yourself. Not an easy task, but if you can learn to do that not only will your next relationship be so much better, any future breakups won’t hit you nearly as hard (that, and you’ll likely be self-aware enough well before it gets too bad anyway)
Other recommendations:
*Respect yourself; don’t give up your dignity. No woman is worth destroying your self-regard.
*Respect her; don’t destroy her dignity.
*Learn and grow from the breakup; accept responsibility for your own faults which contributed to the breakup and don’t put all the blame on her.
*Allow some time before you start seeing someone else; regroup; reset your bearings; don’t neglect your own identity.
*Don’t isolate in a pity party; get out and maintain relationships with your male friends, being careful not to talk about the breakup too much.
Thats funny, I thought you already wrote this article.
http://artofmanliness.com/2009/04/05/the-art-of-manliness-guide-to-scotch-whisky/
One imprtant “do” for the aftermath is to continue to speak highly your ex. Do not get dragged down into bitchy comments, insults or blame throwing. Behave with dignity.
Great article!
I am currently going thru the “Aftermath” of a tough breakup (15 months) and it is always nice to remember that this heartache is something every man will most likely deal with. I agree with the “Don’t stalk your Ex” and “Avoid her” advice. Too many of my buddies have tried to stay “friends” with their Ex’s which is not a bad idea until they get hurt even more or get back into that relationship without fixing any of the previous problems. Also, I removed my Facebook just so I was not tempted to “stalk” her new dates. Lastly, upon walking in on her and some new guy making out (possibly 2 weeks after our breakup), I was not tempted in the slightest to beat him up. I just had to call my younger brother to vent afterward haha.
Yeah, it’s definitely tough. Especially when they leave you saying they wanna start sleeping around instead of being with you. It is strange how you can never forget the person that was probably the worst for you.
Josh is a wise man….osh on April 22nd, 2009 2:34 am
I’m learning that the most powerful thing you can do is, strangely enough, sit alone and do nothing. The key to dealing with a breakup is learning to live with joy being alone. I’m most certainly not there yet, not by a longshot, but I know that’s what it’s going to take.
If you have been in a relationship for a long time it’s hard to see yourself on your own; this is the period where you really need to learn to love just being on your own and being yourself. Not an easy task, but if you can learn to do that not only will your next relationship be so much better, any future breakups won’t hit you nearly as hard (that, and you’ll likely be self-aware enough well before it gets too bad anyway)…..
I had a break up after eight years with this girl. It took forever to be able to be alone and fine with that. When I was able to be alone I was overwhelmed with emotion. This is a good thing. You have to be able to be sad, be angry, be lonely and be fine with those emotions. I was not ready to be fine with that and that was why I was unable to be alone. You cannot be with someone else unless you are comfortable being with yourself. Now I may enjoy being alone too much!
Reminds me of the advice in the Bad Company song – better get the boys round and do some drinking fast. Seriously, now’s the time to lean on your buddies. They won’t let you get too low, or take yourself too seriously.
This was a good article. The only thing I would emphasize is not to re-pursue her. If she broke up with you, it’s for a reason and if you “win” her back the reasons will still be there or she’ll find new reasons. Let her go. Go through your mourning for her. Get over her. Get back into taking charge of your own life and either stay single or find the girl that will appreciate you for who you are.
Trust me guys, I just got out of 10 years or marriage hell, and I mourned for the loss of a bad relationship for over a year and what did I learn through that? Besides that I just wasted 11 years, I now have a list of things to avoid if I ever get into another relationship.
My girlfriend of 3 years left me about 3 weeks ago and I’m just starting to get over it. Its hard going so long as “soandso’s boyfriend” and then having to find your way back to yourself.
Probably the toughest part of a break up is how up and down the whole thing is. One day you might wake up feeling really optimistic and happy and then an hour later you feel like absolute garbage. While your days will gradually consist of more ups and fewer downs, I have one tip to get yourself through them. Whenever you feel a tough spot coming on there are two or three things you can do to help yourself fight it off. Eat, caffeinate and (if you smoke) have a cigarette. This little regiment without fail will lift your spirits. Obviously be careful that you don’t over do it (theres nothing harder than trying to get back into the dating game only to realize that you put on 10 pounds in your break up) but these three simple things should help to chase away the blues.
In all honesty, this website has done a lot of awesome stuff for helping me get over my ex. Whereas I have spent the past 3 years working as hard as I can to be a good boyfriend, now I have time to work on simply being a better man. Its hard to do, but if you can look at a break up as an opportunity for self improvement, it can honestly turn into a pretty exciting experience.
I think that one of the most important things I can say to anyone in this situation is to be skeptical of any one else’s advice. While a lot of people similar to yourself have gone through experiences very similar to your own, no one knows exactly what you’re going through except for you. You need to figure out whats best for you. You need to make some mistakes and then you need to learn from them. Thats the only way to really grow out of this.
This is a very helpful article
I found out that talking to friends who listened well really helped. I had a break up after 6 years and every time I felt bottled up with emotion, I would find a friend who would listen. I must have done it with six different friends and I felt very light after it. I was careful not to overdo it.
Secondly, I remember that during the tough times, I kept on telling myself that if I dont take this breakup as a experience for personal growth, the breakup period would be a waste of time.
Most importantly, if there is one thing you have to remember, no matter how confused, angry, sad, bitter you feel, you have to maintain your dignity. I often feel like hurting my ex. with words but I know that I will feel ashamed after I do that.
Impeccable timing – do you guys spy on my life and post articles that are always timely? Thank you!
Wow, what timing, a girl i was deeply involved with for 3 years just told me she needed “a break” for a little while yesturday. We all know thats as good as goodbye… great article, im glad to say that ive done everything practically identically to the advice given. I suppose now only time will tell what will happen.
Excellent tips on “what not to do” but what about pro-active steps to take to move on? I got dumped after five solid happy years then found some traditional male responses truly helpful – no talking about it – lots of drinking, live rock and comedy clubs, screwing around – also throwing myself into my job, computers, ocean sports, etc. Guys are luckier in this regard: more interests and intellectual activities to lean on.
This is a lot of great advice. The only thing that confuses me is the title, it says “How to break up like a man”; what man uses facebook or myspace?
Good advice. Another tip that really works is to watch an inspirational film clip everyday or whenever you need a lift. Something that confirms your status as a dominant male..a man… the top of the food chain and chain of command. Try millitary or simply Lions in the wild.
Wonderful article. Some excellent advice, and even more in the comments section (particularly Grant and ellis – few things demonstrate one’s manliness as effectively as speaking well of an ex!).
The only other piece of advice I can offer from past experience: remember that if she found you worthy to date for __ period of time, then someone else will too. You might be afraid of being alone for the rest of your life, but the sooner you realize how worthy you are, the sooner you’ll see just how easy it will be to date again. And don’t be gun-shy, man up and ask other women out once you’re ready for it! Each rejection just brings you one step closer to your next special someone.
Dealing with break ups are easier if you go into it understanding that most women are oppurtunistic and will trade you in as soon as they think they can do better, and that your relationship will probably end, unless you make a lot of money, and design your life around doing exactly what she wants
Ha! I could have used this guide a couple of years ago, when I went through my first really painful break-up. My particular trespasses are being the “pathetic, sobbing wretch” and spending too much time on Facebook. Well, you live, you learn.
One issue, however, almost never gets addressed and talked about in these
kind of articles, namely when you and your soon-to-be/already-Ex have kids
together.
Besides all the good points already made, there’s the number one thing for you
to do: Be there for your kids and give them all the love you can possibly give
them. This includes hanging out with them as much as possible and never
talking bad about the other parent. Of course be honest about the state of
affairs, but do never forget…for the kids there’ll always be Mommy and Daddy
*as a unit*. Do not rob them of that security blanket because of your own
personal issues with your Ex…the kids have nothing, NOTHING to do with that!
If you can, try to maintain a dignified, workable and polite relationship with
your Ex. This will make many things a lot easier. Put your future and changed
relationship on the grounds, that while everything between you may now be at
opposites, you both love your kids and continue to act in their best
interests. If nothing else, they need to know that you do because you (both)
are the world to them.
Don’t forget to watch “Swingers” either!!