Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Wayne M Levine, M.A., Director of BetterMen.org and The West Coast Men’s Center
If you’re tired of coming up short as a man, father, husband or leader, these eight BetterMen Tools will help you to change your relationships and your life.
The fixes may not happen overnight. Embrace these tools and get the support you need to bring them to your relationships. With commitment, hard work and the courage to change, you’ll be amazed at the man you’ve become.
So here are the eight BetterMen Tools in a nutshell. Can you see the art to your better manliness in these descriptions?
Tool #1: Silence The Little Boy
Most of us have a little boy in us. He’s the one who didn’t get the love, attention, guidance, mothering, fathering or discipline he should have gotten – or thinks he should have gotten – when he was a boy. He’s also the real, wounded little boy who was abused and who never received the help he needed to heal and to grow up to be a healthy man. As a result, males in our society grow up without having a clear understanding of themselves as men, and they continue to act like needy little boys. Quit stomping your feet through life and in your relationships. To have a successful long-term relationship and to feel like a successful man, you’ve got to silence the little boy.
Tool #2: Express But Don’t Defend Your Feelings
Rather than discussing your feelings, you simply need to communicate them. When you learn to express your feelings without defending them, you’ll be giving your woman what she needs, strengthening your relationship, and feeling much more like the best man you can be. And when you express without defending with everyone else in your life, you’ll become a man others can count on and respect. Expressing your feelings also helps you avoid the anger, stress, resentment, depression, and a host of other unhealthy emotional and physical outcomes that come with stuffing them.
Tool #3: Cooperate Without Compromising Your N.U.T.s
Men get angry and resentful when they agree to something that compromises who they are, what they stand for. Men who have developed their N.U.T.s-non-negotiable, unalterable terms, have no problem cooperating as long as they’re not asked to compromise what’s important, their non-negotiable, unalterable terms. Men who have not developed their N.U.T.s are likely to not cooperate at all because they live in constant fear of being compromised-they feel they must defend themselves. But when a man use this Tool, he can show up as the man he wants to be in his relationships at home, at work and in his community.
Tool #4: Run The Sex And Romance Departments
You had lots of sex at the beginning of your relationship because you romanced her and made her feel special. Now you want to have a vital sex life but you’re too lazy for the romance? As most married men know, that won’t work. It’s your job to run the sex and romance departments. And when you do a good job, you’ll both get what you want. Fear of rejection is probably the most popular reason why men shy aware from this duty. But once you learn the Tools and have a clear vision of the relationship you want to have, you’ll be surprised how much power you have to re-ignite the passion in your woman and in your relationship.
Tool #5: Be The Rock
One of the most important things your woman needs from you is to know that, no matter how she feels, no matter how angry, scared, sad, uncomfortable or frustrated she is, no matter how she acts or what words come out of her mouth, you will still be there when she’s done. She wants to be able to be who she is and know she doesn’t have to be responsible-in those challenging times-for the way her behavior may affect you. If she has that freedom, and you don’t run away, get defensive, try to fix her or her problem, or make it about you and argue, you will be much more the man she needs. You’ll be the rock!
Tool #6: Don’t Argue
Abandon your need to be right. Don’t argue with her. Have you realized that when it comes to arguing with your woman, when you lose, you lose, and when you win, you really lose? There is nothing to be gained from arguing that will, in any way, benefit you individually or as a couple. But you continue to do it. It may even feel, sometimes, as if it’s out of your control. It’s not. When you stop arguing, you’ll see a remarkable change in ALL of you relationships. When a man owns his N.U.T.s, there’s simply no reason to argue about anything with anyone.
Tool #7: Listen
Your woman needs to have someone who will listen to her, care about her, offer her a shoulder to cry on, be there to complain to and laugh with, and to support her. You’re it! Developing this skill-and learning why it’s a challenge for you-will transform your relationships! And when you improve your ability to listen to her, you’ll find listening to be an asset in ALL of you relationships.
Tool #8: Develop Trusting Relationships With Men
Women are terrific. But they can’t-and aren’t supposed to-satisfy our every need. That’s why we need men in our lives. And not just buddies to drink, watch sports or B.S. with. You need trusting relationships with men who will go the distance with you, challenge you when you’re in pain but denying it, who will hold you accountable to your commitments to be a better husband and father, men who will risk their relationships with you in order to be honest, so you’ll do the same for them. These relationships, this support, will help you make amazing changes in your life and in your relationships.
Got your attention? Good. The art of manliness includes a man’s ability to be strong and confident in his relationships and his life. Now, get your copy of “Hold On to Your N.U.T.s” and start developing the skills and support you need to be the man you’ve always want to be!
Wayne M. Levine, M.A., mentors men to be better men, husbands and fathers. Email your questions to MantoMan@BetterMen.org. See how you can become a better man at www.BetterMen.org.
©2009 BetterMen®
Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Giveaway
We’re giving away three copies of Wayne’s book, Hold On to Your N.U.T.s to three Art of Manliness readers. Want a chance to win? All you need to do is leave a comment sharing your best piece of advice on developing stronger, more mature relationships.
Contest ends Saturday, March 28, 2009 at 11PM CST.
As usual, I’ll randomly pick three people from the entries.
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Be honest. Above all, if honesty isn’t present, nothing else matters.
I wise man once told me if you’re called on the carpet by your superiors, don’t protest, don’t try to justify yourself, just take it, live with it and go on.
As for relationships: The best relationship advice I can give is that as good as sex is, it doesn’t last, and you can’t base a relationship on it. A good relationship is based on mutual respect, honesty, appreciation, kindness, humor, and good old-fashioned commitment–that’s what love is.
I would say to not let the small balls build up into avalanches – if there’s some sort of conflict or disagreement, don’t just let it slide. Talk about it earlier so that both parties know and can work it out. Too many times I’ve let the small things slide and let it just build up and that’s not so great for relationships.
Great article!
I agree with #6 to a point. However if you never argue, that can be a problem too. My wife has told me more than once that she wishes I would fight back and disagree with her when we fight.
I guess I would qualify #6 to say Dont’ Argue From A Point Of Pride. Don’t fight to win, but don’t avoid standing up for your beliefs. Even if they disagree, that kind of strength can be a huge turn on to your woman.
Every now and then I look at my wife until she notices I’m looking at her. When she asks what I’m doing, I lean toward her slightly while maintaining eye contact, but I don’t say anything. When she gets ready to speak (usually to ask if I’m ok), I interrupt her by saying “I love you” and then give her a kiss.
Also, any time we disagree on something I always remember what my platoon sergeant at my first duty station told me to think about whenever I face any kind of conflict: “is this hill worth dying on?” Meaning, is the subject something you are willing to fight tooth-and-nail over, give no quarter, take no prisoners and, if necessary, die for? If not, then state your case for or against and then get on with your life. You will be a lot happier.
I doubt I’m the only one with a wife who is extremely hard on herself. It’s something that took some time to really understand about her, but I eventually learned just how sensitive she is to criticism. When she does something she thinks is wrong or others tell her is wrong, she is not the type to find someone else to blame. She always blames herself and it seems to really affect her confidence. Because of this, I feel compelled to refrain from impulsive arguments or angry accusations pointed at her. I usually want my opinion to be heard and I admit that sometimes I want her to feel a degree of guilt when I’ve felt wronged. However, when I realize that she will feel more than just a degree of guilt and that she will be even more critical than I intended to be, it makes me realize how trivial many of my impulsive arguments really are. If the issue persists into the future, and I feel I absolutely must talk about it, I put considerable time into how I will express my concerns with her. I also make an extra effort to express my love for her. Our “arguments” have become loving discussions about needs and expectations instead of criticism and blame.
Very simple: if you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!
There are different types of things you can back out on:
1. Easy things that don’t have a big effect: If you say you’re going to do them and you don’t, it doesn’t hurt much. But if you do this often enough, your credibility will be shot.
2. Easy things that have a big effect: If you say you’ll do them and you don’t, you will immediately lose all credibility and no one will rely on you for anything. You are a fool for skipping on this low-hanging fruit.
3. Hard things to do that have a big effect: Not only will your word be credible by doing them, you will reap huge rewards for the effects of the work, both at work and at home.
4. Hard things to do that have little real effect: While these would be the easiest to walk away from, by doing these things, you gain TONS of character. Do not walk away from these, as doing them demonstrates real honesty, diligence, and character.
#4 is exactly what “Art of Maniliness” is about. It’s hard to mind your manners, dress decently, keep in good shape, save money, and so forth, particularly when so much tempts you to do otherwise. If you don’t do them, well, you will still live, but if you do them, your life will improve immensely.
I would love this book.
For me I work hard to try to treat everyone the same – give them the same respect, same time, same appreciation regardless of their perceived ‘level.’ You never truly know who you may be speaking to. But beyond that, we have all been created in the image of God and that alone demands you respect the person.
The “Golden Rule” – do unto others what you would have done unto you.
It isn’t always easy. I am trying to teach my kids this when they are fighting (which seems constantly!).
Accountability
Integrity
Humility
I believe complete honesty is one of the most important things to have in any relationship, whether it be with a girlfriend, wife, father, mother, sister or brother. It’s a day-by-day battle and requires keeping yourself in check constantly, but the results are well worth the effort.
In my experience, nobody ever changes based on someone else’s opinion. You only change yourself when you truly decide within yourself that you want to. Sometimes this comes from the opinions of others, but ultimately, it has to be something that you agree with.
That said, the best way to improve yourself and your relationship is to (1) identify exactly who you are, (2) identify who you want to be, and (3) become the person in (2), one step at a time. 99% of the time, this is who she wants you to be anyway, and you’ll both be happier as a result.
Reminds me of the axiom I live by:
“In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will.” – Winston Churchill
My experience is that the only person that you can ultimately control is yourself. However, a common trap that we all fall into is trying to control the thoughts and behaviors of others. When we stop trying to control the people around us and instead begin focusing on your own actions, reactions, and behaviors we can change relationships for the better. Whatever it might be, we have the power to change the worlds around us. If someone is not respecting us, we cannot keep hoping they will change, but we can change the way that we behave towards them. By giving the very people that disrespect us respect and treating them like we would like to be treated, we have already made a world of difference.
Act, don’t react. Own your outcomes. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
You might be right, but you won’t find out until you stop trying to prove it.
Talk less, listen more.
Learn from your father. Whether he was a good father, bad father, was there or absent. He was someone who you have an intrinsic connection to (whether you like it or not). If you don’t confront any issues you will be doomed to repeat them.
Easier said than done. But try to see the other point of view during an argument or discussion. It makes you that much more aware of the perspective from which they think they are right. ALSO, the “nod and bob.” it’s a slight head bob up and down while making little sounds of agreement. You don’t have to be listening in order to appear as though you are! Greatest relationship advice passed from one generation to another!
Theres not much to add, I just want a free book
Clean more than you think you need to. Dishes, laundry, vacum, etc. Most guys, including myself, tend to clean when it becomes necessary to them and see it as illogical to do it otherwise. For some reason women need things clean. In the long run keeping things at reasonable level of cleanliness doesn’t take me anymore time, gives me a better living environment, and avoids huge amounts of conflict. Win win.
Communication. It’s better to get in trouble for over communicating, then to little. I have learned this the hard way…
Don’t freak out when she’s emotional. Listen, wait, and just be there.
My wife is very emotional. I used to feel like if she was crying or venting anger, I needed to jump in immediately with advice, tissues, redirections, etc., etc. I finally figured out that my behavior was serving my need (my need to stop an expression of emotion I wasn’t comfortable with). What she needed was to know she could be safe with me to express her emotions without judgment. Now I just try to sit with her, let her express, and THEN ask her what she needs. Much better.
Wow. This is some seriously compelling content and I want to learn more.
What can I add? It infuriates my wife sometimes when I ask her to back off from something I’m doing or accuse her of attempting to micromanage. But I do it – I think it makes her feel more secure in my abilities and command of a situation and earns her respect.
Developing stronger, more mature relationships requires a few ingredients but if I had to pick one, I’d pick…loyalty. Not blind loyalty that makes you overlook your friends’ faults, or vice versa. It’s a loyalty that lets the other person make mistakes, take chances, and yet cries ‘Danger!’ when it’s necessary. Relationship-building loyalty says, “I’ll be your friend through thick ‘n thin. I care more about you than the look, the results, the whatever.” Relationships can’t grow if we don’t let each other grow. This kind of loyalty rocks!
I’d imagine that everyone wants to do this, they just don’t try. But my piece of advice would be to make her feel special at least once every day, and don’t ever let her forget how much you appreciate her.
Well i”ve not had so many b’days as most people here, but this is what i’ve understood about relations and marriages.
Relations fail when,
either of the partners don’t have a life without each other: fights will happen.the person with u is not a copy of you,and so there will be friction every now and then. But if both need to have zero friction to be together, i’m afraid things will go bad.people can be together only if they accept the differences. If they keep adjusting to keep the roughness out, they’re suppressing a part of themselves in solving every fight.so , both of them should have a life of their own;friends, passions,job,whatever.this allows them to be so dependent on each other for their happiness that every fight destroys their life so much that they have to ‘adjust’(i hate that word in a relationship).
So a simple understanding- have fight,accept difference(I love the don’t argue point above), if still feel the same for the person, then you can have a strong mature relationship.
A great article. A couple of guys picked up on Tool No. 1 – Silence the Little Boy. Fundamentally I agree with the point, but the tone of “Silence” and “Quit stomping” connote a judgement that the little boy has done something wrong and should be brought into line. When you are a little boy your only reality is what is actually happening to you at that time, and it is largely external i.e. how your father, grandfather, teacher, friends and others treat you. Your personality and character is still being formed by these inputs. It is only later in life that the realisation comes of what wasn’t done, or what was done that was harmful. At that point you can either act like a “needy little boy going around stomping his feet”, or you can accept responsibility and try to see the true motives behind what happened, and as understanding and hopefully compassion arise, choose to forgive those that harmed you by ommission or commision. This frees you to move on and enables you to “silence” the little boy by “Making peace with the Little Boy” or “Befriending the Little Boy” or “Understanding the Little Boy”. These I believe would be more positive expressions of this tool. A movie that really illustrates this point is “The Kid” starring Bruce Willis. In the movie he meets his younger self and is able to journey with him through those very things that happened to him that helped form his character. He was able to now understand that it was his father’s fear of losing his wife to cancer that cause him to lash out at the boy, not anything intrinsically wrong about the boy or his actions. I highly recommend this movie to help men with this process.
Blown away by the article and the comments and glad I stumbled onto this website.
I really like tool #2, espress but don’t defend your feelings. Being defensive is such an easy thing to do that this tool like the others really is a change in mindset and involves work.
My best advice for stranger more mature relationships would be to be honest. So many men are afraid to really tell others how they feel. Or they try to be one person with their wife and another person work and still another person with their guy friends.
It’s just really important to be genuine and authentic in all our relationships and not be afraid to actually talk about our feelings.
My 2 cents.
Romance (not sex) goes from an instinct (single, early marriage) to a discipline (later marriage). Most men don’t make the jump from the instinct of romance to the discipline of romance. This is where the rubber meets the road and real men show themselves true to the vows they made – and consistency in this discipline will in the end provide the context for mutual romance and a wonderful, growing, vibrant sex life to the end.
Three words:
Communication, Communication, Communication!
I think the best way to solidify relationships is by listening. Really listening. No distractions. Eye contact. Focusing on the message being sent – not just thinking about getting your 2 cents in – like Kyle mentioned earlier.
I’ve noticed my kids are very tuned in to how well I’m listening. If I’m distracted or just want to advise them based on what I think they’re saying, they sense it and back off.
On the other hand, if I concentrate on what they’re trying to tell me – their words, tone, context, and body language – they are more likely to be open and honest. They sense my presence and warm up to it and we connect way better than if I’m only half listening.
These 8 rules/tools sound really good. Here is something that I like to think is a good way of thinking. “It’s never the wrong time to say the right thing”
Everyone woman deserves the right to be their own person. Do your best to let her grow and experience life in the direction she chooses; sure it could make you worry or judge, make sure they don’t interfere with her being able to make decisions for herself, if she loves you she’s always thinking about how you fit into her life decisions.
I’m going to go ahead and buy this book. if i get a free one out of this, I know someone who needs a copy.
Concerning the friendships you make with other men – Pick those friends carefully. It took me over twenty years to accept the truth of my father’s advice, “You are who you associate with.”
If you associate with those that are driven, disciplined, and possess good character, you will be more likely to conduct yourself the same way.
Always, always, always be honest!
One of the best things I have ever learned from one of the great men in my life is that a solid and mature relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. Regardless of whom the relationship with(male,female, father,mother, friend, relative, girlfriend) or what kind of relationship it is(business, pleasure, beer-drinking), those two tenets are what build truly strong relationships.
One thing that’s made a huge difference in my marriage is realizing that whatever it is that I’m looking for my spouse to do for me, he’s probably looking for the same thing from me. My best example is “free time”. Both of us work, and we have a 2 year old son (which is why I started reading this site!). I was constantly feeling overwhelmed and wanted some time to get away from all of the responsibilities. It dawned on me that my husband probably felt the same way. Now we each take one evening a week for ourselves, and there’s no resentment or guilt over it.
Hello, I’m fifteen years old and I think the information on this website is really cool, but also necessary.
My piece of advice would be to express honesty in everything you do. Express affection when you feel affection not because you think you need to. Be honest with yourself about your feeling towards your woman: no obsessing. Be honest when something bothers you. Over all be honest with the reasons for why you do what you do when you do it.
A man showing up every day knows that one say will be his day; and a man can only have his day by showing up everyday. Show up.
Be the man you ought to be.
this site is grosss!!!! GIANT PENIS!
PPPOOOPY vigina is a fun thing to touch… hahahhahahah cum in my mouth until i shit blood out my earlobe hahahhahah death… .ahhaha h
Kur keni bërë një gabim, të marrë fajin! Dhe nuk përfshijnë një “por” në apologjinë deklaratë. Kjo është vetëm një mënyrë tjetër për të zhvendosur fajin apo duke u përpjekur për të zvogëluar fajësi.
Hug your kids, show them they truly matter. Be affectionate with them, praise them, give them wings…..
That whole thing about “Being the Rock” is dead on. I’d say somewhere around 90-95 of relationships require a dominant male personality. Best I can tell, it has something to do with genetics, and forget a bunch of women’s lib. That’s not to say that women do not have their place and time where they call the shots, either. It’s just stating that the man tends (and needs) to be, for many reasons, Head of the Household.
When you develop your goals, and what how you want to accomplish them, you’ll be surprised how your wife/girlfriend will accomodate what you are trying to achieve, as long as it’s reasonable and workable, and at the same time, you’re fulfilling the role as leader of the family.
Be the Rock.
There is a saying about walking a mile in his/her shoes. To understand where someone else is coming from is important. Some things are hard to understand, especially when others don’t want to explain. So as a rule: have respect. Respect will help you walk that mile, gain understanding, and be a person that others respect.
There are two more points I would add to Tool #6 about not arguing. I think it is always important to Agree to Disagree. Differences of opinion keep the spice in a relationship! While you don’t have to argue, you don’t have to agree, either, right?
Also there is a three-word phrase to nip arguments in the bud that is helpful to remember: “Don’t Say It!”
One aspect I see in each of these points to some extent, is the idea of commitment. Nothing holds a relationship together; whether it be romantic, parental, plutonic, sibling or just man to man friendship, other than being committed. I wince at the term committed relationship. I don’t think there is really any other kind.
Hug your kids, show them they truly matter
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