Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Wayne M Levine, M.A., Director of BetterMen.org and The West Coast Men’s Center
If you’re tired of coming up short as a man, father, husband or leader, these eight BetterMen Tools will help you to change your relationships and your life.
The fixes may not happen overnight. Embrace these tools and get the support you need to bring them to your relationships. With commitment, hard work and the courage to change, you’ll be amazed at the man you’ve become.
So here are the eight BetterMen Tools in a nutshell. Can you see the art to your better manliness in these descriptions?
Tool #1: Silence The Little Boy
Most of us have a little boy in us. He’s the one who didn’t get the love, attention, guidance, mothering, fathering or discipline he should have gotten – or thinks he should have gotten – when he was a boy. He’s also the real, wounded little boy who was abused and who never received the help he needed to heal and to grow up to be a healthy man. As a result, males in our society grow up without having a clear understanding of themselves as men, and they continue to act like needy little boys. Quit stomping your feet through life and in your relationships. To have a successful long-term relationship and to feel like a successful man, you’ve got to silence the little boy.
Tool #2: Express But Don’t Defend Your Feelings
Rather than discussing your feelings, you simply need to communicate them. When you learn to express your feelings without defending them, you’ll be giving your woman what she needs, strengthening your relationship, and feeling much more like the best man you can be. And when you express without defending with everyone else in your life, you’ll become a man others can count on and respect. Expressing your feelings also helps you avoid the anger, stress, resentment, depression, and a host of other unhealthy emotional and physical outcomes that come with stuffing them.
Tool #3: Cooperate Without Compromising Your N.U.T.s
Men get angry and resentful when they agree to something that compromises who they are, what they stand for. Men who have developed their N.U.T.s-non-negotiable, unalterable terms, have no problem cooperating as long as they’re not asked to compromise what’s important, their non-negotiable, unalterable terms. Men who have not developed their N.U.T.s are likely to not cooperate at all because they live in constant fear of being compromised-they feel they must defend themselves. But when a man use this Tool, he can show up as the man he wants to be in his relationships at home, at work and in his community.
Tool #4: Run The Sex And Romance Departments
You had lots of sex at the beginning of your relationship because you romanced her and made her feel special. Now you want to have a vital sex life but you’re too lazy for the romance? As most married men know, that won’t work. It’s your job to run the sex and romance departments. And when you do a good job, you’ll both get what you want. Fear of rejection is probably the most popular reason why men shy aware from this duty. But once you learn the Tools and have a clear vision of the relationship you want to have, you’ll be surprised how much power you have to re-ignite the passion in your woman and in your relationship.
Tool #5: Be The Rock
One of the most important things your woman needs from you is to know that, no matter how she feels, no matter how angry, scared, sad, uncomfortable or frustrated she is, no matter how she acts or what words come out of her mouth, you will still be there when she’s done. She wants to be able to be who she is and know she doesn’t have to be responsible-in those challenging times-for the way her behavior may affect you. If she has that freedom, and you don’t run away, get defensive, try to fix her or her problem, or make it about you and argue, you will be much more the man she needs. You’ll be the rock!
Tool #6: Don’t Argue
Abandon your need to be right. Don’t argue with her. Have you realized that when it comes to arguing with your woman, when you lose, you lose, and when you win, you really lose? There is nothing to be gained from arguing that will, in any way, benefit you individually or as a couple. But you continue to do it. It may even feel, sometimes, as if it’s out of your control. It’s not. When you stop arguing, you’ll see a remarkable change in ALL of you relationships. When a man owns his N.U.T.s, there’s simply no reason to argue about anything with anyone.
Tool #7: Listen
Your woman needs to have someone who will listen to her, care about her, offer her a shoulder to cry on, be there to complain to and laugh with, and to support her. You’re it! Developing this skill-and learning why it’s a challenge for you-will transform your relationships! And when you improve your ability to listen to her, you’ll find listening to be an asset in ALL of you relationships.
Tool #8: Develop Trusting Relationships With Men
Women are terrific. But they can’t-and aren’t supposed to-satisfy our every need. That’s why we need men in our lives. And not just buddies to drink, watch sports or B.S. with. You need trusting relationships with men who will go the distance with you, challenge you when you’re in pain but denying it, who will hold you accountable to your commitments to be a better husband and father, men who will risk their relationships with you in order to be honest, so you’ll do the same for them. These relationships, this support, will help you make amazing changes in your life and in your relationships.
Got your attention? Good. The art of manliness includes a man’s ability to be strong and confident in his relationships and his life. Now, get your copy of “Hold On to Your N.U.T.s” and start developing the skills and support you need to be the man you’ve always want to be!
Wayne M. Levine, M.A., mentors men to be better men, husbands and fathers. Email your questions to MantoMan@BetterMen.org. See how you can become a better man at www.BetterMen.org.
©2009 BetterMen®
Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Giveaway
We’re giving away three copies of Wayne’s book, Hold On to Your N.U.T.s to three Art of Manliness readers. Want a chance to win? All you need to do is leave a comment sharing your best piece of advice on developing stronger, more mature relationships.
Contest ends Saturday, March 28, 2009 at 11PM CST.
As usual, I’ll randomly pick three people from the entries.
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{ 204 comments… read them below or add one }
I have this book, it’s great!
From my experience:
Never blame anyone else.
This means that you recognize that if you were in someone else’s shoes, YOU’D DO EXACTLY THE SAME THING.
Once you recognize that, you stop blaming people, and you start to understand their actions. This makes it so they can’t resent you, they have nothing to resent you for, and you can RELATE to them which is the foundation of a RELATIONSHIP.
I don’t know if I have the best advice, but complacency is a relationship killer. Work to avoid it.
Find out what the other person’s N.U.T.s are, even if they themselves don’t yet know.
I think every person has got N.U.T.s, even women (I once dated a girl with big ones). But sometimes a person will go about their lives not realizing what they are, and how they can affect the decisions that person makes. By helping someone discover what they are, you help them to better deal with all their relationships, including (especially) the one they have with you.
In my personal experience I found greater success in both romantic relationships and friendships by keeping as true to my word as possible. It may be old fashioned “a man is only as good as his word” and such but I noticed a big difference when I manned up to sticking by my word. This is more than not conciousley lying to people, if you tell a friend you will look into a job oppertunity for them, do it immidatley and call them back with the info, not two weeks later. Told the girlfriend you’d pick her up at seven o clock? Then seven it is period, not seven fifteen not seven thirty. It can be really hard, and I am by no means perfect, but it makes life easier for everyone.
Discriminate in whom you develop relationships with. You can’t and shouldn’t be everyone’s buddy. Pick the people who mean the most to you and focus on them.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned in relationships deals with communication (big surprise there, right?): it can be really easy to be thinking ahead and formulating your next statement while the other person is talking. STOP IT. I am the worst about this, and I have to consciously make myself totally focus on what the other person is saying, listening to them instead of simply hearing their voice.
The best thing I learned about being a man is confidence in who I am. It’s essentially the same as N.U.T.s. If you’re confident in who you are men and women will respect you.
I used to be the wimpy, shrinking violet type. That’s not what a man is. Once I found my confidence everything else started to fall into place.
Armed with that I have been able to comfortably act in all sorts of situations that I would not normally be at home in like haute parties.
The key is to not confuse it with being cocky or pompous – Just simple quite, strong confidence.
I come from a patriarchial family background and I live with my partner and her two lovely girls.
Over the past six years of my relationship, I’ve learnt to leave the ego outside the front door as I walk in after work.
I am still learning not to react , but to respond.
I’m also learning to say I’m Sorry when I’m wrong
It pretty much comes down to a few very simple statements:
1) Take responsibility for your actions.
2) Listen to the opinions of other people.
3) Everyone is different, and you have to learn that that’s not bad.
For me, the biggest thing was getting the nuts to really open up and let myself be vulnerable to her. It was definitely something that was out of my comfort zone after having really only been in all guys circles be it on sports teams, in a fraternity, or majoring in a subject that had few girls.
I have to partially disagree with Tim. You should ficus on the people who mean the most, but do not go to the point that everyone else does not deserve respect. If one does not treat everyone with respect, that person needs to read further into this site.
For my advice I will stick with the relationship with a spouse. Find a sport or hobby you can participate in regularly with your wife or significant other and do it often. For my wife and I it is fencing. If you can both enjoy yourself and one is not doing it just to humor the other, it can draw you closer. Use tool #7 to find her true interests.
My piece of advice:
Say precisely what you mean, every time. No more games, no more beating around the bush or innuendos or any of that sort. If people, including your girl, know that what you said is what you meant, there’s little or less chance of a mix up.
Silence is golden sometimes; don’t argue endlessly because most of the time you end up saying something you regret and that sucks
About a year ago a young Ukrainian girl with a broken accent, barely able to speak English, cut my hair and had this to say to me.
“We have a choice to stay stuck in one place, doing nothing and being depressed as a result of that stagnation. Or, we can decide to do something good. Good for ourselves, good for everyone. That’s what happiness is, and where it lies.â€
Pretty wise insights for a poor girl from the Ukraine wouldn’t you say.
So, to quote William Shakespeare, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.â€
We start with ourselves by taking ownership, being one hundred percent responsible and build from there.
This is one I’ve learned recently: you have to stop trying to make her happy, stop trying to make the relationship work.
Do what makes you happy, do what you want to do, and only good things will follow. If what you want to do is love her, take care of her, etc… then your relationship just follows right along.
You can’t MAKE her happy… but you can be happy, and hope that she likes what she’s getting.
It starts with you and ends with you. How your outer reality manifests is dependent upon your inner world; your thoughts, actions, beliefs. External issues are meaningless as the only thing you have absolute control over is yourself.
“Be like water, if a rock stands in your way, flow around it”
- Bruce Lee
Doubt your doubts; believe your beliefs.
Do right…it builds your credibility
Care… it shows that you love
Believe in people… you encourage others
Set goals… it gives you direction
Apply what you learn.. you’ll grow much more
Rely on God… it shows humility and gives your true power
Remain steadfast… it deepens your commitment
Make decisions… it strengthens your confidence
The thing about what I see this book being is just a reminder for things we already know. I doubt any man things communication is a bad thing, or listening is bad, or that arguing is really the best route (this one is debatable.)
In my mind, a better reminder is first establishing open communication so that when something does arise, as the article says, feelings are able to be communicated. The thing that men REALLY need to realize is that they need to be a little more introspective when they are criticized. If the honey is mad at me, it is probably something I did! Like you were told when you were a child in a time out, men need to have a sit down with themselves to realize this is probably partially, if not mostly my fault, and then try to be analytical about it without justifying it.
What women want is for their man to listen,, really listen, no critisim or solution, they just want to rant or talk.. LISTEN intensely.
Never give up.
That’s all there is to it. No matter how hard things get, how rough the road is, how bleak the outlook, as long as you never let that break your spirit, and you make sure your eye is on the prize at hand, then there isn’t anything you can’t do. Just make sure you never give up.
The thing that has helped me the most is to learn to recognize when someone is getting defensive (including yourself). Because if you or the person you’re talking to gets defensive, nothing productive will take place.
It’s really important for me to lay down the bases right.
Whenever I go into a relationship, I’m 100% that my partner is worth it. That’s why I don’t shy away from telling her, in a tactful manner, that I want to be as sincere with her as possible, and that I expect the same from her.
I think it’s important to follow my words and immediately start to broaden the scope of emotions I speak to her about. Doing that and being the rock at the same time is not as tricky as it may sound.
The thing that helps me most in my relationship with my wife is doing my best to see things from her perspective. Sometimes, on the surface, her actions/reactions can seem plain crazy to me. But if I try and put myself in her place it makes a huge difference.
Whilst my father was not exactly the perfect example to follow – one thing that always stuck in my head was his fearlessness of possible failure. Being it starting a long demanding house project or as it happened – starting a new life when the old one wasn’t cutting it, he never doubted his eventual ’success’. While it was always a thin line between manliness and plain stubborness – my father’s capacity to go for the long haul without fear is obviously a neccesary manly trait which affecting my growing into a man myself.
When it comes to doing the little things around the house, like changing a lightbulb, putting the new trash bag in the can, or knocking down the cobweb in the corner, ask yourself ,”If I don’t do it, who will?” She will notice and you will benefit, trust me!
Five 3 word sentences worth their weight in gold.
You were right.
I was wrong.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Make love making about HER, make the effort to make sure its a thrilling experience for her, seduction etc. The sweet part is if your focus is pleasing her then her focus will be pleasing you.
One of the most important things to do in a relationship is to communicate.
Communication in a relation is the canary in a coal mine… If the canary’s dead, in other words if you stopped communicating with your partner, you’ll be darned sure your relationship with your partner is going downhill and broke.
If you want to have a good gauge of your relationship, this is it.
Gently lead your wife. Women want to be led, although few really know they do.
Never play the blame game-it kills relationships and breaks confidence.The other person can never feel safe if they’re constantly blamed and criticized.If a person can’t feel safe,they’ll shut down in all aspects of the relationship.
Don’t get caught up with her emotions and especially anger, just keep your cool and try to listen. When she eventually cools down, she’ll respect you a whole lot more if you braved the storm like a man.
Man, do I NEED this book!
Everyone’s already put some great comments, I don’t know what to add. Arguing is the worst thing for a relationship! If we can just learn to swallow our pride and control our tongue, even when we know we are right, is one of the most important(and the hardest) things to do!
Just as we weren’t called to live this life alone, and thus with a wife, neither was we called to live only with a wife. Cannot echo what Tool #8 says. Get a small group of guys around you that you trust that you can share with. Doesn’t need to be fefe stuff, but men that you can open up with, that you can bond with.
“Integrity first, Service before self, Excelence in all we do.”
these are my adopted core values, and at the heart of them is the strength to develop a good set of N.U.T.s and more. There is no greater sense of manliness than the belief that one is doing the right thing and putting the necessary effort and energy into a thing, thus search yourselves and develop your own N.UT.s.
Keep it simple.
1.Trust
2. Mutual Respect
3. Honesty
Believe it or N.U.T maturity in relationships is a long way from anger self expression is important but a man with rock hard N.U.TS will know times when silence is most expressive and believe me when you are most in urge to speak it is then more GOLDEN……Cheers (to all art of manliness subscribers may our N.U.TS BECOME GOLDEN)
Put down the porn.
Period.
You can’t have a healthy relationship with your wife or girlfriend – let alone relate properly to your mother, sisters, daughters, friends’ wives and girlfriends, female co-workers and other acquaintances – if you are constantly flooding your mind with fictitious images that objectify and reduce them to the level of toys for your own selfish gratification.
Install an internet filter and partner with another Real Man for mutual support in this. It’ll be tough and temptation lurks at every turn, but your sex life with your wife will take a healthy and lusty turn that will surprise you in a very pleasant way!
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version – UK)
If you can’t remember how the argument started, you need to end it.
Gotta keep some time to be AWAY from each other regularly, like guys nights out, etc. If she can’t handle this then talk to her about it and explain. If she still can’t handle it, then there’s a problem.
wow, these are all great comments so far. very impressive guys. nathaniel, like you, i am in serious need of this book. one bit of advice that i might offer is to always be impeccable with your word. that goes for all types of relationships new and old. i’ve gotten into trouble with past girlfriends by refusing to speak what’s really on my mind. vague language can get you only so far and the end result is that someone usually gets hurt. i’m looking forward to working the n.u.t.s. philosophy into my daily life. thanks everyone for the great tips
wow, very impressive guys. nathaniel, like you, i am in serious need of this book. one bit of advice that i might offer is to always be impeccable with your word. that goes for all types of relationships new and old. i’ve gotten into trouble with past girlfriends by refusing to speak what’s really on my mind. vague language can get you only so far and the end result is that someone usually gets hurt. i’m looking forward to working the n.u.t.s. philosophy into my daily life. thanks everyone for the great tips
The biggest thing is to first get into a relationship. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you can’t be a man and start one (that means asking the lady out, instead of just hooking up and hanging out).
When in a relationship, don’t try and fix her problems. When she has a problem and comes to you, she really just wants you to listen and be sympathetic. When she knows you can do that, her problems will have a tendancy to evaporate.
To stay in the relationship, above all you must communicate. Make it a point to talk every day. Doing this can keep little things from becoming big problems.
Clarification to communication: yelling is not communication. Arguments will crop up occaisonally, no matter how good your comunication is. The first one to raise their voice loses the argument.
My wife and I have two daughters, and everyday I try to emulate the kind of man that I want them to marry. I do a better job on some days than others, but that’s my goal. I want to show my daughters the kind of man that they need to look for.
Great advice. One I’d add is don’t expect her to change the way you want. If you’re not happy with anything about her, don’t think you can change it. Accept her for what she is. My wife’s a materials engineer and we were joking around one day when I asked her why, if (I was being difficult about something) I’m so hard to live with did she marry me?
Her response: “I thought your were malleable, turns out you’re elastomeric.”
We had a good laugh and moved on.
Al
The choice of silencing the little boy as number #1 is key for many of us. Having him cower in the corner of our consciousness for decades is so useless but coaxing him out to play and learn ain’t easy..
After 15 Years of marriage the best advice is Learn to Listen, women want a man not only to hear them but to listen. Pay attention to the way your partner talks to their friends on the phone when then friend calls for advice or with a problem, you will only hear one side of the conversation. This will give you insght in how to properly response to her when she needs you to be a friend.
It is funny how much I have changed since meeting and consequently marrying my wife. She has truly changed me for the better, but it has not been without pain and consternation on both parts. My two cents is as follows:
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!
There were many times when we would argue because I would not stop defending my point even though I knew I was wrong. This serves no purpose in a relationship except to cause strife. So, above all else, to thine own self be true.
I have learned not to try to fix every problem, but to just listen and be supportive. Usually when my wife is upset about something and vents to me about it, she is only looking for support. I will try to fix every little thing (that, of course I cannot) and this just usually makes things worse.
Be strong and honest, but don’t ever let the desire to be strong overwhelm the need to say you’re sorry.
Best piece(s) of advice —
* Equanimity
* and Intensity
Funny. I just bought this book. I’m currently reading another book (No More Mr. Nice Guy) but the couple of chapters I read were excellent. It also seems like a quick read which is what the author intended.
Listen to her without trying to fix anything, tell her she’s beautiful, occasionally do the housework, stay in shape, be honest, make sure your bedroom skills are up to par and laugh with her as much as you can.
I’ve found that the best way to keep my relationship with my wife solid, is to talk to her every day about what is going on in our lives. Not just “hey how did your day go?”, but asking what is really going on inside her, with her emotions, etc. And then being honest with her about where I am, what I am struggling with, etc.
When we can lean on each other, we are stronger than ever.
I believe #5 Be the Rock is very important especially for women who come from unstable backgrounds or have never had consistency in their lives. For their man to be that for them is very encouraging and protecting for women.
Be sincere. Most people know that any healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust, and one of the best way to build trust with people is being sincere. If you are sincere, people will pick up on that, especially since sincerity seems to be in such short supply nowadays. Your relationships, romantic and otherwise will be much stronger as a result.
You really have to have a good sense of yourself before you even get into a relationship. You need not be perfect, but as much major baggage as possible should be cleared away, freeing you to be the man you need to be for her.
I think that being dependable has been very important to my relationship. Just keeping my commitments to my wife has gone a long way, even if the commitment is just to remember to bring home milk.
I’ve found that being a man in a relationship means not feeling sorry for yourself and not making excuses, but taking responsibility and playing the hand that you’re dealt.
Drop the EGO everyone seems to have the need to push their EGO up. All you need to do is understand nobody’s opinion matters but your own, and there goes the EGO.
When you make a mistake, take the blame! And don’t include a “but” statement in the apology. That is just another way of shifting the blame or trying to reduce culpability.
Someone touched on this above but we need to -study- our wives. We need to know their needs, what they are good at, what drives them and their passions, just as much as their N.U.T.s
Don’t compromise personal happiness to keep a relationship going.
Learn from your mistakes and be a part of the solution.
One of the most important things I’ve learned about authentic manhood is the essential requirement of both service and sacrifice. A man cannot stand alone-his life and the lives of those whom he loves will be far richer with the cultivation of genuine, loving relationships (this includes his relationship with his wife, his children, his other family, and his neighbors and community). These hallmarks of manhood, service and sacrifice, permit meaningful relationships, increase self-respect, and magnify a man’s ability to see his circumstances for what they are. As for community, I encourage everyone to serve (up to and including military service on behalf of their country). Ultimately, in all of our relationships, we should remember these words, “E pluribus unum.” One out of many. We are never important, individually, as the whole. If we refuse to serve and sacrifice on behalf of the greater good, we weaken ourselves and leave our relationships with little substantial foundation.
I’m a regular AOM reader and I think that more emphasis should be put on tips and tools to improve a man’s relationship with his girlfriend/wife/family. I think the most imporant tool to a successul relationship is trust. Parallel to tool #5 “Be the Rock” a woman should be able to trust you with more than your word. She should trust you with her life, he emotions, and her soul. I’ve found that putting aside childish behavior (tool #1) and turning into the man our fathers were shows that you will be there for her no matter what. You take the vow in church “…good times and bad, sickness and health…”, so the greatest gift you can give her is the gift of boundless stability. She should alwyas be able to count on you.
I think the next best piece of advice I have is to always be romantic. It’s not a secret that woman are all hopeless romantics, but they want men to initiate it. Bring home flowers for no reason, cook a candle lit dinner, take a moonlit walk, etc. If we’re comfotable knowing that we love her and only her then we should show it everyday. You never want to look back and say to yourself “I wish I had done more.” Act now. She’ll love you forever.
I like to think of love as a one way street, where I only concern myself with giving love not worrying about receiving it. That can mean giving physical affection, sweet words, encouragement, listening, and many other things, without thinking about wanting those things in return. It is very freeing and allows me to love other people at a much more intense level. Not only that, but when you do get something in return (and you will) it means so much more to you because you didn’t expect or need it in return. It also allows you to live in the moment because you aren’t thinking about what you will get, or what you didn’t get in the past; all you are thinking about is how much you are enjoying this present moment with this person that you love. It can change everything.
Don’t assume your wife knows what you want.
To make a relationship work also requires making sure you get into a relationship with someone who is good for you and cares about you. So many times I’ve seen my friends get into relationships where the girl is a slug, who just takes everything a guy will give her but gives nothing back.
So my advice is to make sure the giving and taking in a relationship is reciprocal. Because if she doesn’t add anything to your life besides sex and somebody to hang out with, then she’s not worth it.
Don’t date a slug!
Fight the temptation to blame all your problems on her. I’m still working on this. My mind wants to rationalize blaming my fiancee for things that I think are wrong with my life. In fact, exactly the opposite is true: she has given my life direction and meaning.
Alway be in control. Not controlling. Do not fly off the handle. No matter what the situation, remain calm, deal with the issue, and your woman will appreciate your composure. Too many guys (not men) flip out at the first sign of trouble. If things don’t go as planned, change the plan.
#1!!!
Your wife is not your mother. She should not have to tell you when to get up, go to work, clean the garage, change the oil… You are the man, you do what needs done.
Yes, a good wife will be there for you if you hit a low point, we all get there. But you shouldn’t have to be dragged through life all the time. Get up, get moving, and get it done. Then your wife will be proud of you.
#2!!!
Be proud of your wife. Express your appreciation for her qualities, not just her size/shape/color/looks. Qualities last, looks can fade. You don’t have to be sappy, women don’t like a guy who’s to sappy, but you can have feelings. When you praise your wife for what you find good in her, it will enhance her beauty and your relationship will be closer.
1. always remind your partner it is just an opinion and you are not trying to argue, just offering alternatives ( being the devils advocate)
2. If your girlfriend exercises on a regular basis like mine and she ask you ” should I go swim or finish this work ?” Always have her swim ( exercise) . It shows that her personal time outside of work is valuable to you also.
3. 10 minutes of making chicken stir fry makes up for a bad week. Women, like men, like to be cared for. Dinner and washing the dishes goes a long way.
The most important thing I’ve learned over the years with my lady is that communication is the key to everlasting happiness. We used to both be very scared to talk to each other about almost anything. As a result we fought a lot. It’s amazing how communicating in a healthy manner can change everything.
Listening is important, but I know I often miss the point.
More often then not, the person you are listening to does not want your advice, at least not until they feel heard and are ready to receive it/ask for it. I am good at listening, but am very quick to give them the solution to their problems.
They often already know what needs to be done they just want to know that someone cares about the emotions they are going through.
Love unconditionally. If your woman has to measure up somehow, she probably never will. But when you love her regardless of anything she does or doesn’t do–love her for who she is–she will eventually respond with the trust and pride that makes you invincible!
It’s not the size of the nuts but how and why you use them. A fairly simple statement only complicated by real life. Thanks to AOM, we are not alone.
The best relationship advice I have is to make sure that you both have lives outside of your family. Both of you should have nights out seperate from each other and the kids. It makes the times together that much better.
K
Excellent advise. Especially #1.
These are some pretty good guidelines to base your relationship around. Honestly folks if you are doing it right, your woman should become one of your best friends. There is no way around this one.
Interesting book though, I’d love to check it out.
I appreciate this blog more and more everyday. A unique perspective from MEN not boys who are ruining our women and our society. If this blog were compulsory then just maybe there might be a few more kids out there with dads and women with good men. Not the little boys that are currently roaming the world.
Challenge your relationships. Do things together that require cooperation and compromise. Like you challenge your muscles at the gym to make them stronger, you can challenge your relationships in other parts of life to make them stronger as well.
Best advice I can give is drop the ego.
Early in our relationship, my wife and I would argue over the littlest details. Even nine years later, there may be some little thing that we do that irritates the other person. However, I have learned to pick my battles carefully. You are more likely to gain the other person’s respect if you have a clear reason for your opinion and that would lead to not having to argue about it in the future. Perhaps I’m just repeating what the definition of N.U.T.s is, but it has kept us from constantly fighting.
“Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!
Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose—
don’t ever quit taking delight in her body.
Never take her love for granted!
Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore?
for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger? ”
This non-negotiable, unalterable term has helped me over 16 year with my wife. These are great words from King Solomon. He was considered one of the wisest ( not to mention wealthiest and most powerful) kings of his time.
1) be honest – with yourself and with others. Lying only complicates things and ruins trust
2) it’s okay to feel hurt by something. When it happens (and it will), admit that it hurt, and talk about it!
In all human relationships personal responsibility is crucial. Stephen Covey in the 7 habits of highly effective people breaks down the word responsible into response-able. True responsibility; he argues means recognizing our ability to choose our behaviors regardless of our circumstances. We often can’t choose what happens to us; how others behave, but we can always choose how we respond. The responsible man says “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, I CAN choose otherwise”.
The biggest killer of all relationships is lack of responsibility. Even if it seems like the other individual is to blame in a particular situation there is almost always something a proactive individual could have done or could do in the future to avert an argument, fight or other relationship disaster. For example an irresponsible man would simply justify infidelity by claiming “She doesn’t give me the love I need anymore”, he paints himself as the hapless victim of venomous fate, a refugee in the arms of another from his cold unloving partner.
The responsible man on the other hand recognizes the lack of intimacy in the relationship. He values the relationship and realizes that the real problem is a lack of closeness or intimacy within the relationship. Rather than weak ego-centric thinking he considers his role as a man. He makes the choice to invest himself in the relationship, maybe he organizes a date night, maybe he makes lots of little investments like helping around the house.
What a responsible man would do really depends on the situation but the paradigm is the same. He sees a problem and recognizes his ability to choose his response. He asks himself how am I responsible for the situation and what can I do to improve things. He considers what is important and then acts from a place of wisdom and maturity.
“The wise man will be the master of his mind. A fool will be its slave.”
– Publilius Syrus
There are a few comments on here which I disagree with. There seems to be this nostalgia for the way men used to be. Now I’m not saying that the character traits we point to and admire in our fathers and grandfathers weren’t good but these men were often brutally intolerant, closed minded, misogynistic among many other things I wouldn’t want to include in true masculinity. I think we have to think critically about what it means to be a man. I think that makes us more men than blindly accepting tradition and culture. “Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul” – Mark Twain.
I think the quest for true manliness is so crucial because there is so little of it in the world. Let’s not wax rhapsodic about the way things used to be, if lessons can be garnered from the past we should be wise not to discard them, but lets think about what we consider true masculinity and why. As we figure out how to live let’s be like a good carpenter and do it right the first time. Measure twice cut once.
Good luck gentlemen
Dave
I am not sure if I totally agree with not arguing. Problems and resentments build up from not hashing things out. Resentments are the most toxic element in a relationship. As long as you learn to fight fair and recognize when you are wrong and argument can be healthy.
Being a rock and listening are two biggies! If she can be who she wants and feels like that is being heard, you will always have her support and love. I was in a relationship that lasted eight years until I learned that she didn’t feel listened to and I couldn’t quiet my inner little boy. Things fell apart at that point.
This article was good and the comments are just as good! The only thing I want to add, although many of you said already, is communication is the key to all relationships. From your wife,kids,siblings,parents,friends and even casual acquaintances. Be honest and upfront and they may be mad at you for pointing out something that hurts them, but they will eventually see that your intentions were honorable. We men of today need to have integrity in everthing that we put our selves into, from relationships to business. Integrity is not flashy, it does not win elections, it does not make headlines, it is not an easy path to follow, but it is right and in the end it will produce more men of integrity because you have blazed a path to follow. Men (and women) love following men that are true leaders.
I blame society for all my failures.
(Did I get your attention?)
Great advice in this simple list of reminders on what ways a man can better behave and relate to others particularly his wife. My siblings and parents (and I) have learned to play the victim far too often. My wife’s family does not do the victim thing at all. Its great to read something which casts that aside and lays down the basic definition of manhood.
Thanks for the article.
I had an epiphany in a few years back when my best friend was going through a terrible divorce. I was in my early 20’s, him in his early 30’s. I had always looked up to him because of this unshakable calm and confidence. Him and I were talking one night and I told him how much I admired that about him and how hard I tried to strive towards that. He told that despite that image he spent every day conscious of feelings of past failures and insecurities, even in the best of times, but he was determined never to let them get to him. He knew he wasn’t unique, he knew everyone was the same, and coped with the same feelings. His way of dealing with the feelings were to accepted them, and accept that everyone was the same. By doing this he never let his problems subversively influence others, which allowed him to form deeper relationships with people, which in turn gave him confidence.
In response to silencing the little boy,
I think that this is very true, deep down we all have a wounded child that leaks neediness and other hurt into our lives. However I do believe that silence is a word that must be used carefully. To many the idea of silencing someone is to tell them to shut up, or be quiet, or suppress expression.
I find it quite true that if you learn to work with this little child inside of us all, we open up a territory for expression and healing rather than suppression. It could be art, music, movement, martial arts, but i think expression of this is very important.
I’m not saying to just blurt out, or just share your pain with everyone, but if a space is created, then there is a space to learn more about that child. If silence is indeed a key, i would use meditative silence.
I certainly agree that when it comes to relationships, both need to watch their neediness and acted out hurt, but I feel that a level of expression about the neediness and hurt coming up, can facilitate an understanding between two people. That way when the neediness arises, or the hurt arises, there is more understanding. It cannot always be silenced, and if it is in there, it will come up. Take that chance to learn from it.
Just one more,
I’ve found in my own experience, a relationship without argument is a short term means for understanding and closeness, but in the long term breeds quite a discontent and mistrust.
Couples that don’t’ argue are out of balance, for there cannot be light without dark, peace without war, and love without conflict. When I finally stopped trying to keep everything nice and just have it out with my last girlfriend, we got a lot closer.
Sure, you may disagree, and one person may end up ‘losing’ but I find it helpful to not see arguing as loss or gain. it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about expression. If you are strong enough to show your partner that you really feel strongly about somethings, that breeds a very deep inner trust.
Believe me, I am not endorsing violence, but if it is recommended that you listen and let your woman emote and just accept where she is at, and what is giong through her head, with two grounded feet on the floor, then she needs to do the same for you.
I think a little arguing is healthy. Maintain a balance, and the love will flow.
I think it’s so important to stand your ground when someone wants to argue with you and be the better man. If someone wants to argue, don’t take it personally. They’re probably just having a bad day or something. Just let the person spill their feelings and frustrations all over the room and then try to help them if possible. Apart from time, it also saves you sleepless nights and grudges. Most arguments just aren’t worth participating in.
Thanks for sharing this with us by the way
Cheers
One of the easiest ways to have a healthy relationship is to not start with a sick one. Guys, lets be honest, if you’ve been seeing a gal for one month and she’s already whining and nagging you to death, crying like a baby to get her way, talking down to your family, demanding you work longer or get a second job to make her the queen of the trailer park… what do you think she’ll be like after ten years of marriage. Get real!!! Send her packin’ and try again because all the tricks in the world will not help your situation. Instead look for someone who already has healthy relationships and you’ll have a much richer and more fulfilled relationship with her as well. Secondly, I agree with establishing your n.u.t.s early because if you don’t she’ll have them in her back pocket and try to run you for all your worth.
I’ll agree with Mitchel on his advice. If you can identify people that you aren’t compatible with early on a relationship, then you’ll save yourself (and your partner) months or years of a bad relationship and excess baggage later on.
Honestly, the best advice I could give is to grow up in a house full of women. Keep a bunch of women around long enough and you start to see the subtle things that make them tick. I am by no means perfect around the ladies but because I’ve spent time around women in a casual setting I understand them so much better.
More practically, I guess it means observe+accept them. Chicks aren’t dudes — they’re chicks. Some are cooler, some are cattier, some vain, some not. Get to a point in your life where they aren’t a mystery.
As I have recently returned to college after serving my country, I have found that an interpersonal communications class can be helpful in understanding yourself and to better communicate with the woman in your life. Honesty, is also a key factor for any stable relationship.
My wife is trying to beat it into my head that romance starts in the morning. If I want to really turn her on at night, I’ve got to get up with the kids in the morning…or something to that effect.
Or to quote Jeff Foxworthy, “Men are like bottle rockets in sex…women are like diesel engines, it takes a bit of work to get them warmed up.”
I can relate with most of these points. Things to remember; honesty and trust. but every relationship is different
Do your best to be the breadwinner. This is vital to fully playing the part of being the rock. A majority of women need to depend on someone. It’s part of showing how reliable and steady you will be. If you care enough to work your life away for her, then you’ll care enough to stay around “no matter how she feels, no matter how angry, scared, sad, uncomfortable or frustrated she is, no matter how she acts or what words come out of her mouth, you will still be there when she’s done.”
I’ve been married for almost 2 years now (on the 31st of March) and my wife and I hardly ever fight. We have talked about why and I have to say what we came up with has been a life altering rule even for those in my extended family.
ALWAYS assume the other person meant the best in what they said.
Never ever assume that your spouse was trying to say something snippy or was angry with you. That can only lead to arguments. I know that my wife loves me so why should I think that she’s trying to talk down to me? Why should I feel on the defensive? This is something we both do and has kept us out of arguments and lets us have our conflict within the confines of a civil discussion out of love. Also, instead of dragging on for hours our “conflicts” only last 5 minutes at most. If you can learn to assume that they meant the best by what they said, then you can almost get rid of conflict itself.
AM personally workig on these myself to improve my relationships
Always do what you say you will do ( if not, at least notify the individual asap)
Dont be too unsure of yourself and actions, make a decision promptly and stick to it
comprimise!
How to develop stronger more mature relationships…
A humble, yet firm desire to engage in a face-to-face life of another through intentional efforts of considering them more important than yourself, having a keen ear of listening to and drawing out what is hidden inside of them and a genuine love not based upon conditions or expectations…but simply a pure love for them as a fellow human.
The only advice I can give:
Never say you are sorry for doing something, sorry is correctly used when in reference to an uncontrollable event or situation. If you were really sorry you wouldn’t have done it in the first place. In such a situation you should apoligize for any problem that you caused. And yes the difference in the words are important, give it a try next time something goes down and pay attention to everyone’s reaction.
I like the first tool. SILENCE THE LITTLE BOY
We are often complaining about what we didn’t have and who hurt us and caused us to be a certain way in life. But when we treat that kid inside like we SHOULD also treat our sons and tell him that no matter what we may encounter, there’s a lesson learned and we can grow from any situation into a better man. No complaining, no crying, and no quitting.
My father taught me to never make a promise (or give your word) if you have no intention or can not do it. I prefer to say to others ‘I will do what I can” or ‘I will do my best” when I feel I can’t or may have trouble keeping the promise. I have found that people respect you more when you make a promise and follow through, but they will also respect you when you can’t make the promise but still do what you can to make it happen.
If it is possible, wake up, and go to bed, at the same time as your partner allways!
And ask for the same in return.
It helps you to have the same routines, you share more time and you will be tired and clear headed a the same times.
Do this even in the weekends and on days where she has no work and you got to get up at 6 am.
Its easier to share your life with someone you also share your time with.
Exercise.
When you exercise, your body will balance out to its natural chemical balance. Many men in today’s society abuse substances, people, experiences, etc. to try and balance out this equation; it’s pretty obvious when looking at the increasing obesity and Alzheimer’s rates in this country. Not only will exercising balance your own body, it will balance your relationships when you return your neurotransmitters back to normal levels.
Establishing mutual respect is often the most difficult aspect of a long-lasting relationship. In my experience, at 23, my generation (that’s right men & women), seem inordinately preoccupied with materialism. Find a woman that likes the sound of your voice, walks in the park, and the homemade valentine you made her. Real relationships are based in respect, love, and commitment. “The most important things in life, aren’t things.”
never forget the power of the word “thanks”.
It’s always appropriate when someone helps you (“thanks, I appreciate the help carrying this sofa into my house”).
But, it’s also very effective when you’re just trying to get someone to stop forcing his ideas on you:
Friend/coworker: You really need to do it this way. It’s the best way to do it.
You: “thanks, I appreciate the advice”.
ignore the temptation to say, “I think this way is better”. You’re both right. Park your ego, and know when to walk away.
Marital advise from my father just before my wedding, “Just remember that her money is her money, and that the your money is her money.”
Two pieces of advice for holding onto your N.U.T.S. in relationships.
1. Integrity – be a man that walks the walk, your life should match what you say. If you “preach” honesty and fidelity with your words live it with your life.
2. Be intentional about your relationships – you choose who influences you, your grandma was right when she told you “bad company corrupts good morals.” Choose to be influenced by the right right people.
My advice: Never speak poorly of your gf/wife’s mother or grandmother, they are both saints, atleast while your significant other is around.
I read the Art of Manliness nearly everyday and I try to involve what it tells me in my everyday life. I try to take what others have written and make myself a better man. Things that comes to mind when I think of relationships and being manly are some manly qualities and precepts. For example I do believe that men do need man friends to be honest and help them through certain issues because we as men shouldn’t put our problems on the ones we love. We shouldn’t go around complaining about our problems to them. That’s what we are here for; to hear the issues if the people we love. And when we hear their problems we should set their and listen not through in our own stories and problems; just sit,listen, and comfort.
Another manly quality, that although maybe hard, is honesty. In my relationship I often find it easier to tell the “partial truth” or keep the truth to myself to not arise a conflict. In the long run though it will make everything worse because not only does your partner find out about what you were hiding form her, but she also is angrier because you lied.
The most important thing to remember in your relationships is that women are beautiful creations and they deserve the utmost respect and attention from us. Although at times it may be tough we always need to be their for them in good times and bad providing a sense of tranquility and security.
Whenever I am feeling insecure I ask myself, “What would my confident friends do?”
One word – humility. Remember that everyone is special and has something unique to contribute that you might need to tap into some day, but YOU are not so special that you can’t be replaced.
It took me getting the axe at work to really learn this one.
Ask your wife when she feels most loved by you. Is it when you serve her without asking? Is it when you wake up 15 minutes early just to talk? Is it the back rubs that you give?
Many times we give love the way we want to be loved, and can’t understand when our wives don’t feel loved. We are all different and need to give love the way they want to receive love.
Advice… People are either for vision or opposed to it. Anyone else is asking to get run over.
My advice is to be as straightforward as possible. Use as few words as necessary to convey your message. In doing so, people will notice the leader inside of you. Your ability to communicate without hiding behind excuses and unnecessary dialogue, makes you a stronger and more confident man.
Always think with your B.A.L.L.S.
Trust what they’re telling you to do. Frankly, they’re what make us men. Men have kind of been castrated almost by society or whatever you want to call it. But if you think with your balls it will work and you’ll be a better man.
The bigest thing that I’ve found in my relationships have been Trust and Communication. It’s almost as if they have a direct corralation. If you have a solid basis for trust then Communication can lighten up, not go away, but be spread out. Trust dies if there is a vaccum of communication.
Relationships with women can become extremely difficult if a man says the wrong thing. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind,but make sure that you give it to her lightly, women can take things very personally. Especially if it regards their appearance. SO speak your mind, mean what you say, but be careful with your language, both spoken and body language.
You were born male for a reason. Embrace it and everything that comes with it one-hundred percent. In every relationship, and in every situation, BE A MAN…. and remember: you represent us all.
The most valuable thing a guy can learn, in my opinion, is to say what you mean. Don’t say what you think you “should” say just because you think it’ll help you out, in the long run you’re just better off saying what you really mean the first time or not saying anything.
Also true in many business relationships, by the way!
Make sure your N.U.T.s are worth holding. Some N.U.T.s look good, but are empty, some N.U.T.s sound full, but had grubs inside them or they are rotten or rancid. If someone takes a swipe at your N.U.T.s and your N.U.T.s are unsound, you are in for a whole world of pain that isn’t worth having. Make sure your N.U.T.s are sound; only hold on to the N.U.T.s that are worth suffering for.
I’m blown away by the quality and the quantity of these comments! Wayne Levine is a smart, solid guy with a great reputation for helping men be their best. His book is excellent and I highly recommend it to any man who wants to improve his relationship.
Here’s my piece of advice to share with you:
Take Full Responsibility for the Quality of your Marriage or Relationship
After 14 years of marriage I’ve come to the conclusion that you have to keep growing as a person – this means academically, physically, etc. If it’s something that provides you with renewed drive and vigor, it will be interesting to the other person in your relationship. If it’s not…time to move on!
The best advice my father gave me is “Bad news does not get better with age. Man up, be honest and face your failures head on”. Thanks Dad.
Being true to your principles and finding a woman who does the same will do wonders with building a bond that can’t be broken. We need more principled people in these troubled times. And we need a lot more principled men to help foster them.
This past year, I got out of a 4 year relationship that was foolishly centered around trying to make her happy. I was miserable. What I learned out of the situation is that some compromise is good, but you should never bend or compromise on what exactly it is that you want from life. If you do, then things are doomed. As a man, you do need to be the rock, and the reliable one, but a man does not bend on his principles and goals, and if the relationship wants that of you, then it aint for you.
it’s ok to take time to figure out what your thoughts or feelings are for any given situation. nothing will explode if you tell your partner, ‘i need xyz amount of time to think about this before we continue talking about it’
Something that I have tried to live by in my marriage relationship is four simple words … a mantra, if you may …
Shut up and Serve.
I try to remind myself of that every day … Shut Up (in the context of arguing and needing to be right) and Serve (look for opportunities to serve, and do it with a smile). It’s amazing – the result – when I do that.
My 2 cents.
Big piece of advise I’ve seen alot of need for latley around my workplace, and even with some of the more casual ‘buddies’, man up and take responsibility if you are really responsible for a mistake. When I’ve seen this applied, in almost every case, whoever was confronting accepts that you are aware of your mistake or problem, and hence, can work to avoid it in the future. I have seen so many minor confrontations over a work issue explode because it becomes a shifting the blame game.
Be honest. Be straight-forward. Be true to yourself and others. Believe in yourself, you family, and your friends.
Here’s what I can think of right now off the top of my head:
1: Listen more than you speak. When responding, think about it first. It’s OK to take some time. People will wait.
2: Take responsibility for what you’ve done and learn from your actions.
3: Always work on yourself and do what you love. That will help you develop priorities and rules for yourself. It can also help to build your confidence.
My sons are in their 40s now. When the older of the two was seven, he and I were headed for Indian Guides camp. The younger, 5 years-old, wanted to go. I promised him that I’d be in Indian Guides with him and we’d go to camp when the time came.
When the time came, I was in a crisis at work with shedules that would send me out of town that weekend.
At an all-hands meeting I told everyone what I had promised my son. I told them I would keep that promise “tho the heavens fall.” No one spoke for a while.
In the event, the schedule slipped so no crisis arose. My son and I went to camp. He won the fishing contest. Over the years, a dozen men and couple of women who were in the meeting or heard of it have admired my stance.
Regards,
Bill Drissel
“Own” your own problems, even any relationship problems.
be honest.
Love is not a feeling, it’s an action… So, LOVE unconditionally!
Also,
1. Keep a good perspective on life and your relationship.
2. Take ownership of your responsibilties.
3. Stay disciplined.
Best advice I have:
Learn to balance the ability to lead with the ability to be led. Be prepared for both in all situations.
Never leave anything unsaid or assume things are understood. It’s better to be explicit than implicit when it comes to communication.
William Borden said it best in his Bible…
No reserves. No retreats. No regrets.
Don’t hold back, don’t back down, don’t wish to go back.
If you’re feeling something, feel it. If you want to tell her something, tell her. The most powerful sentence in this language very truly may be, “I love you.”
If you believe in something, believe it. Don’t back down on your beliefs because someone doesn’t believe them. Listen to their side, but use it to strengthen yours.
When all is said and done, be proud of what you’ve done. Always do things that you are proud to say you’ve done. Don’t wish you could go back and redo them.
Of the eight listed, #5 is imperative for the long haul.
After 25 years, this one I’ve got figured out. She wants someone she can depend on, lean on. Show confidence in yourself, and confidence in your ability to take care of her. It’s worth every ounce of energy you invest in it.
What a fantastic list of advice! Why do I even need to buy the book? This is surely everything I need
.
(I’ll probably buy the book anyway)
I don’t quite agree with no. 1. Sure, being the ‘little boy’ is not going to get you anywhere, but you can’t just push it to the side and ignore it. You need to face and understand your insecurities and needs that developed from your childhood before you can genuinely change. Otherwise you can pretend to be as confident and self-sufficient as you like, but you’ll probably keep harboring some resentment deep inside – not healthy.
Just respect and listen to each other. When it comes to relationship decisions, always compromise or sacrifice, never play to win.
Also it is ok to do things separately once and a while (guy/girls night out)
It’s been said many times that communication is vital; I just want to add that part of communication is understanding the language that the other person is using. I cannot recall how many time I thought I had told my wife how I felt/what I wanted etc. only to find out she had no real idea about what I actually meant.
the best advice i can give is one my parents told me a lot growing up. when you get upset with someone, kill them….with kindness. it is not my job to get even, it is my job to be kind, and that usually ends up making all the difference. they also told me it is very hard to stay mad at someone you are praying for.
The best thing I can think of that I have personally done to improve my relationships is…
I stay peaceful & open to everyone’s idea’s & feeling’s. I listen to everything someone has to say before I offer my advice. I always offer it & never make people feel like they have to hear here it if that is not what they want. I have found by doing this I keep myself in check & everyone finds me very strong & supportive. It is also reminds me that I shouldn’t get emotional over things I can avoid. Once emotion gets involved then rationality tends to fly out the window.
Have integrity in your words, knowing I don’t always to be right; overlook trivial matters.
Be honest. Above all, if honesty isn’t present, nothing else matters.
I wise man once told me if you’re called on the carpet by your superiors, don’t protest, don’t try to justify yourself, just take it, live with it and go on.
As for relationships: The best relationship advice I can give is that as good as sex is, it doesn’t last, and you can’t base a relationship on it. A good relationship is based on mutual respect, honesty, appreciation, kindness, humor, and good old-fashioned commitment–that’s what love is.
I would say to not let the small balls build up into avalanches – if there’s some sort of conflict or disagreement, don’t just let it slide. Talk about it earlier so that both parties know and can work it out. Too many times I’ve let the small things slide and let it just build up and that’s not so great for relationships.
Great article!
I agree with #6 to a point. However if you never argue, that can be a problem too. My wife has told me more than once that she wishes I would fight back and disagree with her when we fight.
I guess I would qualify #6 to say Dont’ Argue From A Point Of Pride. Don’t fight to win, but don’t avoid standing up for your beliefs. Even if they disagree, that kind of strength can be a huge turn on to your woman.
Every now and then I look at my wife until she notices I’m looking at her. When she asks what I’m doing, I lean toward her slightly while maintaining eye contact, but I don’t say anything. When she gets ready to speak (usually to ask if I’m ok), I interrupt her by saying “I love you” and then give her a kiss.
Also, any time we disagree on something I always remember what my platoon sergeant at my first duty station told me to think about whenever I face any kind of conflict: “is this hill worth dying on?” Meaning, is the subject something you are willing to fight tooth-and-nail over, give no quarter, take no prisoners and, if necessary, die for? If not, then state your case for or against and then get on with your life. You will be a lot happier.
I doubt I’m the only one with a wife who is extremely hard on herself. It’s something that took some time to really understand about her, but I eventually learned just how sensitive she is to criticism. When she does something she thinks is wrong or others tell her is wrong, she is not the type to find someone else to blame. She always blames herself and it seems to really affect her confidence. Because of this, I feel compelled to refrain from impulsive arguments or angry accusations pointed at her. I usually want my opinion to be heard and I admit that sometimes I want her to feel a degree of guilt when I’ve felt wronged. However, when I realize that she will feel more than just a degree of guilt and that she will be even more critical than I intended to be, it makes me realize how trivial many of my impulsive arguments really are. If the issue persists into the future, and I feel I absolutely must talk about it, I put considerable time into how I will express my concerns with her. I also make an extra effort to express my love for her. Our “arguments” have become loving discussions about needs and expectations instead of criticism and blame.
Very simple: if you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!
There are different types of things you can back out on:
1. Easy things that don’t have a big effect: If you say you’re going to do them and you don’t, it doesn’t hurt much. But if you do this often enough, your credibility will be shot.
2. Easy things that have a big effect: If you say you’ll do them and you don’t, you will immediately lose all credibility and no one will rely on you for anything. You are a fool for skipping on this low-hanging fruit.
3. Hard things to do that have a big effect: Not only will your word be credible by doing them, you will reap huge rewards for the effects of the work, both at work and at home.
4. Hard things to do that have little real effect: While these would be the easiest to walk away from, by doing these things, you gain TONS of character. Do not walk away from these, as doing them demonstrates real honesty, diligence, and character.
#4 is exactly what “Art of Maniliness” is about. It’s hard to mind your manners, dress decently, keep in good shape, save money, and so forth, particularly when so much tempts you to do otherwise. If you don’t do them, well, you will still live, but if you do them, your life will improve immensely.
I would love this book.
For me I work hard to try to treat everyone the same – give them the same respect, same time, same appreciation regardless of their perceived ‘level.’ You never truly know who you may be speaking to. But beyond that, we have all been created in the image of God and that alone demands you respect the person.
The “Golden Rule” – do unto others what you would have done unto you.
It isn’t always easy. I am trying to teach my kids this when they are fighting (which seems constantly!).
Accountability
Integrity
Humility
I believe complete honesty is one of the most important things to have in any relationship, whether it be with a girlfriend, wife, father, mother, sister or brother. It’s a day-by-day battle and requires keeping yourself in check constantly, but the results are well worth the effort.
In my experience, nobody ever changes based on someone else’s opinion. You only change yourself when you truly decide within yourself that you want to. Sometimes this comes from the opinions of others, but ultimately, it has to be something that you agree with.
That said, the best way to improve yourself and your relationship is to (1) identify exactly who you are, (2) identify who you want to be, and (3) become the person in (2), one step at a time. 99% of the time, this is who she wants you to be anyway, and you’ll both be happier as a result.
Reminds me of the axiom I live by:
“In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will.” – Winston Churchill
My experience is that the only person that you can ultimately control is yourself. However, a common trap that we all fall into is trying to control the thoughts and behaviors of others. When we stop trying to control the people around us and instead begin focusing on your own actions, reactions, and behaviors we can change relationships for the better. Whatever it might be, we have the power to change the worlds around us. If someone is not respecting us, we cannot keep hoping they will change, but we can change the way that we behave towards them. By giving the very people that disrespect us respect and treating them like we would like to be treated, we have already made a world of difference.
Act, don’t react. Own your outcomes. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
You might be right, but you won’t find out until you stop trying to prove it.
Talk less, listen more.
Learn from your father. Whether he was a good father, bad father, was there or absent. He was someone who you have an intrinsic connection to (whether you like it or not). If you don’t confront any issues you will be doomed to repeat them.
Easier said than done. But try to see the other point of view during an argument or discussion. It makes you that much more aware of the perspective from which they think they are right. ALSO, the “nod and bob.” it’s a slight head bob up and down while making little sounds of agreement. You don’t have to be listening in order to appear as though you are! Greatest relationship advice passed from one generation to another!
Theres not much to add, I just want a free book
Clean more than you think you need to. Dishes, laundry, vacum, etc. Most guys, including myself, tend to clean when it becomes necessary to them and see it as illogical to do it otherwise. For some reason women need things clean. In the long run keeping things at reasonable level of cleanliness doesn’t take me anymore time, gives me a better living environment, and avoids huge amounts of conflict. Win win.
Communication. It’s better to get in trouble for over communicating, then to little. I have learned this the hard way…
Don’t freak out when she’s emotional. Listen, wait, and just be there.
My wife is very emotional. I used to feel like if she was crying or venting anger, I needed to jump in immediately with advice, tissues, redirections, etc., etc. I finally figured out that my behavior was serving my need (my need to stop an expression of emotion I wasn’t comfortable with). What she needed was to know she could be safe with me to express her emotions without judgment. Now I just try to sit with her, let her express, and THEN ask her what she needs. Much better.
Wow. This is some seriously compelling content and I want to learn more.
What can I add? It infuriates my wife sometimes when I ask her to back off from something I’m doing or accuse her of attempting to micromanage. But I do it – I think it makes her feel more secure in my abilities and command of a situation and earns her respect.
Developing stronger, more mature relationships requires a few ingredients but if I had to pick one, I’d pick…loyalty. Not blind loyalty that makes you overlook your friends’ faults, or vice versa. It’s a loyalty that lets the other person make mistakes, take chances, and yet cries ‘Danger!’ when it’s necessary. Relationship-building loyalty says, “I’ll be your friend through thick ‘n thin. I care more about you than the look, the results, the whatever.” Relationships can’t grow if we don’t let each other grow. This kind of loyalty rocks!
I’d imagine that everyone wants to do this, they just don’t try. But my piece of advice would be to make her feel special at least once every day, and don’t ever let her forget how much you appreciate her.
Well i”ve not had so many b’days as most people here, but this is what i’ve understood about relations and marriages.
Relations fail when,
either of the partners don’t have a life without each other: fights will happen.the person with u is not a copy of you,and so there will be friction every now and then. But if both need to have zero friction to be together, i’m afraid things will go bad.people can be together only if they accept the differences. If they keep adjusting to keep the roughness out, they’re suppressing a part of themselves in solving every fight.so , both of them should have a life of their own;friends, passions,job,whatever.this allows them to be so dependent on each other for their happiness that every fight destroys their life so much that they have to ‘adjust’(i hate that word in a relationship).
So a simple understanding- have fight,accept difference(I love the don’t argue point above), if still feel the same for the person, then you can have a strong mature relationship.
A great article. A couple of guys picked up on Tool No. 1 – Silence the Little Boy. Fundamentally I agree with the point, but the tone of “Silence” and “Quit stomping” connote a judgement that the little boy has done something wrong and should be brought into line. When you are a little boy your only reality is what is actually happening to you at that time, and it is largely external i.e. how your father, grandfather, teacher, friends and others treat you. Your personality and character is still being formed by these inputs. It is only later in life that the realisation comes of what wasn’t done, or what was done that was harmful. At that point you can either act like a “needy little boy going around stomping his feet”, or you can accept responsibility and try to see the true motives behind what happened, and as understanding and hopefully compassion arise, choose to forgive those that harmed you by ommission or commision. This frees you to move on and enables you to “silence” the little boy by “Making peace with the Little Boy” or “Befriending the Little Boy” or “Understanding the Little Boy”. These I believe would be more positive expressions of this tool. A movie that really illustrates this point is “The Kid” starring Bruce Willis. In the movie he meets his younger self and is able to journey with him through those very things that happened to him that helped form his character. He was able to now understand that it was his father’s fear of losing his wife to cancer that cause him to lash out at the boy, not anything intrinsically wrong about the boy or his actions. I highly recommend this movie to help men with this process.
Blown away by the article and the comments and glad I stumbled onto this website.
I really like tool #2, espress but don’t defend your feelings. Being defensive is such an easy thing to do that this tool like the others really is a change in mindset and involves work.
My best advice for stranger more mature relationships would be to be honest. So many men are afraid to really tell others how they feel. Or they try to be one person with their wife and another person work and still another person with their guy friends.
It’s just really important to be genuine and authentic in all our relationships and not be afraid to actually talk about our feelings.
My 2 cents.
Romance (not sex) goes from an instinct (single, early marriage) to a discipline (later marriage). Most men don’t make the jump from the instinct of romance to the discipline of romance. This is where the rubber meets the road and real men show themselves true to the vows they made – and consistency in this discipline will in the end provide the context for mutual romance and a wonderful, growing, vibrant sex life to the end.
Three words:
Communication, Communication, Communication!
I think the best way to solidify relationships is by listening. Really listening. No distractions. Eye contact. Focusing on the message being sent – not just thinking about getting your 2 cents in – like Kyle mentioned earlier.
I’ve noticed my kids are very tuned in to how well I’m listening. If I’m distracted or just want to advise them based on what I think they’re saying, they sense it and back off.
On the other hand, if I concentrate on what they’re trying to tell me – their words, tone, context, and body language – they are more likely to be open and honest. They sense my presence and warm up to it and we connect way better than if I’m only half listening.
These 8 rules/tools sound really good. Here is something that I like to think is a good way of thinking. “It’s never the wrong time to say the right thing”
Everyone woman deserves the right to be their own person. Do your best to let her grow and experience life in the direction she chooses; sure it could make you worry or judge, make sure they don’t interfere with her being able to make decisions for herself, if she loves you she’s always thinking about how you fit into her life decisions.
I’m going to go ahead and buy this book. if i get a free one out of this, I know someone who needs a copy.
Concerning the friendships you make with other men – Pick those friends carefully. It took me over twenty years to accept the truth of my father’s advice, “You are who you associate with.”
If you associate with those that are driven, disciplined, and possess good character, you will be more likely to conduct yourself the same way.
Always, always, always be honest!
One of the best things I have ever learned from one of the great men in my life is that a solid and mature relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. Regardless of whom the relationship with(male,female, father,mother, friend, relative, girlfriend) or what kind of relationship it is(business, pleasure, beer-drinking), those two tenets are what build truly strong relationships.
One thing that’s made a huge difference in my marriage is realizing that whatever it is that I’m looking for my spouse to do for me, he’s probably looking for the same thing from me. My best example is “free time”. Both of us work, and we have a 2 year old son (which is why I started reading this site!). I was constantly feeling overwhelmed and wanted some time to get away from all of the responsibilities. It dawned on me that my husband probably felt the same way. Now we each take one evening a week for ourselves, and there’s no resentment or guilt over it.
Hello, I’m fifteen years old and I think the information on this website is really cool, but also necessary.
My piece of advice would be to express honesty in everything you do. Express affection when you feel affection not because you think you need to. Be honest with yourself about your feeling towards your woman: no obsessing. Be honest when something bothers you. Over all be honest with the reasons for why you do what you do when you do it.
A man showing up every day knows that one say will be his day; and a man can only have his day by showing up everyday. Show up.
Be the man you ought to be.
this site is grosss!!!! GIANT PENIS!
PPPOOOPY vigina is a fun thing to touch… hahahhahahah cum in my mouth until i shit blood out my earlobe hahahhahah death… .ahhaha h
Kur keni bërë një gabim, të marrë fajin! Dhe nuk përfshijnë një “por” në apologjinë deklaratë. Kjo është vetëm një mënyrë tjetër për të zhvendosur fajin apo duke u përpjekur për të zvogëluar fajësi.
Hug your kids, show them they truly matter. Be affectionate with them, praise them, give them wings…..
That whole thing about “Being the Rock” is dead on. I’d say somewhere around 90-95 of relationships require a dominant male personality. Best I can tell, it has something to do with genetics, and forget a bunch of women’s lib. That’s not to say that women do not have their place and time where they call the shots, either. It’s just stating that the man tends (and needs) to be, for many reasons, Head of the Household.
When you develop your goals, and what how you want to accomplish them, you’ll be surprised how your wife/girlfriend will accomodate what you are trying to achieve, as long as it’s reasonable and workable, and at the same time, you’re fulfilling the role as leader of the family.
Be the Rock.
There is a saying about walking a mile in his/her shoes. To understand where someone else is coming from is important. Some things are hard to understand, especially when others don’t want to explain. So as a rule: have respect. Respect will help you walk that mile, gain understanding, and be a person that others respect.
There are two more points I would add to Tool #6 about not arguing. I think it is always important to Agree to Disagree. Differences of opinion keep the spice in a relationship! While you don’t have to argue, you don’t have to agree, either, right?
Also there is a three-word phrase to nip arguments in the bud that is helpful to remember: “Don’t Say It!”
One aspect I see in each of these points to some extent, is the idea of commitment. Nothing holds a relationship together; whether it be romantic, parental, plutonic, sibling or just man to man friendship, other than being committed. I wince at the term committed relationship. I don’t think there is really any other kind.
Hug your kids, show them they truly matter
Never let your past failures determine who you are. If you see yourself as a failure…you will be and so will your family. Instead stand up when you feel like laying down. No matter how many times you fall…stand up. Your inner strenghth builds more and more each time.
Be affectionate with them, praise them, give them wings…..
Take the steps to be a better man. Its all about taking advantage of the opportunities to better yourself and make the ones around you feel happy and loved.
When in doubt, do that which is hardest, 99% of the time it is the right thing to do.