Editor’s note: Women today also have an interest in helping men rediscover the lost art of manliness. Thus, today we bring in a guest writer to shed some light on how manliness looks from the female side of the fence. Please give a warm Art of Manliness welcome to Angela Bailey. Angela is a writer, teacher, and a mom. You can read more at her blog www.welovemen.wordpress.com.
It has become a very stressful yet all too predictable scenario for me. A man and I are walking together. We might know each other or he might be a stranger who just got distracted for a moment and didn’t notice the closed door looming menacingly before us. We continue approaching, perhaps a little more slowly now that we both see the writing on the wall, or the door in this case.
I’m never sure what he’s thinking at this point, but I know I have two choices: I can hang back and see what he decides to do or I can speed up and reach for the door before he gets the chance. I’ve gone both ways here. Usually I make the decision at the very last moment using my keen peripheral vision to quickly assess his cultural values, upbringing and emotional state of mind.
With a younger guy, I just go for the door myself (out of pity for both of us). If I think a man is in his sixties or older, I’ll often wait since I’m fairly sure he’ll get the door and gesture for me to go ahead. But when he’s between 30 and 60, it’s a crap shoot. If I pause expecting the door to be opened for me I risk the confusion and awkwardness that awaits if the guy wasn’t planning to offer me that service. Of course by the time I realize this, we’re both already stuck, hands and arms intertwined in a struggle for door supremacy. Eventually one of us lets go and we both stumble through the doorway and scurry off in shame. I’m embarrassed I ever wanted him to hold the door in the first place and I get the feeling he’s sorry he didn’t.
You might wonder why I even bother with any of this. I could certainly avoid these clumsy encounters altogether by simply taking charge and opening my own darn door. After all, I am perfectly capable of handling a simple door-opening by myself. But to be honest, I really kind of like having a man do it. Obviously, it’s not about what I can or can’t do on my own. There’s just something inside me that seems to enjoy and value the service of men. And lately, I’ve been starting to think that “something” might be a woman. If it is, then I’m pretty sure there’s a man lurking inside some of the guys I know too. Just the other day for instance, a male friend of mine—for no reason at all—took my keys right out of my hand and went outside to check on a problem I was having with my car. I didn’t even ask him or anything. So all this makes me wonder, could it be that it’s finally okay for men and women to be….well men and women again?
I was born in the 60s and I can’t remember a time when I felt like my identity as a girl or woman was actually about me. It has always been more about modeling myself after the ideal construct of the strong, liberated modern woman—independent, powerful, assertive (did I mention independent?). Need a man? Are you nuts? Not me. I am woman hear me roar! Etcetera, etcetera.
I certainly would not want to appear anti-feminist in any way. The truth is, I am profoundly grateful for the rights and freedoms I have today. But there’s no doubt that the very necessary social movements required to secure fairness for women created some uncertainty around what it means to be male and female. Feminist activists had to take the spotlight off the things that make us different and focus on our common humanity in order to drive home the point that we all deserve equal treatment. However decades of emphasizing male and female “sameness” have left most of us frustrated and confused about how to reconcile our deeply rooted, biologically-based feelings and desires with our intellectually constructed social values. Lately, the battle of the sexes has become more of an inner conflict matching our sense of who we are against our idea of who we should be.
Certainly, the noble concept of who we should be has served us well over the years. Our culture has always placed a high value on the pursuit of justice and fairness for everyone. The process can be slow, but our collective desire to hold ourselves to a higher and higher standard has been one of the driving forces behind the building of the most fair-minded societies in the world. There is no question we possess considerable will, reason and intelligence. We might even be smart enough to figure out that our intellects have only so much power over our biology.
There is no denying the simple fact that we are all here primarily because our fathers and mothers had sex. Obviously other things had to happen too, but the most critical element in baby-making is surely the act of sex itself. They say evolution is about “survival of the fittest,” but it’s really more accurate to describe it as “survival of the fittest and most prolific.” No matter how strong or smart or beautiful you are, the only way your genes survive and get passed down to future generations is if you reproduce. And that puts our behaviours around reproduction front and centre in the process of natural selection. Bottom line is, we’ve all inherited the well-honed skills, desires, and impulses that facilitated the impressive reproductive success of our countless ancestors over the millennia. Men are designed to behave in ways that will get the sexual attention of women and women are naturally inclined to seek out and admire male characteristics that serve to enhance the survival potential of their offspring.
Like it or not, the instincts governing our interactions with the opposite sex are programmed into the most primal recesses of our DNA. Sure, we can pretend our intellects are completely in charge, but we’ve all seen how well that works out. I doubt relations between men and women have ever been more strained than they are today. Resentment, anger and conflict are prominently featured in so much of male-female interaction these days and the media compounds the problem by reinforcing this dynamic at every turn. Criticizing men has been in vogue now for quite a while, with positive representations of male qualities absent from most of popular culture. Women, who’ve convinced themselves the best route to having it all is doing it all, have unwittingly shut men out of the roles that define them most fundamentally as men. Add to that the unprecedented availability of meaningless sex and pornography and you have a recipe for disaster: men with little sense of self or purpose and scarcely anything to motivate them to excel.
I’m afraid women are no better off. We are relentlessly conditioned to think one way when instinctively we often crave something entirely different. We roll our eyes at macho posturing even though a man’s bold strength and courage make us feel safe. We complain endlessly about the audacity of the male ego, but it’s a man’s confidence that gives us faith in his wherewithal. And while it’s fashionable to sing the praises of a sensitive guy, I believe most of us prefer men who are thick-skinned and resilient (all that stuff about not being afraid to cry…please be a little afraid). With so much of what we’ve been taught to believe conflicting with what we instinctively desire, is it any wonder women are such a jumble of contradictions? Unfortunately, admitting the truth leaves us open to being labelled needy, weak and unenlightened.
When I talk to women about this sad state of affairs, they’re usually quite guarded at first. But as soon as I open up and share my frustration over feeling unable to express my honest feelings and desires, they almost always jump right in and agree whole-heartedly. They want to be women, empowered by their many strengths but still vulnerable enough to need men, to enjoy and appreciate their unique talents and offerings. As for men, they seem even more gung-ho for change. Most guys I meet light-up at the slightest gesture of affection for their battered masculinity. They want to be men for us, if only we’d let them.
I guess the good thing is we’re getting pretty close to some relief. Enough of us seem to want the same thing: the freedom to be ourselves. So where do we go from here? Personally, I think we just need to take it one door at a time. Once we relax and allow ourselves to celebrate and enjoy the pleasures of our differences, the rest should happen naturally. It’s just not that complicated. Even my grade 6 students get it. After only mild encouragement, the young gentlemen in my class are proud to graciously allow their female classmates to enter and exit through a door first. The girls are flattered by the gesture and pleased to offer a sincere smile and “thank you” in return. I’ve even had a number of parents thank me for introducing a little chivalry into the lives of their children.
As for my own predicament, I have decided to go forth bravely into this world full of confusion and closed doors. Maybe next time, I’ll even wait a little bit longer before I reach for that door handle. Hey, why not give the guy a chance to be the man we both want him to be.
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I hold doors for strangers whether they be men or women. It’s just courteous. It’s how I was raised.
I like holding open doors for women, because they are too weak to do it on their own.
am i being sarcastic with that comment? yes. But my point is that the idea that a guy should hold open doors for women is passive sexism. I personally hold doors open for both guys and girls, and it has nothing to do with me ‘being a man’ it has to do with me being a nice person.
BUT
If a girl EXPECTS me to open a door for her simple because she is a girl and i am a boy, well that is simply ridiculous, wrong and sexist.
As far as im concerned who ever gets to the door first should hold it open for the person who is behind them. gender should not matter when it comes to opening a darn door.
Angela, do not wait or hesitate to grab the door yourself. You can do it, you have no need for a man to do it, so do it yourself.
“I hold doors for strangers whether they be men or women. It’s just courteous. It’s how I was raised.”
Ditto. It’s not that I expect other people to do it for me or that I except them to be grateful, it’s just a nice thing to do, and I enjoy doing it. It’s a way of reminding yourself that life isn’t all about you. It makes their life a tiny bit easier and costs me nothing.
Why wouldn’t you?
Can you vote? Then you can open your own Flippin door.
YES! Thank you so much for speaking the only words that have made sense to me in years. I’m just finishing up college so you can imagine my predicament. This is why people love movies that perpetuate the roles of ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’
I need to find more women like you in my town.
I’m ok with opening a door that opens towards me, but what’s a man to do when the door opens the other way? Should he move ahead of the woman and go through the door first, and then hold it open? Should he hold back and allow the woman to open the door and go through first? Should he open the door and push it away from him, allowing the woman to go through?
All these have their problems. Some doors are sprung and very difficult to hold open while another person walks through. Some unsprung doors shoot away from you and crash open.
For me, this purely practical consideration makes it easier just to let the woman open the door herself. Is there an answer?
I hold doors open for ladies, because that is the way I was brought up. It is a nice gesture.
To me, it is not about the fact that the lady is to ‘weak’ or incapable of opening the door, rather it is a mark of respect. It is a way of saying “I appreciate you” and I enjoy being in your company and I value you as a person, so I will honour you by doing this nice thing for you…(holds door open).
Simple!
angela, as a woman, i completely agree with you. (and yes, i am a woman reading this man’s blog)
there’s no doubt in my mind that i am perfectly capable of opening my own doors, paying for my own way, etc etc…. however, living as a semi-feminist for so long, i’ve come to realize that it’s okay to let the guys hold the door and to let me go through first. but i let it happen as natural as can be. if i just happen to be at the door first, i’ll still open it and wave the guy through, but sometimes, the guys will insist i go first. if that’s the case, then i just simply oblige and go first. no need to argue right? and admittedly, it does feel nice to be “taken care of” like that.
What a coincidence… I prefer being allowed to hold doors open.
Though that’s never the problem for me. The problem is that I never know how close behind me a woman has to be in order for me to justify standing there holding a door open. If it turns out she’s walking slower or is further behind than I estimated, I’m left hanging there, and she feels like she needs to hurry. The rule of thumb I’ve been going by is that I let go if I think in the time it would take for me to hold it, the door could close on its own, followed by two or three seconds. But obviously I can only get so precise in my calculations.
I think most of you are missing the point of the article. It’s not really about opening doors, that was just a story to build the real point around. The author is simply conveying the idea that it would be good to start embracing our maleness and femaleness and it’s nice to have some distinctions between the genders. It’s about getting away from a gender-neutral society.
I’m with Jeff……this isn’t about dissecting door opening etiquette, it’s about how we experience gender in today’s society.
Angela, I really really appreciate this essay. It truly put very clearly something I’ve been mulling over lately and couldn’t put into words. I was a tomboy as a child and I’m not a girly girl now. And I consider myself smart and independent. I was raised in that “men and women are exactly alike” idea and always bristled whenever I felt someone was generalizing about how women and men are. I thought I was a feminist. But….lately I have come to accept my woman-ness. I can admit that I want to feel like a man is taking care of me and protecting me. And in turn I can admit that I enjoy being feminine and nurturing for a man. And it’s okay! I can say that men and women are different and I can embrace those differences. And it feels really good. And you know, it’s just like you said, my female friends, who are super liberated women, will admit when they’re honest that they feel the same way.
For Julian,
For a door that opens inward, move forward, push the door open, enter first, check to see all is well and hold the door for the person behind you.
For everyone else.
If there is a chance of you coming to the door before the other person, accelerate, open the door and allow them to enter. Courtesy dictates all, even if the woman “expects” you to get the door for her. Being a man isn’t about asking permission or wonder what the ulterior motives are, its about doing what’s right (or manly) in every situation. Hell, if its a little old lady, run around her to make sure you get the door. Simple stuff, it’s disappointing we need it explained
When I was in school, going with a female friend (not a girlfriend) somewhere, I headed straight for the driver’s-side door in my car. The friend said, “I’m going to do you a favor. You might have a lady love someday, and she’ll think it’s nice if you open the door for her. So you may as well get some practice!”
Thank you, Alicia!
I’m in my 30’s, and my father always told me that, “you open a door for a woman not because they’re a woman, but because you’re a gentleman”. To this day I always open doors for ladies, even my 5yo and 8yo daughters. My 6yo son also opens doors for his grandmother, mother and sisters. Call me old-fashioned.
BTW and FWIW, I showed this article to my wife and she thought it was excellent.
I very much agree with the author as well as with many of the other commenters. As much as woman enjoy being “taken care of” by a guy, we guys enjoy the same from women. Men and women are equal, not alike. If women=men, then we=gay. Our strengths fill your weaknesses and yours fill ours, though sometimes symbolically. Isn’t this the whole point of a relationship?
A good and intelligent article. I liked the part where the author brings up the notion that no matter how much we want to anounce that our itnelects are in charge, for women as well as for men, the hard-coded root based instinct in the DNA have their bass saying: Women need to feel vulnerable and men need to feel protective.
My wife and I are discovering the joys of traditional gender roles through things like dance lessons where I’m the lead in all cases and she relies on me and trusts me to do a good job and make her look and feel good on the dancefloor. She’s enjoying the kitchen more too these days and I try to keep the fixit list short. I grew up in a household with 6 kids and a somewhat dysfunctional parenting environment and with 4 sisters all of the baby boom generation there was this general idea that masculinity was equated with domineering behaviour and negativity. Maybe it was in our house at the time, but that sure is BS in the bigger picture. So it’s joyful to see men and women reclaiming their traditional roles, and to see that it can be done while maintaining dignity, fun and mutual respect for the sexes. I hold doors.
About the door, I have run into a problem lately. The double door. What does one do when there is a door that leads to a second door, this seems to be common in large buildings (at my university) to keep heat or ac in. So if I accelerate to open the door for the girl, she walks through and there is no way I can make it to the second one gracefully. My best solution thus far has been to go through the first door first holding it for her (i.e. not letting it close behind me) and hold ing the second one for her properly. Any other suggestions?
to people like josh, the other joe way up there, and the many others with a lot of “thumbs down” votes… you are the reason this website was created. i’m not usually one for passive-aggressive comments that just incite more argument, but come on. seriously? i think you said it best, josh, when you said:
“If a girl EXPECTS me to open a door for her simple because she is a girl and i am a boy, well that is simply ridiculous, wrong and sexist.”
you were spot on. only a boy thinks this way. real men don’t open doors for women simply because “she is a girl and [we are] boys”. a man would also open a door for another man, if he got there first. to me, it is very sad how many “men” need critical lessons in manners these days; lessons in manliness. who would have ever thought it would come down to this: men not knowing how to be men on their own? Brett, you do a very fine job, and i have a lot of respect for what you’re doing here. and now for my own, personal opinion on the matter…
i believe as caring people, we should hold the door for the next person, if they’re in close enough proximity so that you’re not standing there holding the door for an awkwardly long time, although sometimes i’m fine with holding the door that long too. if a woman is behind me, you bet i’ll open the door for her, and if she’s too far behind, i’ll let the door close and stand there, and when she gets there, i’ll open it again. criticism for this may include people saying “well that’s a waste of time” or “what are you trying to prove?” or “why should i do that when women are perfectly capable of opening the door themselves?” Miss Angela, i believe you said it perfectly when you said that it’s the GESTURE that is what counts. women want to be treated like women, and traditionally, women are precious to men, so we treat them accordingly. i hate how that notion has been skewed over the past few decades (although i am only 24 myself, i do know my history very well), but i am encouraged to see that men are back on the upswing, and i can only hope and pray that that continues. until then, i will continue to do my part, and hopefully that will influence more of these “boys” as well.
Miss Angela, thank you for a very insightful post, it has been well received. and thank you for taking the time to “introduce a little chivalry” to the children you teach as well. that is incredible and much needed these days.
Love the article. Can’t wait for the following up by article on what men can teach women about how to rediscover their femininity.
p.s., MEN, this goes for car doors as well, as shown in the picture. for many reasons, first and foremost, the manly gesture. also, it’s just practical especially when weather conditions are less-than-favorable. quit being selfish, have a little respect, and open the car door for that lovely lady. every time. it’s not difficult, i promise; and once you do it a few times, it becomes habit… a good habit, at that.
think of it this way (if you’re married, you definitely [should] understand this, if not, you should still be able to get it, b/c i’m not married and i do):
your wife, the object of your affection, the pinnacle of love on this earth, the love of your life. you want to do everything for her, right? you should. you should go out of your way every chance you get, just so that she doesn’t have to. but think about this… every woman is that object of affection to SOMEONE. so, out of respect for your fellow man, why not treat his lady the same as you would treat your own?
Once at a mall I held a door for a young gothy woman who informed me in no certain terms that she was no weak little lady who was incapable of something so physically strenuous as opening a door and that she’d take care of it herself, thank you very much.
I replied that I wasn’t holding her door because she is a lady, I was holding it because I am a gentleman. She had no clue whatsoever about what to do with that statement, grabbed a different door and wandered on in. An older, very elegant lady who witnessed the whole scene approached me afterward and thanked me for having proper manners and for acting as a gentleman should.
That incident was probably over 25 years ago now, but it was very, very formative for me and has caused me to think quite a lot about gender roles over the years. Many thanks to Angela for saying something that needs to be said about the way our culture is evolving.
spot on, jeff. well said.
Hi, I’m the author. Thanks to everyone who got that the article is not about OPENING DOORS! It was a device to make the point that its ok for women, even feminists, to enjoy men and the many qualities they have to offer. We shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting our men to be men and of wanting to be women ourselves. Visit my blog for more on the pleasures of loving men again. http://www.welovemen.wordpress.com
right. thank you, Miss Angela. i’m afraid i got kind of stuck on the door topic, but i hope that readers can see through that and find the sentences in there about how women should be held precious to men, etc.
as a man, i really do enjoy a woman that not only allows, but desires for me to BE a man. to be a man about everything; whether it’s fixing something, providing a listening ear when she needs to vent, comforting her, making her feel beautiful by little love gestures, even the small (buy VERY noticeable) gesture of opening a door.
and as a man, i, for one, eat that stuff up when a woman not only wants me to be a man, but is attracted to it as well. it’s a win-win.
Are you really this reactionary?
People enjoy being shown respect and courtesy. We also enjoy safety and predictable circumstances. This is true for both men and women and can explain the appeal of Mrs. Baileys suggestions, however wrong they are.
I obviously can’t speak for every man, but I’m pleased when other men (or women) hold the door open for me or display similar signs of respect. I also enjoy doing the same to others, although I feel they should respond with a thanks or a smile. My point being: everyone loves attention, and this article exploits that fact suggesting a weird role-division in society. To treat women as a (egotistical) weak species and men as courteous doormats is silly. Be kind and courteous to everyone regardless of sex. Although as a romantic gesture old-fashioned behaviour is of course great for flattering.
Pardon my English btw. And have a pleasant day!
Angela,
Very nice! I enjoyed reading this and you make some very insightful and meaningful points. Thank you!
Oh, and I was raised to hold the door, even for the woman who walks through the closed one. I still always hold it.
A Biological Argument for why Men Should Hold Doors for Women: You have a penis, therefore, you want to have sex with me. If you want to have sex with me, you better hold the door open for me.
Just don’t spoil it by giving the lady a pat on the derriere on the way past. It sends -very- mixed messages.
Great article on traditional roles and how they are still relevant, if not needed, today. Being courteous and enjoying the feminine side of a woman can be a very rewarding experience. Thank you.
I suppose it sounded like I was stuck on the door issue too, but that really was just the revelation that led me to think about a whole host of other issues relevant to the roles of men and women in society, and about who I am in particular.
The open and closed doors really are a good metaphor.
This post isn’t about holding the door, at least the first part isn’t. This post is about opening the door.
Quite clearly it starts, a man and a woman walking toward an closed door.
Me, I once opened a door for a woman (note, I did not say lady, there is a reason for that) and she walked through the door, as she was walking through the door she struck me in my testicles. We were out on a date and I had opened the door for her as that is how I was trained. I entered and asked her why she struck me. She explained that my chauvinistic opening of the door was a threat to her womanhood and that as a completely capable woman she could open doors for herself.
Feminism can be debilitating.
True story.
I know, a lot of you who weren’t there will call BS on it, I don’t care. I was there. I know what happened. I reported it.
I agree with this post 100% but I think it’s important to emphasize that that if men are going to go back to being men, then women need to go back to being women. It’s great to want a man to be protective, and chivalrous, and take care of you, but what is the woman going to do in turn? The reason that men used to step it up in the responsibility department is that they got something in return. By which I mean, they acted more manly and the women acted more feminine by being nurturing, sweet, alluring, ect. I know that doesn’t sound very PC, but it’s true. I think what you have a lot of times today are women that still want to be treated like a princess, but they also want to wear the pants at the same. You can’t have it both ways.
I believe you, Britt. I have seen similar displays of women denigrating men for being men. Either a physical or verbal attack.
I think of it as a favor in disguise. These women are showing who they really are. Better that men see it before the relationship gets too serious. These women have lost the chance to be with a great man; they are the one who have really lost out.
One 20-something lady explained to me that many women today are “crazy”. If not actually insane, their ideas and beliefs make them behave as if they are insane. If Western women don’t back off and start behaving like real ladies again, they are going to lose out in the relationship world.
There is a reason why so many Western men are finding mates in other countries uninfected by radical feminism. Who wants to put up with the Western woman anymore when what they get for their trouble, even behaving gentlemanly, is a kick to the testicals, litterally and figuratively?
I could and perhaps should write volumes on this subject. Pending that, here are at least some of my thoughts.
Many modern women have been unfortunately conditioned to mistake courtesy for chauvinism.
This shows up not only in their sometimes unwarranted disrespect for men who hold these values, but also in the fact that these same women do not then raise their sons in those values. (and then probably complain when someone else’s son mistreats their own daughter.)
I frequently date younger women and they are often like deer in the headlights when I open my car passenger door for them. I was almost injured one evening when the young woman I was with went to slam the passenger door shut, not realizing I was still standing there waiting for her to settle-in and then offer her the seatbelt.
Often too, younger women feel then compelled to ungracefully reach over across the seats to the driver-side door to unlock it for me …. ruining the gentility and grace of one’s original effort.
Alas, I also see too many men, in trying to “do the gentleman thing†be entirely too ostentatious, with clumsy, clownish and fawning movements. Thus, it is no wonder that women get turned off with such examples.
Dignity and grace, gentlemen! Dignity and grace….
Finally, the two very lovely women I am currently dating are one, a former army paratrooper and two, a former competitive bodybuilder and construction worker. One is currently a professional Dominatrix, in point-of-fact. Both of these stunning fem-fatales have modeled professionally. No vulgar, testicle-punching, pseudo-feminists they. Yet, they simply adore having doors opened and in taking my arm while on a walk.
If there is one thing that is clear in this article, it’s that women still have no idea what they want. They want to live in society where both sexes are equal yet they reminisce about a time when the sexes weren’t equal.
My thoughts on this topic are this:
If women liked the way things were back in the early 20th century, there would have been no reason for the Feminist Movements. Clearly, women’s attitude’s changed early last century and we moved towards a more equal society, the kind that we see today. Keep in mind that men’s roles and attitudes also changed during this time.
Now women want to keep the equality they have today but would like men to treat them like we did earlier last century?? How is that treating every human being as equals? Doesn’t that go against the Feminist argument about treating both sexes as equals? Where is the equality if women expect me to open the door, give them my jacket when it’s cold or pay for a date? Isn’t she in an equal position to open the door, give me her jacket or pay for the date?
As far as I’m concerned, Angela can open the door just as well as any man can. The women before her fought hard for her right to do so.
Tom-
I think it’s possible for men and women to be different, but equal. Men and women simply aren’t exactly the same. We have different tendencies and desires. Women today don’t want to return to the old days where women were thought incapable of ahtletics, academics, and leadership. But they also don’t want to be treated just like a man. They’re tired to being told that men and women are identical when everything in their own personal experience with men and women says otherwise. I think what women want today is a new model of womanhood, one that melds some of the past with the hard-fought rights of today. A womanhood where a woman can be seen as smart and capable, just as smart and capable in almost all things as man, but while also acknolwdging that there are a few areas where each sex does things better. That we each have our strengths and weaknesses. I think it’ should be okay for a woman to say that while she’s smart and capable she’s also physically weaker and more emotional than a man. Because that’s true in 96% of cases. And if that’s true, can’t we want a man to protect us and be a rock for us when we breakdown?
An above commenter said women today are “insane.” I think a better word would be schizophrenic. We are stuck between how we were raised to think we were supposed to act (liberated woman), and how our biology makes us want to act. We’re stuck between what we are told and what our own eyes tell us. And it is really confusing.
Hi Tom,
It’s not about having things like they were 100 years ago or like they are today. It’s about creating something better for everyone. We can be treated equally under the law, but still enjoy the pleasures of our differences. The perfect world.
@DaisyDilly Fenwick – I do have a penis. However, given your attitude, I would not want to have sex with you.
Liz,
I can’t even comprehend how hard and confusing it must be to be a woman with two opposite mindsets pulling at you from different angles, and I won’t try. I think any man that has gone down that road knows that trying to understand a woman is futile. And that is ok. I also think what you said in your first paragraph made SO much sense, a very good assessment. I totally agree that women should be seen as equals. You are people just like we men are. You have skills and capabilities just like we do. You are also very correct in saying that men and women also have many differences, and therein lies the beauty of the whole scheme. Plainly stated, a lot of times, women are smarter than men. It certainly has been shown that girls learn faster than boys in school. I think women are more driven a lot of times too. Men are firm. Men are strong. Men will fight for what they believe in. Women need that. WOMEN need MEN. And MEN need WOMEN.
Liz- Where do we draw the line on different but equal? You mention that women are generally weaker and more emotional than men… does that imply that women shouldn’t hold jobs in the military? How about fire fighting or police work? Some men wouldn’t be enthusiastic about heading into a fire if they had to depend on an individual who was weaker than the average man to drag them out if something went wrong. Or if someone was in a position of leadership and they were lead by more by their emotions than rational thought. Different but equal doesn’t really work because then we have to justify putting people in positions we know they’re not really suited for. And if we don’t put them in those positions, then we can’t really say things are equal.
That’s the problem with the different be equal argument, too many grey areas. I like my way better. Black and White. We’re all equal, we all have the same rights and abilities so both sexes can do what ever they want and treat each other however they want (without infringing on any rights of course).
Forget the formalities of the past because they don’t exist anymore. Just like people in the 1900’s didn’t treat each other like they did in the 1850’s, we shouldn’t try to treat people today like we did in the 1950’s.
I should also mention that I’m 25-30 years old so I’m that younger generation who is moving away from this chivalry nonsense. I used to be more chivalrous (sp?) in my younger days when my parents pushed it on me but it went unappreciated so I stopped… there was no positive reinforcement from the girls so what’s the point in doing it? I even used to pay for drinks and dinners but learned to stop that when it wasn’t reciprocated. Now it doesn’t matter because I find that if you’re in good shape, look your best and can make conversation, one doesn’t have to stoop to chivalry to impress a woman anymore… it’s far easier now for men then it used to be. Imagine our grandfather’s courting our grandmothers? You had to marry them before the real fun began. Now you can have fun after hanging out for a couple of days and if the relationship goes sour, you don’t lose your house, your car or have to make alimony payments. The two grown adults are free to go their separate ways. Given the choice, I prefer the way things are today.
Tom-
“I like my way better. Black and White. We’re all equal, we all have the same rights and abilities so both sexes can do what ever they want and treat each other however they want (without infringing on any rights of course).”
Should women be allowed to play professional football? Even if they were allowed, could they make the team if they tried out? And if the answer to this question is no, then you have a gray area. Women do not have the same ability to play football. That’s a fact. And if there’s one gray area, that certainly opens up the possibility of more, doesn’t it?
I don’t have any problem saying women are less suited for jobs like firefighting, because I guarantee there are female firefighters out there who couldn’t drag a man out of a burning building. They don’t have to pass the same fitness standards test and it’s ridiculous. But I also don’t have a problem saying that women are better suited for jobs requiring diplomacy-HR, PR, ect. And so at the end of the day the strengths and weaknesses balance out and you have equality.
Got to disagree with Brucifer real quick…When I had my Wrangler, it had manual locks and was back when I was dating. One of the tools I used was to see if a woman would lean over to unlock my door after I let her in. If she took the time to lean over, it showed to me that she was a giving woman that wanted to look after me. I would instantly know where to shape questions and look for habits from her.
I agree with the author completely! As a woman, I embrace my femininity for the source of power it is, rather than trying to repress it to be more like a man. Nor would it be healthy for my husband to struggle to be more feminine. We each add to our relationship to supply what is needed in our life and I can tell you – its a beautiful thing!
Also – as a woman raising a little man – I just have to say I love this site! Keep it up!
Liz- Right now, a woman can play men’s golf but a man can’t play women’s golf. Is that fair? Why can a woman take employment away from a man but a man can’t play in the LPGA and take employment away from a woman? Is that different but equal? I argue that it’s not equal. We should just have one great big golf association and let everyone compete. If you make it great, if not, try again next time. Same for any position in any job. Both sexes should just compete for any job they want, regardless of their sex.
I think we should all just be given numbers because that is the only way we will be equal. If you’re applying for a job, you just give them your credentials and a number. If you’re picked, you’re picked and if not, it’s based on your credentials, not because of your sex. You can make the same argument based on ethnicity as well.
Wonderful article, Angela! This expresses a needed thought in society PERFECTLY.
Personally, if I can act as a man, then I’m happy. However, those instances don’t come up very often, and almost always when among other men. Not around women.
I always like to hold doors open, precisely for the same reason many people voiced here: it’s how we were raised, to be courteous.
When you have women threatening you with violence just because you’re holding a door for them though, you begin to stop doing that. And you begin to stop being gentlemanly to people who treat you rudely.
I encourage all women to read this article; there is all sorts of wonder in happy relationships between men and women (not Male Person and Female Person). Thing is, the opportunities for women to be women are numerous. The opportunities for men to be men are shrinking.
Wow, This is probably the best written article I’ve seen so far on the AoM. I constantly feel that awkward inner dialoge of both wanting to encourage the independance of women while wanting to reconnect with my chiviral manliness. Generally I try to open the door for a lady. It sucks though when doors have to be pushed outward though. If you try to prop those open, you end up having to run around the lady to get it and then try and push yourself to one side to allow her to get past you. It’s way too awkward. It ends up looking like I’m trying to jump around and beat her through the door. So if the door swings in, allow me, if it swings out, your on your own.
Great article! Thanks!