Editor’s note: Women today also have an interest in helping men rediscover the lost art of manliness. Thus, today we bring in a guest writer to shed some light on how manliness looks from the female side of the fence. Please give a warm Art of Manliness welcome to Angela Bailey. Angela is a writer, teacher, and a mom. You can read more at her blog www.welovemen.wordpress.com.
It has become a very stressful yet all too predictable scenario for me. A man and I are walking together. We might know each other or he might be a stranger who just got distracted for a moment and didn’t notice the closed door looming menacingly before us. We continue approaching, perhaps a little more slowly now that we both see the writing on the wall, or the door in this case.
I’m never sure what he’s thinking at this point, but I know I have two choices: I can hang back and see what he decides to do or I can speed up and reach for the door before he gets the chance. I’ve gone both ways here. Usually I make the decision at the very last moment using my keen peripheral vision to quickly assess his cultural values, upbringing and emotional state of mind.
With a younger guy, I just go for the door myself (out of pity for both of us). If I think a man is in his sixties or older, I’ll often wait since I’m fairly sure he’ll get the door and gesture for me to go ahead. But when he’s between 30 and 60, it’s a crap shoot. If I pause expecting the door to be opened for me I risk the confusion and awkwardness that awaits if the guy wasn’t planning to offer me that service. Of course by the time I realize this, we’re both already stuck, hands and arms intertwined in a struggle for door supremacy. Eventually one of us lets go and we both stumble through the doorway and scurry off in shame. I’m embarrassed I ever wanted him to hold the door in the first place and I get the feeling he’s sorry he didn’t.
You might wonder why I even bother with any of this. I could certainly avoid these clumsy encounters altogether by simply taking charge and opening my own darn door. After all, I am perfectly capable of handling a simple door-opening by myself. But to be honest, I really kind of like having a man do it. Obviously, it’s not about what I can or can’t do on my own. There’s just something inside me that seems to enjoy and value the service of men. And lately, I’ve been starting to think that “something” might be a woman. If it is, then I’m pretty sure there’s a man lurking inside some of the guys I know too. Just the other day for instance, a male friend of mine—for no reason at all—took my keys right out of my hand and went outside to check on a problem I was having with my car. I didn’t even ask him or anything. So all this makes me wonder, could it be that it’s finally okay for men and women to be….well men and women again?
I was born in the 60s and I can’t remember a time when I felt like my identity as a girl or woman was actually about me. It has always been more about modeling myself after the ideal construct of the strong, liberated modern woman—independent, powerful, assertive (did I mention independent?). Need a man? Are you nuts? Not me. I am woman hear me roar! Etcetera, etcetera.
I certainly would not want to appear anti-feminist in any way. The truth is, I am profoundly grateful for the rights and freedoms I have today. But there’s no doubt that the very necessary social movements required to secure fairness for women created some uncertainty around what it means to be male and female. Feminist activists had to take the spotlight off the things that make us different and focus on our common humanity in order to drive home the point that we all deserve equal treatment. However decades of emphasizing male and female “sameness” have left most of us frustrated and confused about how to reconcile our deeply rooted, biologically-based feelings and desires with our intellectually constructed social values. Lately, the battle of the sexes has become more of an inner conflict matching our sense of who we are against our idea of who we should be.
Certainly, the noble concept of who we should be has served us well over the years. Our culture has always placed a high value on the pursuit of justice and fairness for everyone. The process can be slow, but our collective desire to hold ourselves to a higher and higher standard has been one of the driving forces behind the building of the most fair-minded societies in the world. There is no question we possess considerable will, reason and intelligence. We might even be smart enough to figure out that our intellects have only so much power over our biology.
There is no denying the simple fact that we are all here primarily because our fathers and mothers had sex. Obviously other things had to happen too, but the most critical element in baby-making is surely the act of sex itself. They say evolution is about “survival of the fittest,” but it’s really more accurate to describe it as “survival of the fittest and most prolific.” No matter how strong or smart or beautiful you are, the only way your genes survive and get passed down to future generations is if you reproduce. And that puts our behaviours around reproduction front and centre in the process of natural selection. Bottom line is, we’ve all inherited the well-honed skills, desires, and impulses that facilitated the impressive reproductive success of our countless ancestors over the millennia. Men are designed to behave in ways that will get the sexual attention of women and women are naturally inclined to seek out and admire male characteristics that serve to enhance the survival potential of their offspring.
Like it or not, the instincts governing our interactions with the opposite sex are programmed into the most primal recesses of our DNA. Sure, we can pretend our intellects are completely in charge, but we’ve all seen how well that works out. I doubt relations between men and women have ever been more strained than they are today. Resentment, anger and conflict are prominently featured in so much of male-female interaction these days and the media compounds the problem by reinforcing this dynamic at every turn. Criticizing men has been in vogue now for quite a while, with positive representations of male qualities absent from most of popular culture. Women, who’ve convinced themselves the best route to having it all is doing it all, have unwittingly shut men out of the roles that define them most fundamentally as men. Add to that the unprecedented availability of meaningless sex and pornography and you have a recipe for disaster: men with little sense of self or purpose and scarcely anything to motivate them to excel.
I’m afraid women are no better off. We are relentlessly conditioned to think one way when instinctively we often crave something entirely different. We roll our eyes at macho posturing even though a man’s bold strength and courage make us feel safe. We complain endlessly about the audacity of the male ego, but it’s a man’s confidence that gives us faith in his wherewithal. And while it’s fashionable to sing the praises of a sensitive guy, I believe most of us prefer men who are thick-skinned and resilient (all that stuff about not being afraid to cry…please be a little afraid). With so much of what we’ve been taught to believe conflicting with what we instinctively desire, is it any wonder women are such a jumble of contradictions? Unfortunately, admitting the truth leaves us open to being labelled needy, weak and unenlightened.
When I talk to women about this sad state of affairs, they’re usually quite guarded at first. But as soon as I open up and share my frustration over feeling unable to express my honest feelings and desires, they almost always jump right in and agree whole-heartedly. They want to be women, empowered by their many strengths but still vulnerable enough to need men, to enjoy and appreciate their unique talents and offerings. As for men, they seem even more gung-ho for change. Most guys I meet light-up at the slightest gesture of affection for their battered masculinity. They want to be men for us, if only we’d let them.
I guess the good thing is we’re getting pretty close to some relief. Enough of us seem to want the same thing: the freedom to be ourselves. So where do we go from here? Personally, I think we just need to take it one door at a time. Once we relax and allow ourselves to celebrate and enjoy the pleasures of our differences, the rest should happen naturally. It’s just not that complicated. Even my grade 6 students get it. After only mild encouragement, the young gentlemen in my class are proud to graciously allow their female classmates to enter and exit through a door first. The girls are flattered by the gesture and pleased to offer a sincere smile and “thank you” in return. I’ve even had a number of parents thank me for introducing a little chivalry into the lives of their children.
As for my own predicament, I have decided to go forth bravely into this world full of confusion and closed doors. Maybe next time, I’ll even wait a little bit longer before I reach for that door handle. Hey, why not give the guy a chance to be the man we both want him to be.
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Tom –
Perhaps the lack of positive reinforcement is because women can detect you were only being chivalrous because you want something (i.e., I held the door so you have to do something I want in return). If there’s one thing I can say about women with certainty it’s that women are much more perceptive than men. They can read us like books when we’re up to something. And when they do get that sense (through our non-verbal communication), it often times makes seemingly harmless gestures go unappreciated. That’s why it’s important to be a gentleman all the time. If you’re not, she’ll get that he’s up to something vibe and then you’ll get the unappreciative response.
Tom youre jerk dude. People like you and the women you date are the reason its so hard to find a classy woman these days.
Thanks bud!
Ryan- Women are not any more perceptive than men… that’s why women talk so much. Women use more words in a day than men do. That’s because men are better at reading body language and reading non-verbal cues. If women were as perceptive as you claim, they wouldnt have to ask what you’re thinking all the time. They could just read your body language. I think we need to stop the male/female sterotypes here. Men are just as perceptive as women. I would argue that men are more so.
Rich- Im not the reason you can’t find any classy women. Perhaps your idea of a classy woman doesn’t exist anymore. If you define a classy woman, maybe someone here can point you in the right direction. Maybe the classy women you are looking for aren’t the kind of girls I find and if that’s the case, what are you upset about? I don’t think women are unclassy, they just are less classy to you based on what ever assessment you use. I like the women I meet. We date and if it doesn’t work out, we go our separate ways. No harm, no foul.
I’m also far from a jerk, I’m just telling you what I do to meet women and it works just fine for me (and countless others my age). If you can’t compete with someone like me in attracting women, you have to take stock in what you’re offerring them and whether they want what you’re offerring. If you can’t find classy women by acting like a gentleman, then perhaps you should take that as a clue that women don’t care if you act like one. My advice to you is to throw everything your dad taught you out the window because less and less women care if you’re a gentlemen. Women can take care of themselves just fine now.
Angela,
It’s too bad you’re married already. Thank you for such an endearing post.
*
Thanks for the blog… I love reading the site, and I really like the idea of having a woman appreciate held doors and gentlemanly behavior. This reminds me of something that happened about 20 years ago.
I, growing up in Texas, but going to school in North Carolina at a university with a lot of northern transfers, had a bit of culture shock back in the late 1980s. I recall an incident, where I let my tongue get the best of me, but felt better for it. I held the door for an anonymous female student who fussed at me for holding it – she aggressively said she was perfectly capable of getting her own doors. I responded that I hold the door for her not because she is a lady, but because I am a gentleman. That was a rare moment when the response didn’t show up 2 minutes after I needed it.
That being said, I want my 10 year old daughter to feel its great for her to be strong and independent… but to also know that its ok for her to have doors opened for her, for a man to offer his arm, and for her to feel special.
Wow, some people here…
I’m a lot different than other guys. I open doors for not only women, but men. It’s not a matter of chivalry to me, but respect. However, for women, I gesture with my hand, and men, I bow my head and nod.
I’m 20, and while people don’t show appreciation for it, they don’t have to. I know what I’m doing is right and I mean well by it. There’s no sarcasm to my motions, and people have never misunderstood my politeness before.
From what I’ve seen, women my age don’t look for chivalry because it’s so seldom seen, but when they get treated well, they adore it. That’s also the reason that most guys are spiteful of me. However, acting genuinely polite and inquisitive to a woman I’m interested in has never turned out poorly for me. When looking for love, a friend is not a loss.
I’ve had a bad experience with chivalry in the past. I’d been accused of being a sexist simply because I once said that I’d never hit a lady. When has being polite and having basic morality a bad thing?
I really like this article. Women should not be our enemies in reclaiming manliness, but rather, our greatest partners.
an act of kindness towards another is a good thing –
to question why such a kindness suffers confusion is better.
but the best is knowing that, in regard to the dynamic, it’s all about choice.
notwithstanding those pesky x and y thingies – vive la difference!
well it looks as if i have the second most thumbs down for this article, and i cant say i mind. i even partially agree with joe’s sentiments, although i must say he was a bit untactful with it.
what people seem to fail to read in my first response was that i, personally, open the door for anyone who is behind me. And that is something that im proud and happy to do.
But it has nothing to do with gender. being polite, which is what opening a door is, should have nothing to do with gender.
“An above commenter said women today are “insane.†I think a better word would be schizophrenic. We are stuck between how we were raised to think we were supposed to act (liberated woman), and how our biology makes us want to act. We’re stuck between what we are told and what our own eyes tell us. And it is really confusing.” – Liz.
How is schizophrenic a better term? “Insane” is general and used as a synonym of “Crazy” but women being “Schizophrenic” means that they have a problem with perceiving or expressing reality. So we’re talking about hallucinations, delusions, word salad, paranoia, catatonic states, etc. Unless of course you mean Schizophrenic in the same context of people being “crazy” or “insane” but then how would it be a better word? I posit that unless you have evidence that generally women do experience recurring breaks in reality that Schizophrenic is by no means a better word and at best the same value of word such as “Insane”.
Going more on topic, this craziness in both gender roles can be blamed on society as a whole. How can you blame a contemporary man for not holding the door? We had father’s that were away much of the time, there are less family business where knowledge is handed down through the generations. We got most of our social cues from the schoolyard and T.V. There is plenty of different niches that men grew up in and some of them have gotten “soft” on the masculinity, while others thrive on being as much of a man can be. And look at this new niche that formed up since I’ve been out of highschool. “Emos” where the boys try to be as slender and effeminate as possible (stereotypically). Gender roles are messed up, I think we all know that. I think everyone just needs to be true to themselves. That goes for both men and women. If men want to completely ignore the etiquette of yesteryear, fine, if women want a man who doesn’t ignore it than that’s fine too. You are going to be yourself, and you are going to choose to be around the type of people that make you feel comfortable. However, you must realize that we are becoming more and more of a melting pot of different cultures and values, and that everyone is going to act differently. All you can do is be tolerant and move on with your life. I mean seriously, I think we all have bigger problems than what some random guy does in your proximity at the mall. Its at best a few seconds of second guessing and at worst an awkward minute of your life. This is nothing to get worked up into a state of anomie over.
You mean men haven’t been doing this (opening doors) or more (walking curbside, picking up dropped items, nodding hello, or generally being polite and respectful of others, both men and women or young and old)? Wow, where have I been? Guess I was just well reared. Thanks to the gods for my parents and grand parents and their sense of generosity, kindness and consideration.
“Being a man isn’t about asking permission or wonder what the ulterior motives are, its about doing what’s right (or manly) in every situation. Hell, if its a little old lady, run around her to make sure you get the door. ”
“you open a door for a woman not because they’re a woman, but because you’re a gentlemanâ€.
You got it. I’ve had women seem a little put off when I held the door (or whatever gentlemanly thing it was) and say “i can get it”, or “you don’t need to do that.” When they respond like that, rather than risk offending them and saying “that’s what gentlemen do” or whatever, I just tell them I have to do it because my mom would beat me down if she knew I didn’t. That seems to appease their feminist ego.
If a woman struck me in the nads for holding the door, id’ have eaten dinner and then when finished, “gone to the bathroom” ie stuck her with the bill and let her walk home. Yeah, mom would beat me down for that one too. But some things are worth the price.
Tom –
On perceptiveness between men and women, why do you think the phrase “women’s intuition” came about? It is a generality, but generalities are typically based on observational fact. And there is a scientific reason for this. Humans are animals. Prior to modern civilization, women much more than men fell into the category of prey. Their senses adapted to levels far beyond those of men as they (and their young) had to use “flight” much more than “fight”. “Flight” had to be engaged much sooner than “fight” for it to work.
As far as women asking men what we’re thinking, perhaps they approach the world with a different paradigm. Presumably, when you and I ask a question we ask it with the direct intent to get a direct response to something which we do not currently know. What if a woman were approaching it with the thought process that she already knows something is up and she wants to see how you’ll react to the question? Obviously, this is not always the case and I use your example to point something important for men to understand about women – men cannot use their paradigms to understand the world from a woman’s point of view.
When I was as young as I can remember my mother would take me to the stores with her and I was always told by her to walk ahead and open the door for her. If I ever forgot she would get upset with me and then give me a small talk about what being a boy meant and how all boys were suppose to do this. She instilled this on me at a young age and as a 30 yr old adult it’s just always been 2nd hand nature to me. I always open doors even sometimes for guys. It’s not only being gentlemen like, it’s polite and a kind gesture to those who may not even know you. If there are guys out there that don’t do this it’s probably because no one ever taught or explained to them why they should. It’s the parents fault. It’s the same as when you invite a lady out for dinner. If you made the invitation and you asked her, you should very well pay for her meal even if she insists you don’t. Women aren’t like men. They don’t always say what they really want because they think men will think they aren’t independent and strong. I’ve learned that if a woman says “oh it’s ok. I’ll pay for myself.” Just be a man and get around to paying for her while she’s not even noticed.. Then when she says it, you just say, “Hey no worries. I’ve already taken care of it.” She will respect you more for putting her needs before yours.
Tom said :”Ryan- Women are not any more perceptive than men… that’s why women talk so much. Women use more words in a day than men do. That’s because men are better at reading body language and reading non-verbal cues. If women were as perceptive as you claim, they wouldnt have to ask what you’re thinking all the time. They could just read your body language. I think we need to stop the male/female sterotypes here. Men are just as perceptive as women. I would argue that men are more so.”
I have to strongly disagree with this. All the experts I have read in books and articles on body language say that women are far more perceptive at reading body language than men. I’ve also read that contrary to popular belief men may actually use more words a day than women, but I’m less sure about this. This theory claims that men do more talking to communicate facts and information, as in a workplace, while women do more communication to express or gauge feelings, which often occurs at home (the basis for “women nagging men once they come home from work”). Anyways, the issues of gender differences are far too complex and mysterious for me to even begin to assess, but I do think you’re wrong about perceptiveness.
As for the article itself, it’s fantastic and well written. Articles like this is why I love AoM. I may not always be the best purveyor of it, but I do pride myself in acting gentlemanly and chivalrous, and I’m always interested in improving. This article paints the picture of the type of woman I would love to have as a girlfriend: independent and intelligent, but also feminine, caring, and wanting and encouraging manliness in her boyfriend.
What if there are two doors one right after another? I experience this every day. If you hold open the first door, you can’t hold the second one.
The only time I’ve ever seen a women have a problem with a guy holding the door, was when the guy made a freakin’ production out of it.. This is the same guy who thinks it’s “classy” to kiss a girl’s hand when they meet. *rollseyes*
To have an issue, you need that beautiful combination of a guy who’s a jerk (see above) and likes to make a production of of things where women come in, and a woman who’s hypersensitive. Most women just roll their eyes and say “thanks” as they pass through the door, leaving that guy in their wake (so she doesn’t have to run for the hills, later).
Personally, I’m with the camp who tends to hold the door for pretty much anybody.
While I appreciate the consideration and sensitivity with which Angela wrote this essay, I feel obligated to point out some fuzzy spots in her argument. I believe she acknowledges the cultural underpinnings of our gender norms, especially as she percieves them to have changed (which they have to a certain degree). However, she seems to rely upon the notion of biological determinism as the mechanism through with maleness and femaleness are constructed. While there are obvious anatomical differences, I do not see that DNA has determined what types of social behaviors we appreciate in our opposite-sex interactions short of sex itself. As a student of sociology, I am well aware of the social construction of gender. Although the feminist movement has led to a relaxing of the hitherto mandated gender norms, they have nonetheless not disappeared from our society’s consciousness. As evidence, I point to some of the comments on this page praising films that espouse traditional male and female roles. So, of course these old time norms that used to have such a stronghold are still circulating out there and having an impact on our socialization (albeit an ambivalent one). This gradual cultural change, I believe, is what is leading to our confusion, not biology. I am curious if Angela is by chance a biology teacher? If so, I would appreciate if she could point to hard evidence of the part of the DNA that determines our gendered social interactions. Until then, I will stand by social science.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for taking the time to read and so thoroughly digest my article. I do welcome your comments.
I doubt a debate about who can “prove” what is particularly useful here. Biology can no more prove that our genetic make-up affects our behaviour than Sociology can disprove it. However I do admire your courage, dare I say manliness, at calling me out on my arguments as you rest yours on the tenants of such a soft science.
That being said, my position that our intellects cannot entirely govern out biology is based on the well-accepted theories of natural section and sex selection which nearly all scientists and educated people believe are the very best explanations we have for how the characteristics of all living things have evolved. I would never be foolish enough to argue that social conditioning is not an important factor affecting human behaviour. All I’m trying to say is that genetics might be another, perhaps more significant factor. If you are interested in exploring these ideas further, might I suggest you read The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature by Geoffrey Miller.
Again, I really appreciate your comments. They have given me some ideas for future posts on my blog http://www.welovemen.wordpress.com.
Angela
Dear Mrs. Bailey.
i searched all over the internet to find your article. i found it quite interesting…
i read all the comments and found myself writing down the URL
,btw, that’s what the “joke”‘ that you didn’t hear in the class!!! p.s. i found this article and i flipped! now i’m emailing it to my possey!!! c-ya!!! oh and yea, good game…:-S
You like having men open doors and extend traditional social courtesies? Nothing wrong with that; many men are happy to open doors and extend those traditional social courtesies to you. I guess I’m just confused as to why you feel you need to justify this as something dictated by evolution, (particularly as the scientific community is very much in debate on those issues). And yes, it is a little disturbing to see embrace of those traditional norms as a marker of what it means to ‘be a woman’ or ‘be a man’. Perhaps you didn’t mean it this way, but you’re implying that there is something inferior or freakish about those who don’t enjoy those traditional roles as much as you do.
thank you angela for this insight.
i am all for chivalry as it is, as it makes my life more easier in a relationship with a woman. my to-do list is generated by my instincts, so no confusion, and not to mention the playfulness introduced by the scuffle for endless door handles out there(figuratively). and a tap on my ‘ceps at the end of the day for handling all the doors(figuratively) doesn’t come down too hard on my ego, as i have other measures to gauge its performance(my career?). egos which get bruised at door handles need some serious workout, imho.
my lady is fully aware of this approach of mine and is all too comfortable and similarly follows her own instincts when it comes to acting in and for our relationship which always comes as a nice surprise for me, needless to say i love them when they do come.
but i am all for women empowerment. even willful submission may get construed as timid character, so i am all for baring fangs standing atop the black rock once in a while and then resting back, just to be sure you know. women have acted on their instincts for too long, so much that men have come to conclude that maybe they are like that because they are inept. so all this women empowerment going on since my childhood and likely to continue will probably help young men growing up in these years to be aware of the capabilities(which are same as men’s) of the women around them and the young women growing to have a firm belief in themselves(same as men’s) to act on their own will whenever the need be. so ladies, please do continue with your day jobs, but don’t forget to be yourself with a man who understands what you are being, and men, take it easy unless mortally threatened.
at the end of it all, its all about being and acting secure and not being too bothered by anything, big or small, coming our way.
My boyfriend is a very manly man, I’ve never opened a door when I’m with him.
The art of gentlemanly civility was instilled in me at a very young age by my mother. I’m in my late 40s and have experienced many different responses to opening doors, rising when seated when a female enters a room, approaches a dining table, seating a female, walking on the curbside of a sidewalk between a female and the street, etc. Some have been positive, most have been negative.
The rules of engagement were discarded during the feminist movement around these types of social interactions between genders were not replaced. Consequently, there exists only ambiguity in the generation that experienced life during an post early feminist movement positioning. Many females (my mother included) felt that some things were fine and at the same time, she felt that the polarization promoting an “us vs. them” mentality would severely damage, if no eliminate many of the positive attributes of established social interactions between genders. Her view of how a gentleman behaves did not shift during or after that particular era of the feminist movement.
For me, I continue to behave as a gentleman and applying the many acts of gentlemanly civility because I believe it to be correct, appropriate, and respectful of females. I also have the voice of my mother on my shoulder that would shame me endlessly should I violate those values and behaviors that she invested a great deal of time and energy teaching to me.
By the age of four, she had accomplished her goal and proved my skills and ability by testing all of them, including a formal meal at a restaurant while three waiters stood nearby at the ready should I experience an embarrassing accident, drop food, or somehow violate the expectations of the establishment and its clientele. Much to their amazement and my mother’s pleasure, my behavior was perfect, my manners impeccable, and my behavior as a gentleman was beyond reproach.
I write all of that to say that whenever or whomever might feel slighted or offended that I express any gentlemanly act of civility, unapologetically, I simply ask them to call my mother, hand them a business card with her name and telephone number, and ask that they file a complaint with her. She is fully responsible and deserves all of the credit for any offense suffered by unsuspecting females who are victimized by these acts of gentlemanly civility. Interestingly, to my knowledge, she has yet to receive a telephone call and I have handed out many cards over the years. Perhaps she has received calls and her feminine civility will not allow her to disclose or mention such experiences.
The Gen X’rs are confused around, The Gen Ys do not seem to care, and the Millienials … well, it’s difficult to say at this point.
Regardless, my respect for her outweighs any offense that a female may experience from my gentlemanly civility.
I’ve read this article, probably five or six times, and everytime I read it, I just want to sit and cry……..
I’m a 39 yo female who has been married to what used to be my best friend. He knew me 17 years before we got married and I was this strong, self-sufficient woman. In the last couple of years I have wanted so desperately to “get back” to the way things used to be when women were ladies and men were protectors. I’ve tried to put a voice to this with my husband, but of course, it’s considered “nagging.” I love my husband desperately, but we’ve fallen victim to stereotypes and lifestyles that do not resonate with what I want in my life.
I literally dream of being the “woman of virtue” that the Bible talks about, but feel like I’m drowning in the path of what I thought women were supposed to be. I long day and night to feel cherished and “taken care of,” but to my husband, I’ve just changed…………..
I love this article. It spells out what has happened to our society of “ladies” and it’s very, very disheartening. What do we do? How do we change? How can we get society to “go back” to the ways of chivalry? Please help us!!!!!
As a woman raised by a “traditional” father, I’m pretty disappointed in this article. Be careful what you wish for.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to pine for the “good old days” when you have little idea what you’re actually talking about. Remember the 1950s, when hard work and industry were rewarded? When men opened doors and women didn’t fear walking alone at night?
Certainly, you were well rewarded for hard work — as long as you weren’t black or an immigrant. And women didn’t have much opportunity to leave their homes at any time of the day, and anyway, hitting your children and wife wasn’t really such a crime, was it?
Of course, there’s a wide margin of difference between opening doors for people based on gender and the acceptability of domestic abuse. But ask yourself about the common philosophical origin of each: women need strong men to guide them through life.
I’m not advocating rudeness. If anyone opens the door for you, smile and say thank you. If you get to the door first, I open it and hold it open for the next person, regardless of gender or age.
Don’t project personal dissatisfaction with the way others treat you as a symptom of a problem with society which doesn’t exist.
As a (female) child of the 70s, this article puzzles me. Never have I encountered the door-opening anxiety the author refers to – whoever gets there first opens the door. That’s just good manners, male or female. Why should it be otherwise?
I also don’t understand the example the writer gives of the supposed modern female confusion:
“We roll our eyes at macho posturing even though a man’s bold strength and courage make us feel safe. We complain endlessly about the audacity of the male ego, but it’s a man’s confidence that gives us faith in his wherewithal. And while it’s fashionable to sing the praises of a sensitive guy, I believe most of us prefer men who are thick-skinned and resilient..”
How is ‘macho posturing’ similar to ’strength and courage’? Surely it’s the sign of someone attempting to feign qualities precisely because they lack them? And how is egotism related to confidence – don’t empty bottles make the most noise? Can I not reject an arrogant, posturing man in favour of one who is quietly strong and confident? Likewise, can I not hope for a man who is ’sensitive’ enough to be aware of my feelings, and sufficiently in tune with his own feelings to be resilient? These are false dichotomies.
Besides, none of these qualities are gender specific. Opening doors or being confident does not make me a man anymore than cooking dinner and nurturing a child makes my brother a woman.
People seem to forget that being a TRUE gentleman does not involve putting women on a pedastal. A true gentleman will get that door whether you are a man or a woman. For some reason, though, the idea of a gentleman got skewed as putting women on some kind of pedastal.
I think something to consider is the idea that the feminist movement may not have happened or been necessary if there had been a “men-imist” movement. I do not believe it was as much a matter of women being dissatisfied with the state of women as being a matter of men not being men. This forced women to fill the gap.
My experience is when a man behaves like and assumes the responsibilities of a real man, and treats his lady like a real woman. The woman feels less of a need to take charge or seek independence, and is happier in her feminine role. I believe women should be treated as equals, but at the same time viva la difference!
I’m a 18 yearold female, first off I’d like to say I completely agree with this blog , metaphorically and non,
I adore this site as well, I was raised to be feminine and sincere, and to love and obey, but I would never to anything less than a gentleman, at my age although I am young it seems all chivalry has be lost and forgotten ,
I would also like to say , without meaning any drama, I very much agree to that tom fellow being a rather big jerk
To me a real man will support and encourage my career aspirations.
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