Comments on: How To End a Relationship Like a Man

By: Matt

Matt — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:59:28 +0000

Under normal circumstances, I think that everything outlined above is a good rule of thumb. Rules of thumb always have exceptions, however.

I personally believe very strongly in breaking off a relationship face-to-face and, if you can’t manage that due to long distances, then by phone. I once had cause, however, to end a relationship via e-mail. It was a relationship that spanned the course of one year and my girlfriend at the time was out of the country.

What on earth could possibly justify such a drastically rude approach? Well, during her time away, with the help of others who I knew who also knew her, I came to realize that she was something of a psychopath. Being a psychopath does not mean being psychotic or even that someone is a criminal — it means that they have a defect whereby the individual in question has absolutely no morals or empathy. They are pathological liars and are expert at making rationalizations for their behavior. They are skilled at mimicking real emotion and empathy but lack the function in their brains which actually allows them to feel those things. There is little doubt in my mind that my ex was a psychopath.

In that circumstance I have absolutely no regret of breaking it off with her in the manner I did. To act in a manner that is immediate and not open to rebuttal is essential with such people. If I were to talk to her and give her a chance to respond, she most certainly would have rationalized away her behavior and psychologically manipulated me to make me feel like the villian — she was an expert at this.

Abusive relationships are not always abusive physically and even the manliest of men can be sucked into a relationship full of psychological abuse if they are not careful. People who are abusive do not deserve the slightest bit of courtesy, especially if they are apt to twist that courtesy into a weapon against you.

By: Not Over It

Not Over It — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 05:24:08 +0000

I just got dumped for the first time (my first relationship). We had been talking about marriage for months and it came out of nowhere, and he gave me no reasons beyond “I don’t love you anymore.” There was a waiting period, but it was only 3 days and he didn’t tell me anything was wrong. It’s been a couple of weeks now and I am still not functioning. But what I’m learning is: whatever right or wrong ways there are to end a relationship, if it’s over, it’s over. I’ve been blaming my own inability to move on on his poor handling of the breakup, but that’s just not okay. Now, if anyone has advice on where to go from here…that’d be great.

By: Nathan

Nathan — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:19:47 +0000

I agree with this all for the most part and feel that this is the right way to handle things. I must say though, there are some exceptions. Like #2 for example. This is something I agree with and would personally do myself if my relationship came to this, but the same can’t be said for all relationships mainly because everyone and every relationship is different.

My best friend who happens to be my room mate as well just got out of a terrible relationship for the 3rd or 4th time with the same girl. He is the kind of guy that likes to handle things in person as well but sometimes he just can’t because of the way his partner would handle it. No matter how mature he is about it or how civil he tries to be, she can’t be the same way. She would fall to her knees crying, cry uncontrollably, yell, scream, fight, etc. ANYTHING she could do to keep him from leaving. He’d be forced to be the nice guy, and inevitably would have to stay with her. More less forcing the relationship to go on just a little bit longer, she’d be happy with it and he would be miserable.

The last time they broke up, which was just a few weeks ago he did it over the phone and I don’t blame him at all. In his situation, seeing the way things were going I would have done it the same way when my friend nor I would never handle it that way normally. Enough was enough for him and he didn’t want the head ache anymore. After she called to yell at him for god knows what reason she called back and begged him to come over so they could “talk” knowing full well he was pissed. His call went like this: “Hello?….No……No……. No I’m not coming over……No I’m not coming over tomorrow……No, I’m not doing this anymore, I’m of sick of this, nothing is ever good enough for you, apparently I’m not good enough so you need to find someone who is because I’m sick of trying to be. It’s over. Goodbye.”

I stood behind him on this 100% because if he would have done it in person there is no way it would have ended nicely. Sometimes it’s necessary for both people involved and sometimes it’s a little better off.

By: Cybrludite

Cybrludite — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 12:24:28 +0000

I’ll have to go with coward on that one. My last breakup was by phone, and involved a vauge “Not really feeling a connection here” reason. In my defense, it was after the second date, and the true reason was that she was seriously creeping me out. When the bunny-boiler alarms are going off, it’s time to get out. Especially if they’re loud enough for me to notice…

By: Vicky

Vicky — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 11:18:25 +0000

Hi all,
Would love an opinion as I believe a face to face break up was the respectful thing to do in this situation. My ex and I were 5 weeks into a relationship when he got a job offer that meant he would have to work away (5 hours drive, 1 hr plane) for approx. 1 year. At the time of the offer, he was in a bit of a financial mess so it gave him the opportunity to pay off his debts and put some money away. We had an instant connection when we met and we got along fantastically so we discusssed it and decided that we did not want to end things and that we wanted to take things further. By the way, I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship. All was going very well. We comminicated, he would come back for weekends every 5 weeks or so and my son and I went and stayed with him during school holidays. We constantly told each other how much we missed each other and saying goodbye was always difficult but we managed very well. On several occasions he mentioned how miserable he was and would much rather be home with myself and my son. 11 months into our relationship, 2 weeks after the last weekend we spent toghether and 3 weeks before he was due back home I received a call from him basically telling me that he might be accepting a job offer that would involve him working away and it would be for around 2-4 years. Well, I was shocked to say the least. He said that he would confirm in a few days (I think he already knew then). Mind you, he was due to come back a week later anyway as he had a shark diving tour booked with some friends that was organised months beforehand. So after I was left in limbo for four days he called back just as I was on my way out and told me that he had accepted the job offer and that it was something that he always wanted to do. A step up in his career. His reasons for accepting the offer were ‘I don’t know if I can live with you or your son’, ‘this is why my marriage broke up’ (not the reason he gave me), ‘this is what I do, this is my career’,(as far as I knew he had never worked out of town before so why even start a relationship if there was a chance of him moving around.) Towards the end of his contract he did mention on a couple of occasions that there was not much work on offer back home and that it was starting to worry him. Another reason or excuse, who knows? I just could not believe that one minute he was due to come back and the next, I would never see him again. All I could manage to say was that “I hope everything works out for you and to take care” Oh, he did mention that he enjoyed the times we spent together. Of course he did. Considering he was working long hours and was living in a town that he did not like, the times he spent with me would of been an escape. He obviously wanted to take a different path in life and that is something I had to accept. I don’t believe he set out to use me but that is how I felt at the time. That once things started looking up for him, he did not need me in his life anymore. It hurt that I was obviosuly not special enough for him to take the chance and knock back the job. Yes, I agree in some situations face to face break ups are not convenient but our relationship did not start off as long distance. I believe he just wanted a nice clean break without any confrontation. I did not get a chance to express my thoughts and feelings. I did not get a chance to say a final goodbye in person. So people, coward or not?

By: Mike

Mike — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 17:48:48 +0000

The only thing I have a problem with is the breaking up through email. My situation was a two-year relationship which ended when it went long-distance. When she wouldn’t talk on the phone and expressed no interest in talking to me in person if I drove to her (too busy to make time), I broke it off through email. Sure, I didn’t get the closure I wanted or maybe that she needed, but when you’re not left with a choice, you go with what you’ve got.

By: Michael Freeman

Michael Freeman — Thu, 14 May 2009 03:27:34 +0000

The advice here was surprisingly thoughtful. I’d only disagree with the “in-person” rule: Sometimes it IS appropriate to break up over the phone or through a note (for example, in a long-distance relationship, or in a relationship where you can’t have a conversation without her throwing things…).

A lot of guys won’t be able to take this advice, unfortunately. They get stuck in unhappy relationships, and they can’t find the courage to break up. It’s sad but true, and I see plenty of marriages that are a result of a guy never finding a way to break up. I wrote an ebook for such guys — click my name to check it out.

By: zarah

zarah — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 11:09:38 +0000

I think in any break up both man and the woman feel hurt….it’s not easy to do even if you hate each other.there are emotions involve.You just have to be honest and sensitive at the same time.No reasons or if you have reason’s no need for details a break up is a break up…………move on…………………

By: lord_galathon

lord_galathon — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 17:29:00 +0000

I made the mistake of breaking off a relationship via e-mail years ago and yes, I still feel like an ass for it.

So don’t do it that way, in person is the only way.

By: Aaron

Aaron — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 03:28:54 +0000

“I’m just not feeling it anymore,” is probably the most vague, yet still valid reason. A reason like, “It’s not you, it’s me,” is terrible, and I hear/see that slung around a lot more these days.

I’m surely not alone in having dated a woman I really never felt anything for (she was a friend, but I wasn’t interested romantically or sexually). I broke up with her by saying something very similar to not-feeling-it-anymore, but that I still wanted to be her friend and keep in touch with her, because I was certain she wouldn’t take it well at all if I told her the truth of it. We still talk on occasion, and it’s been a few years since then.

As for the idea of an article for handling being broken up with, I can’t imagine that. Sure, it’s seen as manly to pretend to be over it quickly, but it’s not something you can give general advice for.

By: Monique

Monique — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:32:31 +0000

after 18 years i never got the heart felt face to face. Our relationship was complicated, but bottom line was i have loved him unconditionally since day one and would never end it the way it was ended for me. Its a matter of respecting someone as a human being and wanting them to truly be able to healr and still feel good about the life shared together. This person is supposedly someone you thought of as a bestfriend and lover so the one doing the dumping should find the words to speak. I wont say a man is not a man to take the chicken way out, because women seem to do the same things nowadays. People have forgetten how to be compassionate loving forgiving human beings. They have forgotten how to value the importance of traits that really matter. anyway.. thats my 2 cents

By: Michael Q

Michael Q — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 20:52:19 +0000

Your first point is the key every stage of a relationship, from beginning to possible end. Constant, honest communication prevents misunderstandings and never leaves either party in doubt.

The only thing “missing” from the article is some advice for the dumped. The person dumped also needs to know how to deal with the break up. I think an article on “How to get dumped like a man” would be a great follow up piece.

By: Brian Waala

Brian Waala — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:21:34 +0000

I really think this should be read by women to. i have been dumped many times once over the phone, one by text, and one by facebook. I get extremley frustrated that they all sayed they were to afraid of me to say it to my face it never is easy any way you slice it

By: zarah

zarah — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 13:00:09 +0000

i think its because you are not meant to be……or sometimes when your love for each other is so intense that you always want to be together then one day you will wake up and say to yourself that you cannot breathe anymore that you are suffocated…………so i think it is good to have some space sometimes……..to reassess your feelings toward’s each other……..but the manly thing that a man can do for a girl is to tell her face to face that he/she lost it and vice versa…….there are good guys out there agree????????????

By: Hope

Hope — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 02:24:00 +0000

Its been less than 24 hours since I was the recipient of “I’m just not feeling it” from someone who asked me out, took me to dinner, had hours of great conversation and pursued me physcially, which I wanted too, and both separated with what I thought was another night of the same. I have no regrets about that, but I do believe that if that didn’t happen, I may not of heard at the second date “I’m just not feeling it”. One date, 10 hours together (where no one told him he had to stay), and continued emails and calls from him afterwards, really deserves a “I’m not feeling it’ so fast? Ultimately, it feels like his pursuit was only sex. He was respectful enough to meet me face-to-face and tell me he had a nice time, BUT “I’m not feeling it” and shortly thereafter, felt he should go.

I have spent most of the day upset, trying to figure out how this end could have been avoided. I went out with him knowing he did not want anything serious, and I am not one to make calls and pursue – I am very laid back, respectful of his space and life and thought everything was good. This response came out of nowhere, and now I wrack my brain trying to figure out either how to not have this repeat again, as well as how to remain a friend to this person, who truly liked as a person, as it was too soon to look at his as boyfriend.

Any advice?