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Lately, marriage has gotten a bad rap. It seems like many people these days feel marriage is some archaic arrangement that holds people back from realizing their full potential. Even if people aren’t particularly anti-marriage, they will avoid getting hitched for as long as they can.
Many men delay marriage because they believe that dating and co-habitating offer all of the benefits (particularly sex) of marriage without the commitment and responsibility. They are fooling themselves. Nearly all of the true advantages of marriage (yes, even sex) apply only to actual married couples, not those couples living together, and certainly not to those simply dating.
Here at the Art of Manliness, we haven’t been shy about the fact that we’re big proponents of marriage. We certainly don’t advocate that men rush into marriage willy nilly, whether they’re ready or not. That would be seriously unwise. But once your find your true love and you’re sure she’s the one, there’s no reason to delay your nuptials. Why? Marriage offers truly significant benefits that cannot be found outside of it. Here are 6 reasons you should grow up, man-up, and stopping being scared of walking down the aisle:
The Benefits of Marriage
More and better sex. The popular belief is that marriage stifles sexual fulfillment. The reality is that married men are having better and more frequent sex than their single buddies who go to clubs each weekend trolling for a woman who’s willing to take them home. Married men don’t have to go through all the trouble of having to convince near strangers to sleep with them or crossing their fingers that on the third date they’re going to get some. Married sex is even better than co-habitating sex; 50% of married men find their sex life physically and emotionally fulfilling, compared to only 38% of co-habitating couples. Married sex produces an environment of trust and openness, allowing couples to openly express their sexual needs and desires to their spouse. This results in better, more satisfying sex.
More money. Married men are wealthier men. Married men earn between 10%-40% more than single men. They also receive promotions more frequently and earn more glowing performance reviews than their single co-workers. Married men also tend to save more than single men. It makes sense. When you’re married, your entire outlook on money changes. Realizing that you have someone else to take care of motivates you to do whatever it takes to support her. If you’ve been dragging your feet about marriage until you make more money, consider the idea that getting hitched might actually improve your financial picture.
Image from lovedaylemon
Better health. Married men are healthier men. They stay healthier and live longer than either their single or co-habitating peers. Just how much healthier are they? Take a look at these statistics:
-Married men have fewer infections and a lower risk of heart disease and some cancers.
-Married men are less likely to smoke, drink heavily, and be physically inactive
-Married men are less likely to suffer from health conditions like back pain, headaches, and serious psychological distress.
-Single people spend longer in the hospital, and have a greater risk of dying after surgery
-9 out of 10 married men who are alive at age 48 are alive at age 65. Only 6 out of 10 single men who was alive at age 48 was alive at 65.
-Married men live 10 years longer than single men. A whole decade!
So if you’re looking to kick the grim reaper’s butt, get married.
A bigger smile. Married men are happier than their single counterparts. In the Journal of Marriage and Family, studies showed that 40% of married people said they were generally happy with their life, while only 25% of single people said they were. The bigger smile might be due in part because married men are getting more sex than single men. But marriage also provides incomparable companionship and forces people to commit to something bigger themselves, which contributes to happiness.
True Companionship. There is an old Swedish proverb that says, “Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.” Truer words have seldom been spoken. Marriage basically means always having your best friend around. My wife Kate always tells people that our marriage is like a “party every day!” And I concur. Everything I do from going to the gym to grocery shopping is 10X more enjoyable with my wife by my side.
Some single people say things along the lines of, “I don’t need marriage for companionship, I have friends for that.” With all due respect to these single folks, you have nothing to compare your level of satisfaction with. I have been single and married, and nothing comes close to the happiness and companionship your wife gives you. Your wife is there in the middle of the night when your worries are keeping you up; she’s there when you get off work and need to unload the frustrations of your day; she’s there to give you a pep talk over the breakfast table on the day you have a big presentation. No matter how loyal a friend is, they’re not family. They move; they ditch you when they have a hot date, they distance themselves when you have a big fight. You and your wife made a vow to be together forever; it’s wonderful to absolutely know that someone has your back come hell or high water.
Marriage Can Be as Happy as You Want It. With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, many men view marriage as too risky a chance to take. But marriage is not a lottery, nor is it a game of Russian roulette. You don’t get married and then cross your fingers that you don’t become one of the statistics. Divorce is not a disease that some people catch and some people have an immunity to. There is no more erroneous idea than that of “falling out of love.” Nobody falls out of love. One or both partners stop working at their relationship and they give up. Be absolutely sure you pick the right woman to marry, someone who will be just as passionately committed to making the marriage work as you are, and your chances of having a happy marriage are nearly 100%
Sources:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,141640,00.html
http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/brwaitgalligher.html
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Thank you for your words of advice, AoM… Being engaged, I’ve suddenly discovered that EVERYONE is an “expert” on relationships, and everyone has warnings. It’s nice to hear the good side of it every now and again.
I’m not yet married, but I thank you for advocating marriage. I see it being increasingly devalued among my generation. I can’t wait for the day I tie the knot. God knew what he was saying when he said it is not good for a man to be alone.
Boy, I hope you have a better reason to get married than because a blog told you to. Being married is great. My wife is my partner in every way. My life with her is way better than my life without her.
But you’re nuts if you get married to the wrong person. You’ll never be happy unless you’re happy with yourself first. You’ll never be happy if you rush into the relationship without being honest with yourself, and your partner.
Marriage is about commitment and communication. Be able to do both.
I really liked your article. I’ve generally felt the “new” way about marriage and your article addresses the doubts and reasons I’ve had about the whole institution. Personally I always equate marriage with beginning a family…basically up until that point it doesn’t actually “matter” if you stay with the same person. I guess I never saw the institution as a route for personal happiness before. Hmmm…….
@loyaleagle
The “married men are healthier” argument is a load of crap. Just because those statistics are true doesn’t mean marriage causes men to be healthier. It’s most likely the case that healthier men get married more easily, come from a background that encourages marriage, and are in a better position in society (employment, wealth, health) to get married.
I love my wife and my relationship. We are truly happy together, but I am not sure any of these are affects of marriage. I think these are all excellent examples of how interdependency can be MUCH more powerful than independence, but directly related to being married? That’s a bit of stretch. Causality vs coincidence can and will always be argued.
That being said, if it works for you, great! Everyone is different and people can excel in all these areas without being married. The institution is not for everyone and I actually would like people to take more time and thought before diving into it – not less.
Great post man. This is a great reminder for married folks as well. It certainly made be appreciate my marriage even more.
Marriage is what you make it. Nobody tells you how to be married. If you think marriage is going to restrict you in some way, how’s that going to happen? Only if you restrict yourself or marry someone who doesn’t agree with you – and why would you do that?
Of course, many people form fulfilling lifetime relationships without getting married but it oftem seems because of some worng preconception about what marriiage is or what it will do to them. Or for some reason, they don’t want their commitment to be announced to anyone else or to be made in front of anyone else.
Marriage makes everything very clear and leaves you to get on with building a life together. The decision to be with someone for ever is a big decision and, it seems to me, is worth marking in a significant way. Certainly you can make this commitment over a cup of coffee or in other ways less formal than buying a TV or getting a job. But I don’t know of a better way than getting married.
I would love to get married! If only my state allowed me and my partner to do so (and thereby enjoy all of these benefits, and the so many others that you didn’t mention), we would get hitched in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, all too many people seem to think that gays and lesbians shouldn’t have the same right to the pursuit of happiness as everyone else. It’s certainly disappointing as a law student myself to be constantly reminded that “equal justice under law” only goes so far . . . .
Why most marriages fail? For the case against marriage, read the book “No Marriage”, http://www.nomarriage.com. It is biassed and somewhat misogynist, but the guy has a point and will make you think.
Sorry to say guys, but this article is not what I hoped it was. Main point of the article is that marriages’ pros outweigh it’s cons. The article listed only pros’ that apply to married men versus single men. Granted that there are certain advantages to getting married, but the article explores no benefits over a normal long term relationship without marriage.
Nick- What did you expect from an article called “The Case For Marriage?”
John- I love the nomarriage website. I truly believe in marriage and I think some of the articles there are so funny and true. Especially the ones that state most American women are spoiled, lazy, and ugly. I’m American and I agree. The best women in this world are from foreign countries in places like Latin America and Eastern Europe. They still have strong values in marriage and believe it’s their duty to be a good wife and take care of their man.
Here’s an excerpt from that site:
“American women have so many privileges, demands and rights that smart men can no longer afford to marry them. You fat American women who think you should be treated like princesses by rich handsome men have priced yourself out of the market.”
While I am not anti-marriage, I am 100% anti young marriage. Wait till you graduate college at least.
In my case, marriage isn’t an option for a while because my career path is one that will travel constantly and work the same.
I will give an AMEN to the GREAT SEX in marriage. Couldn’t be better.
While I can see the wisdom in waiting until you graduate college (so that you aren’t trying to juggle working, college, and adjusting to being married), I am 100% anti-”old” marriage. Not that I’m going to tell people in their 30’s that they should forget about getting married, but rather that I think it’s foolish to choose to wait until you’re 30 to get married.
There are various reasons for this. One of the biggest is that, after a certain point, a woman’s fertility begins to decline. Not only is it harder for her to become pregnant, but the risk of complications and birth defects goes up.
Also, it is psychologically harder for people who have been living on their own for years to adjust to living together. And marriage isn’t exactly like taking on a roommate; for one thing, roommates don’t normally sleep in the same bed.
Anyway, of course, getting married when you’re “old” is better than never getting married at all (unless you want to be a monk), but I’d advise against intentionally waiting that long.
Interesting, but I have to quibble. This article is utter, subjective and roaring tripe from the first syllable to the last smug percentage.
Either the author is looking for any brightness in his own clattering marriage to distract himself from the permanent horrors of the experience, or this article is an offering to his bride to soften her up for a rare shag.
To deal with his points blow by blow, marriage means:
1. Less and poorer sex.
Let’s face it, marriage vitiates sex. It takes one of the most transcendent human experiences and makes it dull. It is perhaps a cosier and more familiar experience, but passion and cosiness are contradictory states. Every ‘happily’ married man will spend the remainder of his life without the thrill and mystery of a new woman, and the ecstatic highs that are only possible with passion. He’ll spending a lifetime mounting her without the butterflies or shiver down his back, like a mountaineer permanently restricted to one ever-subsiding hill.
His only remaining highs will be the isolated births of his children or that guilty moment he finally cheats on her.
Marriage removes a man forever from the sublime and damns him to a soap opera.
2. Less money.
Marriage is a staggering waste of money. Absurd amounts of money are squandered on bedspreads, jewellery, or any other of her dainty pretensions. It cripples a man’s spending power with the burden of a huge new set of responsibilities and demands.
3. Far worse health.
…because a married man lets himself go. This may be laziness, but marriage habituates a man to laziness. When everything is expected and sure, nothing has to be worked for. Married men get fatter quicker, take less trouble over their appearances and suffer all the ugly consequences of reaching a plateau. It’s often seen that when a man retires, his life, mind and body will quickly wither. Similarly, when a man marries, he pays a terrible physical penalty for moving into a lower gear. On top of that, the extra responsibilities that come with having a wife and children compound ordinary stress in terrible ways. A single man who loses a job has to worry about looking after just one person.
4. A faker smile.
By the beginning of the second decade of marriage, all expressions of joy are hollow and false. A husband becomes so used to papering over his bleak lot with false smiles, he quite forgets the prompt for a genuine one – until that day he catches one suddenly blooming over his face at the thought of the girl in the coffee shop who smiled at him, like a violet at the end of a long winter.
An unmarried man means it when he smiles and has more to smile about. Contrast this with the frequent heartfelt smile of the man untrammelled by any nagging, stale lump of wife.
5. Marriage is far more miserable than you could possibly want or imagine.
Worse than miserable, marriage is flat and predictable. It is the mould of all routines and hurries life by in ever less cosy circles. Marriage is also the death of ambition. It’s commonly remarked that the bright careers of many young scientists are dimmed by marriage, and the bird who has found a mate has less to sing about.
To these let me add one other very compelling dimension.
6. Marriage is an inexcusable waste of time.
Besides the time haemorrhaged on her manias and ridiculous pursuits, a wife very often comes with a huge extended family her husband is obliged to perennially court. A wife makes it a duty for a man to waste precious time on vile tedious people he would never consider socialising with in any other walk of life.
Probably the best way to consider this question is to compare marriage with work. The man who signs a lifetime contract with the first job he likes is considered unambitious, unimaginative, mediocre, timid. Pursuing a similar course with a woman is no greater evidence of manhood.
In fact, marriage is the negation of manhood.
I predict for the author a morning, perhaps many years away, but already guaranteed, when he opens his eyes and ears next to the stinking carcass of his love and rues the years he’s lost in this blinkered, dreary, cramped and absurd little box – marriage.
As is this post.
Your bitter unfulfilled life is no excuse for spewing your vitriol everywhere.
@dominic charles – Maybe you just married the wrong person. My marriage isn’t perfect (whose is?), but it’s very good.
John (#2)
@Nick-
Both the stats on sex and the stats on health do compare married men with those in long term relationships. Those in long term relationships do not enjoy either the sex or health benefits of married couples. I’m not sure we made that clear.
@Nesagwa –
Nor is it an excuse to bash someone who has a different opinion.
@Tom-
It is one thing to respectfully disagree and have a different opinion. It is yet another to imply that my motivation for writing this post is to distract from the horrors of my marriage or to soften my wife up for sex, or to refer to marriage as “worse than miserable,” and “the negation of manhood.” and to a man’s love as a “nagging, stale lump of wife” and “a stinking carcass.” That’s not gentlemanly disagreement, that’s bitter vitriol.
I’d like to shout out to Jeff in support regarding gay marriage. I’m an ally and don’t really feel comfortable getting married when I know others cannot.
That said, if a pretty lady suckers me into it, my principals may go to the wind.
@Brett –
Ah tu-che! I wasn’t trying to defend the insult to you and your wife, that was a jab that wasn’t needed. Just the rest of his point tis all. I myself am a big fan of marriage, but like discussions that go to both sides of a spectrum. My apologies for not being clear in my defense of his/her point.
P.S. Now that I have your attention, big fan of the site by the way!
Like everyone said, marriage isn’t perfect. Anyone who said being married will lead to everything good is probably delusional. BUT, marriage does provide stability and peace of mind. If both man and woman take the marriage seriously, it also forces them to grow up quickly. That’s good for everyone.
It saddens me when statistics say at least 40% of marriages in the US ends in divorce. We really should put responsibility back into marriage, and not make it a casual thing.
Thank you for this article. As others have said, we’re often presented with a very negative view of marriage – to hear your experience, and the stats, say otherwise is a breath of fresh air.
@Dominic: I’m very sorry that this is the impression you have of marriage, but to accuse all women of ‘dainty pretensions’ and the like is really throwing the baby out with the bathwater! There are some really cool ladies out there, and I hope you find one.
Love the article! It certainly reflects the growth that I’ve been able to see in my own life as a married man.
One thing I’d like to point out is the whole “50% of marriages end in divorce” stat…it needs clarification. I hate statistics, personally (unless of course I agree with them), but I’m willing to go with the 50% thing here. 50% of ALL marriages, including – or a better word here might be ESPECIALLY – marriages that are not the first time for both people.
I’ve read that when you look at two people who are getting married for the first time each, the stayed-married rate is upwards of 76%. Sadly, I can’t give a source on that right now, so take it with a grain of salt…like I said, I hate stats, lack of (credible) sources being one of the main reasons.
@Jim: lies, damned lies, and statistics, and all that.
Or, “90% of statistics are made up on the spot”?
Anyway, I didn’t read most of Mr. Bitter’s post, but one thing stuck out to me: his claim that married men are unhealthy and lazy. While I’ve heard that men tend to gain weight after marriage (eating all that good food the wife cooks!), my experience so far has been the opposite. Since getting married, I have lost weight and haven’t felt healthier in a long time! And I give the credit to this directly to my wife: she’s been reading up on healthy eating, and, as a result, we’ve been eating well. And, by eating well, I mean steak instead of hamburger.
At the same time, I can understand where some of the bitterness comes from. For one thing, our society seems to consider selfishness a virtue, and selfishness in marriage only results in bitterness and strife. Women are raised to believe that it is a betrayal of their womanhood to sacrifice their wants for a man, and men are raised to believe it is a betrayal of their manhood to sacrifice their wants for a woman. If a man (I can’t speak to the woman’s perspective here) gives up a night with the guys because his wife wants him to spend time with her, he risks the guys saying he’s “henpecked.”
That’s not a downside to being married, though; that’s a downside to our society.
Just to build on what Jim said regarding this stat, “the divorce rate hovering around 50%” — this is the rate of marriages, not married people. In other words, some people get married and divorced several times, driving up this statistic, while others stay happily married for their whole lives.
@Nick
The whole point of this article and the stats (freely available at http://marriage.rutgers.edu ) is that they do contrast marriage with cohabitation and single life. While there is certainly room for discussion, 90% of the scientific research out there supports the idea that marriage is the best thing for a man, and that marriage increases a man’s life span 4 – 7 years, and increases the likelihood of happiness.
– @Sherwin –
Sherwin, again, see the Rutgers University stats on marriage. Men who are married generally see their incomes increase after they are married and reduce high risk health behaviors after marriage.
The unfortunate, knee-jerk reaction by modern men to marriage is really too bad. If people would take a look at the evidence instead of listening to what is popular, then this wouldn’t be an issue.
For what it’s worth, I was married at 21, my wife was 19, and we’re going on 7 years married. I’m wealthier now than I was then, we’re both healthier (I exercise more and eat better), and our sex life is amazing.
power to anyone who is happily married! but i have to question a few of your arguments:
more money – i know that your statistics are true, but it doesn’t make a case for marriage in my mind. if it were that marriage causes you to have more money, then sure, but it seems to me much more likely that more money increases the likelihood of getting married, for cultural and logistic reasons.
as for better health, it is well documented that more money is correlated to better health, so i am equally uncertain that this can be called a good effect of marriage.
that said, all the studies i’ve seen on the matter show that married men tend to be happier than single men (unfortunately, the same ones show that women tend to be less happy married than single).
Marriage, as an institution, is continuously undermined by the popular culture. I am personally very satisfied with what marriage has to offer. My wife and I have been together since 1996 and have been married for 9 1/2 years. Yes, there have been ups and downs, but I’m better off with her than without her in almost every way. Ditto for her family, and the family we’ve created together.
The critical piece of advice is that you ought to have a set of selection criteria in mind. I didn’t. I got very lucky. Many men and women who haven’t planned ahead end up in the wrong marriage.
Good article. its refreshing to hear this kind of good, solid stuff these days.
I am skeptical of these statistics. The alternate possibility for these numbers that fellow commentors have brought up seem plausible. Frankly, I see little benefit in a marriage over a long-term relationship. There are government granted benefits. I think that marriage is largely about two things. One is children. I believe marriage to be best for the healthy raising of children. Two is security. Both financial and emotional. Another added benefit to marriage that I see is really best explained by a Simpsons episode. In this episode, it is discovered that Homer is great at breaking people up. He starts doing it for his friends, and eventually, everyone in Springfield. At the end of the episode Homer and Marge discuss whether that was ethical. He made break-ups so easy that people began to break up at the slightest problem and everyone wound up unhappy. The analogy to marriage is that marriage gives a relationship a little more support. If one were to get into a fight with a girlfriend, I feel that he would be more inclined to break up with her rather than in a marriage they might try harder to make it work. Maybe because it is much more of a big deal in society to get a divorce than to break up with a girl/boyfriend, in addition to this divorces can be long and painful.
Again, people are confusing cause and effect. You are earning more money now because you have more experience in your job. It does not have anything to do with the fact that you are married. Take a 21 year old and compare him to a 30 year old in the same industry – 99 times out of 100, the 30 year old will be making more money.
Also, that Rutgers University site is clearly biased towards pro-marriage. Not that that’s wrong – just something to keep in mind when reading their research.
Back to the article. It makes a good case for marriage but we have to realise that marriage is different all over the world.
What does this mean?
It tells us that marriage is not a natural thing. It is cultural and often based on religion. So since marriage is not natural, it is unreasonable to expect that getting married would be the best scenario for everybody.
“Back to the article. It makes a good case for marriage but we have to realise that marriage is different all over the world.
What does this mean?
It tells us that marriage is not a natural thing. It is cultural and often based on religion. So since marriage is not natural, it is unreasonable to expect that getting married would be the best scenario for everybody.”
Marriage, with the exception of a few pockets of polygamy, is essentially the same all over the world these days. Yes, it hasn’t always been a man and a woman, and yes before it was more about a property exchange than about love, but what I find really interesting, is that since the 1960’s there have been plenty of people who have challenged the idea of marriage being natural. But it’s never really caught on. Something like 90% of people will get married in their life….Christian people, Muslim people, agnostic people, atheist people. Do they get married just because society expects them to? No, I think people naturally want to be paired off exclusively with another person. The greatest evidence of this is the gay marriage movement. If any sub-culture could have chucked marriage as being unnatural and simply opted for long-term relationships without that label, it would have been the gay community. But gays want to get married too. Again, I think it’s the most natural thing in the world to to be paired off with someone exclusively, to want a loyal partner for life and to make it official.
This is a good post and everything in it is true.. sort of. What’s important is to not confuse corollation with causality. To be clear, you cannot prove that marriage is the reason for all this improvements in various life statistics. Indeed, you could argue that those capable or more prone to achieving the health, wealth and other factors above are inherently more attractive as mates and hence are more likely to get married.
Said differently, if you are healthier, wealthier, and smile more than the average man, you are more likely to get married… Which is it? No one can say for sure…
I am excited to get married someday. However, I’d like to throw out a few things that are probably keeping men from getting married and are worth consideration. Both have to do, actually, with divorce:
1. Child custody: The woman seems to always get the kids. I know a couple, where the wife cheated on the husband, and the husband tried to reconcile, but the wife insisted on divorce. The wife still got the kids. Sickening.
2. Spousal support: It’s understandable in some, or, many, cases. However, why would I want to get married if I’m faced with a 50% chance of giving huge chunks of money to someone who cheated on me for the rest of my career? Sickening.
@Matt So, just the fact that different cultures have differences in their views of marriage means that marriage is unnatural? You’re really reaching there. What about the fact that, oh, it just so happens that every culture has some concept of marriage? Sure, some may allow plural marriages whereas others are monogamous, but they still see a value in marriage.
@Evan You have feminism to thank for that. Somehow, our society has come to see women as the victims in almost every situation, and men are almost always the oppressors. If a woman cheats on her husband, the husband probably did something to cause it.
@dominiccharles -
your comment is the only thing worth reading on this entire post, I couldnt possibly agree more. THANK YOU for your “vitriol” and knife-edged wit. Well said.
the rest of you pathetic defenders of marriage will, in time, come to see what he’s talking about. and then there was light.
and the “gentlemanly” thing to do is TELL THE TRUTH. ALL THE TIME. which is what my new hero dominiccharles has done here.
@Kate –
“Both the stats on sex and the stats on health do compare married men with those in long term relationships. Those in long term relationships do not enjoy either the sex or health benefits of married couples.”
So what is it about the ring on someone’s finger that makes them healthier? Do married couples have a better sex life because their marriage certificate turns them on? Correlation does not equal causation.
It’s a shame that this article was so antagonistic in tone (e.g. “nearly all of the true advantages of marriage apply only to actual married couples, not those couples living together”). Surely the author could see how that is offensive? This could have been a brilliant article if it had been about the importance and benefits of loving one woman and staying true to her, which is, after all, the whole point of any marriage – common law or not.
After the utter tripe that was the “all real men own guns” article and now this I have decided to unsubscribe.
To take this in a different direction, I’d like to add that marriage is not something to be entered into lightly. Marriage was intended from the beginning to be a lifelong comittment. Sadly, divorce has made it a contract that can be negotiated or broken and thrown away. Don’t get married if you are not prepared to give up your own desires and put someone else above yourself.
That being said, I am firmly convinced after being married 4 1/2 years (and we dated for 3 years beforehand and had a 1 1/2 year engagement) that marriage is not something to do if you are selfish. Don’t get married if you are expecting to recieve everything (sex, service, submission) instead you must be willing to give.
I am convinced that the marriages that fail are mostly due to lack of satisfaction because they expected more than what they got. But sadly, it is usually because they did not put in all that they could. Marriage is like a fire; if you do not keep feeding it it will die out. You feed it by constantly working at marriage to get better and better.
Most importantly, I wanted to add that love is not just a feeling. Feelings come and go (like happiness, anger, sadness, etc.). True love is a comittment. I am going to get my wife a glass of water at 3 in the morning because I am comitted not because I ‘feel’ like it. If you go based on your feelings you are going to be disappointed in marriage 10 times out of 10.
As has been pointed out, most of the “pro” arguments for marriage are explained away by other causes. That said, even if many marriages are good, that doesn’t mean you will have a good marriage. Marriage, like most things, is individualized. I found, for example, that I valued my independence much more than the benefits my marriage brought. I am still good friends with my ex, but I’m much happier single and intend to stay that way permanently.
That said, realize that a wrong decision can be devastating. I know plenty of men (and women) who are in stifling, soul-killing marriages and feel trapped due to kids, finances, fear of change, etc. I pity these empty shells, and wonder what they’d have to say about the statistics presented. Remember, 50% of marriages end in divorce, and many of the rest are bad or just two people living together, so the average man is more likely to regret his marriage than appreciate it, statistically speaking.
The point is, before you get married, know who you and your potential spouse are and what each of you want and expects. Marriage is a lot of work in the best situation — and you need to be mentally in the game. If you’re the type of person that enjoys having someone around at all times and feels the need to settle down (emphasis on “settleâ€), then it might be for you. If you’re comfortable alone and appreciate doing what you want when you want to do it, then I’d caution you to think twice before tempting the gods.
“It’s a shame that this article was so antagonistic in tone (e.g. “nearly all of the true advantages of marriage apply only to actual married couples, not those couples living togetherâ€). Surely the author could see how that is offensive?”
It was not meant to be offensive as it is simply a statement of fact. In numerous studies, the advantages in health, sex, money, and happiness are found among married couples, and not among long-term relationships sans marriage. Yes, causation does not equal correlation, but something is definitively going on. What is your argument against causation? Is there any proof that healthier, happier, hard working people have a greater propensity to get married? That would be the argument against causation, but then that would mean that those who are not inclined to marriage are generally less happy, less healthy, and less hard working…which certainly would not speak well of them.
So why would marriage as opposed to long term relationships create these benefits? There are numerous theories…..companionship makes you happier and that boosts your immune system and makes you healthier, married companions have a great stake in having their partner live to 100, and thus take care of them and make sure they see the doctor, married couples have committed themselves completely to one another and thus have the security to have great sex, try new things, and carry out their fantasies, married couples know they will be together for life and thus set up their finances to budget for the long term, and in general, long-term, live in couples still know they may break up, that it’s not permanent. And so and so on.
I don’t remember an “all real men own guns” article. But at any rate, farewell.
Hmmmm, don’t these arguments support arranged marriages and polygamy as well?
Centenial: regarding the 50% of all marriages end in divorce statistic, I believe that was discussed earlier in the thread. Taking the statement at face value indicates that 50% of *all*, including second, third, etc., marriages end in divorce. I wonder what that number would be if we only considered first marriages. I seem to recall coming across a study once that found that second or third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages.
Anyway, I do think it is terribly important to consider who you are intending to marry. I had a teacher in high school once who made the point, “Guys, if you marry a girl before you’ve known her for at least 3 years, you deserve everything you get.” Her reasoning was that people can hide a lot about themselves, but it’s harder to hide everything for 3 years. Sooner or later that temper, or selfishness, or whatnot is going to come out.
Of course, this time should not be spent with your eyes blinded by your heart. Only after you’re married should love be blind (and, if you are marrying someone you trust, that shouldn’t be a scary concept).
CZ: The numbers I’ve seen state that 40% of first marriages end in divorce and 70% of later marriages. Perhaps you see 40% as an acceptable risk, but I would imagine that many right-thinking people don’t.
The fact is that even if you do vet your significant other for several years, you can’t guarantee a successful relationship. I have a friend who dated a nice guy for 4 years and then got married. The week after he got married it was like a switch had been flipped — he became verbally and physically abusive and she quickly got out of the marriage. My ex-wife’s attitude changed quite a bit after we were married (mostly because we immediately moved to a big city that she was unused to). I also know a few people who, over time, changed their priorities as people will do. All of the sudden, they’re not walking lock-step with their spouse and problems arise.
If someone is getting married because there is some generalized study that they will live longer and be happier, then they deserve what they get. It may take a special person to get married and stay married successfully, but it also takes a special person to value being a free agent.
Well, I tried it twice, failed at it twice, and currently am in a 10-year “relationship” where we don’t cohabit or even have “slumber parties”.
I’ll never marry again. how’s that old saw go? “Fool me Once…”?
You’re right that marriage is good for our health-for men’s health. Women who are divorced, widowed or (even better) have never been married live an average of 3-8 years longer than women who are married.
@James – I really liked what what you said. Regardless if you are for the institution or against it, if you get married, you must remember to put the other person before you. It sounds trivial, but this is the core to making it work. AND, we must remember that putting them first does not make you less of a man or a woman – at all.
On the people against marriage, I actually agree with many of your points. But I would suggest to keep any personal attacks away from this discussion. This site is a blog – they are not authorities on anything. They simply like to write, share their thoughts, and have great conversation on the subjects.
I don’t want to speak for the authors, and I hope they would concur, but they are NOT experts on this subject or manliness in general. If they do actually believe this, they don’t get it. However, they do write well, have some good opinions and encourage people to push the conversation forward with their comments – whether you agree with them or not. This is really the purpose of the site and personal attacks are meaningless…