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Nice Guys Don’t Have to Finish Last
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Welcome back! Enjoy your stay, and don't forget to man up!
Image from KeelyE
Oftentimes, when a man sees yet another bombshell on the arm of a dude who from all appearances is a complete d-bag, he is compelled to shake his fist at the sky and wonder if there is any justice in the world. “What does she see in him?” he asks in exasperation.
The poser of this question is often a self-proclaimed “nice guy” who doesn’t understand why men of his breed so often seem to finish last while the moronic tools of the world get the girl. To him it seems that his niceness is at the root of the problem, somehow repelling women who inexplicably prefer to date jerks. But the problem is not that this man is a nice guy, but that he’s allowed niceness to travel down the slippery slope into weinerdom.
Too many men use their niceness as a cover for the fact that they’re in fact insecure. It’s this lack of confidence and swagger that kills their chances with the ladies, not their well-mannered ways. Men often set up a false dichotomy. You can either be an arrogant jack ass or a demure nice guy. But there is a middle a ground, the combination women are truly looking for: the extremely confident gentlemen.
Diagnosing the problem
While men and women are outwardly quite civilized these days, imprinted on their genes are thousands of years of evolutionary experience, hard wiring from our nomadic hunter/gatherer days. Such wiring leads our genders to prefer certain things in the other. Men seek out young, big breasted, wide hipped women not simply because they’re shallow, but because a man’s inner caveman looks to these characteristics as signs that a woman can produce numerous and healthy progeny. And women look to big, strong, confident men because somewhere deep inside they seek the protection and security those characteristic once provided in primitive society.
So where does that leave the scrawny guy? Banging his head against the cave wall? Must he labor to become a beefcake to attract the ladies? For him, happily not. The need to be physically strong, while still very desirable to many women, is definitely not the deal-breaker it was for our ancient ancestors. Yet the female desire for strength has not dissipated; instead, it has largely shifted to a man’s inner appeal. You don’t have to be a man gorilla to win a woman’s heart, but you do have to be one supremely confident dude. And fortunately, this is within the reach of any man.
Become the Supremely Confident Gentleman
Be a leader and a decision maker-not a push-over. Yes, couples are equal partners in our modern society. Yes, men should absolutely respect a woman’s viewpoint and a couple should strive to make decisions together. But for a lot of men, female empowerment means shirking responsibility and decision making all together. A man doesn’t want to seem like a sexist pig, so he goes to the other extreme and constantly defers everything to his girlfriend. No matter how liberated she is, no woman wants to wear the pants all the time. She doesn’t want to be the one who takes care of every single thing. She wants you to take charge sometimes. The reason women sometimes go for total jerks is that they’re usually take charge kind of guys.
Be ambitious. Primitive women wanted to land the tribe’s alpha male, as these men were more likely to be the best providers for their young. You may no longer need to prove to your lady that you can spear a wooly mammoth, but you still need to show her that you’re an alpha male, or at least you’re working towards that goal. If you’re an insurance salesman, be a top notch salesman. If you’re a corporate guy, show her that you’re working your way up to the corner office.
Some men think women are vain and are simply interested in a man’s prestige because it translates into more money coming in. But the heart of this attraction is not the number of shoes she can buy, but the feeling of security a nice salary can bring. Every woman, at some level, wants to feel taken care of.
Have a cool man skill or hobby. Men often have a single-minded fixation on a hobby or interest, and these man passions are really attractive and intriguing to women. I’m not talking about being passionate about collecting Star Wars action figures. I’m talking about being really into music and being able to turn your girlfriend on to new bands and burn her CD’s you think she’ll love. I’m talking about woodworking, and showing your lady your workshop where you make oak tables and chairs.
Whether it’s being really into playing a sport, being able to cook well, being passionate about your volunteer work, or being an excellent photographer, all of these things are attractive to women. Not only does it make you seem interesting and unique, women also like bragging to their friends about it. “Ted made me that chair you’re sitting in.” “Wait until you try Brad’s eggplant parmesan.” Remember, women want to feel like they’ve found a good catch, a man respected by men and envied by women. Napoleon Dynamite was right. Girls like guys with skills.
Be supremely confident about your relationship. A woman wants to feel like you could have had your pick of any woman in the room and you chose her. Thus, she doesn’t want to feel like you are awestruck by the fact that she actually went out with you. Never act dumbfounded when she says yes to things like a second date or a kiss. Don’t ramble on about how women like her never say yes to you, and how you weren’t going to even approach her because you thought she was out of your league. Don’t constantly express your worry that you might lose her.
It’s okay to tell her what a really lucky guy you are and that you feel blessed that you met her, for this simply signals that you are grateful that your paths crossed, not that you’re freakin’ amazed she was interested in you. Always act like you knew she would say yes and you knew she would fall in love with you from the beginning. There’s was never any doubt in your mind. Because you’re the man, and why wouldn’t she fall for you? It’s not about being arrogant, it’s about being completely confident in what you have to offer a woman.
Be supremely confident and comfortable in your own skin. A supreme confidence in yourself can cover a multitude of sins. Even if you haven’t attained alpha male status anywhere in your life, simply being secure with yourself will endear you to women. If you’re a little homely, never let on that you think so. If you’re a little quirky, act like those quirks make you the coolest man in the room. Witness the curious case of the strange and unattractive starving artist. He doesn’t have the looks, the brawn, or the money. But women flock to him because a) he’s got a cool man skill, b) he’s mysterious, and c) he’s completely comfortable in his skin and couldn’t give a rat’s behind what people think about him. Radiate the fact that you are wholly and completely your own man. Being aloof from criticism or insecurities is an essential and attractive man quality to cultivate.
Any other suggestions? Don’t agree? Drop a line in the comment box.
Hat tip to Pete’s Wife for inspiring some of the ideas in this post. For more advice on how to attract the ladies, check out her post in the forum.
Its very nice to see your page. It really helps men to rethink about their attitude. It sounds too positive for the readers that they can gain lot of confidence with such tips. Thank you!
Humble confidence is the brass ring, baby.
On a dating site, I read a journal post from a woman recommending that nice guys read Dr. Robert Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. In it, he dispels the “nice guy” attitude. At first, i thought I was one of those guys. Turns out, that I may have picked up some of those habits but I do not think I made the entire plunge. I am working towards being my own and the AoM is definitely helping out there.
One of THE best recommendations Dr. Glover makes is to find more male friends.
As a woman, I have to say this advice is pretty dead on. Guys don’t need to become “pick-up artists” or use icky lines and “open sets.” They just need to be cool and confident.
Yes, that’s it, Brett. Women in general love strength and confidence *and* they love to be loved. They shouldn’t have to settle either for confident jerks or nice nonentities. The former treats her wrong because he’s focused on himself, and the latter lets others treat her wrong, because he’s focused on himself. Better the strong gentleman who will put that energy to making her life a delight. What a deal!
I like this article, and generally agree. Thing is, most of it seems to be targeted toward a man who already HAS a woman in his life, while the intro suggests that the article is for men who currently don’t and wonder why.
I wish there were a feminine version of this site, because the situations can be reversed. What do you do if you’re a -woman- and you see a decent guy with the female equivalent of a “complete d-bag” on his arm and you “shake your fist at the sky and wonder if there’s any justice in this world”? Not that I’VE ever experienced that, of course.
9 times out of 10 the “hot girl who goes for the d-bag” is a vacant-eyed bimbo, or a d-bag herself. Nice guys are better off without them. Nice girls who are interesting, maybe even a ittle nerdy, don’t go for jerks, but they don’t advertise either.
Also, girl who is into Star Wars action figures = girlfriend jackpot!
Excellent article and right on the money! i wish someone had given me this advice a long time ago.
Dance, most other men out there are afraid to get out on the dance floor for fear of looking stupid. You’ll look stupid when you going home at the end of the night without a woman on your arm …AGAIN! Women like to dance, and at least like men who’ll try to dance. I’m a crap dancer, but 9 out of 10 times the very fact I’m out there shaking my ass has gotten me the attention from some fine looking woman.
I would just like to add that Wow, Warhamer, or Magic does not count as “a cool man skill or hobby.”
I’m convinced that once most women get married, have a few rugrats, goes through a messy divorce, and is then over the age of 35 and no one wants her anymore because her looks and beauty are gone, all of a sudden she wants to have the nice guy. But by the time that happens, the nice guy is married to the bad girl and probably getting ready to go through a divorce which will turn him into a d-bag. I think it’s why older women date younger guys and vice versa.
This is probably the best analysis of what my girlfriends and I call “Nice Guy Syndrome” that I have ever seen. Guys, please pay attention to this!
I guarantee that if you aren’t getting or keeping dates, it isn’t because you’re too “nice.” It’s because women can tell that you aren’t confident, and that aura of insecurity is a complete deal-breaker.
And I’ve been on enough wretched first dates with “Nice Guys” to know that of which I speak.
Eric B, you’re absolutely right. But the nice guy takes a look at the d-bag woman and wants her because he is more inclined to be attracted to the type of woman that is unobtainable or emotionally unavailable. The cake’s a lie!
Guys - seriously - be able to make a decision and have a plan together.
Sometimes, it’s great to talk over what we’re going to do on a date.
Sometimes, it would be really nice to be presented with a plan put together by you and you alone. (Of course, make sure that activities are mutually acceptable. Going to a Star Wars convention when your lady could care less about it? Bad plan.)
And, 9 out of 10 women honestly think “being taken care of” is heaven on earth. They’re tired of having to find the plumber, balance the checkbook, arrange for auto repair, etc. in addition do doing all the “girl jobs” that guys don’t want to do either.
Hmmm…is this article aimed for men who desire a pretty little thing, staying home with the kids, cleaning and cooking? No wonder this country is so far behind in closing the gap btw men and women in terms of equality.
Nice post but was just wonder. How do you go about getting a divorce like man? Maybe this question shouldnt be attached to this post. But it just came to mind.
Jake: your idea of equality is honorable and fair and I salute you for it (seriously). However, Mother Nature is neither fair nor honorable, and success with women sadly means following her rules.
Back to the topic, the best advice I can think of is for every man to sort his own affairs out before he even thinks about women. Once you know what you want out of life and how to get it, and you have a reasonable degree of financial stability, you’ll exude confidence. When you have that confidence, you’ll be beating them off with a stick.
YES!!!! THANK you!
Especially right on with the point about confidence in your relationship. I have definitely experienced this, and I have to say, acting desperate or awestruck is a MUCH bigger turn-off than nerdiness, or skinniness, or coke-bottle glasses, or even the lack of a decent job, for exactly the reason you gave about the artist. If a guy acts amazed that I would go out with him, of course I’m going to doubt whether I should be going out with him.
If I’m going to be a fairy tale princess to him, I want to be able to see him as my prince too, which means he needs to see himself that way.
as a convert from the previous to the latter described in this post, i can say you’re bang on. i possessed each of these items, but it wasn’t until i actively started cultivating and highlighting these traits that i found my (now) wife.
Jake: I do not consider myself to be a future “pretty little thing, staying home with the kids and cooking and cleaning,” - in fact, while I do want kids, I plan to pursue my own interests and have a teaching career while raising a family, because I value my intellectual pursuits and goals very very highly - but I agreed wholeheartedly with every point made. “Being taken care of” doesn’t mean that I want to be a silly weak little girl who’s never able to solve her own problems. It means that when I’m tired of solving problems all day, I can curl up next to my strong man for a little bit and not worry about anything for a while. Because while I’m competent, and I like being competent, I also really like being a woman, and thus I want a man who is a real man.
Jake, (and Mary Catherine, who in slapping down Jake also managed to diss “staying home with the kids and cooking and cleaning”): give us traditional stay-at-home moms a break, would you? We manage to lead fullfilling, intellectually stimulating lives in spite of the fact that our husbands are the bread-winning heads of households. Sheesh…it seems everybody missed what should have been the point of the women’s equality movement: to allow women the freedom to choose the roles they will play in life, whatever they may feel called to do. The point was not to turn women into men, and should not have been to eradicate the traditional female role. A real man will appreciate a traditional woman whose goal is to stay home to raise their kids and run their household, and a real woman will be comfortable with the fact that we exist.
Can anyone say, “Bond, James Bond” Seriously, I am convinced that Sean Connery had the formula (if it can be called that) figured out and down cold.
I love the tip of taking on manly hobbies or aquiring skills. I tell my readers this all of the time. If you want to be an interesting person… lead an intersting life.
Passion is also key.
The more passionate you are about other areas of your life.. the more attractive you become. Women want men who don’t need them to be happy. Find your happiness in other areas.. and the women will find you.
Confidence is by far the most attractive thing in a man! I just wrote about it last week and I am glad to see someone else putting it out there because it is the best thing a guy can do for himself, GAIN CONFIDENCE! If you believe you are the best, so will she!
xoxo~
The “Be supremely confident about your relationship.” is what I found hardest to swallow. I’m totally the “freakin’ amazed she was interested in you” guy, unfortunately. I also might have some insecurities…not too much more than the next guy, I suppose. They aren’t too bad, either.
Overall, I liked this a lot. I’ll be posting it on my own blog here. Very thought-provoking. On the other hand, I’m just curious; is this based on opinion or any sources at all?
Spencer
@Ann - WoW isn’t a manly skill?!? Really? Damn, I’ve been trying so hard too :p
Heh … I feel like printing this out and reading it every morning before I leave for work. It definitely wants to make me step back and evaluate myself from an objective point of view, and I can’t say I’m doing things right. Sheesh, bummer :p
But I should point out that a lot of insecurites and lack of confidence are things that develop in teenage years (think nerdy class reject), and those are often the most difficult things to get over.
extremely interesting, well written opinion. reality is, none knows.
A very inspiring post for ‘nice’ guys who understand that modern day relationships still work at a primitive, sub-conscious level. Great blog overall!
A truly great article. Thanks!
I’m a 20 year old in college and I’ve never had what you would call a girlfriend. I am aware of my lack of confidence, and that I’m much like the “nice guy”. It’s really hard for me to change this, but being aware is the first step, right? I wish I knew what the next step is, after trying to change my attitude. I like the earlier responses about making guy friends.
While building confidence is a big part, it’s not possible without positive reinforcement. Women can be cruel to themselves about things, but they can be equally as cruel to guys that aren’t confident. While it’s mostly on the guy’s shoulders, the women themselves play a part in a man gaining confidence. I’m confident now, but I remember many times while I was trying to become confident I was shot down, and it made me want to give up.
Women, when you do happen upon a guy who is not confident, don’t laugh at him and walk away. Give some constructive criticism. That’s what it took for me. I found a woman who gave me some pointers (and in the process, became my best friend), and now I actually get asked out more than I ask women out. I’ve been in an excellent relationship for 2 years now, and she says the biggest things she likes about me is my confidence to handle situations and my guitar skills.
Don’t forget about skills, especially musical!
A good example of the type of guy a woman wants (At least around the Minnesota area) is Dr. House. He is very confident (To the point of being an ass), but when he’s alone he plays the piano.
Very good post. 2 thumbs up.
God, I wish I read this article when I was in high school/college. This is some really great stuff.
This is actually very accurate, I’m impressed. I’ve tried to explain this myself a time or two, but I was never able to articulate it this well!
2 other points:
*Self proclaimed ‘nice guys’ aren’t always as such. I’ve dated a few, and can tell you that they can manage to be just as big a jerk as the more obvious choices for the term. With the added ‘ouch’ of the girl not seeing it coming.
*Most girls LOVE to be proved wrong. No, not about silly details or in arguments. i mean when they expect the worst, because it so often happens, and instead you ‘man up’ and act like a gentleman, or go above-and-beyond the call of duty. It’s challenging and exciting and makes us re-evaluate you- in the best way possible.
Thanks for the great post!
Tory
@Ann - I have to agree that those shouldn’t count as skills (and I’m not a fan of the games myself) but, I heard the other day, that almost 50% of the people playing WoW were girls. I’m not sure whether to believe it or not, but obviously, for some girls, it might be the thing, though as a general rule, NOT.
@Spiegal - “A good example of the type of guy a woman wants (At least around the Minnesota area) is Dr. House. He is very confident (To the point of being an ass), but when he’s alone he plays the piano.”
Might I point out that nobody actually marries House? And it they do, they get the hell out of there pretty early on? Sure, we might “want” him, maybe even enough to dust off the ole’ one night stand, but notice how there are no emotionally stable, thoroughly grown up women standing in line to put up with his crap long term. Because most of us learned the hard way that soulful piano playing really *doesn’t* make up for being as ass.
here’s an article i wrote exposing the myth of the ‘nice guy’.
“Is The Nice Guy really nice? Let’s find out”
http://manhood101.com/fem3.html
enjoy
“Being aloof from criticism or insecurities is an essential and attractive man quality to cultivate.”
This is interesting and helpful advice. While I’ve learned over time to be aloof around women so as not to seem desperate, and not to take occasional rejection from females as a major blow, I hadn’t learnt as much about shrugging off the direct criticisms of others, especially family members, some of whom have only recently ceased to criticize me non-stop. In the last few years, I’ve finally begun standing up more to naysayers and “backseat drivers” trying to mold my opinions and actions to their whims, but I still take criticism to heart more than I’d like. Always room for improvement, I guess.
Thanks for the great article!
You know, there’s nothing wrong with your generalizations….. except that you fail to note that they’re generalizations.
Take, for example, your idea that men must ooze confidence to get a girl. Absolutely not true. It’s definitely easier, but it isn’t necesary. It all depends on the girl you are after.
My boyfriend, for example, is suicidally depressed, has major self-esteem issues, can’t decide what he wants to do with his life, has trouble making decisions, gives up easily, and is not very strong physically. He’s also got a tendency to act almost worshipfully to women (which, as a proponent of actual gender equality, I do not find pleasing). Sounds like he’d have a hell of a lot of trouble finding a girl, right?
Well, no. In the right place, he was actually the center of some social struggling and backstabbing as everyone tried to get their hands on him. Know why? Because he’s smart, he’s romantic, has a great ass (something girls look for, too!), and many girls find shy boys adorable. He ended up with me because we have very similar interests (mythology and Dungeons & Dragons top the list!) and really hit it off when we met. The fact that he’s got major emotional troubles doesn’t bother me- I’ve got problems, too. I want a guy I can take care of every bit as much as I want a guy who can take care of me.
Showing a little bit of vulnerability can actually be a good thing. Everyone, male and female, likes to feel helpful, and loves to be looked up to. If there’s some area where your girlfriend/wife can be the expert, the one you look to for help, it makes her feel good about herself.
But the point I really want to make is that there are plenty of girls out there who are ready and willing to fall in love with guys who are not perfect. The trick is not to hide your flaws, it’s to emphasize your strengths and your personality. I became interested in my boyfriend for his interests, and I fell in love with him because of who he is, not in spite of his flaws.
@Tory - I agree with you…even I like when the guy dating me impresses me with her intelligence…though I always want him to listen me during arguments but I always like the men who have their opinion in things and can help me…
Well…its a nice post and I can tell the guys reading this…I completely endorse it …
What I think happens sometimes with these NICE GUYS is…that they hesitate so much to approach a girl….I have witnessed that…I love the guys who hesitate…it just reflects how much they value their own integrity and prestige…having said that I would still encourage you guys to make the first move somehow…you may use so many opportunities available today like Facebook, Myspace, etc or even Bluepont like I do…these things will help you to interact with the girl before you meet them and hence might help you to get rid of your shyness and in just getting her!