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Be a Modern Knight: Protecting Your Lady in the 21st Century
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Welcome back! Enjoy your stay, and don't forget to man up!
Although the gender lines in this modern age have become increasingly blurred, there is one male/female disparity that even the most ardent feminist cannot deny: men are physically stronger than women. As such, they have from the inception of the human race been called upon to be the community’s warriors, knights, and soldiers. Fending off would-be attackers and predators, these men took seriously the charge to protect and keep safe the women and children.
Of course these days, the danger of marauding enemies or ferocious beasts has all but waned. Sure, a man must be ready to protect his home should a villain invade it or protect his lady in a street fight. But the days of men universally being both citizen and solider have passed. Yet a man’s role in protecting the women in his life has not ceased. While men are no longer called to be warriors against physical attack, we now have the duty to protect our women from emotional harm, to keep safe the hearts and esteem of the ladies in our lives.
Newsflash: Men Like Women with Curves; Women Still Think Their Butts Look Too Big
I recently came across this interesting study (warning: nude ladies covering their lady parts with their hands) which showed that while women believe a thin figure is the female ideal, men actually prefer a more curvy lady. What was even more interesting is that this story made the front page of Digg, and while Digg users are known for their terribly disparaging and caustic comments, the vast majority agreed with the results. So what does such a story show us? First, men like women with curves. Second, women don’t believe this. Third, contrary to popular belief, men are not to blame for this disconnect. The blame lies instead with the media and the catty expectations of a woman’s female peers.
While men may not be at fault for women’s skewed body image problem, we can be part of the solution; we can support the women in our lives and help them feel better about themselves. I have been rather dismayed at the number of my female friends and family who on the surface appear confident and attractive, but inwardly are pained with acute insecurities. Even beautiful women often feel ugly, fat, and unattractive. True, some men also battle insecurities, but by and large we often feel fairly comfortable about ourselves. Just take a look at the beach at the shirtless men, their huge guts hanging over their Speedo, strolling along without a care in the world.
Let me be clear about something-at the end of the day, a man cannot make a woman feel good about herself; a woman’s self-esteem is under her control and something only she can fix and heal. But it would be most naive to not admit that we are all-men and women alike-influenced by those around us. To your lady, you are the most important and influential person in her life. And you must be valiant in protecting her heart and spirit.
Being a modern knight for your lady
Be generous with your compliments. Whenever your lady is looking luminous, let her know. I often fall into the trap of looking at my wife, thinking about how beautiful she is, but then not vocalizing that thought. I figure she already knows how pretty I think she is, so there is no need to repeat it. But I have come to realize that she can never hear it enough. Insecurities never completely go away, and my frequent and sincere compliments can buoy her up each day. Whenever your lady is experiencing self-doubt, be there with an earnest and encouraging word for her.
Don’t blatantly ogle other women. It’s natural for a man to look at other attractive women and women should understand this. But men should try to keep this impulse under control. If you’re at dinner with your lady and she sees you ogling some model-esque woman, even though she knows it’s a natural impulse, the message is still going to register as, “He wishes I looked more like that.” Feeling that you only have eyes for her will make your lady feel confident and secure.
Guard against harmful media sources. Women will admit that advertisements make them feel insecure, yet they keep on reading Cosmo and other trash that make them feel like crap. Try to steer your lady away from tabloidy rubbish. Buy her a subscription to a magazine that doesn’t set the standard of female beauty artificially high.
When magazines and television do present some fake, plastic surgery constructed stick of a woman as the female ideal, you may be thinking, “Yuck, she’s so gross,” but your lady may be thinking, “I wish I looked like that.” Interrupt these thoughts by vocalizing your distaste for women who look like they are strung out on heroin or are the result of a science experiment gone awry.
Quit watching porn. When you turn to porn to get aroused, you send this message to your lady: “You are cute, but when I really want to get excited I need to look at women with cantaloupe sized breasts” Your lady, and her alone, should do if for you. And she should know that in her heart.
Steer her away from negative friends. When a woman gets all gussied up, she’s not doing it just for you. She also wants to impress other women. And who can blame her when so many women are super judgmental and critical of their female peers. Steer your lady away from negative friends who obsess about their appearance, make comments about your lady’s appearance, and generally make your lady feel insecure.
I guess your chances of encountering marauding enemies depends largely on where you live. Many years ago, while living in a particularly bad LA neighborhood, I found myself in the unfortunate circumstance of having to defend my young wife from two muggers. If I had been alone, I would have simply ran off as fast as my legs could carry me. Instead, I had to square off against them with a knife in my hand. Luckily, one of them had the smarts to pull his drug-crazed pal away just as he was charging me and they took off in search of easier prey. I really didn’t want to kill them, but I would have done so without hesitation to protect my lady. Times aren’t really all that different in this “modern age”.
Quit watching porn?
Worst. Advice. Ever.
I thought this web site was about manliness? Man the [edited] up! If you like to watch people [edited] watch people [edited] And don’t pretend you don’t like porn, or promise to stop watching it. Because if you like watching porn, you’re not going to give it up for a prudish woman any more than you can pray-the-gay-away at bible camp. And if you’ve been lying about it, you’ll only hurt your girl when she eventually finds your stash. And she will. They do. Always.
Harden the [edited] up:
“Honey I like porn. If you like porn, we can watch it together. If not, I’ll watch it alone. It doesn’t mean you’re not enough for me, I just like watching porn. I know you’ll understand, because you’re a stable human-being with a function ego who knows her self-worth”.
I am really happy to see the author make a stand against pornography. Seriously, I can’t consider a person looking at porn even half a man. It is disgusting and unacceptable for a man with even a bit of dignity.
Keep up the good work!
I think you misunderstand Mr. Funk.
This post was about helping your lady feel good about herself. Sure I like porn too and I want to watch it too from time to time but if my girlfriend had a real problem with it and it made her feel insecure about herself I would stop doing it. Surely porn can’t be more important to you than the happiness of your girlfriend or wife. If so, then you fail at being the man and knight that your lady deserves.
“I know you’ll understand, because you’re a stable human-being with a function ego who knows her self-worth”
I’m sorry, but have you ever met an actual woman?
Honestly, my fiancée can beat me up, so I doubt she needs much protecting.
As far as the mental and emotional support, it seems like that should come from both sides of the relationship. Just as a woman should want a man rather than a boy, I want a woman rather than a girl. I would refuse to get in a relationship with a female who lacks fundamental independence.
Regarding pornography, it seems to me that serious disagreements about it may indicate a deeper cultural incompatibility between two people. Agreement on sexual issues are quite important for the success of a relationship.
Personally, my fiancée and I have used pornography when distance intervenes, when moods do not align, or when one person is awake and the other asleep. It makes the whole processes of solo sexual relief easier, more enjoyable, and generally more efficient. I would be unlikely to get involved with a person who had severe issues with pornography.
“Sure I like porn too and I want to watch it too from time to time but if my girlfriend had a real problem with it and it made her feel insecure about herself I would stop doing it.”
This should be a real flag-raiser. SOs that feel insecure because of a simple thing as this usually have worse mental instabilities that might reveal themselves only after months and years. Instabilities that could, and often do, lead to a life lived completely after the rules of a woman that gradually changes from beloved to psychic vampire.
Nothing wrong with making your SO feel good. This, however, must not lead to self-abandonment. A real man should not ashamed of what he likes just because it is deemed inappropriate by his peers or his SO has mental problems.
Thanks for writing this article. Obviously every woman is different, but often even those women who act all dependent and make mention of despising the idea of a man to protect them, really do want that on some level, weather it be physical or emotional.
I am not getting into the whole porn debate, except to say that I do agree with the article.
I do agree that chances of of physical protection may be less for some, but it is a reality for all. You never know where someone desperate and violent may be these days, and it is the man’s responsibility to protect others.
With this post, you have stepped across from ethics, living your life according to principle and dived to morals, living accordance with populist standards.
A small amount of research would have told you what it is to be a knight, living according to simple principles, protecting the weak, telling the truth, believing in honour, among other right livign principles.
I am so disappointed with where this blog is going. Being a man is not about keeping your woman happy, it is about being what you stand for.
My partner can do whatever she likes and I will support her in it because she is an adult and can make her own mind up.
It is not for me to determine what is good for her, that is patronising and small minded.
Worrying about how other people are developing takes ones mind of the important question….”How can I be more impeccable?” and encourages you to be the worst of all things….a hypocrite.
Who is guarding the media sources we are open to…and how do we know they are harmful without us reading them…and who protects us?
“Attend the beam in thine own eye before the mote in they neighbours”.
Wise words indeed.
This woman is happy for her husband to watch porn when the mood strikes. Yes, I have just as many insecurities about my appearance as the next gal, but both of us understand that porn is fantasy. It’s a world where the men and the women are both unrealistically endowed (and the women really enjoy doing all those things, no really, they do). Like any fantasy, it’s a nice little daydream to liven up reality from time to time.
As long as both partners understand that, I don’t see that watching porn has to be a no-no for a woman’s self-esteem.
But I will agree that a woman can never hear her partner say she’s beautiful too often. Really, it’s amazing how far that goes — it’s a mood booster and strengthens her confidence in the relationship.
To the commenters:
The idea that real men use porn is a myth that absolutely needs debunking. There’s a great new book on the subject, called “Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity” by Robert Jensen that every reader of this blog should check out.
To Brett and Kay:
Your post has so many strengths, but I don’t like that you’re encouraging a sort of “father-knows-best” attitude. Women don’t need to be “steered” by their men–what are we, cattle? Forget about being overprotective and directive. A willingness to engage in honest, open conversations, to strive always for good communication, is the marker of man who’s truly confident in his relationship.
Great point about being generous with your compliments. My wife recently lost a ton of weight and she looks great and I’ve told her so. But even after losing the weight, tanning, putting on make-up, etc, she still wants to hear that she looks good and I, like you, assume that she just knows it. I’d imagine that, even if she knows she looks nice, that she would want to hear it from someone she wants to look nice for.
Porn is bad. I’ve seen it do a lot more damage than good.
On the subject of ethics vs. morals. I’m reminded of this quote from Mark Twain (a man), “It is curious - curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.â€?
Ok, as a woman, I think the “no porn” thing is bad advice. Women LOVE porn, they just usually READ it. What do you think romance and erotica novels are?!? It’s all “blooming cores” and “wet heat”, and well, you’d be shocked by the MALE standard in these things. If you think women have a lot to live up to… Ha! Every man in these books is 6′6″, ripped with muscles, and a head full of thick flowing hair. I think that’s more impossible to achieve than breast implants and a crash diet!
My advice would be to watch BETTER porn. There is a lot of really good alternaporn out there, not done in the fake LA-style bimbo porn. I find Hungarians are really good at putting realistic women (and men) in porn; real boobs, intense eye contact, reeeaallly hot. But they still look good so you’re turned on by it. No one wants to see anything TOO real. Good lighting and camera filters can be a godsend
Just to be clear, the survey respondents at FabulousMag.Co.UK clearly think that “curvy” means just “great boobs”, not “great boobs” AND “love handles, muffin tops and big bottoms” as the writers do. The best indicator is the responses to the best-celebrity-body question: both groups overwhelming approved of thin-and-breasty Kelly Brook, Myleene Klass, and Gisele Bündchen, and resoundingly rejected thin-and-boyish Kate Moss and anything-but-thin Beth Ditto.
Nice to see, though, that the average British man thinks the average British woman is a dress size smaller than she is, since women seem to want to drop a two sizes. In other words, he thinks she’s closer to their shared ideal than she is, and after all, this is ALL about what happens in the mind.
Great post, and great idea to reinterpret the notion of “protecting” the females in your life in something other than a macho kind of way.
I would also add - maybe even more important than protecting wives or girlfriends from unrealistic physical ideals of femininity is protecting DAUGHTERS, who likely have a less developed ability to be critical about what the media presents them with. Teach them to do so. Model it for them, and for sons as well.
You had me at “warning: nude ladies”
If you’re willing to give up your porn habit because it makes your wife or girlfriend uncomfortable then by all means go ahead and do it. But you should consider the things that are important to you. If you’re partner has a problem with you seeing porn, and you really do enjoy it, that could be indicative of a deeper problem. Maybe she’s not as sexual as you are. This isn’t something to immediately end a relationship over but it’s an important thing to consider.
As to all the people that believe porn is destroying our culture or anything like that, I could not disagree more. Sure there are some people out there with addictions to porn or who’s lives have been destroyed by porn. But that’s true of almost anything. Ask yourself these questions:
Is masturbation wrong? Is it really so different if you use your own imagination or some images flashing by on screen? Where do we draw the line? What if you’re aroused by classical art? What about written erotica? Is it healthier to actively fantasize about your partners friend or watch a video of a complete stranger? If porn is unacceptable for men are sex toys unacceptable for women?
No matter how sexual your relationship is, there will almost always be a need in some people for self-release. I think some self-release is perfectly healthy and anything you use to help you is equally healthy as long as you don’t abuse it.
I do appreciate what you are trying to get across, however…
“men are physically stronger than women.”
I have always been just about as strong as the average man. My husband is about 10% stronger in his upper body, but NO ONE can compete with my legs. I pity the fool who comes near my thighs uninvited.
As anyone in martial arts can tell you, it isn’t always the more strength that ‘wins’.
“As anyone in martial arts can tell you, it isn’t always the more strength that ‘wins’”
@Hayden-If that’s true, why don’t marital arts tournaments pit men against women?
Now that I think about it, make that 20% stronger. It may only be about 10% but he has more ’strength stamina’ in his arms than I do.
I just wanted to add my two-cents worth as a female. When I read this article, my first response was actually, “aww, I love it!”
I think what we need to understand is the spirit of what the authors are saying. I think they are discussing the importance of mutual respect (correct me if I’m wrong). All of these behaviours represent respect for the woman in the relationship. I think that we as women have similar responsibilities to our men, but this site is called “The Art of Manliness”, not “The Art of Femininity” or whatever else. I think the advice about steering your partner away from negative friends is truly good advice. As much as I would want to keep my man clear of women who tear him down or men who get him flaming drunk every night (or similar), he would want to steer me away from women or men who criticize me or tear me down. In a lot of ways, women especially can use the help to avoid negative influences from friends. We tend to feel more obligation to spend time with people, whether we enjoy the time spent or not, so having our partner there to say, “Oh, actually hun, could I talk to you about something?” or “I really want you to meet so-and-so” or in other ways giving us an out can be helpful. It can’t become an issue of control (ie, him deciding that he gets to choose who I talk to), but having that support is something I would certainly appreciate.
As for the porn issue, I completely agree with the article. I think it is unhealthy for a relationship, the same way that daydreaming about a coworker (or similar) is unhealthy. Maybe nothing will ever happen, but it makes you more and more curious about this unknown entity and less and less curious/interested in the known person who is sharing your life.
Thanks for the article!
I am a woman, and I think a pretty “liberated,” independent woman, and while its not the kind of thing I would admit to friends, the truth is that I do like feeling protected by a man. I like the feeling that my guy is keeping me safe from physical and emotional harm, that when I am with him, nothing bad can happen. It’s not the kind of thing women will admit in public these days, but I think most of us still feel that way.
I’ve been only reading this site for a while, and there have been a number of insightful articles, but honestly this article as well as a few others have been in my opinion, showing a serious quality drop regarding the topic matter. I just cannot participate in this anymore.
“@Hayden-If that’s true, why don’t marital arts tournaments pit men against women?”
Brett, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
I was comparing brute strength to the use of someone’s force against them in martial arts tactics, not martial arts against martial arts. This is absolutely ridiculous just because you feel you need to prove a point.
And, by the way, as someone who has been the ‘victim’ of an attempted mugging - I STOPPED THAT ATTACKER THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF WILL AND A LITTLE BIT OF CRAZY. IT NEVER CAME TO BLOWS.
You are fast losing my respect.
@Jaye- Later!
@Tara-
Bravo, you nailed it 100%. Relationships are most definitely about mutual respect and of course women will try to steer their men to be their best, just as men will try to steer their women to be their best.
Thanks for stopping by Tara-it’s so refreshing when readers are astute enough to really “get it.”
Nice article, brother.
@Hayden-
I’m not sure why you’re upset here. You made the claim that you are as strong as the average man, so if that is true, the question naturally follows as to why men and women do not compete against each other in things like athletics.
Because your response had nothing to do with discussing ‘my’ strength, it was discussing the point I made regarding martial arts…
“As anyone in martial arts can tell you, it isn’t always the more strength that ‘wins’.”
Which, by the way, is still true!
As for me being as strong as the average man, it isn’t the ‘average man’ that competes in sports competitions. You are talking about the everyday man ‘protecting’ the everyday woman.
Your response was, frankly, insulting and misleading as to the core issue of the point.
@Tara: So maybe somebody should make “The Art of Femininity” web site! Any takers?
@Brett: thanks for the article, and sorry you’re running afoul of so much offensitivity. (Or not. You can handle it.)
–
When I was engaged, we went to a workshop, and we were asked to introduce each other and say something we liked about the other. She said, “He won’t let me get down on myself.”
It hurts me a little to say I do, sometimes. Sometimes I just don’t *know* that she’s getting down on herself; she doesn’t say, and I find out later. Sometimes I’m too hands-off, and it occurs to me later to say, “No! I don’t like hearing people say bad things about my honey, even if it’s my honey saying it!” This blog entry inspires me to remember.
First of all, not all girlfriends are squicked out by their boyfriends watching porn. As guerrier so aptly noted, women often read porn (also known as Erotica when it’s well-written); in fact, many straight young women eschew the traditional (read: crappy) romance novel in favor of reading and/or writing unpublished works, such as erotic fanfiction. The porn industry needs changes in how workers are treated and in the variety of representation of women (as also stated by guerrier), but on a personal level I guess I feel like I can’t really expect my boyfriend to give up his porn if I’m not willing to give up my erotica.
As for the other things, it’s not very healthy to expect a boyfriend or husband to solve (or even alleviate) the self-esteem and empowerment issues for any girl. “Guarding” her against media influences and so-called “negative” friendships implies that she’s somehow incapable of navigating her social reality. She was navigating that reality long before she met you. Standing up and speaking out *with* her against cultural norms and practices that discourage a healthy balance of power and mutual respect is a far better way to support your girlfriend.
You are very right about one thing: there’s no such thing as too much when it comes to telling your girlfriend that you think she’s beautiful and sexy. Hearing that never gets old!
How funny. I did a post a lot like this a few months ago. I even used the same picture - or one by the same artist.
I’m anti-porn. I’m a guy. I know, I know. Get over it guys. There’s no way to justify porn use. It has no positive effects whatsoever, and there is plenty of research out there to suggest that porn is extremely harmful.
Men need to protect their women, wives and daughters. Women have every right to feel strong and powerful and empowered, but the fact remains that men (generally speaking) are stronger and faster - unless they don’t want to be protected.
I think, however, that most women appreciate a man who will take care of them while still appreciating their strengths.
Hayden, you need to calm down just a bit. I have immense respect for you and your writing, but you and Brett are both talking past each other.
@Brett
”
“As anyone in martial arts can tell you, it isn’t always the more strength that ‘wins’�
@Hayden-If that’s true, why don’t marital arts tournaments pit men against women?
”
Well the biggest issue here is that martial arts tournaments are an artificial means of recreating a fight. In a fight there are no rules. You can use techniques designed to actually damage as opposed to just dominate. If a street thug attacked you there wouldn’t be a judge to disqualify you for attacking sensitive areas and there are absolutely no gloves or protective gear to protect his face (or anything else) when you slam a punch into it.
Contests and tournaments restrict what you can do so that all you have left are muscles. But when it’s life and death there are no rules.
And trust me, as a martial artist I can say it’s a lot more complex than just “kick him in the nuts!”
Sexuality is not primarily about pleasure. It is about loving intimacy between spouses and about making babies. Further, in our imperfect world love often means self-sacrifice. A knight understood that (I don’t mean to over-romanticize the virtue of the middle ages). Love is a complete and vulnerable gift of self to the other, and sexuality is the most complete physical example of this.
Annie was right about porn being fantasy. However, it’s a selfish and warped fantasy. It is a blatant objectification of other persons, and it focuses on one’s individual sexual impulses as an urge to be satisfied instead of a call to give of themselves completely to another. It is the fantasy of a young child that would eat candy for every meal to the detriment of his own good simply because it’s what feels good at that moment. It’s the fantasy of a juvenile, just discovering the changes in his body and not yet knowing what they’re for.
I don’t mean to attack individuals, but porn is pathetic. We’re not made to get off by peeping into others’ intimate moments (visually or literarily). Man up and learn how to love a woman by making a sacrifice. It’s not about repression, it’s about growing up and learning what we’re made for instead of treating our sexuality as a toy. If your woman has the good sense to have a problem with your warped and selfish fantasy, don’t make it her problem of not being “sexual” enough, whatever that means. All porn does is diminish sexuality and make it selfish. When this has occurred, even the moments of intimacy with another will only be mutual exploitation. If you doubt this is the standard of sexuality in our times, you need only look to the issues surrounding it - contraception, abortion, IVF, eugenics, etc. How much will we manipulate and objectify other persons for our own pleasure?
Well said Adam.
@Josh
I know you said you don’t mean to attack individuals, but that’s really all you’re doing there.
“Sexuality is not primarily about pleasure. It is about loving intimacy between spouses and about making babies.”
This is either a deeply religious view or a somewhat naive view that we should not stray from our evolutionary imperative.
If your statement is religiously motivated than I would encourage you to keep in mind that people have many different views on religion. Indeed some sects of Buddhism advocate sex as a form of meditation. And some people simply aren’t religious.
But regardless, if your behavior is not harming yourself or anybody else, I don’t see why you feel the need to judge it. If your partner doesn’t share your sexual appetite and it really frustrates you than that is more than enough reason to not be in a relationship with that person. If nothing else, it’s probably indicative that there are other things in your relationship that frustrate you.
Self-sacrifice is all well and good, but if you completely deny the things you want you’re going to cause yourself some serious psychological damage. Would you deny yourself food when you were hungry?
Josh,
What were we “made” for? And by whom?
Josh - spot on and well said !! thank you !
Pat
After reading the comments I have decided about 90% of this blog’s readers are filthy porn addicts.
Adam - I’m sorry if you viewed my post as aggressive. I’ve known too many guys that struggled with addictions for this not to be personal. That said, I have no intention of calling out any individuals here.
To your question about being hungry, refer back to my post. I’m not advocating repression. That is unhealthy. My response is that pornography has no “nutrition” (to use your analogy) and is in fact harmful. I’m calling men to expand their tastes beyond twinkies. This isn’t repression. It’s a call to sanity(i.e. health)
To your comment about naivete or religious opinions, I’ll leave it to your judgment which side is distorted in a world that separates intercourse from unity and reproduction. It seems like a natural connection to me.
Mike - We were made for love (i.e. intimacy and self-gift, not just pleasure) . I of course have an opinion for “by whom” also, but I’ll leave that out of this discussion.
Thanks for your comments, guys.
well this is awesome advice. Each one, yeah even the porn. Most women find it disgusting, others may not. it goes on a person to person basis, just know your woman and know what makes her happy, and do them. I think the problem is, we men get comfortable quickly and stop doing those little things that won our women over. Just saying.
I just read through every post on this comment box. I’ve been reading this site for only about a month but have checked out many of the articles and many of the comments at the bottom of these articles as well. It appears to ignorant old me that the inevitable cyber-bickering sessions that sprout up in the comment boxes are often simply missing a key observation. Many of the readers and many of the authors have different views of manliness stemming from different world views.
Based on this the comment regarding porn was totally consistent with the articles title, “Becoming a 21st century Knight.”
Chivalry was something that was never rooted in a secular world view. Knights existed in a faith filled Europe. Not all knights lived the the virtues that this faith implied, but they still had the ideal to strive for or fall from. Never the less this knighthood would have had fundamental issues with the Darwinian, secular, atheistic views of many of the comments.
I’m not judging the previous comments of others but simply saying that the effort of this article was to be a modern day knight and this would necessitate fidelity to ones vows. This fidelity in the Judeo-Christian world has always included acts both mental and physical.
…why do i feel like i just placed my head on a chopping block…
That porn line is bad advice. You have to be true to yourself or it comes back at you twice as hard. Watch porn if you want. Don’t do it if you don’t want to. But, for heaven’s sake, don’t stop because your wife doesn’t like it. What if she didn’t like football or some other sport you like? Would you quit watching that, too?
A great article in general, and a shame that the entirety of the discussion revolves around a short blurb about pornography.
My fiance’s appearance is a source of constant insecurity to her. Between the acne and the 20 lbs of jiggle, she is convinced that I find her unattractive. Nevermind that I’ve turned down offers from women of a more “appealing” persuasion for her, or that I constantly bombard her with affection and tell her how beautiful she is. This insecurity is closely tied to the general desire to better oneself, which is admirable, but in this case gone horribly wrong. You can not win this battle simply by convincing her she is good enough already. Instead, remark on improvements she has made in other non-physique areas. She can focus on improving herself in other healthier ways.
Also, a side-note, every man WILL at some point be called upon to physically protect SOMEONE. It may be your lady, a friend, or strangers (if you are the sort who would willingly do so). The infrequency of the need does not permit the inability to meet the challenge when it does arise. My love and I would be in a very different place right now if the ability to draw a machete and ward off would-be rapists was lost on me.
I agree with most of the commenters. The porn comment seemed a little out of place. If I enjoyed porn (which I do from time to time) and my wife simply hated it or did not want me doing it, I would have a great conversation with her about it and then decide for myself what was more important to me - which is always my wife.
I consider the porn comment in the article as bad advice, but to be fair, if you can tell the difference between bad advice and good advice - then you don’t need advice!
The whole “steering” thing takes the article WAY off track. I get the point, but horrible choice of words. I read that out loud to the better half and she was looking for blood. A strong, independent and interdependent woman takes great offense to this.
Both of these points could have been explained MUCH better by using the “communication” approach. Communicate with her on how you feel about porn and how you feel about negativity.
This article could, if I may be so bold, be entitled “Helpful tips on how to love your lady.” If you love her, you will place her satisfaction above your own. No, the relationship shouldnt be one-sided, but love is a choice. And that choice always involve self-sacrifice. So I highly disagree with these “be true to yourself” comments about watching porn; if it bothers her, dont do it. Or if you are not willing to do that, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. I agree with the other tips offered and I think that Madden said it well, in terms of the perspective of this article.
Kevin, well said.
“A strong, independent and interdependent woman takes great offense to this.”
Horrible choice of words Kevin. Far better to say “MY strong independent and interdependent woman…” for I consider myself all of those qualities and yet I also had a hand in crafting in this piece. Both husband and wife steer each other, which happens by “communicating.” What other way for steering exists for a gentleman?
I love this website! I am lucky cause my husband is a real man
He steered me away from crappy tabloids and when I see a girl that look better then me he always tell me: you are the most beautiful girl in the world 
Keep up the great work, this sick society needs more real men, and real women of course
@Josh:
I understand your intentions and I apologize for making the conversation a bit more confrontational. I do disagree with your contention that porn or masturbation has no “nutrition”.
Porn, at its heart, is nothing more than entertainment. It has as much value as a sitcom or a soap opera or a story or a video game. If used too much any of the above can ruin your life and make it hard for you to remember what is important. If used appropriately they are nothing more than a way of allowing your mind some time to relax from the stress of the day.
And masturbation is very little more than scratching an itch. Again, if you scratch too much, you’ll get a rash, but if you do it occasionally it can be very satisfying and not in the least bit harmful.
Yes, porn can give one a warped view of the world and this is bad. But any creative work can. Just because porn is not something we would actively discuss in public places or in certain company does not mean it should be treated or viewed any differently in terms of virtue. Just perhaps more privately.
Interesting thread.
About the porn, those who partake of that trash can justify it all they want, but porn exploits human beings, Would anyone except a complete scumbag want his daughter to be in porn actress? Think about it. Those people in the videos are SOMEONE’S sons and daughters. Only someone truly desperate for money–likely due to drug addiction or some other horrible circumstance–would even be in porn. It’s terribly sad when you think about it.
As for the statement “As anyone in martial arts can tell you, it isn’t always the more strength that ‘wins
Sorry accidentally hit enter:
As for the statement “As anyone in martial arts can tell you, it isn’t always the more strength that wins”, That’s true, BUT RARELY. If you put up a 220 lb., strong, ruthless street fighter up against a 125 lb. black belt, I’ll put my money on the thug.
The idea that a puny little runt can take on giant bullies with a little martial arts training is a myth.
Great article, Brett. I think female body image is a huge problem in today’s society, as we’ve all been warped and manipulated into envisioning some bizarre ideal that leaves us less capable seeing and loving real women. There are fourth graders in this country who think they need to be dieting because of what they see on TV, and 90 percent of girls in high school think they are overweight. Sick. This problem isn’t going away soon.
And porn doesn’t help. If one can’t see the ogling and masturbating to some stranger’s daughter is disrespectful to one’s wife and all the women in one’s life, then one has no idea what it means to love a woman, or how to regard women as whole persons, not just physical objects for sexual manipulation.
Hah, agreed, Frank. I forget who it was, but I read somewhere that one of the world’s martial arts champions a few years ago was asked who he thought would win in a fight, himself or Mike Tyson. The guy said Tyson, hands down. Speed only gets you so far, when the other guy has a punch that hits like a freight train.
Here’s another vote against porn.
The people and activities in a porn video or picture are as fake as the creatures adorning the cover of Cosmo or Vogue.
And…
The ability to fight is a minor attribute. The smarter course is to avoid situations where violence is an acceptable or necessary option. And it is possible to stay in ’safe’ situations, with a little planning and common sense.
And now some science.
When a woman looks in the mirror and thinks she sees flaws - weight or shape - there is a reason for it. The brain tends to reject the mirror image as being unreliable. Scientists are divided on the reason for this phenomenon, but it does exist.
However, almost all women will accept a photograph or video of themselves as being accurate. This is particularly true if the results are instant, like a digital photo being displayed or printed.
If your woman has body image issues that you think are distorted or inaccurate, take a few full body photos and show her the results. Obviously, the less clothing she wears, the better the results will be. She will probably be astounded to see what she “really” looks like.
By the way: delete any such private pictures immediately. Don’t abuse her trust.
First i find it amusing you continually referred to a woman as a “Lady” considering no woman of this century would call a man a “Lord” unless the queen of England bestowed the title upon him.
OK, i think a few of you missed the point with the porn issue. I am going to try to be as impartial as possible.
First the author was not saying anything against porn. I think all he meant was it can make some women slightly insecure. And that compacted with the rest of the messages the media send to women about being thin is horrible for self-esteem.
As with all general advice, you need to take all the extenuating circumstances into account. here are some things you should think about.
1. Is porn even an issue in your relationship?
2. How does your significant other feel about porn? You might be surprised to find some women like it as much as men do, and some men find it completely useless.
3. Why do you feel the need to view porn? Some men say it is like a substitute, for when their ‘Lady’ is unavailable.
Now for you people that immediately saw the advice about porn and jumped all over it attacking or defending as it would suit you. The author said nothing either way about the matter of porn being good or evil he only mentioned that it could be detrimental to your lady’s mental well being. I don’t think it is fair to say “I watch porn so deal with it woman” nor is it fair for a ‘Lady’ to demand her ‘Lord’ stop watching porn without so much as a discussion.
now i am going to be biased:
All you people spouting “facts” about porn perhaps you should do some research before you make assumptions about the people involved in it. not all people in porn are addicted to drugs or desperate for money. that is mostly seen in prostitutes.
Wow! What a discussion.
All I know is that
1. Chuck Norris can beat up anybody
2. Chuck Norris thinks all women are beautiful
3. Chuck Norris thinks porn is bad
If Chuck Norris thinks it, so do I.
One point from an article is pretty much the dominating argument here?…the whole porn thing.
As a single man, I know that porn is a product designed for guys like me. I can’t really see me watching it when I have a beautiful woman around me all the time, and I could never quite figure out why guys in relationships bother with it. Why settle for watching it when you got the REAL THING?
What you wrote about “a woman’s self-esteem is under her control and something only she can fix and heal,” is so very true. A girl I was involved with last year was one of the most attractive women I have ever been with. She had modeled most of her young adult life and even appeared in several music videos by well known rap artists. Physicially she was a 10. But inside she was one of the most insecure women I have ever met. Her self esteem was so bad I’d watch her look at herself in the mirror and say “I’m so ugly.” And every day, sometimes more than once a day she would ask me if I thought she was ugly, and I would always respond with “no way. You’re the most adorable, most beautiful girl ever..” After a year I could not put up with this any longer. I felt like this girl was relying on men to tell her she was beautiful, and she would find her worth in what people would say about her. I think it’s a sick disease, maybe a complex, or some kind of chemical imbalance that causes pretty girls to either think too highly of themselves or too little of themselves.
@Brett:
Your responses to Hayden read a bit snarkily and not so gentlemanly as one might expect. Why be so defensive?
One might argue that men and women don’t compete against each other in sports because the average man couldn’t handle being beaten by “a girl.”
But in all seriousness, I have actually read scholarly articles on competitive sports that make some very interesting points about men and women being on par with one another, but separated for no accountable reason. And they’re often not just separated; the rules are changed (say, the size of the court, etc.) so that direct comparisons between men and women’s athletic achievements become impossible.
From the reading I’ve done, a good many female athletes strongly object to this practice and would prefer to play their sports on the same terms as men do.
I look forward to the day when we get past the separation of so many sports according to sex!
@Kate and Kevin:
Kevin is right–the word choice regarding “steering” is really out of line.
In response to his comment, Kate said, “Both husband and wife steer each other, which happens by ‘communicating.’ What other way for steering exists for a gentleman?”
It is not terribly uncommon for men to take an authoritative, man-of-the-house attitude that involves making rules and regulations. These men