Is Being A Stay-At-Home Dad Manly?

This all depends. Are you a single dad? Do you work from home? I would say the only instance where this is not manly is if you are just a lazy guy.

I’m sure this won’t be popular with the PC crowd, but no I don’t think being a stay at home dad is manly. Gender roles developed over thousands of years of time and they developed that way for a reason. Women are more nurturing and better with children. Men are nurturing too, but there is something inside them that craves real accomplishment-and no, changing diapers and making dinner is not an accomplishment. Men need to get out there and use their talents. They have a drive and focus that needs to be utilized. The stay at home dads I have met have a stale, defeated air about them, their manliness has gone soft (men with only daughters, and no sons have this same vibe).

Very manly!

More manly than many things commonly considered manly, in my book.

You surrender so many things to be Mr. Mum, for a job that doesn’t pay and you are likely to get ridiculed for, all to look after your kids properly.

Tough question, but I can see DRV’s point. Is it the right thing to do and can you completely make it work? Of course. Is doing the right thing and making it work manly? Absolutely!

But let’s not ignore a man’s genetic disposition and drive that is quite different than a woman’s. It is not better or worse, just different.

I never believed this until we had a child of our own come into our lives. There is simply something genetic in a woman’s makeup that equips them better for the nurturing and upbringing of a child. Working around the house is manly, but being a stay at home caretaker of a family is a different question.

If we want to get all anthropological gender Roles were in part created due to the value that women had in comparison to the men in ancient tribes… women could produce more children, men you can get any man to inseminate a woman, maybe one man inseminating many women… women were directly responsible for the generational survival of the tribal unit… they were held back and protected, men could go off and get killed by a boar or rival tribesman, and that would be a loss, but NOT the same as the loss of a woman capable of childbearing… many men one woman means one child every year or two… one man many women = children all the time. Men from this viewpoint had a value but not near as much as a woman… if you want to get all anthropological about it all. In tribal societies it wasn’t JUST the woman who took care of the children in fact it was the duty of the tribe as a whole, men and women… because they represented the future of the tribe… their survival to adulthood (a much younger age than what we consider adulthood) was paramount, any children dying due to negligence was probably constituted a death sentence to those who were not fulfilling their responsibility.

I am surprised at the results here. Are so many men really that comfortable being stay at home? Or is this poll just being responded to most strongly by those few men who think that there is nothing wrong with that sort of thing?

i don’t care what the feminists say, the vast majority of women could not respect their man if he stayed home making domestic daddy while she hacked it through the corporate world. and the only women who prefer this situation are control freaks who want agreeable beta males that defer to their power. not manly, imo.

My dad taught me that being a real man means doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to take care of your family. In his own life, that meant working multiple jobs, hard labor jobs, and often dangerous jobs. Sometimes all three at the same time. I wish I could tell you that his sacrifice meant that my mother could stay at home and do the nurturing thing like the old stereotypical family, but that wasn’t the case. I was a latchkey kid in a small midwestern town for years before I ever heard the term. My parents were gone at work when I woke up in the morning and came home anywhere from 2 – 3 hours after I got out of school.

In my life, Dad’s “whatever it takes” philosophy has meant working multiple jobs and/or hard labor jobs (I’ve been very fortunate in the danger department). But it has also meant being a stay at home dad. My wife and I have both been the stay at home parent, usually to support the other one while they attended college. There have been times in our life together when it just wasn’t possible for the second parent to get a job that paid enough to have any money left over after daycare, so it was smarter economically for one of us to stay at home.

I’m won’t lie: for me, being a stay at home dad was a soul crushing, ambition killing experience. I understand very well the defeated, “unmanly” air discussed in earlier comments, and preventing that from happening to you can be a daily challenge in that situation.

But you know what? My awesome, very manly father did his share of soul crushing, ambition killing work to take care of me. Tearing your body up on manual labor to build houses, waking up in pain every morning and knowing that if you died at 40 the coroner would find the body of a 70 year old–soul crushing. Being a long haul truck driver, away from your family for a minimum of a week at a time, endless days on the road to the point that you can barely remember what state you’re in, seeing and hearing about your co-workers being beaten, stabbed and/or shot for their cargo, their truck, or just the 30 bucks in their wallet — soul crushing. But he did it anyway. Even though it was hard, even though it was miserable, he what was necessary to take care of us until he found or made better options.

If I can at all help it, I won’t do the stay at home thing ever again. But if we find ourselves in a situation where my staying at home is the best available option and any other choice would mean depriving my children, I’ll do it again in a heartbeat.

Great comments from everyone.

I don’t think that it’s unmanly at all if it’s the right thing for your family. There are situations where it makes a lot more sense for Dad to stay home for the good of the family as a whole.

And as a stay-at-home mom I can sure relate to the soul-crushing aspect of it- I adore my kids and wouldn’t make another choice (well, I couldn’t anyway as they have special needs), but it can be extremely isolating and routine if you’re not very careful to also give yourself options to feel like something other than “just” a parent.

That said, I think that the men who do manage to be great stay at home dads are fantastic (and in my experience, are usually doing a great job at it)- I think that it’s a lot more difficult for stay at home dads than moms in some ways. SAH Dads don’t have the theoretical support that SAH moms do…there aren’t a lot of Daddy and Me playgroups, and I can’t count the number of Dads I’ve seen at the park with their kids in the morning who are alone as so many moms won’t talk to them for whatever reason. If you can deal with all of that, and kids, then you really are a “real” man.

The first and most important part of being manly is to step up and take responsibility for the well-being of your family. Only you and your family can decide what that will be, of course. But if the decision to stay at home and raise kids is the responsible choice, a real man will make that choice in a heartbeat, even if that means sacrificing some personal ambition. Self-sacrifice is manly too. Good question.

I’m pretty much inclined to agree with Dirk, my first response to the stay-at-home-dad question is “probably not manly.” But I do see the larger point everyone else is making about stereotypes. Here’s the deal though…we’re talking about things in a general sense, so stereotypes are what we have to go with. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, so we can find examples where the most responsible thing to do is for the man to stay at home. But like Dirk and others have said, the stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. Generally speaking, men are better suited for doing the “outside the house” work like farming, hunting and gathering, commenting on blog posts during work hours (ahem), and so on. And generally speaking, women are better suited for doing the “inside the house” work like nurturing children and complaining about how men can’t seem to pee straight. That doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions, and it doesn’t mean that men and women shouldn’t help each other out in their respective roles. Call me old fashioned, but with a hat tip towards the exceptions everyone is making, I’m going to have to say that the stereotypes are mostly valid. That’s why I voted no, even though I recognize there can be good reasons for a dad to stay at home. Even if you disagree with me, though, I think we can all agree that if the guy is sitting on the couch folding clothes while on the phone discussing characters from The Young And The Restless, he deserves a beating of UFC-style proportions. Have some self-respect, at least watch Jeopardy instead!

Since when is personal responsibility for your children not masculine? It’s the modern age, women work, roles should be equally shared if need be.

for sure it is, if you spend the time with them and not neglect them.

LIke many have said already, I believe it all depends on the context of the situation.

If a woman leaves her home to take on a job, then that’s just not very womanly. If she’s forced to because her husband isn’t making enough to support the family, that’s not very manly. If he really is working his very hardest and trying his best but life situations are just keeping him from providing fully for his family, thus forcing his wife to take on a job as well…well, that happens.

Say, in this scenario, the wife just so happens to start making enough money to support the family all on her own, but not enough to pay for a babysitter in addition to everythijng else and the husband has to stay at home and take care of the kids. In that situation, it would be very manly to step up to the plate and do what you have to do to take care of the family. This should ony be a temporary arrangement, however, and they should continue to try to work it out to where the wife can get back in the home and the man can get back to work, because that’s the way that it is supposed to be.

I fully appreciate Angelina’s comments above when she brought the insight that women won’t respect their husbands if the roles were reversed and the husband stayed at home while the wife went to work.

Sure, every family has to figure out what will work best for them. Sometimes both husband and wife have to work to make ends meet. But, if given the choice, the man should work and the wife should maintain the home. This is the way it always has been and always should be. I will always absolutely resist anything that tries to reverse, or change, the roles of the husband and wife.

So, given the context, it can be very manly for the man to stay at home, but this situation should be avoided if possible.

Woman are just flat-out more qualified to stay at home with children, especially babies and toddlers. I mean that in the most complimentary sense. There is a lot of talk about “If I was a SAHD I would go to the gym more and build a garden and do manly this and that…” The reality is that staying at home with kids doesn’t really allow you time for much of anything. Men naturally have a desire to work, and if you don’t, you’re lazy.

Dudes, just go to work, come home and be manly dads.

Great comments everyone! I’m really enjoying the discussion.

@Thomas- You raise an interesting point about men leaving the home after the Industrial Revolution. For thousands of years before then, most men stayed at home. They either worked as farmers or artisans. Of course every now and then they would leave for hunts or wars, but for the most part they stayed at home to work. Consequently, men were able to play a bigger role in their children’s lives. For example, a man before the Industrial Revolution would teach their son the value of hard work by taking them to the fields or to his shop.

One of the interesting ramifications of the Information Age is that the internet with its remote working capabilities might return us back to pre-Industrial home arrangements.

Yes, of course its manly if a parent is required to be home and it makes financial sense for the mother to work instead. If the kids are at school until 3pm and he’s staying home, maybe its time for him to get a job though.

summary: in terms of manly, meaning meeting some stereotypical 1950’s TV show version of manly, then no it isn’t.

In terms of having the guts to do what’s best for your family, in a given situation, then yes it is.

In terms of the “what will my wife think of me” department, hopefully you married the right woman.

In terms of how you raise your kids, That depends on how you do it… Ive seen 40 year old men who are more childish with rasing their children, and I’ve seen way too many kids either abused or coddled/overprotected. Raising your kids in a manly way means giving them freedom to learn their own lessons, while taking enough precautions to ensure they are smart enough to learn them withoud getting hurt too bad. It also means a healthy amount of discipline, and ensuring your kids know why they’ve been disciplined. One should always use spanking as a last resort, as it really offers no educational value or severity if used frequently.

Use it for things where your child endangers their own personal safety-”That car you almost ran into would hurt a lot more than my spanking – DON’T CROSS THE ROAD WITHOUT LOOKING, AGAIN”. Find other ways to punish your kid for misbehaving in public, swearing, etc.. And never, ever be the father who says “It couldn’t have been my kid” when a teacher, or other adult you have given charge of your kid to… It’s ok to ask for proof. But sometimes kids do dumb/stupid/cruel things, and your kid is no different..

But, yeah, it all depends on your point of view if it is manly or not…. Manly is as much in the mindset of the man as is how he performs the task he set out to do.

I’ve been a stay at home dad from the time my children were born. They are all grown now. Happy, healthy, independent and responsible. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist. My office has always been in our home. This allowed me to set a therapy schedule that was best for our family. I also had a babysitter when needed. I got to go to their school for events and sports. I was the only dad when it was time to pick up our children. I got to give the mothers some free family therapy. I was raised during the early years of my life by my Italian Grandmother. She was my first experience of UNconditional Love. We lived in a huge home with my cousins and their families. Being present for all of these children was my Grandmother’s top priority. She absolutely loved children Unconditionally. I am so thankful for what I learned from her. AND, my Italian Grandfather taught me all the things that my father should have: Guns, fishing, driving, and working on cars. (I’m not a gun person but I know how to use them. I am a Black Belt in karate-only used it when I was in the Army. But I’m for Peace, whether it be in my family or the world.)When my family finally moved out on their own, I was ignored. My father worked four to midnight for his whole life. When he was home, he was either sleeping or didn’t want to be bothered. I made a commitment to myself that I was going to be what I learned from my Grandmother to my children. Also while at home, I did household chores: laundry, dishes, pets, watering, some shopping, etc. My wife was a VP for an advertising agency and worked long hour, but always took time to go to our children’s school with me. On the weekends she was a full time parent ,did chores, liked to work in the garden and loved to cook for all of us. I couldn’t be happier for the way we parented and how our children turned out. We’re still very close, see each other often, and travel the world together. A Loving Dad is very important to a Healthy, Loving Family. Being Mr. Mom has been a very Manly experience and is still a rewarding part of my life.

If you take pride in what you do, WHATEVER you do, than it is manly. This is the fundamental lesson I’ve learned after my first month of being a SAHD. My situation was different than most here…I actually made more than my wife (not a great deal more, but more)…however, my job required me to work insane hours for most of the year, including weekends. When presented with the option of my job vs. seeing my child grow up, it was a no brainer.

In fact, it’s just about the most difficult job a person can take on…there’s the isolation, and the constant need to remind yourself that what you’re doing is actually beneficial. It’s easy to lose that…you feel like you’re pulling some sort of scam. If you don’t take pride in EVERYTHING you do during the day, and see it’s inherent purpose, you’ll lose yourself. Take pride in a clean house. Take pride in reading to your kids and watching them learn. Take those few quiet moments you have and learn something new. Be sure you’re completely involved in all financial decisions, even if you aren’t chipping in monetarily.

Relatedly, I highly recommend anyone who takes this path join a gym, and use the membership daily. You’ve spent your entire day caring for someone else. Take an hour and take care of yourself. Blow off steam…aside from feeling better, you’ll avoid the spread that will inevitably come along with being at home, and you’re wife will get off on it. Believe me…

So in my long, roundabout way, my answer to the question is this…if you approach it with the same pride as you approached your job, then it is.

And on a greater note, if you worry about whether other people think what you’re doing is manly or not, then you’re not one…being a man means not giving a flying F*** about what others think.

Watching a man take care of a child is very sexy. Every time I watch my husband rock out six-month old to sleep, I fall in love with him all over again. Having one parent (mother or father) stay at home is a very personal decision, and should be made by the whole family (and not based upon social norms). Anyone who is willing to break social norms to do what works for their family is manly.
To my detractors:

As long as he’s not being lazy: Anyone who thinks there is anything lazy about staying at home with the kids is crazy! It is a lot of work to take care of a child. I was on maternity leave for only six weeks, and I was glad to return to work because I wanted a break from being a full time mom.

Gender roles have been there for thousands of years are there for a reason: This was true. The thing you have to remember is our culture moves quickly and the rules change. There was a time when it made sense for the woman to stay at home with the children. She has to recover from giving birth, she had to breastfeed the child, and men made more money. But with the advent of bottles, formula, breast pumps, maternity leave, and the ability at earn as much as a man, there really is no reason for these gender roles to be so rigid.

Men have ambition and need to work outside of the home to fulfill that ambition: This is all fine and well except it implies that women do not share this same ambition. More and more, we are seeing women rise to the top of their field- in all areas. There are now more women in college than men. It’s about time that we ask men to make the same sacrifices that women have been expected to make for years.

Women are more nurturing: This is probably the best argument, but it still has some problems. First, it depends on what you consider nurturing to be. As Wayne points out, perhaps turning our kids into germaphobes, and making play dates isn’t the best definition of nurturing. From what I can tell, the only thing that would make women (as a whole) more “nurturingâ€? is that they are more adept at language (both verbal and non-verbal) and more empathetic (probably due to being able to read people better). But does this really equate to being more nurturing? If you have a child that is constantly getting into trouble, isn’t better to discipline the child (typically a dad behavior) than to emphasize with the child? The other problem with this argument is that it speaks of women as a whole not individually, so it will undoubtedly fail in certain situations. Case in point: Britney Spears.

The vast majority of women could not respect their man if he stayed home making domestic daddy while she hacked it through the corporate world: Perhaps this is true for the older generation, but from what I’ve seen from the younger generation (including myself) this does not prove true. It seems to be about even.
and the only women who prefer this situation are control freaks who want agreeable beta males that defer to their power: actually giving up ultimate power over how the children (the most important thing in most mom’s lives) are raised seems the exact opposite of control-freak.

Unless you wear panties, no man should be a stay at home dad. No wonder we almost had a woman president.

Doing what is necessary is manly, no matter what that thing is.

Taking care of business, is manly.

The best situation is where the man is the main provider for his family and his wife takes care of the home front. I’m not talking about the wife being “barefoot & pregenent” in the kitchen and standing two paces behind & to the left of her husband. No, I’m talking about a Proverbs 31 wife (real men love Jesus, too) who is akin to a First Sergeant to her husband’s role as Company Commander. The man should be making the rules and deciding the direction the family should go while the wife supports and implements those rules allowing the man to concentrate on being head of the household and providing for his family.

A man’s job is to go to work and take care of his family.