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Men are known as the less emotional sex; they are bastions of stability; the rock in the middle of a storm; unflappably cool no matter what the circumstance. Of course, it’s not wrong for men to get emotional. It’s unhealthy to keep one’s feelings bottled up and shoved deep down inside. But when is it okay for a man to display his emotions through crying?
The History of the Man Cry
Men have always cried. Yet the acceptability of male crying has varied across time and across culture. There are many references to man tears in ancient Greek and Roman culture. In Homer’s The Iliad there is no conflict between Odysseus’ heroic qualities and the inclusion of many episodes of his weeping for home, loved ones, and fallen comrades. Yet Odysseus never breaks down out of loneliness or frustration, which the ancient Greeks did not feel were acceptable reasons for men to cry. They also expected warriors to understand that there were times when public displays of emotion were acceptable, and times when it was appropriate to cry alone. Odysseus frequently tries to hide his tears from those around him.
The Old Testament is similarly replete with references to weeping. The ancient Hebrews wept as part of their supplications to God and before going to battle. The Gospel writers did not feel that tears were a threat to either the manhood or godhood of Christ and dutifully recorded that “Jesus wept.” Perhaps drawing inspiration from this emotional display, early church thinkers considered tears a gift and a natural accompaniment to spiritual, even transcendent, experiences. The great theologian Thomas Aquinas, like the ancient Greeks, made the distinction between the very public weeping that had characterized Hebraic culture, and the idea that it was frequently best to cry away from people’s prying eyes.
Medieval Japanese and European epics are chock full of male crying. The great warriors in both Beowulf and the Tale of Heiki cry buckets over both great spiritual questions and the death of comrades. The warriors in such stories are expected to cry about issues of war, peace, and ideals, while the women weep over romantic and platonic relationships or out of general sadness, loneliness, or frustration.
Up through the Romantic Era, a permissive, even celebratory attitude toward male crying prevailed. Popular culture was of full of sentimental literature and art featuring men and women falling into each other’s arms and bathing one another with their tears. Tears were seen as proof of a man’s sincerity, honesty, and integrity. The Enlightenment ushered in a more rational ideal of manhood. Tears came to be seen not as an unmitigated virtue, but as sometimes manipulative, illogical, and false.
During the Victorian Era, those virtues thought to be exclusively feminine in nature were celebrated. Women were seen as dainty and fragile, full or emotion and love. Tears have always had a vulnerable and submissive quality to them, and began to be seen as more befitting a man than a woman. As the 20th century emerged, the ideal of the tearless male emerged with it.
The Man Cry Today
Culture’s view of male crying has continued to evolve into our day. While we still expect men to cry less than women, in some cases it has now become more acceptable for a man to cry than a woman, at least when it comes to our public officials. Hillary Clinton’s tears in New Hampshire brought some compassion, but also criticism that such vulnerability made her ill suited for leadership. Yet Mitt Romney choked up several times on various news programs without the slightest attention being paid to it. Many see tears as a proof that a man is sensitive and humble and thus well rounded.
Which leaves men in a gray area when it comes to crying in the modern age. Some people these days encourage men to let loose whenever the urge hits. Some adhere to the “you can’t squeeze tears from a stone” philosophy. I think the key to man crying lies somewhere between these two edicts. A man need not be perpetually stoic. There are, of course, times when we feel sorrow or frustration so acutely that it must be let out. Yet there’s a balance between being so sensitive that a Hallmark commercial can make you weep and shedding some tears over something truly significant. Just as there is a balance between releasing some man tears and turning into the kind of blubbering mess that makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Here are some appropriate and inappropriate times to get your cry on.
When It’s Okay For a Man to Cry
Photo by richelleantipolo
1. The death of a loved one. There are few things more painful that the thought of separation from those dearest to our hearts.
2. The death of your beloved pet. A pet can feel like a member of the family. Whether a horse or dog, the bond between a man and his faithful animal runs deep.
3. When you first see the new life you and your wife created. Many a man has found himself choked up as they cradle their newborn son or daughter.
4. When you propose to the love of your life and she says yes. This should be one of the happiest days of your life. You found your best friend.
5. At the altar as you get married. Everyone in attendance loves to see the husband-to-be get a little misty eyed as his blushing bride walks down the aisle.
6. When your beloved car or truck, especially your first one, gets totaled. There’s a bond between a man and his wheels that when severed, can really sting.
7. Visiting sites that pay tribute to those who laid down their lives for others. Whether running your fingers over the names at the Vietnam War Memorial or watching the oil leak from the sunk USS Arizona, contemplating the sacrifices made by your fellowman should make you tear up.
8. Describing a really spiritual experience. Feeling touched by a higher power can be really affecting.
9. As an athlete, after the final game/match/event that you will ever play in. You’ll never be in as good shape again. You’ll never experience this level of camaraderie again. You’ll never push yourself so hard every day. Go on and let it out.
10. While watching any of the following movies:
- Field of Dreams
- Brian’s Song
- Shawshank Redemption
- The Pride of the Yankees
- Old Yeller
- Iron Giant
- Life is Beautiful
- Saving Private Ryan.
- Rudy
- Braveheart
- Dead Poets Society
- Friday Night Lights
- We Were Soldiers
- Gladiator
- Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
- The Champ
- Glory
- It’s a Wonderful Life
When It’s Not Okay For a Man to Cry
Devotion to your team is respectable. Turning into a blubbering mess when they lose, not so much.
1. When you favorite sports team loses. I get really into sports. But crying when men who don’t know you from Adam lose a game means you’ve got way too much invested.
2. When those around you are looking to you as a source of calmness and strength. Sometimes your loved ones need you to be a rock.
3. To the point of irrational thinking or paralysis when you have a job to do. I wanted to strangle Upham in Saving Private Ryan when he cried in the stairwell while his fellow soldier was being killed. When you have a job to do, get it together.
4. When you don’t get your way. Little boys cry when they don’t get what they want. Men are disappointed, but resilient.
5. When you’re frustrated. Crying because your overwhelmed and don’t know what to do is a cop out. You don’t have the strength to think of a solution, so you cry so you don’t have to think at all. Man up and figure out your next move.
6. In baseball. There’s no crying in baseball!
7. During any of the following movies:
- Beaches
- Steel Magnolias
- Little Women
- Jerry Maguire
- The Notebook
- Ghost
Source: Crying: A Natural and Cultural History of Tears
Hat tip to Robbie C. for his comments in the forum and post at his blog Urban Grounds for inspiring this post.
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I’m going to half to agree with this blog 100%. Yes, you could have added some other moments in life where it would be ok to let the man tears flow, but you cannot list them all.
Most people frown upon the man cry where I am from, when it comes to movies or anything other than a death in the family. This reassures me that I am not a lame ass and I’m a man…..that can cry.
Thanks guys for another awesome post.
I’m going to be honest here, I think there’s more depth here than just “when a loved one dies.”
I found out my father was in the hospital and I’ve found myself pretty choked up about it–direct family member’s and dire news tend to have an immense emotional impact on me. Specifically in this case I was unable to contact anyone that could update me for hours–adding to the problem is the fact that I don’t live very close to home currently.
Just felt the need to comment since this hit so close to home so recently.
The movie EVERY man should cry upon viewing it: The Passion of the Christ
Glad to see Iron Giant on the list. I just recently saw that movie and was really moved by it. I’ve seen it two times since. I watched it with my two-year-old. It might have been a little intense for her at moments but she could not stop talking about robots for the next week. It was wicked cute.
This Topic really hit home for me. I spent 22 and a half years in the Marin Corps and for the first 21 years I pretty much had a steel heart and had my emotions pretty well locked up inside. That all changed when my middle daughter was raped and the trial that we went through. It shattered the wall that I had my emotions hidden behind.
I concur with the suggestion of two movies being added to the list. The first was Armegeddon – what father who has daughters couldn’t relate to the see of Bruce Willis having to break his promise to his girl (for a noble reason)? And the second is the “Green Mile.” That movie wasn’t just a tear jerker, they backed up the tow truck and pulled them out.
Thanks for the comment Randall. And I just want to tell you that “Stufflebeam” is an awesome last name.
I’d add The Elephant Man to the movie list. Also, the Futurama episode where Fry’s dog waits in front of the his pizza shop for years just to see him again and dies of old age.
I will cry when any team from Seattle (Mariners, Sonics, Seahawks) wins a championship. I’ve been waiting all 28 years of my life. I’ve been there for Edgar Martinez, Griffey, Largent, Kemp, Payton, the rise and fall of the Kingdome. I’ll shed a little tear of humble respect for those guys whenever it happens. It may be a while…
It is also OK to cry when you hear a good song that extols the virtues of faith, family and country.
Examples:
Amazing Grace
Lee Greenwood – God Bless the USA
Rodney Atkins – I’ve Been Watching You
I’ll be Home for Christmas (when you’re not home for Christmas)
America the Beautiful (Ray Charles’ version)
I would agree with Aaron as well. I can remember the first time I heard the words by Lee Greenwood, “I’d gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today” and those of us listening, stood up. WOW!! What a moment!
And the song, “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me, has evoked many tears when I contemplate what it is that I will do when I stand before the one who died for me.
Derek Redmond. The 1992 Olympics, in Barcelona. Redmond, the British record holder in the 400m, was forced to drop from his event in ‘88 summer games by injury. But he was back, and had vowed that he would finish this race. By the back stretch, it seemed not only that he would finish, but that he would win the event, and move on to the finals, and possible Olympic gold. With approximately 175 meters left in the race, Derek heard a ripping, popping noise in his leg, and he went down to the track. The race, and his career, ending for Derek in a sickening tear in his hamstring. Derek’s father, ducking security guards and sidestepping fans and athletes alike, rushes to the track to his son, who is getting up and waving off the medical personnel. The two limp down the last stretch of track, father and son, and Mr Redmond lets go only to let Derek cross the finish line.
If it wasn’t okay to cry watching that, then it never is.
I saw my Dad first cry while watching Schindler’s List.
And again he cried when we saw I Am Sam – because he’s a single dad.
Please add Blood Diamond and Armageddon to your movie list.
Blood Diamond
When Solomon is brought to the refugee camp and his wife tells him the rebels took his son.
The speech he gives to his son when he (the son) pulls a gun on him.
The end, at the conference.
Armageddon
President’s Speech and world footage montage (a classic, and the soundtrack by Trevor Rabin is excellent)
When the shuttle Independence crashes.
When Max is blown away and they think all hope is lost and Harry (Bruce Willis) tells Houston to prepare the world for bad news.
When Harry switches places with AJ (Ben Affleck). AJ protests, saying that it’s his job. Harry calls AJ his son.
Harry’s last talk to Grace (Liv Tyler)
When they return to earth and Grace runs toward him.
Whew, glad to that that off my chest…
Uh, am I at the right blog? I am horrified at some of the things on the article list and in the user comments that apparently warrant tears. Here is my list (and I don’t consider myself to be “supermanly”. My grandfather would probably limit this list to number 1):
1. Death of a loved one (close, not your distant cousin that you didn’t like anyway)
2. Death of pet (ONLY if it is a dog)
3. Birth of children
4. Movies with father/son or sports themes, maybe dog themes if you really love dogs (Rudy, Field of Dreams, and Old Yeller are examples. However, this should be done in private, not in front of your wife/girlfriend)
Crying at the alter or as your propose? That is horrible. That is what the woman is supposed to do! What if you start blubbering like a fool and she just stands there and is excited? You look like a loser.
No man should ever cry during a movie – no way, no how.
Great list. There’s a whole lot of movies that should be on this list. I remember my brother getting choked up and all misty eyed when we watched “Of mice and Men” (yes it was based on the book)that starred Gary Sinise. “Tell me ’bout the rabbits George!” gets him every time!
Another movie in my opinion that should be added is Terminator 2. I remember shedding my first tears when the Terminator killed himself at the end.
You might not think you would ever tear up at an Adam Sandler movie, but “Click” sure did it to me.
Chuck Wicks Song Stealing Cinderella. My daughters only 3ys old but it sure makes you realize they will not be kids forever.
Another movie that’s gotta be added is “Blow” when Johnny Depp will never see his Dad again because he’s going to spend the rest of his life in jail, and he leaves a recording for him and it goes back and forth between Johnny Depp saying the recording and his dad listening to it…Then right after is the scene where Depp imagined that his daughter came to visit him in jail… Two scenes in a row that made me cry my eyes out
@Steve
Your little story of Derek Redmond got me right there..
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truthfully, there really usnt a hard and fast rule on what is acceptable to cry too.. each person has his triggers.. though i do agree with with most of the acceptables listed..
My Life definitely should be on the list. When his father is shaving him, I cried like a baby. Heartwrenching moment. As a history buff, I can’t watch Schindler’s List without tearing up at the end.
@soo –
i am so with you bro they should have added that one to the list when a girl of course a girl u really loved and been through a lot together dumps you or stuff like that i tell you that because i am one of theme…… =(
@Alexa Claire –
I agree. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he neither cried nor ever got jazzed up about anything. Interacting with him was like poking roadkill with a stick and expecting it to do something. On paper he was a “good” guy, but in real life he was like a robot…what’s the point of even being in a relationship if you can’t share your joys and miseries with someone? You might as well just be single!
So guys, please. Try to strike a good balance. Enthusiasm is sexy, too.
I cried when I read about the trial and death of Socrates as related by Plato.
Socrates met his end in a very manly way. His last words to his friend was
to offer a “cock” to be sacrificed to the god of healing. His “disease” was
cured only by death.
One movie I cried at was “Untamed Heart (1993)” when the guy with the bad heart died. I remember because it happens toward the end of the movie. Directors didn’t give enough time to gain control and composed oneself before the hall lights come on. Felt embarrased as hell. I wasn’t alone in the crowd.
along with others in the audience
I have another two movies that get me every time…
Mr Holland’s Opus – where they play his music for him.
and this one I am embarassed about…
Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. I cannot get through the Order 66 scenes without tears on my cheeks.. For someone who grew up with Jedi’s and also having read all the comics, all the books related, to see them butchered by their own… Stupid bloody movies… One day I will get past that bit…
Hmmm… I honestly do my best in striving for manliness, I really do, I shave with a vintage safety razor, have an old-school haircut, advocate the use of pen-knives to eat apples and open envelopes etc… But lately I do find myself getting a bit blubbery and teary-eyed in more movies than I’d like-
Firstly- and I defy anyone not to not only cry big man-tears for the whole last part of the film, but also to be in a bit of a funk for a good few days afterwards, and get choked up at the thought of it- Grave of the Fireflies. This one should definitely be added to your list. It’s a Japanese animation from Studio Ghibli who brought you the likes of Spirited Away, but it’s not at all fantastical. It’s just about a boy and his little sister in Japan in WWII and it is too sad to think about. Apparently they play it once a year in Japan on national crying day.
Rather less excusable is crying, as I did, at the end of the recent Peter Jackson version of King Kong, just at the injustice of it all… That poor ape was an innocent I tell you…
I have recently been very disappointed in the apparent trend of male (especially high school/college) athletes crying when they lose. I’m not talking about a discreet tear or two, either. I have even seen almost entire teams blubbering like schoolgirls over their misfortune. Buck up, guys! Grow a set! Who taught them that this is acceptable? Is this a result of the lack of REAL men raising boys today? They’ve been told way too much that they DESERVE to win. I got news for you. You only deserve to win if you’re better than your opponent. My daughters cry less on the field. Shameful…
Forest Gump: When he is talking to Jennie at her grave site gets me every time.
I am a crier. I have lost loved ones; have been hurt so many times and in so many ways in my 42 years of Life. My very Best Friend, Jesus Christ has comforted me through it all. He has also wept with me and for me. There is a Bible Scripture that plainly tells us to ” rejoice with those who are rejoicing and weep those who are weeping.” Romans 12:15
If you need to cry….cry; but remember not to purposely make others cry.
If your crying keeps you from performing in a life and death situation…save it for later. You can do this!
If someone is depending on you to be strong…then be strong. Cry later.
I reckon One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest should be on your film list – damn good show always sad
Of course, it’s okay for a man to cry; there are certain times where it is okay, such as when he loses his wife/girlfriend or a child(ren), or when he goes to see certain tearjerker movies; one such example of anything making me cry happened when I was about 17 years old; one Sunday, I was sitting in church with my grandmother, and the preacher at her church asked if anyone wanted to give their life to or back to the Lord. I raised my hand, and as I did, a tear ran down my face, because I had never truly taken God or His word seriously up until that point in my life. About a year later, I was sitting in a movie theater in my home town with a group of kids I was going to school with at that time, and during the last 30-35 minutes or more of the film, which was appropriately titled “A Walk to Remember”, I actually began to feel tears roll down my face, because this film was actually so good and extremely heartwarming. In fact, that night when I got home, I could still feel tears running down my face, though not as much or as hard as during the film or on the way home after the movie was over. So, definitely, yes, there are times when it is okay for a man to cry.
Yes I agree. guys can have their emotional moments or times when they just cry but to be overly sensitive is not cool. like if my boyfriend were to share some tough things hes been through in his life and he gets teary i would be fine but if he cried about little things I don’t even cry about, he should just suck it up. Also I think it is steryeotypical and sexist to say girls cry more than men because everyone has different ways of dealing with pain and sadness and I for one don’t cry very much at all but it does build up into a big blow-up over small things but the thing is men do that too so we shouldnt get all weird about crying, its ok and if we all just move on, there wouldnt be problems with it.
I agree with almost everything, except for “Not to cry” # 5. When you’re frustrated. Crying because your overwhelmed and don’t know what to do is a cop out. You don’t have the strength to think of a solution, so you cry so you don’t have to think at all. Man up and figure out your next move. – I think that depends, obviously if you cry and give up, ok, it’s a cop-out, but sometimes crying helps to relieve the stress / frustration and allows you to look at the problem more calmly and rationally afterward.
Also, I agree with John’s #11, all tears of pride for children and grandchildren’s big moments should be included.
I didn’t see my dad cry often. I remember when one of the young men in our church (19 years old) died suddenly. As the pastor my dad spent the morning with the family, very close friends for many years, at the hospital. He came home for a shower and change of clothes around lunch time because he had been woken up and rushed out that morning. He walked into the kitchen and gave me the biggest hug I can remember and sobbed like a baby. He had been brave all morning, strong for the family, supportive. A few stray tears on his cheek. He had been a strong man, friend and pastor – now, he was a father grateful for his family.
I am going to be a father in Sept. I am so blessed to have such an example. My kids will have an example of what a man should be because I had an example.
Paul’s death was a very difficult time for me. It was the first time I really experienced death. He was my friend, guitar teacher and mentor – but the biggest lesson I took out of this came from my dad. In that day I saw a man be strong when others needed him. I saw him be completely vulnerable with his family. I saw him experience extreme emotion at the though that the same thing may one day happen to him – and I have never known as strongly that my dad loves me.
His single tears in the morning showed support and care – his sobbing in the afternoon showed his love.
I believe a real man MUST cry.
I give a definite yes to all the movies, especially the war movies… But Amen to Its A Wonderful LIfe, that is a true manly tear-jerker.
I second the request for a George Bailey article, but wait until the holiday season. One of the few movies that consistently makes me cry.
When should a man cry!?
When he is moved to tears! Duh!
My husband doesn’t cry frequently, but he does for all different kinds of reasons – either a good, satsifying, or a sad, satisfying ending of a movie…because of difficult interpersonal relationships, frustration, like if we’re having a bad fight (which doesn’t happen often, because we’re very in touch with our feelings!) Out of love – he cried when he proposed to me, and cried at our wedding ceremony. His tears make him incredibly attractive to me as someone I’d want to spend my life with – a man who is not in touch with his emotions, will not be able to express love or joy, either. You can’t turn off one emotion without turning them all off.
Sometimes it’s just plain inhuman for a man NOT to cry. He and I sometimes get misty-eyed when we see footage of 9/11, for example. It’s APPROPRIATE to cry at something devastating like that!
So go ahead! Cry when you feel moved to, and don’t when you don’t. The women in your life will not judge you. In fact, we’ll probably respect you more.
My grandmother once told me that the only time she ever knew my grandfather to cry was when he had just heard on the radio that Will Rogers had just been killed in a plane crash …
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