I look around at young people these days, and I honestly fear for the future of my country. People are becoming less and less resilient and more and more clueless on how to survive in the real world. We live in a society of namby pamby men and women who whine when they don’t get what they want and think they are entitled to all the comforts the world has to offer. What do I blame it on? Bad parenting.
Baby Boomer parents developed a parenting philosophy that was soft on discipline and heavy on spoiling their children. Because many Boomer couples were both working, they wanted to make sure their children liked them to make up for the lack of time they were spending with their children. Generation X parents are even worse about coddling their kids. To many many Gen X parents, children are just an accessory you get to dress up with ironic t-shirts and fauxhawks.
In an effort to stop the wussification of yet another generation of children, here are six ways young fathers can raise strong, resilient, and independent children.
1. Give them some independence
Several weeks ago there was a large brouhaha over a NY journalist having allowed her 9 year old son to ride the subway home all by himself. Some people chastised the mother for putting her son in danger, while others wrote in to applaud her decision and to share their own stories of taking solo adventures as a child. I, of course, side with the latter. Kids can’t venture a half a mile from their homes these days without parents worrying for their safety. I live in a quiet suburban neighborhood adjacent to a middle school. Every day, SUVs line up down the street to pick up their kids because heaven forbid they would walk the mile home by themselves. They could be snatched!
This culture of obsessive over-protectiveness is bred by the media. As the 24 hour news networks and Satan’s minion, Nancy Grace, regurgitate stories of abduction over and over and over again, it begins to seem like the world outside your suburban castle is a very dangerous place indeed. Yet the reality is very different from how the media spins it. According to Newsweek:
Nationwide, stranger abductions are extremely rare; there’s a one-in-a-million chance a child will be taken by a stranger, according to the Justice Department. And 90 percent of sexual abuse cases are committed by someone the child knows. Mortality rates from all causes, including disease and accidents, for American children are lower now than they were 25 years ago. According to Child Trends, a nonprofit, nonpartisan research group, between 1980 and 2003 death rates dropped by 44 percent for children ages five to 14 and 32 percent for teens aged 15 to 19.
Don’t coddle your kids by keeping them under lock and key and only letting them out if you can keep a constant eye on them. You’re squelching their development and sense of independence. Teach your kids how to stay out of trouble and away from strangers, and then turn them loose to ride their bikes, roam the neighborhoods, run errands, and walk to school by themselves.
2. Let them do unsafe things
“Helicopter parents” not only worry about their child being abducted, they wring their hands over letting their children do anything mildly unsafe. Everything today is childproof and fun proof. Have you been to a playground lately? Did you notice what was missing? Teeter-totters, merry-go-rounds, and sometimes even swings are going extinct, replaced by plastic coated, low to the ground, snooze inducing apparatuses. Some playgrounds even have signs that say “no running.” I kid you not. While these changes are often pushed by city managers worried about liability, parents are equally at fault in trying to clear any dangers from the path of their children. They fail to understand that while sticking kids in a protective bubble may keep them in safe in the short-term, it leaves them more vulnerable in the long run. Some lessons in safety must be learned from trial and error. If children don’t learn to deal with dangerous tools and situations growing up, when they finally leave the nest, they will be lacking in the skills necessary to negotiate the real world.
For more on this check out Gever Tulley’s lecture on “5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kid Do:”
3. Don’t be their best friend
I recently read an interview with Billy Ray Cyrus in which he was asked how he keeps his daughter Miley from turning into another Hollywood train wreck (this was before the topless pictures in Vanity Fair episode). He responded by saying, “I always try to be her best friend.” While many parents applaud such a philosophy, it is fundamentally the wrong way to raise a child. Parents want to believe they can be their child’s best friend because they enjoy such a healthy, close relationship. The reality is that parents want to be their child’s best friend because they’re afraid of their kid not liking them. But parenting is not a popularity contest. Being a true parent means that sometimes you have to lay down the rules, and oftentimes your kid is not going to like it. While “tough love” may be painful for both child and parent in the short term, it greatly benefits both in the long term. Kids don’t need a best friend, they need an authority figure. Deep down, they do want someone to lay down the rules and give them some structure. They want guidance. Best friends are equals, parents and children are not. If you insist on being your kid’s best friend, a situation will inevitably arise where you do finally try to reign them in and make them respect you. But it will be too late; they’ll feel free to toss your advice aside like they would for any friend.
4. Don’t automatically take their side
My mom works at an elementary school. One day, one of the students was causing all manner of trouble: disrespecting the teachers, throwing tantrums, and antagonizing the other children. It got to the point where the girl’s parents actually had to be called to come take the child home. When the mom arrived, she gave the teachers the stink eye, turned to her kid and said, “Awww, you’ve been having a tough day, haven’t you Sweetie? Let’s go buy you a toy.”
While it’s natural to think the best of your children, don’t be overly defensive when others criticize them. Teachers and friends typically do not have ulterior motives when sharing a story of your child’s misbehavior. As outside observers, they may have valuable insight into something about your kid that you have overlooked and need to address. Your child needs to earn your trust, just as anyone else does. Don’t give it to them automatically.
5. Make them work for what they get
Many young people today are swimming in debt up to their ears. They feel entitled to the things it took their parents 30 years to acquire. Such a problem exists because many young people have never had to earn the things they’ve enjoyed. They expect the good things in life to naturally flow into their lives.
If children are not given responsibilities and work as a young age, it’s harder to instill the ethic when they’re older. You’re doing your child a great disservice if you buy every stinking thing they want. Sure, it’s easier to just buy them the $10.00 toy just to shut their tantrum up. But all you’re doing is conditioning them to the idea that if you whine enough, you’ll get what you want.
By encouraging your children to work for what they get, you’ll be teaching them valuable skills that they will carry with them the rest of their life. Not only will they develop an appreciation for work, they’ll learn valuable money management skills, responsibility, and initiative.
During the early 1900’s kids were working 60 hours a week in factories and coal mines. While it was a deplorable situation, it shows that kids are capable of taking on far greater tasks than parents today are willing to give them. They may no longer have to break slate, but they can at least clean the bathroom and mow the lawn.
6. Don’t praise them indiscriminately
“If everyone is special, then no one is” -The Incredibles
One year, I volunteered at an after-school program at an elementary school. At the end of the summer we had an awards ceremony for the kids. The very PC director (no Pilgrim or Indian crafts on Thanksgiving!) insisted that every kid, whether they deserved one or not, had to receive an award, lest anyone should feel left out. So we were forced to think of awards even for the kids who had consistently misbehaved and caused trouble. Upon such students we ended up bestowing the “High Energy Award.” What a crock.
What’s the point of an award if everyone gets one? What’s the point in striving to be your best, if everyone is equally rewarded? Praise then loses all of its meaning, even for those who really deserve it.Every parent believes their kid is special; that’s natural. But if you heap enormous and unwarranted praise on your kids, it’s going to end up debilitating them. Praising your child indiscriminately sends the message that praise is not earned, it is something one is naturally entitled too. It will end up dissolving their competitive drive. These children grow up believing they can do anything and everything well. Thus, they become restless at every job, quit, go to culinary school, then getting a masters in philosophy, and then think they’d like to try to enter the space program.
The reality is that there are certain things we are good at, and certain things we are not. If you praise your kids for everything, they’ll have a harder time honing in on their true talents and abilities. Instead of praising them indiscriminately, center your praise on specific achievements. For example, say, “You did a great job on your math test.” Not, “You are so smart and wonderful!”
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THANKS .A READING WILL GIVE A FAIR IDEA AS TO HOW WE SHOULD RAISE OUR CHILDREN.
Provocative post with terrific content, Brett! I’m a Gen X parent myself and can be something of a helicopter. There’s a balance. One of the reasons I helicopter my kid a little is to keep him from annoying others – I don’t let him run wild in stores, restaurants, etc.
I agree with what you’re saying for the most part, but we moved to this sleepy little seaside town 4 years ago (the kind of place where nothing ever happens) and within a couple of months there really was a “stranger” trying to abduct children. Thankfully after several unsuccessful attempts he disappeared. A couple of years later, a family in town was in a roll-over accident. Only their 11 year old son was killed because he was the only one not wearing a seatbelt.
So while I agree that there is much over-coddling out there, there are also real risks and dangers that we as parents are responsible for protecting our children from. It is fine to say I did this or that when I was a kid and I’m still here, but the children who died doing this or that aren’t here to say I did this or that and died doing it so don’t let your kid do it.
I try to find the “happy medium.” I let my kids play with toy guns (much to the chagrin of family and some friends), they play unsupervised down at the bogs, they wittle with knives, shoot their bow and arrows, and climb every tree with branches close enough to the ground for them to reach, but I also have a few things that I just don’t let them do.
Thanks for your post – and let’s let the kids be kids!
It’s easy to use statistics like that to say that it’s really not that dangerous out there in the burbs. But, what do you tell someone like myself who’s children have been kidnapped? I agree with this article for the most part but it’s hard to have that attitude when something like that has happened to my children. Now, if anybody looks at them funny I’ve got a knife to their throat. But who knows, maybe I’ve just paranoid. And rightfully so.
Dear Sir,
This might possibly be the the most rediculous article I have ever read on parenting. I have never seen a writer string together so many generalizations and stereotypes in my life. I’m truely surprised that you did not end with,” And you kids better stay off of my lawn!”
I am a baby boomer and I will continue to coddle my kids. If God grants me the years, I will coddle my grandchildren as well. I have three daughters that will know every day how much I love them. That’s what children need. I grew up with a father and mother that only knew how to scream orders and pile on chores. My parents didn’t believe in spoiling their kids, they believed in beating them. Corporal punishment never helped me respect them – it made me hate them and want to leave. I never once heard “I love you” from either of them. And while some may find that “namby pamby”, I find it is essential to raising children. In short – the good old days weren’t so good.
I don’t believe previous generations have done a better job of parenting. I believe that most people do the best they can AND THERE IS NO MANUAL! (With the possible exception of the bible). A good place to start is just loving them. Many people struggle with that, so sometimes it gets exhibited in a material way. I am blessed with the gift of poverty – so that’s not an option. Yet, I find ways to coddle them even as a poor man.
I am disappointed in this article. I, by and large, enjoy much of what comes out of this website, but you genuinely missed the mark here. Why not an article on how we can do more for kids in our communities? Perhaps an article on mentoring. Perhaps even an article in defense of our children, for I am often brought to tears by the crimes I see committed against children every evening on the news. The world is ugly – children are innocent. You really need to change your paradigm. I will leave you with something my grandfather told me when I was a young man. “A man never stands so tall, as when he stoops to help a child.”
Respectfully,
Geoff Sager
Griffith IN
@ John C. Randolph: Thank you for your comment but I respectfully disagree. Sorry, but I cannot accept that. Obviously, once my children become adults they can proceed as they wish, but I would have remained loyal to my principles and not let them get in touch with unclean ideas, suggestions, etc. Harry Potter is all about sorcery and witchcraft, in other words Satanism with some cool special effects and attractive story to attract kids.
Below are some verses on which I base this:
Proverbs 4:13-15 “Hold firmly to my teaching and never let go. It will mean life for you. Don’t follow the bad example of cruel and evil people. Turn aside and keep going. Stay away from them.”
Proverbs 22:6 “Teach your children right from wrong, and when they are grown they will still do right.”
Also check Deuteronomy 18:10-12 “There shall not be found in you one who passes his son or his daughter through the fire, one that uses divination, an observer of clouds, or one divining, or a whisperer of spells, or a magic charmer, or one consulting mediums, or a spirit-knower, or one inquiring of the dead. For all doing these things are an abomination to Jehovah. And because of these filthy acts Jehovah your God is dispossessing these nations before you.”
The Lord is clear that any practice of sorcery or witchcraft (as Harry Potter practices and proposes) is a curse. So, if my principles are Christian based, I wouldn’t be a good man to my family if I allowed things like this.
Many blessings to all,
Art Gonzalez
Check my Squidoo Lens at: Quantum Knights
Anyone gonna delete Tito Toronto’s quote? Beating your kids? Spanking, yes, but a punch or a slap? It’s offensive and presented in a style inconsistent with this blog, including the use of the f word. And referring to women as bitches is NOT manly.
well said, brett.
i think some people have misread the article. i don’t think the author is advocating being mean or depriving your children. no one ever said anything about not telling your kids you love them or being negligent and stupid about caring for your kids.
of course you need to tell your kids you love them and praise them when they excel, but instilling a sense of entitlement and arrogance puts them at a disadvantage rather than making them a better individual.
@Geoff, I agree that grandparents should spoil their grandkids, that’s what grandparents do. i also agree that it is wrong for parents to never praise their children or express love. i don’t think the author was encouraging parents to be heartless jerks. you can still show love to your kids while being an authority figure in their lives.
and yes, the dude that said punching your kids is a good idea is pretty much a moron. i hope that was a joke or something.
@Art Gonzalez
I’m a Christian and enjoy the Harry Potter books. I like G.K. Chesterton’s take on “magic” and “fairy tales,” saying they point a child to the supernatural in a way that is healthy. J.R.R. Tolkein and C.S. Lewis created magical characters in a Christian world view, and I’ve found the Harry Potter books contain many of the same elements of those great works of Christian fantasy.
Science fiction creates a tale around science by suspending some of it’s fundamental laws: like you can’t eat soup on a spaceship because of the absence of gravity in space. They do this in order to point out other important points of science and its consequences.
In the same way, fantasy suspends some fundamental spiritual laws. If you can transform someone into a cheese sandwich in real life, then you shouldn’t be walking around in the open. But in a book – the characters aren’t damned for sorcery, because there are different laws created to show other, more relevant spiritual lessons, like those of charity, loyalty, kindness, and bravery.
Sorry for being so wordy…
@Art,
While I see where you’re coming from, have you considered some other books? Harry Potter is not the first nor the last series to feature “magic.” Example: The Chronicles of Narnia. The Chronicles of Narnia were written by C.S. Lewis, one of the leading theologians of our time, and the books have very clear symbolism which illustrate principles laid out by Jesus in the Bible. Yet they also include “magic” very much along the lines of the “magic” in Harry Potter.
One of the keys I think is teaching your kids to discern between reality and fantasy. While I am a Christian who believes dabbling in occult-related practices is a definite no-no, I also realize that the magic within Harry Potter is not real: it is fiction. They are merely stories, and are not magic themselves. There is nothing wrong with reading them.
To prohibit Harry Potter on the basis of “witchcraft” is a little like saying you could never tell ANY stories because telling them is like lying (since you’re saying something that presumably never happened). Jesus also told some figurative stories (parables) to illustrate points, but they are not considered lying because of their *intended purpose*.
The intended purpose of Harry Potter is not to teach sorcery to kids, but rather to entertain with wonderful stories. If you were buying your kids a “guide to black magic” I would be concerned, but Harry Potter is far from being “sorcery and witchcraft.”
I think if you gave the books a chance and read them you would see what I mean.
I LOVED this post. I am not a father yet but I have the same concerns children as you mention here. Not being your childs best freind does not mean you have to be a jerk or short with them. Growing up in my house I always knew who was in charge and who had the last word in any situation, and I have a wonderful relationships with both of my parents now because of it. One day I look forward to using some of your advise to raise my own.
Here’s a little f-er that should have been beat as a kid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vQASUdUoHA
You know, Artie, when you try to argue ad veracundiam, it’s rather ridiculous to cite your own favorite work of fiction as an authority.
Now, you may enjoy your imaginary friend (and I’m sure you do), but face the fact that you’re making your children pay for it. In other words, be a man.
-jcr
I was not coddled when I was a kid (although I didn’t have to work), and I thanks my father for that. It’s very easy to spoil a child by doing so. Great article!
I agree giving responsibility to children helps them grow up to be mature and capable individuals however, PRACTICING responsibility is just as important, not only to set an example to children but to keep them safe.
I hope the author of this article and those applauding him/her unconditionally are not parents, this would explain why you would see nothing wrong with sending a child out alone on a subway. If you do have children then I think you are lacking natural affection for then in not considering what could (and does, you idiots) happen to (a small number of) children who are left unattended like this. Their parents are destroyed internally and are a shadow of their former selves, for the rest of their lives, in not knowing the fate of their children who were snatched away from them.
Would you leave a small child who cannot swim unattended while they play next to a pool? Granted, this hazard in plain view but do you know the people riding on the subway? What you call “teaching independence” I call irresponsibility (or more likely immaturity). You have no business being responsible for the life of another human being.
“Teachers and friends typically do not have ulterior motives when sharing a story of your child’s misbehavior.”
Maybe not friends, but teachers “typically” do have ulterior motives. Their reports are always based on their personal feelings; they overlook seriously bad behavior from the kids they like and make false accusations to those they don’t. Their un-favorites are also punished if they complain about being physically assaulted by the favorites. Teachers are not trustworthy people, and a sensible parent will automatically be suspicious of anything they say.
I have witnessed some incredibly disruptive behavior in the schools I went to, far worse than the alleged incident you’re talking about, carried out by the teachers’ favorites. They certainly never called the parents to take those rampaging little monsters home. The girl in the story you told probably just cried for a minute or accidentally knocked something over, or maybe cried out in pain when a favorite hit her – last year I saw a woman tear her son’s hair out because he cried out when his brother hit him. Thank goodness that girl’s mother had the sense to realize it.
I agree with giving kids independence. While growing up my best friend and I ran around exploring the neighborhood and the woods near by. We climbed stuff, got lost and found our own way back, and (gasp) played with bb guns, pocket knives and fireworks; and this wasn’t more than 15 years ago. The new solution seems to be not letting kids have pocket knives and bb guns instead of teaching them don’t shoot yourself in the foot. And even then some lessons have to be learned the hard way. Everyone of my scars has been a lesson in some form, plus chicks dig them.
You forgot the most important one, reach back and bitch slap them upside the damn head when they act up or pull something stupid…
i am in an awkward position. my youngest is a special needs kid, and as such, in the school system we’re in, i have to battle for any help for him at all. however, if he’s not behaving well, i have to back the teachers up as well (they’re trying very hard to mainstream him). the hard part is finding that fine line in between, where i’m doing all i can to help him, and yet let him get his knocks when and where needed.
that being said, he and his older brother have to earn any money i give them. in the s ummer, it’s mowing the lawn(s). in the winter, it’s scooping the walks. and when we do go out to bookstores, etc, they are only allowed to take a limited amount of cash with them, so they have to work within their “budget.” i hope it’s working.
@ hayden
about the ‘no broken bones’ thing.
I’m in my 20’s, I’ve never broken anything, not that I didn’t have the oppurtunity. I used to skateboard ALOT, jumped into or off of things, etc. etc.
just lucky. which is all it tends to be sometimes how you land if you fall or whatever.
but parents are too lacking in responsibility (as in what they’re teaching their kids today), and WAY too overprotective then even 15 years ago when I was growing up.
Astoria mom
I am a mother of two
I had a great childhood and love my parents to this day
know that there are different threats today than yesterday
know that there are many ways to parent
but also
my kids have played with fire- their dad is a firefighter. They know how to be safe
they have driven in big open parking lots
they throw stuff
We have unscrewed everything in my minivan
they are happy and curious.
different strokes……
I couldn’t disagree with you more. I’m the parent of a gifted seven year old. I coddle her by your standards and will continue to do so. I wish I’d been more coddled as a child. I was set free after school every day and lots of bad things happened to me. Things that haunt me to this day. I’m lucky I wasn’t raped or worse. I almost was.
You and everyone who agrees with you should be ashamed of yourselves.
You’ve generalized and simplified the issues. For example, being your child’s best friend while still being an effective disciplinarian is very possible. Why do you feel that it’s either/or? That makes no sense at all.
Have you ever looked up the number and location of sex offenders near your home? It’s shocking! They’re everywhere!
My daughter has a friend whose parents raise her according to the ideas set forth in this article, which is to say that they barely raise her at all. She wanders the neighborhood daily getting into all sorts of trouble. Not only is she dirty looking, but at eight years old she has a hard edge to her that I find really sad. You only get one childhood. It’s so sad when it’s taken away at an early age.
Mostly, I feel sorry for your children.
Times have changed I suggest u guys change with it. Personally I wouldn’t let my 9 year old kid take the subway in toronto (where i live close by). In my eyes years of suffocation beats a few minutes of rape and maybe murder. I am in my 1 year of child psychology and so far I dont really have a complaint about how parents are raising their children. they do waht they think is best for there kids. sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. Which brings me to another thing. I would rather have my kid under suppervision then having to beat them and call them little fuckers (Tito Toronto). Tito You may think you are doing the best thing for your kids but calling them little fuckers and giving them a “beat down” is in my eyes abuse. If you read some books and have enough time and trial and error u could teach your kid how to act thus eliminating the need for name calling and beatings. BTW take some parenting classes. I think you need them.
Fantastic stuff. Well written and insightful.
“Get off my lawn!” indeed.
Yawn. Trashing people for being ‘PC’ is about the laziest, most over-used cliche out there. And ‘we’re being too soft on the kids!’ is a hysterical refrain that’s been used by EVERY generation. What a boring, boring piece. I thought manliness could include originality and nuance. This website borders on parody. Get over it, lads, and get on with things. Hand-wringing isn’t manly. Whining about how the world’s going down the toilet isn’t manly.
Thank you for writing that. I am about a generation younger than the parents of my children’s friends and have noticed a lot of the ‘helicopter parent’ problems. My daughter is angry with me because we aren’t best friends. I don’t think it’s a healthy way to parent by being your child’s friend – they need guidance, not a buddy.
Kudos!
As a 12-year-old daughter I COMPLETELY agree with you.
I wish my parents could follow this.
Earning something is a key lesson that you can start early. Whether a kid or an adult, you appreciate something more that you’ve had to work for. I invented a gift giving game for my three nieces that involved them doing reading and problem solving to “earn” their gifts rather. They had so much fun, I created a service out of it on my web site. Kids need to be challenged just like adults.
Super post. I’ll be sharing a link here from my blog! Thank you.
I agree with most of this article, except that you left out one important thing. It is against the law to be a kid, and to raise a child using the method on which we were raised! While I was raising my kids I held fast to the values you speak of, but I meet with resistance from outside forces. I wanted my children to be held responsible for mistakes they made, such as break someone else’s window the child is to pay for it to be repaired. However when my child broke someone else’s window and tried to tell the people he was sorry and would pay for it, the law was called and criminal mischief charges were filed. His father and I ended up helping him pay about 3 times the amount of the actual window. They cannot defend themselves from bullies either; the children that do defend themselves can have charges press against him or her. I truly believe in the method you write about, but in order to do it the local, state, and national governments must leave the parents too it. We have to have the right to use our own judgment in the punishment of our children. We do not need a village to raise a child; we need parents to raise a child.
Very well put. I hate that all the teams get trophies now even if they’re in 99th place. The kids throw them in the back of the closet. The ones they earned– they treasure. This overprotective PC-ness is bringing down (some would say has brought down) our country.
I read a related article in GLAMOUR, in which an executive said that she’s had people CRY in her office because it’s the first time someone has told them they did something wrong! We need to help our kids grow tougher skin to grow as people.
…and the truth shall set you free!!! As others have said, I couldn’t have said it better myself. You didn’t say a single word that I disagree with.
I partially don’t agree with you. I do believe that kids should have their independence but I don’t believe that children should be able to wonder the streets alone. My son was in our driveway playing when an idiot driver backed into our driveway and ran over him. He died as a result. After that day, I changed my entire way of thinking.
An incredible post filled with truth and I hope thousands of parents get to read this. I definitely agree giving kids more independence is a must. Reading this reminded me of the extremely needy and spoiled teenagers I’ve seen in the “Sweet 16″ MTV series. Parents, do you really want your children to turn into that?
What a great post. Another problem with parents is that they have no goal in mind as they raise their kids. You should want to have kids who become independent and competent adults who can function on their own.
I not only followed your 6 guidelines, but here are a few of my own:
1. As soon as the kids were old enough to take to a McDonald’s or whatever, they had to learn to behave. They had to learn to sit and finish their meal, – then they could play on the playground. Once they mastered that concept, I would take them to a low key restaurant (little Chinese place in a strip mall or something). Now, they learned about being served, how the food comes, everyone pays to have a nice “lunch” and they don’t want to be bothered with screaming kids. This made them feel really grown up and special…because they were practicing grown up skills like patience and self control. They learned the world doesn’t revolve around you. And You can’t always have your way.
You build up to these things over time. Life is so much more enjoyable when you don’t have to threaten or bribe your kids to behave.
2. Never make a consequence you are not prepared to back up. Once I was in line at a McDonalds and the kids started acting up and we left. You should have heard the commotion!! It was great. They had the mistaken notion that if you were in line, you could never leave – no matter how badly you were behaving. I also left a Target store while we were looking for beach towels (because they were acting up). It didn’t matter if it was 1 kid or both – the same penalty was levied. After those 2 instances, they were converted and I rarely had to deal with their nonsense.
Plus, they began to see the dividends of all the cool and neat things we could do as a family…because their controlled behavior made it possible. They knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the “fun” ended the minute they started acting up. Reward the good behavior by doing the fun thing you set out to do, and punish by not doing it.
3. Behavior rewarded is behavior repeated. Do not scream and yell at your kids – constantly repeating yourself. They already heard you. They know what you said. They are just choosing to disobey or blow you off -or both. You are just conditioning them to ONLY “respond to you, when you are losing it – by screaming and threatening them”.
When they act up. Just calmly enact the punishment/consequence. That way they learn to pay attention to your normal tone of voice and even become aware of body language.
Disrespect breeds abuse. Nobody should ever disrespect anyone in the house. Husband to wife, wife to husband, or parents to kids, or kids to kids. I always talked to my children respectfully, I never cursed or swore or insulted or called them names, or in any way diminished their value or worth. By the same token, I expected the same in return. Praise in public -punish in private.
5. By the time they were in high school, I was encouraging them to make their own Dr. appointments or deal with the auto repair guy. The technique is: The first time they WATCH Me do it, the second time They do it and I will assist if necessary and the third time – they do it on their own.
When they smarted off about me not doing laundry enough – I said fine, “you can do it from now on.” And since 5th grade – they have been doing their own laundry. If they were lazy and didn’t do their laundry, wasn’t my problem. It wasn’t until they had to do it…they could even begin to appreciate the luxury of having someone else do it for you.
It was pretty much after the laundry thing, that they stopped complaining about anything else…for obvious reasons.
6. Don’t always be giving them stuff or money. You are just conditioning them to see you as an “ATM”. When you come back from a business trip – they should be missing You..and not just eagerly awaiting the junky toy you picked up at the airport gift shop.
Nancy Grace IS indeed Satan’s minion!
Perfect!!! I totally aggree with your post and yet, having two sons ages 3 and 5 of my own I recognize some areas I have been “coddling” my kids too! Thanks for the swift kick in the rear…I needed it!
Sheila
Your Incredibles quote is incorrect.
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Incredibles
“I’ll give them heroics. I’ll give them the most spectacular heroics they’ve ever seen! And when I’m old and I’ve had my fun, I’ll sell my inventions so everyone can be superheroes! Everyone can be super! And when everyone’s super, [laughs maniacally] no one will be.”
Actually Mr. Nitpick, we’re both wrong. The quote I was referencing is different from the quote you have referenced. It says:
Helen: Everyone’s special, Dash.
Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.
Brett, Sorry about that! I had always thought that was a fantastic quote about the dangers of “rewarding mediocrity”. Thank you again for the great article!
Well, this article is find and dandy and unfortunately a little late for most (at least in California – home base to the single/disfunctional parent families)
While most people reading this would be fine saying “this is soooo true” or “I totally agree”. Truth is: only those already raising their children this way are going to be the only ones who keep doing it. What’s more is that in these cases it won’t even matter what state their family is in; single parent, both parents etc. It’s because they were raised properly so it is built into their psychology.
In reality it would be impossible for parents to actually change their ways just as much as it would be impossible (nearly) for these guidelines to stay in effect with the children for whom they are intended.
The best parenting can be viewed in the animal kingdom, hands down. For example; what happens to a lion cub that disrespects the lion? Or what about the gorilla – do you think a gorilla baby is going to act up without getting a chuck norris style beat down or even worse? no. Do these babies grow up to be dysfunctional or any different from what they are supposed to be? no. Put it together.
They say that there is no rule book for parenting. They are right. You’ve given great examples of what should already be apparent to any parent worth their weight. It’s too bad that it won’t even matter to half the population.
That’s what I always teasingly tell my kids:
“You’re unique and special!!……….just like everyone else in the world”.
This always gets a good eye-ball roll from them.
Excellent post all round, Brett. I thank my parents regularly that they followed a similar strategy in raising me. I feel it should be mentioned though, that the major motivating factor in the degradation of playgrounds to foam-padded, brightly-colored lumps of plastic is not directly to ‘protect the children’. Many playgrounds, particularly school playgrounds, are trying to protect themselves from lawsuits from the aforementioned ‘helicopter parents’ after Jimmy Snowflake comes home with a skinned knee. When someone non-parental is responsible for the children on the playground, even the threat of a lawsuit is enough to keep playgrounds from including anything dangerous (read: fun).
I absolutely agree with all of this, but #5 particularly rings true for me. I am swimming in debt up to my ears and it’s precisely because of the sense of entitlement that you speak of. Love the site in general- keep it up!
learning to use tools and build things by using sharp objects or fire were some of the best times when I was 10. I sure did learn a lot.
I think that #1 on the list is a bit misleading though because those statistics are taken on a national level. Of course more rural areas are going to be significantly lower than urban areas and section 8 areas. You get lower percentages with those umbrella stats. In my opinion, you need to have good idea of the area you live in and the know crime rates because those are the real statistics.
I am so glad my mother did not coddle me. I was raised to be independent from a very young age.
It turned me into an independent 25-year-old. I guess part of the reason why I was never smothered at any age, is that we’re not a middle-class family. Never have been. Lower-income families think , and raise their children differently.
And finally…not matter how you raise your kids, they will have issues. So you might as well raise them to be self sufficient. My children are young but they wash the dishes, and their clothes, and I let them work out their own problems.
I provide the means for them to do what they need to and they know that I am always there to catch them when they fall. I will not however carry them because they are afraid to walk!!
KUDOS to this post!
Every child should own a bike. They should be taught to ride and fix it by their fathers at an early age.
I agree .. let the kids play and ride their bikes around . sleep out in the yard in their blanket tents they worked on the whole day before and have popcorn and koolaid stands even though their customer might be someone they dont know BUT ALSO LET THE PARENTS leave the windows open for some fresh air and take to the front porch or the city parks for cooking out and their time in the great outdoors instead of barricaded behind 6 foot block walls in their backyard and LET THE PARENTS begin to stop fearing striking up some conversation with some one they dont know and those with no home …. because every time we ve changed the way we live ( locked our doors put bars on our windows stopped hanging out after dark ) for fear of some crime some unacceptable behavior thats gone on out there we ve without meaning to “accepting” the crime and behavior and it becomes our way of life .. before we ll let our kids out we ll have to ourselves stop being afraid of whats out there at least thats what i think .. but maybe im wrong …
I agree 100% with all of you. Every child should own a bike and learn to ride it at an early age. Remove those training wheels mom and dad, your kids will love you forever for it.
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