I look around at young people these days, and I honestly fear for the future of my country. People are becoming less and less resilient and more and more clueless on how to survive in the real world. We live in a society of namby pamby men and women who whine when they don’t get what they want and think they are entitled to all the comforts the world has to offer. What do I blame it on? Bad parenting.
Baby Boomer parents developed a parenting philosophy that was soft on discipline and heavy on spoiling their children. Because many Boomer couples were both working, they wanted to make sure their children liked them to make up for the lack of time they were spending with their children. Generation X parents are even worse about coddling their kids. To many many Gen X parents, children are just an accessory you get to dress up with ironic t-shirts and fauxhawks.
In an effort to stop the wussification of yet another generation of children, here are six ways young fathers can raise strong, resilient, and independent children.
1. Give them some independence
Several weeks ago there was a large brouhaha over a NY journalist having allowed her 9 year old son to ride the subway home all by himself. Some people chastised the mother for putting her son in danger, while others wrote in to applaud her decision and to share their own stories of taking solo adventures as a child. I, of course, side with the latter. Kids can’t venture a half a mile from their homes these days without parents worrying for their safety. I live in a quiet suburban neighborhood adjacent to a middle school. Every day, SUVs line up down the street to pick up their kids because heaven forbid they would walk the mile home by themselves. They could be snatched!
This culture of obsessive over-protectiveness is bred by the media. As the 24 hour news networks and Satan’s minion, Nancy Grace, regurgitate stories of abduction over and over and over again, it begins to seem like the world outside your suburban castle is a very dangerous place indeed. Yet the reality is very different from how the media spins it. According to Newsweek:
Nationwide, stranger abductions are extremely rare; there’s a one-in-a-million chance a child will be taken by a stranger, according to the Justice Department. And 90 percent of sexual abuse cases are committed by someone the child knows. Mortality rates from all causes, including disease and accidents, for American children are lower now than they were 25 years ago. According to Child Trends, a nonprofit, nonpartisan research group, between 1980 and 2003 death rates dropped by 44 percent for children ages five to 14 and 32 percent for teens aged 15 to 19.
Don’t coddle your kids by keeping them under lock and key and only letting them out if you can keep a constant eye on them. You’re squelching their development and sense of independence. Teach your kids how to stay out of trouble and away from strangers, and then turn them loose to ride their bikes, roam the neighborhoods, run errands, and walk to school by themselves.
2. Let them do unsafe things
“Helicopter parents” not only worry about their child being abducted, they wring their hands over letting their children do anything mildly unsafe. Everything today is childproof and fun proof. Have you been to a playground lately? Did you notice what was missing? Teeter-totters, merry-go-rounds, and sometimes even swings are going extinct, replaced by plastic coated, low to the ground, snooze inducing apparatuses. Some playgrounds even have signs that say “no running.” I kid you not. While these changes are often pushed by city managers worried about liability, parents are equally at fault in trying to clear any dangers from the path of their children. They fail to understand that while sticking kids in a protective bubble may keep them in safe in the short-term, it leaves them more vulnerable in the long run. Some lessons in safety must be learned from trial and error. If children don’t learn to deal with dangerous tools and situations growing up, when they finally leave the nest, they will be lacking in the skills necessary to negotiate the real world.
For more on this check out Gever Tulley’s lecture on “5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kid Do:”
3. Don’t be their best friend
I recently read an interview with Billy Ray Cyrus in which he was asked how he keeps his daughter Miley from turning into another Hollywood train wreck (this was before the topless pictures in Vanity Fair episode). He responded by saying, “I always try to be her best friend.” While many parents applaud such a philosophy, it is fundamentally the wrong way to raise a child. Parents want to believe they can be their child’s best friend because they enjoy such a healthy, close relationship. The reality is that parents want to be their child’s best friend because they’re afraid of their kid not liking them. But parenting is not a popularity contest. Being a true parent means that sometimes you have to lay down the rules, and oftentimes your kid is not going to like it. While “tough love” may be painful for both child and parent in the short term, it greatly benefits both in the long term. Kids don’t need a best friend, they need an authority figure. Deep down, they do want someone to lay down the rules and give them some structure. They want guidance. Best friends are equals, parents and children are not. If you insist on being your kid’s best friend, a situation will inevitably arise where you do finally try to reign them in and make them respect you. But it will be too late; they’ll feel free to toss your advice aside like they would for any friend.
4. Don’t automatically take their side
My mom works at an elementary school. One day, one of the students was causing all manner of trouble: disrespecting the teachers, throwing tantrums, and antagonizing the other children. It got to the point where the girl’s parents actually had to be called to come take the child home. When the mom arrived, she gave the teachers the stink eye, turned to her kid and said, “Awww, you’ve been having a tough day, haven’t you Sweetie? Let’s go buy you a toy.”
While it’s natural to think the best of your children, don’t be overly defensive when others criticize them. Teachers and friends typically do not have ulterior motives when sharing a story of your child’s misbehavior. As outside observers, they may have valuable insight into something about your kid that you have overlooked and need to address. Your child needs to earn your trust, just as anyone else does. Don’t give it to them automatically.
5. Make them work for what they get
Many young people today are swimming in debt up to their ears. They feel entitled to the things it took their parents 30 years to acquire. Such a problem exists because many young people have never had to earn the things they’ve enjoyed. They expect the good things in life to naturally flow into their lives.
If children are not given responsibilities and work as a young age, it’s harder to instill the ethic when they’re older. You’re doing your child a great disservice if you buy every stinking thing they want. Sure, it’s easier to just buy them the $10.00 toy just to shut their tantrum up. But all you’re doing is conditioning them to the idea that if you whine enough, you’ll get what you want.
By encouraging your children to work for what they get, you’ll be teaching them valuable skills that they will carry with them the rest of their life. Not only will they develop an appreciation for work, they’ll learn valuable money management skills, responsibility, and initiative.
During the early 1900’s kids were working 60 hours a week in factories and coal mines. While it was a deplorable situation, it shows that kids are capable of taking on far greater tasks than parents today are willing to give them. They may no longer have to break slate, but they can at least clean the bathroom and mow the lawn.
6. Don’t praise them indiscriminately
“If everyone is special, then no one is” -The Incredibles
One year, I volunteered at an after-school program at an elementary school. At the end of the summer we had an awards ceremony for the kids. The very PC director (no Pilgrim or Indian crafts on Thanksgiving!) insisted that every kid, whether they deserved one or not, had to receive an award, lest anyone should feel left out. So we were forced to think of awards even for the kids who had consistently misbehaved and caused trouble. Upon such students we ended up bestowing the “High Energy Award.” What a crock.
What’s the point of an award if everyone gets one? What’s the point in striving to be your best, if everyone is equally rewarded? Praise then loses all of its meaning, even for those who really deserve it.Every parent believes their kid is special; that’s natural. But if you heap enormous and unwarranted praise on your kids, it’s going to end up debilitating them. Praising your child indiscriminately sends the message that praise is not earned, it is something one is naturally entitled too. It will end up dissolving their competitive drive. These children grow up believing they can do anything and everything well. Thus, they become restless at every job, quit, go to culinary school, then getting a masters in philosophy, and then think they’d like to try to enter the space program.
The reality is that there are certain things we are good at, and certain things we are not. If you praise your kids for everything, they’ll have a harder time honing in on their true talents and abilities. Instead of praising them indiscriminately, center your praise on specific achievements. For example, say, “You did a great job on your math test.” Not, “You are so smart and wonderful!”
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I am wondering if the guy that wrote this even has children!! Some people can’t let their children wonder around their neighborhood for the fact of how bad it is. I believe that all children should be cuddled!! Not overly cuddled to where they dont do anything for theirselves but to know that their parents love them and want them to succeed. Not all parents are what the article says. I cuddle my child but also discipline him and i teach and encourage him to be independent….as long as he knows that when he needs me i am there. Never take sides stay nuetral and get both stories. How does a child learn how to ride a bike without having first training wheels to learn balance? So why take away the training wheels? I agee with some parts of this article but i mostly disagree its all who the parent is and how THEY want to raise their child!!!!
I’m sorry for being about 3 months late in commenting – but I really have to say something about this article.
I find the article very Western-centric – it suscribes to the Western style of bringing children up. It makes an assumption that all parents are indulgently so when there are many cultures which are completely opposite, such as Eastern and Asian cultures. Perhaps the article should clarify that this article only applies to the indulgent (Western?) parents, and perhaps, to the parents who scarcely indulge (Eastern?) – they should learn to indulge their children a little as well.
The article should emphasize on a balance between discipline and coddling, not merely or simply to ’stop coddling’, because some parents really don’t coddle.
I am only seventeen, and my siblings and cousins (aged 7-12) are brought up in this same manner. Our parents from the Babyboomer era are admittedly work-centric, but their fresh memories of the harsh childhood they had imparted a lot of frugal values to their us. Being Asian also meant a lot of community-based values such as humility, discipline, obedience, with the use of corporal punishment (and what perhaps may constitute as “child abuse” in US). I walked to my own preschool and cooked my own meals before I went to grade school. My parents never bought me anything as a gift and never celebrated birthdays; even with being a top student my parents never praised me, they focused on all the ‘areas for improvement’ aka shortcomings; they were figures of authority and left me independent to fight my own fights. My parents never defended me before my teachers (in China, many teachers possess so much power and authority they can humiliate parents unjustly.) Despite the fact that it may have contributed to my resilience today, I still wish my parents coddled me more.
Anyhow, I think the article should emphasize more upon how the right balance of discipline and coddling should be achieved, instead of making the assumption that coddling is pervasive or sending the impression that coddling is necessarily bad.
What exactly is riding a subway alone at 9 years old going to teach a child? And by god, I do hope that by “5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kid Do†you mean “5 Dangerous Things You Should TEACH your kid to do.†Keeping them under supervision isn’t coddling them or unnecessarily shielding them. It’s taking a proper precaution against very real dangers. Give them freedom, give them responsibility, but BE THERE in case it was a really fucking dumb idea.
I love the abduction statistics. /sarcasm, in case you lot were coddled too much to get the insinuation. Try citing them to someone who’s kid has (or has almost) disappeared. Telling your audience (which is obviously impressionable parents who don’t have their own set morals, guidelines and regulations) the equivalent of “It won’t happen to your kids, so it’s okay to be a lazy fuck and let them roam,” is complete bullshit.
Don’t just let them play with bbguns. Take them to a Gun Safety course. Teach them the morals of not randomly shooting wildlife (versus hunting) just because they hold the tool in their hands.
They’re kids. You don’t have to unleash them out in the world to learn what needs to be done when facing it. They need your examples and instruction and opportunities to take it on with you back in their corner.
And for all of you “Well, I don’t have kids yet, but I agree! OH and here is what I think parents should do,” shut the fuck up. You lost credibility the INSTANT you admitted NO experience. “I babysat” or “I raised my younger siblings” can also take a seat. There is NOTHING that will compare to your own flesh and blood, and EVERYTHING changes once it is reality and not mere hypothesis. I know it sounds like I’m saying you don’t have an opinion, but that’s not my point. My point is, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
its so true, its like an immunity. the adults that were raised with challenges seem to have so much more character and independence, they seem so much more prepared then the ones that were spoiled rotten and cottled. when i say immunity i mean the best way to learn is trial and error, doing things on your own, not being a puppet, they have to learn to think for themselves. i think kids are ten times smarter and capable then what we give them credit for, i think todays mentality is very limiting to what they could be achieving. ps. i have three kids.
I think some of the critics fail the reading comprehension tests. “give your kids independence” does not equal “let them aimlessly roam the streets” The example Brett uses is specifically related to transportation, getting from one place to another.
When I was little, I used to walk to school. Lots of other kids were walking or driving at the same time, there were people about, it was SAFE. Same with the subway, its packed full of people, if the kid is smart and has been taught not to go with strangers, he will be fine. Why? Because there are people around. People tend not to stand by and watch some guy grab a kid off a train platform.
I was not allowed to ‘roam the streets;. I could walk places with a friend, or do something productive (often improving my mind).
The key is discipline and structure. Your kid should know better than to roam the streets aimlessly looking for trouble. They should only be on the streets with purpose. That is what my mother taught me and it is what I will teach my children.
Humans learn by mistakes. If you do not let your child do anything where they may be hurt in some way, thenthey will not be equipped to deal with the real world. Consequence HAS to attach to actions, and children need to be raised to realise this.
The key with all these things is discipline and common sense, things that need to be instilled in your child from an early age.
I love this article. I actually employ a lot of the things on here already with my 10 yr old. My problem is #2. I have a hard time with this one. My kid one day wanted to ride his scooter without his helmet (he was about 5 at the time. I made him put on his helmet. I’m glad I did, he was turning into our driveway and the back flew out. He fell right on his head. My main thing is around the house. He has a habit of running up and down the stairs with socks on (stairs are hardwood and slippery). Here is where I can’t let him do an unsafe thing. He could really injure himself should he fall. I tell him to slow down. But I don’t baby him. He rides his bike to school and comes home alone for a couple of hours. He goes to the park, over friends house to play football, etc. We even take him and his friend to a local pizza, game place and leave them. I told him last year, no more allowance. It is now called “commission”. He does what he’s supposed to do, he gets his full commission. He’s only done that once or twice.
It is hard as a parent to do these things stated in the article. You always want your childrent to have better than you did as a kid. But the do have to learn. My kid wanted to stay inside on a nice day. I made he and his buddy get up and go outside and called his friends parents to make them stay out of their house as well.
Anyway, great article. Old school values are still relevant today.
My daughter asked for a pocket knife at 10. My immediate reaction was “No way! She’ll cut her finger off!” I waited until 11, and gave in. She has yet to cut herself.
Thanks~ Love this article. I totally agree with all of your points and as a mother of five, I strive to parent this way almost exactly. Of course I don’t do everything right, but I know what it takes, and with God’s guidance, I really try. It’s easier to let them be, and give them what they want, but in the long run like you said, they aren’t learning anything. I make it very clear to my kids that I am not their friend, I am their mother and I’m so glad you point that out because so many parents today are caught up in wanting their kids to like them.. thinking that’s going to get their kids somewhere in life. Kids need a parent, I could care less if my kids like me, they will LOVE me for it later.
Thanks again for this article. I wish all parents, grandparents, soon to be parents, and all people who have an influence on children should read this apply it to their lives. It will make a difference.
Great blog, I will be adding it to my own blogroll. It is great to see such a ground swell of support for getting back to basic parenting and putting a stop to soft touch parenting.
Good on you!
this is a great article….but i feel there should be a balance between being a parent and being a best friend to ur child…this is the only topic which me and my husband always debate about.
from my childhood experience,(i used to be very scared of my parents,bcas even when i told them the truth, i used to be punished rather than appreciated for being truthful) i felt that my daughter should not be subjected to the same treatment.
so i balance my roles both as a best friend and as a parent. when my daughter needs someone to confide her secrets and apprehensions, i play the role of a best friend and listen to her and share a lot of secrets….
when she needs to be guided in the right way, i become a parent…
Believe me, this works…..
Hear Hear!
Whatever happened to good old fashioned beatings?! If you screw up you pay the piper. It worked for thousands of years. This 12 second animation is what I’m talking about! lol! Timeout indeed!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niC6HILyzgs
I totally agree! Kids these days feel like they are entitled to everything without having to work for it…. It’s a shame!
I totally agree with ever thing Brett has put forth in this article. As a 20 year old raised in and around this parenting style (ie. coddling… not how I was raised) I can actually remember being around kids who were spoiled, I honestly couldn’t stand them or believe the way they would talk to their parents!
I currently enjoy a very healthy relationship with my parents based on mutual respect. I think that my parents did a bang up job in raising me, they seem to have struck a good balance between, keeping me in line and safe while allowing me enough space to learn on my own. I here people I grow up with saying all the time how much they hate their parents and I could never really understand it, but it’s the modern parenting style… let everything go and keep them safe on a tight leash, instead of discipline and freedom to experience life.
As far as disciplining your children goes IMO hitting is only a last resort. Period. You can discipline effectively with out ever striking you child. I’ve been through my whole life only having been hit once. As I said before its only in very extreme cases where a sharp slap is not only permisable but is nessessary, and thats safety.
The only time I was ever hit, and I fully commend my father for doing, it was as a last resort. When I was very young, 3 or 4 I would try to run into the street, my father try several time to get me to stop but I wouldn’t listen, one sharp slap on the behind later and little me stayed out of the road. Once again the only time violence is acceptable is if it will prevent something more harmful from occuring.
The other thing parents these days don’t seem to realize is that if you yell at your kids all the time they are doing to tune you out, plain and simple. Pick your battles and yell only when the situation needs it, if you use it sparingly you can really scare the crap out of your kids, because it’s unexpected. It’s always more effective to go with the more dramatic aproach. Quiet intensity, think about any movie you’ve seen with a really effective villain. All you do instead of yelling is pause and stare at your kids… then in a lowered voice with a lot of intensity tell them the consequences they’ll face if they don’t stop the behavior. I used to use this all the time as a camp leader, it’s much more effective than yelling, try it out… it’ll save your voice and is much more subtle particulary in public than yelling.
The modern parent just doesn’t know how to stike a balance, they either praise there children for everything they do, or flip out at them over everything they do wrong… it just isn’t healthy.
Also I feel it’s extreemly important that kids learn the value of a hard earned dollar at a young age. Had my first job at the tender age of 10 (I time kept hockey), It’ll grow hair on their chast and make them feel like a real man. 10 might be a bit extreme but I wanted to make some money, so my parents helped me get one. But a child over the age of 14 with out a job IMO is a bumb.. ok maybe thats a bit extreme but it’s not going to kill them to work 1 or 2 shifts a week at the local super market. Plus they’ll apreciate being able to spend their own money, far more rewarding than spending dad’s. The other thing that is good for learning about money is getting your kids to pay for stuff they really want but don’t need once they start working or if they don’t have the money ethier agree to pay half or loan it to them (this method taught me to stay out of debt right quick.) My experience with this method is as follows, when I was 12 or 13 one of my friends at school wanted to start a band so my dad rented me a bass and amp and got me some lessons. I practiced and liked it so I wanted to get my own bass, so my dad took me down to the local music store and I tried some out and picked one I liked (if you don’t know instruments are expensive) so I didn’t have the funs to by it. So we worked out an agreement that he would pay half and loan me the rest. This worked well, through this experience I got the money thing.
All this is just my opinion and yes I’m only 20 but I thought I’d give the perspective of someone who has grown up resently with this problem. So take it for what it is. YMMV.
Great article!I see how much more I need to do to become the parent I want to be.I also see some things that I’m doing right (but thought were wrong) like setting limits and not always being their best friend.Maybe there is hope for me yet as a dad.
Although I like your general attitude of toughening up the kids and letting them face real life from a young age, I do have some reservations:
1. Consider that perhaps the reduction in crimes against children might be a result of parents being more protective today. I agree kids today live a restrictive life, but it may actually be safer.
2. There’s a limit to the level of danger kids can be exposed to, because sometimes, you can’t just say “Oops, let’s try that again”. I agree kids today are being told not to run or jump, which is too much, but the main point about allowing our kids to do things should be to make them sensible about danger and then let them loose.
3. I totally agree with this point. I always tell my kids “A family is NOT a democracy. There’s parents and there’s kids. It’s not fair, but that’s the way it is”
4. Again, I agree (buying a toy to appease? God forbid!), but in your example, maybe the system could listen to what the girl was trying to communicate, not just see her as a disturbance.
5. Talking about 60-hour workweeks is a bit much, but the point is valid. However, implementation can be complicated. We gave our kids 5-cent coins for emotional stretches (doing things that are hard for them) and for helping others, which seemed to work for a while.
6. Praise must be genuine and relative. If a child has difficulty sitting down, reward him for sitting down longer than usual. Then, it’s relative to what he can do and it’s real, so both giver and receiver believe it.
Thank you for writing this. It’s great!
Pretty good article, and it might apply to alot of people.
The problem, of course, is when this stuff DOESN’T apply and parents get caught up in it and can’t see the forest for the trees. When I was younger, my parents used to do this alot. They got wrapped up in “teaching me a lesson” when I had already learned the lesson and I now needed help.
Most of these points I agree with. Just keep in mind that they are means to an end. You do these things so your kid can grow up a healthy and happy adult. Parenting rules, regardless of what they are, should never be an end in of themselves.
I can’t say I fully agree with everything you said (mostly the thing about the 9 year old on the subway) because the world today is so different than it was years ago. Living in a safe neighborhood, it is good to let your kid ride bikes with his friends around the neighborhood because it gives freedom and stuff. I was coddled a bit too much by my mother, but she had good reason (her brother died tradgically when they were kids) and I understood that. I know the public school system coddled me and had a more negative impact on my than my parents (giving awards for everything, for example). My parents were my parents, NOT my best friend and that is the way it should me. Every other kid I knew who had the best-friend parent was severely screwed up, and didn’t know how to function in life at all.
I see a generation of emerging “adults” who are still children in every sense of the word. They can’t care for themselves and they can’t think for themselves. It’s sickening.
GREAT article!
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