Actually, a LOT of the traditions that permeate our wedding culture are sexist and somewhat degrading to the woman. This includes the big flashy proposal (always by the man, people would judge a woman proposing in this way as weird and desperate), the engagement ring, the father walking the bride down the aisle, the idea that the wedding should be the bride’s big day more than the groom’s and a host of other customs we take for granted. These all communicate the idea that the woman has been elevated in some way because a man has deigned to choose her. That some women buy into this idea doesn’t somehow make it less sexist. Believe it or not, there are ways to marry in a way that expresses the joy both man and woman take in the occasion, and in ways that express respect for the man and woman’s families, without playing into scripts that play into tired, old gender roles.

I think it is the bride’s responsibility to ease her groom’s entry into the family and to obtain her parent’s blessing. Similarly, the groom is to do the same with his family. When I got engaged, I asked my parents to invite my fiance (now husband) to dinner (“there is someone I really want you to meet”). After we had a nice meal, my fiance left and I stayed behind to tell them that we would be getting married and that I hoped my parents liked him. He did the same with his family. If my husband had spoken to my father separately, my father would have questioned my judgment in marrying him!

Girls should not be offended by this, though I understand some will. They should be happy their man is showing the respect and decency to consider her father’s feelings in this process. Up to this point he has been the only man in her life and he will feel the loss as great as anyone. Even still, his approval does not mean she has to say yes. That should be entirely up to her.

As far as asking the mother also. I understand the argument for asking her, however, when I spoke with my now father in law, I chose not to discuss it with his wife for one important reason. I couldn’t trust her to keep the surprise. Not because she isn’t trustworthy, but marriage makes women act crazy and she talks to her daughter too often for me to feel confident she’d keep my secret. It wasn’t personal, just business.

Ultimately the issue comes down to the things discussed in the article and by some commentors – developing a relationship with your future father in law, showing that his opinion matters, honoring the relationship he has with his daughter, displaying the values you possess as the man who wants to marry his daughter, etc. If I had to do it over, I’d still ask him. It was well worth it. I highly recommend any guy who is thinking of proposing do the same.

For me the reasons for asking are these: 1. I want my fiance to be accepted completely into my family so I want to know about any possible hiccups BEFORE I say yes to marrying the guy! 2. I think the person I marry should have the balls to have one hard serious talk with my parents–I mean, if he’s going to be with me for my whole life we might end up taking care of them in their old age! 3. I’m hoping for them to cover part of the costs of the wedding, so it’s very important for me to know whether they support this marriage (although I guess if my half of the family never showed the wedding would be much cheaper ).

It’s nothing to do with that I’m some chattel. I’m a grown woman who is getting her PhD and am completely financially independent. It’s about my fiance making a seamless transition into my family as a true son and showing that he has the guts and cares about me enough that he wants the important people in my life to support and smile upon our marriage. As I said above, I would definitely have a conversation with his parents after he popped the question to make sure of their blessings before I proceeded with the wedding plans (since I want to be sure that I can be a daughter to them too). This is something that all women can do as a sign of respect to his family.

It IS a sexist tradition, but that doesn’t mean some people don’t enjoy it and like it. People enjoy and like sexist things every day But I think that men should ask their future wives for their input on whether they think this is “sweet” and “gentlemanly” or just plain sexist before they approach their future wives’ fathers. Personally I’m not impressed by a man discussing me with my father like I’m a piece of property they’re brokering a deal on (“He wants to know that he’s handing off his little girl to someone…” Handing off? I’m not a little girl nor is my father “handing me off” to anyone).

The original post seems to inexplicably conflate two entirely different things. Asking for a blessing is NOT asking for permission. Any male who asks a woman’s father permission is showing that he is a boy, not a man.

The tips being mentioned on how to win parents’ heart as you want to ask their daughter’s hand for settling down are very good as this will be the start of the foundation you want to build with the bride’s family to be in good terms on both sides.

I really do admire men who knows how to ask for blessings from the bride’s sides because it means sincerity and respects the girl’s family so much.

You also demonstrate you are able to go man-to-man with someone older, and, yes, be declined. Take it like a man, and ask why if that happens. Listen to the answer and counter with one of your own. If she is worth fighting for, or waiting for, she is worth marrying.

If he gives the ok, good job, dude. Take care of her, give her as many children as she wants, pray all the time.

fundamentally, in biologic history man has protected the woman and woman has civilized the man. the asking has to do with the woman moving from the man’s protection to the future husband’s. It has nothing to do with property. (and notice the woman’s power in this arrangement)

can’t wait for the name-calling regarding my opinion … about how misogynist and backward it is, ‘chauvinist, insensitive, and inappropriate’,… respondents reasoning out of their own little experience, and protected by social systems that allow them to delude themselves. but it’s the truth.

oh, and what does ’sexist’ mean? To me, it means recognizing the differences between the two. Thus only a fool could fail to be sexist.

(tip: if your future father-in-law is not the kind that can be asked, you should consider long and hard whether you should be interlinking with that other family web. not saying it won’t work, just that you are defying the odds).

then finally, why are women who are ‘independent’ and self-sufficient bothering to read this men’s site? why should they care? and commenting to correct the author? mebbe they have a few control issues of their own?

I told my fiancee that if he wanted to marry me, then he would have to ask BOTH my parents for a blessing. I’m not sure why the mother is left out seeing as how she’s the one that had your bride to be in the first place. I personally think it’s sexist to ask the father for permission. Just ask the parents for a blessing and move on. There are women that don’t mind the asking a man for permission to be property to another man, but there are some women that are independent and don’t belong to any man.