So you’ve stopped hanging out with women and started dating them. Consequently, you’ve found a woman who has become your best friend, and you know she is the one. Things have been serious for quite some time now and you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level: marriage.
One tradition that has been slowly fading away from Western society is asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage. Many argue that the whole idea smacks of sexism and chauvinism and harks back to times when women were treated like chattel.
Whatever. I think it’s just respectful to ask your future bride’s father for his blessing as you start down the path towards matrimony. It lets your girlfriend’s father know that you’re sincere in your intentions and a true gentleman. It’s an important tradition, a rite of passage, and a bonding experience between you and your future father-in-law. Plus, most women we asked think it’s a sweet gesture.
But it’s no easy task; the experience can make any man a nervous wreck. I remember when I had the talk with my father-in-law; I was sweating bullets. Hopefully, the guidelines that follow will help ease the stress and make the experience bearable if not enjoyable.
1. Talk to your girlfriend first. Before you go and sit down and talk man-to-man with your potential father-in-law, make sure you and your girlfriend are on the same page as far as the whole marriage thing goes. Is she ready to commit? Does she even want to get married? If so, how soon does she want to get hitched? You don’t want to get your girlfriend’s father’s blessing to marry his daughter, just to have his daughter turn you down when you propose.
2. Try to meet him before you ask. If it’s possible, try to meet your girlfriend’s parents a few times before you decide you want to marry her. While my wife and I were dating, I had the opportunity to visit her parents on several occasions. I got to know them rather well before we got engaged. It made sitting down with her dad and discussing my wish to marry his daughter a bit easier because we had already established a relationship. Again, not all situations will allow this, but if you can, do it.
3. Sit down with him man-to-man. There are several ways you can go about this, and I think it all depends on what kind of man your girlfriend’s father is. Consider taking him out to dinner or going to a bar or coffee shop. Breaking bread with him might make the situation a bit more comfortable. If that’s not a possibility, during a visit just ask if you can speak to him in private. If her dad lives far away, try to time the conversation for a trip home which has already been planned, perhaps during the holidays. If this is not possible, it’s okay to conduct the talk over the phone.
4. Start out expressing your feelings for his daughter. I think the best way to start off the conversation is to express to the father your love and admiration for his daughter. Tell him how much she means to you. Mention some specific qualities that you love about her. He raised her, so you are really complimenting him at the same time.
5. Explain your wish to marry his daughter. Now it’s time to cut to the chase. Explain your wish to marry his daughter. Assure him that you understand the seriousness of the commitment and that being able to spend the rest of your life with his daughter would make you the happiest man in the world.
7. Promise him that you’ll take care of his daughter for the rest of her life. Put yourself in this man’s shoes. He’s been the man in her life since she was baby. He’s taken care of her since she was in diapers and only wants the best for her. He wants to know that he’s handing off his little girl to someone that will take just as good care of her as he has. Make the commitment that you’ll always honor, respect, and cherish his daughter.
8. Respectfully ask for his blessing. Now, just request his blessing and support in you asking for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
If your girlfriend’s father has died, wasn’t around when she was growing up, or is simply a jerk that his daughter avoids contact with, ask the mother.
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@ Russ- Thanks for sharing that. It’s funny how kids can change your perspective on life.
@ MissPrisim- My wife wanted me to do it, and most women where I’m from also support the tradition. Of course, you’ll probably look down on these women with smug contempt as not being an enlightened woman like you.
I didn’t ask my finance’s parents for permission. I was asking her to marry me, no one else so it seemed wrong to ask them for permission. Plus she didn’t live at home with them or anything like that.
I can see back in the day when young women married at like 18 and still lived with their parents but nowadays it just seems weird to be asking someone who is not involved in the relationship for “permission”.
That’s my take.
No, I don’t look down on those women at all, but I think they and you are wrong about this. It’s clearly a sexist tradition. If we want to preserve it at all, and many of us might, we should take the sexism away and let everyone benefit from it.
I’ll certainly ask my chap’s mum, if he ever tries to ask my dad.
@ Jay- For the umteempth time. It’s not about permission. It’s about asking for support. And wait until you’re married. Your family and her family will be involved in your relationship. Not directly, but they will definitely be an influencing force on your relationship. Marriage does not exist in a vacuum
To all of the women arguning against this tradition: I would assume you disagree with, or atleast see no problem with reversing, the tradition of the man asking the woman for her hand in marriage? You would call this a sexist tradition also?
Most of the young (i’m 23) women I know would never ask their boyfriends’ parents for their blessing and then get down on one knee. i would assume almost every girl has had dreams since they were little about the day a man gets down on his knee to ask for her hand. And in most cases her father has been a part of shaping those dreams.
I guess you see yourselves as new age and modern because you don’t follow tradition?
Just curious where your bitterness stems from?
Why on earth do you think that disagreeing with a particular tradition is a sign of bitterness?
Of course a woman would never ask her boyfriend’s parents for his hand. It’s assumed that by the time he is that age, he’s independent, and he makes those decisions, not his parents. As a grown and independent adult, it would be insulting for the man if his girlfriend asked his parents or even if he had to ask for their approval… like being back in high school when you had to ask your parents if you could do anything. As a woman, I know that my boyfriend will make the choice to marry me himself–not his parents for him.
With that in mind, I think that some women find the tradition sexist, not because it’s socially accepted as something that only men do for women, but because if the situation is considered in reverse, it implies that the person whose parents are being asked lacks her own willpower and independence.
Contrary to this, though, I do not think that asking for the blessing of the parents is the same as insulting a women’s position as an independent individual. Every guy wants to get along with his in-laws and be liked by them, so if he’s at the point where he feels comfortable having an honest talk with them about his future with their daughter and his wishes that they will support the both of them, I think both he and the girl can appreciate that.
If the man, however, values the support of the parents more than the consent of the woman, that is another thing. If the parents aren’t supportive of the union when asked, even though the girl is, and the guy chooses not to go through with it because of the parents’ feelings, he is clearly insulting the independence and wishes of the woman. If he’s a real man, then he’ll marry the girl because he and she both want it, hopefully with the support of all parents involved, but even without.
Tom S.-Excellent point. I wonder how many of the women who oppose this tradition also want to be the one who plans a romantic proposal and gets down on one knee to do it. But then who knows? Maybe “sophiscated” women these days want a part in that too.
There’s lots of “sexist” traditons with marriage. The asking of the father for her hand, the father giving away the bride to the groom, the woman taking her husband’s name, ect. But I think they’re great traditions. As I mentioned before, why can’t men and women play different roles in these things? Lots of commenters have said that if a guy asks the bride’s father and the woman doesn’t have to ask the groom’s father, then that is sexist. These people equate “sameness” with equality. I humbly submit that men and women can play different roles and still be equal.
i think there is no other way handle this situation other than case-by case. my father would consider it very strange if he were asked for my hand, it would make him worry that i was entering into a controlling relationship. in more conservative families it would be necessary sign of respect. if the groom-to-be doesn’t respect the situation one way or another than that is itself a sign of a problem in the relationship. marriage is a situation where large and small cultural differences are pitted against each other, even if it is just the culture within the families themselves. hopefully all parties go into this with their eyes open and full communication, the rest is all just niceties and gestures.
as far as if the tradition is inherently sexist, of course it is. but its pretty benign as far as sexism goes so long as it doesn’t make the particular bride uncomfortable.
Katie, people are hung up on the word permission because it’s part and parcel to the term. “Asking for her hand” is asking for something to be given- for a woman as property to be given, or at minimum for permission to be given. The woman is led by the hand by her father and then by her husband. She has no ability, or right, to interact with God or society on her own- her covenants are with and her ruler is the patriarchal figure in her life. The man has no such intermediary between himself and God or between himself and society. It’s a concept still largely ingrained within my religious tradition and one which I very much struggle to come to terms or understand in a way which is not offensive to me.
I agree with Brett that it is jut fine for men and women to play different roles and still be equal- though I do think that those roles can vary from couple to couple. There are few absolutely defined that are really as essential to be given to one or the other as we make them out to be.
I do, however very much like the idea of asking parents for their blessing. If you ask for her hand and they say no- do you still take it? If so, then why ask? What you can do, instead, is ask for their blessing. Their blessing is something which is theirs to give. Their daughter’s hand, however, is not.
You are not coming to take a father’s daughter from his family (and control) and place her in yours (and under your control) You are coming to let them know that you want to form a family with their daughter, and as such you want them to be a part of your family and to be a part of theirs. This is what you are asking for. Asking for a hand is asking for permission, or worse ownership.
Michael-
I think it’s a big leap from a guy asking for a woman’s hand in marriage to- “She has no ability, or right, to interact with God or society on her own- her covenants are with and her ruler is the patriarchal figure in her life.” The former, along with the other “sexist” marriage traditions Brett mentioned, do not bother me in the least. For while I know that they are rooted in sexism, they are no longer imbued with that meaning. The meaning of traditions can change over time, as people take a new kind of ownership of them. Today, the word “permission” is inappropriate to use with the tradition of asking the father for your girlfriend’s hand, because that is no longer the idea brought to the tradtion. While I agree that the name implies such, still, I think almost all men approach the tradtion with the idea of seeking support and a blessing. I don’t think men even say the words, “I’d like your daughter’s hand” when having the conversation. They say, “I’d like your blessing.”
Now the latter, the stuff about a woman having her relationship to God mediated through a man, I do find enormously offensive. Unlike the other traditions, which are secular traditions, and which the couple are free to define in their own way, such things are rooted in religion and are still connected with current religious teachings. When it comes to things like the vows or covenants, traditions that imply the inferiority of women should cease. Which is why vows that used to include the woman saying that she will “love honor and OBEY” her husband have largely been dropped. And I would certainly support any other religious tradtion which still clings to such wording to cease doing so.
Carolyn,
You say that If “he’s a real man, then he’ll marry the girl because he and she both want it, hopefully with the support of all parents involved, but even without.”
I’m afraid I must disagree. Having a “screw you, I’ll do what I want” attitude is not a quality of a “real man”. While this plague is common today, among both men and women, I think this attitude is a major reason why society acts the way it does today.
My thinking is this: sometimes people can be blinded by love. If my wife’s father did not give his blessing, I might reconsider my proposal depending on WHY he does not give his blessing. For something like “you’re not Jewish”, might not get as much reconsideration; however, the girl’s father typically knows her more than you do, and if he were to say something like “I don’t think you two are very compatible”, I might honestly reconsider. If nothing else, I would definitely think long and hard on whether or not my rose-tinted glasses are not letting me properly see reality.
To me, being a “real man” is being able to admit you don’t know everything and being willing to take another’s idea in to consideration.
I asked my wife’s father for permission before we got married and I’m glad I did. My wife appreciated it to. Her father’s approval was important to her. I think it got things off on the right foot between us all. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and I’m thankful for it. I believe this was just one small gesture that helped build rapport in our relationship. We are now going on 17 years of marriage! It helps when you have so much support.
“…been slowly fading away from Western society is asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage. Many argue that the whole idea smacks of sexism and chauvinism and harks back to times when women were treated like chattel.”
See, this is the problem right here. Nowadays women have gone places they were never intended to go, the family unit has since collapsed, and in turn we have 11 year olds having sex and young girls with six kids to six different guys. The “old days” that they complain about were a far sight better than the way things are today. Society has gone from Leave It To Beaver to Sex and the City.
Clearly Doug, women being property was a far better situation than what we have now. And of course, in those days there was no sex outside of marriage, no children with nearly absent fathers, and no societal problems at all.
Wait… I think it is very important we recognize today’s societal problems and seek to address them. Many abandoned traditions would be good to revisit. However, I think a false romantization of the past is rarely healthy.
Katie,
I don’t think it’s much of a leap at all because that situation is not only where the tradition of “asking for her hand” began (with either a bride price and ownership or a dowry and paternalism) but that we still use the same language. In asking a woman’s father for her hand you are asking a woman’s father for a portion of her body that he does not own, nor have right to grant. Even if you feel that when man and woman become married they then have co-ownership of one another- it is not the parents of either individual that can grant that or give that- which is why I am still extremely uncomfortable with that specific language.
I think the tradition of meeting with parents (either father, mother, or both) is, in fact, a very good one and has positive elements. It is something I may very well do one day in the future. But, I can’t be comfortable with asking for the hand (or any other body part) of someone’s daughter. Doing so inherently denotes at minimum requesting permission. I will, however, tell her parents of my intentions as it seems the noble and courteous thing to do. I will ask for her parent’s blessing as it is something I hope to have that only they can grant.
Oh, and I agree with Russ as well that if parents refused to give their blessing I would certainly reconsider my proposal. However, if I still both believed and felt that it was right I would not in any sense presume to honor the wishes of the person I loved less than the wishes of her parents.
I’ve only learned of, and been following, AOM for a couple of weeks. The books post was good, and I loved the idea of getting a hat… but this post will push you guys off my RSS feed for good.
You guys need to get on over to http://www.fastseduction.com, stop being AFCs, learn how be de-betaize and Man It Up. You will never ask another being for permission to do something that you believe in again in your whole life.
@ Anthony- Good riddance. We don’t want d-bags who read sites called “Fast Seduction” reading AoM. Later.
I completely agree Brett, good riddance indeed. I love that the idea behind art of manliness isn’t to somehow reinforce gender stereotypes or to make men more able to go out and hook up with lots of women- but to instead challenge men to actually grow up, to stop being overgrown boys and to, in fact, be men- not just on the surface but with all the responsibility that entails.
Any man worth a damn will show respect to the people who helped fashion his bride-to-be into the wonderful person she is by asking for their blessing. I was actually surprised to hear this tradition had gone by the wayside so much…so what do these guys do then? Just one day show up with a bill for the wedding?
As a liberated libertarian woman, I have to say to all of the naysayer wymyn who consider this to be a throwback tradition: you’re out of your skulls. I’d love to hear from wymyn who don’t believe in this custom who are also happily married for over 15 years with children of their own…
It is not “permission” to buy a man’s daughter—the man is asking for a blessing, MAN-TO-MAN (obviously, this is the *REAL* issue some of these women have, it’s with the whole guy thing. Can’t have males bonding without wymyn screaming sexist.). Let me clue you in: marriage is not merely an individual act (horrors!), but the founding of a family (whether or not you have children) and you are becoming part of a larger extended family. It shows respect to the family you are becoming part of, and it cements relationships. I would never have married a man who didn’t agree. Men have their traditions, too… or would you rather that women stop having their own traditions because THOSE are sexist? Ridiculous.
Poulette, I completely agree with you on the importance of asking for the blessing of the parents and/or father specifically.
But, I do think that is different from asking permission from the father of the bride to be, and I understand why so many equate “asking for her hand” with asking permission.
I asked for my father-in-law-to-be’s blessing before my wife and I married. The purpose wasn’t to get his permission, but to ask for his approval. You don’t have to give someone veto power over a decision that is yours to show that person respect. It was a way for me to acknowledge his role in my finacee’s upbringing and to find out, not too clandestinely, if there were any problems that might arise later. Frankly, if he disapproved of me, I wanted to know it before I married his daughter, not afterward. Had he refused, it might not have made a difference to my actions. That said, as one of the other posters noted, I think it simply set us on a good footing for the rest of our relationship.
And still no one has. Wow… Maybe logic should be added to your list of lost arts. I’m on to some place where discourse can happen rather than just the predictable calls of bitterness and pathetic yearning for days of yore which were nowhere near as perfect as you people seem to think.
The trick lies in asking for the father’s blessing, not permission. And of course, knowing the relationship the girl has with her father. If she can’t stand the man, or has another person she considers a father figure, it would be an act of courtesy to ask elsewhere (say with the beloved uncle).
And if the lady you wish to marry feels slightly ill at the idea, if you want to marry her you probably shouldn’t do this. Otherwise it’s a very touching ritual of family connection, like being walked down the aisle.
The trick is asking a lawyer for some woman’s hand in marriage first.
My fiance and I had spoken about marriage several times before we decided to announce an engagement. He asked me if he should ask my father, and I told him I would be very angry and hurt if he did. I want my family’s approval, but my father has this idea that women need men around to look after them, and I didn’t want to fuel that. I don’t like the idea that a woman’s only role in the deciding of her future is to say a yes or no at his convenience. The whole thing smacks of the days (only about 30 years ago in my country) when women were considered minors for their whole lives and had to have their father or their husband sign contracts for them. Of course both parties need to be ready to commit, but if a couple is mature enough to be thinking of getting married, they should be discussing it like grown-ups, not waiting for him to “pop the question”. I guess I would be okay with it if he asked BOTH parents, and AFTER asking me, and for their BLESSING, not permission. I would be very unhappy to be the last to know about my own future.
That said, I have some friends who like that kind of thing. Traditions run deep, so it’s fair enough that you need to give advice to those whose fiancees want them to do this. I just think that WHEN you talk about whether you should get married, it’s a good idea to ask if she’d want that kind of thing.
I agree with Maria- my husband was instructed to NOT ask my father. The way I see it, I am a grown woman with the right and privilege of choosing whom to marry and when. I am close to my dad, he and my mom are still married and he has always been there for me. But it would be fake to pretend that I was going to abide by his “decision.” In my opinion, the two people doing the marrying are the ONLY ones who should be involved in this very important decision. Also my parents walked my down the aisle but they certainly didn’t “give me away.” I am not theirs to give.
Just my opinion- I know a lot of women would disagree.
Coop said:
“I have to object to this one. I agree that this concept is anti-feminist, but I also believe that it is unmanly to rely on (or pretend to rely on, even worse) another man’s opinion or blessing in this way and to this degree.”
Coop,
It’s not about you. It is about your future wife’s father. Asking him for your girlfriend’s hand shows a kind of respect that he may get nowhere else. Most fathers nowadays know that the only answer they can give is a “yes”, but they will appreciate the respect you showed them.
This sounds like tips for an interview.
I’m in a relationship currently (almost 3 years). We’ve discussed marriage (especially now that it’s legal in California, our state, woo!- yes we’re homos)
Nice to see someone brought it up earlier. I think I have more reason to be scared about the reply from her parents than most heterosexual men on account of the gay thing (not saying for all situations, but on average)
Marriage is something we agreed to earlier by ourselves. I told her that I would ask her parents’ blessing. She found this to be endearing. I’d like to reiterate that it’s a “blessing” or approval not the final say. We’d get married anyways if they disapproved, but this would be hard, we both have great relationships with our families and wouldn’t want to ruin that. We’ve already merged families a little bit (they met when we both graduated college) and I would be very saddened if they were disappointed/disapproved. I’d prob sit down (over dinner) with her mom, dad and stepmom because they all care about and love her, I wouldn’t want to exclude any of them because they’re all her closest family. Although I kinda do anticipate a separate talk with her Dad too. Thanks for reading my kinda different take.
Geeee… I was trying to decide if I should do this and so searched on here and found this blog – Annie, (my girlfriend) and I live in the UK and her perents in New Zealand so I have to do it over the phone. Annie has expressed that I should do this and after reading the blog I’ve decided it’s a goer.. I’m proposing tomorrow (she knows I will very soon but she doesent know exactly when) and have just tried calling but cant get through for some reason??? ARRRRRRGH!!!
I’ve dialed the number like 7 times and no luck, everyone’s bound to think I copped out lol.
I’ll just have to try again tomorrow.
With regards to my opinion on it – yes I suppose the tradition does have a sexist stigma however I do not feel that by observing a tradition you are making any kind of statment about being sexist. I would not consider myself sexist in te least but I will always hold a door open for a lady etc.
I really like the notion of someone above mentioning the 5/15/20 year plan… I think I’ll include that when I finaly get through lol.
Good luck everyone with this!!
my girl was pregnant.
asking wasnt hard.
but, looking him in the eye was.
overall, he was relieved.
Yeah, right. I’ll maintain that lucirous tradition only in exchange for an equally antiquated tradition – when the father offers me a dowry.
If the woman says yes and the father says no – will you REALLY respect his wishes? If not, why bother asking?
Actually, I am kinda hoping that my future soulmate pops the question to me! I have heard of couples for whom this has occurred, and I find it fascinating. But- if the woman proposes to the man, then… who buys/presents/wears the engagement ring? Wondering…
@Brett McKay – I entirely agree!
First of all – Gino, your response is absolute poetry. Best of luck to you and your family.
Secondly. @ Ayla – let’s take this in sequence.
1. Why not ask the girl’s mother?
The main reason to ask a father, rather than a mother, is because the father is seen as the head of the family. (Inasmuch as this could possibly be okay, it’s only in situations where you are taking your girlfriend away from her family and out of her home. It makes absolutely no sense, IMHO, when the woman has already left home and established herself independently.)
At the same time, in most American households nowadays there is not a clear hierarchy between husband and wife – i.e. the wife is not expected to be subordinate to her husband’s decisions and have no input. (I think this is a very good thing.) For that reason, I do think the man should ask the woman’s parents, both of them. The other reasons people have advanced here – particularly the idea of getting the father’s “take” on how well you two might work out – apply equally strongly to the mother. In fact, the mother might have a better idea than the father does, depending on what the woman’s relationship with each is.
2. Why doesn’t the woman ask the man’s parents?
Easy: because the man asks the woman to marry him, not the other way around. I think that (again, primarily in situations where the man’s parents are still a part of his life, and particularly when he still lives at home) a man should ask his parents before he proposes, whether getting married to the woman is, in their opinion, a good idea. But if his parents think it’s a good idea, the next move is his. He’s the one asking the woman to marry him. Having the woman ask the man’s parents, whether before or after the proposal, would be extraordinarily awkward for the man. And again, as long as a man is proposing to a woman who still lives with her parents, I think he should be the one to ask her parents.
Maybe that’s chauvanist of me, I don’t know – but I’m in my early 20s, and I don’t know any woman my age who wouldn’t want the same thing. It goes right along with being mature, gentlemanly, and chivalrous in general.
When my ex and I decided to get married, he did talk to my guardians at the time, expressing his wishes to marry me. He had already met them, and been around the family, so every one could sort of tell which way we were headed. I also talked to my ‘mom’ about it before hand. I knew he was going to propose, just not when.
It absolutely did not offend me in any way, and I did not feel like I was being reduced to any sort of chattel.
I believe, as in so many other situations, this is a matter of personal choice. If the principals involved feel it is something they want, they go for it. If not, then don’t.
just my.02
My husband followed this tradition, and it was wonderful for everyone involved. It makes a wonderful story, too.
I don’t feel that it is anti-feminist or dis-empowering. Truly, I felt really empowered and secure that my husband was taking into account the feelings and mind of my family. He was also making his own place in my family, and not just being the in-law partial outsider.
I’m really glad I found this post! I have a few questions. I bought the ring already and I’m really excited about the proposal. My girlfriend and I have been together for a long time and we’ve always had the talks but she is not expecting this at all! I would like to ask her dad for his blessing. Keep in mind her parents have been divorced, and her dad got re-married.
Questions:
1. Should I ask the dad out to lunch or dinner alone, or should I visit them both (him and her step-mom) at their place.
2. Do I bring the ring with me to give them a peek, or absolutely not?
3. I think I’d like to also tell her mom. I know she will be super excited. Do I need to be very official about this (again, a dinner?) or can I just do it at her house? Also, same question about showing the ring to her.
Thanks.
@HM-
1. Just ask the dad out to lunch.
2. Don’t show him the ring. Women love to show off the ring to their friends and loved ones once its been secured on their finger. This will ruin the surprise that is rightly hers.
3. You don’t have to be formal with her mom, but it would be nice to let her know. Again, save the unveiling of the ring for your proposal.
Good luck!
I think this is a great tradition and I hate that so many people downplay the importance of the future family. It is so important to obtain the blessing of the father especially if he has a strong influence in his daughters life. It was mentioned earlier that if the father-in-law is paying for the wedding how much of a jerk are you to just throw him the bill with no heads up or respect what-so-ever.
I think all of those who said “we don’t need the family’s blessing” just goes to show who you have on your mind…you’re own pride. Get rid of it, if you don’t care about anyone elses respect then how can you expect respect from others.
Dowries are a mystery to me. They’ve never been known in my family
history. But what I have read and observed is as follows:
The purpose of the dowry is the provide the bride with money and
properties enough to supply her with sufficient income to keep
her in the luxury she’s been accustomed to while living under her
father’s care. The dowry is usually placed in a trust and belongs
to the woman or her family if the marriage fails. This helps the
family establish a good financial foothold to help the family grow.
The income available to the new husband (especially if he comes
from a poorer family) can rarely cope with his new brides needs.
The new husband is usually starting a new career.
Usually the “fairer” the potential bride the lower the dowry the
father can offer, since suitors can usually be found in the
more wealthier circles of society. For the less “fair” brides
the dower is really nothing more than a bribe to get her out
of the house.
I imagine that reverse dowries are possible in a situation
where a woman plays a major role in a family business.
The potential husband giving a sizable “gift” to the women’s
family as payment for raising her and for any lost income
from her absence. This form of dowry is probably disturbing
to some people and is commonly practiced in some African
tribes where cows are the medium of exchange.
If you think paying someone to marry a human being is wrong
here in the west it is common practice for corporations to
take out large insurance policies on their employees to cover
the cost of finding and training a replacement if they leave.
Usually the employee has no inkling with whom the contract is
made and for how much.
When a man asks the woman’s father for her hand it is usally the
start of the negotiation process.
I must object strenuously to this one. Marriage is my own damned decision, not my father’s, no matter how much I love my dad. It is absolutely and positively chauvinist, insensitive, and inappropriate.
And even leaving the inappropriateness of encouraging my parents to make my decisions for me aside, it’s still like holding a door open for a woman, and then being surprised or offended when she does the same for you. One-sided courtesy is still sexism, courtesy or no.
Also shaping my opinion is the fact that I’m in the queer community, surrounded by people who have been rejected or even disowned by their families for the crime of being lesbian, or gay, or transsexual. So I don’t really see leaning on the advice of parents as such a universally good idea.
So I understand the idea of respect, but I don’t think this is a gentlemanly or respectful thing to do in any way, shape, or form. Sorry.
The proposing should obtain the blessing of the proposee’s parents – both of them – only if the proposee is close to their family. Honestly it only takes a few seconds to think about this one and figure out how it can be done in a respectful way that isn’t sexist.
Im about to ask the girl of my dreams within the year her family is old fashoned unlike mine within driving distance when should I ask the fathers permission months weeks I have no idea
I would like to say that this is a completely honorable and respectful thing to do in my opinion. I have required them to ask his permission even before dating. And im really glad i did. I live in NC but go to college in CA… ive always been quite independent; actually, in high school, i had to pay the mortgage because my father was sick. So by calling him, i was able to let him know that he is still important in my life and i respect him. Plus, i knew that Zee wanted to respect me and was willing to do something that terrified him because he cared and was wiling to work for me! And yes, I called his mother, too (not for permission necessarily, but to introduce myself, begin building a relationship, and let her know she was important too) I know if he does pop the question, i want him to try to ask my dad in person, but i understand that will be hard considering the distance. My dad has done so much for me, even though i didnt always think he did (or by a psychologist’s point of view either lol) but he deserves to know who is marrying his daughter.
Even if my dad said no, i would respect that. He knows men better than i do because he is one. not only that, he raised me so he knows what i need. Now, i might have to say, okay, i will wait, but this is the person i am going to marry and i will wait till we have your blessing, and i wont see anyone else. it may be hard, and it may be a long time, but i think it is worth it.
Not oly that, you dont want to start off on the wrong foot with your in laws!! lol
btw chris i would ask before you bought the ring (if whether or not you ask her will make u wait or not. even if u do wait u could still buy the ring though)
if not then i would ask around a week before u ask, or when you start plannin how you will ask
take it or leave it
What is your advice when your girlfriends father tells you no?
My g/f comes from a wealthy family and she has two degrees. Me, I have a GED, and I’m an entrepreneur. But together, me and her have grown as people, we have a deep friendship and love for one another. We pray together, worship together and have maintained a pure relationship abstaining for marriage for the last 3 years going on our 4th now.
However, me and her father have a lot in common, but he wants her to marry some rich doctor, someone who is already successful.
I really just don’t understand how to get his approval.
My girlfriend and I have yet to introduce one another to our families, but we are planning to do so before I get out of college. I would like for us to meet with both families a few times before we tell them of our desire to get married. I highly doubt my family will approve, but in time they will accept my decision, whether they agree with it or not.
Her family, however, is some what more accepting of things, and may actually give some approval. I plan to speak first with her mother, mainly because her father spends most of his time away from home on business, but I will speak with both together and ask for their acceptance of our decision and express that we would like to be on good terms with the family. While we would like to have both families blessings, we won’t hinge our future on their decision to give or withhold them.
Our biggest hang up is that we are both female. Now, before the religious begin the “Marriage is for a man and a woman” speech, we do not plan to have our little ceremony in a church. While I think same-sex couples should have the right to marry, I believe that it should be up to each church/temple/synagogue to decide if they will hold the ceremonies or not.
If anyone has any constructive advice on how I should approach talking to her family, I would greatly appreciate it. Unless something better comes to light, I will go with the traditional route listed above.
I’m so showing my future boyfriend this article.
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