So you’ve stopped hanging out with women and started dating them. Consequently, you’ve found a woman who has become your best friend, and you know she is the one. Things have been serious for quite some time now and you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level: marriage.
One tradition that has been slowly fading away from Western society is asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage. Many argue that the whole idea smacks of sexism and chauvinism and harks back to times when women were treated like chattel.
Whatever. I think it’s just respectful to ask your future bride’s father for his blessing as you start down the path towards matrimony. It lets your girlfriend’s father know that you’re sincere in your intentions and a true gentleman. It’s an important tradition, a rite of passage, and a bonding experience between you and your future father-in-law. Plus, most women we asked think it’s a sweet gesture.
But it’s no easy task; the experience can make any man a nervous wreck. I remember when I had the talk with my father-in-law; I was sweating bullets. Hopefully, the guidelines that follow will help ease the stress and make the experience bearable if not enjoyable.
1. Talk to your girlfriend first. Before you go and sit down and talk man-to-man with your potential father-in-law, make sure you and your girlfriend are on the same page as far as the whole marriage thing goes. Is she ready to commit? Does she even want to get married? If so, how soon does she want to get hitched? You don’t want to get your girlfriend’s father’s blessing to marry his daughter, just to have his daughter turn you down when you propose.
2. Try to meet him before you ask. If it’s possible, try to meet your girlfriend’s parents a few times before you decide you want to marry her. While my wife and I were dating, I had the opportunity to visit her parents on several occasions. I got to know them rather well before we got engaged. It made sitting down with her dad and discussing my wish to marry his daughter a bit easier because we had already established a relationship. Again, not all situations will allow this, but if you can, do it.
3. Sit down with him man-to-man. There are several ways you can go about this, and I think it all depends on what kind of man your girlfriend’s father is. Consider taking him out to dinner or going to a bar or coffee shop. Breaking bread with him might make the situation a bit more comfortable. If that’s not a possibility, during a visit just ask if you can speak to him in private. If her dad lives far away, try to time the conversation for a trip home which has already been planned, perhaps during the holidays. If this is not possible, it’s okay to conduct the talk over the phone.
4. Start out expressing your feelings for his daughter. I think the best way to start off the conversation is to express to the father your love and admiration for his daughter. Tell him how much she means to you. Mention some specific qualities that you love about her. He raised her, so you are really complimenting him at the same time.
5. Explain your wish to marry his daughter. Now it’s time to cut to the chase. Explain your wish to marry his daughter. Assure him that you understand the seriousness of the commitment and that being able to spend the rest of your life with his daughter would make you the happiest man in the world.
7. Promise him that you’ll take care of his daughter for the rest of her life. Put yourself in this man’s shoes. He’s been the man in her life since she was baby. He’s taken care of her since she was in diapers and only wants the best for her. He wants to know that he’s handing off his little girl to someone that will take just as good care of her as he has. Make the commitment that you’ll always honor, respect, and cherish his daughter.
8. Respectfully ask for his blessing. Now, just request his blessing and support in you asking for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
If your girlfriend’s father has died, wasn’t around when she was growing up, or is simply a jerk that his daughter avoids contact with, ask the mother.
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Full marks on the article.Be warned young man to think beforehand,
“What if he refuses ?” What do you do then,do you elope and marry
her regardless ? If that is your contingency plan then you don’t respect
her father,so why make a big show of things by asking ?
In that case you are being two-faced by pretending
‘I respect you as long as things go my way’
If you ask her father and he refuses,then ask him for his reasons.
Perhaps he has seen a charector flaw in you that you are not aware of,
or perhaps there is some simple thing like you not having a steady job or
some obstacle that can be overcome before the marriage can proceed.
Or continue the relationship with his daughter and hope he changes his mind,
or wait till he dies (of natural causes) the marry her.
Have the backbone to (a) ask his permission and accept his decision.
or (b) be honest with yourself that you are going to ask her regardless.
If it’s (b) then ask her and then inform him later.
When I asked my in-laws for their daughter to marry, they were very surprised that in the 1990s men still did that.
Ironically both of them were against it.
We’ve been married 16 years, mostly great times with the occasional down.
My in-laws seem to adore me now, and I’m also very fond of them both.
Allow me to summarize the discussion so far:
Asking for permission=bad.
Asking for a blessing=good.
A surprisingly large number of woman on here =bitter and/or missing the point.
merci beaucoup
At the ripe old age of 21 I asked my father-in-law for his eldest daughter’s hand in marriage. That was back in 2006. We have been married well over a year now. My wife is due with our first in July. I bought our house back in October. We expect to grow old together in our little home on the Jersey Shore. I have married my best friend and would say it has been the happiest time of my life.
I honestly have to say I personally believe this is a tradition which should either be retired or greatly modified. On the day in which I propose, if the lady accepts, there will be no power in heaven or earth which will stop me from marrying her. Asking permission, assumes that permission could be denied. If I have already actually proposed (see step 1) I would love to have a man-to man talk with my potential father-in law, but the fact of the matter is, even if this talk goes poorly, I will not change my mind. As such, “asking permission” would be insulting. If I asked my own father for permission to drive his corvette, and he said no, I WOULD NOT DO SO. Not so, in the case of marriage proposal. A man-to man could still be a great idea, and most steps would still apply, but “asking permission” would be an empty insulting gesture.
Recently my 24 year old daughter’s boyfriend came and asked for both mine and my husband’s blessing to marrying our daughter. We could not give it. We told him clearly it wasnt because we didnt think him suitable but the timing was inappropriate. They have only been dating just over 3 months. Both are keen to get married. Our daughter has been very impulsive in the last 12-24 months. Only 5 months ago wanting to move in with a feller she had only known a couple of months only to break up 2 weeks later. We fear she is more interested in finding someone to marry but not necessarily Mr Right. She just wants someone to marry her! Her younger sister by 4 years is engaged and is to be married in 12 months time. They were engaged six months ago and so have a very decent time to wait and enjoy being fiances. Now our eldest daughter who has only known the guy just over three months wants to jump ahead and quickly marry this year. In total, meet, engage and marry in under 8 months.
We know it has worked for some. He possibly is the right guy but given her track record want them to wait a bit longer and also be considerate of her younger sister and not jump the cue! We dont understand why there is a need to rush things.
It was difficult not to give our blessing and we feel somewhat disappointed that we have been robbed of the opportunity to be happy…if only they would wait…its just too early. Our daughter is missing out on being able to share this what should be happy time. We’re pretty sure that everyone she announces to will also have concerns. Everyone will miss out on being happy for them and naturally, they wont be happy either.
We dont know what to do from here.
just I want to maried but I don t find a good woman for that, I hope to find it in this meeting
sliman
#7 wouldn’t it be the rest of my life?
OK, forgive my snarkiness, wonderful article, and I think it is a wonderful tradition. I am curious though, my gal’s parents live 6 hours away, and he visits here much more frequently then i visit there (never have). Would it be acceptable to wait for a visit and as him then? That and how long after asking her for her hand is acceptable?
Warning: Female perspective! Another reason to ask her Father’s blessing, and this is not for everyone, obviously, but it was for me, is that before I was married I “belonged” to my Dad. (In a sense.) I was “his girl”. When he walked me down the aisle, he “gave me away”. Gave me TO someone. Now I belong to my husband, in the best sense of the word “belong”. It only made sense for my future groom to ask my Dad if he could have the honor of my hand. I was his girl, after all.
@Michael-
I would say waiting for him to visit you is fine if you’re not in a hurry.
“That and how long after asking her for her hand is acceptable?”
Could you clarify what you mean here?
From a woman:
I told my fiancee that if he wanted to marry me, then he would have to ask BOTH my parents for a blessing. I’m not sure why the mother is left out seeing as how she’s the one that had your bride to be in the first place. I personally think it’s sexist to ask the father for permission. Just ask the parents for a blessing and move on. There are women that don’t mind the asking a man for permission to be property to another man, but there are some women that are independent and don’t belong to any man.
here’s the scoop…
fundamentally, in biologic history man has protected the woman and woman has civilized the man. the asking has to do with the woman moving from the man’s protection to the future husband’s. It has nothing to do with property. (and notice the woman’s power in this arrangement)
can’t wait for the name-calling regarding my opinion
… about how misogynist and backward it is, ‘chauvinist, insensitive, and inappropriate’,… respondents reasoning out of their own little experience, and protected by social systems that allow them to delude themselves. but it’s the truth.
oh, and what does ’sexist’ mean? To me, it means recognizing the differences between the two. Thus only a fool could fail to be sexist.
(tip: if your future father-in-law is not the kind that can be asked, you should consider long and hard whether you should be interlinking with that other family web. not saying it won’t work, just that you are defying the odds).
then finally, why are women who are ‘independent’ and self-sufficient bothering to read this men’s site? why should they care? and commenting to correct the author? mebbe they have a few control issues of their own?
Our society has lost a sense of “family” with everyone going here, there, everywhere and no anchor or consistency. Asking a potential father-in-law (and mother-in-law as well, very good point) acknowledges his care for his daughter, and you are now assuming the care of his child. After the wedding you also get another father (in-law)–somebody to help you finish that deck, or lend you that fishing pole. Sure, you’re going to clean their swimming pool, but then you can grab the beer in the fridge, without asking, or needing to be offered.
You also demonstrate you are able to go man-to-man with someone older, and, yes, be declined. Take it like a man, and ask why if that happens. Listen to the answer and counter with one of your own. If she is worth fighting for, or waiting for, she is worth marrying.
If he gives the ok, good job, dude. Take care of her, give her as many children as she wants, pray all the time.
I think it should not only the father’s heart should be win by a guy it should be both because what if the father is okay with his daughter marrying but the mother is not yet ready? So, to have the blessings from both parents are really important to make your marriage life successful and harmonious.
The tips being mentioned on how to win parents’ heart as you want to ask their daughter’s hand for settling down are very good as this will be the start of the foundation you want to build with the bride’s family to be in good terms on both sides.
I really do admire men who knows how to ask for blessings from the bride’s sides because it means sincerity and respects the girl’s family so much.
What if your girlfriend isn’t that close to her father (i.e. wasn’t/isn’t a part of her life)? That’s my situation. I was thinking about asking her brother because they’re very close, and he would probably be the one to give her away.
I think there’s a big difference between asking for permission, and asking for a blessing. I specifically told my husband before we were engaged NOT to ask for my father for permission – because he’s marrying me, not my dad, and we would do it regardless of his opinion. But if he had called and asked both my parents for a blessing, that would’ve been totally fine with me. He didn’t, and that was okay with me, too.
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