@ Anon – If you truly love the person you are going to marry, then you WON’T be afraid of making love to only one woman for the rest of your life. That person will continue to satisfy your sexual needs. If you need more than one woman, and your spouse isn’t into your swinger lifestyle, then she’s not the one for you.

@ Marie – I agree with Brett. If a guy is willing to break up with you because you won’t sleep with him, he doesn’t respect you. A guy who respects you should be comfortable waiting for a time when you’re ready. Some guys may try and move the relationship forward, ahead of your comfort level, but as long as you stop him gently but firmly, and explain that you’re not ready at this stage of the relationship, he should be understanding and will stop that particular advance.

@ John – ahh the devil’s advocate:

1. Just because a relationship goes smooth, doesn’t mean that there won’t be bumps along the way. Life introduces bumps. But if your encounter with these life-bumps cause relationship problems, then she’s not right for you. If you end up stronger because of it, by weathering the bumps together, then your relationship is running smoothly.

2. I would have gone the opposite of this… If you think your family and friends are controlling, or dysfunctional, then what should you care what they think? On the other hand, assuming healthy family relationships, people have often been blinded by “love” and ignored the calls of reason from family. sometimes the person you date really isn’t that nice to others….

3. Nobody’s perfect. I’m not the neatest person in the world, and my girlfriend would love it if I made a little less mess when I cook (but she won’t let me stop cooking – she likes the food too much! ). Likewise, I wish she’d keep certain things organized in the kitchen a lillte better instead of just throwing things into random drawers…. These things aren’t deal-breaking changes, but they are changes we’d like to see.

4. Won’t get involved in an enemy? You’d be surprised what people will go through for sex. Songs like “Figured You Out” by Nickelback, and “So Happy” by Theory of a Deadman show what becomes of sleeping with the enemy… And I’ve seen people fall into that mess more than once….

5. Needy isn’t a bad thing in this case. When looking to marry, you’re not looking for a roommate who can only help you pay the rent, and doesn’t steal your food… You’re looking for a lifelong companion that will be a shoulder to cry on when times are tough. You are looking for someone who, if they ask for something from you, you want to give it to them, even if it is outside your means. And you want to do this because you know they’d want to do the same for you. It’s someone you can rely on through thick and thin. At some point you realize that this is a person you NEED to have in your life. Life as you know it, would pale in comparison to life without that person. Not joined at the hip – everyone needs personal time to themselves… But joined at the heart – sharing each others’ joys and sorrows – coping with each other’s difficulties and coming out stronger in the end.

2. She gets along well with your family and friends.
Sure, that’s really great advice if you have controlling and disfunctional family and friends. They’ll even make the choice for you, won’t they?

3. There is nothing major you want to change about her.
Why would you want to change someone, minor or major? Isn’t that control?

4. She’s your best friend.
Acceptable. It’s very unlikely you’ll get involved with an enemy.

5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least.
Agreed. However: “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” Now that sounds pretty needy to me. Aren’t we losing our individuality a bit there? Sounds like you’d have to be joined at the hip.

If the guy doesn’t respect your wish not to have sex then he doesn’t respect you and your beliefs and desires, basically who you are. Period. And if he doesn’t respect you, even if you love him, there won’t be a happy future down the road. If you want to get more guys’ opinions, try posting your question on the forum on the Community page……

We are currently friends, we have been best friends from the beginning, and we still have very strong feelings for each other…I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t be with him because he puts sex on such a high pedestal, and I can’t be without him because I love him to death…sex has been our only problem from the beginning (well it’s quite important, can’t say “only”…but we click on all other levels, we even do have the same sex drive except I am determined to wait and he isn’t).

To the men in love, how would you react?

Too address the bullet points:

1. The start was bumby, I’ll not get into details, but it involved her choosing me over my best friend.
2. My friends and family adore her, and not one has mentioned the age difference.
3. There is one thing I wish I could change, of course I wish she was younger. On the other hand, If she was, she might not be as wonderful as she is. And its not that i’m uncertain whether it will change, because I know what it will not.
4. She is my best friend and the person who understands me better than anyone in the world.
5. I’m terrified of marrying her because I am so afraid my insecurity will have the best of me and I’ll have to leave her. Again this is partly because of her age, I am so afraid I’m wasting her time.

So.

We broke up a week ago and haven’t gotten back together. I forced myself to do this because I had to explore this uncertainty and give it a real voice rather than to shove it aside and hope for the best. I told her I had to sink down to the bottom and shine a flashlight on whatever things are down there, and then possibly get perspective and an idea of what I want to do.

I am desperately confused. I’m a “thinker” in that i analyze everything from all angles (which gave me good grades and makes me good at my job as a quantitative analyst), and as a result read blog posts like this one trying to get answers, substituting for my own lack of experience. And I want so much to beleive that this confusion has some substance more than just what comes naturally after a break up.

Can age differences be overcome??? Can lack of experience be overcome??? This is not a sexual issue, we are both more than satisfied.

Any reactions greatly appreciated. Sorry for the lengthy post, but it’s therapeutic. Had to be done.

I didn’t believe in “starter marriages” either until I came home one day and my wife had suddenly moved out.

The Past: Everyone has one, and the other person needs to be able to deal with it. Although some remnants (good or bad – encountering an ex, a nostalgic conversation with a friend, …..) may drift into the present, the past will always be the past. If one party can’t deal with the other’s past, the relationship is a non-starter because the past never goes away. Lessons can be learned and people can change, but relationships can’t grow if they are hindered by the past.

The Present: This is where we always live, whether climbing the corporate ladder, living the dream, or being a bum in our parent’s basement. The only difference I see between these three is planning and execution. I don’t need to tell you that no matter how well thought out, plans don’t always work out perfectly even with the best execution. Sometimes, plans change (purposely or accidentally) for the worse or maybe for the better. Have you ever been lost and discovered a great part of town or taken a detour during a night out with friends and had the best time ever? Similarly, earning a living and having ambitions are ways to reach personal and professional goals but the beginning and end are rarely connected by the neat straight lines of planning and execution. I was a consultant at 25 with a master’s degree and hated it. The issue of timing throws another wrench into the mix. I had no idea what I wanted to do professionally when I first graduated college and I would have been a mess in a relationship with anyone. In time, most people find direction and figure out what they want.

I’m rambling. The point is that goals and ambition are important but they change throughout a person’s life. They are just as important as having complimentary lifestyles, morals, and expectations. Are your lifestyles, moral views, and expectations compatible? Can you resolve problems together? Do you trust each other? Regarding timing, are you in a place (emotionally and professionally) in your life where you want to be in and can manage a committed relationship? Is your partner? I don’t remember who said it earlier, but growing in a relationship requires making the right decisions, the right choices and being ready to dive in.

Sometimes, couples agree to disagree about issues and, instead of growing a relationship in certain directions, they choose to maintain it (i.e. keep status quo). A bad sign is if you’re doing more maintaining/status quo-ing and less growing, especially in the early stages. The worst sign is if there is no growth because of destructive behavior. I’m not very religious, but I believe a sin is when someone intentionally inflicts pain (emotional, physical, psychological) onto another without just cause (most of the 10 commandments describe ways to hurt other people or yourself). I don’t blame anyone who avoids being in a relationship because of their experience in a destructive one. Those who do are either courageous or insane (a definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result).

The Future: Sorry to be cliche, but life is a journey (not a line) and you meet people at different points. Think of two people’s lives as squiggly lines that intersect. Its easy to imagine that intersecting point. I imagine marriage as these lines being side by side from that intersection until the end. Can you picture a future life with this person? Not only friends and family, but kids (or maybe not, depending on preference), bank account & finances, a home, all or most of your leisure time (weekends, holidays, extended vacations). It’s not bad if you can’t see this clearly, but if you’re a professional surfer and she hates the beach then maybe you should consider staying friends. Not knowing if it will work is different than being certain that it won’t work. The future is never certain, and I’m sorry to hear about all the people who have been screwed but it is hard to grow without taking the risk.

I don’t remember why I started writing this. I was searching for an answer to something else. Hopefully, this helps someone out there.