How Do You Know When She’s the One?
Print This Post
May 8, 2008
If you're new here, sign up to receive daily updates from the Art of Manliness either by email or by RSS. Thanks for visiting!
When we wrote 14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage, several people rightly pointed out that the best way to obtain a happy and faithful marriage is to marry the right person. But how do you know when you’ve found the right woman to settle down with?
When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.
They have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.
The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. The decision to marry my wife was the easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Here are five guidelines that guided me on deciding my wife was the one for me:
1. The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning. The best relationships I have seen, including my own, happened completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating, and then they get married. My wife and I never had a single dreaded “DTR” (Define the Relationship) during our courtship. Everything about our relationship felt like the most natural thing in the world. We never broke up and got back together. Or even considered doing so. In contrast, many couples break up and get back together numerous times. They fight and then make up and then fight again. I’m not saying that men in such volatile relationships should not get hitched. But the volatility will inevitably continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and their sense of the strength of that relationship.
2. She gets along well with your family and friends. Now there may be exceptions to this rule: your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it is a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it-your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you are not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they see. When you are in love, it often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you are sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it is wise to seek honest feedback from others.
3. There is nothing major you want to change about her. There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, then that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this flaw may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t make her change either. If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.
4. She’s your best friend. Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly, and saddled with low libidos. What’s going to hold your marriage together when you are old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.
5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. While the image of a man shaking in his boots and having second thoughts the night before his wedding makes for good TV and movie plots, the reality is that when you are marrying the “one,” you won’t be scared at all. Throughout the entire period of dating and being engaged, up until the night before my wedding, I never had a single second thought about my impending nuptials. The only thing I felt was happiness and excited anticipation. Like all of these tips, your mileage on this one may vary. I’m not saying that if you are nervous you shouldn’t get married. But if you go back and forth every week about whether you have made the right decision, you may want to do some serious soul searching.
At my wedding my father-in-law said, “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” When you find that woman, you can be sure she’s the one.
I wish there was more information on this topic available on the Internet. Great post!
When I met my husband (10 years my senior) he absolutely did not believe in marriage. It was so well known that his girlfriend gave him a birthday cake with a groom-running-from-a-bride topper.
When I asked him about it later, he said that he absolutely couldn’t imagine his life without me, and that I brought out the man he always felt he could be.
Above all, he knew he had my absolute loyalty. I had warned him ahead of time that I wasn’t into ’starter marriages’ or ‘test marriages’. That the only way he was getting out of our marriage was when you could pry my cold-dead hand off of it.
Apparently, he found that ROMANTIC. Who knew.
Loved the article, but more importantly it makes me realize the one I am with is ‘the one’ and I Love her all the more for it. Thanks for the reassurance!
PS. Great topic keep it up.
Great tips. Though I think there are still more factors. And I know, I have not met the one of my life yet!
Totally disagree with the first criteria. While I think that “going smoothly from the beginning” is a positivite in any relationship, a rocky relationship at the beginning does not mean that you should throw in the towel. My wife and I broke up 10 or 15 times while dating. I think we had at least 20 “DTRs” It was really back and forth for the first several months and eventually we broke up for what I thought was for good. Quite a bit of time passed and I realized that I couldn’t live without her. We were married just a few months later and are very very happy. We don’t fight, have no major problems and I really can’t think of anything I’d change in our relationship. What I realize now was really our problem in the beginning was lack of commitment and agreement on the type of relationship we should be in (I wanted a little more freedom than she did). Our fights and consequent break-ups were never about lack of compatability.
@Anon-There are definitely exceptions to every rule. I’m glad you’ve found happiness.
I have to call B.S. on this list. My ex and I met all the criteria, yet our marriage went down in flames after 10 years. I’m not going to go into why it ended horribly and abruptly.
Perhaps a warning: people change, mostly for the better but occasionally (as in my case) they change for the worse. Do not compromise your morals to keep your marriage together, it only delays the inevitable. Be prepared to fight and fight hard when it gets to court.
I forwarded this to all my dating friends - to encourage some to break up and others to get married. This list exactly matches my wife and me - we’ve been together 7 and married 5 and still ON FIRE!
Nice. This accurately describes my marriage and I agree with every point.
I think the list is a fair one, although perhaps not universally applicable. Two things I might add are: (1) Listen to what friends and family say about her; and (2) Pay attention to how she interacts with and treats others.
Often when in the midst of a romance, we can be oblivious to our girlfriend’s faults. Sure, we might notice the little things that bother us, but it is remarkable how we are capable of ignoring egregious faults — or acknowledge them and find some way of rationalizing them or discounting them. That’s why we should bring her home to mom. Mom will tell you after a few interactions with her what kind of woman your girlfriend really is. Some moms are more difficult or more unfair than others, so in that case, listen to what other friends and family have to say. Thinking about my past, it’s amazing how many relationships ended with me finally acknowledging problems that I had stubbornly ignored but that others had noticed months or even years earlier.
The second thing is to pay attention to how your girlfriend or fiancée treats other people. If she is frequently degrading of other women, if she talks ill of co-workers, if she is indifferent to the plight of the poor, elderly, or handicapped, if she cheats or steals (even the little things) or tells little white lies all the time, she’s giving you evidence that you should extrapolate to your own relationship with her. She might act like she loves and adores you when you’re with her, but if she is friendly and supportive of others when they’re in front of her, only to backstab them in some way when they turn around, then chances are she’ll do the same to you one day.
I think “opening our eyes” a bit more can really help to find the right woman. On that note, I’ll add that one should take his time. An engagement should be between 1-2 years long, and you should know her for at least that long before you pop the question. Don’t propose after you know her for 3 months, get married at 9 months… chances are, you’ll be divorced in a year.
Oh, something else you might find interesting…
On my blog, I recently commented on an article from Atlantic Monthly entitled “Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good enough.” This story is from the reverse angle, of a 40-year-old woman who ponders why she never got married (mainly because she was too picky and held many feminist convictions). In the end, she regrets having turned down so many “Mr. Good Enoughs” on the search for Mr. Right.
It makes for a very interesting read, even for us men.
The original article is here: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
and my commentary is here: http://www.miserere.org/m/archivedposts/323
My new husband just sent this to me, and I must agree 110%! We met a year ago on an internet dating site, and the rest is a wonderful tale of respect, friendship and love. We are the best of friends, and can’t even remember what life was like before we met. We got married ( on the sly) exactly one year to the day after he “e-wink’ed me. We are planning a “wedding’ for June, where we will reveal our elopement for sentimental reasons. I never thought I could be loved like this, and I love knowing that my man is “the one” for me!
Just this last weekend I was at my Uncle and (new) Aunt’s wedding. It’s both of their second marriages, and at the reception during their speeches they mentioned that while they had had their rough patches, and did call the relationship quits for a little while, in the end they new they had to get married “because despite all the rough patches, it was harder being apart than it was being together”.
#2 Very True!! I was going out with a very hot chick and was really caught up in the relationship. But all of my friends, and specially my female friends agreed that she was not the right girl.
After we took some distance, I saw that she was a kind of two sided person. In one hand she managed to convince me she was very sweet and lovely, but in reality she had a really bad atittude and was constantly mistreating people that she wasn’t interested on making a good impression.
So, some women, not all, can be very deceptive. Be careful, and do your homework! Find out what is she like when she is not around you.
I love how this is written by Brett AND Kate McKay. I’d love to see #5 rewritten from an HONEST point of view. Let’s face it, Brett. If your wife wasn’t writing this with you, rather than telling us how you weren’t nervous, you’d be giving us the truth about how freaked out you were at the thought of having one sex partner for the rest of your life.
I know a guy who runs a bunch of marriage seminars. He contents that a successful marriage is less about marrying the right PERSON and more about doing the right THINGS.
While you can marry someone who is difficult to get along with–most people fail in their actions after marriage. Often both parties turn into jerks.
this is actually a good piece of advice…but I wonder if you have the same guidelines for the ladies? how do we know the man is the right one for us? I hope Kate can give us her insight on this - how did you know that Brett is the one you’re gonna marry…..if you have any ideas it will be a big help for us ladies….. sometimes females can be so darn blind…. =)
Hi Nen-
Brett and I came up with this list together, so I think the guidelines listed apply equally well to men and women. The only other thing that comes immediately to mind is:
-Is he ambitious? A lot of women initially find very alluring the free spirited, drifter type. He’s unique, he’s deep, he’s interesting. But eventually women realize that he’s a bum who’s never going to “find himself.” This is not to say women need to find a guy who’s hell bent on climbing the corporate ladder. But he should be setting some goals and taking steps towards attaining them.
I’ve got some questions for Brett.
What were your relationships like before you met Kate? What did you learn from your previous experiences that helped your relationship with Kate? And how long have you and Kate been together now?
“-Is he ambitious? A lot of women initially find very alluring the free spirited, drifter type. He’s unique, he’s deep, he’s interesting. But eventually women realize that he’s a bum who’s never going to “find himself.â€? This is not to say women need to find a guy who’s hell bent on climbing the corporate ladder. But he should be setting some goals and taking steps towards attaining them.”
Though I think This has cost me great relationships, I will throw my 2 cents in….I resent this. Women and men get lost. Through the last quarter century society has changed, and equality, dual income families have changed the face of “Family” and “Relationships”. Now it is not the sole responsibilty of the man to be the breadwinner, and maybe it is time we as a sex explore whom we want to be, to expand our horizons…..But somehow that is unacceptable, and we get labeled BUMS! A man who labeled a woman a bum for not having clear carrer goals would be heavily chastized.
THis is why equality is not advancing. No one can have cake and eat it to. You can’t go through 50 years of change and re-evaluate yourself, and change, and not expect the other sex to change and give them space to re-evaluate their stance
rdk - I’m all for equality, and believe ambition should be expected from both parties. Yes, men and women are susceptible to being lost, but if you’re deciding to settle down with someone ‘for the long run’ both parties should have compatible goals, and be able to talk and agree about where they see each other going. Whether a woman’s ultimate goal is to stay at home and be the best mother she can be, or to climb the corporate ladder and be CEO (both should be acceptable, and there are stay-at-home dads too!), just HAVING goals is an important beginning for both people. The next step is working out how you can best help each other achieve them.
I mean, who better to go through the trials and rewards of pursuing something meaningful in life, than the person you love the most and intend to spend the rest of your life with?