When we wrote 14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage, several people rightly pointed out that the best way to obtain a happy and faithful marriage is to marry the right person. But how do you know when you’ve found the right woman to settle down with?
When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.
They have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.
The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. The decision to marry my wife was the easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Here are five guidelines that guided me on deciding my wife was the one for me:
1. The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning. The best relationships I have seen, including my own, happened completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating, and then they get married. My wife and I never had a single dreaded “DTR” (Define the Relationship) during our courtship. Everything about our relationship felt like the most natural thing in the world. We never broke up and got back together. Or even considered doing so. In contrast, many couples break up and get back together numerous times. They fight and then make up and then fight again. I’m not saying that men in such volatile relationships should not get hitched. But the volatility will inevitably continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and their sense of the strength of that relationship.
2. She gets along well with your family and friends. Now there may be exceptions to this rule: your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it is a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it-your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you are not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they see. When you are in love, it often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you are sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it is wise to seek honest feedback from others.
3. There is nothing major you want to change about her. There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, then that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this flaw may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t make her change either. If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.
4. She’s your best friend. Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly, and saddled with low libidos. What’s going to hold your marriage together when you are old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.
5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. While the image of a man shaking in his boots and having second thoughts the night before his wedding makes for good TV and movie plots, the reality is that when you are marrying the “one,” you won’t be scared at all. Throughout the entire period of dating and being engaged, up until the night before my wedding, I never had a single second thought about my impending nuptials. The only thing I felt was happiness and excited anticipation. Like all of these tips, your mileage on this one may vary. I’m not saying that if you are nervous you shouldn’t get married. But if you go back and forth every week about whether you have made the right decision, you may want to do some serious soul searching.
At my wedding my father-in-law said, “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” When you find that woman, you can be sure she’s the one.
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I want the long-term, deep bond with that “special someone” but the idea of marriage is what I find difficult, and not for the reasons you’d think. I’m only talking about the institution/instrument of marriage here. I’m a very happy atheist, and to me, marriage is an artifact of religiocentric societies which is not relevant to non-religious people like me. Since churches have lost their quasi-government power over the centuries, marriage has somehow migrated into civil/secular life, and is now an instrument of the state. Marriage used to be required for people to be able to become couples, have sex, and have kids. What is it good for now? What does it give someone over and above what they would have in a non-married, permanent relationship? Tax advantages might be one thing, but managing one’s affairs properly through other means is better. I can’t figure out anything else.
Seriously, why would anyone want the state’s permission to have a long-term relationship? I think women tend to get caught-up in their girlhood dreams of having a fairy-tale wedding with a knight in shining armour, etc., and that’s perfectly fine (dreams are wonderful and far be it from me to trod on anyone’s!), but why do I need to sign a piece of paper that does nothing other than making a dissolution of the relationship difficult and expensive? It does nothing for either person in the relationship that I can see. I can have a non-marriage wedding ceremony (fairy-tale, of course!), I can still call my life partner my wife, we can still have kids, and we can do everything else married couples do, without the interventionist involvement of the state. I am equally bound to my future wife by my word, given at our ceremony. Why does the state need to poke its big nose into our affairs?
Am I the only one that thinks this way? I just hate the idea of having to have government permission for a relationship, which the government has no business regulating, especially when this regulatory philosophy persists from a religious context that does not involve me.
I’d love to hear any opinions about this.
Hi all,
I’m really in uneasy condition now,psychologically. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year. Rationally, I know she’s the best and perfect person I’ve ever met, she loves me a lot n supportive,fun beautiful,smart,has a good job, but honestly i don’t really loves her. i don’t have the deep love feeling to her. what should i do to make sure that I love her as much as she does?
Marriage is only about money. You’ll know when you’ve found the ‘right woman” when she doesn’t ask for half your stuff under a preconceived notion that your current relationship isn’t good enough.
If a woman isn’t smart enough to realize I am not that dumb then we aren’t going to work out.
(im only doing this again because i didnt check the typos)
oogie pringle i have sort of the same thing as you……………….im 14 now and it seems stupid to read this but i want really focusing on the marriage part but to know if shes the one i like………………i mean i truley LIKE. iv been friends with her since 13, 1 year ago and shes in all of my classes,we eat lunch together with my other friends,and we get along just fine……………huh this article just makes me feel sooo much better in the inside now…………im glad i read this ( even im only 14 years old =]).
dysko.
I say try at least two flavours, then you will realize if you are one of three people:
1. You like vanilla more than chocolate.
2. You like chocolate more than vanilla.
3. You like chocolate and vanilla at the same time. ;)
Ofcourse there is always the risk that if you liked vanilla, and tried chocolate, somebody else might have eaten the rest of the vanilla… but then again, if your the type of person to have tried chocolate when you had what you liked (vanilla) then eventually you would have tried chocolate anyways. Curiousity usually gets the best of people… who wants to go their entire lives never knowing what chocolate tastes like? Personally, I’d eat dirt if it was the only way to know that vanilla tasted better. In the end knowing what tastes better, means more than actually having it, because you need to know its the best to really appreciate it. Goodluck.
Hi all love the page.
I have a problem. Im 24 and my current partner is 20. We have been together for four years with out a problem (serious problem). There was a time 6 months ago that i was thinking of asking her to marry me but another person has come in between us. Im not for cheating, and want to work things out – if thats the right thing to do. Who is to say this other girl is not “the one” for me. In the four years we have been together i have not so much as looked at another girl like i do for her let alone have feelings for someone else. Both girls are fantastic and tick all the boxes but the new girl on the seen makes my heart race and has something special about her that i just cant put my finger on, but it drives me crazy. I love and adore the girl im with and as i said even thought she was “the one” (she might be). Feelings are feelings and have always thought they shouldn’t be suppressed so how do i live with one and hide the fact that she could/should have been where my heart lay. How can any person be 100% sure? To me the “one” sounds more like someone who you will be happy with, and work through anything with….. whats to say i couldn’t do that with another?
Hey everybody, I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, since September 21st 2009 and I think I’m in love. I’ve even thought about marrying my current gf. Thought about the way we both don’t like to spend everything we’ve got and we just have so much in common. We see politics the same way, along with religous views, we both go to church regularly at the same church. She likes football and I mean she really likes it. She even likes video games, I have a hard time figuring out why she likes video games like me when she tbh isn’t that good at them yet I know for a fact she plays them even if I can’t play with her. She even bought a $300 PS3 because she liked mine and yes I returned the favor :)
But basically I have more in common with her than any girl I’ve ever known including relatives. She loves my family and I love hers, they get along great, she feels like she’s become almost a part of us. Whenever we have a superbowl party, she’s there. But this isn’t as big as you think because half the people in my town call my mom theirs.
Most importantly, she loves me for who I am, she doesn’t have the mindset of “I can MAKE this guy the one I want” and she’s tol me that. No other girl has tol me that and I don’t want her to change a thing about herself either. The best of all, I can be my complete self around her, more than I can be around my guy friends! And I love it. I’ve never been able to do that with a girl and I’ve had 7 gfs so far. I also have this understood trust deep down that she’ll never hurt me. She won’t cheat or flirt. She, me, and my friends can all be at something entertaining and I almost feel like she’s one of them except umm, when she’s PMSing. She does every month as usual and we’ve had 2 bad days over the past 6 months. Both were when she was PMSing. One day she was just mad at everything, just mad at the world and she even went to bed mad and that hurt, it hurt me to see that and to know I didn’t make it better. Then a few nights ago, she messaged mr and said “I need you.” and I was luckily just about to leave my friends when that happened. I stopped by her house and she was crying. She was very questionable. Just asking things like “why do you love me?” callin herself a failure and saying I deserved better. I told her I didn’t care what I deserved, all I wanted was her. She told me that there were so many girls better looking than her and funnier and etc. An hour later we were laughing and everything was alright. Idk what this means but Im happy it’s over. We are both in highschool although we aren’t in the same school. I don’t feel like I have to evolve my world around her because she demands it. If i did everything based on her feelings, it would be because I would want to. It makes me happy to make her happy. One day in early March, I gave her a rose for just being herself, that’s all I want. <3 Her happiness makes me happy.
I am a virgin and I'll stay one until marriage I hope so this isn't a sex based relationship.
If we are after a long term relationship, I suppose one of the best questions we could ask ourselves is “could this woman be the mother of my children?”.
Ask yourself this question and see how you feel. Then, ask again after 6 months or a year.
@dysko
Why would you settle for less than your favourite flavour?
I fit into everyone of these categories. I truly feel this girl is the one. My question comes from the last one: The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. I am not afraid of marrying her so much. I know she is the one I want to marry. What I am afraid of is my ability to provide for her. I am not in a good financial situation. That is the only thing I am afraid of. Any thoughts?
to chris
Good for you
if u know she is the one
u do the best u can to provide her
and dont forget to pray to GOD
GBU
I’ve been dating a man whom I consider to be my best friend for about two years. We’re both still in college ( ages 22-23), and before he left this summer for an out-of-state internship, I told him that he was my “one”. I didn’t believe in that mushy romantic stuff before this relationship, but now I think the corniest thing: I wish that I would’ve known him in high school; I just want as much time with him as possible.
Anyway, he also considers me his best friend and a “catch” and he cried when we parted ways for the summer (I mean, like hyperventilated; and this is a rather guy’s guy); but he says that he isn’t sure that I am “the one” for him. I’m wondering if I made myself too vulnerable when I told him “the one” comment, I don’t want him to think that he now has the power to completely break my heart, but he does; all of his letters tell me how much he loves me and how compatible we are and blah blah, but it’s like he’s trying to skirt around the issue.
I don’t want to feel so insecure about telling him that he is the one for me, and I don’t want him to be pressured into something which he doesn’t feel yet, if he ever will at all.
I guess this is a pointless rant and I do not ever wish to make our relationship into an ultimatum, but how do I get over feeling bad that I am so head over heels he’s-the-one-for-me, and he doesn’t reciprocate? How do I get my lovey-dovey feelings under control (I’ve never been this smitten in a relationship) so that if nothing super serious develops I’m not completely crushed and lose my desire to love someone else?
I would really appreciate if someone could answer this. I apologize that it is rather wordy and may not make too much sense.
My current girlfriend fails in all 5 points. You would probably think why Im I with her? Because she is sooo freakin HOT! Although I dont think I can take it much longer, it just gets reeeeeeaally boring, except those 10 of bum bum.
At the end of the day, I believe every relationship takes its natural course. Try to enjoy what you have now and dont be a pussy when you know its over and move on. Try to learn something from every experiance, and also give something to each partner.
Cheers
Well I have an interesting situation because my supposed girlfriend who is supposed to be faithful and loving, promised me ONE thing. To not talk to a guy she ditched me for to go on a date with. Now, she texts him, plays video games with him and who knows whatelse. She’s said 6 times before Ill delete him off my phone, stop talking to him online and stop playing video games with him. Now the 6 th time came along and she kept readding him and playing with him. Is this a relationship I should ditch or should I stay with her. We’re both convinced were soulmates, but I ask her to do ONE thing for me and she promised she would stop, but she hasn’t. She obviously keeps choosing him over me. Should I leave or stay?
THIS IS ME EXACTLY!!! how do you overcome this??? whats the solution for this>???
Robert January 11, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Here’s my problem. I’ve never met a better girl than my girlfriend, and I’m 99% sure that I could never find anyone who would love me as much as she does, or support me, or put up with all my stupid little ways and insecurities like she does. Why then, do I always seem to have one bloody foot out the door? Why is it that every time a girl smiles at me in the street do I get a feeling in my gut like she’s the one to make all my dreams come true? Why is it that every time I fantasize about a relationship with one of those other girls it’s always so great, and challenging, and there are never any problems? Does this mean that my girlfriend isn’t the one for me – or is it all just down to my own stupid self-doubt and insecurities? I mean, how do you see the truth, and commit to it 100% without ever looking back. i mean it’s not like there would ever be any problems with any of the other girls I find myself thinking about, and I doubt any one of them would love me and put up with me as much as my girlfriend does. WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP!?
One thing is for certain, Rob and Mike:
You will always have problems with a girl, no matter who you marry.
That’s just part of being human.
We are prone to conflict.
The question is, are you willing to HANDLE those problems for the rest of your life with your gf, or is she not worth it to you?
That’s where love comes into play. If you’re really in love with your gf, you’ll realize that you would gladly put up with the fights, as long as it all works out in the end.
You’re going to have to be honest with yourself here.
Best of luck to you both.
@Robert and @Mike – I think there are a LOT of guys like us out there…. Recent studies show that interaction with a new woman, any new woman, increases male testosterone levels… giving us adrenaline and an euphoric rush of a new encounter. It’s a mental and physical boost. Even just walking down the street and seeing a nice body of a woman can make that happen. What is ironic, though, is that YOUR wife or girlfriend is unwittingly giving that SAME boost to some other bloke in the same boat as you. We’re all just a bunch of silly animals. The secret, I think, is to tap into that euphoric feeling and bring your renewed energy home to your girlfriend/wife. Otherwise the method of keeping one foot in/one foot out will ultimately wear and tear the relationship.
I am thinking about, getting all hitched up i am 26 and my girlfriend is 32. i want to be with her really… well for-ever, but she wants to have kids now! like last year now, and i want to wait till i have a little money, nice-ish place to live.
Can anyone with experience offer there perspective. ?
im quite sure about this girl.i know i cant live without her.
but she is not sure of me.she keeps pushing away when i tried to push the relationship to the next level or even when discussing it.
is she’s the one?any advise from the wise?
thanks
naaaahhhh.i dont think she is the one
Whats up yall!! Well im 20 years old and i have a bright future ahead of me playing baseball. Im from Baton Rouge and move to Shreveport louisiana, to start over and get on track for school.I played around with my life for 20 years n was wasting real good talent. So thats whn i move to get away from all the trouble, the parting, the drugs, and all the late night with different girls.Ifelt like it was time for a change because i wanna make my mommy proud and be somebody.
MYBAD YALL I MADE A MISTAKE AN HIT SEND..lol
So i told myself i want let nothing stop me from doing good.and since i had alot of girls in my life ,and what i wanna become in life, i dont have time jumping from girl to girl. plus im ready for a family.i wanna have something that my grandparents have..so i promise and prayed that imma let “the one come to me”. when i got up there i was in the weight room working out..and these girls wlk in there..i couldnt stop looking at her. even when i left i couldnt stop thinkking bout her. and since i felt like she was the one i didnt tlk to her yet cuz i wanted to see how she was first..like a freak r something. because if she was i dont want her… but she turn every dude down who try to holla..she even turn me down even though she wanted me..n tht never happen before where a girl turn me down..but ever time we do c each other..she smile and look at me the whole time until we past each other..when i come around her i get weak..if someone say her name i get week..i like her so much i dont wanna mess with noone else..thts ha serious i am..n when i did finially tlk to her ..she so sweet man..lol..but i always told myself whn i play pro ball i want a girl thts a teacher and wanna be a great momma..n whn she told me tht i felt like she was the one..cuz i never met a girl who wanna do wht was in my thought..i never ran into a girl like tht…n i still feel tht way about her .if u was watching everything u would think its a movie..lol….WHT SHOULD I DO ANYONE?
My man is on the internet seems like all the time. I recently found a picture of a naked young lady, grant you he;s 64 years old I;m 56, this young lady is from the Phillipines , I;m not married to this man but been with him for 5 years,now I feel like I;ve been lied and cheted on; He also made plans to go see this young lady,she is about 20 years old. I love this man dearly, it’s not the first time he’s been on the internet looking for young women. will he continue to lookfor young women on the internet.. love him or leave him.
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