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How Do You Know When She’s the One?
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Welcome back! Enjoy your stay, and don't forget to man up!
When we wrote 14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage, several people rightly pointed out that the best way to obtain a happy and faithful marriage is to marry the right person. But how do you know when you’ve found the right woman to settle down with?
When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.
They have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.
The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. The decision to marry my wife was the easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Here are five guidelines that guided me on deciding my wife was the one for me:
1. The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning. The best relationships I have seen, including my own, happened completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating, and then they get married. My wife and I never had a single dreaded “DTR” (Define the Relationship) during our courtship. Everything about our relationship felt like the most natural thing in the world. We never broke up and got back together. Or even considered doing so. In contrast, many couples break up and get back together numerous times. They fight and then make up and then fight again. I’m not saying that men in such volatile relationships should not get hitched. But the volatility will inevitably continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and their sense of the strength of that relationship.
2. She gets along well with your family and friends. Now there may be exceptions to this rule: your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it is a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it-your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you are not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they see. When you are in love, it often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you are sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it is wise to seek honest feedback from others.
3. There is nothing major you want to change about her. There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, then that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this flaw may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t make her change either. If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.
4. She’s your best friend. Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly, and saddled with low libidos. What’s going to hold your marriage together when you are old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.
5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. While the image of a man shaking in his boots and having second thoughts the night before his wedding makes for good TV and movie plots, the reality is that when you are marrying the “one,” you won’t be scared at all. Throughout the entire period of dating and being engaged, up until the night before my wedding, I never had a single second thought about my impending nuptials. The only thing I felt was happiness and excited anticipation. Like all of these tips, your mileage on this one may vary. I’m not saying that if you are nervous you shouldn’t get married. But if you go back and forth every week about whether you have made the right decision, you may want to do some serious soul searching.
At my wedding my father-in-law said, “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” When you find that woman, you can be sure she’s the one.
I’ve got my tube of...
I wish there was more information on this topic available on the Internet. Great post!
When I met my husband (10 years my senior) he absolutely did not believe in marriage. It was so well known that his girlfriend gave him a birthday cake with a groom-running-from-a-bride topper.
When I asked him about it later, he said that he absolutely couldn’t imagine his life without me, and that I brought out the man he always felt he could be.
Above all, he knew he had my absolute loyalty. I had warned him ahead of time that I wasn’t into ’starter marriages’ or ‘test marriages’. That the only way he was getting out of our marriage was when you could pry my cold-dead hand off of it.
Apparently, he found that ROMANTIC. Who knew.
Loved the article, but more importantly it makes me realize the one I am with is ‘the one’ and I Love her all the more for it. Thanks for the reassurance!
PS. Great topic keep it up.
Great tips. Though I think there are still more factors. And I know, I have not met the one of my life yet!
Totally disagree with the first criteria. While I think that “going smoothly from the beginning” is a positivite in any relationship, a rocky relationship at the beginning does not mean that you should throw in the towel. My wife and I broke up 10 or 15 times while dating. I think we had at least 20 “DTRs” It was really back and forth for the first several months and eventually we broke up for what I thought was for good. Quite a bit of time passed and I realized that I couldn’t live without her. We were married just a few months later and are very very happy. We don’t fight, have no major problems and I really can’t think of anything I’d change in our relationship. What I realize now was really our problem in the beginning was lack of commitment and agreement on the type of relationship we should be in (I wanted a little more freedom than she did). Our fights and consequent break-ups were never about lack of compatability.
@Anon-There are definitely exceptions to every rule. I’m glad you’ve found happiness.
I have to call B.S. on this list. My ex and I met all the criteria, yet our marriage went down in flames after 10 years. I’m not going to go into why it ended horribly and abruptly.
Perhaps a warning: people change, mostly for the better but occasionally (as in my case) they change for the worse. Do not compromise your morals to keep your marriage together, it only delays the inevitable. Be prepared to fight and fight hard when it gets to court.
I forwarded this to all my dating friends - to encourage some to break up and others to get married. This list exactly matches my wife and me - we’ve been together 7 and married 5 and still ON FIRE!
Nice. This accurately describes my marriage and I agree with every point.
I think the list is a fair one, although perhaps not universally applicable. Two things I might add are: (1) Listen to what friends and family say about her; and (2) Pay attention to how she interacts with and treats others.
Often when in the midst of a romance, we can be oblivious to our girlfriend’s faults. Sure, we might notice the little things that bother us, but it is remarkable how we are capable of ignoring egregious faults — or acknowledge them and find some way of rationalizing them or discounting them. That’s why we should bring her home to mom. Mom will tell you after a few interactions with her what kind of woman your girlfriend really is. Some moms are more difficult or more unfair than others, so in that case, listen to what other friends and family have to say. Thinking about my past, it’s amazing how many relationships ended with me finally acknowledging problems that I had stubbornly ignored but that others had noticed months or even years earlier.
The second thing is to pay attention to how your girlfriend or fiancée treats other people. If she is frequently degrading of other women, if she talks ill of co-workers, if she is indifferent to the plight of the poor, elderly, or handicapped, if she cheats or steals (even the little things) or tells little white lies all the time, she’s giving you evidence that you should extrapolate to your own relationship with her. She might act like she loves and adores you when you’re with her, but if she is friendly and supportive of others when they’re in front of her, only to backstab them in some way when they turn around, then chances are she’ll do the same to you one day.
I think “opening our eyes” a bit more can really help to find the right woman. On that note, I’ll add that one should take his time. An engagement should be between 1-2 years long, and you should know her for at least that long before you pop the question. Don’t propose after you know her for 3 months, get married at 9 months… chances are, you’ll be divorced in a year.
Oh, something else you might find interesting…
On my blog, I recently commented on an article from Atlantic Monthly entitled “Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good enough.” This story is from the reverse angle, of a 40-year-old woman who ponders why she never got married (mainly because she was too picky and held many feminist convictions). In the end, she regrets having turned down so many “Mr. Good Enoughs” on the search for Mr. Right.
It makes for a very interesting read, even for us men.
The original article is here: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
and my commentary is here: http://www.miserere.org/m/archivedposts/323
My new husband just sent this to me, and I must agree 110%! We met a year ago on an internet dating site, and the rest is a wonderful tale of respect, friendship and love. We are the best of friends, and can’t even remember what life was like before we met. We got married ( on the sly) exactly one year to the day after he “e-wink’ed me. We are planning a “wedding’ for June, where we will reveal our elopement for sentimental reasons. I never thought I could be loved like this, and I love knowing that my man is “the one” for me!
Just this last weekend I was at my Uncle and (new) Aunt’s wedding. It’s both of their second marriages, and at the reception during their speeches they mentioned that while they had had their rough patches, and did call the relationship quits for a little while, in the end they new they had to get married “because despite all the rough patches, it was harder being apart than it was being together”.
#2 Very True!! I was going out with a very hot chick and was really caught up in the relationship. But all of my friends, and specially my female friends agreed that she was not the right girl.
After we took some distance, I saw that she was a kind of two sided person. In one hand she managed to convince me she was very sweet and lovely, but in reality she had a really bad atittude and was constantly mistreating people that she wasn’t interested on making a good impression.
So, some women, not all, can be very deceptive. Be careful, and do your homework! Find out what is she like when she is not around you.
I love how this is written by Brett AND Kate McKay. I’d love to see #5 rewritten from an HONEST point of view. Let’s face it, Brett. If your wife wasn’t writing this with you, rather than telling us how you weren’t nervous, you’d be giving us the truth about how freaked out you were at the thought of having one sex partner for the rest of your life.
I know a guy who runs a bunch of marriage seminars. He contents that a successful marriage is less about marrying the right PERSON and more about doing the right THINGS.
While you can marry someone who is difficult to get along with–most people fail in their actions after marriage. Often both parties turn into jerks.
this is actually a good piece of advice…but I wonder if you have the same guidelines for the ladies? how do we know the man is the right one for us? I hope Kate can give us her insight on this - how did you know that Brett is the one you’re gonna marry…..if you have any ideas it will be a big help for us ladies….. sometimes females can be so darn blind…. =)
Hi Nen-
Brett and I came up with this list together, so I think the guidelines listed apply equally well to men and women. The only other thing that comes immediately to mind is:
-Is he ambitious? A lot of women initially find very alluring the free spirited, drifter type. He’s unique, he’s deep, he’s interesting. But eventually women realize that he’s a bum who’s never going to “find himself.” This is not to say women need to find a guy who’s hell bent on climbing the corporate ladder. But he should be setting some goals and taking steps towards attaining them.
I’ve got some questions for Brett.
What were your relationships like before you met Kate? What did you learn from your previous experiences that helped your relationship with Kate? And how long have you and Kate been together now?
“-Is he ambitious? A lot of women initially find very alluring the free spirited, drifter type. He’s unique, he’s deep, he’s interesting. But eventually women realize that he’s a bum who’s never going to “find himself.â€? This is not to say women need to find a guy who’s hell bent on climbing the corporate ladder. But he should be setting some goals and taking steps towards attaining them.”
Though I think This has cost me great relationships, I will throw my 2 cents in….I resent this. Women and men get lost. Through the last quarter century society has changed, and equality, dual income families have changed the face of “Family” and “Relationships”. Now it is not the sole responsibilty of the man to be the breadwinner, and maybe it is time we as a sex explore whom we want to be, to expand our horizons…..But somehow that is unacceptable, and we get labeled BUMS! A man who labeled a woman a bum for not having clear carrer goals would be heavily chastized.
THis is why equality is not advancing. No one can have cake and eat it to. You can’t go through 50 years of change and re-evaluate yourself, and change, and not expect the other sex to change and give them space to re-evaluate their stance
rdk - I’m all for equality, and believe ambition should be expected from both parties. Yes, men and women are susceptible to being lost, but if you’re deciding to settle down with someone ‘for the long run’ both parties should have compatible goals, and be able to talk and agree about where they see each other going. Whether a woman’s ultimate goal is to stay at home and be the best mother she can be, or to climb the corporate ladder and be CEO (both should be acceptable, and there are stay-at-home dads too!), just HAVING goals is an important beginning for both people. The next step is working out how you can best help each other achieve them.
I mean, who better to go through the trials and rewards of pursuing something meaningful in life, than the person you love the most and intend to spend the rest of your life with?
When do I know she is the one? When she doesn’t run away and she isn’t that scary to look at and be with.
Really good article. Even though not enough, considering there could be 10 or even 100 women that can be that way in a man’s life.
Choosing one takes more. Perhaps a woman is the right one because the man simply loves her?
In response to Kate’s ambition addition, I think it is an INCREDIBLY important factor. I do agree that it applies to both men and women, but in my experience it is usually the men who are more likely to remain in their “comfort zone” than women overall. Also, a man without at least some ambition is going to be less likely to take those important RELATIONSHIP steps that take some effort (ambition is not just important in the career world but also on a personal level) such as moving in together or proposing. I would also like to note that having ambition not only implies that you HAVE goals, but you are mature enough and willing to take the steps to reach those goals (in my opinion, the effort is more important than the goals themselves). Excellent observation; the ambition factor was definitely what ended my most recent LTR.
this always a difficult and scary subject to tackle, coz my worsed fear is getting stuck in a marriege that does not work, let a long be devorced with children involved.
@rdk
Being one of those women who was with a ‘bum’, I fully agree that it’s not the sole responsibility of the man to be the breadwinner. But it’s not the sole responsibility of the woman either which is what tends to happen with bums.
I would be happy to support my man while he tried to find his mission in life if he was in active pursuit of it. I was not, however, happy to support a guy who claimed to be trying to find himself but spent all day (and night) playing video games instead.
I don’t think a man these days would accept a woman who expected to be looked after & supported while doing little in return. Neither will a woman. That’s equality.
I have been seeing this woman on and off for a year now. The reason I say “on and off” is because I have broken up with her several times. The thing is, is that I find other women I come across to be much more attractive and I get intense feelings when I look at other women who are more beautiful than her. I cannot help this and it happens alot. HOWEVER, this woman and I get along very well: our conflict resolution is perfect, we have fun together, we laugh together, always have something to talk about, I enjoy spending time with her, all of my friends and family like her, etc. etc… I just cant get over the fact that I am much more attracted(physically) to other women and that I get an emotional type feeling with other women just by looking at them that I do not get with her..
@Mia - I agree with you.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, after surviving a chronic depressive cycle. Everything was going wrong for me, from bank debts to rage at the office to losing my apartment and supposed friends. My girlfriend who i’ve been with for a year stood by me through all of it even though at some point i told her that we should break up seeing how my life had taken an Unbelievable turn for the worst. Picking up the pieces and pressing on was and still is, hard to say the least. Finding a companion who will support you through it is even harder. I am grateful that i have someone like that in my life, because they are Scarce
This is totally 100% correct. I knew after 2 months that she was “the one” and proposed after 6 months. We’ve now been married for over 9 years and have 3 wonderful children. Great article!
My woman was a bit shiftless in her desires and wants. She is 27 and still at home, but, in her younger days stayed with a dead beat for 5 some odd years, the result was having a kid. While excellent as a mother and very compatible with me, she has kind of floated along. I see her as kinda jaded through a constant barrage of crap she has gone through. I could understand - to an extent.
Career wise, I’ve always had a clear goal. Being younger and single, I had issues with ambition from time to time, staying in that comfort zone, but when I start seeing the world passing by me at the age of 25…I kinda feel left behind. That, and the fact, my woman has a kid jump started me a bit more. When I made the commitment to be with that particular woman…I knew she and the boy came as a package. I have no regret in the decision and found it refreshing to have a bit of stability compared to younger girls I had been with. Much less selfish.
I had my life and place organized, but a relative passed on and I had to take a hiatus to tend to my family. Of course, that, and getting laid off has put a pinch on my confidence and some on our relationship. Sure, unemployment pays the bills, but it has left our dreams together kind of put on hold…almost a bit stagnant.
I had noticed my drive to move forward inspired her ambition. While looking for good, supporting jobs, I study my trade to better my prospects. I understand the traditional breadwinner concept and do believe that is necessary…still tough any more on single income families to make it. My ultimate goal would be to make enough to where she could go to school and find something she wouldn’t mind doing as a career, not just a passing job. She doesn’t give me bs excuses about “finding herself”. I’d ultimately want her to not have to depend on me or any one else.
That, and the fact the family dynamic just doesn’t work as well with the potential in laws. Although, we get along just fine…she lives in *their* house. There will be some conflict for control.
Simple enough, move out and get a place so *our* family can strive. The boys grandparents spoil the hell out of him. I come from a relatively cut and dry family of “rights and wrongs” well established…and clear consequences for transgressions. That upbringing has been vital to my character.
Of course, while the woman has similar wants and dreams as I…Most of the weight is on my shoulders. She does carry her weight, but doesn’t have the resources much beyond that. I don’t mind the task, but it sure is discouraging every time a promising job comes up that would allow me, financially, to hold that weight…and it doesn’t come to fruition.
My old lady has had a bit of a rough upbringing, especially being left as a single mother having to move back home. But, despite her circumstance and challenges, she has made great strides from where she WAS and where she is now.
The woman and kid is there…love them both to death. And, despite the rough currents, she sticks it out with me. But both my career and family are at a bit of a stand still. I have to tackle both a lingering sense of hopelessness, the barrage on my confidence as a provider, and a fleeting dream that I just want to have.
We both come from similar upbringings, near poverty and working damn hard for everything we ever had. But damn the circumstances I end up finding myself in. Its one thing to screw your own life up and know it, its another to have it turned up side down by factors completely out of your control. I guess it’s a good test of our relationship and builds a bit of character all the same.
Well, that’s my two cents. I do get a little long winded at times, so please excuse me
@Nen - Clearly you are not discovering a need within yourself that is being fulfilled.
Re-read #4 at the bottom here over and over until it becomes clear.
Cheers!
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Great list, but perhaps a bit idealistic.
If it were so easy to meet someone that met all of this criteria from the git go, I doubt the divorce rate would be topping 50%+. Truth is, we work with what we’ve got, and we all have different needs and upbringings. It’s a bit unrealistic to expect that your spouse is going to be perfect in every aspect, and even if he/she is in the beginning, that can change.
I especially disagree with the “DTR” comment - communication is a fundamental part of every relationship. Just because puppy love carries you through the first stages, it doesn’t mean that after 20 years, you’re not gonna need to talk openly and frankly about a lot of things.
I wish the author the best in his relationship, but his constant affirmations of what a perfect and carefree ride his relationship has been from the start to wedding bells is a bit annoying to those of us who make the effort to quite consciously build the types of relationships we want in our lives. The BAD times are the true test of a relationship. If you’ve never have any, are you sure you know what you’re placing stock in?