Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Cameron Ming. Check out his last guest post on Grilling the Perfect Steak.
I was watching a program on Caligula the other night. Most should remember Caligula as one of the most inhumane, blood-thirsty, and psychotic of all Roman emperors. On the program they pointed to a turning point in his reign where he sort of just cracked. He had started out fine but about six months in he turned wacko. Some of the more notable acts of lunacy included ordering the deaths of tons of people (including his cousin), proclaiming himself a god, and wanting to make his horse a consul. As most of these programs do, there were various experts and professors that gave their commentary on Caligula’s life. One gave her opinion as to why Caligula lost his marbles. She said – and this is the kicker – he never had a chance to “find himself.”
That’s right folks, the ensuing bloodbath was all because little Caligula never had a chance to really find out who he was. Whatever. I’m not an expert on Ancient Roman History and I’m no psychiatrist, but I think that’s absolutely the lamest excuse ever.
It’s nice to know that one of the stupidest tools of justification has made its way into the big leagues. Most of the time that I’ve heard, “Oh, I really think I just need to find myself,” it involves a 20-something kid that still can’t decide what they want to do with their life. It’s typically used as a cop-out to wriggle out of committing to a woman or as a cover to continue putting off any kind of real responsibility. It’s what man-boys tell themselves while they continue to play video games 7 hours a day, get smashed every weekend, and sleep with anyone that’s willing.
Human beings have the longest childhood and adolescence of any animal in the world. You spent 22 years finding yourself. You know what you like and what you don’t like. If you are still “finding yourself” after college, it’s because you’re afraid of commitment.
Now, I’m definitely not against really understanding one’s self and truly knowing who you are (the essence of “finding yourself”) – that’s all just fine. I think that’s the key to being happy. What I do think is that anyone who consciously states he is “finding himself” is a tool. I don’t think it’s something you sit down and decide. It just happens.
The irony is that the only way to actually find yourself is by embracing commitment. I learned way more about who I really am after suffering through hardcore adversity and taking on massive responsibility than I ever have by taking some “me” time. I think that’s what real men do. You find out what you are made of and who you really are when the fight starts. Not by playing video games and sleeping around. That type of “finding yourself” is a largely selfish prospect and is ultimately detrimental to developing acceptable social skills. No real growth can come from it.
So to say that Caligula lost his marbles and banished his wife and killed his father-in-law because he never had a chance to find himself is a pretty weak argument. I’d just say he wasn’t a man and couldn’t handle the pressure.
Here are some legitimate ways a man can truly find himself:
1) Commit to a Relationship: I don’t care if it’s a puppy or a plant (but better if it’s a human), being in a relationship where someone depends on you requires you to sacrifice and make time – both things that will help you to prioritize your life and learn respect for others.
2) Get a Job and Keep it: If you’re over 22 and daddy is still paying your rent and bills, something is wrong. Get a job and make your own way. And don’t quit if it gets hard. Stick it out and be respectful to your boss and coworkers. I’ve learned a ton about myself by how I handle tense moments at work, not during a sweet 8 on 8 halo battle with my buddies. My sick Halo skills haven’t been responsible for any increase in my salary…yet.
3) Do Service for Someone that Really Needs it: Giving of yourself and your time is always nice, but to do it for someone that really needs it makes you feel all nice inside. And try this – see how long you can go without telling anyone about it. I was watching a show the other night where this millionaire kept bragging about how many poor families he fed last year. He didn’t even try to be discrete about it. Made me question his motives. If you keep it quiet then it’s truly for you and the other person. No one else needs to know.
4) Get Married: I truly believe that personal progression plateaus at a certain point. You can only do so much on your own. When you feel reasonably comfortable with yourself – it’s time to get married. No matter how awesome you thought you were when you were single, if approached properly, marriage will make you a better man. Nothing in this world has made me grow more than the honest and complete commitment I made, and continue to make, to my wife.
5) Start a Family: If you thought marriage was a test – kids will blow your mind. Not only have I learned patience, understanding, and how to handle complete frustration when dealing with my son, I have never been more aware of my virtues and flaws than when I see myself in his little actions. I have become keenly aware of my own personality as I see him reflect the behavior that he was either born with or has learned because of me. Talk about finding myself – there’s a little version of me running around my house.
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I thought I’d add my voice to those who disliked the article.
@Matt: I also got that idea about the author.
I’m reminded of my ex class mates who got their girlfriends pregnant by mistake, they may look happy with their kids but are they better men than me for having made that mistake?
I’m 23, btw, it sounds illogical being advised to cuff myself to those commitments, especially since I have experienced so few things in life because I still must learn about leaving my comfort zone.
Brett, I think your next article should be entitled, “The Art of Reading Comprehension,” because it seem like a lot of the above posters missed the point of the article completely and instead decided to ramble on about how they didn’t want kids, have a family or heaven forbid, “conform” to society. The author (who was kind of enough to post here in case all of you didn’t notice) was stating that a real man puts forth effort into what he commits to, no matter what it is (His examples where just that: EXAMPLES, particularly from his own experiences), in order to find himself; not half-ass through life leeching off others to avoid taking responsibility for himself.
This was not an end-all-be-all list of how to find oneself, but an article simply stating that if men give it their all in whatever they decide to do, they’ll come out better from the experience, and thus better understand who they are. If you backpack through Europe and learn about different cultures, acquire new skills you could never find anywhere else, and ultimately come back a more refined person with experience that will help you later in life, great! You where able to do that because you COMMITTED to something, and not sleep around and get high in Amsterdam to avoid your problems.
You find yourself through commitment and perseverance in the things you do, not by saying ”I need to find myself” and act like a asshole; that was the point of the piece, but obviously too many of you are hell-bent on making it about some scorned conservative attempting to perserve social norms.
Well, at least you guys are committed…
I think the idea of “finding yourself” becomes a crock the moment those words escape your mouth.
First of all, the term in itself is New-Age bs designed to assign blame to anyone or anything other than the person at fault. It’s a common excuse for foolish irresponsibility. So and so got wasted last night and made a complete jackass of himself…oh, he’s just “finding himself.” I mean, pretty much the only thing I am ever 100% sure of in my life has always been exactly where I am at the time. Maybe not geographically, I got lost in a few foreign cities during my military days, but that’s beside the point.
Anyone who claims that they are “trying to find themselves” is really saying “life passed me by and I’m too lazy to catch up, so I’m waiting for life to backtrack and try to find me.” And I’m glad someone mentioned “Fight Club,” because that movie does speak to a certain aspect of our male culture. It’s a consumer-driven impulse to find oneself in meaningless pursuits while you should be out trying to better yourself. All you need is Tyler Durden to hold a gun to your head and tell you if haven’t “found yourself” in six weeks, you will be dead. Now run on home…
‘Finding yourself’
Hmm, if ‘Yourself’ was rotten and evil down to the core, and you have found him, what will you do? What if ‘Yourself’ is the one with the deepest, darkest sin that you have ever met?
The inner monster that you cannot control, no matter how much you try. The alcoholics, the drug addicts, murderers, compulsive gamblers, serial womanizers, and all the other people who are bound by the bondages and vices of man, will ‘finding themselves’ help them?
It takes other men who are compassionate enough to stand alongside them and get them back on their feet, because we know that in their weakness, no amount of ’soul searching’ will do them any good. If they find their true self to be truly dark, won’t they spiral further downwards?
This article really hits the spot on how things are nowadays tailored for people to shirk responsibilities, with all the whacked up philosophies and teachings, probably cooked up just to sell a whole lifestyle to those who want to hear what they want to hear (think of how big the ‘find yourself’ cash machine is). At the same time, the scope of this article, I feel, is too narrow.
I understand being a good family man should be the core value of society, as the core of society is family. At the same time the bigger picture needs to be looked at as well. Think of people like Mother Theresa, who did not have to ‘find herself’ to serve her fellow man, and in so doing probably became more a ‘man’ than any of us can. Or other great people like Martin Luther King Jr. Did any of these people have to ‘find themselves’? I believe they arrived where they were by going through trials and hardships, making a committment to what they believed in, like what the author briefly mentioned.
However, at the same time, there are some things that can be beyond the control of any man. This is where other men come in to help each other out. ‘A cord of three strands makes the rope stronger.’
Wow, when did this site become about being weak? I mean essentially this article is saying you should conform to one lifestyle that has been dictated to you and find someone to keep you going because you can’t do it alone. This is pathetic and makes me think twice about visiting this site twice. I agree with a few points in this article, but it takes lame extremes and uses them to make a man into a wimp who needs to conform to a suburban stereotype.
@IZM- Then please don’t come back. If you think marriage and starting a family is some lame suburban stereotype, then this site isn’t for you.
@SonofShiba – You nailed it.
I believe one of the qualities of a real gentleman is not giving in to knee jerk reactions. It seems to me that a lot of commenters saw the word gamer, or marriage, or whatever and reacted by taking it personally, removing it from context and defending their own lifestyles (which did not fit the examples mentioned) at the expense of this blog or the author of the article.
I think a real man can feel secure in the choices he has made without dismissing the decisions of others.
I think some of the agitated commenters should re-read this line:
“Here are some legitimate ways a man can truly find himself:”
There were no steps, mandates, or prerequisites for manhood. The bottom line was that “finding yourself” is a lame excuse or crutch for the immature, indecisive or reactive/passive people who just wait for things to happen for them.
Personally, I follow Stonewall Jackson’s mantra, “You may be whatever you resolve to be”. I decide who I am going to be and try to make it happen. I am myself and through introspection and improvement of my weaknesses and capitalization of my strengths I try to achieve my goals.
Also, a few folks have found fault with one post and globalized it to the entire blog. Most men I have admired have an incredible ability to work with people who disagree with them without taking it personally or getting worked up about it. I am trying to get better at this and think some other readers could benefit by learning to disagree gracefully as well.
Hmm… Good post. Seems to be making some people feel real uncomfortable, obviously hitting a little too close to home. A real man takes responsibility not just for his own welfare but for others who need it. He faces his fears and does what has to be done because people rely on him.
And responsibility to others is not just wife & kids, it can also be employees, parents, siblings, team mates etc.
I thought this was a great article. I am a twenty-year old college student and I actually agree with the point. Taking on responsibility and commitment how to become a man. I think that by putting off “manhood” by traveling, bouncing from job to job, living at home, etc. is simply a way for people to avoid the inevitable, growing up.
If any of you are up for a good read that this article pretty much summarizes check out “Generation Me” by Jean M. Twenge. I read it for a class and I thought it was a pretty good read. Made me do some thinking about myself and the society I live in.
Also, does Cameron Ming have a blog/website? I would like to read more of his work.
-Tom
I disagree that graduate school or higher education is an excuse or a cop-out. I thinik furthering one’s education and seeking higher knowledge is manning up and bettering yourself and possibly humanity through your research. Most people just want to get their B.S./B.A. and start making money. I plan on entering graduate school and beginning research in engineering, in the hopes that I can help humanity with my work. Seeking knowledge that isn’t required shows maturity and growth beyond the college/young mentality.
Manning up shouldn’t be such a cookie-cutter path. Take a path that will allow you to grow into the man you want to be. Grow up, but don’t think you have to take the path that others have taken.
Just my $0.02 (after taxes, of course)
i agree about furthering one’s education. i think it is the motivation and reasoning behind the education that matters. i know a lot of people that go to graduate school because they just don’t have any other idea of what to do. i think some of them might subconsciously be scared of going out into the real world.
my father went back to school to get his masters and doctorate because his teacher’s salary wasn’t making ends meet for our family. he made the decision to better his position for his family. i think that is a very respectable thing to do.
but just like many other things, education can become an excuse or blanket to hide under. like i said, i think the reasoning behind it is the key.
All the great spiritual masters, have taught that the first step to human growth and maturity is “know thyself.” The way one discovers oneself is paradoxically not through grasping at all the experiences one can, but in the giving of ones self. Fullness of life comes to those who give their life for others, to bring life to others. The journey of the young man is often the time to discover this, to go from self-centredness to real altruism. Commitment becomes a natural end when one is sufficiently aware of himself and what is worthy to give himself too (society does not always tell us what is really worthy). The paths that are life giving can very well be marriage and children ( a truly wonderful vocation), but can as well be other paths, so long as that path continues to be one where he can grow and and bring light and life around him. There have been many a doctor or teacher, scientist or person dedicated to a good cause who chose not to get married to bring life and light in our world, some of them are Religious brothers, priests or missionaries. The real path then to maturity of manliness is the integrity he achieves by his faithfulness to his well discerned commitments even in the face of trials.
I agree the part of embracing you commitment. And I also agree that building a relationship is a good way to embrace your commitment.
Sometimes I sit down and spent several hours to figure out who am I. Woo, I will say, stand up and do something, you will find yourself by doing things and you also will achieve happiness by doing things.
Normally I really like this site, but this article just shows your complete lack of understanding on the subject and your typical “manly” reaction to anything that in any way resembles touchy-feely. Go read some Bruce Lee books. Bruce’s entire set of theories revolved around self knowledge and that all knowledge eventually leads to self knowledge. Now please tell me Bruce wasn’t “manly” because i know for a fact he’d kick yours and my ass at the same time, and probably anybody else who visits this site.
@Billy- you completely missed the point of the post. We’re all for people being self aware and having self-knowledge. What we think is lame is when young people use “I’m finding myself” as an excuse to put off adult responsibilities and commitments. Read the post and the comments again.
I don’t think it’s fair to refer to these types of guys as “man-boys”, they are—infact—men. However, if “finding themselves” becomes their lifestyle, they just simply have missed out on the point of being a man.
Doesn’t make them something other than a man, just a waste of one.
@Brett *quote* What I do think is that anyone who consciously states he is “finding himself� is a tool.
So when someone sits back and says hey, i really don’t know what I want out of life and “consciously” tries to figure it out, regardless of his age, he’s a tool?
I think THAT is the essence of manhood. Being able to admit your mistakes, most importantly to yourself, and take active steps to fix them. Figuring out what you want in life and going after it. And that takes conscious effort.
@Billy-No great spiritual leaders went around telling people “I’m finding myself.” You don’t say it, you just do it. It’s like people who have to explicitly say, “I’m really into indie music and movies.” If you really were, you wouldn’t have to say it. You’d be secure in that. And again the quote selected can only be understood in context. The context is that only guys who are tools explicitly say “I’m finding myself” in order to avoid commitment.
@billy
i don’t think the article is advocating not knowing who you are. “finding yourself” has become a colloquialism of people putting on the process of really and truly finding yourself. when “finding yourself” is used in the article it is in reference to this shirking of true self evaluation.
most of the time “i’m finding myself” is consciously stated by an individual, they are just trying to put off growing up, taking on responsibility, and becoming a man.
as stated in the article. i don’t think “finding yourself” is something you sit down and decide to do. understanding who your are is a process that comes through out your entire life. just as it would be preposterous to jump and say “ah ha, i have found myself” after a few moments of reflection, it seems preposterous that a person legitimately believes that by telling people he is “finding himself” while he continues to pursue selfish activities that more than likely would prevent anyone from gaining a deeper understanding of who they are individually.
understanding who you are IS essential to manliness. no one ever said that correcting yourself, examining your life, admitting mistakes, etc. wasn’t manly. it is procrastinating these things while cloaking oneself in the idea of “finding yourself” that is the problem, and that is what the article is trying to say.
“Finding Yourself” Is A Crock.
But let me give you five ways to find yourself –
WHAT A CROCK!!!!
@Justin-You may not know this but when words have quotes around them like “Finding Yourself” does in the title, that means that they are being used in a specific manner. In this case, the “finding yourself” in the title specifically refers to its usage as an excuse for putting off commitment. As Cameron has stated MANY times, he is not opposed to the search for self-knowledge. He is simply against the idea that you have to put off responsibility in order to attain it.
@ Justin- Yeah buddy. Learn to pick up on nuance. Or is that too much for your pea sized brain.
1&2 fair enough.
3. When someone does something for me, maybe then I’ll do something for someone else.
4. Congrats! Some lady now officially owns half of your stuff and money, and if she ever decides to split, you have to pay her monthly dues for her trouble.
5. If you are that self-absorbed and narcissistic that you think a small version of you running around is a great asset to the world and yourself thats nice. But, it’s really not.
I’m pretty sure caligula went mad because of syphilis
Though I disagree with the articles title, the concepts contained are fairly valid. As a man develops, he must test himself and compete. This is hardwired into all of our systems and there is really nothing we can do about it. ‘Finding yourself’ is essentially the name we give to the ultimate test and competition; survival. A person can test themselves against the current society (as expressed within the article), against other societies (i.e. traveling the world and experiencing other cultures), or against nature (going out into the wild). ‘Finding yourself’ is all about finding out how far you can push yourself as a man. It is about finding the edge of what you can be pushed to and still trying to move forward. In that sense, yes a person can indeed consciously decide to test their limits against the world. In a greater sense, however, finding yourself is the lifelong process of actually living and taking advantage of the life that is being lived. Pretty much finding out what you’re made of is always a worthy pursuit, but you don’t find that playing Halo 3. You find that by taking on the responsibility of living and then pushing straight through to the end.
What’s with the knee-jerk consensus that playing video games is more counterproductive to finding oneself than any other competitive activity? Video games have rules, set goals and require effort. Leading an 8-human squad of players in a game like Halo 3 is logistically similar to being the coach or captain in a team sport game. Professional gamers must hone a skill-set over hours of disciplined practice to compete at the highest (and most well-paying) levels.
Getting married and starting a family in order to find yourself is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard of.
Just because you lack the fortitude to do REAL soul searching does not mean that you need to bring other people into your problems. Finding yourself is not a crock, using that as an excuse to be a worthless slob is.
I’ll have to agree and disagree with this post. Caligula’s appointing of consul wasn’t insanity but brilliance. the romans were complaining about his way of ruling and wanted a consul to deter him from making any rash decision. To avoid any determent he made his horse his consul because he wouldn’t object. But yes overall he was quite insane.
Now as for “finding yourself” I do believe that many dole it out as an excuse for their lack of motivation. However I also believe that some people legitimately need and want to learn who they are. I also disagree with taking on responsibilities in the search for yourself. You might just find out you’re not the person who can live up to these commitments and responsibilities. You should be fully aware of who you are and the type of man you are before taking on the tasks mentioned above. while I respect your opinion I disagree wtih it.
There is one thing for me to note – as far as i know Calligula was doing fine until not that he cracked from pressure, but i read that he had some kind of illness ,maybe meningitis, and after he went insane. Otherwise i agree with the post
This post, while making a few valid points about the sense of responsibility behind being a Man, definitely glosses over the idea of “finding oneself” a bit too quickly.
I’ll admit, per the author, that today’s society caters to perpetuating childhood and an utter lack of personal responsibility and the author’s suggestions have some merit, but are given almost as solutions rather than options.
By the time I was 22 I was just beginning to learn that *I* actually mattered in my own life. It’s cliche to blame one’s parents but that doesn’t change the fact that I was reared by two people who had NO business ever having children, two people who were both incredibly selfish. It certainly doesn’t change the fact that I grew up in a hostile, unstable environment.
Am I an exception rather than the rule? In all likelihood I am; but that also doesn’t change the fact that the “rule of thumb” in this case is rather a weak rule in modern Western society, a place where sites like this provide a bit of hope rather than being merely whimsical. Think about it: WHY would a site devoted to sharing guidelines to being a Man even be necessary? Frankly, because a couple of generations of parents have dropped the ball horribly and a couple of generations of kids have reaped the damages inherent in that failure.
As for me, it took getting out in the world, trying a few things, taking a few hard knocks, garnering a whole heap of disappointments along the way to begin waking the boy up and allowing him to finally flourish and become a man.
I won’t totally decry the original post but I can’t totally support it either, because it’s too short-sighted. While admirable to suggest otherwise, very, very few of us become MEN on our own; there were, are and always will be others to guide us along the way. Pulling oneself up entirely by one’s own bootstraps is rather more difficult and rather more RARE than some manly-men may lead us to believe.
To buy into society’s nonsensical view that we may remain perpetually immature is doltish; but to totally disdain any potential lesson that view may hold is just as silly. Or, in the words of James Thurber, “You may as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.”
I basically stopped agreeing with this post after the ‘finding yourself just happens’
the whole ‘get married, settle down, have kids = man’ (as stated by posters above me) is all well and good for some people, but not everyone wants that.
I just found this site recently and the articles are generally interesting and informative.
This one… not so much.
Hah, dont tell me you dont play video games 7 hours a day, get smashed every weekend and get laid whenever you can. Not fooling anyone.
I’m 36, and I am FULLY COMMITTED to being single, childless, and working part time. Nothing will ever sway me. So does that make me a man now? Or since I’d rather be an uncle, have a variety of women, and spend spend less time ’selling’ my time, does that make me a cad? Subjecting yourself to being someone else’s bitch (employee, husband, PFC) implies lack of options, not an embrace of commitment. I love my life, and I’ve never needed a reason to ‘find myself’. I’ve always known who I am, and if that’s not congruent with some arbitrary definition of ‘manhood’, then kiss my ass.
I enjoyed this post. I do beleive your right about most of it. However i do not beleive that marriage and family are a good way to “find yourself”. If you are not happy alone, you will never be happy with someone else. You will end up divorced and with weekend visitation.
I think one of the biggest problems with society is people rush into family and marriage.
here you go kid
Ok…wow, I see why so many great, beautiful, successful woman are single. All you men do is bitch and whine about how you want to live for the moment and how commitment and societies expectations are bullshit and not for you.
GROW UP, embrace what life has to offer, it’s not waiting around for the girl that fits YOUR schedule, or working a part time job and having roommates…losers…lol. I can’t believe that most of you “boys” think that you already know yourselves..it really doesn’t work that way unless you were raised as a very aware, compassionate individual. Please stay single for our sakes, we don’t need to have a child as a partner.
Brett,
Holy crapsticks, your website is generating an incredible amount of traffic and dialogue/controversy! Just goes to show you that men are hungry to figure out what being a man really is!
Keep up the good work, you will be blessed!
Interesting read and not only applicable to men…. I like the insight and agree with doing good for good’s sake and not for the bragging rights.
I completely agree!!
To the first poster, and I’m sure to countless others who felt the same way as him, I want to tell you that getting married and starting a family does not necessarily include moving to the burbs or settling for less.
My spouse and I happily live in the city, and have plenty of friends with children who also live in the city and continue to stay involved with city life. We are the new urban families! We are carless by choice, and entirely plugged in to our community. We are intentionally raising our children in the city’s diverse environment so that they can be less afraid of the unknown when they are older. We travel, explore, and continue to dream– the only difference is that we do it TOGETHER, and we have to work out the inevitable differences that arise.
I completely agree that accepting commitment and embracing responsibility is the BEST way to challenge yourself to be a better person, male or female.
wow, there are some insecure guys on here. who are you to tell someone how they should or should not live?
Finding yourself is way of saying “develop” we as humans are social animals, we can not develop properly without others around us, problem is when we grow up around those who have stopped developing. It can be very easy to fall in line with the general opinion but it can be dangerous as well. Your always going to come across someone who will tell you how to live, the trick is to seperate the truth from the bunk.
Some people will tell you what makes them happy and how you can find what works for you, without telling you how to live. Others are merely seeking a way to validate their lives, or they could actually believe the words that come out of their mouth. The point is, think very hard about what you want out of life and go for it, and when you get it, achieve something else you always wanted to but for some reason never could (if reasonable) or simply just enjoy life from that point on.
Being productive in a society is always important, how else can we perpetuate the playgrounds of development? Being a man (in response to a trend I see here) is making a choice and sticking to it and not quitting until you have achieved what you set out to do (not to mention having a plan B), its standing your ground even when you face tough choices, its losing and getting back up,its defending yourself and what you believe in, its defending your honor, family, loved ones and sometimes even your enemies, its going all the way knowing your going to lose, its winning and not gloating, its loving your enemy because some part of them is you, its having passion for something..anything,its getting hurt, its getting the shit kicked out of you, its kicking the shit out of others, its regret, its pride (very much so), its sadness, its being alone, its holding back your tears, its letting our inexperienced brothers fall even though we want to help them but helping all the time wont teach but most of all being a man is being able to look in the mirror and saying that you are as good as any man anywhere if not better…
@Max – I noticed that too… I just found this site yesterday and have read quite a few articles and skimmed through many of the comments. This is the first article where I’ve noticed so much negative feedback. I think some people take the advice a little too literally. Many religions include some tradition of celibacy, for example, and being Catholic I personally know some manly monks and priests (and a lot who aren’t so manly, but I chalk them to the cultural problem that this site is addressing). At any rate, I believe the vast majority of us are made for and called to marriage, so I wouldn’t change the advice to suit the few exceptions. This article strikes a bit of a nerve in me, but instead of excusing myself, I’d rather man up and take the advice/warning seriously.
I TOTALLY agree with your post. After 41 yrs. of marriage, my father-in-law decided that he needed to “find himself” thanks to an over-zealous diagnosis from a shrink. My mother-in-law has been in pieces ever since. Since leaving, my father-in-law has racked up $50K in credit card debt, told my mother-in-law that they need to sell their home in order to “get out of debt”, wants a divorce, and promises that he will eventually remarry her. What a crock!
If you need to “find yourself”, look in the mirror! Realize that you can’t live a successful life by being self-centered. Thinking of others before you make a decision is a step of the process. Otherwise, you will find yourself a very lonely person in the end.
you hit the nail on the head…my home, my life, my love…ALL destroyed over the BS that society is calling ‘finding oneself’…money exchanging hands for ‘the best advice and help’ isn’t worth the $ spent….it destroys the things that are PRICELESS including and not limited YOURSELF. Great post, hope you bring more to light!!
The first poster is looking at the issue from the wrong side. I think his views are of the all-too-prevalent persuasion of young people today to believe that life is storybook, that if something dramatic, romantic, or extraordinary doesn’t happen in their lives, then they have just settled for less. In my opinion, there’s few things more romantic than putting yourself aside to care and provide for a wife, or as extraordinary as birthing and raising a child. Travelling and working on your art doesn’t benefit anyone, least of all you.
Ok i believe this poster is has the right idea. He obviously knows what it is like to be down in the dumps. AND ITS TRUE if you are 22 and still being LAZY and living with your parents then there is something clearly wrong with you. He is clearly just saying that “hey i did these things and look my life turned out to be meaningful.” He’s not saying go get married and having kids. He means look for a future and make a difference instead of sitting around all day with a part-time job or no job at all. If you think “hey i have enough money having a part-time job is good cause i’m A. already have too much money (which you can’t) or B. I’m just too lazy to work full time.” He is not forcing you. He is trying to help out his fellow men cause he knows how it feels to be down low. He is merely suggesting the values of life and how you can obtain them. And most of those ideas are good. Hey have a few kids start a family not be lonely. Or get a roommate and a full time paying job. The point is to not be some lazy asshole when clearly others would kill to have your freedoms. You can joke all you want but in the end you didn’t make a difference in the world unless you put effort yourself, your life, others around you, and your community. Small things help and only you can save yourself and others from an embarrassing, hopeless, empty life.
Ok i believe this poster is has the right idea. He obviously knows what it is like to be down in the dumps. AND ITS TRUE if you are 22 and still being LAZY and living with your parents then there is something clearly wrong with you. He is clearly just saying that “hey i did these things and look my life turned out to be meaningful.” He’s not saying go get married and having kids. He means look for a future and make a difference instead of sitting around all day with a part-time job or no job at all. If you think “hey i have enough money having a part-time job is good cause i’m A. already have too much money (which you can’t) or B. I’m just too lazy to work full time.” He is not forcing you. He is trying to help out his fellow men cause he knows how it feels to be down low. He is merely suggesting the values of life and how you can obtain them. And most of those ideas are good. Hey have a few kids start a family not be lonely. Or get a roommate and a full time paying job. The point is to not be some lazy asshole when clearly others would kill to have your freedoms. You can joke all you want but in the end you didn’t make a difference in the world unless you put effort in yourself, your life, others around you, and your community. Small things help and only you can save yourself and others from an embarrassing, hopeless, empty life.
I love it! The author has broken the shackles of political correctness prevelant in todays Oprah minded psycobabble driven culture. Lets face it, finding yourself is todays acceptable way of not being willing to attack life head on. Dont confuse this, as some posters seem to be doing, with sowing your wild oats or experiencing life and adventure in a responsible way when young. I believe it is necessary to the developement of a man. In fact I believe it makes a better man to have done these things so as not to think he missed out on something when he gets older. However, way too many people are using the “I’m finding myself” excuse as a scape goat for not wanting to do the hard work associated with commitment, responsibility and honesty. Good article!
I have Spoken!
Yeah! I (arbitrary personal example) when I was 20 and I (arbitrary outcome completely incapable of being expanded to larger population), therefore (ad hoc conclusion involving personal and idiosyncratic definitions of “man”, “self”, and “contentment”)! Anyone who believes otherwise is (proponent of conformity/a baby/an embodiment of societal forces I dislike).
You do realize that there are no persuasive arguments anywhere in here, right? Article and comments from both sides included. You’re placing moralistic concepts on top of what is simply a biological imperative. You have no concept of how your own upbringing and culture have influenced your idea of what a “legitimate” man is or isn’t. There is no logic in these grand statements.
You are nothing more than a collection of chemical and, beneath that, atomic processes. You are no different, in the long run, than apes or birds or dogs or rats. Everything you know and love will disintegrate into nothingness and will fade forever from all memory in nothing less than a blink of the universal eye. Your life is meaningless.
That’s what you get when you “know thyself,” not whether you should get married or not. Just go outside and enjoy the day, already.
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