14 Ways To Affair Proof Your Marriage
March 13, 2008
Photo by HarveNYC
This week New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was forced to confess his involvement in a prostitution ring. The story has been all over the media and many blogs have done posts compiling lists of other prominent men’s fall from grace. But some of the most important questions aren’t being asked. Mainly, how does this happen, especially to a man who has spent his life crusading against corruption? And how can other men avoid falling into the same trap?
The Sptizer case, while certainly high profile, is hardly a rarity. 25% of all American men (and some studies put the number even higher) will have extramarital affairs during their lifetime. Will you be 1 of the 4? Or will you be able to stay true?
Many people look at infidelity as if it was a natural disaster; no one could see it coming; it just inexplicably happened. Perhaps this
is because we are country that has abdicated its belief in personal responsibility. The truth is that not only can men see it coming, they can prevent it from happening as well.
It is possible to affair proof your marriage. Will it be a lot of work? Yes. But that’s what you signed up for when you decided to marry your sweetheart.
What is cheating?
Before we begin our discussion on how to immunize your marriage against infidelity, we should establish what constitutes cheating. Having sex with another woman other than your wife is obviously cheating. But it’s also possible to be unfaithful without having to go that far. Infidelity has shades of gray that should likewise be avoided. It is possible to be emotionally unfaithful without crossing any physical boundaries. A perfect example of this is online infidelity. More and more married men are having online romantic and sometimes sexual relationships with women other than their wife. While there’s no physical contact, I would definitely say this is cheating. Men who “date” online are violating a trust that their wife has put in them to be faithful-both body and mind.
Now let’s get down to business. Here are 14 ways to affair proof your marriage:
Make your Marriage Your #1 Priority
This past summer my wife and I spent a week in Montpelier, Vermont. If you were to picture the ideal small American town, Montpelier would be it. It’s an absolutely charming place. One of the town’s tourist brochures carried the tagline: “Places like this don’t just happen.” The citizens of Montpelier have put in a lot of work to maintain the town’s magic.
Similarly, successful marriages don’t just happen. You have to be willing to put in the effort. This is especially true as couples get busier with careers, kids, or community activities. Those things are important, but if you want a strong marriage, your wife must come first.
Keep dating your wife. We’ve written about this before, but it deserves repeating. Establish a weekly “date night” with your wife and treat this time as sacred. Your dates don’t have to be fancy, but you do need to work to keep them fresh. A recent study showed that injecting novelty into your dates can bring back the butterflies you experienced when you were first courting. So visit a new restaurant, try a new hobby, or take a class together.
Quit the porn. Bringing porn into a relationship is not healthy. It’s like bringing another woman into your marriage, except she’s glossy and airbrushed. Porn will only create an unrealistic expectation in your mind about your spouse’s libido, body, and comfort level with weird sex positions. Pretty soon you’ll find that your wife isn’t satisfying you and your eyes will start to wander. Dump the porn.
Focus on being romantic. Any woman will tell you it doesn’t take much to be romantic. A romantic letter or email only takes a few minutes to write. Flowers are always welcome, even if you picked them up from the grocery store on the way home. These small gestures show your wife that you’ve thought of her and help you reinforce your commitment to your wife.
Initiate affection. Studies show that couples who are affectionate with each other stay together. Make an effort to initiate spontaneous affection with your wife. Give her a hug or surprise kiss and tell her how much you love her. Hold hands with her when you’re out together. Also, don’t make your wife cuddle-rape you. Invite cuddling with her without making it a precursor to sex. These small gestures will help strengthen the physical connection that every relationship needs.
Have sex regularly. Many men stray because they’ve gotten bored with their sex life with their wife. It’s pretty easy to get into a slump in your sex life when you’re married. Things just get busy and by the end of the day, couples are just too tired for it. Make sex with your wife a priority. It doesn’t have to involve kama sutra and edible underwear. Just do it. Frequent sexual encounters with your wife will strengthen your emotional and physical attraction to her.
Spend time just talking. Find some time each day to have meaningful conversations with your wife. If you have kiddos, do it after you put them in bed. Talk about what you did during the day. Discuss what you’ve been thinking about lately. Share your dreams with them. The idea is to deepen the bond between to you and your wife. It’s harder to cheat on her when you’ve made such an emotional investment. Deposit into this investment by frequently engaging in meaningful conversations.
Share a common interest. A big reason men stray from their wives is that they begin to find less and less in common with them. When you first started dating, you probably had everything in common. Well, at least you thought you did. So you would spend lots of time together doing things you both enjoyed. Then you got married and started working and your wife either started working too or stayed home to take care of the kids. Pretty soon there begins to be much fewer areas in which your lives overlap.
Avoid this by maintaining a common interest or hobby with your wife. For example, my in-laws do ballroom dancing lessons. Every weekend they’re out dancing. When they’re at home in the evenings they practice in the living room. My wife and I have made it a goal run in a 5K and we’ve started to run together. We also have this blog that we do together. Just find something that both of you can enjoy and participate in it together.
Have a sense of honor and duty. Remember that when you got married you made a sacred promise or vow that you would be faithful to your wife. There was a time when a gentleman was judged on whether or not he was a man of his word. Sadly, people today don’t take those sorts of things seriously. Many people feel justified in breaking their promises when something stops being easy and pleasurable. Buck the trend. Be a man of your word. The honorable thing is to fulfill the duty to your wife that you freely took upon yourself the day you got married. I know some will say, “You shouldn’t stay in a terrible marriage just to avoid breaking your vows.” Perhaps not, but you do have the duty to do everything you can to save that marriage before calling it quits. And I mean everything.
Establish boundaries
Many men feel they are manly enough to handle any situation with a woman. For them, setting firm boundaries reeks of weakness or unnecessary zealotry. But that is what every man thinks right before they take it too far. Far better to be safe than sorry. If people think you are a prude, so be it. You are prude going home to the love of your life each night with a head held high.
In your quest to avoid temptation, it should be understood that there’s nothing wrong with having friendships with other women. In fact, it’s inevitable. You probably work closely with other women at work or school. The key is to know where to draw the line and then to stay as far away from it as possible. This will require you to do some serious introspection and figure out what your boundaries are. Here some things you can do to help you in that process.
Establish boundaries with your wife. Sit down with your wife and find out what she’s comfortable with in regards to your relationships with other women and vice versa. It will be different with each couple. For example, you might make it rule that neither of you will drive or ride alone in a car (unless absolutely necessary) or dance with a member of the opposite sex.
Evaluate your vulnerabilities. Sit down with your wife and evaluate your vulnerabilities. Many people don’t realize that they may have personality traits that open themselves up for infidelity. These traits don’t have to be bad either. For example, you might naturally be an empathetic listener. There’s nothing wrong with that, but some women may take this attention the wrong way.
How do you know if you’ve crossed the line between friendship and something more?
There are three signs that indicate that you may have crossed the line into infidelity:
1) Emotional intimacy
Do you find yourself sharing more of your feelings and thoughts with your female friend than with your wife?
2) Sexual tension
You instinctively know when it is present. Huge red flag. Don’t rationalize it away.
3) Secrecy
Do you close your email window when you wife walks by? Do you leave out details of your day because they include encounters with your friend? The minute you fudge anything about your relationship with your female friend, you’ve stepped over the line.
If you see any of these signs, it’s time to re-evaluate your friendship with that other woman. You may need be broaden your boundaries in order to avoid any temptation in the future.
Avoid temptation
Meet in groups, if possible. If you know you can’t handle situations of being alone with another woman without it crossing the line, avoid being alone with another woman.
Avoid frequent conversations about your personal life. Many an affair begins when people start talking about their problems with another woman besides their wife. They feel like the other person understands them better than their wife. They feel a closer connection with them, so they start spending more time with them. If not checked, it may eventually lead to infidelity. Not always, but why risk it?
Stay away from online dating sites. A recent study shows that a large percentage of men who surf online dating sites are married. Virtual affairs are still affairs.
It’s harder to cheat on your wife than stay faithful
Think about the consequences. It’s actually much harder to cheat on your wife than it is to be faithful to her. When you’re unfaithful, you have to start sneaking around, hiding phone calls, and lying. That’s a lot of damn work. While being in a committed relationship takes a lot of work too, it pales in comparison to the rigamarole you’ll have to go through to have those few moments of excitement with another woman.
Another way cheating makes your life harder is having to deal with the consequences when you’re finally caught. Imagine having to face your children and tell them you haven’t been completely faithful to their mother. Imagine the look of hurt and sadness you’ll see in the eyes of the woman you told you would love forever. If that doesn’t make your stomach sink a bit, you’re a giant douchebag.
Conclusion
Making your marriage affair proof requires a large investment of time and emotional capital. But the investment is well worth it. Set high standards for your marriage and for yourself. Man up and you’ll never stray.
I could not agree more with this post, kudos to you for writing this. Governor Spitzer’s moral shortcomings should serve as a reminder to us all how important it is to step up and care for our marriages, and to cut out any sort of behavior that could jeopardize them. This post inspires me to continue to try my best to honor my wife and my marriage, which is truly the manly thing to do. God bless you for this post, I hope it gets a lot of reads.
I’d like to add to this that if you can’t be man enough to treat your wife with enough respect to not be a dick, then at least be man enough to leave before putting her through the hell of finding you cheating.
At the end of the day, you can’t be blamed for losing interest; this happens all the time and can be difficult to avoid, but you’re better off being honest and admitting it, and talking to your wife about it. Even if the end result is that you split up, at least you’re not deluding each other.
And if you’re too pathetic to admit to yourself and your wife that you’re no longer happy in your relationship and need to go and sneak around behind her back, I suggest imagining how you would feel if you caught her in bed with another man before breaking her trust.
I’ve just read this excelente articule and I’d like to share it with my fellows here back in Brazil.
To do so I’d like to ask for your permission to translate it into Portuguese so more people around here are able to understand it.
Of course if you aloow me to do that, a proper hyperlink will be appointed to artofmanliness.com
Please let me know if you agreed.
Kind Regards
I would add, keep your closest friendships SAME SEX. Friendships by design mean that you are intimate in what you share with someone. Women demand emotional intimacy from all their friends, men and women both.
Start on a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and you are opening the door, especially when your marriage starts to have problems.
Bravo!
thank you for writing this post, i have already subscribed to your blog but if i hadn’t, i would right now.
I’m absolutely excited that someone is talking about being a real man, especially when relationships are concerned. Society has got it all wrong. I was raised primarily by my mother and sisters and am grateful for it everyday. Respect for women is a sign of manliness. and the ultimate respect for a woman is when you make her your wife and treat her as so.
thanks again, and i LOVE this blog.
-Brian
Except for the porn bit, which is ridiculous and a total stereotype (My wife and I enjoy porn together quite often, and completely writing it off like you have doesn’t apply to everyone), this article is spot on and very informative. Here’s to ten years with you next month, sweetie.
@Jeremy-
I will concede that not all couples find porn destructive to their marriage, especially when they view it together. I was aiming more at men who look at porn apart from their wife, and use it as an easy way to get off, without having to deal with pleasing their wife and the work that goes into having sex.
Also, while the idea that porn is bad may not apply to everybody, I do think it is one of those areas where it is better to be safe than sorry. Not every man will get addicted and start indulging in it to the detriment of their relationship with their wife. But I have known enough cases in which this indeed happened that I think it it better to swear it off than tempt fate. It is another one of those areas where a man must be honest with himself in knowing his boundaries.
@ Kevan- Thanks for the kind words!
@ Peterrabbid- I think you make a good point. Sometimes marriages don’t workout. When they don’t, the only honorable thing to do would be honest with your wife. Cheating should not be an option.
@ Hayden- I think that’s a good point, too. I think many men have a hard time keep close friendships with women just friendships. I’ve heard of several instances where men start having marital problems, start confiding it to their best female friend, and WHAMO! guy’s in bed with his friend.
@Brian- Thanks for the kind words. We agree that a true sign of a man is the way they respect and treat women. We hope to see you around here more often.
AWWW how sweet but look at these numbers:
Studies from PlayBoy magazine.
1. 2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men admit they have sexual thoughts about co-workers.
2. 86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex.
3. 75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with.
4. “Most experts do consider the ‘educated guess’ that at the present time some 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become extramaritally involved by the age of 40 to be a relatively sound and reasonable one.” According to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, first published in 1989 by Newmarket Press (third edition published 2003).
5. Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it’s unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it’s unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives.”
NOW for the “banger”:
Note that the above adultry statistics of the prevalence of affairs were made more than a decade ago; so based on changes in society during the intervening years, the current percentage of the population who have had affairs is probably somewhat HIGHER. For instance, the continuing increase of women in the workplace and the increase of women having affairs on the Internet means that the numbers for women having affairs is probably similar to those for men—about 60%.
So with all that extracted info at your disposal, I say this; as much as I enjoy reading your blog, I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one. None of those things you listed will work. It’s no such thing as “affair proofing” your marriage. Even if you don’t cheat( which actually means you haven’t cheated YET), your wife probably has or is cheating. This is true in 80% of marriages.
Awesome post! Helpful indeed.
@A-F-R-I-C-A-N- I think that Playboy mag statistics are a little liberal considering the people they interview. 80% pshhh.
Another fantastic article from the AoM chaps, to date it’s the only blog I’ve subscribed to.
I think this article made some very valid points of what constitutes infidelity, all of which I wholeheartedly agree with.
What I’m curious about though is people’s opinion of an “infidelity threshold”. While this article discusses marital situations I firmly believe that these principles should be applied from the very start of a relationship. A weight on my mind however is: Say you’re a man making his way in the dating world and there are two (or perhaps more if you’re particularly lucky) women with which you have developed a connection; at what point in proceedings are you being unfair to the lady in not disclosing the fact that you’re courting another?
Personally I find this a difficult question. For me an absolute boundry is love making, should that happen then all dating with other parties should cease immediately. I’m interested to hear what other folks think. Somewhat off topic perhaps, my apologies.
Take care all
A-F-R-I-C-A-N: We can’t be sure these things won’t work until we give them a try, now can we? Personally, I think they would work wonders in any marriages, even those that are already happy, and I plan to invite my husband to read them so we can discuss and implement. I don’t know if you are married, but if you are, perhaps you would want to try them as well. If you are not married, I suggest you examine what marriage means, in terms of commitment before you tie the knot. A never-say-die sense of commitment is a saving grace, as Brett eloquently stated.
anon: I am a full-discloure type of person, and it has served me well in marriage, family and friend relationships. I recommend being totally honest with everyone in your life (especially those you are considering for the position that will require more honesty than any other in your life!), if for no other reason than the one Brett, again eloquently stated: it’s easier! Lying is hard and stressful and honesty, while it may seem intimidating at first, leaved you on solid ground no matter what. I can think of nowhere I’d rather stand.
Brett: you are a genius.
@ Amy- Thanks for the kind words, but I also need to share the glory with my wonderful wife, Kate. We write the posts together. I would be a complete cad if I didn’t share the kudos with her.
@ AFRICAN- I’m cool with you disagreeing, but can you at least bring statistics from a legitimate source? It’s pretty hard to take Playboy as a reputable source for marital statistics.
But Brett is a genius, that’s true.
This blog gives me renewed faith in humanity.
So often men are just portrayed as the dumb oaf Homer Simpson/Peter Griffin stereotype. It is good to see a place where men are being challenged to be real MEN again.
Oh, and I would like to give you an accolade for speaking out against porn.
I firmly believe that porn is destroying modern man and reducing the mutual respect and friendship of the sexes to zero. It makes women soulless sex toys and it changes men into animalistic scumbags.
It stuns me when guys say that “porn is bad” is just a “ridiculous stereotype,” because I know from experience of its destructive properties. Almost every man struggles with porn. For me, it almost destroyed my life and made me so depressed and angry that I wanted to die. i felt powerless and worthless. It wasn’t until I confided in my girlfriend so she could hold me accountable that I was finally able to overcome it. And even then, I failed again and again, confessing to her, until I reached the state where I am now and I feel human again.
To say that porn is harmless is to deny the existence of true love.
It turns love into just “sex” and changes it into a mere self-serving transaction. Love is about giving; porn is about taking. It shuns responsibilty, encourages unfaithfulness, and promotes an industry that largely enslaves unfortunate girls into degrading themselves for a living.
What could be less manly than participating in that?
Next time you convince yourself that porn is fine, think about your daughter being that girl.
Wow Milo, thanks for those kind and insightful words. It is people like you who inspire us to keep the blog going and growing.
You’ll be happy to know that we have blog posts planned for 2 of the things you touched on. First, you are very right that TV and movies all portray men as clueless oafs who bumble along without a clue. We want to do a post that highlights this unfair stereotype.
More importantly, we couldn’t agree more with you on your view of porn. We actually have a post all queued up that discusses all the reasons porn is detrimental to men.
I hope you stay tuned for those and that we see you around the site often.
@AFRICAN
I assure you, if you are busy doing all the 14 things Brett & Kate listed, you won’t have the time or inclination to start an affair yourself.
And as a woman and a wife, I assure you, if you are doing all of those things for me, I’m not going to even notice another man, no matter what he may say or do, because all my thoughts, time, and energy will be directed entirely toward my wonderful husband who is busy showing me every day how loved and important I am to him! There is nothing more attractive or alluring than a man who pays attention to you and wants you.
This is a GREAT site! Thank you so much for speaking up for the real men out there!
This article should have a nice big asterisk at the top
* this article only intended for men who are married to women who are interested in keeping the attraction, thier weight down, and thier attitudes in check. If you have seen signs of laziness, poor eating and stoppage of working out, increased b!tching about unimportant things, and who have seen a total loss in sex drive in thier partners, you need not read further.
Men sacrifice everything to marry that one specual person who he intends to give his entire life to. It is for the woman to lose this dedication, not the man. Like Amy said, “There is nothing more attractive or alluring than a man who pays attention to you and wants you.” But this makes one wonder WHY the man does this? Well, it’s probably because there are things he loves about this woman: her looks, her character, humour, intelligence, and fashion, amongst others. When the woman makes the decision to stop the upkeep (ie, she starts gaining weight, becomes crass, watches more television and gossip magazines and reads fewer books, and starts dressing down more often, see generally, Brett’s line on diminished personal responsibility), what is a man to do? Keep saying the mantra “Be a man, and just deal with it.”?
I’m in accord with A-F-R-I-C-A-N in so far as none of these things will not work where there’s only one person doing the tango: it does take two, and it does take some skill on behalf of both parts: which is what this article lacks: a second side.
I’m in accord with Brett in so far as that marriages, like any relationship, takes a lot of work. I think he’s posted some decent points above, although i think the premise is laughable (that men are cheating because they fail to affair-proof thier marriage because they aren’t proactive about it: As Amy notes towards the end, if a man was doing all of these things, then she’ll never be susceptible to looking at other men. But what prevents a man from cheating even though he’s still doing all of those thigns? I think this article is best for men who think thier wives are cheating. A discord in cause in effect, I believe. In fact, I think the title itself supports this: affair proofing your marriage implies that the threat of affair comes not from within the man, but from elsewhere (the wife)).
The approach of this blog, unique and fascinating to many including myself, is to outline the essence of what it is to be a man. I think there is a better discussion on how to outline the perameters of preventing the possibility of a MAN having an affair outside his marriage, including the discussion of seeking out the perfect mate (sharing a common interest, as noted above, is a really important approach, but not the only one).
That said, i come from the perspective that men cheat when the persons they had fallen in love with begin to become unrecognizable to the man’s heart, and his mind. Being manly has little to do with living the life of the knight in shining armor encapsulated by oh so many female-centric fairytales. It is not defined by the opinions of women, but that of his fellow man. Furthermore, being manly has some common ground with being a gentleman, but they are not the same. Nor does manliness have common ground with fleeting adolescent interests. I think it’s really diffcult to pin down what manliness is about, however I think this website has done a fantastic job of doing it. However, this article I think falls short of the standards that have been set here.
JD-
While your approach is harsh, you are right that marriage is a two way street. This site is for men and thus the content is focused on things related to men. Therefore the tips in this post are directed at things men can do to keep their marriage on solid ground. Obviously, a man cannot be making this kind of effort alone. The woman must also be committed to taking the same kind of actions. But, again, since this blog is directed at men, we presented the things that a man could do. If we wanted to present both sides, then we would start having posts about shaving one’s legs, applying make-up, and female fashion. But I am not sure that the readers of the Art of Manliness would go for that.
I agree that my approach is harsh; it goes against the grain of both pussified American male construct (the one we see often in television, see: Everyone Loves Raymond, Ed, etc…), and that of the impervious masculine identity where man can do no wrong (the one we rarely see on the tube, but which both men and women see in the workplace, particularly in high-power fields, such as politics and money, and one that i think Spitzer fell into). It demands men to think and engage in a way that is a postponement of immediate benefits, giving consideration to all consequences, and weighing the potential and probable benefits.
It’s certainly not necessary to demand men to know the object of leg shaving, mascara application, or female fashion (though the last does, in fact, help in relating to females and building social value in general). Even if men were interested in those things, it would still not help them down the road of marriage, because a man should not be expected to put on his wife’s makeup, dress herself nicely, and so forth. For a man to keep HIMSELF from straying, requires a commitment different than that of doing what you’ve suggested above: it requires a strong commitment to mate selection, and this, i’m sure you’ll agree, is of great interest to readers.
A man should first decide if he even wants marriage in his life. A man does not take marriage as a given in his life, he does not accept the pressure of his community, his religion, or his friends: it must be a well-thought out process. Thinking is required. Many youths today assume that the next step after high school is go directly to college. But this takes for granted that this is in thier best intersts: and like this analogy, so too should men make this decision regarding thier own lives. There’s a growing number of males in this country who are boycotting marriage in general: if this is the decision you’ve made, then so be it, and you need not read further.
If you have decided that marriage is what you want to experience in your lifetime, then you’ve mastered one of the biggest questions you’ll ever face, save only to the follow-up question of “who?”.
To make a few jumps in my train of thought,….if you can answer ‘who’ AND find that woman, then you have constructed a mighty affair-proof barrier in your marriage already….one that won’t need to be re-sealed down the road.
I know this sounds obvious; but i think you can agree that even some of the most blatantly obvious things are ignored nowadays. I just had an acquaintance of mine end a 4 year relationship (plus engagement) because he realized how dissonant thier values were. Similarly, a very close friend of mine who was dating a girl for three months just broke up because “i didn’t rely on my gut instinct….I thought she would change”.
The heart of what I’ve been getting at is this: Affair-proofing your marriage begins even before you’ve met your future wife. The solid foundation begins with a string of questions and an insistency to not sacrifice those answers.
Reconciling my points, I want to explain that, indeed it does take two to tango, and both spouses should be held to keeping the attraction. But, a man can benefit from finding a woman who puts a high value on her nutrition and her shape. Or, one who spends lots of time reading scientific journals or is employed in an intellectual occupation (science, math, law, psych….). A man who enjoys heady and intellectually-stimulating conversations is not going to pair well with a kindergarten teacher, no matter how attractive she is, no matter how big her trust fund is, no matter how fashionably she dresses. A man who gets involved with a genius of a woman who doesn’t ever work-out would not be suprised if she started gaining weight down the road: a visual turn-off that, despite the joy he gains from discussing ideas, hypotheticals, and possibilities, is difficult to repair. I am, of course, generalizing here, but I think it does convey my point. This can be said for religion, philosophy, perhaps even politics. Type A and B personalities. and so forth.
Harsh? Absolutely! I But necessarly so.
I think we would both agree with this, Brett. But I think where my statements have gone on a tangent are where I’m addressing those who have yet married, while your article addresses those who are already married.
perhaps we could…er…marriage….these ideas.
food for thought by a dedicated reader.
I have to say that this is a great article. I’ve been a reader of this site for a few weeks now and this is one of those subjects that seems to stir up a ton of emotions.
Men out there married to a beautiful wife with a healthy sex life will accept this article with arms wide open. However, if your a guy and you’re tired of “giving” to your wife, some of this might feel like salt on a wound.
I’ve read almost all of this page and I’ve only seen kids mentioned once or twice. Kids do amazing things to women and to marriages. I’m expecting another one this summer.
Putting your marriage first is easy for guys and fathers…it is NOT easy for moms. Men easily take a back seat to kids any and all day! If showing affection or trying to have a grown-up conversation gets in the way of interacting with the kids - forget it. The kids always come first.
Dating your wife becomes much more difficult when you have children. This is especially true if your wife works. I often get the “But I don’t get to see her much during the week…I don’t want to miss out over the weekend” line from my wife. It’s also hard to go on dates and not talk about the kids. It really takes some creative thinking to have an effective date night.
I think sharing a common interest is a great idea. It’s something that my wife and I lack and I feel it would help our marriage. I’ll take it one step further and add that it would be beneficial for your spouse to have an interest in something…other than the kids
A great article. I’ll check back to see what others have to say.
@Tyler @ Building Camelot:
Thanks for your comment! I can see how putting your marriage first can be more difficult for moms. Kids definitely have much more urgent needs than husbands. You’re right that when you have kids, you have to get creative for date nights.
Tyler-
You bring up some good points. Brett and I don’t have kids yet, but our friends who do have complained of similar difficulties in trying to have “couple time” when they have little tykes running around.
I think this is one of those situations where it does take two to tango. As you said, men seem to have an easier time wanting to make time with their wife than women do in dropping the kids to hang with their hubbies. But a woman should make that effort. The things we outlined in this post are not easy things for men to do. Many require men to overcome their natural instincts in order to do what is right. Likewise, though woman may have a greater hormonal attachment to their kids, they have to be able to temper that sometimes and put their husband first.
There was a minor brouhaha awhile ago when a woman wrote a column for the New York Times in which she said she loved her husband more than her children. While some woman criticized her for it, I think I will feel the same way (although I guess you’ll have to check back with me when my brain gets a bath in baby-induced oxytocin). I think women should put their husband first, even above their kids. And again, that will take effort. If a husband is working to keep the romance alive, than the wife should be doing likewise. Because though kids will be around for 20+ years, when they do finally leave, a husband and wife will still have perhaps 40 years alone together. How well you stay together during the child raising years will be how well you get on as empty nesters.
That NYT article I mentioned can be found here. It’s an interesting read:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
Finally, I checked out your blog. It’s great!
Great post!
While no one is immune to temptation, and I know couples who have recovered from an affair, I like your proactive stance and your practical ideas on how to bond with and enjoy your wife. It reminds me of that old story, “don’t think about yellow elephants” and then of course that’s all you can think about! I like your ideas about “focus on having pleasure and intimacy with your wife” instead of “try not to have an affair”.
Everytime a publicly known person has an affair theres a backlash of people saying “oh that’s horrible and that could never be me” along with all kinds of critical comments.
My approach is to recognize how rare and precious and valuable a sexual friendship with your spouse is and to be grateful for what you have and make every effort to cherish and protect it. It’s arrogant to say you’re bulletproof but being humble and thankful and choosing to protect and enjoy your marriage can only lead to good.
I couldn’t disagree with you more about the porn. If your wife has a problem with porn, then, of course, it will cause a riff. However, my wife has no problem with porn. I have a higher sex drive than she does, and frankly, often she is not in the mood (we still have sex very regularly). She views the porn as a substitute, for when she isn’t in the mood (or is away). As long as I’m not turning her down and viewing porn, instead, then I don’t know why there would be a problem with it. And really, watching porn is never as good as actually having sex. We do also watch porn together, on occasion.
I’ve never understood why prostitution is illegal, but porn is okay. A person getting paid to have sex is bad, but paying to watch people who were paid to have sex is okay. Lots of people say porn is great, but I’ve never really gotten over the fact that I am paying to watch two strangers get it on so I can get off. Thanks, but I’ll pass.
Wow! what an awesome write up! I think in reality these are things that we all know, but have to be reminded of them from time to time. Thanks!
Kudos! I’m filing it under favorites and will show my husband later. I plan on keeping it in case he ever slips up.
But in all seriousness, this was a great article and hit the nail on the head. Very informative and hopefully it will help with a lot of marriages. Great work Brett and Kate McKay!
There’s nothing in here about the womans role in affair proofing her man? I would think that the reason a lot of men stray is that the woman in their life is no longer filling a crucial role for him, and to say that its all on the man to appease the relationship is simply foolish.
@Jeff-
Of course the woman in a relationship has just as big a role as a man is preventing affairs. But this is a blog written for men and most of our readers are men. Thus we have here presented the man’s role in preventing affairs. The woman’s side deserves a whole post in and of itself, but it wouldn’t fit well on this blog.
After searching through many sites reading differents articles on how you can starts and make conversations with your wife………………. I found out that there is no other way you could unless you read the logic base on the sites, it has really help me in knowing what to say………….. and how to start a nice conversations with my wife…………and keeps me away from infidelity………. but i would love to know some other ways to do this so it won’t be like am doing the same thing over and over again cos am a young guy with an earlie marriage status……
great article, however I’ve already been cheated on by my girlfriend. we’ve decided to stay together. is it possible to affair proof my relationship now?
Your article ‘14 Ways To Affair Proof Your Marriage’ is a good article and advice for those couples who both are working and committed together. If one is not, then your article is useless. My wife and I have been married 43+ years, 2 fine grown children. A healthy sexual marriage begins mentally, in the head, the rest of the body just follows. The communication I hear constantly from my wife is negative and critical, pointing out what I do wrong. I know I have been a poor husband, I have admitted it, confessed this to my wife verbally and in writting and the response each time was silence. That is ok-as rotten as I have been, I don’t blame my wife. She deserves a better man than me. But good words of advice only work when both are committed to the same goal. There has been no physical contact in over 11 years except for a hug I tried to give to my wife, in a safe place-the kitchen and she acted like a teenager being hug by his mother in front of his friends-she couldn’t wait till the hug was over. I long to enjoy closeness and intimacy and I am not talking about sex but physical contact is just not in her interest. So all the articles in the world say the same thing but if both are not committed to the same goal, it will not work. I expect to go to my grave without ever again knowing and enjoying the beauty of the closeness of a woman.
@Phil collins:
Thanks for your comment. You’re right that it definitely takes two for a marriage to work. I’m sorry to hear about the problems your having with your wife. It’s a really tough and sad situation. Have you ever tried to get your wife to go to marriage counseling with you?
This is 100% right on. I’ve been married 30 years.
It’s been tough sometimes. But always worth it. I love one woman…that’s the way it should be. (Now I’m starting to sound like a country western song.) Anyway, keep up the god work, thanks. g
We have not been intiment for years and he has had 2 affairs that he published on the internet (that’s how I found out, emails from somebody who recognized him” stupid, he posted his picture). Yet, I gave him the option of divorce on numerous occassions and he didn’ t bite. Yes, we’ve had our troubles and yes we are both at fault, but I didn’t screw the people that I had encounters with. Now I wish I had and am considering this We will probably stay together for our daughter (or should I say my daugther as I am the one who makes sure she has everything) and then it will be KAPOOT. I can do almost anything for her for one and half years till she goes to college (which is the difference between us) She would be devastated to find out that we are possibly considering divorce. Unfortunately, this is what I’m leaning toward, but I WILL get her by the next year one way or the other. If he leaves me now I will charge him with abandonment and sue his ASS for everything I can get. I know this is a sad case, but all said and done, I WILL SURVIVE
Affair proofing your marriage is simple. Do not get married.
I am amazed that any American men are foolish enough to risk the legal, economic, and emotional consequences of marriage in 2008, given the state of the nation’s family laws and culture. It is not fifty years ago, or even twenty years ago. Things are different now.
If someone presented me with a business proposal with an equivalent amount of risk as a modern American marriage I would kick him out of my office.
But sheep get sheared I suppose.
I like the way this article explains how an affair is not just the physical act of sex. and how being secret about a relationship with another is cheating as well. I personally have been dealing with a situation in my marriage where my husband is very popular in his life and is always talking to mostly other women. Him talking to other women would not normally be a problem, but after I found out he has been having a almost daily secret conversations with the woman next door. And the women next door has been for a while treated me badly, so badly that you could call it abuse. then later when he is in the hospital after having a stroke I am made to feel I was not wanted in the room when she came to visit him. And then even later was told by him in front of her that she had priority about being in the room over me. It makes a wife feel there is a lot more going on than what is showing on the surface or a lot more than just a friendly relationship. I have been married to my husband for three years and we have not been intimate for three years as he claims he can’t “do it” and later claimed he is not interested in “it”. As a matter of fact that is his biggest claim on why when confronted with the secret relationship that he can’t be having an affair because he can’t “do it”. But the point I have been trying to make with him for a long time is the fact it is not the “physical” part that just makes it cheating. It is how he closes his email window when you come up the stairs and how he leaves the room or waits until he is at work to to call her or receive a call from her and how he leaves out details of your his day because they include encounters with her, only later to slip up and mention something and also how I catch him in small lies to cover that he has talked to her or that he does not want me to see the phone bill as it will show how often he does talk to her and then lies to me telling me he has not talked to her in a long time. So with all that, it all makes me feel like there is a lot more going on. My husband claims I am jealous and that nothing is going on, but what I have not been able to get across to him is that is it more how he is making me feel when he continues to do this even after being told that it bothers me. And consider this one extra thought.. It is not like I have anything more than a mental relationship with my own husband as he claims he can not “do it”, so when other ladies are given too much attention by my husband or lets just say they are given more attention than I am, then is that not something to be jealous over?
It is not like I want my marriage to end and I do keep trying everyday to somehow make things better, but with this daily feeling of my marriage being violated, I am not sure where it will end up.
I am not saying that I am a perfect person, but I defiantly can say I am a loyal wife and have always made him my priority in my life.
Instead of going out and mentally or physically cheating on him I feel I am becoming a work-a-holic to stop thinking about being violated daily.
P.S. I liked the article so much that I signed him up to subscribe by e-mail. I just hope he validates it and starts reading the articles.
This article is totally gay. Go back to watching Dr. Phil and Oprah.