The Mechanics of the Man Hug
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A firm, hearty handshake is always an appropriate way for men to greet each other. But when men achieve a greater familiarity, a man hug becomes appropriate. Some men fear male on male hugging of any kind. But done in an appropriate way, men can still hug while remaining secure in their manhood. Here’s how:
Those were excellent tips. Unfortunately, not all men are well-versed in proper man hug protocol. These are the sad results:
Too much of a snuggle.
Make sure your hug will be reciprocated
Umm…. no.
As a final note, some men, especially here in America, are not quite comfortable with the fully embracing style of hugging even when done correctly. Thankfully there is a bridge between the handshake and the bear hug: the American man hug. With the American man hug comes certain protocol and procedure that men haven’t articulated, but nonetheless follow. These unspoken rules allow men to hug each other without feeling like they’re being wussy.
The How of the American Man Hug
1. Begin with a traditional firm handshake
2. Keeping your hand clasped with your buddy, wrap the left arm around the shoulder of your friend.
3. Slap your friend’s back two times. The back slap is key. Somehow hitting your fellow man makes the hug more manly.
4. Release embrace.
When to American Man Hug
Man hugging is not appropriate with every man you come in contact with. It carries with it a certain intimacy that should be reserved for close friends and family. If you were to try to man hug a new acquaintance, you would probably be greeted with stiff awkwardness. However, if you’ve developed a bond after your initial introduction, a goodbye hug may be appropriate upon parting.
Special occasions like those mentioned in the video warrant the full man hug. The American man hug is appropriate for greetings and partings
Editors note: We’ve been getting a lot of comments saying the photo of John McCain is tasteless because the man can’t lift his arms because of his injuries he sustained as a prisoner of war. First, it’s not the arm so much that makes this hug bad, it’s the fact that you can tell the timing was off and that McCain is sort of nuzzling Bush in the chest. Second, while we understand Senator McCain has limited mobility in his arms, the man can lift his arms higher than he did in the picture as seen here, here, here, and here. So, he could have given a better hug than the one in the picture.�
Asians are a little shy of hugging.
In our family, hugs are freely given during the traditional post fasting month celebration greetings.
Amongst good friends though, we follow the scipt of the video quite closely.
I love the American Man Hug! I’ve been doing it for years!
Somebody should photoshop a bed behind McCain and Bush so It’d look like they were cuddling.
You understand, of course, that McCain has problems raising his arms higher than his elbow because of the Hanoi Hilton. I am voting for Obama, but your lack of tact debases you.
Trey
@yert:
It’s not the arms that make this hug bad, it’s the fact that he’s sort of nuzzling Bush in the chest.
Not being much of a hugger myself I prefer the “side hug”. It’s more of a half-hug kind of thing than a full on squeeze.
What a juvenile post. Are American men REALLY that insecure? Oh wait; I’m an American man, and yes, they are.
Holy crap that video is hilarious! I was laughing out loud the entire time. Great post again Brett! Keep em’ coming.
loved the video…….hilarious. My partner has always been hesitant about hugging, no matter whether it is a male or female.
Me, being hispanic, am used to and look forward to a hug when I run into old friends/family.
This is hilarious. And the video finally explains why my sons pat me on the back when they hug me–they think I am a man!
The American Man Hug
“I’m huggin’ ya… but I’m hittin’ ya.”
McCain was tortured in Vietnam, can’t raise his arms about his shoulders. And I’m also an Obama voter, not a McCain supporter. Classy blog post, idiot.
Never close your eyes when you hug another man.
McCain clearly has a hard-on.
He looks like W just loved him up real good and he wants to snuggle the night away.
Sorry point out one thing. It’s 3 slaps on the back.
1- I’m 2- not 3- gay
PS please not I’m not anti-gay. I’m indifferent because it’s a non issue.
@Tom-
I already responded to that criticism.I am not making fun of McCain’s arms. I am not making fun of his stiffness. I am not sure how not being able to raise one’s arms above one’s shoulders has anything to do with the fact that McCain is nuzzling Bush’s shoulder. Also I have seen McCain raise his arms much higher than this. It’s just a really awkward hug, not a man crying out for people to defend his disability.
the handshake in the north american man hug is done to keep a clearly defined space to prevent peen bumping.
I think 3 pats is key vs any other. I believe it is a non-verbal way of saying “I’m-not-gay.”
I agree about the 3 pats thing. it should also happen relatively quickly and then followed by immediate release.
@Troy and Tom,
Also an Obama supporter here.
If a man is unable to execute the proper maneuver he should stick to a firm handshake. That said, it’s not really about the arm height that makes that such a poor hug.
1) clearly he didn’t wait for the right time and took Bush by surprise.
2) No nuzzling. If it becomes clear on approach that the hug will not be properly reciprocated you turn slightly to the left and turn it into a half shoulder hug with a firm pat on the back. Under no circumstance do you close your eyes and smile dreamily.
Just sayin
Right, the ‘phobe hug. Because God forbid our chests touching. This is masculinist bullshit. Hug according to your own standards of “propriety,” and withhold no affection from anyone who deserves it.
How different we humans are from or best friends, our dogs! They like to be petted by friendly humans and licked by other animals, but they can’t wait to escape from an affectionate hug, with or without that manly pat.
The real manly canine greeting, though, is the classical foot-hump. Don’t try this at home!
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There is the Congressional variant in which 3 pats on the back are substituted by 3 taps of the foot, usually followed by a series of really humiliating press conferences.:(
Great… Now the Aliens know how to hug. We’re just asking to be invaded. . . and hugged.
Now explain why American men leave a seat between themselves at the cinema. This cracks my European husband up to no end.
Is it true that McCain can’t raise his arms normally because he was badly beaten as a prisoner of war? If that is true then what are you saying ?
in lieu of the man hug you can clam shake – sort of a tweener move
@Dennis-
I’ve tried to be polite, but are people just not reading??? Please read the editor’s note at the bottom of the post to see that your concern has already been addressed.
Brett,
I think this could be the start of a series….next up, the controversial pat on the butt….remember, no cupping of the hand and no squeeze, obviously !
-Cameron
Emmiliscious, the reason for the empty space between guys at the theater is so they don’t have to share an armrest. Duh. And if can sneak one in, it makes a great place to put your sixpack.
The next question, however, is the hugging and (cheek) kiss of a woman not your wife. What are the rules there? I’m never very sure whether I’m drifting into dirty old manhood.. Not that I’d change, but I’d just like to know…
may all the hetersexuals see this video, and don’t be afraid of us homo’s.
the proper of back slaps is actually 3 each one represents a word it is I’m (slap) not (slap) gay(slap)
You forgot the ever so subtle separating of the man-junk. Imagine pressing your hands together, and then ever so slightly bowing your knuckles out to create a gap between your palms.
There’s a kind of anti-magnetism between the privates of the two parties in a man hug, as if our natural homophobia creates a little bubble around our twig and berries that cannot be breached by another man’s crown jewels.
I could go on, but I’m running out of ways to avoid saying “penis”.
McCain looks awkward in that photo because the Viet Cong busted up both his shoulders when they tortured him amoung other things. He can’t raise his arms much higher than shown in the photo.
LOL that last picture is real funny.
In England we embrace the manly hug (pardon the pun), but I must say that I was once caught out by a kiss from an Argentinian man, and not just one, but two infact, one for each cheek.
I’m sure it’s a manly thing to do in Argentina, as it is in contiental Europe, can’t say that I understand the mechanics though
Allow me, Brett.
Jose, read the editor’s note. It’s been said a million times already. He raises his arms to shoulder-height all the time, just not when he’s nuzzling the President.
On a side note, I’m tired of McCain’s time as a POW excusing every single thing he does. Does it explain his spending the last 20 years being a tool of the party that opposes his? Did he get Stockholm syndrome, and now he has some unconscious desire to turn traitor and sell out the people who elect him at every opportunity?
Oh, for a Presidential candidate who was worth a crap. But stop using his POW time as an excuse. It was 50 years ago. I’m sure he’s over it, and if he isn’t, then he isn’t mentally fit to serve in such a demanding job.
“Mr. McCain, I don’t think that this policy is sound. Several countries throughout history have tried it to disastrou-”
“I was a POW!”
“Oh, yes sir. We’ll pass it right away.”
A real man would downplay its significance at every chance, and his service record wouldn’t be the central theme of a leadership campaign. Go ahead and try to find a Medal of Honor winner who actually brags about his achievements. If you do find one, he’ll be the one the other guys don’t invite to the reunion.
LOL A real man hugs any damn way he wants to!
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It could be said that the man-hug is a step back into more manly times. Among the chivalrous, embracing your comrade was considered an act of friendship. Read old stories about medieval or Biblical times; the men embraced and even kissed.
Aaron kissed Moses upon first meeting him. Samuel kissed Saul while anointing him king of Israel. David and Jonathan kissed when David was forced to flee the country. (You don’t get more maly than David, either.) Paul and Peter repeatedly told their disciples to greet one another with a kiss.
I think the Victorian era is what gave us the handshake-is-the-closest-you-can-get style of greeting. I’m not about to go kiss another guy, but better men than I have been okay with it. So I’ll meet them halfway with the man-hug. = )
Americans can get away with the man hug. Here in the “land of the stiff upper lip”, only acceptable when sportsmen score…on the field!
Omigosh! Thank you so much for this post. And the movie It is the best hard laugh I have had in a long time!
1. Both of you face each other.
2. Both raise your right arm high, left arm low.
3. Approach the person on your right side. Aim to clothesline them in the throat.
4. Contact for no more than half a second.
5. Keep eyes open. Don’t look like you enjoy it too much.
6. If other person keeps hugging, remember that in this position you have leverage and can force them off.
Hugging a woman, however, should be done with both arms down. It is less threatening and won’t knock their front teeth out. Also it has the advantage that you can put your hands on their hips or waist, which is more intimate than the back.
Start with an old school ’soul’ handshake that interlocks the thumbs. Keep your joined right hands together and elevated to create a barrier between the chests. Maintaining a solid 24 inches of distance toe-to-toe, lean in with your heads well far apart left to right. Make a fist with your left hand and double-pound your hug-mate high up in the center of the back with the side of your fist that has your thumb and index finger making a plane. Make sure your reach around his body to do this. No unnecessary arm brushing and definitely no squeezing with this maneuver. Quickly remove arm, lean back away, and release handshake. That’s a popular American protocol.
I am amused by this posting.Man hugging has never been a issue, I guess that means I am comfortable with my sexuality .I love women!
Okay, so here’s a question: I’m a 21 year old male and my dad gives me a kiss on the cheek when I see him. I see him fairly often. I want to make it clear that I want to move on to the handshake/hug. Do you think I need to say something? Or next time he goes for the cheek kiss should I just go for a handshake and see if he gets it?
@Anthony-
I think I would just try to avoid it and go for the handshake. I think it would be a hard topic to bring up during conversation. “So how about them Lakers? Please stop kissing me when I see you.” It will be awkward the first couple of times you deflect the kiss, with he going in and you extending your hand, but I think he’ll get the hint.
Although it will probably hurt his feelings a bit. You might consider just resigning yourself to it. Kissing is normal in many cultures. And it’s over in a second.
All these guys need now is a little man junk with their man hugs!
This is a fantastic website and I LOVE reading the comments here.
Ha ha great article and website that I’ve just come across. Here down under in New Zealand we have the ‘Bro Hug’ usually done with mates who are Maori or Polynesian (Samoan, Tongan etc)
1) Start with a ‘Bro Shake’ – right hands clasped upright like you’re about to arm wrestle
2) Lean in so you right shoulders touch (normally while saying “Hey Bro!”)
Option: If its a good mate and a slap on the back with your left hand.
Interesting to see our top sportsman (rugby) congratulating each other with various man hugs, it certainly wasn’t the case 20 years ago! Don’t think we will pick up the patting each others backsides though…
Thanks for this article. Useful guide. I am in the two ’slaps on the back’ camp, not three. Three looks contrived, indicates that you are trying to be manly by slapping, rather than simply being manly, and slapping.
Guys,
This is the funniest Man Hug video i have ever seen! Seriously, this is just too good!
Bunch of guys in India i think perfected it with some funny take on it!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pound_hug
@Emmiliscious – Because American men are the most insecure with their masculinity, sexuality and identity. We have the Victorians, the “wild wild West” mentality and capitalism to blame for this ridiculousness. They even do this spacing apart bullshit on buses and trains (particularly black and Latino males). I don’t get it at all.
haha this is the funniest thing ive ever seen! the movie was really good! i didn’t know that guys even had that much trouble with hugging! for girls it’s really easy and natural
Interesting!
Great video. I find that all the variations mentioned in the comments fall into levels of closeness. Personally, i go with the thumb-grasp and shoulder-bump with most of my friends and reserve the man hug from the video for only the closest friends.
@Dan – the problem with the standard man2woman hug is that some men, myself included, are considerably taller than their female friends, meaning if i try your method, i have to bend way down. I personally go both arms over and sorta hug their shoulders/head. If one of my female friends decides to try for both over the top, they typically have to accept that i will straighten up during the hug, lifting them off the ground. Sometimes i will spin.
I dunno I guess I’m different. I hug my guy friends the same way I hug my female friends- 2 arms, no handshake unless the other guy initiates the handshake. The only difference is that I have to bend to hung my female friends. My take on hugging someone is different I guess. To me, its a sign of affection, respect and appreciation. By insisting upon imposing a personal boundary by keeping your right arm interlocked, to me that comes across as disrespectful. I say that because by insisting upon that boundary, you’re minimizing the significance of the emotion you want to convey and your expression of that person’s value as a friend/relative all to protect your own self-image. That’s just me. I say, if you feel something you shouldn’t have to set up a protocol for how to convey that feeling.
Wow, we in the rest of the world never realised we were doing an *American* man hug. Your ethnocentricity truly knows no bounds.
I think the so-called “American Man Hug” is instinctual. I live in India right now and I have a couple of close friends and the AMH is standard greeting procedure! (And I did NOT teach them.) The main difference is that firm handshake begins with a slap (then again, I prefer to hear my handshakes, but it’s much louder with friends, not gentlemen you are not yet acquainted with even though my hand is still placed in theirs with a bit of gusto and swagger). Even people I consider friends but not close enough, get the slap to the hand along with the firm handshake. And speaking of handshakes, even when a man has wet or sweaty hands he should still have enough confidence in his greeting to not react with a limp-wristed finger shake. I have no problems wiping my hand on my pants or shirt first just in case. I note that it usually gets an appreciative chuckle…
Anyway, the point is: “American” man-hug is probably a bit nationalistic. Even a two-armed man-hug utilizes the back-slap. It’s an essential accoutrement.
OH, and one thing to add, almost every time I have done a man-hug, there has also been a right shoulder bump.
@Russell: HAHAHA! I’m 6′8″ so I do that regularly too!
AND: Come on, people, lighten up! These aren’t “the Rules”. But seriously, though. I don’t have an 8 pack. Harley isn’t about to recruit me for their next tricked out chrome machine. I’m thin but with a noticeable beer gut (and 6′8″, it can be comical). But a man hug feels like a hug from a MAN! And when you hug a woman, you demure in a chivalrous way. And then there’s the other aspect: I don’t want a man’s body pressed against mine. Sorry. BUT, the fact is, if you hug – no matter how you do it, SOMEONE will have something to complain about……. And that goes with the territory. It’s like the handshake. Some men pull away and shake their hand with an “ow”. Some men grip harder. I enjoy that. You learn a lot from a handshake – and a hug is an extended handshake – it says “look, I don’t have a gun tucked in my back belt ready to blast, but I don’t have one in my coat pocket either.”
Remember, in the olden times – which means history before the modern age of paranoia – a man always carried some kind of weapon. If you were talking to someone and they reached into the inner breast pocket of their coat, you would have a moment. – many policeman still do. When you man hug, you know that the weapon is not ready for surprise slinging (real men wore their weapons out in the open) in a cowardly Judas-like move. Many a great man died due to such betrayals…
I find that I get along more with men that adjust their grip tighter when I grip tight. (But, a gentleman *always* lets go when he notices pain in his shakees eye.)
I did enjoy the “I guess I’m different” comment. I *know* I’m different, and I think a real man can accept the uniqueness of other men. BUT, under all that, we are still MEN. It was, for me, as I said in another comment, nearly instinctual.
@Russell: HAHAHA! I’m 6′8″ so I do that regularly too!
AND: Come on, people, lighten up! These aren’t “the Rules”. But seriously, though. I don’t have an 8 pack. Harley isn’t about to recruit me for their next tricked out chrome machine. I’m thin but with a noticeable beer gut (and 6′8″, it can be comical). But a man hug feels like a hug from a MAN! And when you hug a woman, you demure in a chivalrous way. And then there’s the other aspect: I don’t want a man’s body pressed against mine. Sorry. BUT, the fact is, if you hug – no matter how you do it, SOMEONE will have something to complain about……. And that goes with the territory. It’s like the handshake. Some men pull away and shake their hand with an “ow”. Some men grip harder. I enjoy that. You learn a lot from a handshake – and a hug is an extended handshake – it says “look, I don’t have a gun tucked in my back belt ready to blast, but I don’t have one in my coat pocket either.”
Remember, in the olden times – which means history before the modern age of paranoia – a man always carried some kind of weapon. If you were talking to someone and they reached into the inner breast pocket of their coat, you would have a moment. – many policeman still do. When you man hug, you know that the weapon is not ready for surprise slinging (real men wore their weapons out in the open) in a cowardly Judas-like move. Many a great man died due to such betrayals…
I find that I get along more with men that adjust their grip tighter when I grip tight. (But, a gentleman *always* lets go when he notices pain in his shakees eye.)
I did enjoy the “I guess I’m different” comment. I *know* I’m different, and I think a real man can accept the uniqueness of other men. BUT, under all that, we are still MEN. It was, for me, as I said in another comment, nearly instinctual.
(I should state for the record, that the problem these days re:weapons is that we suffer from a preponderance of frightened cowards that pretend to be men soley because they have muscles and hence at least some power.)
I think we are thinking waaay to much into this, what is otherwise simply a funny post that describes a lot of guys. But if we are going to take this seriously, it just shows how insecure we have raised our boys to be about their masculinity and how we have come to sexualize suff that shouldn’t be that way. Like how kids in school don’t take showers anymore (including my generation)–it’s seen I guess as this sexual thing or something, and so they just sweat and smell bad the rest of the day (I’m a teacher)
And for the slams on the Victorians, photographic and literary evidence of the period suggest that men often had very close friendships and weren’t shy in their displays of affection or somehow afraid of each other’s bodies like so many are today. Because society was so gender-segregated (outside of the home), male bonding wasn’t an issue–it was how things were done. It wasn’t until after WWII that for some reason I still have figure out, that men became more insecure about their masculinity and I guess homophobic and stopped hugging as much, etc.; perhaps the increased talk about homosexuality by then and how Freud turned it from a behavior into an identity is part of the mindset shift in how guys started to relate to one another in public. But it seems like the current younger generation of men (at least where I live) are much more affectionate w/each other than even when I grew up (in the 1980s), and they don’t seem to stess out and overthink this stuff as much.
Why would hugging a man in any fashion make you less manly? You’re still male. (and the Ummmm…no is my fave)
When I was a kid, and someone said ‘boys don’t do (whatever)’, I would reply: ‘I’m a boy. I do it. Therefore, boys do it.’ I haven’t changed my view on that…
Im a 19 year old boy fresh out of high school, and i find it very pleasing that i never actually learned to give a proper man hug but it is the most natural feeling way to do it anyhow. there are only a few friends who sometimes deserve a firmer type of embrace.