While much has been said about the way advertisers have always hawked their products to women by playing on their insecurities, men have not been immune from similar pitches. While they may worry less about crow’s feet than ladies do, there are still some things that make men feel insecure. Hoping to capitalize on these insecurities, some downright wacky products have been sold.
Here are the top 10 worst products ever made for men:
Products for Hair Loss
The telltale signs of shedding hair in the sink can worry even the most self-assured of men. Companies have long recognized this and marketed hundreds of different products to stop, slow, or cover thinning hair. From hair plugs to toupees, none of them truly achieved the desired effect. Here are some of the worst hair loss products ever invented:
Hair in an Aerosol Can
The “spray” from this can is actually made of tiny fibers that stick to your head and hair. Just spray it all over and-poof!-thinning hair is thick and full and bald spots are gone.
The idea behind the spray is to help insecure balding men feel more confident. But can there be anything more confidence-sapping than having to worry that a spontaneous swim, rainstorm, or excessive sweating will melt your hair off?
Crosely Xervac Head Vacuum
This large device (which you could rent for home use) operated on the principle that sucking more blood into your scalp area would make hair grow healthy and strong and prevent it from falling out. A hose attached to a skull cap surrounded your head with suction power. This reminds me of Garth using the Suck-Cut on Wayne’s World. “It’s sucking my will to live, man!”
Chest Hair Toupee
While some men shave or laser their chest to achieve a smooth, hairless look, other, naturally smooth chested men, pine for a manly carpet of chair. For these men, the chest hair toupee was invented. Available in black, brown, or gray, these chest pieces are made of real human hair. How do you even apply this thing? Glue? Tape? At any rate it is perfect for its target audience: middle-age men who like to wear halfway unbuttoned Hawaiian shirts and yet are lacking the tuft of hair sticking out that is necessary to complement their gold chain necklaces.
Products for the Prostate
Another area in which many men feel insecure is their sexual prowess. Some of the wackiest inventions ever made were designed to help the male libido.
The Prostate Warmer
Invented in 1918, this device promised to “stimulate the abdominal brain!” (I am not sure what that is, although men have long been accused of thinking with it). The device consisted of a 4.25 inch probe which was plugged into the wall and then inserted into the rectum. When plugged in, a blue light bulb lit up to tell you it was working to restore your manly vitality. Brings new meaning to the phrase “blue light special.”
Radioactive Jockstrap
Radioactive materials were once thought to impart healing and vitalizing powers to people. Radium was infused into drinking water, baths, and even suppositories. Perhaps the scariest way it was administered was through a radioactive jockstrap for men. ”Weak Discouraged Men!” one advertisement proclaimed. ”Now Bubble Over with Joyous Vitality Through the Use of Glands and Radium.” Joyous Vitality�..and glow in the dark junk.
Recto Rotor
This dilator promised to cure “piles, constipation, and prostrate problems.” It was designed to break up, your, um, “piles” and to lubricate the rectum. The tip had holes in it through which ointment could be released. How it was supposed to cure your prostate problems can only be imagined. But with a motto like “large enough to be efficient, small enough for anyone over 15 years old,” how could you go wrong?
Heidelberg Electric Belt
In the early 1900’s many people believed they were suffering from “neurasthenia,” a disease cause by modernization and over-stimulation. This “sickness” produced a wide variety of symptoms from depression to impotency to fatigue. The Heidelberg electric belt, touted as a cure, sent electricity to your genitals and promised to restore your vitality and strength. Ouch.
Anti-Self Pollution Devices
During the 1800’s and early 1900’s, extreme measures were recommended to control the sexual libido of young men. Several devices were invented to prevent men from masturbating. Here at the Art of Manliness we support self-discipline and harnessing the male libido, but genital mutilation is definitely not the way to do it.
Spike lined ring
This device was aimed not only at preventing masturbation, but nocturnal emissions as well. Young men would tie this ring of death around their member, and whenever they became aroused, the spikes would sink into their flesh, causing excruciating pain.
Spermatic Truss
The spermatic truss, patented in 1876, was designed to make erections impossible by binding the genitalia down. 21 years later, the designer changed the truss a bit, making erections possible. The only downside? An erection would now drive the genitalia against painful spikes.
The Timely Warning
Invented by Frank Orth in 1893, The Timely Warning was a penis cooling apparatus designed to prevent wet dreams. A man would attach the device to his penis before he went to bed. When an erection occurred during the night, levers opened to allow cold water to flow through tubes around the genitalia. This cooled “the organ of generation, so that the erection subsides and no discharge occurs.” Basically, it was like taking a cold shower, but without the shower.
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{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
Spikes into your junk to prevent erections. That’s hard to beat…no um…nevermind.
That spiked penis ring looks like fun
Good job! I had never until today seen or heard of any of these “products”. I think the worst case of insecurity as well as dementia are the only reasons why anyone would “invent” and use these “products”.
I do not at all buy the supposed medical application for the Recto Rotor. It’s clearly for recreational use.
Interesting how prudes in America worked so hard to prevent erections and nocturnal emissions.
Even the method of circumcision was modified to remove a lot more skin in hopes that it would make it too uncomfortuable to mastrubate later on in life.
Christianity’s contribution to the world.
Dude!! ! I need a headvac!
WOW — it’s so good to be a woman !!!
@Carol-
Tis true. But there are a lot of wacky products out there for women as well. Behold the “Foot Operated Breast Enlarger Pump.” http://www.museumofquackery.com/devices/benlarge.htm
Awesome! This reminds me of a section of ‘The Book with No Title’… a book from the 1800s that warned young men not to masturbate… or they’d probably die.
It’s amazing how wrong those misconceptions about sexuality were.
The anti-mastubation views were popular in the 1800s and right up to the mid 1900s – it was widely accepted that mastubation or ‘nocternal emission’ caused dystrophy, blindness, weakening of immunity, insanity and paralysis. It was a view promoted by Kelloggs (Better known for inventing a new corn-based breakfast cereal), the inventor of some of the anti-mastubation tools and promotor of all others – he was a most dedicated crusader against the dangers of mastubation, and particually important in returning circumcision (Previously very rare in the US) to commonplace by promoting it as a preventative measure – circumcise your child and it would become more difficult for them to mastubate, thus protecting them from all the above-listed illnesses. What loving parent could turn that down? While Kelloggs was one of the most enthusiastic, the mastubation-causes-illness story was perpetuated by just about every doctor – in large part because no ‘respectable’ doctor would dare to investigate scientifically any matter of human sexuality until Kinsey came along – while his research methods were far from perfect, his lack of respect for taboos was key in opening human sexuality issues up to scientific investigation. These investigations later determined that almost everything known to medical science about sex in general and espicially about mastubation was wrong.
Annoyingly, even after the bad science that led to the re-introduction of circumcision was shown to be completely false, circumcision continued through force or collective habbit and cultural inertia.
Kelloggs was also a fan of morning enemas delivered by his nurse…. what a prude!
i dont get whats so weird? i own all of these and they work great!
What the hell part of sticking a 4.25″ probe up your ass and plugging it into a wall sounds like a good idea?
http://www.spymac.com/details/?2343485
My what religion has brought us over the years.
All this, and you didn’t mention “Axe Body Spray for Men” of whatever the hell it’s called. Completely missed the mark…
G-d bless America!
thats just hilarious!
especially liked the recto-rotor! maybe its the precusor to the dildo!!!
Oh, quiet Rick Cain. You don’t know what you are talking about. Hope this helps.
@ living off dividends, no, it’s the precursor to the butt plug. “Not for use by those under 15.” oh my life. Oh the lawsuits. Can’t you wait until some sophomore in high school brings one of these to class?
Someone mentioned that all these products worked great. I’m sure they work fine as designed. So does a nuclear warhead. Doesn’t mean I want to strap one to my scrotum. And apparently I could do that if I owned a Radium Jock Strap.
It is true that the first Europeans to settle in the Americas on purpose were puritans. Puritanism is a religion based on being miserable and liking it. So is it any suprise that it took 250 years before it became OK to say the word “masturbation” out loud? An activity which has nearly no use other than personal pleasure. Yea, they’d burn your wankin’ ass at the stake for that. quick as a wink. And the 14 girls in the woods they caught you watching.
“a book from the 1800s that warned young men not to masturbate… or they’d probably die.”
And just how many men who masturbated in the 1800s are alive today?
I rest my case.
“Even the method of circumcision was modified to remove a lot more skin in hopes that it would make it too uncomfortuable to mastrubate later on in life.”
Actually they never did it at all previously. That’s one hell of a custom you Yanks have there…
I have but three words: Oh. My. God.
Well, maybe a few more: that “butt plug” thingy would currently be outlawed in several states. Oh, ye, worshipers of the anti-Christ!
well all of these ads were dumb well that is what i think.o and jest so i can say something that i think was the worst thing i saw here was the 9th one with the pants
Carol is so right!!
Oh god, the spike ring…
Impressive list! Scary too….
The question that begs to be answer is: How much of this stuff actually was sold in appreciable quantities? And I gotta tell you it’s seems to me an act of desperation to stick a light bulb up you butt. Or one hell of a good sales job.
this is out of my mind. i never think this types of products.
Nice little gadgets Judaism has brought us.
From a woman’s perspective circumcision is a great contribution to human history. I would NEVER be with a man who was uncircumcised and neither would any of my girlfriends. Absolutely forget about sucking that thing! There is no comparison when it comes to appearance as well.
Uncut dicks are icky
Uncut clitorises are icky, too, girls. Let’s just cut off all of the feel-good parts like our religious ancestors intended.
i wud lik to subscribe to this wbsite.
Hey, Rick Cain.
Your circumcision comment shows how stupid you are, you must have an uncircumcised DICK for a brain: circumcision originated in Judaism, no Christianity, though many but not all Christians practice it. The Apostle Paul preached hard against it as a means of salvation.
See the book of Galations, DUMBASS!
@Love Queen –
Do you even know what “uncircumcized” means?
Clearly she does Grady.
Uncircumcized=not going to get any oral sex from me.
Really guys, I know you want to hold on to your flap, but women think its gross. Sorry.
This is an absolutely hilarious article. I can’t wait to share it with my friends.
The things people will buy still amazes me.
Thanks for making my day.
I always love it when people presume to speak for the whole of their sex/ethnicity etc… considering the fact that the majority of men around the world–and in increasing number in the US–are uncircumsized and it hasn’t seemed to lessen the population, it would seem there are plenty of women who disagree with Jane and LoveQueen.
In regards to some of these anti-masturbation/nocturnal emission devices, it would be interesting to place that movement alongside the quest for the perfect family that was bought into by much of mainline protestantism in the same period (heavily tied up with eugenics), as well as the assumption that we could improve upon everything–radium in the water, bleached flower, processed food and formula in place of breastmilk etc..
Don’t have much respect of circuncision it’s origens are in religion not science.
Chest hair toupee? I thought everyone used it. I never leave home without it.
Umm…. how is it that no one noticed that the pic of a “chest wig” is actually a picture of a merkin? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin (speaking of weird products)
P.S. What’s up with all you girls in favor of circumcision? I’m an american girl who likes foreskin. I feel bad for all the guys who got it chopped.
Actually, there are scientific reasons for circumcision. Women contract cancers from the uncircumcised at a statistically higher rate. I don’t want uterine cancer, so I wouldn’t even consider relations with an uncircumcised man. Also, a number of uncircumcised men will develop painful infectious inflammatory conditions which require circumcision as an adult. You’d really rather have it when you are newborn and won’t remember it.
Doctah Facts:
Yes, I hear about this dreaded contagious form of cancer (colloquially known as “Cancer o’the Prick”) all the time. Also, half of my wang had to be removed from an infectious inflammatory condition due to not showering for several years – o, the luck (good thing it was painfully large to begin with, ha ha).
Long live the foreskin!
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I’m a woman, and I think foreskin’s completely fine. The only time it causes problems is when men don’t take care of themselves and don’t practice good hygiene. I think it’s sad that babies have part of their penises cut off just because their fathers want them to look the same as themselves and because they are MISINFORMED and think it causes cancer/illness.
The ONLY way being uncircumcised could cause a problem is if boys aren’t taught to clean themselves regularly!
Now those are some really wild inventions. Who knew men were so concerned with their libido back then and the electric butt plug with the blue lights was hilarious.
WOW! Brilliant!!!!! Ingenious ways to sell inventions for “kinky” people! It also gives others that don’t want to admit their fetishes freedom to buy the product too. Tell them it’s for their own good and purity! Good salesmanship!
Rrrrawr!! Freaks! HA!
I think that the “hair in an aerosol can” was my favorite infomercial ever when I was a kid!
Now those are some really wild inventions. Who knew men were so concerned with their libido back then and the electric butt plug with the blue lights was hilarious.
http://www.neonsignexpress.com
Wow! The timely warning has to be my favorite! The spike ring is just torture period.
The Prostate Warmer – heheh niiiiice ) give me ONE please ;D
I would like Aerosol “Good looking Hair” very interested to try this product! Great inventions!
I find it both stupid and naive of those who blame all these inventions on only American marketers and religious zealots. Americans did not have a monopoly on lame inventions not the least of which was self mutilation and sexually restricted devices which the Europeans had been building and torturing with for centuries before and with just as much into the so called modern age. Further, do a little research and you’d know most of this crap was invented and marketed by people with little to often no religious affiliations while many were atheists. Blaming all ills on religion may be convenient but still dishonest at best, blaming all puritanical thinking all the way into the 1900s on religious fundamentalism while disregarding the original puritans who were some of the most tolerant people every recorded, but often blamed for extremism that they had nothing to do with and our national belief like in many other falsehoods often ties them to historical behaviors that had nothing to do with them just show how poorly educated and unread most of you are. Real men don’t just pass along this crap but learn for themselves. If you had you’d know the world over had many of these inventions and most of the US ones were stolen ideas from Europe and elsewhere. You’d also know that many of these treatments, trends, and fads were brought to the US from Europe. The US has always had a fascination and adoption policy of whatever was/is cool in Europe good for us or not. IF they do we have to follow. Religious quacks aside of which there are many where more about bible thumping for the most part than the inventive money making scams that were often the product of syndicates, organized crime, fake doctors, and the like.
Very interesting! Thank u from Tennis Master!
Very interesting posts and well written.
I must say this is a great article i enjoyed reading it keep the good work
Thank you so much, Great information… You keep writing and I’ll keep reading.
Uncut dicks are icky
It’s amazing how wrong those misconceptions about sexuality were. Now those are some really wild inventions. Who knew men were so concerned…
You keep writing and I’ll keep reading. I enjoyed reading it keep up the good work
It’s absolutely shocking that people would even consider the Heidelberg Electric Belt to be a good idea…
uh…very weird… is it real on the past?
If any of you have been paying attention to the news lately, while circumcision is or was originated through religion, there is proof that men who are circumcised are less likely to be infected by the aids virus. Not making this up and no it is not in reference to gays. It is part of a study that is being done in Africa. If you want to beat me up and call me stupid fine, wouldnt be the first time, and it wouldnt be the first time that person was wrong.