Cracking The Valentine’s Day Code
February 12, 2008
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from my wife, Kate McKay.
A lot of people, both men and women, think Valentine’s Day is kind of a silly holiday, designed by corporations to make you buy their stuff. Love and romance should be expressed every day, and you shouldn’t have to spend gobs of money to do it. Yet one of the burning questions men who have been in a long-term relationship face is what to give a woman who says: “I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day.”
Plenty of advice gurus will tell you that this is a trap and that a woman who says this doesn’t mean it. And plenty of men have had experiences that bear this advice out. They’ll tell you how they didn’t get anything for the lady in their life who said she didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, and how they got a cold shoulder in return. And then they’ll tell you how she then registered disappointment but tried to passively aggressively hide it.
So what is the deal? Are women a bunch of liars who like to trap and play games with their men? Well, sadly, yes, some of them do. But in the majority of cases the conflict arises from men and women interpreting “anything” differently.
When a man hears a woman say she doesn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, he hears, “I want nothing.” But this isn’t the correct interpretation. So what does it mean?
When a woman says she does not want anything for Valentine’s Day it means she does not want a giant teddy bear, magnetic teddy bears that kiss, or any manner of teddy bear. It means she doesn’t expect you to wake her up with a diamond heart shaped pendant. She does not want a fancy dinner, gourmet chocolates, or a gift certificate for a day at the spa. She doesn’t want any of the things that corporations hawk this time of year. What does she want? A love note and flowers.
But wait you say, aren’t love notes and flowers “something?” Not to a woman they aren’t. They are so rudimentary as to not constitute “anything.” For example, you may want to buy something but refrain and say “I don’t have any money.” Of course you have some money, but not enough for your something to constitute anything. A love note and flowers are minimum gestures that are expected. Like brushing your teeth or showering.
So what the woman in your life really wants when she says she wants nothing, is an acknowledgment that you love her and are thinking about her. In many cases simply a love note, sans flowers, will do. Just make sure the note says mushy things you don’t normally say and you’re golden
And remember, it’s always better to be safe than sorry. She may not want anything, but something is always better than nothing.
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kate, i agree all the way. although i do think it is in bad taste to say you want nothing unless you actually want NOTHING, i think your advice does a good job of summing up the, albeit obscured, method to womens’ madness. nobody wants nothing for anything, much less on valentines day, artificially manufactured or not.
however, i, being prone to serious (often problematic) honesty, will make my expectations for a heart shaped diamond pendant clearly understood.
i bet i’ll still get a love note
Amy-Yes, you are quite right that asking for nothing and expecting something is truly in bad taste. What I should have said is that many women ask for nothing and truly believe they mean it, but when V-Day rolls around and they have gotten what they asked for, they suddenly wish they had gotten something. This may occur naturally, or it may occur when they come to work and the face of one’s
obnoxious co-worker is obscured by a bouquet of two dozen red roses.
This has been my experience at least. I say I want nothing but then realize I am disappointed when I get it. I think I say nothing just to make the surprise and delight of getting something all the more acute. But then sometimes it backfires and I do indeed get nothing.
Yes, you got it right.
The only thing you left out that we really, and I do mean really, don’t want is that trashy underwear! There is no way worse to say “I Love You”, than to pull that trick on Valentine’s Day.
Hah!
Many a man has been doomed by misinterpreting the lady’s words.
You are so right, something is better than nothing!
Regards
Strangely enough, I just wrote an article about those “nothing” sort of things… you can find it here if you’re interested.
PS - If you’re going to ask me to vote for you on Digg (and I would), could you please give me a button to do so?
Carol - unless, of course, she has made her expectations for trashy underwear clearly understood.