How To Survive a Bear Attack
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According to Stephen Colbert, bears are the number one threat to America today. Sure, bears look cute when they’re rummaging through a garbage can looking for food, but don’t let their cuteness lull you into carnal security. Bears are “godless killing machines.”
While bear attacks are rare, a man should always be prepared for a bear attack. You never know when you’ll need this information.
How you handle a bear attack depends on the type of bear you encounter- grizzly or black bear. So the first step in surviving a bear attack is to know what kind you’re up against.
Grizzly Bear Dossier
Color: Medium to dark brown
Body Shape: The Grizzly bears has distinct shoulder hump. This is a muscle used for digging roots and slashing prey with their massive bear paw.
Height: The grizzly bear average around 6.5 ft in height
Claws: Grizzly claws are long. They can usually be seen from a distance
Location: Grizzlies are mostly found in Canada. However, populations exist from Alaska and into portions of the northwest United States including Washington, Idaho, the Dakotas, and Montana.
How to Survive A Grizzly Attack
1. Carry bear pepper spray. Experts recommend that hikers in bear country carry with them bear pepper spray. UDAP bear pepper spray is a highly concentrated capsaicin spray that creates a large cloud. This stuff will usually stop a bear in it’s tracks.
2. Don’t run. When you run, the bear thinks you’re prey and will continue chasing you, so stand your ground. And don’t think you can out run a bear. Bears are fast. They can reach speeds of 30 mph. Unless you’re an Olympic sprinter, don’t bother running.
3. Drop to the ground in the fetal position and cover the back of your neck with your hands. If you don’t have pepper spray or the bear continues to charge even after the spray, this is your next best defense. Hit the ground immediately and curl into the fetal position.
4. Play dead. Grizzlies will stop attacking when they feel there’s no longer a threat. If they think you’re dead, they won’t think you’re threatening. Once the bear is done tossing you around and leaves, continue to play dead. Grizzlies are known for waiting around to see if their victim will get back up.
Black Bear Dossier
Color: Black bears exhibit a variety of colors ranging from black to light blond.
Body shape: Black bears don’t have the hump that Grizzlies have
Height: Black bears are slightly smaller than Grizzlies
Claws: Black bear claws are shorter than Grizzly claws.
Location: Black bears are the most common bear in North America. They live in all the providences of Canada and 41 and of the 50 American states.
How to Survive a Black Bear Attack
1. Carry bear pepper spray. As with the grizzly bear, bear pepper spray should be your first line of defense in a bear attack.
2. Stand your ground and make lots of noise. Black bears often bluff when attacking. If you show them you mean business, they may just lose interest.
3. Don’t climb a tree. Black bears are excellent climbers. Climbing up a tree won’t help you out here.
4. Fight back. If the black bear actually attacks, fight back. Use anything and everything as a weapon- rocks, sticks, fists, and your teeth. Aim your blows on the bears face- particularly the eyes and snout. When a black bear sees that their victim is willing to fight to the death, they’ll usually just give up.
Disclaimer
The Art of Manliness does not encourage people to go out and find a bear to practice these skills with. Practicing on your significant other will not do either.
Sources:
The most obvious manly way to defeat a bear was left off you list. Shoot them. Pepper spray is for girls.
Guns are for sissies. The truly manly way to kill a bear is with your bare hands. Or at least a spear to the jugular.
A real man would lull the bear with his manliness, and tame it, turning it into the real man’s best friend
black bears are found in all 10 PROVINCES in canada. we don’t have providences up here…providence is in rhode island.
love,
johnny canuck
Good info. Once I survive the attack, straight to the store for new underwear.
@Kyle:
Agreed.
Yeah good luck lulling a bear; you’re better off shooting it, or using a rock if you have one.
Grizzlies.. don’t.. try
Fortunately, Smith and Wesson make just the thing for protection against bears, a snub nose revolver in .500 S&W. Sure, it’ll break some of the smalled bones in your hand when fired, but it’ll do the trick. Better than carrying around some bear spray in your hello kitty handbag.
The REAL manly thing to do would be to let it live in fear. The next time it comes back, stare it down until it runs away from you and commits suicide so it doesn’t have to live knowing that your out there… at least, thats the Chuck Norris thing to do
Great article. By the way, it’s ‘provinces’, not ‘providences’ of Canada.
Cheers,
Mungo
My Grandfather always said he could out run a bear. His contention was he would have a clear path the bear would have to run knee deep in poop.
Best way is to avoid them. Also most bears will run away if they see you, as long you do not come between them and, food source, or their cubs. Sometimes you also get lucking and they will do nothing. Been there and done that.
Never mind this girly stuff with pepper spray or guns; grow your nails to a proper manly length and scratch his eyes out!
I lived in Alaska for 2 years and I have had 1200 pound
Kodiak Bear’s walk right under my fishing pole.
And IF the Bear want’s your fishing spot. Just calmely walk away.
Loosing your pole is cheaper than a funeral.
“NEVER EVER EVER” make EYE contact with a Bear.
The “MAIN REASON” for a bear’s attack, is because
you got your Dumb Ass between A Mother and her Cubs.
Bear’s are basically vegetarian, Except in Alaska.
“There they eat BERRIE”S, Fish AND Mac Donald’s Burgers.”
TO STARE AT A BEAR - IS TO DARE…
“If all fails” Smith & Wesson makes a 500 Mag Hand Gun.
Wait untill the Bear stands and shoot it in the mouth ” ALL 5 Times.”
Just don’t go walking around smelling like a BIG BOY’s BURGER.
PS: Bear’s “CANNOT RUN DOWN HlLL…”.
Besides, almost ALL BEAR’S RUN TO THEIR LEFT.
And Bear’s can scent “SMELL” FEAR.” and Taco Bell Burrito’s..
If you just take a “STAND” against a Bear and SHOW NO FEAR..
It will let you walk away. If not, 500 Mag S & W time…
If your STUPID enough to go into Bear country without a BIG GUN,
then you are right. “PLAY DEAD UNTIL THE BEAR LEAVES”
Or just become the victim of a Bear Attack…
The 500 Mag. Smith & Wesson Hand Cannon -
With its “8-3/8-in. barrel,” “SORRY NO SNUB BARRELS EXIST”
the overall length of the Model 500 is “15 inches”. and the empty weight is 4.5 pounds. The cylinder alone is almost 2 in. in diameter and approaches 2.25 in. in length. Thumb the cylinder open and “five charge holes await”. Each is 1/2 in. in diameter, and the .50-cal. cartridges they hold are almost 2 in. long. Load five of them and the total weight of the handgun climbs to 5 pounds. And the Bear goes BACWARDS… And the HAND GUN “WILL NOT BREAK A HAND BONE.”
But it will blow a bear’s head off…
From A Remote Sheep Rancher since 1956…
In A “FREE STATE” where we “can and
do carry gun’s “AND ALWAY”S WILL.” “NRA.”
Amendment Two
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a
“FREE STATE”. The right of the people to keep and bear Arms,
shall not be infringed.
Not even by a coward like Clinton. “Draft Dodger and Coward. Antie NRA..”
USAF 82nd Tactical Air Command - 1971 -1974.
4449th Special Forces Combat Squad
Jungle and Desert - Survival Expert…
Medically Retired since 1974
———– Walk’s With The Wind - Winter Thea Bear ——-
I agree with many others. A large caliber handgun (at least .41 mag, preferably larger) is the only way to guarantee survival. You can do your best to not cross a bear and do things that will keep the bear from attacking, but bears are somewhat unpredictable. Even after doing your best, a bear may decide to attack you anyway. At that point, you just need to start firing and keep shooting until it’s dead or running away.
Of course, to do this, you must be fairly well versed with the firearm you’re using. In a high stress situation, it’s even harder to hit a moving target with a handgun.
Furthermore, in today’s political climate, you need to remember the three “S’s”–Shoot, Shovel, and Shut up. People have been and are still being sent to prison for killing the “endangered” grizzly in self defense or in defense of their livestock.
let me tell you guys my bear attack defense strategy:
yes, a big grizzly bear can outrun you, but can a grizzly bear out-strafe you?
the answer is no. bipedals have an enormous advantage when it comes to strafing, or strafe-running.
the advantage is that a bipedal can quickly reverse strafing directions, from side to side, or with a center of attention, clockwise to counter-clockwise, or v-v. a bear, or four-legger(quadriped? or something), does not possess the same maneuverability.
so here is what you do: put a tree or similar object between you and the bear. if it goes clockwise, you do too. always keep the object in the middle, and naturally, stay out of a bear’s claw swiping range around the tree.
with this circle chase, a bear’s speed reduces from 30mph to below your own. be patient, and the bear will lose interest. i’d draw up a diagram if i could.
if it helps you picture it, let me make the example a little more extreme. if a car is trying to run you over, but there is an immobile, indestructible pole between you and the car, it’s easily dodged. a car’s turning radius is way too big to make tight enough circles around the pole to get you. it has to swing out wide and come back in or continually reverse and re-align. by then, you will have moved to the opposite side of the pole. this is the exact same principle for a bear although on a smaller scale with a bear having more maneuverability.
i’ve not tested this theory, but i’m pretty damn sure my chance of survival will be much higher than if i let the bear toss my fetally-positioned body.
one of my friends tried to call me out by saying bears can walk on two legs and hence gain a bipedal’s strafing abilities.
OBVIOUSLY a bear walking around on 2 legs does not possess the coordination to move like a well experienced bipedal human!
he refuted: how about a circus bear?!
he got me: you die.
Would a swift kick in the balls stop a bear attack? It’d certainly slow me down! If it’s female, a punch in the tits perhaps?
“If it’s female, a punch in the tits perhaps?”
If you punch a bear in the tits, I’ll lick your balls.
How to survive a bear attack: STAY HOME!
bears are harmless i came face to face with one in the wild i left it alkone and it left me alone but if not play dead do not run !
Why should you never look a bear in the eyes??
sickos check your work on bears fight them off
“…and 41 and of the 50 American states.”
Have you seen the movie Blazing Saddles? Grizzly Bears are pretty much like Mongo: don’t shoot them, that’ll only make them angry.
Or, if you really wanna be a man, watch the ending to Legend of the Falls. Let out a comanche like war cry and charge wildly, trusty knife in hand, straight towards the Grizzly.
Chuck Norris once killed a bear with his beard.
you guys al, are sux use a paintbal gun more specific an etek 2
damian s ur an idiot wat if u have no time ya ckity yodeller
Here in Romania we have many wild bears (the largest comunity in Europe). it is most likely to see one in a town a the base of the mountains, searching trough your garbage, than in a natural environment.
A funny thing is that when they attack a tourist, it is always a foreign tourist , most likely from germany.