Over the past few years, many social observers have noted that young adults are dating less. Instead, dating is being replaced by “hanging out” with members of the opposite sex. Dating and hanging out are two completely different things.
Hanging out consists of people getting together in groups and doing stuff together. It could be going to a club, a restaurant, or just staying home and playing Wii. The atmosphere is relaxed and relations among opposite sexes never rises above the level of friendship (or friendship with benefits). There is nothing wrong with hanging out, but it is not a replacement for dating.
Dating consists of pairing off with someone in a temporary commitment so you can get to know the person better and perhaps start a long term relationship with them.
Why the decline in dating?
There are probably lots of factors that have contributed to the decline of dating amongst young adults. Here are few possible ones:
1. Young adults don’t like to commit. It seems like people in my generation aren’t big on making commitments to people or to organizations. Generation Y is too busy trying to “find themselves” in order to commit to anybody or anything. Companies have complained about the turn over rate of Generation Y. Companies invest lots of money training new employees only to have them leave after two years so they can find a new job. This reluctance to commit has carried over to the interaction between the sexes. Young adults don’t want to be tied down to someone just in case they get an itch to go on a backpacking trip to Europe.
2. The internet has retarded Generation Y’s social skills. Instead of telling a person directly that they’re interested in them by asking them on a date, Generation Y sends Crush alerts on Facebook. While the internet has made connecting with people easier, it has also made us lazier at establishing meaningful relationships. If you’re over 18 and you’re still using Facebook applications to let someone know you’re interested in them, you need to be punched in the face.
3. Feminism. Before I receive the wrath of all the feminists telling me it’s a typical man thing to blame women for the decline in dating, I ask that you hear me out. I think feminism is great. It’s great that women can choose to have a career, be a stay-at-home mom, or do both.
But it does make things confusing for men. Navigating relations among the sexes is a bit more tricky today. Men have all these questions go through their head: Who asks? If I ask, will she think I’m too forward? Who pays for the date? Do we split the bill? All these uncertainties cause men to avoid dating altogether and opt for hanging out with women instead.
4. Men today are wussies. Men today aren’t very resilient. They don’t know how to handle rejection or failure, so they avoid rejection or failure by not asking women out on dates.
Why date?
A lot of men today don’t seem to believe it, but getting hitched to the right woman is a very desirable thing.
So while there is nothing wrong with hanging out, it’s not a replacement for dating. Dating is the pathway to finding your true love and eventually settling down and getting married. Marriage is a one on one relationship, so you need to start getting to know women on a one on one basis. You might be hanging out with her and your friends right now, but if you don’t take her on date, she’ll forever be just your friend. So, start dating and stop hanging out. It really is not that hard to get a date with a woman. Here are some guidelines to remember as you take hanging out up a level to dating.
Resurrect Dating
So, you’re ready to start dating and stop hanging out. It really is not that hard to get a date with a woman. Here are some guidelines to remember as you take hanging out up a level to dating.
1. She wants you to ask. Despite the rhetoric you hear about the liberated woman, women still appreciate it when a guy asks her out on a date. They like when men take the initiative. I’ve heard lots of successful young professional women lament the fact that men don’t ask them out. They’re beautiful, smart, and charming, but don’t have a man. Be a man and ask these women out.
2. Asking is easy. Asking a woman out on a date isn’t rocket science. When you ask, though, do it in person or over the phone. If you’re poking a woman you’re interested in on Facebook, you lose any credibility as a man.
3. Keep dates simple. Dates don’t have to be huge, expensive affairs. Keep it simple. If you want to keep things informal, ask her out for lunch or coffee. If you want a more romantic date, invite her over to your place and make dinner for her. She’ll be impressed that you know how to cook. The whole point of dating is to get some one on one interaction with a person to find out if she is someone you’d like to start a long term relationship with. Simple and frequent dates will assist you in this.
4. Prepare for rejection. Face it. Not every woman you ask out is going to say yes. Prepare for that. It’s no big deal if she says no. Think about it. You’re no worse off getting rejected than you were before you asked. You didn’t have a date with her before, you don’t have a date with her now. Your situation has not changed.
5. Just do it, damn it. So what are you waiting for? Quit reading this post right now and pick up your cell phone. Call a woman and ask her on a date. Stop hanging out and start dating. Stop being scared of commitment. Commitment is liberating, not confining.
I expect a lot of debate on this post. Please keep the conversation civil. It’s possible to disagree and still be a gentleman or a lady about it.
Image from DeborahK.
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Date a woman you like, hang out with your friends.
@Sarah. While I do appreciate your insight, I think one key point was missed, dating and hanging out are two totally different things with different purposes. The world could be very simple, if you date a girl, then you can also be hanging out with her and getting to know her more. Likewise, if you hang out with a girl, grab a beer, play soccer then go home and tell the girl your dating about what you did with your friend or friends today (just hope they’re not the jealous type). You see! The world can be simple.
The problem with just hanging out is that people only swim around the idea of being in a relationship and are too afraid of jumping in. Stop dipping your feet in the water, you can’t enjoy swimming by getting only your toes wet. This is why I agree so much with this article: “Just do it damn it.” Jump in! You can not have a romantic relationship with a friend.
-Stan
Enjoyed the article. I am a mother of 2 daughters. My one daughter really did not want to go to prom as a group – but with a date. She hinted and hinted – did the facebook poke. Ten days before prom – she asked him. They are now dating and
having a wonderful time. She never expected more than a prom date – but is now in a relationship and not only having fun, but learning great comunication skills too.
Sadly, I think my advice to my daughters is that you have to make the first move.
Patty
Christ. I am all for men asking women out – it’s always flattering to be asked out. But to all the women in the comments complaining about sending “obvious” signals and getting frustrated when he doesn’t ask you out? Ask him out, then! The only person you can control is you – and you’re perfectly capable of doing the asking. I’m a woman and I’ve been asking guys out – or making the first move – or proposing lunch or something, ever since I started dating. One of you has to do it. If the signals are right, but he’s shy, then it might as well be you. It saves time, frustration, and wasted “hints.”
I hate, hate, hate that social model where the woman never requests anything outright, just drops “hints” and expects the man to be a mind-reader. It’s useless and creates problems where there wouldn’t be if both people would just – yes, MAN UP and communicate with each other clearly. With WORDS. If you want something, go for it. It won’t come to you by itself. So in a way, I’ve arrived at the same conclusions in the article, just from the other side.
All this conflicting stuff gets confusing for me. I guess this explains how I’ve never gone out before, 21 years old here.
What is up with the pussies on here complaining about damn being a cuss word? Pick your sack up and quit being a jackwagon you girlie half-men.
I hate dating: especially when it’s designed to “help me to get to know someone better,” since–of all the ways people have come up with to allow one person to know the other–dating seems the poorest. The people, men and women, who have gotten to know me best did so by “hanging out” with me over a period of time; and vice versa. From that pool of women I hang out with (I’m a straight man) eventually I have sex with some. After we have sex then I might “date” them, in the sense of going out to dinner and/or a movie with them. But by then we already know each other to know we’re compatible, and neither of us have to go thought all that boring small talk.
lol @ Evil Dick.
The best way I discovered to date women is to go on pre-dates or mini-dates. Something simple like a quick 15 minute coffee or 1 drink at the pub. On a mini-date never go to dinner or spend lot’s of money. 5 dollars max. And always act like you have to be somewhere else. Leave early. Mini-date should not last more than 25 minutes. If your not vibing or clicking well this is perfect for ending the date without having to experience to many awkward moments. Always tell her “I have another committment or I have to take my dog to the vet for herpes shots or I have to go work soon I’m volunteering to save the albino monkeys so we have to make this quick.” With a quick meeting like this you can find out plenty of things about the girl. It’s pretty much a screening to find out if:
1. She just wants to have sexual relations
2. She just wants a serious relationship
3. If she’s crazy
4. If she’s interesting enough to go on an official date.
5. If she’s after my money
6. If she’s girlfriendable or wifeable
But the whole point of dating is to find the right mate.Find your partner. Then mate and create a team. Also known as a family. So make it fun! Date-Mate-Create!
My attitude to the whole dating/hanging out thing is whatever works for you is great. The potential problem with hanging out is that it has a greater chance of stonewalling you into friends-only. Call me cheesy, or old fashioned, but I’ve always thought the idea of romantically sweeping a woman off her feet is thrilling and fun. There are barriers in group situations that make that tough, however I have seen men thrill women consistently in groups as well. I’ve tried the hanging out option, but it doesn’t seem to get the point across for me and I end up friends with the few single women in my social circle.
The problem with dating is that it can become awkward, but this can be the fault of one or both parties. Dating doesn’t have to be grueling – and in fact the point of dates are to make it as easy for you and her as possible. I think that a lot of awkwardness can be avoided with some proper preparation and flexibility in the date. I love to bring social game ideas (not emotional, manipulation games) and some complex questions to fill in those awkward silences. It makes for good conversations, and allows you to really get to know each other well. We all wear masks in different social situations. For example, some of my friends act really different in group situations than one-on-one. In relationships I think its very important that you be able to be together comfortably in any social situation, be it group, one-on-one, formal, informal, etc. I think that starting dating early allows you to judge your one-on-one compatibility and that the other situations can more easily be worked on if you start with that.
My mother always is stunned at the perception of dating today for HS, and college. She says “in her day” dating was always just a casual way to get to know each other, and until you made commitments it was understood that both parties would date multiple people at once. I think that’s how it should be.
Don’t get trapped by being too worried about how the date goes, just be there and present the image of who you are as accurately as possible and everything will work out or it won’t. No loss to you either way.
I fully support women asking men out. If that happened, I’d be more likely to date a woman I haven’t noticed, of didn’t intend to ask out. Confidence is attractive to both sexes in my opinion. And as for boys losing interest if the woman asks them out… what does that say about them? To me, it suggests they are either controlling or not sure enough of themselves so they’re offended by the prospect of getting asked out. I would be utterly flattered, because it’s a strong compliment.
In the end, it’s a numbers game (for men and women). The more people you meet, the more likely that you will find the woman that takes your breath away. So I use both approaches as often as possible.
As for the PUA debate from Sasser, I think it depends on who you’re after. If you’re after promiscuous clubbers, or looking for a mostly sexual relationship that may work. If you really are after a companion that may perhaps lead to a committed relationship… this is probably a bad idea (Negs are particularly a bad idea, in my opinion).
However, I do think that there are a few things to say for PUA. I think canned lines, specific patterns of initiating conversation, etc. are crutches. Like crutches, they help you to start out when asking women out, but after that you should develop your own methods, and go beyond canned PUA “technology”. Personally, I read some of that, but I only use the “technology” as examples, to think of things that fit my personality. Some of the things like IOI’s, and other parts of it more based in psychology, and social evolution I find interesting and informative. I’m not interested in manipulating women and if she says no, big deal. I tried and I’ll feel better about myself no matter the answer.
I’m also of the opinion that a “true man” would be confident comfortable in whatever social situation he finds himself in – be it dates, hanging out, football games, baby sitting, whatever. I’m not there yet but I’m working on it.
“You need to be punched in the face” – I love it! On a serious note, technology and social media is great, to a point. It has, in fact, turned our younger generation into social morans. I’m 26 yrs old, and I’m glad Facebook was not around when I was in highschool. It’s a sad sad state of affairs for younger people, who can’t simply pick up the phone (BOTH MEN AND WOMEN) and just call eachother. Oh, and don’t get me started on the whole texting bit…..that’s another story in itself. Great read!!
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