Manly men are confident men. People are attracted to men who project confidence. Sadly, many men these days lack any confidence at all. Some mope around with their head down, wallowing in self pity. Others confuse manly confidence with boyish cockiness. These men have confused confidence with being a douchebag.
Manly confidence is quiet; it’s unpretentious. But when a man walks into a room who has acquired this confidence, people can feel it.
The steps below will get you on the right track for increasing your confidence. Implement them into your life and you’ll see results quickly.
Spruce up your appearance. Take time for proper grooming and dressing. Does this mean you have to go metrosexual and lather yourself in creams? No. It does mean to take time for a basic grooming routine and learning the basics of dressing appropriately. Shower and shave everyday. Brush your teeth. Run a comb through your hair. While these things are simple, you’d be surprised by the number of men who fail to do them.
In addition, take time to actually dress yourself in the morning. Wearing sweat pants and a ratty t-shirt makes you look like a bum, not someone who is confident. A good rule of thumb is to dress so you wouldn’t be embarrassed to meet a woman or business contact later for an impromptu lunch. You’ll be able to strike the right balance of casualness and formality.
Set goals and meet them. Confident men make goals and keep them. Goals are promises we make to ourselves. How can you have confidence in yourself if you can’t keep a promise to yourself? Start making and keeping goals today by setting one goal that you can accomplish today and do it. If you constantly sleep in, make a goal to wake up early and do it. If you feel unorganized, make it goal to plan your day out and do it. By setting and keeping small goals, you’ll start to increase your confidence. As your confidence increases, you’ll be able to set and achieve bigger goals which in turn boosts your confidence even more. It’s a self feeding cycle, but it all starts with keeping small goals.
Exercise. Nothing can boost manly confidence like exercise. The increased blood flow makes you feel good and hormones are released that boost your confidence. You don’t need a gym membership to start exercising. Start today using the Charles Atlas routine. None of the exercises require weights and the routine takes about 15 minutes to do.
Learn a new skill. Confident men are constant learners. By learning a new skill, you demonstrate to yourself that you’re capable of adapting to anything that life throws at you. There are millions of skills that you can acquire in this life. Find one you’ve always wanted to know and get to work on it. Want to know a martial art? Call a dojo and sign up for a class. Want to learn how to fix a car? Go to the library today and check out books on auto repair. Just do something, damn it!
Take stock of past success. Sit down in your man chair and dim the lights. Think back to moments in life when you were successful. They don’t have to be huge successes. By remembering past successes, you’ll show yourself you’re not a complete screw up. Realizing you can succeed breeds confidence to take on new activities. Write down these pasts successes in a journal. When you need a confidence boost, whip it out and look through them.
Now it’s your turn. What has helped you increase your manly confidence? Drop a line in the comment box and add to the conversation.
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{ 37 comments }
I love the new blog, Brett!
These princliples are time-tested and true. I would add, “Ignore popular culture.” Base your values on those of your father or grandfather. If they weren’t present in your formative years, find someone now who’s calm, confident, and rock-solid. Ask them to discuss their values with you. Start looking at your local church.
@ Larryedit- good call on ignoring popular culture. There’s so much garbage out there and a lot of it is designed to make us feel inferior so we’ll go out and buy stuff we don’t need.
I like the suggestion of going to a local church to find a male role model.
I’d stay away from the baby boomer generation if you are looking for role models. That is the group that (for the most part) broke the chain. If you can find a WW2 vet you will have found a member of the group that knew how to get it done.
I just stumbled onto your website today from del.icio.us
Very cool and much needed in todays world.
Wonderful website, stumbled onto it today from an RSS feed.
Great words and attitude, you rock!
t.
I would highly disagree looking to a local church for a male role model. Relgion is not a good example of how to be manly. It shows a lack of self confidence by submitting to a higher power and a pre-determined moral code. Live by your own set of values, and continuing your own search for knowledge is far more manly. Look to people who actually DO things that are self determining, rather than BELIEVE they are destiny.
@Josh:
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I’m a religious guy, but I’m glad you came by and added your point of view. I’m hoping this site can be a place where men (whether religious or not) can learn to be better. I hope you come back and continue to contribute your insights
@Josh, No offense, but ‘your own set of values’ can include some pretty horrible things. It seems pretty silly to throw out a moral code just because somebody else came up with it. Also, please don’t assume that just because someone is religious they don’t actually think for themselves or do their own search for knowledge. There are many ways to do that, and we don’t all have to do it the way you do or arrive at the same conclusions.
This is a great article. These pointers are NOT just for men by any means. As a person learns to walk, it’s with the goal of going somewhere. If we’re just taking steps without a course to follow, then we have to ask, “where are we going and why?” Living happily means setting goals, marking our course or planning our attacks and then DOING THEM.
I find I appreciate life and everything around me when I take the chance or time of approaching it. Waiting for something to come my way drains me from the wait, makes me unappreciative for that which is before me, and I feel unsure as to how I’m to use what’s just come into my life. Such is the way of setting goals and going after them.
I am a vigorous and emphatic person because I choose to be – and it shows. I love life and those that take an active part in living and going for their dreams are the sparkle in life. …that does NOT mean stepping on others to get there, however.. We are ALL precious gems in clay wrappers…
Cutting off a secondary sexual characteristic is manly?
As for combing your hair, some would argue that it isn’t manly to have hair long enough to comb, ha ha.
Church is a place to find male role models?
Another thing I also wanted to add, is that your advice is often terribly white collar. Most blue collar men would be offended at the idea that one should dress a certain way or that people should judge you based on how you dress. Although clothes are important in many social contexts, they are an artifice that many elements of our society have chosen to look beyond.
I think the idea that the clothes you choose to wear are a projection of yourself and your values is an idea that cuts across socio-economic lines. I am not an advocate of obsessing about one’s appearance though. I hardly ever buy new clothes and don’t dress like a dapper dude everyday. Nowhere on this site will you see advice about buying expensive clothing. I do think, however, that there are occasions that require one to dress up in order to show one’s respect for that occasion. More and more people go on dates and show up to work and weddings looking like a slob. I would like to resurrect the idea of good manners. Good manners does not mean judging others by their clothes, but wearing your best to special occasions…whatever that best is for you.
You may be right that today blue collar folks do not put as much emphasis on clothing, but this has not always been the case. Even 30-40 years ago blue collar men dressed up for special occasions just as much as white collar men. Men (of every economic class) even wore shirts and ties to baseball games and other sporting events. Maybe their ties and dress shirts were not as nice as the ties and suits of the white collar men, but that is not the point. The point is they made an effort to present themselves in a respectful manner.
Finally, the point of this post was that dressing nicely boosts your confidence. Again, this cuts across socio-economic lines. Whenever you put something on that makes you feel handsome and put together-whether that is your best jeans or a 3 piece suit-you feel good about yourself. Period.
I just found your website today while looking on articles regarding men bringing back the wearing of hats. I love this website! Thank you for the fine informative articles and vintage photos. I hope you will be around a long time. A big attaboy to all of you at this webiste.
@ Dr. Quest- Thanks for the kind words. We hope to be around a long time as well! We’re looking forward to seeing your around here.
Josh, thanks for commenting! I do disagree with you, but maybe my viewpoint is going at manliness from another angle. To me, it takes manliness and character to submit to ANYONE, whether a boss or a higher power. Any child can go “me, me, me” and try to live a self-centered, self-directed life. There is no character in that, unless a 2-year old is the “model of manliness” that we should follow!
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No, a real man is routinely challenged to choose to not go his own way, for the good of others, and for the accomplishment of good things. A real man can do what his boss says without backbiting, because he respects authority. A real man can take his family to church and not shirk his spiritual responsibilities. A real man is basically a man who controls himself to place himself under others.
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Any child wants to be first. A man will choose to be last if that’s what’s best.
Good site Gentlemen. There are many sites who attempt to tll you what needs to be done to be man – but you guys are getting back to the basics. I’m 25, many of the virtues which are illustrated throughout this site are far too often forgotten (in my generation at least).
Keep it up Fellers!
Some very good advice here. I am gratified to find a site devoted to helping us be better men. One issue I would raise is that it is a mistake to discount the values and contributions of the baby-boom generation, which happens to be mine. We have screwed up in a lot of ways, God knows, but when we were coming of age, we were trying–many of us anyway–to end a war we believed unjust, to make our society more equitable and less blindly materialistic, and to awaken our society to the damage we were doing to the environment. And to have a good time–like any rising generation.
A lot of us were thoughtless and self-indulgent. I’m sorry for that, looking back. Yet I don’t think we were inherently worse than the young people of any generation; we had more prosperity to play with and, maybe, less restraint on us than we should have. I do wish more of us, including myself, had learned the values of self-discipline, hard work, and commitment earlier. And I wish we had managed to do more to create the kind of good society we wanted for ourselves and for the future. But let’s try to remember that among the virtues an enlightened man should have today are some–such as acceptance of those of different races, ethnicities, physical and mental abilities, and sexual orientation; support of equal rights and opportunities for men and women; and care for the environment–that my generation helped to bring into the mainstream.
None of this is meant as criticism of older or younger men. I wouldn’t be here reading this blog and its comments if I didn’t believe that I still have plenty of work to do in becoming a better man. Again, thanks to you, Brett & Kate, and to all of you who have contributed here.
The only problem with ignoring ‘popular culture’ (and keep in mind I am not saying i DO follow popular culture, I would have to say I most-definently do not), and following something your father/grandfather did, odds are that back in their day whatever they do that is now outside of the ‘popular culture’ circle WAS popular culture back in the day.
ok im sorry if i wasn’t clear on that but it’s almost 6am and i work nightshift so brains a bit foggy.
Basically im not critisizing the thought or anything like that, just saying that almost everything was considered ‘popular culture’ and therefore people were most likely oversaturated with it at some point in time.
Although with the ‘net trends flare and die so quickly now. why can’t the emo trend die. it’s a terrible terrible blending of punk and goth and a massive insult to both.
This is a great site..i feel connected again ..more power.
I have noticed that on days when I take very hot baths and exercise my brain and
body, I feel better than on days I don’t.
Thanks guys,
I tend to agree with most of the post here in one way or the other. I know that everyone has their own beliefs and opinions, and that we can all learn from each other in some way.
Saying that, maybe someone can offer some advice to me. I am 34 married for 10 years, and have 4 daughters ranging in age from 16 to 5. When I was 17 I was with an older woman, which at first made me feel like I was the man. After everything was said and done, I was brutally bashed about penis size. Eventhough I am within the normal standards according to the doctors this has stayed with me since.
To add shame to misery when I returned from Iraq, my wife and I went through some very trying times. After battling through her affairs and discovering that this was happening before I left, it felt as if I all related to sex.
She tried to assure me that the only thing sexual to it, was that I was too busy. Which is part of the reason I am still here. At the time I was working 2 fulltime jobs, going to school fulltime, and serving in the National Guard. I then cut back, only worked one job and tried to focus more at home.
This worked for a little while, but I cant help but feeling that if I slack just a little in any area that it will start over again. Dont get me wrong, I love my wife, but most of the time I just don’t feel like I am man enough to keep up with her desires.
But now that I am facing another deployment, I am lost and don’t know how to be confident with my soldiers when I feel that I am not competent at home.
I plan on using the advice here, and sure can use any other advice that you guys are willing to offer. Thanks!
I like the bit about sitting in your manchair. I think every man should have his own vintage easychair. Possibility for an article-finding the perfect man chair. Awesome website.
These are terrific tips. I particularly like the goal setting and achieving tip. I’m currently 18 and in the last years of high school so there is quite a fairground of insecurities and esteem issues I see. I like your definition that manly confidence is unpretencious and quiet. There are a lot of guys who seem to have egos that could fill audotoriums yet these seem totally unfounded on any form of achievement or merit. I don’t find it annoying just quite funny, I think one of the benefits of goal setting and achieving and generally focusing on your own life is that while your confidence increases, your anger and annoyance at others decreases, you don’t feel the need to prove yourself to people etc.
Then there are people whose entire self worth seems to be wrapped up in their body/looks. Though I don’t think I am a bad looking guy, I think it’s important that my self esteem comes from my character, my personality my virtues and my effort I put into worthwhile persuits.
As to the gentlemen who disagrees about going to a local church to find a role model… You may be right. A Man going to church does not make a man a role model any more than going to MacDonald’s makes a Man a hamburger.
BUT if you find a Man that has The Lord Jesus Christ indwelling in him (for real), then you could not ask for a better role model.
I am personally acquainted with Jesus Christ; He is closer to me and more real to me than any Human Being including my Wife and kids.
If you want to discuss religion I am not up for it. I do not believe in organized religion.
I do know for 100% certainty that the Jesus of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John is the Greatest, most loving , kind, gentle, rugged, fearless and compassionate Human Being that ever walked the Earth. He is THE Man’s Man and I dare any Man to really follow in His steps for one week and tell me different. { I mean with your Wife and kids, boss and coworkers and people you “do not like”… forget about religious following… I mean what kind of man are you when you are alone in front of your computer at 2:00 AM…. follow Jesus? Not for the faint of heart or wimps; To follow The Master you have to take up a cross.}
Watch The Passion again young man who said “It shows a lack of self confidence by submitting to a higher power and a pre-determined moral code.”
I double dare you to seriously consider following this Man!!!!
I am NOT sorry to come on so strong. If the Men in our generation would stand up and be 1/10 the Man of character that Jesus, is our Country would be 100% better in a few short years.
I say this to any and all men… Come and follow Jesus and be A Man!!
John Lawrence Rossiter, Canada john77@nb.symaptico.ca
(506)388-5647 Thats right!
Thanx !
good blog…
keep writing…
all the best.
In regards to the gentleman saying the bit about wearing nice clothes was pretentious-”you cant always have the nicest clothes but you can always be clean and pressed”. Blue collar or white collar, that always holds true.
@Bruce — I’m curious about your story and how things are going for you now. My parents raised me in a religious household, but as an adult I have not submitted myself to a spiritual discipline as much as I probably should. That said, doesn’t the Bible say it’s okay to divorce if and only if your spouse cheats? But you have children… this can’t be an easy issue. I’m too young to have good advice anyway. This is another good example of the value of seeking advice from wise teachers (e.g. priests, rabbis, classic literature, etc.).
@ Everyone else — Kudos to the writer(s) behind this blog. I discovered it today and already shared it with friends. What does it mean to be a man in the 21st Century? What does it meant to be a *human*? These questions are important.
Some here say young men should find role models. I agree — why reinvent the wheel? Also, our role models may help keep our culture from unraveling morally. Many of my friends understand that our consumer culture flatters and enlarges our egos. I don’t think they make the next step though. We’re all implicated — even those who recognize our culture’s obsession with consumption. Awareness alone does not deliver us from responsibility. We know we must lead by example, but what example should we set? What does it mean to be a man?
At first I sympathize with movies like The Godfather — the moral realism seems like an unpopular truth (e.g. “Women and children can afford to be careless, but not men…”) — but then I remember what Terence McKenna taught me: it’s this very patriarchy which which destroys the Earth and turns Nature into a Borg of suburban sprawl. Though a CEO works hard his sports car still seems ridiculous.
As I understand it manliness is about confidence. But what is confidence when the universe dwarfs you? Maybe we can be proud of our technological domination of Nature. McKenna once said humanity won’t be satisfied until we hold the universe in our palm like a “screaming marble,” but must we be so insanely Faustian? We will always be limited creatures (contrary to what some transhumanists claim), and if we don’t recognize these limits and tone down our confidence we’ll destroy everything the previous generations have worked so hard for.
This blog argues that men should be confident leaders. We must figure out why we’re leading and where we’re going.
I feel manly when I beat up some motherf****s. There are lots of people in this world who deserve to get their ass kicked, why not kill two bird with one stone?
I’m a little late at the party but I second Josh, but to each his own opinion. I think it’s also manly to listen to others and decide for yourself if their advice is worthy of following.
Great post. I really appreciated the point you made about shaving and showering every day, even if you aren’t going anywhere. Excellent point, and one that I have personally found to be true a great many times. It just makes you feel more like a man and less, as you said, a bum.
There’s nothing un-manly about having long hair. As long as it’s kempt.
Example A: Robert Redford. Just the mention of his name should be. He’s a man I aspire to be like. Socially aware, philanthropic, nature/conservation minded. Who hasn’t watched The Natural or Jeremiah Johnson and thought, at least once, “That’s a good looking head of hair.”
Every other example: See above. That should be enough.
I’ve always thought of having long hair as a small mark of rebellion. Which is actually more rebellious and mysterious. If I see a man in a nice suit but with a little shag on top I automatically wonder what his game is. The young guy in the office confident enough to wear his hair like that must be pretty confident in his work, which is impressive to the older gents but also appealing to the younger men who wish they could pull that off. Or he might just be a guitar player in The Strokes.
Once it hits your shoulders fellas, it’s too long. Unless you’re in a heavy metal band. That’s okay.
After being unemployed for the last six months, I needed to up my confidence. I have found that the combination of working out and dressing well as made my confidence skyrocket. I am in martial arts and weightlifting, I have started a swiminng program too. I am also in the old car hobby, that is great brotherhood. When I go out, even on the Sat errends, I always wear a dress shirt, sport coat and good jeans. When the weather allows it, a good hat. I love the comments I get from other people.
I attended a wedding recently. I am as blue collar as one gets. I certainly tucked in my shirt and put on a tie.
I was nearly the only man there with a tie and dress shirt on. I certainly feel I was right, and they were wrong. I think that by taking the time to make yourself look decent shows respect to the person and the event, whatever it may be. I did ask one friend why he didn’t put on a tie. He said he hates ties and if they don’t like it they can kiss his ass. He is a prime example of the boyish cockiness mentioned in the introduction.
While I don’t do it everyday, I certainly feel more confident, and more manly when I get up and get dressed as opposed to getting up and throwing on sweat pants and old tee shirt. Perhaps that will be one of the short term goals I set.
I’ve only just begun visiting this site and have a lot of reading to do. It has been a pleasure thus far. I hope there are more out there that want men to return to what they once were. Women as well. The world has to few ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for the good work you do here.
The dressing up topic seems to have hit a few nerves. I agree that dressing for the occassion is important. If you’re blue collar, put on clean, pressed clothes for work and you will feel better about yourself.
The thing that bugs me the most is people showing up for weddings, funerals, church, etc in totally inappropriate dress. Weddings and funerals are somewhat formal occassions. A coat and tie won’t kill you and it shows respect to those hosting the event. Going to a funeral or wedding in jeans and collarless shirt is about as unmanly as you can get, IMHO.
Showing up for a “dressy” event tells me that either you didn’t care or you have some place else to be and you didn’t want to mess up your good clothes. As for the guy who said he didn’t like ties and if it bothered soemone they could KHA, what an arrogant jerk. Whatever event he was attending was not fiven for him. He has no respect for others and probably very little for himself.
My father always dressed apprpriately for the event he was attending (and he was as blue collar as they come) and it really bothered me to see people at his funeral in jeans and worn out shirts. You couldn’t put on tie for an hour or two tp show soemone a little respect?
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